This week, Dr. Whitney talks through a personal journey she’s been on throughout her daughter’s process of getting a formal autism diagnosis. For a long time, she’s felt this diagnosis would give her relief from feeling like all that her daughter deals with is her fault. In this episode, she tackles why that’s a damaging way of thinking and how she’s learning to reframe it.
Key takeaways:
- My oldest daughter is neurodivergent, which means her brain is wired differently and thinks differently than most others. This comes out in behaviors like tantrums, becoming overwhelmed easily, lots of anxiety, harder time sleeping, and being “behind” in social skills. We’ve seen just about every specialist under the sun to get a better understanding of just who she is. We’ve decided, now that she’s 8, to get her formally tested for autism and ADHD.
- I realized that, as we were waiting for this formal autism diagnosis, I was feeling that if we got that official word, I would feel relieved. Having that diagnosis would make me feel that her behaviors weren’t my fault…a feeling I was carrying around with me for quite some time. I wondered if I caused the things that she was going through on my PPD and anxiety, me not giving her the right foods, fighting with my husband when she was a baby. I questioned my every choice. I knew intellectually that it wasn’t my fault, but in my heart I couldn’t make it make sense.
- The message you’re telling yourself about being fully responsible for everything “wrong” with your kids is your fault is a lie. Sure, we can influence things and we can help coach and shape our kids. But our kids have genetics and brains of their own and they will be who they are. You are the mom your child was supposed to have.
- Is it your fault you are not the mom you hoped you would be? No. Is it your fault that your kids end up exactly as they will? No. It’s not all on you. Is it your responsibility as a working mom to do the best you can to build awareness of what your needs are? To take steps to put yourself at the center of your life so that you can thrive in the best way possible (given all the circumstances you face) for your family, your kids, and for yourself? YES. If you’re putting in the work to do that, even if you’re not doing it perfectly, then you are doing the only thing that you’re responsible for.
- No matter what my child’s diagnosis ends up being, I’m still the amazing mom I was before we get that official report. And my daughter is still the neurodivergent, differently wired, totally wonderful, totally challenging, totally fantastic kid that she was. And I can say the same for you too.
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About the Episode: In this eye-opening episode of the Modern Mommy Doc podcast, Dr. Whitney Casares sits down with child sleep experts Dr. Andrea Roth and Dr. Allison Shale—two clinical psychologists and co-authors of The Essential Guide to Children’s Sleep: A Tired Caregiver’s Workbook for Every Age and Stage (written with Dr. Shelby Harris) . Together, they break down the myths, shame, and unrealistic expectations that surround slee p training and offer compassionate, evidence-based advice that actually meets parents where they are. This episode is your permission slip to stop blaming yourself, throw out the cookie-cutter advice, and start working with your child’s unique temperament, challenges, and developmental stage—whether that means defiant toddlers, anxious middle-schoolers, or non-sleeping newborns. About Our Guests: Dr. Andrea Roth and Dr. Allison Shale are licensed clinical psychologists and moms who specialize in child and adolescent mental health. Together with co-author Dr. Shelby Harris, they created The Essential Guide to Children’s Sleep to give exhausted parents the tools to support their kids’ sleep with confidence, flexibility, and empathy. Their approach is grounded in science—and shaped by real-life parenting. Follow them on Instagram: @essentialkidssleep Key Takeaways: Why this sleep book is different It’s written by clinical psychologists, not influencers—and it combines science, flexibility, and real-world parenting experience. How your child’s daytime behavior impacts nighttime sleep From anxious kids to defiant or ADHD children, the team explains why your child’s personality and emotional regulation during the day matters more than you think at bedtime. The truth about sleep “milestones” You’ll learn why your two-week-old shouldn’t be sleeping through the night, why “wake windows” are often misused, and why transitioning to a toddler bed before age 3 might be setting everyone up to fail. The importance of timing and readiness Parents don’t have to sleep train when they’re already overwhelmed. These experts offer a refreshing take on how to assess if now is the right time—and how to set up for success. What works for toddlers (and what doesn’t) You’ll hear how techniques like the “break method” and “camping out” can be adapted based on your child’s age and developmental stage. How to support anxious or defiant older kids at bedtime The language we use matters. For anxious kids, it's all about reducing pressure and focusing on rest. For defiant or ADHD kids, clear expectations and behavior-based plans are key. The shame-free approach every tired caregiver needs Sleep doesn’t have to be a battleground—or a place for guilt. These authors bring compassion and practicality to every step of the process. 📩 Subscribe to The Modern Mommy Doc Podcast for more episodes on parenting with confidence and clarity. L eave a review using the hashtag #ModernMommyDoc.
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