The Modern Mommy Doc Blog | Tips + Support for Stay at Home + Working Moms

POTTY TRAINING ISN'T JUST BEHAVIORAL: THE HIDDEN SCIENCE OF KIDS' PELVIC HEALTH WITH QUIARA SMITH

Thu, 23 Apr 2026 10:30:04 GMT

About the Episode:

Potty training can feel like one of the most stressful milestones in early parenting. There’s pressure from preschool deadlines, advice from every corner of the internet, and the nagging feeling that your child is the only one who hasn’t figured it out yet. But what if potty training struggles aren’t really about behavior at all?

In this episode, Dr. Whitney talks with Dr. Quiara Smith , a pediatric pelvic health occupational therapist and founder of Aloha Integrative Therapy, about the many biological, sensory, and developmental factors that influence toileting.

They discuss why constipation, sensory sensitivities, anxiety, and muscle coo rdination all play a role in toileting success (and why the “three-day potty training method” often misses the bigger picture).

If potty training has been a source of stress in your family, this episode offers a compassionate, evidence-based perspective on what might actually be going on inside your child’s body.

About Our Guest:

Dr. Quiara Smith, OTD, OTR/L is a pediatric pelvic health occupational therapist and the founder of Aloha Integrative Therapy .

She specializes in helping children with toileting challenges including constipation, bedwetting, toileting anxiety, and pelvic floor dysfunction. Her work focuses on understanding how children’s sensory systems, neuromuscular development, and environments interact to support healthy bladder and bowel function.

Dr. Smith works with families to create individualized plans that support children’s confidence and independence with toileting.

Want to Start Raising Body-Confident Kids Today?

�� Order the Book

My One-of-a-Kind Body gives kids the language and understanding they need to care for their bodies with respect without fear, shame, or appearance-based messaging. Through inclusive illustrations and evidence-based health education, the book teaches body literacy, boundaries, and self-trust in a way kids can actually grasp.

Order your copy of My One-of-a-Kind Body
�� www.raisingbodyconfidentkids.com/books

WEIGHT, MUSCLE, METABOLISM, AND MOMS: WHAT WE'RE GETTING WRONG ABOUT HEALTH WITH MATTHEA RENTEA

Fri, 10 Apr 2026 10:30:00 GMT

About the Episode:

Weight and body image are some of the most emotionally charged topics in modern health conversations.

On one side, diet culture pushes unrealistic ideals. On the other, conversations about health and weight can sometimes feel taboo.

In this episode, Dr. Whitney is joined by obesity medicine specialist Dr. Matthea Rentea for a nuanced conversation about metabolic health, muscle, food noise, GLP-1 medications, and what sustainable health actually looks like.

Dr. Rentea brings both professional expertise and personal experience to the discussion, sharing why she entered obesity medicine and why she believes we need to move beyond simplistic ideas about weight and willpower.

Together, they explore what parents—and anyone navigating their own relationship with food and bodies—need to understand about metabolism, behavior change, and modeling healthy attitudes for the next generation.

About Our Guest:

Dr. Matthea Rentea is a double board-certified physician in Internal Medicine and Obesity Medicine and the founder of the Rentea Metabolic Clinic , a telehealth specialty practice focused on helping people improve their metabolic health and manage chronic weight challenges with evidence-based care.

What sets Dr. Rentea apart is not just her medical expertise but her personal experience navigating lifelong weight struggles. She lear ned firsthand how frustrating and confusing traditional dieting can be. That experience led her to challenge diet culture and shift toward a compassionate, biology-informed approach to health that doesn’t blame patients for their struggles.

At Rentea Metabolic Clinic, Dr. Rentea blends medical care, nutrition education, behavior change support, and thoughtful use of tools like GLP-1 medications so patients can work with their biology, not against it. Her philosophy centers on sustainable, long-term success rather than quick fixes.

She also hosts The Obesity Guide with Matthea Rentea MD , a top-rated podcast dedicated to digging into complex issues around metabolism, chronic weight management, behavior change, and evidence-based strategies for improving health. Her work reaches a wide audience through clinical care, online programs, speaking engagements, and social media, all rooted in empathy, science, and real-world experience.

Want to Start Raising Body-Confident Kids Today?

�� Order the Book

Order your copy of My One-of-a-Kind Body
�� www.raisingbodyconfidentkids.com/books

SAME PAGE PARENTING: COMMUNICATING, REPAIRING, AND RAISING KIDS TOGETHER WITH MARTINA NOVA

Thu, 02 Apr 2026 21:22:05 GMT

About the Episode:

Parenting can bring enormous joy but it can also put significant strain on relationships.

In this episode, Dr. Whitney sits down with registered clinical counselor Martina Nova, author of Same Page Parenting , to talk about one of the most common challenges couples face after having children: getting on the same page.

They discuss the invisible mental load that many parents (especially mothers!) carry, why conversations about parenting and division of labor often go sideways, and how couples can communicate more effectively when emotions run high.

The conversation also explores how family-of-origin experiences shape parenting decisions, how to repair conflict in front of kids in healthy ways, and why raising neurodivergent children can add additional layers of stress and complexity to relationships. This episode offers practical tools and thoughtful insights for couples who want to parent as a team even when things feel messy.

About Our Guest:

Martina Nova is a registered clinical counselor based in Vancouver, British Columbia, a parenting therapist, and the author of Same Page Parenting .

Through her clinical work with individuals and couples, Martina noticed a common pattern: many parents dee ply love each other but struggle with the emotional and invisible labor that parenting brings.

Her book, Same Page Parenting , helps couples make the invisible mental load visible and provides practical tools for communicating about parenting values, dividing responsibilities more fairly, and navigating conflict in healthier ways. Martina is also a mom and co-parent herself, bringing both professional expertise and lived experience to her work with families.

Want to Start Raising Body-Confident Kids Today?

�� Order the Book

Order your copy of My One-of-a-Kind Body
�� www.raisingbodyconfidentkids.com/books

ORGANIZING FOR REAL LIFE: HOME SYSTEMS THAT ACTUALLY WORK WITH MARYJO MONROE

Thu, 12 Mar 2026 13:30:05 GMT

About the Episode:

Many families struggle to balance busy schedules, parenting demands, and neurodivergent needs while also trying to create spaces that feel calm and functional. In this episode, Dr. Whitney Casares talks with professional organizer MaryJo Monroe about how to create sustainable organizing systems that work for real families, not just curated Instagram feeds.

They dive into how organization impacts mental load, anxiety, and daily functioning — especially for parents and kids with ADHD or autism — and share practical strategies to make organizing accessible and achievable, including:

Why organizing isn’t about perfection — and why messy doesn’t equal failure

How organization can reduce overwhelm and save time in daily routines

ADHD-friendly organizing strategies that actually stick

The difference between “open storage” vs. “closed storage” personalities and how to compromise in shared spaces

Realistic approaches to kids’ rooms (hint: perfection isn’t the goal)

Why breaking tasks into small, manageable steps helps both kids and adults

Decluttering strategies that work for different ages and personalities

Creating sustainable routines without nagging or burnout

About Our Guest:

MaryJo Monroe is the founder and chief organizer of ReSPACEd , a Portland-based professional organizing service that helps families create functional, sustainable systems in their homes. With nearly two decades of experience, she specializes in realistic organizing approaches that support busy households, neurodivergent individuals, and families looking to reduce overwhelm through thoughtful space design.

Want to Start Raising Body-Confident Kids Today?

�� Order the Book

Order your copy of My One-of-a-Kind Body
�� www.raisingbodyconfidentkids.com/books

RAISING KIDS WHO THINK DIFFERENTLY: DYSLEXIA, IDENTITY, AND LEARNING OUTSIDE THE BOX WITH NANCY LASATER

Thu, 26 Feb 2026 15:00:18 GMT

About the Episode:

What does it mean to grow up feeling different, especially when no one has the language to explain why?

In this episode, Dr. Whitney Casares welcomes author Nancy Lasater to discuss her novel Farmer’s Son , which tells the story of a dyslexic young farmer navigating identity, family expectations, and the lasting impact of being misunderstood in childhood.

Although fictional, the story highlights real-world themes that many families experience today: learning differences, neurodiversity, delayed diagnoses, and the journey toward self-acceptance.

Together, Whitney and Nancy explore:

How early mislabeling affects confidence and identity

Why many neurodivergent kids experience “late coming-of-age”

The role parents play in creating emotional safety for kids who learn differently

The challenges of navigating rigid educational systems

The complicated emotions parents may feel when recognizing their own traits in their children

This episode is both validating and hopeful, especially for parents raising kids with ADHD, dyslexia, autism, anxiety, or other learning differences.

About Our Guest:

Nancy Lasater is the author of Farmer’s Son , a novel that explores dyslexia, identity, and the long-term impact of growing up with learning differences before they were widely understood or named. Drawing from personal experience, observation, and deep storytelling, her work highlights themes of neurodiversity, family dynamics, resilience, and self-discovery. Nancy’s writing aims to create meaningful representation for readers who learn differently while offering a hopeful, compassionate lens for parents, educators, and anyone navigating the complexities of raising and supporting neurodivergent kids.

Want to Start Raising Body-Confident Kids Today?

�� Order the Book

Order your copy of My One-of-a-Kind Body
�� www.raisingbodyconfidentkids.com/books

THE INVISIBLE LABOR OF BEING A GOOD DAUGHTER WITH ALLISON ALFORD, PHD

Thu, 12 Feb 2026 14:30:02 GMT

About the Episode:

What does it actually mean to be a good daughter and why does that role feel so heavy for so many women?

In this episode, Dr. Whitney Casares sits down with Dr. Allison Alford, communication scholar and author of Good Daughtering , to unpack the emotional labor, invisible expectations, and generational pressures that daughters—especially women in midlife—carry every day.

They explore how “good daughtering” shows up in real life: managing parents’ emotions, holding family relationships together, navigating aging parents while raising kids, and feeling responsible for everyone else’s happiness. Together, they challenge the idea that being a good daughter means self-sacrifice, silence, or approval—and offer a more humane, sustainable way forward.

This conversation is especially resonant for women in the sandwich generation, caregivers, healthcare providers, and anyone who feels stretched thin by family obligation and guilt.

In this episode, we discuss:

What “good daughtering” really is and why it often goes unseen and uncredited
How gender roles shape expectations for daughters versus sons
The emotional toll of being part of the sandwich generation
Why redefining daughtering is essential for women’s mental health
Letting go of perfection, approval, and obligation
How to decide what being a good daughter means for you
Why you’re likely already doing enough even if it doesn’t feel that way

This episode is a validating reminder that healthy relationships don’t require endless self-erasure and that being a good daughter does not mean abandoning yourself.

About Our Guest:

Dr. Allison Alford is a communication scholar, professor at Baylor University, and the author of Good Daughtering: The Work You’ve Always Done, the Credit You’ve Never Gotten, and How to Finally Feel Like Enough . Her research focuses on the invisible emotional labor women perform within families, particularly the often-unspoken work of being a daughter.

Through years of qualitative research and conversations with hundreds of women, Dr. Alford has helped bring language and clarity to the experience of daughtering, offering a framework that prioritizes agency, self-preservation, and honest relationships over guilt and perfection. Her work invites women to redefine what it means to be a “good daughter” in a way that supports—not sacrifices—their well-being.

Want to Start Raising Body-Confident Kids Today?

�� Order the Book

Order your copy of My One-of-a-Kind Body
�� www.raisingbodyconfidentkids.com/books

BIG KIDS, BIGGER FEELINGS:NERVOUS SYSTEMS, NEURODIVERSITY, AND WHY REGULATION COMES FIRST WITH ALYSSA CAMPBELL

Thu, 29 Jan 2026 14:30:07 GMT

About the Episode:

When kids move out of toddlerhood, many parents expect things to get easier. More sleep. More independence. Fewer meltdowns. But for many families, the opposite happens.

In this episode, Dr. Whitney Casares talks with Alyssa Campbell, founder of Seed and Sow and author of Big Kids, Bigger Feelings , about why the elementary and middle school years bring new emotional challenges, especially for neurodivergent kids.

Together, they explore:

Why adults often fall into the “they’re old enough to know better” trap and why it backfires
How identity, belonging, and social awareness shift around age 7 (drawing on research often discussed by Brené Brown)
The difference between neurotypical and neurodivergent nervous systems and why comparison doesn’t help
Why sensory regulation must come before connection, behavior, or learning
How two kids in the same family can need completely different responses in the same moment
Why meltdowns aren’t failures and why repair matters more than perfection
How schools can reduce behavior issues dramatically by supporting regulation first
Letting go of the myth that doing everything “right” leads to calm, compliant kids

Alyssa also shares concrete examples of how understanding a child’s sensory profile can transform parenting, teaching, and family dynamics—and why the goal is not constant calm, but access to regulation when it matters most.

This episode is especially meaningful for parents of kids with ADHD, autism, sensory sensitivities, or big emotions and for any caregiver who’s tired of feeling like they’re doing it wrong.

About Our Guest:

Alyssa Campbell is a teacher, emotional development expert, and the founder and CEO of Seed & Sew , an organization dedicated to helping parents, caregivers, and educators understand and meet the needs of unique nervous systems so that humans—young and old—can regulate, connect, and thrive. At the heart of her work is a simple but transformative idea: regulation comes before behavior, learning, and connection.

Alyssa holds a master’s degree in early childhood education and co-created the Collaborative Emotion Processing method, an approach she has researched and shared nationally. Her mission is to change the way adults experience children’s emotions so we can respond with intention and help raise emotionally intelligent humans.

She is the author of Big Kids, Bigger Feelings and Tiny Humans, Big Emotion s, and she brings research-backed tools, compassionate insight, and real-world stories to parents and professionals through books, speaking, workshops, and her popular Voices of Your Village podcast.

Through Seed & Sew’s work—whether it’s one-on-one coaching, school partnerships, or free resources like the Regulation Questionnaire—Alyssa equips families and educators with practical strategies to support better emotional regulation, deeper connection, and more resilient communities.

Want to Start Raising Body-Confident Kids Today?

�� Order the Book

My One-of-a-Kind Body gives kids the language and understanding they need to care for their bodies with respect—without fear, shame, or appearance-based messaging. Through inclusive illustrations and evidence-based health education, the book teaches body literacy, boundaries, and self-trust in a way kids can actually grasp.

Order your copy of My One-of-a-Kind Body
�� www.raisingbodyconfidentkids.com/books

CLARITY MATTERS: HOW EARLY AUTISM DETECTION CAN CHANGE A CHILD'S LIFELONG TRAJECTORY

Wed, 17 Dec 2025 21:26:43 GMT

About the Episode:

In this episode, Dr. Whitney sits down with Dr. Jay Gargus and Dave Justus from NeuroQure to discuss the power of early clarity when it comes to autism detection and why earlier intervention can fundamentally change outcomes for childre n and families.

Dr. Gargus explains the science behind early behavioral therapies and why their impact goes far beyond short-term skill-building. Research shows that early, evidence-based interventions can lead to measurable, lifelong improvements in IQ, so cial skills, independence, and educational placement, often determining whether a child can thrive in mainstream education or requires ongoing specialized support.

The conversation also tackles a critical and often overlooked issue: access. Dave Justus shares the personal motivation behind NeuroQure’s work and explains why the test is being launched at cost, with installment plans and employer subsidies, while the team works toward insurance coverage. The goal is to prevent families from losing precious years waiting for answers.

Together, they emphasize a hopeful message for parents: families don’t need to wait for a future “silver bullet.” We already have therapies that work and getting kids connected to them earlier can change the course of a lifetime.

In this episode, we discuss:

Why early autism detection leads to lifelong changes—not just short-term gains

What a 17-point IQ difference actually means for education, independence, and quality of life

How early intervention can shift developmental trajectories as early as 6 months

The science and validation behind current autism therapies

Why NeuroQure is pricing testing at cost while pursuing insurance coverage

How early clarity can reduce long-term strain on families, schools, and healthcare systems

This episode is a powerful reminder that timing matters and that early access to answers can make an extraordinary difference for children and the families who love them.

About Our Guest:

Dr. Jay Gargus, MD, PhD is a physician-scientist and nationally recognized expert in neurodevelopmental disorders, with decades of experience researching the biological underpinnings of autism. His work has focused on translating well-established science into meaningful, real-world interventions that can improve lifelong outcomes for children. Dr. Gargus emphasizes that early, evidence-based therapies are already available—and that connecting families to them sooner can fundamentally change developmental trajectories.

Dave Justus is a parent and the founder of NeuroQure, whose work is driven by personal experience navigating delayed autism diagnosis and intervention. Motivated by the belief that early clarity can spare families years of uncertainty, Dave is focused on expanding access to early testing through cost-based pricing and ongoing efforts to secure insurance coverage. His mission is simple but powerful: ensure families don’t have to wait for answers that could change everything.

Want to Start Raising Body-Confident Kids Today?

�� Order the Book

Order your copy of My One-of-a-Kind Body
�� www.raisingbodyconfidentkids.com/books

�� Claim Your Free Bonus

When you order on our site, you’ll also get access to a FREE video mini-course with five bite-sized lessons for parents. In just 25 minutes, you’ll walk away with:

Simple, script-style ways to respond when your kid says, “I hate my thighs”
How to talk about health without weight talk
What to do when your own inner critic shows up
How to interrupt diet culture at home
The first step to raising a body-confident kid, even if you didn’t grow up as one

�� Subscribe to The Modern Mommy Doc Podcast for more episodes on parenting with confidence and clarity. Leave a review using the hashtag #ModernMommyDoc.

HELD TOGETHER: MOTHERHOOD, MEDICINE, LOSS, AND THE POWER OF SHARED STORIES WITH DR. REBECCA THOMPSON

Thu, 04 Dec 2025 14:30:00 GMT

About the Episode:

What if the stories we struggle to share are the very ones that could help someone else feel less alone?

In this deeply moving episode of the Modern Mommy Doc Podcast, Dr. Whitney sits down with physician and author Dr. Rebecca Thompson to talk about her powerful collaborative memoir, Held Together: A Shared Memoir of Motherhood, Medicine, and Imperfect Love. The book weaves together the real-life stories of 22 women navigating infertility, pregnancy loss, adoption, medical trauma, foster care, grief, and the countless unexpected turns that shape family life.

Dr. Thompson shares the origin of the book, born from her own life-threatening pregnancy complications, and why preserving women’s stories felt essential in a culture that often pushes these experiences into silence. Together, Whitney and Rebecca explore themes of isolation, vulnerability, grief, flexibility, and the emotional complexity of becoming—and being—a parent.

Throughout the conversation, they unpack what it means to:

Feel deeply alone in motherhood, even when surrounded by others

Let go of rigid expectations and grieve the family life you thought you would have

Navigate identity when medical knowledge doesn’t protect you from fear or uncertainty

Face the guilt and self-blame that often show up when our children struggle

Redefine family beyond biology through adoption, fostering, step-parenthood, and chosen family

Hold grief and joy at the same time, especially when honoring lost parents and imperfect relationships

They also touch on the dangers of misinformation around autism, vaccines, Tylenol, and fever, offering an evidence-based reminder that correlation does not equal causation, and that parents deserve science, not shame.

One of the most powerful through-lines of this episode is the idea that no love is perfect but it is real. Through stories of romantic partnerships, medical care, friendship, and community, this conversation is a reminder that none of us do this alone, even when it feels that way in the moment.

Whether you are on a straightforward path to parenthood or a deeply complicated one, this episode will leave you feeling seen, steadied, and reminded that your story matters.

About Our Guest:

Dr. Rebecca N. Thompson is a physician and the author of Held Together: A Shared Memoir of Motherhood, Medicine, and Imperfect Love . She collaborated with 21 other women across medicine and caregiving professions to craft a decade-long storytelling project that preserves the emotional truth and medical reality of modern motherhood.

Learn more and order the book at: www.RebeccaNThompson.com

Want to Start Raising Body-Confident Kids Today?

�� Order the Book

Order your copy of My One-of-a-Kind Body
�� www.raisingbodyconfidentkids.com/books

�� Claim Your Free Bonus

When you order on our site, you’ll also get access to a FREE video mini-course with five bite-sized lessons for parents. In just 25 minutes, you’ll walk away with:

Simple, script-style ways to respond when your kid says, “I hate my thighs”
How to talk about health without weight talk
What to do when your own inner critic shows up
How to interrupt diet culture at home
The first step to raising a body-confident kid, even if you didn’t grow up as one

�� Subscribe to The Modern Mommy Doc Podcast for more episodes on parenting with confidence and clarity. Leave a review using the hashtag #ModernMommyDoc.

BUSY IS A FOUR LETTER WORD: DOING LESS, LIVING MORE WITH KISHSHANA PALMER

Thu, 13 Nov 2025 20:34:11 GMT

About the Episode:

In this episode of The Modern Mommy Doc Podcast, Dr. Whitney sits down with Kishshana Palmer, speaker, coach, and author of Busy Is a Four-Letter Word: A Guide to Achieving More by Doing Less.

Together, they dive into what happens when moms finally decide to step off the hamster wheel of over-functioning and start living with more intention, joy, and rest.

You’ll hear:

�� Why busyness has become the new badge of honor and how it’s isolating us

��‍♀️ Kishshana’s Five-Star Wellness Plan to help you identify where you’re out of alignment (physical, emotional, spiritual, financial, and community)

�� The real reason moms struggle with sleep and how Kishshana created bedtime rituals that actually work

��️ How to use time-blocking and “buffer blocks” to reclaim your schedule and your sanity

�� Why multitasking doesn’t make you more productive and how to practice doing less so you can achieve more

�� Real talk about canceling plans with integrity, managing guilt, and redefining success beyond everyone else’s expectations

This conversation is honest, empowering, and packed with practical strategies for any mom who’s ever thought, “If I slow down, everything will fall apart.” Spoiler: it won’t and Kishshana shows you exactly why.

About Our Guest:

Kishshana Palmer is an author, international speaker, and executive coach whose superpower is helping high-achieving women design lives filled with purpose, joy, and peace, not just productivity.

A solo mom, entrepreneur, and recovering over-doer, Kishshana brings humor, heart, and hard-earned wisdom to every conversation about motherhood, leadership, and balance. Her debut book, Busy Is a Four-Letter Word: A Guide to Achieving More by Doing Less , offers a framework for reclaiming time, energy, and self-worth through her signature Five-Star Wellness Plan.

Find Kishshana online at kishshanapalmer.com , and across social media @kishshanapalmer — where she shares refreshingly real advice for ambitious women who are ready to slow down without losing their edge.

Want to Start Raising Body-Confident Kids Today?

�� Order the Book

Order your copy of My One-of-a-Kind Body
�� www.raisingbodyconfidentkids.com/books

�� Claim Your Free Bonus

When you order on our site, you’ll also get access to a FREE video mini-course with five bite-sized lessons for parents. In just 25 minutes, you’ll walk away with:

Simple, script-style ways to respond when your kid says, “I hate my thighs”
How to talk about health without weight talk
What to do when your own inner critic shows up
How to interrupt diet culture at home
The first step to raising a body-confident kid—even if you didn’t grow up as one

�� Subscribe to The Modern Mommy Doc Podcast for more episodes on parenting with confidence and clarity. Leave a review using the hashtag #ModernMommyDoc.

FEEDING WITHOUT FEAR WITH JORDYN KOVELESKI GORMAN OF EAT PLAY SAY

Wed, 05 Nov 2025 14:30:02 GMT

About the Episode:

In this episode of The Modern Mommy Doc Podcast, Dr. Whitney sits down with Jordyn Koveleski Gorman, a licensed pediatric feeding specialist, speech-language pathologist, and founder of Eat Play Say, a global parenting resource reaching families in over 100 countries.

Together, they unpack one of the most stressful parts of early parenthood: feeding babies and toddlers and how to do it with less anxiety and more confidence.

You’ll hear:

�� Why starting solids feels so overwhelming (and how social media makes it harder)

�� The truth about iron, variety, and “healthy fast foods” that actually work

�� What parents should really know about probiotics and gut health

�� How to tell the difference between gagging and choking — and how to stay calm when your baby gags

�� The real deal on baby-led weaning vs. purees (and why you don’t have to pick a side)

�� Simple ways to help your child develop a healthy relationship with food from day one — without diet culture sneaking in

Dr. Whitney and Jordyn also share personal stories, expert insight, and practical tools to help parents replace pressure with presence at mealtimes — and raise confident, curious eaters for life.

About Our Guest:

Jordyn Koveleski Gorman is a licensed pediatric feeding specialist and speech-language pathologist who has helped millions of parents around the world take the stress out of feeding. She’s the founder of Eat Play Say, a global parenting resource that empowers families to nurture healthy relationships with food, play, and communication from the very start.

Through her evidence-based guidance and relatable approach, Jordyn helps parents feel confident supporting their babies and toddlers as they learn to eat, talk, and explore the world — without the guilt, fear, or overwhelm that so often comes with parenting in the age of social media.

You can find Jordyn at @eatplaysay and eatplaysay.com , where she shares expert advice, free resources, and practical tools for parents everywhere.

Want to Start Raising Body-Confident Kids Today?

�� Order the Book

Order your copy of My One-of-a-Kind Body
�� www.raisingbodyconfidentkids.com/books

�� Claim Your Free Bonus

When you order on our site, you’ll also get access to a FREE video mini-course with five bite-sized lessons for parents. In just 25 minutes, you’ll walk away with:

Simple, script-style ways to respond when your kid says, “I hate my thighs”
How to talk about health without weight talk
What to do when your own inner critic shows up
How to interrupt diet culture at home
The first step to raising a body-confident kid—even if you didn’t grow up as one

�� Subscribe to The Modern Mommy Doc Podcast for more episodes on parenting with confidence and clarity. Leave a review using the hashtag #ModernMommyDoc.

WHY YOUR CHILD'S REGULATION STARTS WITH YOU WITH DR. KALILA ROBINSON AND SARAH GERTZENGANG

Wed, 29 Oct 2025 15:00:07 GMT

About the Episode:

In this episode of the Modern Mommy Doc Podcast, Dr. Whitney is joined by Kahlila Robinson, PhD, and Sarah Gertzenzang , co-authors of The Self-Regulation Workbook for Children Ages 5–8 . Together, they dive into the critical role self-regulation plays in kids’ emotional well-being—and how parents can support it at home.

Dr. Robinson and Sarah share why they created a resource that’s accessible, practical, and ready-to-use —a workbook parents can read one night and apply the next morning. They explain why self-regulation isn’t just about what kids learn at school, but about what’s modeled at home—and how parents’ ability to stay calm and reflect directly shapes their children’s resilience.

You’ll hear:

Why social-emotional learning in schools is important—but not enough on its own.

The crucial role of parent self-regulation in helping kids develop healthy coping skills.

A refreshing reminder that parents don’t need to be perfect—just consistent about 60% of the time.

How to find middle ground between strict, rigid parenting and letting emotions run wild.

Evidence-based strategies distilled into approachable exercises for both kids and parents.

Dr. Robinson and Sarah also share their philosophy: parenting isn’t about outsourcing regulation to schools or therapists. It’s about connection, repair, and reflection at home —and giving ourselves grace along the way.

Key Takeaways:

Self-regulation starts with parents. Kids learn emotional control best when it’s modeled consistently at home.

Schools can’t do it alone. Social-emotional learning in classrooms is valuable, but long-term success comes from what happens with caregivers.

Perfection isn’t required. If you can stay calm and model healthy coping around 60% of the time, you’re already doing meaningful work.

Repair matters. Mistakes are inevitable; what counts is showing kids how to apologize, reconnect, and keep growing.

Balance is possible. Parenting shouldn’t swing between extremes—whether strict rigidity or total permissiveness. Reflection and responsiveness create the middle ground kids need.

Evidence still matters. Decades of research on attachment, trauma, and resilience back up these practices—so you can trust the guidance.

About Our Guest

Kahlila Robinson, PhD, and Sarah Gertzenzang, LCSW, are seasoned therapists and co-authors of The Self-Regulation Workbook for Children Ages 5–8 . Together, they bring decades of experience working with kids and families, helping parents understand the vital connection between their own regulation and their children’s ability to manage big feelings.

