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EPISODE Highlights:
- We all see memes on the internet, and we’ve even said similar things here on Modern Mommy Doc, that tell us self-care isn’t selfish. But I feel like we need to be very clear on this subject. Are there forms of self-care that can be selfish? As a maternal and child public health expert, I have to say there absolutely are. A new study in 2021 showed us that moms with children under 5 saw alcohol consumption increase a startling 323% from 2020-2021. Granted, a lot of people drank more during the pandemic, but moms were the group that saw the biggest increase. This same group stated having more than 7 drinks in a week or 3 or more drinks at a time.
- So I wanted to dig into what could be behind this. Why is it a coping mechanism? The study gave a few reasons why we might have seen this stat. One was this social media trend of “mommy wine culture” that normalizes using alcohol to deal with parenting stress. The other was the accessibility to alcohol through delivery options like DoorDash and Post Mates and to-go options from restaurants.
- We have to start differentiating between coping in ways that will cause harm to us and our family and self-care. If you don’t have a problem with alcohol, having a drink at the end of the day can be harmless. Going out with a friend and having a glass of wine is just as simple. In the same way, it’s fine to take a trip away from your kids to be with your partner. But it gets excessive and points to a deeper issue when you need so much time away that being with your kids seems impossible. You cannot sustainably have a strong connection with them or speak into their lives when you’re never with them. Or if I choose to stay late one day a week at work so that I can make the most of the other time with my family, that’s great. But it’s when I’m constantly gone that becomes the problem.
- True self-care is about taking care of yourself in the most intimate ways and building connection with yourself to understand who you are. We are all interconnected with everything in this world. And the best way we can use our unique skills and talents that we were gifted with is to be as aware and connected with ourselves as possible. The best forms of self-care are the ways that allow you to do that.
- What does self-care look like that doesn’t cause collateral damage to you or your family? That could be incrementally taking 5 minutes in the car before you come into the house. Or going to a concert with a friend. Or buying store bought cookies for the bakesale instead of making them at home. It could be setting a boundary like not staying the entire time at a birthday party. Or giving a task to someone else. Or carving out some time just for yourself. Journaling. Practicing self-compassion when things are tough.
- What are the ways that you take care of yourself that don’t actually lead you to the outcome that you want and what are the ways that you cope that are actually supportive to you and others around you? Is it causing collateral damage because you’re doing that form of self-care in excess or is it the thing itself that needs to go?
- Let’s address the idea from memes that basically say “if you think you’re a shitty parent, you’re not.” It’s this blanket statement that lets you off the hook. If it talked about making mistakes and showing yourself grace, that’s a different story. No one wants to be a bad parent, but if you’re CONSISTENTLY showing up with your kids in a manner where you’re yelling at them, constantly short with them, or reactive instead of responsive – and that’s just your M.O. for months and years at a time – that’s going to cause collateral damage with your kids. So we have to think about the actual cause and effect of our actions and how we’re taking care of ourselves.
- There are things that are out of our control (systemic issues and injustices) but there are also things that are within our control. There are responsibilities that are ours to bear. No matter what the circumstances are, you’re at least able to be curious. You won’t automatically be a perfect parent. It’s a journey for everyone that requires a lot of grace. You can learn to be kind and aware enough of yourself and your circumstances to recognize that you do bear responsibility.

- So in light of the circumstances that you live within, what steps do you need to take to set yourself up for the most success possible while causing the least amount of damage to yourself and those around you? When you are curious enough, give yourself grace and time to know yourself better, and care for yourself in ways that have a lasting positive impact, there is change that’s possible. There is hope, it’s not all your fault, but there IS something you can do about it.
