Nothing gets me more angry than those stupid Lexus commercials every Christmas. The ones where the man walks the woman outside to a beautiful snowy wonderland with his hands over her eyes. And then when she opens her eyes she sees the brand new car with the big red bow. 

Aside from the fact no woman I know would be okay with her partner dropping $60k on a vehicle without consulting her first, the more troubling part is this: we ALL know that these commercials are fake and not rooted in any reality whatsoever. But it still plants this idea that gifts are what every mom wants and needs to make their holiday magical. That one grand gesture makes up for the rest of the year when you’re feeling like you’re all alone in running the house, working a full-time job, and taking care of the kids.

There’s NOTHING wrong with wanting something sparkly under the tree (Scott, if you’re reading this–take notes). I just want a world where the magic of the holiday season isn’t 100% created by moms, and then we also have to source, buy, AND wrap the sparkle. 

Moms everywhere are carrying more than their fair share. 

If that sounds like a pipe dream to you, you’re not alone. The research is clear: women think more about their family’s needs and are responsible for them. It’s also clear that men, on the other hand, don’t realize how much they’re not doing. No wonder women everywhere feel alone and disillusioned with their partners and their partnerships. In a  recent study, 72% of mothers surveyed said they felt invisible and over 90% revealed they felt unappreciated. 

Owning your own worth is the first step in creating more equity in your household—and in the world at-large.

I could teach you strategies a la Fair Play until the cows come home (and I think all those strategies are valid) in an attempt to alleviate the deep pain so many moms feel, but how is a mom supposed to start a conversation with her partner about equity when she doesn’t believe that she deserves it? And if she doesn’t believe her need for rest and true partnership are worthy of respect, how will she ever fight back when that conversation ends in gaslighting? I wrote about how much self-worth influences our ability to make changes in our lives at large, but especially when it comes to lessening our mental load, in this recent contributor article in Fortune. 

Understanding your needs comes from bringing awareness to them. 

Moms tell me consistently that they have no idea what they need (and, often, who they are post-kids). One easy way to identify what’s missing in your life? Pay attention to what you’re complaining about all the time or to what your body is saying. If the kids hanging off your body all day long really irks you, maybe it’s some physical space you’re craving. Or perhaps that headache is telling you to take a mental pause (or get more sleep). The tightness in your chest whenever you have guests over may be signaling that you need some solo time. 

Learning compassionate assertiveness will help you communicate your needs more effectively with your partner. 

Compassionate assertiveness is a communication style that marries empathetic listening skills with self-advocacy. When your partner tells you he’ll be golfing for the next six hours on a Saturday morning, you can use compassionate assertiveness to respond with, “I completely understand you’ve been working really hard this week and need some time to decompress. Let’s talk about how we can both get time to ourselves for rest and relaxation over the next few days so we start Monday feeling our best.”

This Christmas, I’m not asking Saint Nick for anything too crazy, just the kind of relationship I can feel good about all year long. And the good news is, a relationship that’s more and more equitable every day is not completely out of reach, though I’m not expecting 50:50 anytime soon (even Santa’s not that good), knowing how many centuries it’s taken for women to get where they are today. In my new book, Doing it All, I talk at-length about how you can build the foundation you need to more equity less of a Christmas miracle.

What’s on your Christmas (or Hanukkah or Kwanza) list this year?