Their workbook was created as a practical, approachable tool—something parents can pick up, read in sections, and immediately put into practice with their kids. With backgrounds in child therapy, trauma-informed care, and family systems, Dr. Robinson and Sarah focus on giving parents accessible strategies to create calmer, more connected households.

Want to Start Raising Body-Confident Kids Today?

�� Pre-order the Book

Order your copy of My One-of-a-Kind Body before it launches on October 20, 2025.
�� www.raisingbodyconfidentkids.com/books

�� Claim Your Free Bonus

When you pre-order, you’ll also get access to a FREE video mini-course with five bite-sized lessons for parents. In just 25 minutes, you’ll walk away with:

Simple, script-style ways to respond when your kid says, “I hate my thighs”
How to talk about health without weight talk
What to do when your own inner critic shows up
How to interrupt diet culture at home
The first step to raising a body-confident kid—even if you didn’t grow up as one

�� Subscribe to The Modern Mommy Doc Podcast for more episodes on parenting with confidence and clarity. Leave a review using the hashtag #ModernMommyDoc.

FROM EYE ROLLS TO EMPATHY: LOVING THE TEEN YOU HAVE WITH ANN-LOUISE LOCKHART

Wed, 22 Oct 2025 14:15:04 GMT

About the Episode:

In this episode of the Modern Mommy Doc podcast, Dr. Whitney Casares sits down with pediatric psychologist, author, and parent coach Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart to talk about how to actually love the teen you have—not the one you imagined, hoped for, or thought you’d get. Together, they unpack how to stay connected to your teen through the chaos, what to do when your kid calls you “bruh,” and how to manage your own emotions when your child’s behavior pushes every button you have.

Dr. Lockhart shares stories from her own life, including her rocky teen years and her now-healed relationship with her mom, to remind parents that rebellion often hides pain—and that curiosity, compassion, and boundaries can coexist. She and Dr. Whitney also explore what individuation really means (and why it’s actually a good thing), how to support neurodivergent teens, and how parents can care for themselves so they can show up grounded, not reactive. She also talks about her new book, Love the Teen You Have .

Key Takeaways:

Love the teen in front of you. Don’t parent an imaginary kid. See your child as they are today, not as who you hoped they’d be.

Get curious before reacting. When your teen snaps or shuts down, ask “What’s really going on?” instead of taking it personally.

You and your teen are both doing your best. Give grace—to them and to yourself.

Connection trumps control. Your teen still needs your presence, even when they act like they don’t.

Regulation starts with you. A calm parent helps a dysregulated teen feel safe enough to open up.

Screen time isn’t all bad—but boundaries matter. Keep tech out of bedrooms and model intentional use.

It’s okay to grieve change. Losing your “little kid” is real—but what comes next can be even more meaningful.

About Our Guest:

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart is a psychologist, parent coach, and author of Love the Teen You Have (Releasing October 28, 2025). She’s the founder of A New Day Pediatric Psychology, where she supports families navigating the teen years with evidence-based strategies and deep compassion. A frequent media contributor and speaker, Dr. Lockhart helps parents understand the “why” behind their kids’ behaviors—and gives them the tools to respond with empathy and structure.

Connect with Dr. Lockhart:

Website: drannlouiselockhart.com

Instagram: @dr.annlouise.lockhart

Want to Start Raising Body-Confident Kids Today?

�� Pre-order the Book

Order your copy of My One-of-a-Kind Body before it launches on October 20, 2025.
�� www.raisingbodyconfidentkids.com/books

�� Claim Your Free Bonus

When you pre-order, you’ll also get access to a FREE video mini-course with five bite-sized lessons for parents. In just 25 minutes, you’ll walk away with:

Simple, script-style ways to respond when your kid says, “I hate my thighs”
How to talk about health without weight talk
What to do when your own inner critic shows up
How to interrupt diet culture at home
The first step to raising a body-confident kid—even if you didn’t grow up as one

�� Subscribe to The Modern Mommy Doc Podcast for more episodes on parenting with confidence and clarity. Leave a review using the hashtag #ModernMommyDoc.

LET'S TALK ABOUT POOP: A HOLISTIC GUIDE WITH DR. ANN MING YEH

Wed, 15 Oct 2025 13:30:38 GMT

About the Episode:

In this episode of the Modern Mommy Doc Podcast, Dr. Whitney reconnects with longtime friend and colleague Dr. Anne-Ming Yeh—Stanford-trained pediatric gastroenterologist, integrative medicine specialist, and author of Constipation Conquered: A Holistic Guide to Your Child’s Constipation.

Together, they tackle a surprisingly common (and often frustrating) parenting challenge: constipation in kids. Dr. Yeh shares why she wrote her new book, how she blends evidence-based medicine with integrative approaches, and what parents can realistically do to help their kids—from picky toddlers to neurodivergent kids with unique needs.

You’ll learn:

The truth about common constipation myths (spoiler: laxatives aren’t evil).

How to know whether your child’s constipation is mild, moderate, or severe—and when to seek specialist care.

Simple prevention tips: the right balance of fluid before fiber, why leafy greens act like a “broomstick for your gut,” and how bananas might be binding.

Why the gut-brain connection matters, and how small daily rituals (from tea time to affirmations to Snoop Dogg’s kids’ album!) can actually support digestion.

The difference between “mush” (softening stool) and “push” (helping the colon’s muscles coordinate), and why some kids may need specialized therapies like biofeedback.

Why integrative medicine is about both/and—using food as medicine when possible, and leaning on safe medications when necessary.

This conversation is practical, reassuring, and yes—sometimes even funny. It’s a reminder that while poop may not be a glamorous parenting topic, helping kids feel comfortable, confident, and healthy in their bodies is always worth it.

Key Takeaways:

Constipation is common—and fixable. Kids struggle with it more than we talk about, but with the right strategies, families can find real relief.

It’s not just about prune juice. Effective care often blends food as medicine (fiber, leafy greens, fluids) with safe, evidence-based medications when needed.

Mush vs. Push matters. Some kids need stool softeners (“mush”), while others need help coordinating their muscles to pass stool (“push”). Understanding the difference is key.

Myths aren’t helping. Laxatives aren’t “evil” or addictive; Miralax and magnesium can be safe tools when used under guidance.

The gut and brain are connected. Stress, anxiety, and routines affect digestion. Building in calming rituals—anything from tea time to affirmations to dancing—can support “rest and digest.”

Sustainable changes beat quick fixes. Small, realistic dietary and lifestyle adjustments over time help kids develop healthier long-term habits.

Parents don’t have to choose sides. Integrative medicine means combining the best of conventional care with holistic approaches to meet families where they are.

About Our Guest

Dr. Anne-Ming Yeh, MD, is a Stanford-trained pediatric gastroenterologist and integrative medicine specialist. With decades of experience in both academic medicine and holistic care, she’s passionate about helping families navigate one of the most common (and often overlooked) childhood health issues: constipation.

Her new book, Constipation Conquered: A Holistic Guide to Your Child’s Constipation , combines evidence-based medicine with practical, approachable strategies parents can use at home. From demystifying myths about laxatives to offering food-based solutions and lifestyle rituals, Dr. Yeh equips families with tools to help their kids feel comfortable, confident, and healthy.

Want to Start Raising Body-Confident Kids Today?

�� Pre-order the Book

Order your copy of My One-of-a-Kind Body before it launches on October 20, 2025.
�� www.raisingbodyconfidentkids.com/books

�� Claim Your Free Bonus

When you pre-order, you’ll also get access to a FREE video mini-course with five bite-sized lessons for parents. In just 25 minutes, you’ll walk away with:

Simple, script-style ways to respond when your kid says, “I hate my thighs”
How to talk about health without weight talk
What to do when your own inner critic shows up
How to interrupt diet culture at home
The first step to raising a body-confident kid—even if you didn’t grow up as one

�� Subscribe to The Modern Mommy Doc Podcast for more episodes on parenting with confidence and clarity. Leave a review using the hashtag #ModernMommyDoc.

THE TRUTH ABOUT FEAR, TRAUMA, AND HYPNOBIRTHING WITH FILMAKER LIAT RON

Wed, 08 Oct 2025 15:00:04 GMT

About the Episode:

In this episode of the Modern Mommy Doc Podcast, Dr. Whitney Casares sits down with Liat Ron, filmmaker and producer of the new documentary Fear and Now . The film shines a light on how fear and trauma often shape the birthing experience—and how tools like hypnobirthing can transform it into something calmer, safer, and even enjoyable.

Liat shares her own journey of discovery as she dove into the world of birth work, learning that women don’t have to choose between medicine and empowerment. Instead, it’s about reframing birth as an experience where parents can feel informed, supported, and free from unnecessary fear.

You’ll learn:

Why fear and trauma are so common in modern birth stories—and how they can be addressed.

What hypnobirthing actually is (and what it isn’t).

How parents can prepare for a more calm, confident, and fear-free birth.

Why this movement isn’t “anti-medicine”—but rather about combining safety with empowerment.

Liat’s behind-the-scenes experience making Fear and Now and what she hopes parents, providers, and birth workers take away from it.

This conversation is an invitation to imagine birth differently: with less fear, more connection, and the possibility of joy in one of life’s most powerful transitions.

Key Links:

Website: fearandnowmovie.com - Join the movement: take action, host a screening, learn about screenings in your area, and sign up for updates.

Instagram: @fearandnowmovie - Follow the movement, updates, and conversation.

Tickets: East Coast Premiere at the Chelsea Film Festival

About Our Guest:

Liat Ron is a filmmaker, performer, writer and a mother of two whose work explores empowerment, self-expression, and transformation. Fear and Now is her directorial debut. The first film to highlight the profound impact of HypnoBirthing on pregnancy, childbirth, and beyond.

As an actor, Liat has performed in numerous plays, musicals, and independent films. Among her NYC theater credits is GUTS, her critically acclaimed autobiographical solo show, which she wrote and executive produced. A professionally trained Middle Eastern dancer, she developed an innovative teaching method that empowers women of all ages and backgrounds, using movement as a gateway to confidence, strength, and self-liberation.

Liat is also a writer and co-founder of Techealthiest, a website she created with her husband, psychologist Dr. Greg Kushnick. The site provides real-world strategies for navigating health and well-being in an age dominated by technology.

Currently, Liat is in the early stages of development on her next documentary, Healthy is the New Sick, which takes a deep dive into our wellness culture and its effects on our health, body image, and sense of self.

Across all her creative and professional endeavors, Liat is committed to challenging cultural norms, sparking change, and breaking boundaries. Her work empowers individuals to reconnect with their true selves, reshaping narratives around wellness, identity, and empowerment, while encouraging deeper personal and societal transformation.

Want to Start Raising Body-Confident Kids Today?

�� Pre-order the Book

Order your copy of My One-of-a-Kind Body before it launches on October 20, 2025.
�� www.raisingbodyconfidentkids.com/books

�� Claim Your Free Bonus

When you pre-order, you’ll also get access to a FREE video mini-course with five bite-sized lessons for parents. In just 25 minutes, you’ll walk away with:

Simple, script-style ways to respond when your kid says, “I hate my thighs”
How to talk about health without weight talk
What to do when your own inner critic shows up
How to interrupt diet culture at home
The first step to raising a body-confident kid—even if you didn’t grow up as one

�� Subscribe to The Modern Mommy Doc Podcast for more episodes on parenting with confidence and clarity. Leave a review using the hashtag #ModernMommyDoc.

FROM CHAOS TO CALM: TIK TOK CREATOR MIYAEVA RENAE ON MOTHERHOOD, MENTAL HEALTH, AND FINDING YOUR OWN RHYTHM

Mon, 06 Oct 2025 19:57:58 GMT

About the Episode:

In this episode of the Modern Mommy Doc Podcast, Dr. Whitney sits down with Miyaeva Renae—full-time creator, business owner, and intentional mom—to talk about the real side of new motherhood.

Miyaeva opens up about the anxiety and overwhelm she faced after having her son, Stetson, and the rituals that helped her navigate postpartum life with more calm and self-compassion. From calling on her mom and her village for support to learning the importance of asking her fiancé for breaks, she shares how she learned to prioritize her own mental health while caring for her baby.

You’ll also hear:

How social media both fuels perfectionism and provides unexpected mom-to-mom support.

Why ASMR and organization videos became part of her “calm the chaos” toolkit.

Her honest take on breastfeeding, weaning, and the bittersweet milestones of a first year.

The behind-the-scenes of life as a creator—and why she’s shifting from picture-perfect posts to more authentic, supportive content for moms.

The story behind her new clothing line, Every September, created to fill the gap for boy moms who want neutral, stylish mommy-and-me outfits.

This conversation is equal parts refreshing and relatable—a reminder that no mom has it all together, and that sometimes the best gift we can give ourselves is permission to be real.

Key Takeaways:

Motherhood isn’t perfect—and that’s okay. Miyaeva shares how postpartum anxiety pushed her to let go of perfection and focus more on the present moment with her son.

Support systems matter. Leaning on her mom, best friend, and fiancé helped her find calm during stressful moments.

Self-care can be simple. From eye masks to slippers to a warm shower, Miyaeva shows that little rituals make a big difference in mental health.

Authenticity over perfection. Social media can amplify pressure, but it can also create powerful connections when moms are honest about the highs and lows.

New ventures come from lived experience. Her clothing line, Every September, was born from her own frustration as a boy mom looking for stylish, neutral mommy-and-me outfits.

About Our Guest

Miyaeva Renae is a full-time digital creator, entrepreneur, and mom to her one-year-old son, Stetson. Known for her organizing hacks, “day in the life” videos, and calming ASMR routines, she has built a supportive online community of moms who value honesty and relatability over perfection.

Beyond content creation, Miyaeva is the founder of Every September, a clothing brand designed to make mommy-and-me matching accessible and stylish—especially for boy moms. She’s passionate about helping moms feel seen, supported, and less alone in the messy, beautiful reality of parenthood.

✨ Follow Miyaeva:

TikTok & YouTube: @miyaevrenae
Instagram: @miyaeva
Clothing Line: everyseptember.co

Want to Start Raising Body-Confident Kids Today?

�� Pre-order the Book

Order your copy of My One-of-a-Kind Body before it launches on October 20, 2025.
�� www.raisingbodyconfidentkids.com/books

�� Claim Your Free Bonus

When you pre-order, you’ll also get access to a FREE video mini-course with five bite-sized lessons for parents. In just 25 minutes, you’ll walk away with:

Simple, script-style ways to respond when your kid says, “I hate my thighs”
How to talk about health without weight talk
What to do when your own inner critic shows up
How to interrupt diet culture at home
The first step to raising a body-confident kid—even if you didn’t grow up as one

�� Subscribe to The Modern Mommy Doc Podcast for more episodes on parenting with confidence and clarity. Leave a review using the hashtag #ModernMommyDoc.

TALKING TO YOUR KIDS ABOUT GLP-1 MEDICATIONS (WITHOUT FUELING DIET CULTURE)

Thu, 11 Sep 2025 13:30:07 GMT

About the Episode:

GLP-1 medications are everywhere—ads, social feeds, fridge drawers—and our kids notice. In this solo episode, Dr. Whitney lays out when to bring GLP-1s up (rarely), when to respond (when your child asks), and exactly how to keep the conversation grounded in health, not aesthetics. She covers common myths teens absorb online, what’s appropriate for kids (and what’s not), real risks and benefits, and simple scripts you can use to push back on diet-culture messaging—without shaming bodies of any size.

This Episode Covers:

Follow your child’s lead. If they’re not asking, don’t bring it up.

Never frame GLP-1s as a “look how skinny I’m getting” win. Keep the focus on health indications and medical oversight.

Acknowledge nuance. These meds can help some adults and carry risks; they are not quick fixes.

For kids/teens, GLP-1s are rarely appropriate. Lifestyle, mental health, and comprehensive care come first; pediatric use should involve specialists.

Name diet culture. Use ads and social content to discuss how “thinner = better” messaging shows up—and why that’s too simple.

If your teen is fixated or distressed, act. Loop in your pediatrician and a mental health professional early.

Want to Start Raising Body-Confident Kids Today?

�� Pre-order the Book

Order your copy of My One-of-a-Kind Body before it launches on October 20, 2025.
�� www.raisingbodyconfidentkids.com/books

�� Claim Your Free Bonus

When you pre-order, you’ll also get access to a FREE video mini-course with five bite-sized lessons for parents. In just 25 minutes, you’ll walk away with:

Simple, script-style ways to respond when your kid says, “I hate my thighs”
How to talk about health without weight talk
What to do when your own inner critic shows up
How to interrupt diet culture at home
The first step to raising a body-confident kid—even if you didn’t grow up as one

�� Subscribe to The Modern Mommy Doc Podcast for more episodes on parenting with confidence and clarity. Leave a review using the hashtag #ModernMommyDoc.

HOW TO KEEP DIET CULTURE OUT OF EXERCISE FOR OUR KIDS

Wed, 27 Aug 2025 21:35:32 GMT

About the Episode:

Many of us grew up learning that exercise was about punishment or performance: “No pain, no gain.” “Burn off that cookie.” But what happens when we want something better for our kids? In this episode, Dr. Whitney Casares unpacks her own complicated relationship with movement, how diet culture sneaks into exercise, and practical ways parents can help kids see movement as care, joy, and connection. Whether your child is a budding athlete, a reluctant mover, or somewhere in between, you’ll learn how to shift the conversation away from shame and toward lifelong well-being.

This Episode Covers:

Whitney’s personal s tory of running as a child and how it shaped her relationship with exercise.

How diet culture hijacks movement with sneaky, shame-filled messages.

Why movement should be framed as care—not punishment—for kids and parents alike.

The three anchors for teaching kids about movement:

Helping their bodies function well

Helping their bodies feel good—now and long-term

Helping them build connection with themselves and others

What to do if your child resists movement (and why lowering the pressure matters).

Insights from guests Robin Long (The Balanced Life) and Lauren Chaitoff (108 Awesome Yoga Poses for Kids) on reconnecting with our bodies and bringing mindfulness into everyday life.

Real-life examples of nontraditional ways to move—from K-pop dance to sword fights in the backyard.

How to let go of your own nostalgia and expectations so your kids can find their “thing.”

Want to Start Raising Body-Confident Kids Today?

�� Pre-order the Book

Order your copy of My One-of-a-Kind Body before it launches on October 20, 2025.
�� www.raisingbodyconfidentkids.com/books

�� Claim Your Free Bonus

When you pre-order, you’ll also get access to a FREE video mini-course with five bite-sized lessons for parents. In just 25 minutes, you’ll walk away with:

Simple, script-style ways to respond when your kid says, “I hate my thighs”
How to talk about health without weight talk
What to do when your own inner critic shows up
How to interrupt diet culture at home
The first step to raising a body-confident kid—even if you didn’t grow up as one

�� Subscribe to The Modern Mommy Doc Podcast for more episodes on parenting with confidence and clarity. Leave a review using the hashtag #ModernMommyDoc.

"I LOVE MY KIDS...BUT SOMETIMES I WISH I DIDN'T HAVE THEM" WITH KYLE KITTLESON

Wed, 27 Aug 2025 13:30:52 GMT

About the Episode:

Parenting regret is one of the last taboos in modern family life—yet hundreds of thousands of parents admit to feeling it. In this episode, Dr. Whitney sits down with MedCircle host Kyle Kittleson to unpack this hidden reality.

Together, they dive into:

The rise of online communities like Reddit where “regretful parents” find solidarity
Why parents can deeply love their children and still wish for their old lives back
How shame and silence around these feelings worsen parental burnout
Protective factors that reduce regret and help parents thrive—like realistic expectations, self-care, and “unicorn space”
The developmental stages where parents have the greatest influence, and how to focus on what really matters

Dr. Whitney and Kyle share raw stories, humor, and research—normalizing the full spectrum of parenthood: the joy, the grief, the love, and yes, even the regret.

Key Takeaways:

Regret and love can coexist. Parents can feel exhausted, overwhelmed, or wish for their old lives back while still deeply loving and showing up for their children.

Normalization reduces shame. Just like Brene Brown reminds us, talking openly about regret helps parents release shame and recognize they’re not alone.

Most regret is situational, not permanent. For many, regret is tied to stress, burnout, or unmet personal needs—not to a lack of love for their kids.

Protective factors matter. Realistic expectations of parenthood, social support, and having “unicorn space” (passions outside of parenting) lower the risk of ongoing regret.

Influence shifts over time. Parents play a huge role in the early years, but as kids grow, peer culture and outside influences increase, making presence and warmth more impactful than constant control.

Self-prioritization isn’t selfish. Taking even five minutes to recharge—writing, walking, or simply breathing—can dramatically reduce feelings of resentment or regret.

Parenting regret is rarely about hating kids. More often, it’s about grieving the loss of freedom, identity, or the life parents imagined before children.

Shame thrives in silence. Online communities and conversations like this show that many parents quietly feel the same way—speaking it out loud is often the first step to healing.

About Our Guest

Kyle Kittleson is a journalist, mental health advocate, and host at MedCircle, a platform dedicated to making reliable, evidence-based mental health education accessible to everyone. Known for his candid, engaging style, Kyle tackles taboo topics with honesty and humor—bringing difficult conversations like parenting regret, depression, and caregiver burnout into the open.

His work at MedCircle includes interviews with top doctors, psychologists, and thought leaders, offering practical insights for people navigating real-life challenges. Beyond the camera, Kyle has built a community that values transparency, empathy, and curiosity.

You can explore his work and join the MedCircle community at MedCircle.com , or reach him directly at kyle@medcircle.com .

Want to Start Raising Body-Confident Kids Today?

�� Pre-order the Book

Order your copy of My One-of-a-Kind Body before it launches on October 20, 2025.
�� www.raisingbodyconfidentkids.com/books

�� Claim Your Free Bonus

When you pre-order, you’ll also get access to a FREE video mini-course with five bite-sized lessons for parents. In just 25 minutes, you’ll walk away with:

Simple, script-style ways to respond when your kid says, “I hate my thighs”
How to talk about health without weight talk
What to do when your own inner critic shows up
How to interrupt diet culture at home
The first step to raising a body-confident kid—even if you didn’t grow up as one

�� Subscribe to The Modern Mommy Doc Podcast for more episodes on parenting with confidence and clarity. Leave a review using the hashtag #ModernMommyDoc.

AUTISM MISUNDERSTOOD: WHAT PARENTS AND EDUCATORS GET WRONG ABOUT KIDS WITH AUSTISM WITH KAELYNN PARTLOW

Thu, 21 Aug 2025 13:30:02 GMT

About the Episode:

In this episode, Dr. Whitney sits down with Kaelynn Partlow—autism advocate, therapist, speaker, and star of Love on the Spectrum—to talk about what parents, educators, and professionals often miss when it comes to understanding and supporting autistic kids.

Kaelynn’s videos have provided powerful insights into how autistic children think, feel, and communicate. Together, she and Dr. Whitney unpack some of the most pressing challenges families face, while offering concrete strategies to better support neurodivergent kids at home, in school, and beyond.

Key Takeaways:

Who Kaelynn Is and Why Her Perspective Matters

With over a decade of experience as a Registered Behavior Technician and as an autistic adult herself, Kaelynn brings a rare dual lens: professional expertise and lived experience. She shares how her journey as both a student and staff member at Project HOPE shaped her advocacy and her decision to speak, train, and create content that reaches parents, educators, and even corporations.

What Parents and Educators Get Wrong About Autism

Kaelynn explains the biggest misunderstanding about level 1 autism: that challenges are choices. Kids do well when they can—if they aren’t, it means something in their environment or support system isn’t working. She stresses the importance of shifting the lens from “giving us a hard time” to “having a hard time”

Why Role-Play and Real-Life Examples Matter

Her popular Instagram reels role-play everyday situations—like a child blurting out demands—and show how adults can respond in ways that build skills instead of shame. She also shares how she handles criticism from within and outside the autistic community, and why visibility for different autistic experiences matters

Masking, Sensory Needs, and Regulation

Kaelynn dives into what masking really looks like and why it’s not always bad but can be harmful when it’s constant. She explains why sensory regulation strategies must go beyond accommodations and should also equip kids with a wider toolkit of coping skills

Meltdowns vs. Tantrums

Using the metaphor of a sinking boat, Kaelynn illustrates what happens internally for autistic children during meltdowns—and why coping skills often aren’t accessible in the moment. She offers de-escalation tips that emphasize patience, presence, and reassurance

The Problem with Schools

From checkbox inclusion to underwhelming follow-through on 504 plans, Kaelynn and Whitney discuss what schools get wrong and why true inclusion requires more than a seat at the table. They also touch on how supports often fall away in middle and high school when kids arguably need them most

Advice for Parents at Different Stages

For parents new to an autism diagnosis: Don’t expect your child to “grow out of autism.” Instead, know they will grow into it, developing self-advocacy and communication skills with time and support.

For overwhelmed parents: Find your people—other families who “get it.” Building a supportive community makes all the difference.

For parents focused on “functioning”: Ask yourself what you really want for your child—communication? independence? connection?—and reframe goals through a strengths-based, neurodiversity-affirming lens .

The One Soapbox Message for Adults

Stop asking so many questions. For many autistic kids, questions feel like pressure. Instead, use declarative language—statements that invite connection without demanding a response. This simple shift can transform how kids engage

About Our Guest

Kaelynn Partlow is an autistic self-advocate, therapist, author, and public speaker whose work has inspired millions of parents, educators, and professionals around the world. Featured on Netflix’s Love on the Spectrum U.S., Kaelynn brings a unique dual perspective: she has over a decade of professional experience as a Registered Behavior Technician while also navigating life as an autistic adult.

Her career began at Project HOPE Foundation, where she worked in both classroom and therapeutic settings, supporting children and families impacted by autism. Since then, Kaelynn has expanded her reach through speaking engagements, corporate trainings, and social media—where her relatable, role-play style videos help adults better understand the autistic experience.

She is the author of Life on the Bridge: Linking My World to Yours as an Autistic Therapist , a book that blends her personal story with practical guidance for anyone seeking to connect more deeply with neurodivergent individuals.

Want to Start Raising Body-Confident Kids Today?

�� Pre-order the Book

Order your copy of My One-of-a-Kind Body before it launches on October 20, 2025.
�� www.raisingbodyconfidentkids.com/books

�� Claim Your Free Bonus

When you pre-order, you’ll also get access to a FREE video mini-course with five bite-sized lessons for parents. In just 25 minutes, you’ll walk away with:

Simple, script-style ways to respond when your kid says, “I hate my thighs”
How to talk about health without weight talk
What to do when your own inner critic shows up
How to interrupt diet culture at home
The first step to raising a body-confident kid—even if you didn’t grow up as one

�� Subscribe to The Modern Mommy Doc Podcast for more episodes on parenting with confidence and clarity. Leave a review using the hashtag #ModernMommyDoc.

YOUR KID'S BODY CONFIDENCE STARTS WITH YOU

Wed, 06 Aug 2025 15:46:11 GMT

About the Episode:

In today’s solo episode, Dr. Whitney shares a heartfelt preview of her upcoming book for kids ages 7–12, My One-of-a-Kind Body: The Ultimate Guide to Caring for Me (coming October 20, 2025). Whitney reads the letter to parents included in the book, a powerful invitation for caregivers to reimagine how we talk to our kids—and ourselves—about bodies, health, and self-worth.

As a pediatrician and mom of two, Whitney knows firsthand how challenging it is to navigate body image, diet culture, and social media messaging—especially when we’re still unpacking our own conditioning. This episode unpacks the foundational ideas behind My One-of-a-Kind Body, blending personal insight with expert perspective.

Key Takeaways:

If you’ve ever looked in the mirror and felt a pang of guilt…

If you’ve ever overheard your child say something unkind about their body—and didn’t know what to say…

If you’ve ever wished you had the tools to protect your kid from the pressures, shame, and confusion that so many of us grew up with…

Then I made this book—and this podcast episode—for you.

