Mom guilt is not a new concept. Almost from the time you find out you’re pregnant, you can experience it. You’re already inundated with the thoughts of whether or not you’re getting enough rest, taking the right prenatals, or eating the right foods in order keep your baby as healthy as you can.
It kicks up about a thousand notches once that baby makes its arrival. You can feel guilty because the house isn’t spotless, but also when you are cleaning. You feel guilty about not spending enough money on the “best” stroller and are reminded of it every time you buy yourself a coffee. You feel it when you want time alone away from your child but then feel guilty when you resent that you can’t.
We can even feel guilty that we feel guilty. Have you ever experienced that? When you’re upset that your baby isn’t napping well, you feel guilty because you know other moms aren’t getting any sleep at night. Or when they’re fussy because they’re teething, you feel guilty because you know other moms have a chronically ill child and your issue seems small comparatively.
Mom guilt is real and it is POWERFUL.
And then there’s working mom guilt. This is not to say that moms who chose not to work (in the “I have a paying job” sense…OBVIOUSLY all moms wooooork) don’t experience intense guilt. Like I just mentioned, it starts even before the baby is born.
But working moms can sometimes experience something different.
Working moms can feel guilty because they want to work. Or because they don’t want to work, but that’s not in the financial cards for their family.
Working moms feel guilty when they can’t go on field trips. Or feel guilty that they don’t want to go on field trips and would rather be working.
Working moms feel guilty that they actually enjoy their time at work. Or that their kids have to stay at the after school program instead of getting picked up at normal dismissal.
Working moms feel guilty when they’re at home because they should/could/need/want to be working. And they feel guilty when they’re working because sometimes they want to be home.
I wish I could title this blog, “3 ways to get rid of your working mom guilt fast!” but I can’t. I don’t even have 3 ways to get rid of it slowly. But I do have a few ideas to help you process through it.
Accept the emotion.
Fighting your way through it and just telling yourself to “stop feeling guilty” is the equivalent of telling a woman to “calm down” when she’s angry. It’s not going to help anything and it’s probably going to make things worse. When you feel guilt starting to creep in, have a conversation with yourself that gives room for that feeling.
“Ugh. Feeling mom guilt again. That totally makes sense. I hate that I missed my daughter’s play this morning and I’m really mad that I couldn’t take the time off to see it.”
When you can have that conversation, you’re allowing yourself to start to process that emotion rather than pushing through or pushing it aside. It normalizes the feeling rather than making you feel even more uncomfortable because you had it.
Figure out a game plan. Is there anything that you can do now that would make you feel better? Could you plan a special time with your kiddo while they tell you all about the play? Could you let them stay up late that night for a special treat? We know that it’s not REALLY about watching your kid be a tree on stage. It’s about the connection and letting them know how proud you are of them (and seeing how proud they are of themselves!) and showing them that you’re there to celebrate them.
Remind yourself of the badass that you are.
You don’t have to be a c-suite exec to be a ballin working mama. Every mom who goes out and does ANYTHING to help provide for her family does it because she loves them. When you’re feeling guilty about being a working mom or about what that means you have to sacrifice, take the time to write out all the positives of your situation–even if you don’t want to be working in the first place.
It can be as simple (and hugely valuable) as paying for groceries and housing. It can be that every day your kiddos see you fight for yourself and your ideals at work. It could be that you’re setting an example for what hard work and working towards a goal looks like.
Mom guilt of any kind will probably never go away. I’m sure we’ll still feel it in our 60s wondering if we did it all right. But the biggest thing I’ve realized is that if I didn’t love my kids like crazy, I wouldn’t feel guilty. So in reality, mom guilt is just a reminder that you’re a great mom.
That you’re a mom who sacrifices for her kids every single day.
And there’s no guilt in that.
