We talk a lot about radical acceptance here at Modern Mommy Doc. And for good reason. Radical acceptance flies in the face of toxic positivity that says “everything is going to great and if it’s not, I can just will myself into feeling good about it.” Toxic positivity is constantly telling you to find the good in a situation.

Which has its benefits, for sure.

Because what you fix your mind on, you’ll see more of in the world. Not in a woowoo manifest way, but it’s actually science. If you tell yourself that you’re dumb and worthless, your brain looks for evidence of that and reminds you of and emphasizes mistakes you’ve made. 

But if you give yourself grace and tell yourself that you’re learning and growing and capable of great things, your brain is going to look for evidence of that. And all of a sudden you’re in a different head space.

But here’s where it’s toxic: When you ignore the red flags. When you push to the side any negative thought or feeling and don’t allow yourself to work through those things critically. You only allow yourself space for the positivest of positive thoughts. No time for thoughts of “well, yeah, that day sucked. How can I choose to make the rest of my night better?” It’s simply “good vibes only!”

And then you’re left in a place where your real life expectations don’t match up with reality. When things go awry, you have no way to cope or move forward. If it’s not sunshine and rainbows, you’re stuck.

Here’s why this matters as we’re heading into the holiday season:

raise your hand if your holidays have ever fallen short of what you hoped they’d be?

🙋🏻‍♀️🙋🏻‍♀️🙋🏻‍♀️🙋🏻‍♀️🙋🏻‍♀️🙋🏻‍♀️🙋🏻‍♀️🙋🏻‍♀️ X a million.

My hand will probably forever and always be raised. BUT, there’s a (really big and really important) difference between having a holiday that sucks but gritting your teeth and saying “SMILE FOR THE CAMERA OR NO PRESENTS!” and one where you allow yourself to feel the feelings and move forward.

I just read this quote about radical acceptance from therapist Andrew Harris that I just loved:  “Radical acceptance is a distress tolerance skill that is designed to keep pain from turning into suffering. While pain is part of life, radical acceptance allows us to keep that pain from becoming suffering. By accepting the facts of reality without responding by throwing a tantrum or with willful negligence. In other words, it is what it is.”

Who doesn’t need more of a “it is what it is” mentality during the holidays?!

That doesn’t mean when the kids are losing their minds because they don’t want to wear their itchy fancy dinner clothes that you shrug and let them scream. It doesn’t mean that when your mother-in-law makes a remark that she’s so glad you were able to make it because she doesn’t get to see grandchildren very often that you just smile sweetly but sulk about it all night.

It does mean you can have your boundaries and when they’re broken, not let it ruin your day. You can reinforce the expectations and still decide that you can have a peaceful evening when they aren’t met.

We don’t have to run away or avoid the hard things. We can choose to take them on knowing there will be parts that suck and then it gets better.

I was reading Between Two Kingdoms by Suleika Jaouad and she said, “What if I stopped thinking of pain as something that needs to be numbed, fixed, dodged and protected against? What if I tried to honor its presence in my body, welcoming it into the present?”

OOOF.

So how do we apply radical acceptance when it comes to having a happy, peaceful, fill in the blank with whatever you want out of it, holiday season?

It all starts with doing some internal work (sorry, I know that’s usually my first answer. But it’s true, sis.)

I suggest you start by journaling through some questions:

—What would my perfect Christmas/Thanksgiving/holiday season/time off look like?

—Why do I feel like it has to be this way?

—What can I actually do to make it feel special?

As you work through them, apply radical acceptance to your answers being aware of the things that you actually have control over. It might look something like this:

What would my perfect Christmas/Thanksgiving/holiday season/time off look like?

If I could wave a magic wand, we’d spend our entire vacation together. We’d have lazy mornings watching movies and playing games. All the baking would be fun and not stressful and my girls would create memories of our family being together.

Why do I feel like it has to be this way?

I suppose I want it to feel peaceful and low stress because we have a pretty busy life normally and I’d like a break from that. I probably have some mom guilt that I need to work through about not being around as much as I thought I could be (but I’m actually really glad I get to be away too. More guilt.) So I guess my biggest concern is that my girls will grow up and not have memories of me being fun mom–just angry, “get your shoes on!” mom.

What can I actually do to make it feel special?

I’m a doctor and sometimes that calls me away from my kids. And that’s okay. So I can choose to be fully present while they’re home from school on break and make sure that I’m not distracted by work when I’m there. I know that making memories is way more than Pinterest-perfect crafts and Martha Stewart-level baking sessions. Plus, those stress me out anyway. 

So I’m going to focus on the fact that my girls love movies, pajamas, and popcorn. And anytime they ask for it, it can be movie night while we’re on vacation. I can even let them each choose a special add-in candy that they want to throw in with their popcorn. Memories made and I get to sit down! Win!

We don’t have to avoid the hard issues. Or pretend they don’t exist. Or even try to just be happy about it. Through radical acceptance we can see that pain coming our way, but choose not to let it push us into suffering. We can feel the feelings and move forward.