This week on the Modern Mommy Doc podcast, I’m offering something a little different: a heartfelt preview of my brand-new book for kids, My One-of-a-Kind Body: The Ultimate Guide to Caring for Me (coming October 20, 2025). It’s a body literacy guide for kids ages 7–12, packed with science, inclusive illustrations, and confidence-building tools. But it’s also for you—the parent, the caregiver, the adult who wants to raise kids who feel at home in their bodies.

In the episode, I read the "Message to Parents" that opens the book—a vulnerable, compassionate invitation to rethink how we teach kids about health, self-worth, and body acceptance in a world that sends so many mixed messages.

Why This Book, and Why Now?

We are living in a culture that praises thinness, filters flaws, and markets "fixes" to our kids before they even know what a flaw is.

Our children are being bombarded with body image messages earlier and more intensely than ever before—through TikTok, YouTube ads, overheard comments at school, and even in well-meaning conversations at home.

Here’s the reality:

Kids as young as 3 years old express body dissatisfaction.
Almost half of children and teens struggle with body image issues (according to the NIH).
And 76% of parents in one study said they’d criticized their own bodies in front of their children.

And the kicker? Many of us were raised in a generation where “wellness” was synonymous with calorie counting, juice cleanses, low-fat everything, and a whole lot of self-denial. We’re trying to unlearn all of that in real time—while trying to protect our kids from the very same messages.

If that feels overwhelming, you’re not alone. I’m a pediatrician and a mom of two, and I’ve struggled with it, too. That’s exactly why I wrote this book. It’s time for something new.

What You’ll Hear in the Episode

In the episode, I walk you through:

What makes My One-of-a-Kind Body different from other books about health or body positivity
The three key pillars kids need to build true body confidence
How we can model body respect—even when we’re still working on our own self-image
Why the concept of BMI needs a major reframe in how we talk about health
Why health doesn’t mean “perfect,” and confidence doesn’t mean “always loving how you look”

This isn’t about pretending body image struggles don’t exist.
It’s about giving our kids—and ourselves—tools to navigate those struggles with clarity and compassion.

What’s Inside My One-of-a-Kind Body

This book gives kids language and tools to:

Understand how their bodies work (and why that’s cool!)
Make healthy choices from a place of self-respect, not shame
Recognize harmful body messaging—and call it out
Care for their physical and mental well-being in sustainable, developmentally appropriate ways

They’ll meet characters who reflect a range of experiences—neurodivergent kids, kids of different races, kids with disabilities, kids in all types of family structures and body sizes. Every activity, illustration, and explanation is grounded in evidence-based guidance and written in a way kids can truly understand.

It also features built-in journaling pages, conversation prompts, and bonus content for caregivers so parents and kids can walk this journey together.

Want to Start Raising Body-Confident Kids Today?

�� Step 1: Listen to the Episode

Hear the full message to parents, why this work matters, and how you can begin today—no perfection required.
�� Listen at the link above

�� Step 2: Pre-order the Book

Order your copy of My One-of-a-Kind Body before it launches on October 20, 2025.
�� www.raisingbodyconfidentkids.com/books

�� Step 3: Claim Your Free Bonus

When you pre-order, you’ll also get access to a FREE video mini-course with five bite-sized lessons for parents. In just 25 minutes, you’ll walk away with:

Simple, script-style ways to respond when your kid says, “I hate my thighs”
How to talk about health without weight talk
What to do when your own inner critic shows up
How to interrupt diet culture at home
The first step to raising a body-confident kid—even if you didn’t grow up as one

�� Subscribe to The Modern Mommy Doc Podcast for more episodes on parenting with confidence and clarity. Leave a review using the hashtag #ModernMommyDoc.

FINALLY, A SMART KITCHEN APPLIANCE THAT FINALLY MAKES LIFE EASIER FOR PARENTS

Tue, 05 Aug 2025 14:30:02 GMT

Between school drop-offs, back-to-back meetings, pediatric appointments, and trying to remember where your toddler hid the remote, figuring out dinner can feel like the final straw. In Doing it All , I talk a lot about how systems—not willpower—help us thrive. And when it comes to getting food on the table with less stress, fewer meltdowns, and more time for connection, systems are everything.

That’s why Suvie caught my attention.

This isn’t another gadget you’ll shove in the back of a cabinet after three uses. It’s a full-on dinner solution: a smart kitchen robot that refrigerates your food, then cooks it at the exact time you need it, even if you’re nowhere near your kitchen.

Let’s break down how it works and why it’s such a game changer for busy families.

What Suvie Actually Does

Suvie is a multi-zone, Wi-Fi-enabled countertop appliance that does more than just cook. It’s designed to take the guesswork (and time pressure) out of dinner. Here’s how:
Load it in the morning with fresh or frozen food.
Suvie keeps everything cold until it’s time to cook.
At your scheduled time, it automatically switches to the cooking phase.
By dinner, everything’s perfectly done with no last-minute scrambling.
There’s also an app, so you can adjust the schedule or monitor progress remotely.

And because it has multiple compartments for proteins, veggies, and starches, you can cook an entire meal at once. Each component cooked how it’s meant to be. Salmon won’t dry out. Broccoli won’t get soggy. And if you want crispy potatoes or a golden finish, just hit “broil.”

How Suvie Supports Real-Life Parents

In my clinical work and personal life, I’ve seen what happens when systems fall apart. We end up skipping meals, eating random snacks for dinner, or feeling overwhelmed by another task at the end of the day. Suvie doesn’t just make dinner, it builds margin. That sacred space in your day where you can take a breath and focus on what actually matters.

Here’s how it aligns with the systems I recommend to families:

1. It takes dinner off your mental load.

You prep in the morning (or even the night before), load Suvie, and then it’s off your plate. You don’t have to remember to preheat anything, flip anything, or start a timer.

2. It works around your schedule.

Late work meeting? Soccer practice ran long? No problem. Adjust cooking time from your phone and still walk into a hot meal.

3. It supports real food.

You can use their meal kits or cook your own food. Either way, it encourages whole ingredients with less time in the kitchen.

4. It’s not just for parents who love to cook.

Whether you’re into DIY meal prep or need serious hand-holding, Suvie adapts to your comfort level. You can load in raw chicken and sweet potatoes, or scan a pre-loaded meal code and be done in seconds.

Why Pediatricians (Like Me) Are Into It

I’ll be honest: I don’t get excited about every kitchen gadget. But Suvie stands out because it’s actually useful. It meets families where they are and solves for something we all deal with: getting nutritious meals on the table, consistently, without it being a whole thing.

Plus, with Suvie:

You can make allergy-friendly meals without cross-contamination.
Kids can get involved in loading or picking the meal.
It encourages balanced nutrition—veggies, protein, starch—in a way that’s fast and low-stress.
And it supports routines. Which we all know is key for kids (and adults).

Smart Design Details Worth Knowing

Let’s talk specs for a second—because Suvie’s design is no joke.

Air-cushion back panel: Okay, not literally a backpack (ha!), but the back panel molds to your schedule like one molds to your body. The appliance refrigerates your food, then switches to cook mode—automatically.
Multi-zone cooking: Cooks multiple elements of a meal—like chicken and veggies—at the same time, with optimal settings for each.
15+ cooking modes: Roast, slow cook, steam, sous vide, proof bread, and more. (Yes, even air fry!)
App integration: Schedule meals or adjust cook times from anywhere.
Refrigeration: Keeps ingredients cool until it’s time to cook with no spoilage or food safety stress.
And if you use the Starch Cooker add-on, you can make pasta, rice, and grains that are perfectly timed to finish with the rest of the meal.

The Bigger Picture: It’s Not Just About Dinner

I always say: how your body feels during the day matters. Same for how your brain feels at the end of the day. If dinner feels like the 18th impossible thing on your list, then a tool like Suvie isn’t just helpful, it’s sanity-saving.

Because the truth is, most of us aren’t looking for perfect meals or elaborate recipes. We’re just trying to:

Feed our families well.

Reduce decision fatigue.

Stop rushing through the parts of the day that should feel connecting.

And preserve a little space to sit down, breathe, and enjoy our people.

Suvie makes that possible in a way I haven’t seen other appliances do. It’s not “set it and forget it” slow-cooker meals that turn to mush. It’s not pressure cooking that requires you to be hands-on. It’s actually tailored to a modern parent’s lifestyle.

Final Thoughts

We all need help sometimes. Whether it’s with childcare, carpools, or yes, dinner. Suvie is a reminder that support can come in many forms. And when it comes to reducing stress and reclaiming your evenings, having dinner handled? That’s a big win.

If you’re looking to streamline weeknights, reduce your mental load, and build more systems into your parenting life, this might be one worth checking out.

�� Learn more at www.suvie.com

#ad #suviepartner

REAL-TALK ABOUT KIDS' SLEEP (AND WHY ONE-SIZE-FITS-ALL ADVICE DOESN'T WORK)

Tue, 29 Jul 2025 13:30:21 GMT

About the Episode:

In this eye-opening episode of the Modern Mommy Doc podcast, Dr. Whitney Casares sits down with child sleep experts Dr. Andrea Roth and Dr. Allison Shale—two clinical psychologists and co-authors of The Essential Guide to Children’s Sleep: A Tired Caregiver’s Workbook for Every Age and Stage (written with Dr. Shelby Harris) . Together, they break down the myths, shame, and unrealistic expectations that surround slee p training and offer compassionate, evidence-based advice that actually meets parents where they are.

This episode is your permission slip to stop blaming yourself, throw out the cookie-cutter advice, and start working with your child’s unique temperament, challenges, and developmental stage—whether that means defiant toddlers, anxious middle-schoolers, or non-sleeping newborns.

About Our Guests:

Dr. Andrea Roth and Dr. Allison Shale are licensed clinical psychologists and moms who specialize in child and adolescent mental health. Together with co-author Dr. Shelby Harris, they created The Essential Guide to Children’s Sleep to give exhausted parents the tools to support their kids’ sleep with confidence, flexibility, and empathy. Their approach is grounded in science—and shaped by real-life parenting.

Follow them on Instagram: @essentialkidssleep

Key Takeaways:

Why this sleep book is different

It’s written by clinical psychologists, not influencers—and it combines science, flexibility, and real-world parenting experience.

How your child’s daytime behavior impacts nighttime sleep

From anxious kids to defiant or ADHD children, the team explains why your child’s personality and emotional regulation during the day matters more than you think at bedtime.

The truth about sleep “milestones”

You’ll learn why your two-week-old shouldn’t be sleeping through the night, why “wake windows” are often misused, and why transitioning to a toddler bed before age 3 might be setting everyone up to fail.

The importance of timing and readiness

Parents don’t have to sleep train when they’re already overwhelmed. These experts offer a refreshing take on how to assess if now is the right time—and how to set up for success.

What works for toddlers (and what doesn’t)

You’ll hear how techniques like the “break method” and “camping out” can be adapted based on your child’s age and developmental stage.

How to support anxious or defiant older kids at bedtime

The language we use matters. For anxious kids, it's all about reducing pressure and focusing on rest. For defiant or ADHD kids, clear expectations and behavior-based plans are key.

The shame-free approach every tired caregiver needs

Sleep doesn’t have to be a battleground—or a place for guilt. These authors bring compassion and practicality to every step of the process.

�� Subscribe to The Modern Mommy Doc Podcast for more episodes on parenting with confidence and clarity. L eave a review using the hashtag #ModernMommyDoc.

ESCAPING YOUR NEAR-LIFE EXPERIENCE WITH KAREN SALMANSOHN

Tue, 22 Jul 2025 13:30:00 GMT

About the Episode:

Are you living your actual life or just scrolling, swiping, and going through the motions? In this eye-opening episode, Dr. Whitney Casares sits down with bestselling author and behavior change expert Karen Salmansohn to talk about how embracing the reality of death can lead to a more vibrant, meaningful life.

Karen’s latest book, Your to-die-For Life: How to Maximize Joy and Minimize Regret Before Your Time Runs Out , invites readers to stop drifting through their days and start aligning their actions with their deepest values—before it’s too late. Together, Whitney and Karen explore what it looks like to escape the “near-life” trap and start showing up with intention, especially in motherhood.

From writing your own eulogy (yep!) to creating a monthly marble jar ritual, this conversation will give you practical tools to live more fully, connect more deeply, and redefine what it means to “do it all.”

About Our Guest:

Karen Salmansohn is a bestselling author, speaker, and expert in behavioral change. Known for her accessible and visually rich self-help books, Karen has sold over 2 million copies of her books globally and is the founder of the NotSalmon.com platform. Her newest book, Your to-die-for Life: How to Maximize Joy and Minimize Regret Before Your Time Runs Out , merges ancient wisdom with modern psychology to help readers wake up to their one precious life—and live it well.

A former creative director in advertising, Karen brings wit, warmth, and wisdom to everything she does. She's also a mom, a lifelong learner (hello, Aristotle tattoos!), and a firm believer that you don’t need to hit rock bottom to start living with intention.

�� Explore her work at: yourtodieforlife.com and notsalmon.com

�� Follow her @notsalmon on Instagram, Facebook, and Substack

Key Takeaways:

The concept of a “near-life experience”

Karen coined the term to describe the feeling of being adjacent to your life—physically present but mentally and emotionally elsewhere. She explains how this shows up in modern parenting, relationships, and daily routines—and why it’s so easy to miss out on what matters most.

Why contemplating your death can be a gift

It’s not morbid—it’s motivating. Karen shares how her father’s passing inspired her to live more intentionally and how death awareness can actually help us make decisions that reduce regret and increase joy.

How writing your eulogy now can transform your life

This isn’t about morbidity—it’s about clarity. Karen walks us through how imagining what you want people to say about you at the end of your life can help reverse-engineer the habits and mindset you need to adopt today.

The difference between a to-do list and a to-die list

Spoiler alert: your to-die list won’t include “clean out the junk drawer.” Instead, it’s about designing habits that align with your aspirational eulogy self—the version of you that lives fully, loves deeply, and leads with purpose.

The power of identity-based habits

Karen explains how shifting how we see ourselves (e.g., “I am a connected mom,” “I am a loving friend”) can naturally shift our behavior. This approach helps moms move from reactive to responsive parenting—even during chaotic days.

A simple but powerful marble jar ritual

One of Karen’s most talked-about tools, this visual practice helps you track time month by month to stay focused on what really matters—and avoid letting your days slip by on autopilot.

How to raise kids with core values that matter

Karen shares seven values she developed to help people avoid the top regrets of the dying—and how we can model and instill them in our children through everyday conversations and small intentional acts.

�� Subscribe to The Modern Mommy Doc Podcast for more episodes on parenting with confidence and clarity. L eave a review using the hashtag #ModernMommyDoc.

THE PEDIATRICIAN-APPROVED BACKPACK EVERY PARENT SHOULD KNOW ABOUT

Wed, 16 Jul 2025 13:00:22 GMT

When you’re deep in the chaos of back-to-school season—labeling folders, resetting bedtimes, praying that last year’s lunchbox doesn’t smell like mold—you’re probably not thinking much about backpacks. But here’s the thing: you should be.

Backpacks aren’t just a style choice or a place to stash snack wrappers. They’re something your kid uses every single day. And if they’re poorly designed or don’t fit well, they can seriously mess with your child’s body, especially their posture, alignment, and comfort.

I found that out the hard way with my own daughter last fall. One day after school, she came home and casually mentioned her shoulders were always sore. I realized she’d been hauling around what amounted to a small boulder in a backpack that hit mid-thigh. I’m a pediatrician. I should have noticed sooner. But like so many parents, I was focused on what was in the backpack, not how it was affecting her body. Cue the mom's guilt and a search for a better option.

That’s when I came across the Beckmann Active Air FLX Backpack . It’s not just cute (though yes, my daughter is obsessed with the Unicorn Princess design). It’s actually designed to support growing bodies.

Let’s break down why that matters.

Why Backpacks Aren’t Just Backpacks

Think about it: we wouldn’t send our kids to school with shoes that were too small or pants that cut off their circulation. But every fall, plenty of kids end up carrying 10 to 15 pounds of books, tech, and gear in a backpack that doesn’t fit their body, doesn’t distribute weight properly, and isn’t doing them any favors physically.

Here’s what can happen with an ill-fitting or overloaded backpack:

Shoulder and neck pain
Compressed posture
Muscle fatigue and tension
Spinal strain
Numbness or tingling in the arms or hands
Compensation patterns that affect how kids move—or even how they breathe

And no, it’s not just kids “being dramatic.” These are legit physical symptoms we see in real-life practice (and they’re often totally preventable with the right gear).

What to Look for in Any Backpack

Here’s what pediatricians (and parents) should prioritize when choosing a backpack:

✔️ Wide, padded shoulder straps – To distribute weight and prevent digging
✔️ Adjustable everything – So it fits your child’s body properly
✔️ Chest + hip straps – To improve posture and take pressure off the spine
✔️ Supportive back panel – Breathable and cushioned
✔️ Multiple compartments – To spread the load evenly
✔️ Compact shape – It shouldn’t hang more than a few inches below your child’s waist
✔️ Lightweight when empty – If it starts heavy, it only gets worse
✔️ Durable materials – So it actually lasts through a school year (or more)

Let your child try it on before committing, walk around in it, and practice packing it together. Teach them how to wear both straps (I know, the one-shoulder thing looks cool, but it’s an orthopedist’s nightmare in the making).

Why I Recommend the Beckmann Active Air FLX

The Beckmann Active Air FLX is one of the only backpacks I’ve found that actually checks all the boxes: comfort, structure, functionality, and sustainability.

Here’s what sets it apart:

Dynamic air-cushion support system: The back panel moves with your child’s body to reduce strain and improve posture. It molds to their shape and absorbs pressure in a way that feels almost like it’s custom-fitted.
Chest and hip straps: These help redistribute weight away from the shoulders so kids aren’t hunched forward by 10 a.m.
Expandable design: It grows with your child so you’re not buying a new one every year.
Laptop sleeve + waterproof compartment: Because real life includes soggy lunchboxes and tech that needs protecting.
Made from recycled materials: 100% of it. If you're trying to make more sustainable choices, this is a win.
Kid-approved designs: They have options that are playful without being flimsy. Your kid gets something they love and you get peace of mind.

Why This Isn’t Just Another Parenting Task

Look, I know what your to-do list looks like right now. I’m a mom, too. You’re making dentist appointments, setting up teacher meetings, trying to figure out what counts as a "nut-free" lunch snack. You don’t need another thing to manage.

But this one? It’s worth a little extra thought.

The right backpack can help your child feel more comfortable during the day, carry what they need with confidence, and avoid issues that crop up when we ignore the basics of body mechanics.

When we talk about setting our kids up for success, we usually focus on school supplies and routines. But how their body feels during the day matters just as much—maybe more. Because when your kid feels good physically, it’s easier for them to focus, stay active, and actually enjoy learning.

And if we can reduce back pain and early posture issues now , we’re setting them up for healthier habits long-term

Bottom line?

Backpacks aren’t just another school item. They’re a tool—and the right one can make a big difference in your kid’s day (and their body). That’s why the Beckmann Active Air FLX is on my short list of must-haves for the school year.

✨ You can check out the Beckmann Active Air FLX here

✨ And watch my Instagram Reel about it here

#ad #beckmann #beckmannpartner

WHEN DID I STOP TRUSTING MYSELF? HOW TO START LISTENING TO YOURSELF AGAIN

Thu, 12 Jun 2025 13:30:02 GMT

About the Episode:

In this solo episode, Dr. Whitney tackles something moms everywhere are feeling but don’t always talk about: the way we’ve lost the ability to listen to ourselves in motherhood. From the moment we’re pregnant, the world floods us with advice, rules, and opinions—and over time, our own instincts get pushed aside. Whether you’re obsessively Googling your next parenting move or just feeling disconnected from what actually feels right for your family, this episode is here to help you press pause, reflect, and reconnect. Dr. Whitney shares personal stories and practical strategies for getting quiet enough to hear your inner voice again—and why that voice is the one that matters most.

Key Takeaways:

1. We’ve been conditioned to doubt ourselves (especially as moms).

The sheer volume of parenting opinions out there can make it feel like you need permission for every decision. But you don’t. You’re the one who knows your child best. Somewhere along the way, we stopped trusting ourselves. It’s time to shift that.

2. Losing our gut connection impacts our daily decision-making and our joy.

When you’re stuck in second-guessing, even simple things feel heavy. You wonder if you’re doing it right all the time. And eventually, you stop enjoying the parts of motherhood that used to feel good.

3. Your gut isn’t gone, it’s just buried.

That internal knowing is still there. It’s just been drowned out by noise, pressure, and fear. You can reconnect with it—but first, you have to get quiet and still enough to hear it again.

4. The voice of fear is different from the voice of wisdom.

Fear is loud, fast, and panicky. Intuition is calm and quiet. Once you learn to tell the difference, parenting decisions get clearer—even if they’re still hard.

5. Reclaiming your gut changes how you show up (for your kids and yourself).

When you lead from a place of self-trust, you show up more grounded. You stop chasing every piece of advice and start making choices that actually align with your values—and your child’s needs.

6. Reconnecting with your intuition takes practice.

It doesn’t happen overnight. But every time you pause instead of panic, or choose alignment over approval, you’re building that muscle. A little bit each day makes a huge difference.

7. Trusting your gut doesn’t mean doing it all alone.

You can still learn, grow, and get support. The difference is that support becomes something that supports your voice—not replaces it. You’re not looking for someone to tell you what to do—you’re looking for clarity in what you already know.

�� Subscribe to The Modern Mommy Doc Podcast for more episodes on parenting with confidence and clarity. L eave a review using the hashtag #ModernMommyDoc.

WHY CAN'T WE BE NORMAL? SHAME AND VULNERABILITY IN MOTHERHOOD

Thu, 05 Jun 2025 13:30:05 GMT

About the Episode:

In this solo episode, Dr. Whitney gets honest about the shame spiral many moms experience when they don’t meet impossible standards of modern motherhood. Drawing from research, real-life parenting moments, and insights from Brené Brown, she explores how striving to be “normal” (a calm, ever-patient, perfectly balanced parent) can backfire—making us feel isolated, anxious, and disconnected.

Dr. Whitney shares two vulnerable moments from her own week—one involving a sixth-grade panic spiral over climate change, the other a school incident involving her younger daughter—and how her own inner critic instantly blamed her parenting. Sound familiar?

Using these moments, she breaks down what shame sounds like, why it thrives in silence, and how moms can respond with self-compassion, connection, and courage. You’ll leave this episode feeling seen, understood, and equipped with tools to release the pressure of perfection and embrace the power of being real.

Key Takeaways:

1. The “normal mom” ideal is fiction—and striving for it is making us sick.

Society often defines “normal” in motherhood as always calm, grateful, patient, and organized. But that standard is fake—and harmful.

2. Shame thrives on silence, comparison, and the myth that everyone else has it together.

According to Brené Brown, shame is the feeling that we’re flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. In motherhood, it sounds like:

“Good moms don’t yell.”

“I should be enjoying this more.”

“My child’s meltdown means I’m failing.”

3. Vulnerability isn’t weakness—it’s the way out of the shame spiral. Letting ourselves say, “This is hard” or “I want to run away sometimes” actually builds trust and connection—not just with other moms, but with ourselves.

4. Real motherhood is messy—and that doesn’t mean you're failing. Dr. Whitney shares two personal stories that show how easy it is to fall into shame, but how powerful it can be to step back and reframe. When her daughters had a tough week—complete with panic, acting out, and school discipline—her first thought was “What did I do wrong?” But giving herself permission to see her kids’ struggles as their struggles (not a reflection of her worth) was a turning point.

5. You don’t need a perfect village—you need one or two real people. Even if you don’t have a big support network, one or two honest, nonjudgmental people can make a huge difference.

5 Research-Backed Ways to Challenge Shame and Redefine “Normal”

1. Name it: Research shows that labeling an emotion helps reduce its intensity. Try: “This is shame. I feel like I’m not enough because I yelled today.” Then take a deep breath.

2. Practice self-compassion: Dr. Kristin Neff’s research shows that self-compassion increases motivation, improves emotional resilience, and lowers depression in mothers. Speak to yourself like you would a friend: “You’re tired. You’re human. You’re doing your best.”

3. Connect—even imperfectly: You don’t need a whole village. You need one or two people you can be real with. Even a text exchange that says “I’m not okay today” is enough to start.

4. Curate your input: Unfollow any account that makes you feel like you’re failing. Fill your feed with people who are honest about motherhood’s ups and downs.

5. Redefine “normal” for your family: Maybe your normal includes therapy appointments, frozen meals, screen time, or skipping birthday parties. That’s not failure—that’s alignment with your family’s actual needs. Your normal should serve you, not shame you.

�� Subscribe to The Modern Mommy Doc Podcast for more episodes on parenting with confidence and clarity. L eave a review using the hashtag #ModernMommyDoc.

THE HIDDEN GRIEF OF WORKING MOTHERHOOD

Thu, 29 May 2025 18:54:58 GMT

About the Episode:

We’re not supposed to say it out loud, but here it is: working moms grieve too. We grieve missed milestones, canceled bedtimes, and the tiny, invisible moments no one else sees. In this episode, Dr. Whitney opens up about the emotional weight of “having it all” and the myth that we can be everywhere at once. She shares how to name the grief, process it with mindful self-compassion, and redefine what it means to show up for your kids (and yourself). If you’ve ever felt torn between ambition and motherhood, this one's for you.

Key Takeaways:

1. Micro-grief in motherhood is real, and it matters.

This isn’t the grief of catastrophic loss, but the accumulation of small, meaningful disappointments: missing the school recital, not being there for bedtime, watching someone else witness your child’s firsts. These moments don’t always feel big enough to name as grief, but over time they build up. Acknowledging that these small losses matter is the first step in caring for ourselves emotionally.

2. You can fully believe in working motherhood and still feel sad when you’re not with your kids.

There’s a false binary that says if you champion career advancement and gender equality, you shouldn’t feel conflicted. But the truth is, you can be grateful for the path you’re on and feel deep sadness about what it costs sometimes. One does not invalidate the other. Holding space for both emotions is part of the complexity of modern motherhood.

3. The myth of “having it all” is toxic and unattainable.

Culturally, we’ve been sold an idea that a successful woman should be everything at once: a present and nurturing parent, a driven professional, a glowing partner, a tireless community member. That’s not realistic. And trying to meet those expectations often leaves us feeling like we’re failing everywhere. The more we name that myth, the more power we have to dismantle it.

4. Mindful self-compassion is an essential tool for working moms.

Dr. Whitney shares how the evidence-based practice of mindful self-compassion, developed by psychologist Kristin Neff, can help moms process difficult emotions like guilt, sadness, and frustration. It’s about treating yourself with the same kindness you would offer a friend and learning to sit with uncomfortable feelings rather than push them aside.

Get the books she mentions:

Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself by Kristin Neff

Fierce Self-Compassion: How Women Can Harness Kindness to Speak Up, Claim Their Power, and Thrive

5. Being a “good enough” mom doesn’t mean being at everything—it means showing up with presence and intention.

Dr. Whitney encourages listeners to rethink what it means to be present. It’s not about attending every moment. It’s about being fully with your child when you’re there. When we define motherhood not by quantity of time but by quality of connection, we give ourselves permission to be fully human—and to be enough just as we are.

�� Subscribe to The Modern Mommy Doc Podcast for more episodes on parenting with confidence and clarity. L eave a review using the hashtag #ModernMommyDoc.

OUTSOURCING ISN'T LAZY—IT'S LEADERSHIP

Thu, 22 May 2025 13:30:01 GMT

About the Episode:

Ever feel like you’re drowning in laundry, mental load, and school forms—and somehow still supposed to be creating magical family memories and raising emotionally healthy, body-confident kids?

In this episode, Dr. Whitney sits down with Christine Landis, founder of Peacock Parent and the concierge delegation service Proxy, to talk about exactly how parents can offload the stuff that’s draining them—and do it proudly. Christine isn’t just preaching about letting go of perfection—she’s built an entire platform that helps families figure out what to delegate, how to find trustworthy help, and why it’s not selfish to want more time for joy.

They dive deep into the messy emotions behind outsourcing—from privilege and guilt to fear of judgment—and get super honest about how buying back your time isn’t about being bougie, it’s about being strategic. (And yes, you’re still a good mom if you don’t scrub your own toilet.)

