This week, Dr. Whitney talks through a personal journey she’s been on throughout her daughter’s process of getting a formal autism diagnosis. For a long time, she’s felt this diagnosis would give her relief from feeling like all that her daughter deals with is her fault. In this episode, she tackles why that’s a damaging way of thinking and how she’s learning to reframe it.

Key takeaways:

• My oldest daughter is neurodivergent, which means her brain is wired differently and thinks differently than most others. This comes out in behaviors like tantrums, becoming overwhelmed easily, lots of anxiety, harder time sleeping, and being “behind” in social skills. We’ve seen just about every specialist under the sun to get a better understanding of just who she is. We’ve decided, now that she’s 8, to get her formally tested for autism and ADHD.

• I realized that, as we were waiting for this formal autism diagnosis, I was feeling that if we got that official word, I would feel relieved. Having that diagnosis would make me feel that her behaviors weren’t my fault…a feeling I was carrying around with me for quite some time. I wondered if I caused the things that she was going through on my PPD and anxiety, me not giving her the right foods, fighting with my husband when she was a baby. I questioned my every choice. I knew intellectually that it wasn’t my fault, but in my heart I couldn’t make it make sense.

• The message you’re telling yourself about being fully responsible for everything “wrong” with your kids is your fault is a lie. Sure, we can influence things and we can help coach and shape our kids. But our kids have genetics and brains of their own and they will be who they are. You are the mom your child was supposed to have.

• Is it your fault you are not the mom you hoped you would be? No. Is it your fault that your kids end up exactly as they will? No. It’s not all on you. Is it your responsibility as a working mom to do the best you can to build awareness of what your needs are? To take steps to put yourself at the center of your life so that you can thrive in the best way possible (given all the circumstances you face) for your family, your kids, and for yourself? YES. If you’re putting in the work to do that, even if you’re not doing it perfectly, then you are doing the only thing that you’re responsible for.



• No matter what my child’s diagnosis ends up being, I’m still the amazing mom I was before we get that official report. And my daughter is still the neurodivergent, differently wired, totally wonderful, totally challenging, totally fantastic kid that she was. And I can say the same for you too.
  

We'd love to hear from you, Mama! Do you listen each week? Leave a review or share a screenshot of your favorite episode(s) on social. Be sure to tag @modernmommydoc so we can see how much you're loving the podcast!