Laundry, cooking, cleaning, meal-planning. All of the 400 tiny daily decisions about the kids (and that’s on a slow day.) In most cases, we’re doing a majority of it. Women are still carrying the brunt of the mental load and housework that it takes to keep a household running, even in families where both parents work outside the home. Fair? Probably not. But it’s the reality that we’re living in.
Now, while I’m never here to husband or man-shame (or partner-shame), it’s really easy to feel resentful or angry when we feel like our own needs aren’t being met AND we’re carrying more than our share of the weight on our shoulders. I know I can go from a perfectly happy wife to a rage monster in about 2 seconds when I have to bring all the groceries in from the car (from the shopping trip I just planned), clear off the counters before I can even put the groceries away, and then start dinner.
All by myself.
Feeling taken for granted (or assuming that’s what’s happening!) can instantly make me feel absolutely furious. And dismissed. And hurt.
Everyone needs a way to communicate with their partners so that they can actually hear you and BOTH of you can walk away feeling validated, loved, and understood. This means talking in a way that lets you both lower your guards down.
Enter Compassionate Assertiveness.
The goal here is to reduce defensiveness and come from a place of
curiosity while maintaining self-respect and boundaries.
How to communicate with Compassionate Assertiveness:
Be direct and firm, but loving. Give A LOT of kindness and compassion. The more you can assume the best about your partner and their intentions, the better. Bring curiosity to your conversations whenever possible.
Open the door to honest emotional conversations
with phrases like, “The story I’m telling myself when you say X (or when you do Y) is ________. Is that true?”
Avoid critical and shaming language. For every one negative encounter you have with your partner, it takes five positive interactions to get you back to a stable place. While we’re at it, avoid sweeping generalities in your conversations like “always” or “never.” They aren’t productive and end up causing more damage.
Make requests instead of demands. This builds trust and when both of you trust that you have each other's backs, you reduce the tension in your interactions. We’d all rather be on a team with someone instead of feeling like you have another boss telling you what you have to do.
More resources to check out before your next tough conversation:
- Fair Play by Eve Rodsky: a time- and anxiety-saving system that offers couples a completely new way to divvy up domestic responsibilities Check out our podcast episode, How to Achieve a Happy Division of Household Labor, with her on August 5th as well!
- How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids by Jancee Dunn: a hilariously candid account of one woman's quest to bring her post-baby marriage back from the brink, with life-changing, real-world advice.
- The Modern Mamas Club: Brand new for Modern Mommy Doc! This is the place where mamas can access on-demand videos about exactly how to parent in partnership, plus more! (Trust me, you definitely want to be in here.)
You've got this, Mama!
I know first-hand that working mom life is hard, but I also know it doesn’t have to be impossible.
Trust me. The best way to get unstuck isn’t to work harder. It’s to use a framework that gets real results, no matter what area you need to tackle first.