Key Takeaways:

�� Outsourcing Isn’t Lazy—It’s Leadership

Christine reframes outsourcing as running your home like a business. Delegation isn’t failure—it’s smart CEO-level decision-making. (And your kids benefit when you’re less burnt out and more present.)

�� Time Is a Currency—Spend It Wisely

Whether it’s paying for a meal service or handing grocery shopping off to Instacart, what you don’t spend time on matters just as much as what you do. And sometimes the ROI of peace, presence, and advocacy for your kid is worth every penny.

�� Privilege, Shame, and the Elephant in the Room

We get real about how money, class, and cultural expectations play into the conversation around “doing it all.” Christine and Whitney talk openly about acknowledging privilege, while also challenging the guilt that keeps so many parents stuck in the hustle.

�� She Outsources Bath Time (and You Can, Too)

One of the most powerful moments? Christine shares that she delegates bath time to her nanny so she and her husband can sit down and talk. It’s not about what you “should” do—it’s about what makes your family actually thrive.

�� Delegating Creates Mental Space for What Really Matters

For neurodivergent families or parents juggling intense emotional labor, outsourcing can be the difference between crisis-mode and proactive, connected parenting. Dr. Whitney shares how it helps her show up for her child—and herself.

�� Why Most Delegation Advice Falls Flat

Tired of vague advice to “build your village” without any actual resources? Proxy delivers vetted, real-world support services based on your location and budget—so you’re not just inspired, you’re equipped.

�� Data > Drama in Partner Conversations

Christine gives tips on how to talk to your partner about delegating using actual numbers (and less resentment). It's not about blaming—it's about making smart, joint decisions that support the whole family.

About Our Guest:

Christine Landis is a mom, former CEO, and the founder of Peacock Parent , a platform dedicated to helping families buy back time without shame. Through her concierge delegation service, Proxy , she connects parents to trusted, vetted, time-saving services that fit their needs and budget.

Christine is on a mission to normalize outsourcing at home—not as a luxury, but as a strategy for protecting your peace and reclaiming your joy. Her tools, guides, and community help parents move from overloaded to empowered—one bath time or meal plan at a time.

�� Learn more + take the free quiz: www.peacockparent.com

�� Follow on Instagram: @peacockparent

�� Download the free resource: 99 Tasks You Can Delegate Today

�� Subscribe to The Modern Mommy Doc Podcast for more episodes on parenting with confidence and clarity. L eave a review using the hashtag #ModernMommyDoc.

YOUR TEEN'S BRAIN ISN'T BROKEN (BUT THEIR SCREEN HABITS MIGHT BE): WHAT EVERY PARENT NEEDS TO KNOW ABOUT TEENS, TECH, AND BRAIN DEVELOPMENT

Thu, 15 May 2025 13:30:13 GMT

About the Episode:

Feel like you’re constantly battling your teen over screen time? Wondering if their love of Roblox, TikTok, or skincare influencers is harmless—or harmful? Overwhelmed by all the fear-based headlines about what tech is doing to your kid’s brain?

Same. That’s why this week’s episode is a must-listen.

Dr. Whitney sits down with Erin Walsh—social scientist, parenting expert, and author of It’s Their World: Teens, Screens, and the Science of Adolescence —to dig into what’s really going on with our kids and their screens. Spoiler: It’s not as simple as “just take the phone away.” But it’s also not a free-for-all.

Erin breaks down the science of the developing adolescent brain, the real risks of screen time (especially around body image), and what we actually need to be focusing on as parents. This conversation will leave you feeling smarter, calmer, and better equipped to make the best decisions for your unique kid—without shame or overwhelm.

Key Takeaways:

�� The Truth About the Teen Brain

Adolescents aren’t mini adults or defiant disasters. Their brains are wired for risk-taking, emotional intensity, and identity formation—and that’s not a flaw, it’s biology. Understanding that can completely shift how we show up when they’re melting down... or ignoring our 8th reminder to get off YouTube.

�� Why One-Size-Fits-All Screen Rules Backfire

Rigid screen-time limits and total bans often create more power struggles than peace. Erin explains how to parent with the science, not against it—and why our kids’ individual personalities, interests, and vulnerabilities should shape how we set tech boundaries.

�� Screens Aren’t All Bad—But Some Content Is

Not all screen time is created equal. Your 11-year-old using Pinterest for drawing ideas is a different story than your 8-year-old rage-texting strangers on Roblox. The key is asking why kids are using screens and what the content is doing for (or to) them.

�� The Hidden Harm of Body-Based Content

From fitspo to skincare influencers to muscle-building TikToks, appearance-focused content is sneakier—and more damaging—than many parents realize. Erin shares what the research actually says about the connection between social media, body image, and mental health (especially for boys and non-binary kids).

�� Parental Monitoring Doesn’t Work Without Relationship

Filters and tracking apps can help—but they’re not enough. What really protects teens online? An ongoing, curious, connected relationship with you. Erin gives simple strategies to build that trust—even if your teen is in full “leave me alone” mode.

�� The Hot Chocolate Method: Why Side-by-Side Time Matters

Sometimes the best convos happen in the car or while grabbing a snack. Erin and Whitney share real-life ways to create low-pressure connection moments that teens actually respond to (yes, even yours).

�� Your Screen Habits Matter, Too

Kids notice when we’re glued to our phones. Erin explains why adult screen use impacts teen mental health—and how narrating our own phone boundaries (without shame) can shift the whole family dynamic.

�� The Algorithm Isn’t Your Friend

Click once on a biohacking or diet post, and the algorithm will happily shove more extreme content your kid’s way. Erin explains why it’s crucial to look at your kid’s feed, not just their screen time total.

About Our Guest:

Erin Walsh is a parent, speaker, and expert on adolescent development, screen time, and mental health. She’s the co-founder of the Spark & Stitch Institute, where she helps families and educators navigate the messy, meaningful work of raising kids in the digital age—using real science and zero shame.

Erin is also the author of the book It’s Their World: Teens, Screens, and the Science of Adolescence , which dives into how teens’ brains are wired, what screens are actually doing to them, and how parents can respond with confidence and connection (not panic).

She’s known for making complicated research accessible, practical, and even a little funny—and her work has been featured in schools, community organizations, and media outlets across the country.

You can find Erin’s ongoing work, free resources, and workshops at

�� sparkandstitchinstitute.com

And follow her for science-backed tips and parenting truth bombs at

�� Instagram: @sparkandstitch

�� Subscribe to The Modern Mommy Doc Podcast for more episodes on parenting with confidence and clarity. L eave a review using the hashtag #ModernMommyDoc.

BEYOND YOGA PANTS: HOW TO DRESS WITH CONFIDENCE IN REAL MOM LIFE

Thu, 08 May 2025 10:30:00 GMT

About the Episode:

In this style-meets-substance episode of The Modern Mommy Doc Podcast, Dr. Whitney sits down with wardrobe stylist and educator Connie Jespersen of Art in the Find to talk about the mental blocks, mom-life logistics, and emotional hangups we face when it comes to what we wear — and why it actually matters.

Connie brings empathy, wit, and a refreshing no-pressure approach to personal style, reminding us that confidence isn’t about having the “perfect” closet — it’s about getting dressed in a way that actually works for your real life. From dopamine shopping to drop-off outfits to closet organizing hacks, this is the style pep talk you didn’t know you needed.

Key Takeaways:

1. Personal style isn’t superficial — it’s a form of self-expression and self-respect.
What you wear can shift how you feel and how you show up in your life. Feeling put together can give moms the extra boost of confidence they need — but only if it’s done in a way that’s authentic and aligned with their lifestyle.

2. You don’t need a whole new wardrobe — you need a plan.

Instead of overhauling your entire closet or impulse buying for a fantasy life, Connie recommends starting small. Pick one piece you want to wear more, identify 2–3 real-life situations you’d wear it in (like drop-off, errands, or a farmer’s market), and build 3 simple outfits from there.

3. Beware the “aspirational shopping trap.”

Many moms (and women in general) shop for the life they wish they had instead of the one they’re actually living — especially during tough seasons. That gorgeous puff-sleeved dress? It might feel exciting in the moment but end up collecting dust. Connie encourages slowing down and asking: Does this item make me feel empowered, and do I already own pieces to wear it with?

4. Closet edits are self-care.

Going through your closet seasonally — even just reshuffling by color or type — can breathe new life into your wardrobe without spending a dime. Knowing what you have helps reduce overwhelm and prevents repeat purchases (like, say, five white eyelet tops with puff sleeves ��).

5. Texture and accessories elevate everyday looks.

You don’t need a new outfit to look pulled together. Just adding texture (like a ribbed cardigan), layers (like mixed-length necklaces), or a fun bag can make a basic outfit feel intentional. It’s all about the elements of interest that match your personality.

6. If it’s helping you, it’s worth it. If it’s hurting you, let it go.

Some days, putting together an outfit helps you feel like yourself again. Other days, it’s just another pressure you don’t need. Connie gives full permission to meet yourself where you’re at — whether that’s in a full look or a messy bun and sweats.

7. Hiring a stylist isn’t just for celebrities — it’s an investment in decision fatigue relief.

Connie breaks down how working with a stylist can actually save time, money, and stress — especially for moms who spend hours scrolling, buying, returning, and still feeling like they have nothing to wear. Strategic support can bring clarity, direction, and even joy back into getting dressed.

About Our Guest:

Connie Jespersen is a wardrobe stylist, former educator, and the founder of Art in the Find. She helps women redefine their personal style with confidence, ease, and intention. Her mission? To make getting dressed feel joyful again — not like just another item on the mom to-do list.

Through her Intentional Style Membership, virtual and in-person styling services, and her popular Signature Style Method course, Connie offers accessible and empowering tools for women at any stage of life (and at any budget). Her work is rooted in helping women dress for who they are now, not who they think they "should" be.

�� Learn more at artinthefind.com
�� Follow her on Instagram: @artinthefind

�� Subscribe to The Modern Mommy Doc Podcast for more episodes on parenting with confidence and clarity. L eave a review using the hashtag #ModernMommyDoc.

HOT MESS, BIG HEARTS: HOW A CLEANING CREW BECAME A MODERN-DAY VILLAGE FOR MOMS

Thu, 01 May 2025 17:39:08 GMT

About the Episode:

In this heartfelt and refreshingly honest episode of The Modern Mommy Doc Podcast, Dr. Whitney chats with Brittinie Tran, co-founder of Hot Mess Express — a women-led, volunteer-powered movement helping overwhelmed women declutter their homes and their minds. What started as a one-time cleaning rescue for a postpartum mom turned into a nationwide community of women supporting women — no judgment, no shame, just pure help.

Whether your junk drawer is a metaphor or a literal disaster zone, this conversation will make you laugh, cry, and maybe even finally donate that pile of old baby clothes in your garage.

Key Takeaways:

1. Asking for help is an act of strength, not weakness.

Many women hesitate to reach out for help because they feel ashamed or fear they’ll be judged. Hot Mess Express flips the script by creating a safe, welcoming space where asking for support is seen as a brave and empowered decision. Most nominations come from women nominating themselves — and that’s celebrated.

2. Clutter isn’t just a mess — it’s a mental health issue.

Brittinie and her team see firsthand how disorganized spaces reflect emotional overload. Whether it’s postpartum chaos, chronic illness, or simply years of survival mode, physical clutter can represent deeper stress. Decluttering often helps women breathe again — literally and emotionally.

3. Traditional cleaning services often fail to meet women’s real needs.

Unlike paid cleaners who might judge, rush, or skip emotional labor, Hot Mess Express volunteers come in with empathy and without agenda. They get into the drawers. They sit beside you and help sort 300 t-shirts if needed. They cheer you on for letting go — or for choosing to keep things. It’s about support, not perfection.

4. Every woman’s story is different — and every mess matters.

There’s no “messy enough” threshold. Whether it’s a single cluttered closet or an entire house that hasn’t been functional in years, no request for help is too small or too big. Some women are financially stable but emotionally exhausted. Others are navigating major life transitions without a village. All deserve dignity and support.

5. Real transformation isn’t about spotless houses — it’s about sustainability.

The goal isn’t a Pinterest-perfect space. It’s helping women create systems they can maintain. That means customizing organization to how a family actually functions, not how it “should” look. And it means recognizing that life gets messy again — and that’s okay.

6. Moms need community more than ever — and it doesn’t have to cost a thing.

Hot Mess Express has grown into more than a volunteer service — it’s a movement. With over 150 chapters and a growing international interest, it’s giving women a way to build local community that’s real, practical, and free. From missions to Mom’s Night Out, it’s about creating the village we’ve all been missing.

7. Shame is the real clutter.

Time and again, Brittany sees that the biggest barrier to asking for help is the shame women feel for "letting it get this bad." But Hot Mess Express volunteers bring their own messy lives to the table too — reminding each other that everyone struggles. Everyone has a junk drawer. Everyone has a story.

8. Little actions create big relief.

Sometimes it’s the smallest thing — clearing a kitchen counter, donating a bag of toys, making a space to read a book — that makes the biggest impact. Helping someone cook their first family meal in a year or finally take a bath without guilt? That’s life-changing.

9. Helping others helps you too.

Volunteers often say they came to help others but left with a full heart, a new community, and the deep reminder that they’re not alone. Showing up for another woman — with a sponge, a trash bag, or just a smile — creates a ripple effect of connection and healing.

About Our Guest:

Brittinie Tran is the co-founder and national director of Hot Mess Express, a women-led, all-volunteer organization transforming lives through compassionate, judgment-free decluttering and organizing services. What started as a one-time Facebook call for help has grown into a nationwide movement with over 150 chapters in 42 states — and counting.

With a heart for service and a passion for creating sustainable systems of support, Brittany helps women reclaim not just their space, but their sense of peace and self-worth. She believes every woman deserves a fresh start — no matter what her home (or her life) looks like.

When she’s not coordinating missions or cheering women on as they let go of their clutter (and their shame), Brittinie is building a village — one volunteer, one conversation, and one clean kitchen at a time.

�� Learn more or get involved at hotmessexpress.co

�� Subscribe to The Modern Mommy Doc Podcast for more episodes on parenting with confidence and clarity. L eave a review using the hashtag #ModernMommyDoc.

RAISING CONFIDENT, CAPABLE KIDS—THE LIFE SKILLS THEY REALLY NEED WITH KATIE KIMBALL

Thu, 10 Apr 2025 14:00:02 GMT

About the Episode:

As parents, we spend so much time making sure our kids succeed in school, sports, and activities—but are we teaching them the life skills they’ll need to thrive in the real world? From cooking and problem-solving to resilience and independence, these skills are just as important as academics (if not more!).

In this episode of The Modern Mommy Doc Podcast, Dr. Whitney sits down with Katie Kimball, a former teacher, mom of four, and the founder of Kids Cook Real Food , to talk about why life skills matter and how parents can start teaching them at any age. We dive into the research on kids’ independence, the long-term benefits of hands-on learning, and practical ways to help kids build confidence and responsibility—without overwhelm.

�� Listen now for real-world tips on how to raise kids who are ready for life!

Key Takeaways:

1. Kids Need More Life Skills—And It’s Never Too Early (or Late) to Start

Many parents assume kids will “pick up” basic skills like cooking, cleaning, and problem-solving over time, but research shows that direct teaching and hands-on practice make a huge difference. Whether your child is 3 or 13, there’s always a way to introduce new responsibilities.

2. Helicopter Parenting is Making Kids Less Capable

Modern parents often prioritize safety and convenience over letting kids struggle through challenges. While well-intentioned, this prevents kids from learning resilience and independence. Giving kids age-appropriate challenges helps them develop problem-solving skills that serve them for life.

3. Cooking is the Ultimate Confidence-Builder

Katie explains how teaching kids to cook isn’t just about food—it teaches:

��️ Math & Science (measuring, fractions, chemistry of cooking)
��️ Patience & Focus (following a recipe step by step)
��️ Responsibility (cleaning up, planning meals)
��️ Confidence (“I made this myself!”)

4. The "Start Small" Approach to Teaching Skills

Parents often feel overwhelmed by the idea of teaching life skills, but Katie shares a simple framework:

✔️ Start with one small, achievable task (e.g., stirring ingredients, setting the table)
✔️ Use positive reinforcement and patience—skills take time!
✔️ Gradually increase responsibility as kids grow in confidence

5. How to Adapt Life Skills for Different Ages

�� Toddlers & Preschoolers: Simple tasks like pouring, stirring, and wiping spills
�� Elementary Age Kids: Making sandwiches, packing lunches, following simple recipes
��‍�� Tweens & Teens: Cooking full meals, budgeting for groceries, planning menus

6. Teaching Life Skills Makes Parenting Easier in the Long Run
It may take longer in the beginning, but kids who learn real-life skills reduce parental stress over time. Instead of doing everything for them, parents can delegate tasks and create a family culture where everyone contributes.

About Our Guest:

Katie Kimball helps change kids’ relationship to food, both through work in the kitchen and helping parents of picky eaters. She’s a former teacher, two-time TEDx speaker, writer, and mom of 4 kids. She created the Kids Cook Real Food eCourse , which was recommended by The Wall Street Journal as the best online cooking class for kids. Her blog Kitchen Stewardship helps families stay healthy without going crazy, and she’s on a mission to connect families around healthy food, teach every child to cook, and instill those all-important life skills!

Learn more about Katie Kimball:

�� Website: www.kidseatrealfood.com
�� Get her Free Guide to Teaching Kids Life Skills
�� Follow Katie on Instagram

�� Subscribe to The Modern Mommy Doc Podcast for more episodes on parenting with confidence and clarity. L eave a review using the hashtag #ModernMommyDoc.

THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO TREATING YOUR CHILD'S ECZEMA SYMPTOMS

Thu, 03 Apr 2025 13:30:05 GMT

If your baby or toddler has eczema, you know the struggle all too well. The dry, itchy, and irritated skin can make everything from playtime to bedtime a challenge. But don’t worry – you’re not alone, and more importantly, eczema is manageable with the right approach.

1. What Is Eczema?

Eczema, or atopic dermatitis, is a common condition in babies and toddlers. It causes dry, itchy, and inflamed patches of skin, often appearing on the face, arms, legs, and behind the knees. Eczema is believed to be a mix of genetic and environmental factors, with triggers like allergens, irritants, and even changes in the weather contributing to flare-ups.

While eczema can feel overwhelming, it’s generally manageable with a solid skincare routine. The goal? Keep your baby’s skin moisturized, avoid irritants, and treat flare-ups when they happen.

2. Building a Skincare Routine That Goes Beyond Gentle and Safe

A consistent and gentle skincare routine that restores the skin's delicate barrier is your best friend when it comes to eczema. Here’s how to set up a routine that keeps your little one’s skin happy and hydrated:

Choose Gentle, Fragrance-Free Products That Pack and Extra Punch

Fragrance-free is the way to go! Fragrances, even natural ones, can be triggers for eczema flare-ups. Look for products specifically formulated for sensitive skin that are free of harsh chemicals, artificial dyes, or synthetic fragrances. But Gentle and fragrance-free products aren't all alike. Ceramides and hyaluronic acid are key ingredients that help restore moisture and protect your baby’s delicate skin barrier. Look for products with these ingredients as you treat your little one.

Moisturize While Skin Is Damp

One of the most effective ways to lock in moisture is by applying a thick, rich moisturizer while your baby’s skin is still damp from a bath. After gently patting their skin with a soft towel, immediately apply the moisturizer. This helps prevent moisture from evaporating and keeps skin hydrated.

For spots that typically have flares, like the face, or areas of flexure, opt for heavier ointmentes that are rich in emollients and humectants. These will form a protective barrier to lock in moisture and calm irritated skin.

Bathing Tips

Bath time should be relaxing – but don’t overdo it. Avoid long, hot baths as they can strip the skin of natural oils, which could trigger a flare-up. Keep the bath short (5-10 minutes) and use lukewarm water. Choose a gentle, fragrance- f ree baby wash designed for sensitive skin to cleanse without drying out the skin.

After bath time, make sure to moisturize immediately to seal in moisture while your baby’s skin is still damp.

3. When to Use Hydrocortisone 1% for Minor Flare-Ups

For those occasional eczema flare-ups, ointments like CeraVe Healing Ointment * are a great option. If things don't improve with ointments alone, though, hydrocortisone 1% cream can be your go-to. It helps reduce inflammation and itching. Here’s how to use it:

Apply sparingly: Only use a thin layer on the areas of skin that are affected.

Use for short periods: Limit its use to 1-2 weeks to avoid thinning the skin.

When to use: If your baby’s eczema is red, inflamed, or unbearably itchy, hydrocortisone can help calm it down. If things don’t improve after 4-5 days, or seem to get worse, reach out to your pediatrician for further treatment.

4. Avoiding Common Triggers

Managing eczema is all about avoiding things that could make flare-ups worse. Here are some common triggers to watch out for:

Harsh chemicals and detergents: Always choose a gentle, fragrance-free detergent for your baby’s clothes and bedding.

Overheating: Dress your baby in lightweight, breathable clothing to prevent overheating, which can irritate the skin.

Allergens: Dust mites, pet dander, and pollen can make eczema worse. Regularly clean and vacuum your home to reduce allergens in your baby’s environment.

5. When to Seek Medical Advice

While many eczema flare-ups can be handled at home, there are times when you should consult a doctor. If your baby’s eczema:

Doesn’t improve despite consistent care

Becomes infected (signs include redness, swelling, or pus), OR

Spreads rapidly or worsens over time

it’s time to reach out to your pediatrician or dermatologist. They may recommend stronger treatments or even prescription medications.

6. Why a Good Skincare Routine Matters

Preventing flare-ups is the name of the game. By sticking to a gentle skincare routine, using fragrance-free products, and moisturizing regularly, you can help keep your baby’s skin healthy and comfortable. The right approach can make a world of difference in preventing dryness and irritation.

Final Thoughts

Dealing with eczema can be tough, but with the right tools, you can help your little one feel comfortable again. Choosing gentle, fragrance-free skincare products and focusing on hydration is key. With a little extra care, your baby’s skin can stay soft, healthy, and eczema-free. By following these simple steps, you can manage your baby’s eczema more effectively and help keep their skin soft, smooth, and irritation-free. It’s all about finding what works for your little one—and knowing when to ask for help.

**Disclaimer: I act as a paid pediatric medical advisor and Spokesperson for CeraVe.

A BETTER SHARE: HOW TO STOP CARRYING THE MENTAL LOAD ALONE WITH DR. MORGAN CUTLIP

Thu, 03 Apr 2025 13:30:05 GMT

About the Episode:

Have you ever felt like the weight of the household is constantly on your shoulders? That you’re the one keeping everything running while your partner is blissfully unaware of all the behind-the-scenes work? If so, you’re not alone—and there’s a way out of the cycle of frustration and resentment.

This week, I sit down with Dr. Morgan Cutlip to talk about her new book, A Better Share: How Couples Can Tackle the Mental Load for More Fun, Less Resentment, and Great Sex . She’s here to unpack what the mental load really is, why it falls so heavily on women, and how couples can work together to create balance.

We discuss:

✅ What the mental load is and why so many moms carry an unfair share.
✅ The resentment trap—why unspoken frustration builds and how to address it before it damages your relationship.
✅ How to have ‘the talk’ with your partner—effective ways to communicate about mental load without starting a fight.
✅ Why equity in household labor leads to better intimacy (yes, there’s a direct connection!).
✅ Practical, real-world strategies to redistribute tasks in a way that actually works.

Key Takeaways:

1. Mental Load Isn’t Just About Chores—It’s About Mental and Emotional Bandwidth

Most moms aren’t just doing tasks; they’re the default manager of everything—scheduling doctor’s appointments, planning meals, remembering school deadlines, and anticipating everyone’s emotional needs. The weight of thinking about what needs to be done is just as exhausting as the doing.

2. The “Ask vs. Assume” Problem: Why Many Dads Aren’t Stepping Up

Men in heterosexual relationships often say, “Just tell me what to do!” But that still puts the burden on moms to manage and delegate. The real goal? Getting both partners to take proactive responsibility rather than just waiting to be told what needs to be done.

3. Resentment Grows in the Gaps Between Expectation and Reality

When one partner assumes they’re doing their fair share (“I take out the trash and mow the lawn!”) but doesn’t realize the other person is carrying everything else, frustration builds. Dr. Cutliffe explains how open weekly check-ins can help realign expectations before resentment takes over.

4. How to Talk About the Mental Load Without Starting a Fight

Many couples fall into defensive mode when this topic comes up. Instead of accusing your partner of not helping, try:

�� Using “I” statements: “I feel overwhelmed managing all of this on my own.”
�� Stating the problem objectively: “I noticed that I’m the one who keeps track of school forms. Can we figure out a system where we both share that responsibility?”
�� Asking for input: “What do you think would be a fair way to split this up?”

5. The 3-Step Approach to Redistributing Mental Load

Dr. Cutliffe shares a practical framework for couples who want to shift the balance:

1️⃣ Awareness: Have an open conversation about the mental load—many partners don’t even realize how much is being handled behind the scenes.

2️⃣ Agreement: Decide together what a fair distribution looks like. This doesn’t have to mean a 50/50 split, but it should feel equitable to both people.

3️⃣ Action: Put systems in place (shared calendars, responsibility lists, routine check-ins) to ensure the shift actually happens.

6. A More Balanced Mental Load = A More Connected Relationship

When moms feel supported and seen , they’re less stressed, more present, and more open to intimacy. Couples who share household and emotional labor report higher relationship satisfaction and even a better sex life—because exhaustion and resentment aren’t in the way.

About Our Guest:

Dr. Morgan Cutlip is a relationship expert, researcher, and author specializing in the division of household labor and the impact of the mental load on modern couples. With a Ph.D. in psychology and years of experience working with couples, she helps partners break free from resentment, communicate effectively, and create a more balanced and fulfilling home life.

Her latest book, A Better Share , dives deep into how couples can work together to tackle the mental load and strengthen their relationship in the process.

�� Learn more about Dr. Morgan Cutlip:

�� Website: https://drmorgancutlip.com/

�� A Better Share – Available Now

�� Follow Dr. Cutlip on Instagram

#ConflictResolution #MarriageSupport #HealthyCommunication #ModernMommyDoc

�� Subscribe to The Modern Mommy Doc Podcast for more episodes on parenting with confidence and clarity. L eave a review using the hashtag #ModernMommyDoc.

SCARED TO START SOLID FOODS? WHAT EVERY PARENT NEEDS TO KNOW WITH CINTHIA SCOTT, RD, IBCLC

Wed, 26 Mar 2025 13:30:02 GMT

About the Episode:

Starting solids can feel overwhelming, but it doesn’t have to be! In this episode, Dr. Whitney is joined by registered dietitian Cinthia Scott , RD, IBCLC, co-author of Baby Leads the Way: An Evidence-Based Guide to Introducing Solid Foods , to break down everything parents need to know about introducing solid foods with confidence . They discuss common misconceptions, signs of readiness, gagging vs. choking, allergy introduction, and how to encourage adventurous eating from the start . If you're feeling anxious about starting solids or want evidence-based tips to make the transition easier, this episode is for you!

Key Takeaways:

1. Focus on Variety, Not Portion Size

The first few weeks of solids are about exploration, not consumption—let your baby touch, taste, and get messy!

Offer different textures and flavors early to help shape their palate and reduce picky eating later on.

2. Introduce Allergens Early & Often

The latest research shows that waiting to introduce allergens increases the risk of allergies—start early and offer them regularly.

Peanuts and eggs have the most research behind them, but introducing all major allergens is recommended.

3. Don’t Fear Gagging—But Be Aware of Choking Risks

Gagging is normal as babies learn to move food around their mouths.

To reduce choking risks, use the Smush Test: If you can press food between your fingers and it squishes easily, it’s safe!

4. Create a Calm Feeding Environment

Sit with your baby during meals and model eating behaviors.

Reduce distractions like TV and pets to help babies focus on their food and prevent choking.

