Key Takeaways:
- Even if you have the best systems and drive, those don’t add up to “making it” as a working parent. You can’t just work harder and “win.”
- Even as an expert in the field, it’s still possible to feel like you’re not doing a great job as a working parent and that you’re always falling behind.
- Stop should-ing on yourself when you feel like you’re not living up to expectations.
- Sustainability is the new work/life balance.
INSIDE THE EPISODE:
Dr.Whitney: Give us some background on who you are and what your business does.
Sarah: I am Sarah Peck and I’m the founder of Start Up Parent and we work with women in leadership positions that are also navigating parenting. Before I was a parent, I thought if you just had enough systems, tools, motivation, energy, focus, and drive, that’s what would make you into a stellar working parent. That if you just work harder than everyone else, you’ll be able to make it.
However, I quickly learned that there’s not anything you can control as a parent: your birth experience, how you got pregnant, who your kid is. So working really hard doesn’t mean it will be smooth sailing.
But that’s the message that’s been taught to us, externally, in the working woman world. Just get a nanny and it will be easier. Just pay for before and after school help and it will be easier. Plus, we’re told in the self-help manifesting world that if you just want it enough, you’ll be this amazing person. And so will your kids.
There’s also a cultural expectation that moms show up to work not as moms. Don’t have any needs of your kids show up at work. Don’t show any “weakness” because you’re a mom. Otherwise you leave your seat at the table. Which pigeon-holes women into not wanting to ask for any help or flexibility because we don’t want to look less than or burdensome.
Dr. Whitney: Can you give us a few nuggets from your book?
Sarah:
- Lies we tell mothers about motherhood: All women are supposed to become parents. Every mother enjoys all of parenting. Pregnancy will come naturally and be easy.
- You’re supposed to love parenting, but we need to give mothers permission to not love it. And give them permission out loud. Let’s normalize and talk about it.
- It’s not about brushing past the hard feelings or pretending we don’t have them. It's about modeling working through the feeling and, more importantly, sitting with the feeling. We should learn to be okay with hard feelings being there and not doing anything with or about the feeling until we actually have a response that’s going to be helpful—rather than reacting to the feeling in a way that will actually be more harmful for us.
Dr. Whitney: Women are constantly being thrown extra tasks that take up their time. Do you have any “hacks” to set boundaries for your time?
Sarah:
- One of my favorite ways is to simply say, “thank you but that’s not a good fit for me right now.”
- Mute notifications on your phone during your work day.
- One joint email address for you and your spouse for all school correspondence, so they don’t have individual access to each parent. And each of you take turns checking or responding.
Dr. Whitney: What is something most people don’t realize about being a working parent?
Sarah: It’s lonely being in leadership. It’s already lonely being a working mom. You don’t have time to see your friends. Other parents don’t understand you. Co-workers don’t understand you. Then if you’re in a leadership role, no one tells you how much more lonely it gets. Because now, you’ve got even more people relying on you.
Plus, I’d really like to reclaim the phrase “parenting isn't a sprint, it's a marathon.” Parenting isn’t a marathon. It’s packing your bags to cross the United States— as if you have to get coast to coast. You can’t wake up and run a marathon every day. You have to set a pace you can sustain. Sleep, drink water, little bits at a time. Slower will actually get there faster.
Sustainability is the new balance. Is the way your life is going sustainable? Sure, there are some seasons that are harder and you’ve got more work. But over the course of your life, if that's the way it is day in and day out, you’ll burn out.
Dr. Whitney: If you’re starting to feel burn out, what can you do?
Sarah: Try to address it early. Don’t wait till you’re exhausted, angry at everyone, and have a migraine. Also, think about what is happening right now that feels unsustainable. Tell yourself or whomever you need to put boundaries in place with, “I’ve over committed. I can no longer do this. Here’s what I propose we do instead.”
You’re allowed to change your mind and slow down. Take ownership of how you got there, make it right, and then learn so you can make changes for next time.
Dr. Whitney: What can you do to prevent burnout?
Sarah: Instead of asking what you should do, ask yourself what can you NOT do? Super simple things like not making a different meal every night. Stick with 5 and rotate them. How can you streamline all the things?
Dr. Whitney: What would you tell a mama who was interested in starting a business?
Sarah: Everyone has it in them to run a business. All you have to do is sell something, it has to make money, and you have to deliver on it. So don’t be afraid to charge money! You won’t know if the business is solving a need for people until you ask them to pay you for it. And, don’t listen to people giving advice that aren’t after the same goals as you. If you’re in it for time freedom, don’t start listening to the Silicon Valley startups. Find people that align with your goals and listen to them.
