If the title of this blog has you thinking this is another blame-technology-for-all-of-society’s-ills story, don’t worry: it’s not. (The internet is already full of those.) But last week I shared a post about how I sometimes find it difficult to be alone with myself, to not seek out distraction in work or kids or life but to just be. And since technology is usually the scratch to our itch for distraction, it’s time to call out the elephant in the room. How are we supposed to balance conscious parenting, which requires calm, intentional interactions, with the perpetual singing, dinging, and ringing of our phones and other devices?
CALLED OUT (BY MY KIDS!)
Humans’ emotional dependence on technology is well-documented, but you only have to look up from your phone to see evidence of it yourself. The toddler playing with a tablet in his stroller, the gaggle of tweens at the mall hanging out together but each engrossed in her own phone, the guy ahead of you at Starbucks who doesn’t look up from his screen to order — yeah, tech-addiction is real.
And that doesn’t even include our new, pandemic-friendly virtual lifestyles! Like every other family trying to make it through remote school and social distancing, we’ve been relying on screens more than usual at Camp Casares. That means that, as much as my husband and I are on our daughters with reminders like, “This is your last episode of Barbie Life in the Dreamhouse for the day,” they’ve got our number.
We were playing a game last night around the dinner table where each of us got to do an impression of the other members of the family. When it was my youngest daughter’s turn, she picked up my AirPods, swiped my phone, and held her arm to the sky like the Statue of Liberty. “Hey, I’m Mommy, and I have a very important meeting. Let me check my calendar and read an email real quick.”
My oldest chimed in,
“I’m Daddy, and I have a football game to watch!”
I blushed, but their impersonations were not far off. Just like my kids, I find it hard to land on something more active, healthier, and less addictive to do with my time than scroll through my phone.
FINDING BALANCE
So yes, technology is a big part of the problem when it comes to distracting ourselves. But it can also be part of the solution. If our goal is to thrive in motherhood, our challenge is to balance outside responsibilities with the priorities that bring us joy. And unless you have a household staff at your disposal, technology is often your ticket to outsourcing.
Bills? Autopay. Groceries? Instacart. Staying in touch with family and friends? Take your pick: FaceTime, Zoom, Google Meet — it’s all good. And then, of course, there’s social media, which, when used occasionally and intentionally, makes it possible to stay up to date with friends and family around the world.
In this day and age, we can’t “digital detox” for any real length of time. We can’t swear off smartphones or refuse to join Zoom meetings. But, as with all indulgences, we CAN practice moderation. So, the question becomes, When is our use of technology not helping but harming our efforts at conscious parenting?
For me, it’s those tough after-school hours when homework needs to be done, dinner needs to be made, and everyone is a little cranky. It is so much easier, so much more tempting, to check my social feed than to mediate an argument among my daughters, or to teach a math concept I barely remember to my daughter who’s barely interested.
That’s the moment, Mama! Even though your situation may look different than mine, this is the kind of moment when we have a choice. We can gratify that urge for distraction...or we can immerse ourselves in the present.
· Consciously decide when you will check in with your phone throughout the day. The rest of the time, it’s off-limits for mindless scrolling. (Calls, last-minute texts, and other necessities are, of course, the exceptions. The idea is to find ways to make the most of small, intentional digital detoxes.)
· The very act of reaching for your phone becomes your cue not to. You know that feeling. You start to get a little antsy. Your breathing gets a little shallow. You’re looking for that quick hit of dopamine that comes from seeing a new post or text. That’s your signal to tune in instead of tuning out. Not sure you can resist? Then put your phone away or during those times you’re most tempted. (You might also change your password to open it. Pausing to remember it also lets you remember to do something else.)
· Reward yourself. Find yourself scrolling while you wait at a stoplight or put off going to bed? Give yourself a reward for doing something else instead. (Think small perks like picking up a juice or coffee when you stay off your phone in the car, or doing a face mask or yoga before bedtime.)
· Bring your attention to the moment. What are you feeling? What do you hear, see, and smell?
· Breathe deeply through your nose and exhale through your mouth. Repeat this if necessary. Let your breath calm, ground, and center you.
· Finally, turn your attention to your surroundings, especially the people who are with you.
And this is the reward, Mama. Really seeing and understanding what your children feel and need in THAT MOMENT. Laughing with your partner over a shared joke. Even the process of making dinner, one mindful step at a time. It is restorative. It is affirming. And it is as easy as unplugging for just a few minutes.
I know first-hand that working mom life is hard, but I also know it doesn’t have to be impossible.
Trust me. The best way to get unstuck isn’t to work harder. It’s to use a framework that gets real results, no matter what area you need to tackle first.