About Our Guest:

Cinthia Scott, RD, IBCLC, is a registered dietitian and infant feeding expert passionate about making starting solids simple and stress-free for parents. She is a co-author of Baby Leads the Way , a comprehensive, evidence-based guide to baby-led feeding that helps parents confidently introduce solids while ensuring proper nutrition and safety.

Action Steps for Listeners:

�� Preorder the Book: Baby Leads the Way

�� Follow Cindy on Instagram : @thebabydietitian

�� Listen to the full episode for more strategies above.

HOW TO HANDLE CONFLICT WITH YOUR PARTNER—WITHOUT MAKING IT WORSE

Thu, 13 Mar 2025 13:30:02 GMT

About the Episode:

Conflict in relationships is inevitable—but sometimes we make it even worse than it needs to be. In this episode, Dr. Whitney Casares explores why couples argue, how to approach disagreements in a healthier way, and what to do when communication breaks down. Drawing from relationship research and her own experiences as a working mom, she breaks down the Four Horsemen of relationship conflict (from Julie Schwartz Gottman & John Gottman) , explains the difference between solvable vs. perpetual problems , and shares practical strategies for handling disagreements without resentment or blame. Plus, she highlights why the way we navigate conflict matters—not just for our relationships, but for the example we set for our kids.

Key Takeaways:

Not all conflicts can be “solved”—and that’s okay.

Some problems have solutions (dividing household chores, setting routines), while others are perpetual (deeply ingrained personality differences, value clashes).

The goal isn’t to eliminate conflict but to manage it in a way that fosters understanding.

Watch out for the “Four Horsemen” of communication breakdown.

According to relationship experts John and Julie Gottman, these four behaviors can signal trouble in a relationship:

Criticism – Attacking your partner’s character instead of their actions.

Defensiveness – Refusing to take responsibility and blaming the other person.

Contempt – Showing superiority, sarcasm, or eye-rolling.

Stonewalling – Emotionally shutting down and withdrawing from the conversation.

There are proven ways to counteract these patterns and improve communication.

Tools for Better Conflict Resolution:

Soft Startups – Begin difficult conversations gently instead of launching into blame.

Compassionate Assertiveness – Express your needs clearly while showing empathy for your partner’s perspective.

Repair Attempts – Small gestures (like humor, touch, or an “I love you”) can defuse tension mid-argument.

Taking Breaks the Right Way – If emotions are too high, step away and set a time to return to the discussion.

Your Kids Are Watching—And Learning.

Kids who see their parents navigate conflict with respect and resolution grow up better equipped to handle disagreements in their own relationships.

Healthy conflict isn’t about avoiding arguments—it’s about showing them that disagreements don’t have to mean disconnection.

Action Steps for Listeners:

�� 1. Learn the Gottman Method for Healthier Communication

The Gottman Institute offers science-backed strategies for improving relationships and resolving conflict effectively.

Explore their free resources and tools: www.gottman.com

⏸ 2. Practice the 20-Minute Timeout Rule

When conflict escalates, take a 20-minute break to let emotions settle.

Use that time to engage in a calming activity (e.g., a short walk, deep breathing, or journaling).

Try guided mindfulness exercises at: www.headspace.com

�� 3. Use a Relationship Check-In Template

Set aside 10 minutes weekly to discuss challenges, express gratitude, and align on priorities.

Download a free relationship check-in guide at: www.therapistaid.com

�� 4. Take a Conflict Communication Quiz

Understand your conflict style and learn how to improve your approach.

Take the free conflict resolution quiz at: www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/conflict-resolution

�� Listen to the full episode for more strategies above.

THE VILLAGE MOMS DESERVE—HOW NEW MOM SCHOOL IS TRANSFORMING POSTPARTUM SUPPORT

Thu, 06 Mar 2025 15:00:01 GMT

About the Episode:

Motherhood can feel deeply isolating, especially in those early postpartum months. But what if there were a structured, research-backed way to connect with other moms going through the exact same challenges—without the guesswork?

In this episode, Dr. Whitney Casares sits down with Alexandra Spitz, founder of New Mom School, to discuss the postpartum loneliness epidemic and why traditional support systems for new moms are failing. Alexandra shares how her organization is redefining postpartum care, providing in-person, research-based education that truly supports new moms in their fourth trimester and beyond.

If you've ever struggled to find a real mom community, or wondered why parenthood sometimes feels harder than it should, this episode is a must-listen.

What You’ll Learn in This Episode:

�� Why postpartum loneliness is a national crisis – and how lack of support impacts maternal mental health

�� The difference between New Mom School and traditional mommy-and-me groups (spoiler: structure and expert-led content matter!)

�� How early motherhood expectations often don’t match reality – and why that disconnect can be so tough

�� Why community is key to a mom’s well-being and how research supports the need for in-person connections

�� How New Mom School works: a structured, eight-week in-person program that connects moms based on their baby’s birthdate

�� The lasting impact of intentional postpartum support – how these groups create lifelong friendships, healthier moms, and ultimately healthier kids

�� Could this model expand to later stages of parenting? The need for structured support for moms of neurodiverse kids and beyond

Why This Conversation Matters:

A 2024 national survey by the Ohio State University Wexner Medical Center found that 66% of parents—particularly mothers—feel isolated and lonely due to the demands of parenthood. At the same time, rates of postpartum depression and anxiety are skyrocketing.

This episode dives into why our culture isn’t designed to support new moms, why self-care is about more than just showers and Target runs, and how creating real, intentional community can change everything.

About Our Guest:

Alexandra Spitz is the founder and owner of New Mom School, a nationwide franchise dedicated to providing research-backed, in-person support for new mothers. After struggling with loneliness in her own postpartum journey, she created a structured, expert-led program to fill the gap in traditional postpartum care.

New Mom School has helped over 10,000 moms since its inception, and the franchise is rapidly expanding to bring better postpartum support to communities across the country.

�� Website: www.newmomschool.com
�� Instagram: @newmomschool

Action Steps for Listeners:

�� Are you a new mom or expecting? Check out New Mom School to see if there’s a location near you.

�� Interested in bringing this program to your community? Learn how to open a New Mom School location.

�� Struggling with loneliness as a mom? Find one small way to build your support system—whether it’s joining a local group, reaching out to a fellow mom, or advocating for better resources in your area.

�� Subscribe to The Modern Mommy Doc Podcast for more episodes on parenting with confidence and clarity. L eave a review using the hashtag #ModernMommyDoc.

THE FOUR-MONTH SLEEP REGRESSION: WHY YOUR BABY WON'T SLEEP AND HOW TO FIX IT

Tue, 04 Mar 2025 00:34:37 GMT

NEVER NOT WORKING: WHY MOMS STRUGGLE TO SLOW DOWN—AND HOW TO LET GO

Thu, 27 Feb 2025 19:16:27 GMT

About the Episode:

Why do so many high-achieving, perfectionist moms struggle with anxiety and burnout? Because we've been taught to equate our worth with productivity. In this episode, Dr. Whitney dives deep into the roots of hustle culture, workaholism, and the pressure to always be "on." Drawing from insights in Melissa Clark’s Never Not Working and her own experiences as a pediatrician and working mom, she explores the hidden costs of over-functioning—from mental health struggles to strained relationships. Most importantly, she offers practical strategies for setting boundaries, redefining self-worth, and reclaiming presence over productivity. If you’ve ever felt like you can’t slow down, this episode is for you.

Key Discussion Points:

1. Why Moms Buy into Hustle Culture

Many high-achieving moms feel anxious and overwhelmed because they’ve been taught their worth is tied to productivity—but motherhood throws control and efficiency out the window.

Society glorifies busyness and implicitly rewards overwork, making it feel like a necessity rather than a choice.

We don't have the support we need. We carry the entire mental load.

Melissa Clark, in Never Not Working , explains that workaholism isn’t just long hours—it’s an uncontrollable need to work at the expense of health and relationships.

2. The Hidden Costs of Overworking

Dr. Whitney breaks down the real impact of being “always on”:

1️⃣ Burnout & Emotional Exhaustion – Overworking leads to chronic fatigue, cynicism, and reduced personal effectiveness.

2️⃣ Mental Health Issues – Increased stress, anxiety, and depression are direct consequences of never stopping.

3️⃣ Poor Sleep & Physical Health Decline – Work stress disrupts sleep and contributes to headaches, joint pain, high blood pressure, and other chronic issues.

4️⃣ Strained Relationships – Constant work makes moms feel disconnected from loved ones and less present in their daily lives.

5️⃣ Paradox of Productivity – Overworking doesn’t make us more effective—it actually hinders creativity, efficiency, and long-term success.

3. Breaking the Cycle: How to Stop Over-Functioning

✨ Set Boundaries & Define Working Hours

Choose intentional work hours that align with your lifestyle. It doesn’t have to be 9–5—work when it works for you and protect your off-hours.
Physically put your phone away or turn off notifications to create mental space.

✨ Redefine Success & Self-Worth

Focus on outcomes, not hours—what impact are you making rather than how many tasks you’re checking off?
In motherhood, success isn’t in having a spotless home or homemade meals—it’s in connection and presence.

✨ Prioritize “Big Rocks” First (Stephen Covey’s Time Management Strategy)

Imagine your life as a jar—fill it first with what matters most (family, health, personal fulfillment), then let the small stuff fit around it.
If you fill your life with tiny, unimportant tasks first, you’ll never have room for the things that truly matter.

✨ Create a Culture of Well-Being

In the workplace: Normalize breaks, advocate for flexibility, and set leadership examples of healthy work-life balance.
At home: Delegate, let go of perfectionism, and embrace imperfection in parenting and household tasks.

✨ Practice Small Moments of Stillness

Pause for just one minute today—set your phone aside, sip your coffee in silence, or take a longer shower.
Presence over productivity is a muscle that gets stronger the more you practice it.

Final Takeaway

If you feel like you’re never not working, take a pause. Start with small moments of rest and intentional choices that align with your values. Your worth isn’t measured by how much you do—it’s in how present you are for the things that truly matter.

�� Subscribe to The Modern Mommy Doc Podcast for more episodes on parenting with confidence and clarity. L eave a review using the hashtag #ModernMommyDoc.

IS IT SPIT-UP OR SOMETHING MORE SERIOUS? UNDERSTANDING REFLUX IN BABIES

Thu, 13 Feb 2025 18:28:10 GMT

If you’ve been dealing with a fussy baby who seems uncomfortable after feedings, you may have come across the terms GER (Gastroesophageal Reflux) and GERD (Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease). While these two conditions might sound similar, they differ significantly in terms of severity and what they mean for your baby’s health. Understanding the distinction between GER and GERD can help you determine whether your baby is experiencing normal reflux or something that requires additional treatment.

In this guide, we’ll break down the differences between GER and GERD, share strategies to make feedings more comfortable, and explain when medication like f amotidine might be necessary. Plus, we’ll highlight how lactation specialists and pediatricians can offer valuable support if feeding challenges arise.

1. What Is GER (Gastroesophageal Reflux)?

GER is common in babies, especially during their first few months. It occurs when stomach contents, including milk and stomach acid, flow back into the esophagus after feeding. This can lead to spitting up, mild discomfort, or occasional coughing.

For most babies, GER is a normal part of development and usually resolves as their digestive systems mature, often by 6 to 12 months of age.

Signs your baby might have GER:

Spitting up after feedings (a normal and frequent occurrence).

Mild discomfort or fussiness, typically right after eating.

Occasional coughing or gagging without other complications.

Healthy growth and feeding habits—babies with GER usually gain weight appropriately.

2. What Is GERD (Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease)?

GERD is a more severe and persistent form of reflux. Unlike GER, GERD can lead to complications and significant discomfort for your baby. It occurs when stomach acid frequently irritates the esophagus, causing pain and other symptoms that may interfere with feeding, sleeping, and overall growth.

Signs of GERD include:

Frequent and excessive spitting up, more than what is typical for GER.

Painful crying, particularly during or after feedings.

Refusal to eat or difficulty feeding due to discomfort.

Arching the back or fussiness during feedings, a common indicator of pain.

Poor sleep, often wak ing frequently due to reflux discomfort.

Failure to thrive, with inadequate weight gain or weight loss.

3. When Is Medication Needed for GERD?

In most cases, GER doesn’t require treatment beyond simple lifestyle adjustments. However, GERD may need medical intervention. Medications like famotidine, an H2 blocker, are often prescribed to reduce stomach acid production and alleviate discomfort.

You might consider medication if:

Your baby shows significant discomfort (e.g., excessive crying, arching, or pain).

Feeding becomes difficult, with frequent refusal or trouble feeding.

Weight gain is poor, or your baby is losing weight due to reflux issues.

Always follow your pediatrician’s recommendations for medication, including proper dosage and timing. Monitoring your b aby’s response to treatment is essential to ensure their symptoms improve.

4. Managing Milk Flow and Overactive Letdown

For breastfeeding moms, managing milk flow can play a critical role in reducing reflux symptoms, especially if you have an overactive letdown. A fast milk flow can overwhelm babies with GER or GERD, leading to increased air swallowing and discomfort.

C-Clamping

This technique involves gently pinching the breast just above the areola during breastfeeding to slow milk flow. It can help babies feed more comfortably by reducing the speed and volume of milk intake.

Adjusting Breastfeeding Positions

Consider trying:

Side-lying positions, where your baby is lying on their side rather than upright.

Laid-back breastfeeding, with you reclining slightly to let gravity slow the milk flow naturally.

These adjustments can help minimize reflux symptoms. If you’re unsure how to implement these techniques, a lactation consultant can guide you through tailored solutions.

5. When to Consult a Lactation Specialist

If GER or GERD symptoms are interfering with your baby’s feeding, a lactation specialist can provide invaluable support. They can:

Help manage milk flow and overactive letdown.

Address latch and feeding position issues.

Offer strategies to improve feeding efficiency and reduce discomfort.

6. Practical Tips for Managing GERD (Along with Medications)

If your baby is diagnosed with GERD, incorporating these strategies can help manage symptoms:

Smaller, more frequent feedings to reduce reflux.

Burping often during and after feedings to prevent gas buildup.

Keeping your baby upright for 20-30 minutes after feeding to minimize regurgitation.

Elevating the crib head by about 30 degrees to reduce reflux during sleep. Ensure the sleeping surface remains safe to prevent rolling.

7. Resources and Support for Parents

Managing GER and GERD can feel overwhelming, but you’re not alone. Trusted resources like The Modern Mommy Doc Podcast dive into reflux and feeding challenges, offering expert advice to help parents navigate these issues. You can also find actionable tips in my book, The New Baby Blueprint , which covers everything from reflux management to sleep strategies.

For additional support, check out the wealth of guidance available on HealthyChildren.org , a trusted source for pediatric advice.

Final Thoughts

While GER is a normal and usually harmless phase for many babies, GERD requires extra attention and, in some cases, medical treatment. If your baby is struggling with significant discomfort, feeding challenges, or poor weight gain, don’t hesitate to seek help from your pediatrician or a lactation consultant.

With the right strategies and support, most babies with reflux improve over time as their digestive systems mature. Remember, every baby is unique, and finding the right approach for your little one is key.

HOW TO CHOOSE THE PERFECT PEDIATRICIAN FOR YOUR BABY OR TODDLER

Thu, 06 Feb 2025 14:30:00 GMT

Choosing the right pediatrician for your baby or toddler can feel like a big decision—and for good reason! This person will be your go-to expert for everything from check-ups to illnesses to all the little milestones along the way. Finding someone you trust and feel comfortable with is key, but how do you know where to start? Don’t worry—I’ve got you covered! With some tips from experts like Modern Mommy Doc, HealthyChildren.org, and pediatric specialists, here’s a step-by-step guide to help you find the perfect pediatrician for your little one.

1. Why the Right Pediatrician Really Matters

A pediatrician is so much more than just a doctor—they’re your partner in your child’s health. Whether it’s a routine visit or a sick day, you’ll want to feel comfortable asking questions and confident in their advice. Choosing a pediatrician isn’t just about medical expertise (although that’s super important!); it’s also about finding someone who makes both you and your child feel safe and supported.

It’s all about trust. So, it’s a good idea to think about what’s most important to you—whether that’s proximity, communication, or how the pediatrician approaches parenting topics like vaccinations, feeding, or sleep.

2. What to Look for in a Pediatrician

Qualifications & Experience

First thing’s first: make sure the pediatrician is board-certified. This means they’ve passed a thorough set of exams and are committed to staying updated on the latest in pediatric care. It’s worth checking that they are certified by the American Board of Pediatrics—this ensures they meet the highest standards for children’s health.

Beyond that, think about what you need. For example, do you need a pediatrician who has experience with breastfeeding or toddler sleep issues? Or maybe someone who’s well-versed in handling allergies or asthma? You can even ask them about their experience with the specific health concerns your child may face.

Communication Style

This is a big one. You want a pediatrician who listens to your concerns and explains things in a way that’s clear and comforting. If you ever feel like you're not being heard, it’s okay to look elsewhere.

Ask yourself: Do you feel comfortable asking questions? Does the pediatrician take time to answer, or do you feel rushed? You’ll also want to know how easily you can get in touch with them between appointments, especially if you have urgent questions. Many pediatric offices now offer patient portals or apps where you can message the doctor directly.

Approach to Parenting

Every family has their own style, and it’s important to choose a pediatrician whose philosophy matches yours. For example, how do they feel about breastfeeding? Do they support a specific sleep training method? What’s their stance on alternative medicine or natural remedies?

During your first visit, ask questions about their approach to health and wellness. It’s helpful to know whether their approach aligns with your own values. You want to feel like you’re on the same page when it comes to your child’s care.

Office Environment & Staff

Take a good look at the office itself. Is it child-friendly? Clean? Are the staff members friendly and helpful? These details matter because you'll be spending quite a bit of time in the office, and you want to make sure it feels welcoming.

The location of the pediatrician's office is also something to consider. Is it convenient for you? In case of an emergency, you’ll want to be able to get there quickly.

Patient Reviews & Recommendations

Word of mouth is a powerful tool. Talk to other parents in your community, or ask friends and family for recommendations. Reading online reviews can also help, but remember to take them with a grain of salt—try to find patterns in the reviews rather than focusing on a single comment.

HealthyChildren.org also offers some great advice on choosing a pediatrician and what to look for, so be sure to check that out for more guidance.

3. Questions to Ask at the First Visit

Before you settle on a pediatrician, it’s a good idea to schedule an initial consultation or "meet-and-greet." This is your chance to get a feel for how the doctor communicates and whether you feel comfortable. Here are some questions you might want to ask:

What’s your approach to vaccinations?

How do you handle after-hours care or emergencies?

What’s your philosophy on breastfeeding or introducing solids?

How do you manage common childhood illnesses like colds, fevers, and rashes?

How do you support new parents during the early months?

This visit will help you figure out if they’re the right fit for your family.

4. What to Do if You’re Not Happy with Your Pediatrician

Even after all the research and your initial visit, you might realize that the pediatrician just isn’t the right fit for your family. That’s totally okay! You’re the best advocate for your child, and it’s important to trust your instincts. If things don’t feel right—whether it’s a communication issue, differences in parenting philosophy, or something else—don’t be afraid to switch.

It can be a bit of a hassle, but your child’s health is too important. Ask your current pediatrician for a referral or look for recommendations on trusted sites like HealthyChildren.org or the American Academy of Pediatrics.

Get More Tips in The New Baby Blueprint

Finding the right pediatrician is just one step in the journey of becoming a parent. If you’re expecting or have recently welcomed a baby, my book, The New Baby Blueprint is a great resource to guide you through those first few months of parenthood. From choosing a pediatrician to managing those first sleepless nights, this book is full of helpful tips and advice for new parents. It even includes a pediatrician interview questionnaire! You can grab a copy on Amazon for everything you need to feel confident in the early days of parenting.

Final Thoughts

Finding the right pediatrician isn’t a decision to take lightly, but it’s also one you can take your time with. Ask questions, trust your instincts, and don’t settle for a doctor who doesn’t feel like the right fit. When you find someone who listens to you, respects your parenting style, and offers expert care, it can make all the difference in your child’s health and your peace of mind. And remember, it’s okay to make a change if you feel something isn’t working—your child’s well-being should always come first.

WHY TODAY'S KIDS (AND PARENTS!) ARE MORE ANXIOUS THAN EVER...AND HOW TO FIX IT

Thu, 06 Feb 2025 14:30:00 GMT

About the Episode:

In this episode of The Modern Mommy Doc Podcast, Dr. Whitney Casares dives into the growing epidemic of anxiety in both parents and children. Why are we all so anxious? And more importantly—what can we do about it? She explores the major cultural and technological shifts that have contributed to rising anxiety levels, from social media and smartphone addiction to the decline of unstructured play and increased parental overprotection. Dr. Whitney also shares practical strategies for reducing anxiety in your family—including setting screen time limits, fostering independence, and advocating for policy changes. If you've ever felt overwhelmed by parenting in the digital age, this episode is for you.

Key Discussion Points:

1. Smartphones & Social Media Are Fueling Anxiety

The rise of social media has increased comparison, information overload, and constant stimulation , making parents and kids more anxious.

Sleep deprivation due to screen time can exacerbate anxiety in both children and adults.

The “attention economy” (constant notifications, infinite scrolling) makes it hard to focus, creating a sense of never feeling truly settled.

2. Kids Have Less Unstructured Play—And It’s Hurting Them

Free, unstructured play helps kids build resilience and problem-solving skills , but today’s kids have fewer opportunities for it.

A culture of over-scheduling and screen reliance means children are less able to handle boredom and self-regulate.

Play is how kids learn to cope with adversity —without it, they struggle more with frustration and independence.

3. Helicopter Parenting & Overprotection Are Making It Worse

GPS tracking, constant check-ins, and over-monitoring can undermine kids’ ability to take risks and build confidence.

While safety is important, finding a balance between protection and independence is crucial for kids’ mental health.

Kids need opportunities to explore, make mistakes, and navigate challenges on their own to develop self-trust.

Practical Steps to Reduce Anxiety in Your Family:

✅ Limit Screen Time: Implement screen-free days (e.g., no screens Monday-Thursday, controlled screen time on weekends).

✅ Choose Phones Wisely: Delay smartphone use as long as possible; consider Gabb phones or other limited devices instead of full-access smartphones.

✅ Encourage Free Play: Give kids boredom-friendly environments where they can create, explore, and problem-solve independently.

✅ Advocate for Policy Changes: Support local initiatives that limit smartphone use in schools and promote digital wellness.

✅ Set Boundaries for Your Own Screen Use: Model healthy habits by limiting your own social media time and choosing trusted, evidence-based parenting resources.

Resources & References:

�� The Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haidt – A must-read on the link between childhood rewiring and rising mental health issues.

�� The Working Mom Blueprint by Dr. Whitney Casares – Strategies for setting boundaries, managing stress, and parenting with confidence.

�� Gabb Wireless – A great alternative to smartphones for kids who need basic communication but no social media.

Join the Conversation:

�� What strategies have worked in your home to manage screen time and reduce anxiety? Share your experiences with us!

�� Subscribe to The Modern Mommy Doc Podcast for more episodes on parenting with confidence and clarity.

Subscribe, share, and leave a review using the hashtag #ModernMommyDoc.

SOOTHING SNIFFLES: A PARENTS' GUIDE TO COLDS AND MORE

Wed, 22 Jan 2025 01:02:11 GMT

Caring for a baby or toddler with a cold can be stressful, especially when they’re too young to fully communicate how they’re feeling. But don’t worry! With the right guidance and strategies, you can help alleviate their discomfort and support their recovery.

1. Recognizing Cold Symptoms in Babies and Toddlers

Colds are common in babies and toddlers, especially as their immune systems are still developing. Early symptoms can include:

Runny or stuffy nose: This is often the first noticeable symptom.
Coughing: This may develop a few days after other symptoms appear.
Sneezing: Common as the body tries to clear irritants from the nose.
Fever: Mild fever (100.4°F to 102°F) is typical in colds.
Decreased appetite: Congestion can make eating or breastfeeding difficult.
Irritability: Uncomfortable symptoms can make babies or toddlers more fussy than usual.
Fatigue: Your little one when they’re congested. Be sure to clean the humidifier regularly to prevent mold buildup.

You can also create steam by running a hot shower and sitting with your baby or toddler in the bathroom, where the warm, moist air can help loosen congestion. Just be sure to never leave your child unattended near any steam or water source.

2. Nasal Saline Mist and Nose Aspirators

If your baby or toddler has a stuffy nose, a saline nasal mist (such as Zarbee’s Baby Saline Mist) is an excellent alternative to traditional saline drops. Saline mist can help loosen mucus and ease breathing by moisturizing the nasal passages. After using the mist, you can gently clear your baby’s nose using a soft nose aspirator or a bulb syringe. These tools can help you clear the nasal passages, improving their ability to breathe and feed.

3. Elevating the Head During Sleep

When your little one is congested, try to elevate the head of their crib or bassinet to help ease breathing. Don’t use pillows in the crib, as they pose a suffocation risk. Instead, you can place a small wedge or towel underneath the mattress to create a gentle incline. For toddlers, consider propping them up with an extra pillow to make it easier for them to sleep.

4. Managing Fever in Babies and Toddlers

For more guidance on dosing acetaminophen and ibuprofen, refer to the specific dosing charts on HealthyChildren.org:

Fever is a common symptom of a cold, and it’s your baby’s or toddler’s way of fighting off infection. Understanding when to treat a fever and how to manage it can be tricky, so here’s what you need to know:

Mild Fever (100.4°F to 102°F)

Moderate Fever (102°F to 104°F)

High Fever (105°F and higher)

5. Recognizing Labored Breathing in Babies and Toddlers

Labored breathing is an important sign to watch for when your baby or toddler is sick. It indicates that they are struggling to get enough oxygen, and it’s a sign that medical attention may be necessary. Common signs of labored breathing include:

Retractions: This occurs when the skin between the ribs, under the ribcage, or above the collarbone pulls in with each breath. This is a sign that the child is working harder to breathe.

Tachypnea: This is rapid breathing — usually more than 60 breaths per minute in infants and more than 40 breaths per minute in toddlers.

Nasal Flaring: The nostrils flare open wider than normal with each breath. This indicates increased effort to breathe.

If you notice any of these signs of labored breathing, or if your child seems to be struggling to catch their breath, contact your pediatrician immediately or seek urgent medical care.

6. Cough Remedies and What Works

Many parents reach for over-the-counter cough and cold medicines, but these are often ineffective and can even pose risks to young children. In fact, most over-the-counter medications don’t work well for kids under 4, and many contain ingredients that aren’t safe for babies and toddlers.

A natural remedy that has been shown to work is honey. According to research, honey can help soothe a cough and improve sleep quality in children. However, it should only be given to children aged 1 year and older. For babies under 1 year, honey should not be used due to the risk of botulism, a rare but serious illness.

If your toddler is old enough, a spoonful of honey before bedtime can help calm their cough and ease discomfort. Just be sure to monitor your child’s reaction, and consult your pediatrician if you have any concerns.

7. Preventing the Spread of Germs

Since colds are highly contagious, especially in group settings like daycare, there are a few steps you can take to minimize the risk of spreading the virus:

Wash your hands frequently, especially after wiping your child’s nose or handling used tissues.
Disinfect toys, pacifiers, and frequently touched surfaces like doorknobs and light switches.
Keep your baby or toddler away from other children or adults who are sick to reduce the chances of further exposure.
Breastfeeding continues to be an excellent way to boost your child’s immune system and offer them additional protection during times of illness.

8. Managing Pink Eye (Conjunctivitis)

Pink eye is a common illness in children and can accompany colds. It occurs when the tissue covering the white part of the eye becomes inflamed. Symptoms vary based on the cause:

Viral Pink Eye: Watery, red, and swollen eyes; often resolves within 5-7 days.
Bacterial Pink Eye: Yellow or green discharge, crusted eyelids; requires antibiotic eye drops or ointments.
Allergic Pink Eye: Itchy, watery eyes caused by allergens; treated with antihistamines.

Prevent the spread by encouraging handwashing, disinfecting surfaces, and avoiding eye rubbing. Consult your pediatrician to determine the cause and appropriate treatment, especially if your child’s symptoms persist or worsen.

