A couple years ago when my in-laws were in town, we were trying to decide where we wanted to go to dinner. Figuring that out for 6 people is hard enough, but when two of them are kids, one with neurodivergence, it can feel impossible.
One place we knew would be too noisy. One place only served fish which was a no-go for some of the adults. We had to account for allergies. And “healthiness.” And just general pickiness.
By the time we sat down for dinner, I realized the restaurant we picked was one of my least faves and there really wasn’t much I wanted to eat there. I hadn’t paid attention to anything iiiiiii wanted. And I think we do that way too often as women.
Now, I’m not saying I should’ve told my family, “I want Italian food and that’s our only option!” Obviously there’s different ways to handle that. Plus, we’re all too aware that there are plenty of times as a mom where you simply have to put aside your wants and do what your kiddos need.
I think we run into the problem when we’re trying to decide on bigger things in life. Where to live, where to send our kids to school, what we want our career to look like. When we don’t take into consideration what our own needs and wants are, everything feels murky.
And honestly, it’s probably because we aren’t even aware of what we actually want. We’re constantly running our decisions through the filter of what everyone else needs, that we don’t know what a “win” would look like for us!
Let’s imagine there were two different options I could take in my career: one is a very high-paid hospital administrator where I would oversee the staffing and daily operations at a hospital that’s about 30 miles from our house and the other is working at a clinic down the street from us where I would see patients on a daily basis and interact with their families.
With the hospital job, the pay would be so good that we could be really set for the future. We could greatly contribute to college funds for my daughters, the paid vacation days are AMAZING, and we wouldn’t just have margin in our budget, we’d have freedom. But it would mean at least an hour commute both ways and I’d have to hire a full-time nanny because there’s no way I’d be able to pick up my girls or be home by the time dinner was on the table.
With the clinical job, it would be significantly less money, but I’d be so close to the girls’ school that I’d be able to do most pickups and drop offs. It would be a higher physical workload than the other job, as I’d be on my feet all day (I’m not saying it’s like I’m working in construction…but still, my poor feet.)
If I just looked at it from those angles, it might be really difficult to decide. More pay (which truthfully helps with a lot of things) or more flexibility and time with my family? More drive time or more achy feet?
But we haven’t looked at the thing that matters most: what do I actually want out of my career? There’s a huge gap that makes it really easy for me to decide (in this totally hypothetical situation): in one job, I’m not actually practicing medicine. I wouldn’t get to see patients. And that’s what gives me LIFE in my job. Yeah, the money would be GREAT (who wouldn’t be tempted by that?) but if I’m going to be miserable, it’s not worth it.
Maybe it’s not a job for you. Maybe it’s whether to have more kids or not. Or how to handle your aging parents.
Each one of those decisions can feel absolutely overwhelming if you’re just looking at what everyone else needs in those situations (again, not that we’re discounting that). If you’re just making a pros and cons list, it still might not account for you, your situation, and what you really want.
You can’t be afraid to voice your opinion, especially on decisions that are more life changing than where to go for dinner. When you don’t, and a choice is made that ends up being in stark contrast to the vision you had for your life, resentment is SURE to grow. And that only leads to other negative places for you, your mindset, and your relationships.
If you’re feeling like, “How the heck do I even figure out what I want out of life in the first place?” go back and read this blog. Because it’s obviously pretty tough to be clear about your needs and wants if you don’t even know what they are.
Take this affirmation with you today: my needs are valuable and deserve to be heard.
