Yesterday, my daughter got her brand new soccer uniforms in the mail and was so excited that she ran upstairs to wash them (I’ll take that as a huge mom win!) A few hours later she emerged and said, “Mom, we have a minor problem. Somehow all the orange from the socks got all over the white shirts. And now my uniforms are a weird yellow color.”
Cue me slamming my head into my desk.
So I took a deep breath and said, “Wow. You’re such an idiot. How could you’ve forgotten to check the label before you put it in the washer? AGAIN! And why would you put it in the dryer?! You’ve completely ruined your uniforms. UGH!”
PSYCH.
I’d never talk to my kids that way.
But I know I’ve said those same words, almost verbatim, to myself when I’ve made a silly mistake. Dropping coffee on my shirt before a meeting, forgetting to make brownies for my daughter’s bake sale at school, mixing up pick-up times for my kids’ many, many activities. Not to mention all the times I’ve dropped the ball at work.
If anyone else had any of that happen to them, I’d laugh about it or try to encourage them and move on. But somehow, when it’s my fault (or when I can’t live up to a crazy expectation I’ve put on myself), I assume it’s because I’m the worst and the dumbest and the fill in the blank with whatever superlative of the day describes my current mishap.
Do you ever talk to yourself that way? In ways that you’d never speak to another human? Especially not one that you know and love.
Last week, we talked about how being vulnerable means developing a mindful self-compassion practice where we give ourselves grace and learn to encourage ourselves in tough moments with kindness instead of criticism. We’re all too good at criticising ourselves when we feel like we’re failing in one area of life because we’re pulled in so many directions.
Mindful self-compassion was developed by Kristen Neff, Ph.D., and Christopher Germer, Ph.D. (keep an eye out--she’s going to be on the podcast in the next couple of months!) and they tell us in
The Self-Compassion Workbook that, “Self-compassion involves treating yourself the way you would treat a friend who is having a hard time — even if your friend blew it, or is feeling inadequate, or is just facing a tough life challenge.”
Of course that’s how we would treat a friend going through a hard time--with gentleness, compassion, and grace. But when it comes to ourselves, we often fall REALLY short of that mark. Mindful self-compassion teaches us to be a great friend to ourselves!
So where do we start? Let’s focus on three things: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.
Self-kindness. It’s so important to start here. Rather than being harshly critical when we notice we’ve messed up or don’t feel like we measure up, we’re supportive and encouraging and aim to protect ourselves from harm. Instead of attacking and berating ourselves for being inadequate, we offer warmth and unconditional acceptance. We actually look for the good in ourselves and instead of focusing on the negative. WHAT AN IDEA!
Common humanity.
This one seems too obvious at first. It’s recognizing that literally everyone on the planet has
something they’re going through. Or have gone through. Or will go through. Mistakes are unavoidable. Seems simple, but when we accidentally drop our phone on the ground, we act as if no one has ever been dumb enough to have a cracked screen before (and by *we* I mean *me*).
Mindfulness.
This is simply being aware of the moment you’re in. And staying in it. Not reliving your past mistakes over and over in your head or constantly going over what
could happen. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t learn from what you’ve gone through or plan for the future, it just allows you to experience the joys of the present without taking on the heaviness or responsibility of all other moments of time.
This really just touches on the surface of what mindful self-compassion is, but you can learn a lot more about it and how to practice it every month in our new
Modern Mamas Club. Check it out here!