Final Thoughts

To explore more about children’s health and parenting, visit HealthyChildren.org . Additionally, my books, The Working Mom Blueprint and The New Baby Blueprint , offer insights and strategies for navigating parenthood.

Caring for a sick baby or toddler can be emotionally and physically draining, but with a little knowledge and preparation, you can make the process easier for both of you. Monitor your child’s symptoms, provide comfort at home, and know when to seek medical help. Most colds will resolve on their own, but it’s always better to consult your pediatrician if you have any concerns. Stay informed, stay calm, and know that this too shall pass!

GAMIFYING KINDNESS: HOW SMALL ACTS OF KINDNESS CREATE BIG IMPACT WITH BRYAN DRISCOLL

Fri, 17 Jan 2025 19:45:31 GMT

About the Episode:

What if being kind could be fun, energizing, and contagious? In this inspiring episode, Dr. Whitney chats with Brian Driscoll, author of The Goodness Game: Make the World Better and Feel Awesome While Doing It. Brian shares how his runaway journey as a teenager and the kindness of strangers inspired him to gamify generosity. Together, they explore actionable strategies for weaving kindness into everyday life—even when you're a busy parent feeling stretched thin. Learn how to identify your unique "helping style," create a sustainable kindness budget, and build meaningful connections through acts of goodness.

About Our Guest:

Brian Driscoll is the author of The Goodness Game: Make the World Better and Feel Awesome While Doing It , a book that explores the transformative power of kindness through a gamified approach. Based in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, Brian is a busy father of three boys, a real estate investor, and the owner of a digital marketing company. Inspired by his own experience as a runaway teen helped by the kindness of strangers, Brian has dedicated his life to spreading positivity and empowering others to make meaningful connections through small acts of goodness. His mission is to spark a ripple effect of kindness that impacts individuals and communities alike. You can connect with Brian through his website, www.goodnessgame.com .

Key Discussion Points:

Kindness Starts Small

You don't need to perform grand gestures to make an impact. Small acts like calling someone by name or lending a hand can create ripples of positivity.

The Five Rules of The Goodness Game

Rule 1 : Give without remembering. Focus on helping without expecting recognition.
Rule 2 : Identify your helping style—whether it's offering empathy, time, resources, or connections.
Rule 3 : Not everyone is your assignment. Set boundaries and focus on where you can genuinely make a difference.
Rule 4 : Create a kindness budget. Plan your time and resources intentionally to avoid burnout.
Rule 5 : Keep score to track your progress and the emotional impact of your acts of kindness.

Practical Tips for Parents

How busy moms can integrate kindness into their routines without feeling overwhelmed.
Why it’s essential to accept help as well as give it—and how that completes the cycle of kindness.

Gamifying Kindness

Brian explains how turning kindness into a game can motivate people to act.
The importance of tracking your acts of kindness to notice the positive changes in your outlook and mood.

Overcoming Barriers to Kindness

Addressing cultural and personal biases when deciding who to help.
How to ensure your kindness is impactful without enabling unhealthy patterns.

Don’t forget to subscribe to the Modern Mommy Doc podcast for more conversations on how to thrive as a modern mom! Subscribe, share, and leave a review using the hashtag #ModernMommyDoc.

SO YOU'RE TAKING OZEMPIC. DOES THAT MEAN YOU'RE NOT A BODY-POSITIVE PARENT? WITH DR. KRISTA GONZALES

Thu, 09 Jan 2025 18:41:24 GMT

About the Episode:

In this episode of The Modern Mommy Doc Podcast, Dr. Whitney Casares sits down with Dr. Krista Gonzalez, a triple-board-certified endocrinologist and obesity medicine specialist, to discuss the complex intersection of weight-loss medications like Ozempic and body positivity. Together, they explore societal pressures, the stigma surrounding weight-loss treatments, and if moms can reconcile personal health goals with fostering a body-positive environment for their children.

Key Topics Include:

How weight-loss medications work and their role in appetite regulation.

Navigating the stigma around weight-loss medications as a parent.

Shifting from a focus on weight to overall health and well-being.

Lessons from Fat Talk by Virginia Sole-Smith and how they apply to conscious parenting.

Practical strategies for parents to approach nutrition and body image with their kids.

About Our Guest:

Dr. Krista Gonzalez is a triple-board-certified physician specializing in endocrinology, obesity medicine, and internal medicine. With years of expertise in treating complex metabolic conditions, Dr. Gonzalez is passionate about helping individuals reclaim their health through personalized care.

As a dedicated advocate for women and moms, she understands the unique challenges they face when balancing personal wellness with family responsibilities. Dr. Gonzalez’s compassionate, whole-person approach empowers her patients to set and achieve realistic health goals while fostering a deeper connection with their bodies.

In addition to her clinical work, Dr. Gonzalez is a mom of two and a champion for working mothers. She is currently organizing the Pausing to Thrive retreat in 2025, designed to help busy moms create space for self-care and growth. You can connect with her on Instagram and LinkedIn . @DrKristaGonzalez.

Key Discussion Points:

Understanding Weight-Loss Medications

Dr. Krista Gonzalez explains how medications like Ozempic, Wegovy, and Zepbound work. These GLP-1 medications regulate appetite by slowing gastric emptying and reducing food noise. While these treatments have gained popularity, Dr. Gonzalez emphasizes the importance of working with qualified healthcare providers to ensure they are used safely and effectively.

The Intersection of Body Positivity and Weight-Loss Treatments

Dr. Whitney and Dr. Gonzalez explore the tension between promoting body positivity and choosing to use weight-loss medications. They discuss how these decisions can coexist, emphasizing that health goals, such as reducing pain or increasing energy, don’t contradict self-love or acceptance.

The Role of Stigma in Weight-Loss and Parenting

The stigma surrounding weight-loss medications often leads people to feel they’ve taken the “easy way out.” Dr. Gonzalez challenges this notion, pointing out the biological and environmental factors that can make weight regulation difficult, especially for moms. She argues that using all available tools to improve quality of life should be seen as a responsible choice, not a weakness.

How Stress, Hormones, and Parenting Impact Body Image

Moms face unique challenges in maintaining their health due to stress, hormonal changes, and sleep deprivation. These factors, combined with societal expectations, often lead to feelings of being out of control with their bodies. The episode highlights the importance of giving yourself grace while navigating these challenges.

Practical Strategies for Raising Body-Positive Kids

Dr. Casares and Dr. Gonzalez discuss ways to create a body-positive environment at home, including avoiding labels like “good” or “bad” foods; involving kids in meal preparation to empower them and build healthier habits; and focusing on balanced nutrition without making food a source of guilt or shame.

Choosing the Right Provider for Weight-Loss Medications

Dr. Gonzalez stresses the importance of working with qualified professionals, such as those certified by the American Board of Obesity Medicine (ABOM). She also highlights the risks of using mail-order or unregulated providers, which can lead to improper guidance and harmful outcomes.

Addressing Emotional Eating and Food Noise

Dr. Gonzalez highlights how medications can quiet food noise, helping patients shift their focus to other areas of their lives. The conversation also delves into how emotional eating patterns often stem from childhood and societal conditioning, urging parents to be mindful of the messages they send to their children about food.

Resources:

Body Love: 5 Ways Modern Moms Can Raise More Body-Confident Kids

American Board of Obesity Medicine

Modern Mommy Doc Blogs on This Topic

Don’t forget to subscribe to the Modern Mommy Doc podcast for more conversations on how to thrive as a modern mom! Subscribe, share, and leave a review using the hashtag #ModernMommyDoc.

MAKING HOLIDAY MAGIC WITHOUT LOSING YOUR MIND

Thu, 19 Dec 2024 23:46:59 GMT

It’s six days until Christmas—eek!

If you’re anything like me, you’re trying to pack a year’s worth of magical memories into the next week. And let’s be real—there’s a lot riding on that magic.

But then, Christmas morning comes, and reality hits:

“I didn’t get the art set I wanted! That’s what I wanted the most! I hate Christmas!”

Cue the tears—yours or theirs (or both).

The truth is, kids don’t transform into little angels just because it’s the holiday season. They feel overwhelmed, exhausted, and disappointed, just like adults do. But unlike adults, they don’t yet have the tools to handle those feelings on their own.

So, how do we help our kids—and ourselves—navigate the holidays without the meltdowns and guilt? Here are a few strategies to create a joyful season that’s meaningful and manageable.

1. Manage Expectations (Yours and Theirs)

We moms have a tendency to measure our worth by how magical we can make the holidays. But here’s the truth: perfection is overrated, and kids don’t need it.

For the Kids:

Be upfront about what they can expect this year. Will there be fewer presents under the tree? A different celebration schedule? Let them know ahead of time.

Tip: Ask them to prioritize their wish lists. Knowing their top 1-2 “must-haves” helps avoid disappointment and makes them feel involved in the process.

For You:

Let go of the pressure to do everything. Kids won’t remember whether the cookies were from scratch or store-bought; they’ll remember the time you spent together.

2. Stick to a (Flexible) Plan

The holidays are full of surprises—last-minute visitors, packed schedules, and later bedtimes. While some spontaneity is fun, too much chaos can lead to overwhelm for both you and your kids.

Create a visual calendar: Let your kids see what’s coming—whether it’s family movie night or Aunt Susan’s visit. Seeing open spaces for downtime can be just as reassuring as knowing what’s planned.

Set limits: If you know certain activities (like back-to-back parties) are too much for your child, say no. A calm, happy kid is better than a frazzled one trying to power through.

3. Involve Your Kids in Holiday Decisions

Ask your kids what feels most special to them about the holidays. You might be surprised by their answers. Do they love decorating cookies but don’t care about elaborate gingerbread houses? Skip the latter. Do they light up at the thought of a holiday movie marathon? Pop some popcorn and ditch the Pinterest-perfect crafts. When kids feel heard, they’re less likely to be disappointed by what doesn’t happen.

4. Address Emotions Head-On

Kids can feel so many emotions during the holidays—excitement, frustration, overstimulation, disappointment—and they’re not always sure how to handle them.

Have an Honest Conversation:

If you know your child struggles with holiday letdowns, talk about it in advance. Example: “Sometimes, it seems like you feel disappointed on Christmas morning. What could we do together to make the day feel special for you, no matter what’s under the tree?”

Model Emotional Resilience:

When things go sideways (and they will), show your kids how to handle disappointment. It’s okay to say, “I’m feeling a little stressed because things didn’t go as planned, but I’m going to take a deep breath and enjoy what we can do.”

5. Practice Radical Acceptance

No matter how much planning you do, not every moment will be picture-perfect—and that’s okay. Some parts of the season will be magical, and others might feel downright hard.

For You:

Give yourself grace. It’s okay if the house isn’t spotless, the presents aren’t wrapped like a magazine cover, or the kids don’t love every second of the day. What matters most is the love and effort you’re putting into your family.

For Them:

Teach your kids that it’s normal to feel disappointed or overwhelmed sometimes. Then, help them move forward. Example: “I know you’re upset you didn’t get the art set. That makes sense—it’s hard when we don’t get what we hope for. But let’s think about some of the other fun things we can do today.”

The True Magic of the Holidays

At the end of the day, it’s not the gifts, the glitter, or the perfectly curated traditions that make the season special. It’s the connection, the laughter, and the love that you build with your family. So, grab a cup of coffee (or wine), give yourself permission to skip a few “to-dos,” and focus on what matters most. The magic? It’s already there—you just have to notice it.

CLEAR THE CHAOS: HOW DECLUTTERING YOUR LIFE (PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY) BRINGS YOU MORE FREEDOM

Thu, 19 Dec 2024 14:30:00 GMT

There’s a reason why the sight of a cluttered room can send your stress levels through the roof. Chaos in our environment has a way of creeping into our minds, taking up valuable mental real estate, and making us feel overwhelmed and out of control. And it’s not just about the piles of laundry or the dishes in the sink—it’s about the emotional and mental clutter we carry around, too.

If you feel like your life is a never-ending list of things to clean, organize, and stay on top of, it might be time to take a step back and declutter—not just your physical space, but your mental and emotional spaces as well. In this post, we’ll dive into why clutter breeds chaos, and more importantly, how you can clear it out and reclaim your peace.

The Link Between Clutter and Stress

Let’s start with the science: research shows that living in a cluttered environment can significantly increase your stress levels. The constant visual reminder of unfinished tasks triggers feelings of anxiety, making it harder for you to relax, focus, or feel at ease in your own home. And while a cluttered room can be a big source of stress, the real chaos often comes from the mental clutter we carry around—those endless to-do lists, the unspoken expectations, and the emotional baggage we hold onto.

Physical clutter is easy to spot, but mental clutter? That’s harder to pinpoint. It’s the worrying about tomorrow, the guilt over not getting everything done, the comparison game we play with other moms, and the “shoulds” that keep stacking up in our heads. Just like piles of junk in your living room, this mental clutter drains your energy and keeps you stuck in a state of overwhelm.

Decluttering Your Space: Start Small, Gain Big

It’s tempting to tackle everything at once when we think about decluttering, but here’s the truth: you don’t have to do it all at once. In fact, trying to overhaul your entire house or life in one go will only leave you feeling more overwhelmed.

Instead, start small. Pick one room, one space, or even just one drawer that’s been bothering you. Set a timer for 15 minutes and start sorting—what stays, what goes, what can be donated or trashed? The key is to build momentum. Decluttering isn’t just about creating a more organized space; it’s about creating peace in your life, one small step at a time.

As you start decluttering, ask yourself:

Does this item bring me joy, or does it add stress to my life?
Is this something I actually use, or is it just taking up space?
Am I holding onto this because I need it, or because I feel guilty about letting it go?

Give yourself permission to let go of things that don’t serve you anymore. It’s not about perfection; it’s about creating an environment that supports your well-being.

The Mental Declutter: Clearing Out Emotional Baggage

Once you’ve tackled some of the physical clutter, it’s time to turn inward and address the mental clutter that’s weighing you down. This can be a little trickier because it’s not as obvious as the piles of papers on your kitchen counter. But mental clutter can be just as suffocating.

Here’s where you can start:

Write It Down: One of the most effective ways to clear mental clutter is to get it out of your head and onto paper. Start by writing down everything that’s been on your mind—your worries, your to-dos, your frustrations. This act of “brain-dumping” helps create distance between you and the chaos swirling in your head. Once it’s on paper, you can organize it, prioritize it, and even let go of the things that don’t matter as much as you thought they did.

Set Boundaries: Mental clutter often comes from not having clear boundaries in your life. Whether it’s constantly saying yes to things that drain you or taking on responsibilities that aren’t yours, boundaries are key to creating mental space. Ask yourself: What can I say no to? What can I let go of? How can I protect my time and energy more effectively?

Let Go of the Guilt: One of the biggest sources of mental clutter for moms is guilt—feeling guilty for not being “enough,” for not doing more, for not being perfect. This guilt takes up so much space in our minds and keeps us from being present in our lives. It’s time to let go of the guilt and recognize that you are doing your best. You don’t need to be perfect to be a great mom, partner, or person.

The Emotional Declutter: Releasing Toxic Relationships and Negative Patterns

Decluttering isn’t just about the physical and mental—it’s also about the emotional. Sometimes, the clutter in our lives comes from relationships or patterns of behavior that are draining us. These can be friendships that no longer serve us, family dynamics that feel toxic, or even internal narratives that keep us stuck in negativity.

Here’s how to start an emotional declutter:

Identify Toxic Relationships: Take stock of the relationships in your life. Are there people who consistently bring negativity, stress, or drama into your world? It’s time to either set firm boundaries or consider letting go of those relationships altogether. This doesn’t mean cutting people out of your life completely (though sometimes that’s necessary); it simply means protecting your peace and surrounding yourself with people who uplift and support you.

Challenge Negative Thought Patterns: We all have those internal narratives that play on repeat—“I’m not good enough,” “I should be doing more,” “I’m failing as a mom.” These thoughts are cluttering your mind and keeping you from fully enjoying your life. The next time one of these thoughts pops up, challenge it. Is it true? Is it helpful? Replace it with a more compassionate, realistic thought.

Practice Forgiveness: Emotional clutter often stems from holding onto past hurts, grudges, or regrets. Holding onto these feelings can take up so much emotional space, leaving little room for joy and peace. Practicing forgiveness—whether it’s forgiving yourself or someone else—allows you to release the emotional weight you’ve been carrying.

Creating Space for What Truly Matters

Decluttering, whether physical, mental, or emotional, is ultimately about creating space for what really matters to you. When you clear out the chaos, you make room for joy, peace, and the things that bring you fulfillment. You can focus on being present with your family, pursuing your passions, or simply enjoying the quiet moments in life without feeling like you’re constantly weighed down by the mess around you.

Remember: this isn’t about achieving some picture-perfect, minimalist life. It’s about freeing yourself from the things that no longer serve you so you can focus on what truly matters.

Final Thoughts: It’s Time to Clear the Clutter

Clutter, whether it’s physical or emotional, doesn’t just take up space—it takes up energy. And if you’re feeling like there’s not enough space in your life for the things you love, it’s time to start clearing the chaos. Start small, focus on what matters, and give yourself permission to let go of the rest.

Decluttering isn’t a one-time task—it’s an ongoing process. But each time you let go of something that no longer serves you, you create a little more space for joy, peace, and freedom. So take a deep breath, roll up your sleeves, and start clearing the clutter. Your future self will thank you.

BOUNDARIES ARE YOUR BEST FRIEND: WHY SAYING "NO" IS THE KEY TO SAYING "YES" TO YOURSELF

Thu, 12 Dec 2024 17:42:32 GMT

There’s a secret weapon that every mom needs to thrive, and no—it’s not the latest productivity app or a supercharged cup of coffee. It’s something far simpler but infinitely more powerful: boundaries.

For a lot of us, the word “boundaries” feels uncomfortable. Maybe you were raised to believe that being a good mom, partner, or friend means always being available, always saying yes, and putting other people’s needs before your own. But here’s the truth: constantly saying yes to others is slowly draining the life out of you.

Boundaries are not walls. They’re not about shutting people out. Boundaries are about protecting what’s sacred to you—your time, your energy, your mental health—so that you can show up as the best version of yourself for the people you love. And, spoiler alert: when you learn to set healthy boundaries, you’re not only saying no to things that drain you, you’re also saying a big, loud YES to yourself.

Why Boundaries Are Essential for Moms

Let’s face it: being a mom means constantly balancing a million different things. And when you’re trying to keep everything (and everyone) afloat, it can feel impossible to set limits. But boundaries aren’t about being selfish—they’re about being sustainable.

When you don’t have boundaries, you end up burning the candle at both ends, leaving little to no time for yourself. And that’s when resentment starts to creep in. You know the feeling—the one where you’re helping your kids with their homework, cooking dinner, answering work emails, and listening to your partner vent about their day, all while feeling completely depleted inside? That’s what happens when you say yes to everything and forget to protect your own energy.

Boundaries are what allow you to carve out space for yourself amidst the chaos. They give you permission to step away from the constant demands and focus on what matters most—your well-being, your joy, and your peace of mind.

The Guilt Trap: Why We Struggle with Boundaries

For so many of us, setting boundaries feels uncomfortable, especially when we’re used to being the one who always says yes. Why is it so hard to say no? The answer usually boils down to guilt.

We feel guilty for not doing more. Guilty for needing time to ourselves. Guilty for not being the perfect mom, partner, or friend. Society has conditioned us to believe that a “good” woman is one who is always available, always giving, always sacrificing.

But here’s the thing: Guilt is a terrible compass. It doesn’t lead you to where you need to be; it keeps you stuck in a cycle of overcommitment and exhaustion. The next time you feel guilty for setting a boundary, ask yourself: Is this guilt coming from a real place, or is it a product of the unrealistic expectations I’ve internalized?

When you can identify where the guilt is coming from, it’s easier to move past it and reclaim your right to say no.

How to Set Boundaries Without Feeling Like a Jerk

Get Clear on Your Non-Negotiables: Before you can set boundaries, you need to know what’s most important to you. Take some time to reflect on your values, your priorities, and the things that truly bring you joy. Once you’re clear on what matters, it becomes easier to say no to the things that don’t align with those values. Whether it’s your personal time, your mental health, or your family’s well-being, knowing your non-negotiables will give you the confidence to set and enforce boundaries.

Start Small: You don’t have to overhaul your life in one go. Start by setting small, manageable boundaries. Maybe it’s carving out 30 minutes of quiet time each morning or committing to one evening a week where you don’t check work emails. These small boundaries build up over time and give you the practice you need to set bigger ones when necessary.

Be Direct, Not Defensive: When you set a boundary, it’s important to be clear and direct without getting defensive. You don’t owe anyone a lengthy explanation or apology for protecting your time. Try saying something like, “I can’t take on this extra project right now because I’m focusing on family commitments,” or “I need some quiet time in the evenings to recharge, so I won’t be available for calls after 8 p.m.”

Expect Pushback: Not everyone will be thrilled when you start setting boundaries, especially if they’re used to you saying yes all the time. And that’s okay. Stand firm in your decision, and remember that you’re setting boundaries to protect your well-being, not to please others. The discomfort you feel in the short term will be worth the long-term peace you gain.

Boundaries with Your Kids: It’s Okay to Say No

If you’re like most moms, the idea of setting boundaries with your kids feels impossible. They need you constantly, right? Well, yes and no. While kids do need guidance and support, they also benefit from seeing you set healthy limits.

By setting boundaries with your kids, you’re modeling self-respect and teaching them valuable lessons about boundaries in their own lives. It’s okay to say no to playing with them every single second or to set aside time for yourself. It’s okay to tell them that you need 10 minutes of quiet before you can give them your full attention.

Here’s the thing: when you honor your own needs, you’re teaching your kids to honor theirs, too. You’re showing them that it’s okay to have limits, and that taking care of yourself isn’t selfish—it’s necessary.

Boundaries aren’t just about saying no to tasks—they’re also about creating equity in your relationships.

If you find yourself doing more than your fair share of the emotional and mental labor at home, it’s time to set some boundaries around what’s expected of you.

Having open conversations with your partner about shared responsibilities can help create a more balanced and equitable home life. Boundaries in relationships are about ensuring that both partners are contributing equally and that you’re not constantly taking on the brunt of the work.

Remember: Boundaries aren’t about keeping people out—they’re about creating balance. And when your relationship is built on balance, both partners can thrive.

Boundaries with Yourself: The Hardest but Most Important

One of the hardest boundaries to set is the one we need to set with ourselves. It’s easy to get caught up in the habit of overcommitting, people-pleasing, and pushing ourselves past our limits. But without boundaries with yourself, burnout is inevitable.

Setting personal boundaries means knowing when to say no to yourself—no to staying up late to finish one more task, no to taking on more projects than you can handle, no to sacrificing your own needs in the name of productivity.

Personal boundaries are about protecting your energy, respecting your limits, and giving yourself permission to rest and recharge. Because you can’t pour from an empty cup, and you deserve the same kindness and care that you give to others.

Final Thoughts: Boundaries Are a Form of Self-Love

At the end of the day, boundaries are about more than just protecting your time and energy—they’re about honoring your worth. Setting boundaries is an act of self-love. It’s a way of saying, “I deserve to take care of myself. I deserve to have space. I deserve to prioritize my own needs.”

Boundaries aren’t selfish, and they aren’t something to feel guilty about. They’re the key to creating a life that’s aligned with your values, your joy, and your peace.

So the next time you feel like you’re being pulled in a million directions, remember this: You have the power to say no. You have the power to set limits. And by doing so, you’re saying yes to the life you truly want.

ARE YOU THE DEFAULT PARENT? HOW TO CREATE TRUE PARTNERSHIP AT HOME

Thu, 05 Dec 2024 14:30:00 GMT

Let’s have an honest moment here: if you’re reading this, chances are you’re the default parent—the one who’s responsible for keeping the household running, remembering everyone’s schedules, making sure there’s milk in the fridge, and ensuring that the kids don’t show up to school in mismatched socks. You know, the person doing all the things. And while you’re juggling all these tasks, it probably feels like no one else even notices the mental acrobatics you’re pulling off on a daily basis. Sound familiar?

But here’s the thing: doing it all isn’t just unsustainable, it’s unnecessary. You don’t need to be the household CEO, the taskmaster, or the only one in charge of making sure everything gets done. In fact, you shouldn’t be. The truth is, parenting should be a partnership, and if you’re shouldering the majority of the load, it’s time to make a change.

The Invisible Load of the Default Parent

First, let’s define what I mean by “default parent.” The default parent is the one who manages the day-to-day operations of the household: the meals, the laundry, the doctor’s appointments, the school forms, the playdates, the birthday gifts, the everything. You’re the one who keeps mental tabs on all of it—and the kicker? Much of this work is invisible.

This “invisible labor” is more than just physical tasks; it’s the emotional and mental work of thinking about all the things that need to be done. You’re the one managing schedules, anticipating needs, and constantly staying one step ahead. Even when your partner helps, it can feel like they’re waiting for you to tell them what needs to be done, as if you’re the project manager of the household.

And let’s be real—this is exhausting.

Why True Partnership Matters

So why does this default-parent dynamic matter so much? Because it leads to burnout, resentment, and a lopsided partnership where one person is doing the bulk of the work. And when that happens, everyone suffers: you feel overwhelmed and underappreciated, your partner feels disconnected from the household, and the whole family dynamic can start to break down.

The solution? Equity. And I don’t just mean splitting tasks 50/50. True equity in a relationship is about both partners sharing the mental load, being proactive, and feeling equally responsible for the well-being of the family. It’s about not just doing chores but also thinking about them—anticipating needs, planning ahead, and taking ownership.

When you build an equitable partnership at home, a few magical things happen:

You’re less stressed. Imagine waking up and not having to carry the mental to-do list of a thousand tiny tasks. You can finally relax knowing that someone else is picking up the slack.

Your partner feels more connected. When both partners are equally involved, it strengthens your relationship. You’re not the boss delegating tasks—you’re a team working together.

Your kids benefit. When kids see both parents involved equally, it sends a powerful message about teamwork, responsibility, and balance. Plus, it helps them develop stronger relationships with both of you.

The "Equity Audit": A Reality Check

Okay, let’s get practical. The first step to creating true equity at home is figuring out who’s currently doing what. I like to call this the Equity Audit. It’s a simple, but super revealing exercise that helps you take a good hard look at how things really get done in your household.

Here’s how it works:

Make a List: Take out a piece of paper and draw two columns—one for you and one for your partner. Then, list out all the tasks that are part of your daily, weekly, and monthly routine. Include everything from grocery shopping and laundry to paying bills and keeping track of school events. Don’t forget the invisible tasks too—like remembering which snacks your kids like or keeping track of doctor’s appointments.

Compare Notes: Once you’ve finished your list, sit down with your partner and ask them to do the same. This is a no-judgment zone—it’s about creating awareness, not pointing fingers. The goal is to get a clear picture of who’s responsible for what.

When you compare your lists, you’ll probably notice a few things. First, you’re likely doing way more than your partner realized (and maybe even more than you realized). Second, there’s probably a whole bunch of invisible work that’s not even on their radar—work that’s weighing heavily on you.

This is where the conversation starts.

Having the Conversation (Without the Drama)

Now that you have the data, it’s time to have the conversation. And yes, this is where things can get tricky, but it’s also where the magic happens. The key is to approach this discussion as a team effort, not a blame game.

Here’s how to approach it:

1.Lead with Vulnerability: Share how you’re feeling—not in an accusatory way, but in a way that opens the door for connection. Something like, “I’ve been feeling really overwhelmed lately, and I realized that I’m carrying a lot of the load at home. I’d love for us to work together to balance things out a bit more.”

2.Highlight the Benefits: This isn’t just about you—it’s about making life better for both of you. Talk about how sharing the load will give both of you more time and energy to focus on what really matters. Mention the positive effects on your relationship and your kids.

3.Create a Plan: This is where you start to redistribute the load. Look at your Equity Audit and decide which tasks your partner can take on. Maybe they’ll start managing the grocery shopping or take over the morning school routine. Whatever it is, make sure it’s something they can own completely—no micromanaging allowed.