About Our Guest: Whitney Casares, MD, MPH, FAAP, is a practicing board-certified pediatrician, author, speaker, and full-time working mom. Dr. Whitney is a Stanford University-trained private practice physician whose expertise spans the public health, direct patient care, and media worlds. She holds a Master of Public Health in Maternal and Child Health from The University of California, Berkeley, and a Journalism degree from California Polytechnic State University, San Luis Obispo. She is also CEO and Founder of Modern Mommy Doc. Dr. Whitney advocates for the success of career-driven caregivers in all facets of their lives, guiding them toward increased focus, happiness, and effectiveness despite the systemic challenges and inherent biases that threaten to undermine them. She speaks nationally about her Centered Life Blueprint, which teaches working caregivers how to pay attention to what matters most amid pressure, at multibillion-dollar corporations like Adidas and Nike, and at executive-level conferences. She is a spokesperson for the American Academy of Pediatrics and medical consultant for large-scale organizations, including Good Housekeeping magazine, Gerber, and L’Oreal (CeraVe). Her work has been featured in Forbes, Thrive Global, and TODAY Parenting. She is a regular contributor to Psychology Today. Dr. Whitney practices medicine in Portland, Oregon, where she and her husband raise their two young daughters. About the Episode: Dr. Whitney shares the principles she's learned as a solopreneur in the health and wellness space, the failures she's faced, and the truths she wishes she would have known from the very beginning. Episode Takeaways: This is not an episode about “how to grow a multimillion dollar business” or how to double your following overnight. I really shy away from talking about business because it’s disheartening to see that most of the people making online are people who are trying to teach you how to make money online. This is an episode that comes from many conversations I’ve had recently with people who are wanting to start a side hustle or even a full blown business, but are curious how to do that with the rest of life that’s going on around them. I’ve recently made a hugely drastic shift in my career and have moved from private practice into a company called Blueberry Pediatrics . It is a shift that still allows me to practice medicine as well as still running Modern Mommy Doc full time. The thinking behind this shift really is born out of these 8 tips I have about running a business while you’re working full time or maybe still taking care of your family. 1) Know your why. We’ve heard it a thousand times, but if we don’t know the driving force behind why we want to do a certain thing, it’s infinitely easier to stop doing it when things get hard. Ask yourself why you’re so committed to this one particular area. In my business, my why is to help, support, and encourage women (specifically working moms) so they don’t feel alone in their journey. So when I’m pulled away from my family for a time period or I’m exhausted from traveling, I remember the greater mission behind what I do. 2) Expect that you’re going to fail. I just pulled the plug on a project we had been working on at Modern Mommy Doc for two years: the Modern Mamas Club app. I thought it was going to be so valuable for moms, when in reality it was just duplicating what we already had. I learned so much through that process and at the beginning, I didn’t know what I didn’t know. Failure is a natural part of growth. 3) Prepare to invest in your business. With your time, with your money, with your emotions. People ask me how I grew and I told them it took a lot of time and a lot of my own money. There were times that that was discouraging, but because all of this was tied to my why, I was able to push forward. 4) Figure out what you can outsource and what has to be done by you. At the beginning you might not have any money to outsource with. But set yourself up for success and know what you’ll hand off when you get to that point. Don’t waste time trying to do it all. 5) Network based on what you love & pay for good PR. When you want to grow your business, network with the people that you genuinely connect with, not just because you might get a sale. Figure out who it would be mutually beneficial for you to get to know. And when it comes to PR, you’ve gotta pay to play the game. PR isn’t for instant leads, but is also a long game like networking. You show up, do the interviews, and every once in a while something will pop and you might get a ton more exposure. 6) Prepare for other people to not be on your level and to try to pull you back down to theirs. No one wants the homeostasis to change. That’s why it’s so important to surround yourself (even virtually) who believe in you and/or who are on the same journey with you. It doesn’t have to be in the same industry, but look out for other working moms that you can get to know. 7) Give something back to yourself along the way. If you aren’t making a single dollar and giving it all away to the business, you’re down a quick path to resentment. I understand all the moms who just over-function and grind it out to get things done (I was one!) but you’ve got to get a reward from the thing that you’ve been putting so much into. A small way I do this is by working at a coffee shop a couple times a week. It reminds me that I’m so grateful for my job, that it’s flexible so that I work where I want, and that I’m in control of my life. A big way I do this is through a travel rotation with my kids and husband. Each trip I go on while consulting, I’ll rotate through taking one daughter, then the next, then my husband, then I’ll do a solo trip. These are trips they never would have been able to take on their own, and it’s a cool way my business gets to give back to my family. 8) The way you set up your business is a marker if you will be successful. Not the way you structure it, but the mindset you have around it. In fact, there are so many parallels between the way I run my business and the things I taught in my newest book, Doing It All: trying to build efficiency into how I do my tasks, batching my work, not spending extra time on stuff that doesn’t matter at all, swapping out for what others can do for me, pairing things that aren’t enjoyable with things that are, not letting things contaminate my time, and making sure my desk, home, and calendar are decluttered. More Blogs on this Topic: T he forgotten boundary: setting limits with yourself Thanks for the cookies in the breakroom, I’m still tired Wake up, working mama. Are you wasting your life? More Podcast Episodes on this Topic: T ranslating “mom skills” into “boss skills” How to be an ambitious, out of the box, career maker and an engaged mom How to claim your confidence as a working mom
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