Letting Go of Control (And Perfectionism)

Here’s the hard part: once you’ve had the conversation and created a plan, you have to let go. And by that, I mean you need to let go of control and perfectionism. Your partner might not do things exactly the way you would, and that’s okay. The important thing is that they’re stepping up and sharing the responsibility.

If you hover, nitpick, or try to take over, you’re sending the message that you don’t trust them to handle it—and that’s not the way to build a true partnership. So take a deep breath, step back, and let them handle it their way.

What True Equity Looks Like

True equity in a partnership is about more than just dividing chores. It’s about both partners feeling equally responsible for the emotional, mental, and physical work of running a household. It’s about being proactive, not just reactive. It’s about stepping up without being asked.

When both partners are truly invested in the day-to-day responsibilities of parenting and managing the household, the benefits ripple through every aspect of your life. You’re less stressed, your partner feels more connected, and your kids thrive in a balanced, supportive environment.

Final Thoughts: You Deserve Equity

At the end of the day, you deserve to be in a partnership where the load is shared equally. You don’t have to carry it all on your own, and you certainly don’t have to be the default parent. By taking the time to assess where things stand, having the hard conversations, and letting go of control, you can create a home life that’s balanced, equitable, and supportive.

And the best part? You’ll finally have the space to breathe, to focus on what matters most, and to build a relationship that’s built on true partnership. It’s time to stop doing it all and start doing it together.

THE MENTAL LOAD, MODERN PARENTING, AND MAKING HOMES MORE EQUITABLE WITH BRIAN PAGE

Tue, 26 Nov 2024 14:30:02 GMT

About the Episode:

In this empowering episode of The Modern Mommy Doc Podcast, Dr. Whitney Casares sits down with Brian Page, founder of Modern Husbands, to unpack the challenges of creating equity at home. They explore how societal norms, mental loads, and parenting dynamics shape modern families. Brian shares his personal journey of stepping back from his career to support his wife’s ambitions and how that decision changed their family dynamic. Together, they discuss practical strategies for dividing household responsibilities, fostering equitable partnerships, and reframing traditional gender roles.

About Our Guest:

Brian Page is the founder of Modern Husbands, an organization dedicated to helping couples create equitable homes and manage their finances as a team. A former educator and advisor to President Obama’s Advisory Council for Financial Capability, Brian transitioned to a more flexible role at home to support his wife’s career ambitions. Along the way, he learned invaluable lessons about emotional labor, societal norms, and the benefits of true partnership. Today, he shares his insights through his podcast, newsletter, and practical toolkit for modern couples.

Website: Modern Husbands
Toolkit: Equitable Household Management Resources
Podcast: Modern Husbands Podcast (Top 5% globally)

Key Discussion Points:

The Mental Load is More Than Tasks—It’s Emotional Labor: Women disproportionately carry the invisible workload of household management, from remembering the shopping list to coordinating doctor’s visits. Sharing this responsibility isn’t just about fairness—it’s about creating a more harmonious family dynamic.

Equity Starts with Communication: Brian emphasizes the importance of scheduling dedicated conversations to discuss household responsibilities when emotions are low and cognition is high. Start with small steps, such as dividing one or two specific tasks, and build from there.

Redefining Masculinity in Modern Families: Many men struggle with “dad guilt” or feelings of inadequacy if they’re not the primary financial provider. Addressing these societal pressures and shifting focus to teamwork and shared goals can empower men to take on more at home.

Men Thrive on Positive Reinforcement: A little appreciation can go a long way. Celebrating small wins, like cleaning the kitchen or tackling the grocery shopping, fosters goodwill and strengthens the partnership.

Fair Play Isn’t One-Size-Fits-All: Tools like Eve Rodsky’s Fair Play are great starting points, but customization is key. Brian suggests beginning with a few manageable changes and focusing on shared outcomes, like more free time and less stress for both partners.

It’s Not About Scorekeeping—It’s About Leisure Time: Equity isn’t about splitting everything 50/50. It’s about ensuring both partners have equal leisure time and opportunities to recharge without carrying the mental burden of household tasks.

The Ripple Effect of Equity: When parents model equitable behavior, they influence future generations. Children raised in equitable homes are more likely to create balanced partnerships in their own lives.

Resources:

Fair Play by Eve Rodsky

Equal Partners by Kate Mangino

AAMFT Therapist Locator

Don’t forget to subscribe to the Modern Mommy Doc podcast for more conversations on how to thrive as a modern mom! Subscribe, share, and leave a review using the hashtag #ModernMommyDoc.

THE ART OF LETTING GO: WHY YOU NEED TO SHARE CONTROL (AND HOW TO DO IT WITHOUT FREAKING OUT)

Thu, 21 Nov 2024 14:30:00 GMT

Control. It’s the security blanket many of us cling to as we try to juggle work, family, and personal life. It’s also one of the biggest things holding us back. We believe that if we can just keep everything perfectly organized, if we can plan every detail, if we can do it all ourselves, everything will be okay. But here’s the truth: control is an illusion. And worse than that, it’s exhausting.

For so long, I was that mom—the one trying to orchestrate everything, from the way the dishwasher was loaded to how every meal was prepared. I thought that if I didn’t do it, it wouldn’t get done right. But what I didn’t realize was that all that control was weighing me down. It was isolating me from the people I loved, and it was keeping me from enjoying life.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, constantly stressed, or just plain exhausted, it might be time to let go of some of that control. In this post, I’m going to show you how to start sharing the load—without freaking out.

The Illusion of Control

First, let’s get something out of the way: Control is an illusion. Life is unpredictable, messy, and full of things we can’t plan for. Yet we spend so much time and energy trying to control every little detail. Why? Because control makes us feel safe. It gives us the illusion that if we can just stay on top of everything, nothing bad will happen.

But here’s the thing: controlling everything doesn’t make life easier. It makes it harder. When you’re trying to do everything yourself, you’re carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. And that weight gets heavier and heavier until it crushes you.

The first step in letting go is recognizing that you don’t have to do it all. You don’t have to be the one in charge of every single detail. In fact, trying to do so is what’s keeping you from being present in your life.

Why We Hold On So Tight

So why do we hold on to control so tightly, even when it’s making us miserable? For many of us, it comes down to a few things:

Perfectionism: We believe that if we don’t do it ourselves, it won’t be done “right.” But here’s the thing: perfectdoesn’t exist. And your way isn’t the only way things can get done. Letting go of the need for perfection is a key part of releasing control.

Fear of Failure: We’re scared that if we let go, things will fall apart. But more often than not, the fear of failure is worse than the failure itself. Letting others take the reins won’t lead to disaster—it might just lead to things getting done differently.

Identity: For many of us, control is tied to our identity. We’ve been the one holding everything together for so long that it feels like if we let go, we’ll lose a part of ourselves. But your value isn’t tied to how much you do. It’s tied to who you are.

The Benefits of Letting Go

When you let go of control and start sharing the load, something incredible happens: you create space for joy, connection, and peace. Instead of being bogged down by the pressure of doing everything, you can focus on the things that matter most to you.

Here are some of the benefits you can expect when you start letting go:

More Time for What Matters: When you stop micromanaging every little detail, you’ll find you have more time for the things that bring you joy—whether that’s spending time with your kids, pursuing a passion, or just relaxing.

Stronger Relationships: Letting others help builds trust and strengthens your relationships. Whether it’s your partner, your kids, or even your coworkers, sharing the load creates a sense of teamwork and connection.

Less Stress: The more you let go, the less stress you’ll carry. You’ll start to realize that the world won’t fall apart if you’re not in control of everything. And that realization is incredibly freeing.

How to Start Sharing Control

Okay, so we know that letting go is important, but how do we actually do it—without spiraling into panic mode?

Here are a few steps to help you start sharing control:

Identify the Swappables: As I mentioned in my previous post, not everything in your life requires you to do it. Take some time to identify which tasks are Non-Negotiables (things that only you can do) and which are Swappables (tasks that can be delegated, delayed, or shared). Once you’ve identified the Swappables, it’s time to let someone else handle them.

Trust the Process: When you start sharing control, things might not go exactly the way you would have done them. And that’s okay. Trust the process. Trust the people you’re delegating to. And most importantly, trust that the world won’t end if things aren’t done your way.

Communicate: If you’re sharing control with your partner or kids, communication is key. Have an open conversation about expectations, responsibilities, and how you can support each other. Remember, you’re a team—and teams work best when everyone knows their role.

Let Go of Perfection: This is a tough one, but it’s essential. Things won’t always be done perfectly, and that’s okay. The goal isn’t perfection—the goal is to free up your time and energy for the things that matter most.

Celebrate the Wins: Every time you let go of a little bit of control and things go well, celebrate it. Acknowledge the progress you’re making and how it’s positively impacting your life.

Letting Your Partner Step Up

For a lot of moms, one of the hardest things to let go of is control over the household and parenting tasks. Maybe you feel like your partner doesn’t do things the “right” way, or maybe you’ve just gotten so used to doing everything that you don’t even think to ask for help.

But here’s the thing: Your partner can handle it. In fact, they might even do a great job. The trick is to step back and give them the space to do things their way. Yes, they might pack the kids’ lunches differently or load the dishwasher in a way that makes you cringe. But that doesn’t mean it’s wrong—it just means it’s different.

Letting your partner step up not only lightens your load, but it also builds a sense of equality in your relationship. You’re both in this together, and by sharing the responsibilities, you’re strengthening your partnership.

Final Thoughts: The Freedom in Letting Go

At the end of the day, letting go of control is about freedom. It’s about freeing yourself from the weight of having to do everything. It’s about trusting the people in your life to step up and share the load. And most importantly, it’s about giving yourself the space to focus on what really matters—your relationships, your joy, and your well-being.

So take a deep breath, release the reins a little, and watch as your life becomes lighter, freer, and filled with more of what matters. You’ve got this. And so do the people around you.

GUEST POST: IT'S TIME WE NORMALIZE HIRING HOUSEHOLD SUPPORT

Thu, 14 Nov 2024 11:00:03 GMT

By Stephanie Fornaro, CEO of Hello, Nanny!

Seven years ago when my son was born, my husband and I vowed we would split the mental and physical load of new parenthood. But, like most new parents know, your vision of how motherhood should be doesn’t always align to reality.

Those first days and weeks were a blur. I was so in love with my baby and so resentful of my husband who despite his best efforts and unwavering support, just couldn’t meet my needs as a new mom. The middle-of-the-night feedings fell to me, as did the bouncing, rocking and shushing to quell those baby cries. How could I be so captivated by new motherhood, and still feel this boiling resentment of my partner who had the best of intentions, but just didn’t understand how I was feeling postpartum? I didn’t feel myself and then felt bad that I felt that way. Something had to change.

Admitting I Needed Help and Finally Accepting It

At one of our first pediatrician appointments I felt like a shell of myself. The doctor immediately began to ask about my wellbeing—which at the time I thought was odd since we were there to check on the health of my son. I told her that I felt like I was drowning in dirty diapers, dishes and bottles. And nothing—not even my husband—could help dig me out of this hole. It turns out that like many mothers, I was suffering from postpartum depression. At the time, I didn’t have the awareness to recognize this, but luckily, my husband and our pediatrician sensed something was off.

When our doctor gently suggested hiring outside help I immediately balked at the idea. I had the expectation that 100% of the support would come from either my husband or me. After all, we discussed it at length when I was pregnant. The thought of hiring someone to help never even crossed my mind.

But, I realized that admitting that our dynamic wasn’t working and that I needed professional help didn’t mean I was a bad mom. In fact, recognizing that there was a kink in our armor made me a better mom. So, I swallowed my pride, adjusted my expectations and agreed to hire a mother’s helper. Even saying it out loud made me feel a bit lighter.

Our mother’s helper began with us just a few hours a week—she washed bottles, helped prep dinner and held my son so I could nap or shower. She quickly grew into a full-time nanny and I realized then what motherhood could be with adequate and trustworthy support. Her support meant that I could focus on my mental wellbeing and show up in a more dedicated way as a mother.

Childcare Solutions Should Fit Your Family’s Needs

As our mother’s helper grew into a full-time nanny role, I realized that finding childcare and household support that fits your family’s needs, budget and lifestyle is not a one-size-fits-all solution. What works for one family, may not work for another. Luckily, there are numerous options and it’s up to society to normalize talking about them:

Live-in nanny

A nanny who lives with the family and provides childcare services in the family home. Live-in nannies typically have their own private room or suite and bathroom.

Live-out Nanny

A nanny provides childcare in the family home. Many families opt for this solution to help restore work-life balance. The nanny takes care of the children’s routine, which allows parents to have more space to focus on their careers without compromising their quality of family life.

Nanny Share

A nanny share is when typically two families hire one nanny to care for their children in their home. Generally, both children are around the same age.

Newborn Care Specialist

Newborn care specialists focus solely on the needs of newborns and new parents during the 4th trimester. Many are often certified and trained to provide advice on feeding, sleep, establishing routines and more.

Household Manager

Household managers oversee a family’s day-to-day operations, from handling a family’s budget to organizing events and activities to managing other household staff.

Household Assistant

In a similar vein as a household manager, a household assistant (also known as a family or personal assistant) ensures a household is operating smoothly. Responsibilities can include meal prep, pet care, calendar management and arranging travel.

Mother’s Helper

Mother’s helpers assist with household and child- and baby-related tasks while a parent is present. They can fold laundry, play with the baby or child, clean and lend an extra set of hands for the parent.

Daycare

A group childcare facility that typically offers care for infants through toddlers.

The Benefits of Quality Child Care

So much of motherhood is feeling like you’re being pulled in a thousand directions at once. And, while moms know that the push and pull will never totally go away, having quality childcare means that you’ll at least have breathing room to show up as your most authentic self, whether you’re at SAHM or you work outside of the house full-time. Quality and trustworthy childcare will help you as a mother thrive and prioritize your own wellbeing so that you can be your best self at work and your best self at home.

For children, the benefits of quality child care also have lasting impacts on their development and family happiness. According to the American Journal of Lifestyle Medicine, children who receive consistent, high-quality care develop crucial social skills , such as empathy, patience, and cooperation. These experiences build the foundation for emotional intelligence, which can influence everything from academic performance to interpersonal relationships later in life.

So, You’re Ready for Childcare. Now What?

Just like looking for a job, finding reliable childcare is a time-consuming process. Here are a few things parents should consider when starting the search:

What type of childcare solution fits your family’s needs and lifestyle, including cost and schedule.

Where to look for a caretaker. Whether you opt for a nanny or daycare, there are many ways to find the right person. From word-of-mouth referrals to agencies that streamline the entire process for you end to end (think: vetting candidates, helping you set up payroll and ensuring you’re following all local laws and restrictions), there are dozens of ways to source candidates.

Checking references. You’ll want to ensure you conduct a thorough background check, including checking references and even social media handles.

Trial days. Most families will test out a caretaker or daycare before officially making a decision. This ensures it’s a right fit for both parties.

Reclaiming My Identity as a Mom and Business Owner

Hiring a nanny literally saved my marriage and my sanity—and I know I’m not the only one who feels this way. It made me a better, more engaged and more present mother. Because of my journey, I’ve made it my life’s mission to normalize hiring household help and talking loudly about its benefits. And, I’m lucky to do this every day as the founder of Hello, Nanny ! , a boutique nanny agency that connects top-tier professionals with compatible families. There should be no stigma associated with doing something that makes you a better person and mother.

Moms Deserve More

We wouldn’t even be having much of this conversation if mothers operated in a society that gave us adequate support. Hiring household help shouldn't be a luxury reserved for those who can afford it. We deserve paid family leave, equitable access to maternal care, a society that embraces (and allows for) hiring household help and structural support that sets every mother up for success.

Empowering Mothers at Hello, Nanny!

I always say that when mothers thrive, everyone benefits. As CEO and Founder of Hello, Nanny! my mission is to make this a reality. We support mothers in all stages of motherhood, helping her find, vet and hire a nanny or household staff so she can be her best self at work or at home.

Our concierge experience combines industry knowledge with recruiting expertise, which means we streamline the entire recruiting process, provide access to our network of pre-vetted professionals and ensure that you find the perfect match for your family. We also take care of all of the busy work for you like verifying employment history and credentials, conducting a background check, auditing social media accounts, helping set you up with a payroll provider, drafting the employment agreement, coordinating interviews and trial days, and much more.

Hello, Nanny! is a bespoke service that ensures you and your nanny are set up for a long-lasting and meaningful partnership. Working with our agency is effortless because moms deserve the peace of mind that comes with knowing every detail is expertly handled. We’re here to lighten the mental and physical load of parenting so you can focus on what truly matters: being the best version of yourself for you and your family.

STOP DROWNING IN TO-DOS AND START FOCUSING ON WHAT REALLY MATTERS

Thu, 07 Nov 2024 14:30:00 GMT

Do you ever feel like you’re suffocating under an avalanche of tasks—laundry, emails, grocery shopping, meal prep, work deadlines, kids’ extracurriculars, and don’t forget that birthday party you said you’d organize? The never-ending to-do list can leave you breathless, constantly trying to catch up, yet always feeling like you’re behind.

I’ve been there. I remember when I thought that if I could just power through one more thing, one more day, I’d finally get ahead. Spoiler alert: that day never came. What did happen was burnout, exhaustion, and the realization that the endless tasks I was drowning in weren’t necessarily the things that mattered most.

This isn’t just another pep talk about time management or how to get more done in less time. Instead, we’re going to talk about how to take a hard look at your tasks, categorize them in a way that frees up your time and energy, and most importantly, how to put yourself and your values back at the center of your life.

The Myth of “Getting It All Done”

Here’s the first thing you need to accept: You will never get it all done. That idea that one day, everything will be crossed off your to-do list, your house will be perfectly clean, and your inbox will be zeroed out? It’s a lie.

Life doesn’t work like that. New tasks will always pop up. The laundry will never really be finished, and that’s okay. The goal isn’t to “do it all.” The goal is to focus on the right things.

The trick is to stop chasing the fantasy of a completely finished to-do list and start figuring out which tasks actually matter. Which ones are essential, and which ones are just busy work? Which ones align with your values, and which ones are simply weighing you down?

The Non-Negotiables vs. The Swappables

To help you regain control over your life and free up some mental space, I want to introduce you to two categories: Non-Negotiables and Swappables.

Non-Negotiables are the things in your life that you absolutely have to do. These tasks are essential for your family’s well-being and your own mental health. They could be things like feeding your kids, showing up for work, or making time for rest and self-care. They aren’t necessarily the tasks you love, but they’re the ones you cannot afford to neglect.

Swappables , on the other hand, are tasks that can be outsourced, shared, or delayed. These are the things that don’t require you to be the one doing them. Someone else can take over, or maybe you don’t need to do them at all. The trick here is to let go of control and perfectionism. You don’t need to be the one who makes every meal or folds every towel.

Start by listing out all your current responsibilities and categorize them as Non-Negotiables or Swappables. You’ll probably be surprised at how many tasks you’ve been treating as essential that are actually Swappables.

For example, does the laundry need to be folded a certain way? Could you swap that chore with your partner or delegate it to your kids? Could you hire help for cleaning once a month to reduce your mental load?

Letting Go of Perfectionism

One of the biggest challenges in freeing up your time and energy is letting go of the idea that everything needs to be perfect. Maybe you’re like me and have this deeply ingrained belief that if it’s not done a certain way, it’s not done right.

Guess what? That’s not true.

Perfectionism is sneaky . It tells you that you’re only doing enough when everything is done perfectly. But the pursuit of perfection is not only exhausting, it’s completely unnecessary. Done is better than perfect. And sometimes, good enough is truly good enough.

Here’s the thing: No one else cares about the things you obsess over. Your kids don’t care if their socks are folded or just tossed into the drawer. Your partner won’t notice if the pillows on the couch aren’t fluffed just so. And no one is going to remember that birthday party favor you spent hours creating by hand.

What they will remember is whether you were present, whether you were happy, and whether you had the energy to show up for the moments that really matter.

Creating Space for What Matters

Once you start letting go of the Swappables and the perfectionism, you’ll notice something amazing: you’ll have more time and energy for the things that actually bring you joy.

Instead of spending your Saturday morning cleaning the house, you could spend it having breakfast with your family. Instead of staying up late to finish work emails, you could take a bath and read a book. When you make space for the things that fill you up, life feels a lot less overwhelming and a lot more joyful.

Here’s a small exercise: write down three things you could let go of this week—three Swappables you could delegate, delay, or simply stop doing. Then, write down three things you wish you had more time for. Now, commit to making those swaps. Let go of what’s weighing you down and prioritize what lifts you up.

Stop Trying to Do More, and Start Doing What Matters

We live in a culture that values productivity above all else. But doing more isn’t the goal. Doing more doesn’t make you a better mom, a better partner, or a better person. What does? Doing what matters.

Ask yourself this: If I had one hour of free time today, what would I want to spend it on? What would bring me the most joy, the most peace, the most satisfaction? That’s where your focus should go.

Imagine this: a day where you wake up and feel clear about your priorities. You spend your time on things that align with your values. You leave behind the endless, draining tasks that don’t matter, and you create space for the things that do. It’s not a pipe dream—it’s completely possible if you start getting intentional about what you say yes to.

Setting Boundaries Around Your Time

One of the hardest things to do, especially for those of us who are used to being the go-to person for everything, is to set boundaries around our time. We’re so used to saying yes, to taking on more and more, that we forget we have a choice. We forget that no is an option.

Setting boundaries means protecting your time and energy. It means saying no to the things that don’t align with your values, even if it feels uncomfortable at first.

When you start setting boundaries, something amazing happens: you get your life back. You reclaim your time, your energy, and your joy. And that’s when you can start focusing on what truly matters to you.

Final Thoughts: You Don’t Need to Do It All

At the end of the day, you don’t need to do it all . You don’t need to be everything to everyone. You don’t need to finish every task on your to-do list. What you need is to do what matters most, to you and to the people you love.

By letting go of the Swappables, releasing perfectionism, and setting boundaries, you’ll find that you have more space for the things that bring you joy. And isn’t that what life is really about?

It’s time to stop drowning in the endless to-dos and start living a life that feels full—not of tasks, but of moments that matter.

ADVOCATING FOR YOUR NEURODIVERGENT CHILD: TOOLS AND STRATEGIES EVERY PARENT NEEDS

Thu, 31 Oct 2024 21:43:32 GMT

About the Episode:

In this episode of the Modern Mommy Doc Podcast, Dr. Whitney dives deep into a topic close to many parents' hearts: advocating for neurodivergent children. Whether your child has ADHD, OCD, autism, anxiety, or another neurodivergent condition, this episode is filled with actionable advice on how to be the best advocate for them.

Dr. Whitney shares her personal experience as a mom of two neurodivergent daughters and as a pediatrician guiding families. Tune in for insights on the importance of advocacy, communication tips with educators, and resources that can help you on this journey.

Key Discussion Points:

Understanding Neurodiversity:

Neurodivergence encompasses a range of conditions such as autism, ADHD, dyslexia, OCD, and more. The neurodiversity movement encourages parents to recognize these differences as part of the natural variation of human brains. Instead of seeing them as deficits, neurodiversity emphasizes the unique strengths and potential that come with these conditions.

Your child might approach problems differently, think creatively, or possess talents that neurotypical peers might not. The key is to recognize and nurture those strengths while addressing any challenges they face in everyday settings like school or social environments. By embracing your child’s neurodivergence, you teach them to value themselves as they are.

Why Advocacy is Crucial:

Advocacy is essential because neurodivergent kids often need specific accommodations or supports to reach their full potential. Without an advocate, these needs may go unnoticed, and children can struggle unnecessarily. Research has consistently shown that kids with involved parents do better in both academic and social-emotional settings.

Advocacy ensures that educators, therapists, and medical professionals understand your child’s unique challenges and strengths, which leads to more tailored approaches. For example, a child with ADHD might benefit from more movement breaks or the ability to work in shorter bursts, while a child with autism might need extra support in social situations. As a parent, you are the one who knows your child best, and being their advocate ensures that these needs are met, especially when they can’t advocate for themselves yet.

Know Your Rights:

Familiarizing yourself with the laws that protect your child’s right to an education is fundamental. The Individuals with Disabilities Education Act (IDEA) is a federal law that mandates schools to provide special education services to kids who qualify. It ensures that your child can get an Individualized Education Program (IEP), a customized plan designed to meet their unique needs.

If your child doesn’t qualify for an IEP, they might still be eligible for a 504 Plan under Section 504 of the Rehabilitation Act, which provides accommodations like extended test time, quiet environments for taking tests, or physical movement breaks during class. As a parent, it’s important to understand what your child is entitled to and advocate for their educational rights. You can learn more about these programs at the U.S. Department of Education’s website and resources like Understood.org.

Build Relationships with Educators:

Teachers, school counselors, and administrators are crucial allies in your child’s educational journey. Positive relationships with them can make a world of difference when it comes to creating a supportive learning environment. Begin by scheduling regular meetings to discuss your child’s progress and any concerns you have. When you communicate with educators, focus on both your child’s strengths and areas where they need support.

By sharing solutions you’ve found helpful at home, you help teachers tailor their approaches to what works for your child. For example, if your child with ADHD works better when given tasks broken down into smaller, manageable steps, share this information with their teacher. Establishing a positive, collaborative relationship with educators sets the stage for successful advocacy.

IEP and 504 Plans:

If your child qualifies for an Individualized Education Program (IEP) or a 504 Plan, these can be incredibly powerful tools in ensuring they get the help they need. An IEP is designed for children who qualify under IDEA, which means they need specialized instruction. It outlines specific goals, accommodations, and services the school will provide, such as speech therapy, occupational therapy, or social skills training.

A 504 Plan, on the other hand, focuses on accommodations rather than specialized instruction. It’s for children with disabilities who need adjustments in the general education classroom, such as preferential seating, modified assignments, or extended time on tests. Having these legal documents in place means the school is required to follow through on the accommodations and supports your child needs. For detailed information on these plans, visit Understood.org for IEPs and 504 Plans.

Effective Communication Strategies:

When advocating for your child, clear and respectful communication is essential. Begin by clearly stating your concerns and backing them up with specific examples. For instance, instead of saying, “The teacher doesn’t understand my child,” you could say, “My child has difficulty focusing when there is a lot of noise, and they seem to be struggling during group work. Could we discuss a strategy to help with that?”

By focusing on solutions and using “we” statements like, “I know we both want the best for Johnny,” you’re positioning yourself as a partner in your child’s education. It’s also important to listen to the school’s perspective—sometimes teachers have insights you might not have considered. Keeping the conversation solution-focused and respectful can help avoid defensiveness and build stronger, more effective collaborations.

Handling Emotional Situations:

Advocacy often brings up strong emotions. It can be incredibly frustrating to see your child struggle or to feel like their needs aren’t being met. While it’s normal to feel angry or upset, staying calm in meetings is critical to keeping the dialogue productive. Practice deep breathing before a meeting or even role-play with a partner beforehand to manage your emotions. When you keep your cool, it’s easier to stay focused on your goals for your child.

If you find yourself getting too emotional, it’s okay to take a break, step outside, and collect your thoughts before continuing. Keeping your emotions in check helps you stay clear-headed, and it’s more likely to result in productive outcomes for your child.

Resources:

Websites

Tilt Parenting: A resource for parents of neurodivergent kids. Check out TiltParenting.com .
FACT Oregon: Offers free resources and advocacy support for families in Oregon. Visit FACT Oregon .
Autism Society: National resources and support for families. Visit the Autism Society .
CHADD (Children and Adults with ADHD): Learn more about ADHD from CHADD .
Understood.org: Articles and forums about learning disabilities and neurodiversity. Visit Understood.org .
Bright & Quirky: Support for twice-exceptional (2e) children who are both gifted and have learning differences. Visit Bright & Quirky .

Books & Literature:

“The Reason I Jump” by Naoki Higashida: A powerful insight into autism. Learn more .
“ADHD 2.0” by Dr. Edward Hallowell & Dr. John Ratey: A must-read for understanding ADHD. Learn more .

Apps:

Happy Pillar: Offers real-time coaching and evidence-based parenting strategies using parent-child interactive therapy (PCIT). Check out the Happy Pillar app .

Educational Consultants:

Deborah Schafer: An educational consultant who helps navigate the IEP process and advocate effectively for children. Learn more .

Don’t forget to subscribe to the Modern Mommy Doc podcast for more conversations on how to thrive as a modern mom! Subscribe, share, and leave a review using the hashtag #ModernMommyDoc.

BREAKING FREE FROM THE GUILT TRAP: HOW TO STOP FEELING LIKE IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT

Thu, 24 Oct 2024 13:30:02 GMT

We’ve all been there—lying awake at night, replaying the day’s events, feeling the weight of every misstep, every missed moment, every little thing we could have done better. Whether it’s snapping at your kids because you’re exhausted or feeling like you’re failing at work because you had to leave early to pick up a sick child, the narrative is always the same: “It’s all my fault.”

But here’s the hard truth: it’s not all your fault. In fact, a lot of the guilt you’re carrying around isn’t yours to own. Society, culture, and even well-meaning people in your life have set you up to feel this way. You’ve been conditioned to believe that you have to do it all, be it all, and if you can’t? Well, that’s on you. I’m here to tell you that it’s time to break free from that guilt trap.

The Real Culprits Behind Your Guilt

Let’s start by getting something straight: the guilt you feel as a mom, partner, and professional isn’t just about you and your choices. It’s the result of a perfect storm of societal pressures, impossible standards, and a culture that still hasn’t caught up with the reality of what modern moms are dealing with.

We live in a world that tells women they should excel in their careers, be fully present with their kids, maintain a spotless house, and look fabulous while doing it. We’re bombarded by images on social media of other moms who seem to be doing it all effortlessly, and we’re left feeling like failures when we inevitably fall short.

On top of that, we’re often working within systems that don’t support us. Whether it’s the lack of paid family leave, the wage gap, or the expectation that women should shoulder the bulk of the emotional and domestic labor, it’s no wonder we feel overwhelmed and inadequate.

And yet, when things go wrong—when the house is a mess, the kids are acting out, or work feels like it’s falling apart—we blame ourselves.

Letting Go of the “Perfect Mom” Myth

One of the biggest sources of guilt for moms is the myth of the “perfect mom.” This idealized version of motherhood is everywhere. She’s the mom who packs organic lunches, always knows the right thing to say, never yells, and has a spotless home. She’s also completely fictitious.

Yet we still hold ourselves to this impossible standard. We believe that if we’re not constantly giving 100% to every aspect of our lives, we’re somehow failing.

The reality is that motherhood is messy. It’s full of moments where you don’t have all the answers, where you lose your patience, where things don’t go as planned. And that’s okay. It’s not a reflection of your worth as a mom or a person. It’s just life.

Why You Need to Stop Owning Every Problem

Another reason we often feel like it’s all our fault is that we take ownership of problems that aren’t ours to fix. This happens a lot in relationships, whether it’s with our kids, our partners, or at work.

We take on the emotional labor of managing everyone’s feelings, anticipating needs, and fixing problems before they even arise. When things don’t go perfectly, we internalize the blame, even when the situation is out of our control.

But here’s the thing: you’re not responsible for managing everyone else’s emotions or for fixing everything. It’s okay to let others deal with their own stuff. In fact, it’s necessary if you want to preserve your own mental and emotional well-being.

Embracing Radical Acceptance

One of the most powerful tools I’ve learned in my own journey is the concept of radical acceptance. It’s the idea that while you can’t always control what happens in life, you can control how you respond to it. And that response can either make things better or worse.

Radical acceptance means acknowledging that sometimes, things are just hard. Sometimes, no matter how well you plan, how hard you work, or how much you give, life throws you curveballs. Instead of fighting against those moments or blaming yourself for them, you accept them as part of life’s messy, unpredictable reality.

This doesn’t mean you roll over and give up. It means you stop wasting energy on guilt and self-blame, and instead focus on what you can control—your mindset, your boundaries, and how you take care of yourself in the face of challenges.

The Power of Boundaries

One of the most important steps in letting go of guilt is learning how to set boundaries. This means recognizing where your responsibility ends and someone else’s begins.

If your boss expects you to be available 24/7, but that’s impacting your ability to be present with your family, it’s okay to set limits. If your partner is leaving the bulk of the household duties to you, it’s time to have a conversation about sharing the load. And if your kids are constantly pushing your buttons, it’s okay to set firm, loving boundaries to protect your emotional well-being.

Setting boundaries doesn’t make you a bad mom, partner, or employee. It makes you a healthy, balanced person. And when you take care of yourself, you’ll have more energy and patience to give to the people and things that matter most.

How to Reframe Your Definition of Success

A huge part of letting go of guilt is redefining what success looks like for you. Right now, you might be measuring your worth by how much you get done in a day, how perfect everything looks, or how happy everyone else is. But that’s a recipe for burnout.

Instead, try reframing success in terms of how aligned your life is with your values. Did you take time today to connect with your kids, even if the house is a mess? That’s success. Did you set a boundary at work that protected your personal time? That’s success. Did you practice self-compassion instead of beating yourself up for not being perfect? That’s success.

When you start measuring your life by what truly matters to you—connection, authenticity, and well-being—the guilt will start to fade.

Final Thoughts: You Are Enough

At the end of the day, letting go of guilt is about recognizing that you are enough just as you are. You don’t need to do more, be more, or achieve more to be worthy of love and respect. You are doing the best you can in a world that often asks too much of you, and that’s more than enough.

It’s time to stop owning guilt that doesn’t belong to you. It’s time to stop blaming yourself for things outside your control. It’s time to embrace radical acceptance and start living a life that aligns with your values, not someone else’s expectations.

Remember: it’s not all your fault. And it never was.

BREAKING THE MOM CODE: TACKLING SYSTEMIC BARRIERS FOR WORKING MOMS AND RECLAIMING YOUR POWER

Thu, 17 Oct 2024 13:30:01 GMT

About the Episode:

In this episode of the Modern Mommy Doc podcast, Dr. Whitney Casares dives deep into the systemic issues that working moms face—from the gender pay gap and unpaid labor to the childcare crisis. Join her as she provides practical solutions to help mothers reclaim their power and advocate for systemic change. Whether it's pushing for paid parental leave, advocating for employer-sponsored childcare, or finding support in your community, this episode is packed with actionable advice to ease the mental load that moms carry. Tune in for insights, research-backed strategies, and inspiration for working moms trying to balance it all.

Key Discussion Points:

The Gender Pay Gap Persists:

In 2023, women earn 82 cents for every dollar a man earns, with Black women earning 63 cents and Latina women only 57 cents for every dollar earned by white men. This gap leads to long-term financial repercussions and impacts retirement savings. Source: U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics

Unpaid Labor and the Mental Load:

Women, especially mothers, are disproportionately responsible for unpaid labor like childcare and housework, often spending 3.5 hours a day on these tasks compared to men's 1.9 hours. This imbalance contributes to stress and burnout for working mothers. Source: American Time Use Survey and the 2024 Fair Play Institute Study

The Childcare Crisis:

Childcare costs are prohibitively expensive, with the average annual cost for a single child being around $13,853. For families in places like California, that cost can rise to nearly $17,000, and more than half of Americans live in "childcare deserts." Source: Child Care Aware of America

The Impact of Paid Parental Leave:

Paid parental leave reduces infant mortality by 10% and lowers the risk of postpartum depression by 47% for mothers. It also leads to higher workforce retention, with 94% of women returning to work after taking paid leave. Source: The Lancet and U.S. Department of Labor

Solutions for Working Moms:

Employer-Sponsored Childcare: Companies with onsite childcare or childcare subsidies experience 50% lower turnover rates for working moms.
Flexible Work Schedules: Allowing parents to work remotely or adjust their schedules can reduce the childcare cost burden by up to 30%.
Policy Advocacy: Groups like Moms First and Totem Women are driving change by advocating for paid leave and childcare support at the national level.

Action Steps for Listeners:

Advocate for Change: Speak to your HR department about offering more family-friendly benefits like onsite childcare or stipends. Even small conversations can build momentum for workplace improvements.
Get Involved in Policy Advocacy: Join groups like Moms First or the CareGap initiative by Mother Honestly to support campaigns for expanded child care and paid leave at the national level.
Build a Support Network: Surround yourself with like-minded working moms who understand the struggles, and explore cooperative care models like Wonder School to make childcare more affordable.

Resources:

Don’t forget to subscribe to the Modern Mommy Doc podcast for more conversations on how to thrive as a modern mom! Subscribe, share, and leave a review using the hashtag #ModernMommyDoc.

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THE LIFE YOU REALLY WANT: STOP LIVING SOMEONE ELSE'S DREAM

Thu, 10 Oct 2024 13:45:00 GMT

When I was a young pediatrician, fresh out of residency, I had a vision of my life. It was a perfectly manicured dream. I pictured myself floating through my days, balancing my career and family effortlessly, with a house that stayed clean, kids who ate all their veggies, and a partner who handled his share of the load without me needing to ask.

Everything would be perfectly in place, and I’d be nailing it in every single area. But here’s the thing: that vision was a fantasy. It wasn’t my real dream. It wasn’t even my life—it was a mishmash of societal expectations, Instagram filters, and someone else’s highlight reel. It took me years of frustration, burnout, and resentment before I realized I didn’t want that life. I wanted something much simpler, something grounded in who I am and what I truly value.

Ditch the Fantasy: Why Society's Dream is Killing Your Joy

Let’s get something out of the way: chasing after a picture-perfect life will burn you out. I know because I tried it. And even when I achieved some version of it—on the outside, at least—I was still exhausted, unhappy, and left wondering why I felt so unfulfilled. The problem wasn’t that I wasn’t good enough; the problem was that I was pursuing the wrong goals.

Society has taught us to equate success with busy schedules, spotless homes, and Pinterest-worthy lives . But those aren’t universal measures of success—they’re arbitrary standards set by a culture obsessed with productivity and perfection. If you feel like you’re always behind or like no matter how hard you work, it’s never enough, it’s because you’re chasing someone else’s version of success.

The first step in breaking free from this cycle is to get real about what you really want. Not what you think you should want. Not what your friends want. Not what your social media feed tells you to want. What you want.

What Makes Your Heart Sing?

Take a minute. Close your eyes. Think back to a moment in your life when you felt totally at peace. A time when everything felt right, even if just for a brief moment. What were you doing? Who were you with? Where were you? What feelings come up when you recall that memory?

This exercise isn’t just about reminiscing; it’s about discovering what brings you joy and fulfillment. Often, the life we really want is simpler than the life we think we should have. Maybe your moment of joy happened while you were sipping coffee in a quiet house before the kids woke up, or maybe it was during an impromptu weekend adventure with your family. These moments can offer profound insights into what we truly value.

Once you identify these moments, take note of the themes that emerge. Do you value connection over achievement? Do you crave peace and simplicity more than a full schedule? Understanding these desires is crucial to building a life that reflects your true vision—not someone else’s.

Realigning Your Life with Your Values

Now that you’ve identified what truly matters to you , it’s time to make some changes. This isn’t about turning your life upside down overnight—it’s about small, intentional shifts that will help you build a life rooted in your values.

Start by asking yourself these questions:

What can I let go of that doesn’t align with my values?
What small changes can I make to bring more joy into my daily life?
How can I rearrange my schedule to prioritize the things that matter most to me?

For example, if you find that connection with your kids is a top value, but your schedule is too packed to spend quality time with them, something has to give. Maybe that means saying no to an extra work project, letting go of the idea that your house needs to be spotless, or scheduling specific times each day for uninterrupted family time.

This process of realignment is continuous. You’ll need to check in with yourself regularly, ask these questions, and make adjustments as needed. But the more you practice aligning your life with your values, the easier it will become.

The Power of Saying No

One of the hardest but most freeing lessons I’ve learned is that saying no is a superpower . Every time you say yes to something that doesn’t align with your values, you’re saying no to something that does. It’s as simple—and as complicated—as that.

If you’re constantly saying yes to things that don’t serve you, whether it’s out of obligation, guilt, or the desire to please others, you’ll never have enough time or energy for the things that matter most. So start practicing the art of saying no. No to overcommitting. No to doing things just because you feel like you should. No to perfectionism.

Instead, say yes to rest. Yes to presence. Yes to the things that fill you up and leave you feeling fulfilled, rather than drained.

Creating Your Centered Vision

Once you’ve started saying no to the things that don’t align with your values, you can create space for what does. This is where your Centered Vision comes in. It’s your roadmap for living a life that’s in harmony with your values.

Your Centered Vision is a detailed picture of what your life would look like if it aligned with your deepest values. It’s not about manifesting a perfect life, but about creating a life that feels purposeful and aligned with what truly matters to you. It could be as simple as having more time for family dinners, more energy for self-care, or more space in your day for creative pursuits.

Small Steps, Big Changes

Remember, this process is about progress, not perfection. You don’t need to overhaul your entire life in one go. Start with small, manageable changes. Maybe you’ll block out 30 minutes each morning for quiet time before the day gets hectic. Or perhaps you’ll commit to one evening a week of uninterrupted family time. These small steps add up, and over time, they will lead to big changes.

As you work on building a life that aligns with your Centered Vision, you’ll find that you’re not just surviving—you’re thriving. You’ll have more energy, more joy, and more fulfillment because you’re living a life that’s true to you, not a life dictated by external expectations.

Final Thoughts

At the end of the day, the life you really want is the one that aligns with your values, not society’s checklist. It’s a life that feels authentic, purposeful, and full of the things that bring you joy. By creating your Centered Vision and realigning your life with your values, you’ll break free from the pressures of doing it all and start living a life that’s genuinely fulfilling.

It’s time to stop chasing someone else’s dream and start living your own. Trust me, it’s worth it.

FROM POSTPARTUM TO PERIMENOPAUSE: REAL TALK ON SEX, HORMONES, AND HEALTH WITH DRS. SARA TWOGOOD AND ALYSSA QUIMBY

Thu, 03 Oct 2024 13:30:01 GMT

About the Episode:

In this insightful and empowering episode of the Modern Mommy Doc podcast, Dr. Whitney is joined by Dr. Sarah Twogood and Dr. Alyssa Quimby, board-certified OB-GYNs from Cedars Sinai and co-founders of Fem.Ed. Together, they explore critical topics surrounding women’s sexual health, perimenopause, hormones, and the mental and physical changes that occur after childbirth and as women age. This episode dives deep into often-taboo topics with clarity and candor, offering listeners a comprehensive guide to navigating their sexual wellness.

Key Discussion Points:

Postpartum & Long-Term Sexual Health: After childbirth, many women expect their sex lives to normalize as their children grow, only to find that low libido and a lack of sexual connection with their partner continue. The doctors discuss common struggles and offer actionable solutions for reviving sexual desire in long-term relationships.

Mental Load & Relationship Dynamics: Dr. Twogood and Dr. Quimby break down how carrying the mental load of household tasks can dampen libido and disrupt intimacy. They emphasize the importance of having open, adult conversations with partners to redistribute responsibilities and improve sexual satisfaction.

Perimenopause & Hormones: The doctors explain what perimenopause looks like, including its symptoms, like mood changes, vaginal dryness, and irregular bleeding, which can start as early as the 40s. They also clarify misconceptions about hormone replacement therapy (HRT) and who should consider it.

Vaginal Health Myths: From the dangers of douching to common mistakes women make in vaginal care, Dr. Twogood and Dr. Quimby offer essential tips for maintaining vaginal health. They also debunk myths around using lubricants and encourage women to view them as tools to enhance sexual pleasure, regardless of age.

Communication & Sexual Pleasure: Many women avoid discussing sex with their partners, leading to dissatisfaction. The doctors recommend starting small with these conversations, introducing topics like lubricants or new sexual practices to open a dialogue and deepen sexual intimacy.

Empowering Female Sexuality: Dr. Casares and her guests stress the importance of female empowerment through sexual health and wellness. Whether it's learning about perimenopause or exploring new ways to enhance pleasure, women deserve to own their sexual health confidently.

About Our Guests:

Dr. Sarah Twogood: Board-certified OB-GYN at Cedars Sinai, mother of two, with a passion for educating women on sexual wellness and reproductive health.

Dr. Alyssa Quimby: Board-certified OB-GYN at Cedars Sinai, mother of two, specializing in sexual health, perimenopause, and holistic wellness for women.

Website: femalehealthed.com
Access a variety of free resources including blog posts, a weekly newsletter, and a sexual wellness workshop.
Follow on Instagram: @fem.ed

Don’t forget to subscribe to the Modern Mommy Doc podcast for more conversations on how to thrive as a modern mom! Subscribe, share, and leave a review using the hashtag #ModernMommyDoc.

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COULD AI HELP YOU BE A BETTER PARENT? WITH SAM GARDNER AND CHLOE PICOT-JACOBS FROM HAPPY PILLAR

Thu, 26 Sep 2024 15:00:04 GMT

About the Episode:

In this episode of the Modern Mommy Doc podcast, Dr. Whitney Casares sits down with Sam Gardner, CEO and co-founder of Happypillar , and Chloe Pico Jacobs, Clinical Director of the app, to discuss an innovative approach to parenting that blends technology and evidence-based strategies. Happypillar is designed to help parents tackle common behavioral challenges in children aged 2 to 7, using techniques from Parent-Child Interaction Therapy (PCIT), enhanced by AI for accessibility and scalability.

Dr. Whitney and her guests dive into the journey of developing this app, which uses AI to give real-time feedback to parents during playtime sessions, helping them improve their interactions with their children. Sam shares her personal struggles as a parent, how PCIT transformed her relationship with her child, and why she was inspired to create Happypillar to help other parents going through similar challenges. Chloe, a licensed clinical social worker, explains the evidence behind PCIT, how the app works, and addresses concerns around privacy and data security.

About Our Guests:

Sam Gardner: CEO and co-founder of Happypillar, who developed the app based on her own experience as a parent using PCIT.

Chloe Pico Jacobs: Licensed clinical social worker and Clinical Director at Happypillar, specializing in child mental health and parent-child relationships.

Episode Takeaways:

Understanding PCIT: Chloe outlines the basics of Parent-Child Interaction Therapy, a proven therapeutic modality for children ages 2 to 7 that focuses on strengthening the parent-child bond through non-directive play.

How Happypillar Works: The app uses AI to give parents feedback based on their interactions with their child, helping them adopt PCIT techniques. It’s designed to be easy, with just 5 minutes of daily commitment.

AI and Accessibility: Sam explains how AI helps make therapeutic strategies more accessible to families who may not have the time or resources to access traditional therapy, especially in rural or underserved communities.

Real-Life Impact: Both Sam and Dr. Casares share personal stories of how evidence-based therapy transformed their parenting experience and helped them address behavioral issues in their children.

Privacy and Data Security: The team explains how Happypillar prioritizes user privacy by encrypting all data and only recording interactions during scheduled "Happy Time" sessions initiated by the parent.

Discussion Points:

The mental health crisis in children and how traditional therapeutic approaches may not be accessible to all families.

The role of technology in modern parenting—using AI to support, not replace, the parent-child relationship.

How the app provides busy parents with practical tools to reduce tantrums and challenging behaviors, while also lowering stress.

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TURNING TRAGEDY INTO TRIUMPH: HEATHER SALAZAR'S MISSION WITH PINK RIBBON GOOD

Thu, 19 Sep 2024 13:45:00 GMT

About the Episode:

In this heartfelt and inspiring episode of the Modern Mommy Doc podcast, Dr. Whitney Casares is joined by Heather Salazar, President and CEO of Pink Ribbon Good (PRG). Heather shares her deeply personal journey, from adopting a baby girl whose mother battled breast cancer to her own cancer diagnosis, and how these experiences led her to start PRG—a nonprofit organization providing essential services to families affected by breast and gynecological cancers.

About Our Guest:

Heather Salazar: CEO of Pink Ribbon Good, a nonprofit that provides free services such as meals, house cleaning, and transportation to women and families facing breast and gynecological cancers.

Episode Topics:

Heather’s Journey: Heather recounts her emotional and inspiring story of meeting a young mother battling cancer, adopting her child, and later being diagnosed with the same type of breast cancer.

Founding Pink Ribbon Good (PRG): Learn how Heather turned her experience into action, creating PRG to provide meals, house cleaning, transportation to treatments, and peer support to cancer patients and their families.

The Importance of Community Support: Heather and Dr. Casares discuss the critical role that emotional and logistical support plays for families battling cancer, often making the difference between surviving and thriving.

Facing Breast Cancer: Heather candidly shares the fear and frustration of battling breast cancer, and how she found strength to keep going through divine appointments and serendipitous meetings.

PRG’s Growth: Discover how PRG scaled from a small local organization to a national nonprofit, serving families across multiple regions with essential services during cancer treatment.

Key Takeaways:

Empowering through Adversity: Heather’s story is a powerful testament to resilience, turning personal struggles into a mission to help others.

Building a Support Network: Pink Ribbon Good doesn’t just support cancer patients; it supports their families with vital services to ease the burden during treatment.

Cancer's Toll and Triumphs: While cancer brings immense challenges, Heather shares how she has found moments of growth, joy, and purpose through her journey.

Women in Leadership : Heather’s path in building and leading a nonprofit shows the importance of boldness, asking for help, and surrounding yourself with strong mentors and partners.

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HOW TO GET YOUR BABY, TODDLER OR TEEN TO SLEEP WAY BETTER WITH DR. AFOLABI-BROWN

Thu, 12 Sep 2024 15:00:03 GMT

About the Episode:

In this episode, Dr. Funke Afolabi-Brown, a sleep medicine expert, joins the Modern Mommy Doc podcast to discuss restful sleep for kids AND parents. She and Dr. Whitney explore the challenges toddlers, kids, and teenagers face in getting enough sleep and the impact it has on their mental health. Dr. Brown emphasizes the importance of consistency, routines, and creating a sleep-friendly environment for better sleep. She also addresses the use of melatonin and sleep aids, recommending that behavioral strategies and healthy sleep habits be prioritized before considering medication.

About Our Guest:

Dr. Funke Afolabi-Brown is a triple-board-certified sleep medicine physician and the founder of www.therestfulsleepplace.com . She is passionate about helping people discover sleep as their superpower. Dr. Brown is a clinician , speaker , consultant , and coach , and she helps busy professionals and their children prioritize sleep to thrive, achieve optimal health, and live to their fullest potential.

As a physician in practice for almost two decades and a mom of two who struggled with sleep issues, she fully understands the impact of sleep deprivation on our mental, physical, and emotional health. As a result, she has dedicated her career to helping others optimize and achieve restful sleep.

Dr. Brown is a member of the American Academy of Sleep Medicine (AASM) and the American Thoracic Society (ATS). She has served on several committees locally, regionally, and nationally. She is also on several advisory boards, including Baby Center, Project Sleep, and Primasun.

Dr. Brown obtained her sleep medicine training at the University of Pennsylvania and was a member of the faculty at the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia until recently.

Episode Takeaways:

Teenagers, kids, and parents often struggle to get enough sleep due to physiological changes, early school start times, and external pressures.

Consistency, routines, and a sleep-friendly environment are key to improving sleep for both moms and teenagers.

Behavioral strategies and healthy sleep habits should be prioritized before considering the use of melatonin or sleep aids.

Dr. Brown offers resources and courses on her website, www.therestfulsleepplace.com , to help parents and teens improve their sleep.

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HOW TO HELP YOUR KIDS TO STOP FREAKING OUT WITH CARLA NAUMBURG

Thu, 05 Sep 2024 15:00:03 GMT

About the Episode:

In this episode, Dr. Whitney interviews Carla Naumburg about her new book, How to Stop Freaking Out: The Ultimate Guide to Keeping Cool When Life Feels Chaotic.

It's a book for kids all about learning to manage overwhelming emotions. They also talk about the importance of self-compassion and normalizing the experience of losing control. The book provides practical tips and techniques for both kids and parents to regulate their emotions and navigate difficult moments.

About Our Guest:

Carla Naumburg, PhD, LICSW is a clinical social worker and the author of five books, including the bestselling How to Stop Losing Your Sh*t with Your Kids and its forthcoming middle-grade companion How to Stop Freaking Out . Her writing has appeared in The New York Times, The Washington Post, The Huffington Post, CNN, and Mindful Magazine, among other places. Carla lives in Massachusetts with her husband and two daughters.

Episode Takeaways:

Losing control and freaking out is a normal part of being human, and it's important to have self-compassion and not feel ashamed or embarrassed about it.

There are different types of freak-outs, including fight, flight, freeze, flip out, and fix. Recognizing your own patterns can help you better understand and manage your emotions.

Practicing self-care, such as getting enough sleep, exercise, and fresh air, can help reduce the likelihood of losing control.

Teaching kids strategies for calming down, such as deep breathing, movement, and engaging in activities they enjoy, can help them regulate their emotions.

It's important to create a safe and non-judgmental space for kids to express their emotions and seek support when needed.

Social media can be both helpful and harmful when it comes to parenting advice. It's important to be discerning and focus on content that promotes empathy, understanding, and realistic expectations.

CONTROL IS OVERRATED, SO GIVE SOME OF IT AWAY

Thu, 29 Aug 2024 13:30:09 GMT

This week, I'm sharing a sneak peek from Doing it All: Stop Over-Functioning and Become the Mom and Person You're Meant to Be , Chapter 3.

“I DON’T WANNA RULE THE WORLD, just wanna run my life.”

In 1986, Janet Jackson came out with her song, “Control,” and I knew she was talking to me. I was only five, but that woman already recognized my deep need to manage my entire life, to keep my hand in all the things that affected me. I wanted

to pack my own bags for family vacations. I didn’t need to go to the bathroom before getting tucked in for the night. Why on earth wouldn’t my parents let me have dessert before dinner—didn’t they know I could handle my sugar intake without them?

Now that I’m in my forties, “Control” still rings true—mostly. If I’m being honest, I don’t really want to be in charge of everything . It sounds dreamy to be able to hand off the meal planning, grocery shopping, and meal prep to someone else! But then Scott comes home with the wrong kind of cracker (that I know the kids won’t eat), and the lack of control makes me all dark and twisty inside. Especially because I know I could have done it better myself.

The thing that saves me from throwing a head-on-the-ground, toddler-style tantrum when things aren’t done my way (other than remembering my way isn’t always the right way) is remembering my Centered Vision. When we choose to pursue a life of purpose and meaning, we choose to focus our time, energy, and resources on what matters most to us. And rosemary gluten-free crackers are not at the top of that list. Keeping that perspective allows me to loosen my grip on the things that affect me, but don’t need to be controlled by me. In other words, the Swappables .

If micromanaging were an Olympic sport, most moms I know would be gold medal winners.

They truly are champions at keeping a stranglehold on the minutiae of their family’s lives, as well as their own personal and professional endeavors. And you have to ask yourself, why? Why don’t we ask for help more often from our partners, from our coworkers, or from our kids? The truth is that it’s not just about control. The answers are rooted in sexism, tradition, and the following factors:

SELF-RELIANCE: We feel like it takes even more effort to involve anyone else. Imagine asking your kid to unload the dishwasher . . . and then hav- ing to put everything back in its rightful place. Think about asking a team member to fold all the shirts in the menswear department, only to find them sloppily arranged. It’s aggravating just to think about it.

OVERACHIEVING: We feel like we should do it all ourselves and that it looks weaker when we have to ask for help. We think we overachievers don’t (or shouldn’t) need any help from anyone. And we feel terrible about ourselves when we inevitably do.

OVERFUNCTIONING: We’re used to overfunctioning. For many of us, toxic productivity is our modus operandi. It feels normal to run around at 100 miles an hour with everyone depending on you for everything. Even though it’s terrible for us to stay in a state of hyperactivity both profession- ally and personally, it feels abnormal not to.

MOM STANDARDS: It may not get done to our standards if we ask someone else to do it for us. Again, think of the dishwasher.

EMOTIONAL BANDWIDTH: There’s a big risk of even more resentment, disappointment, and frustration if it’s not done by someone else in a timely manner, if we have to nag them to do it, or if it’s not done at all. We don’t have the emotional bandwidth for this. So often, we just avoid it by doing everything ourselves.

TRADITIONAL GENDER NORMS: Discrimination and bias dictate that those who are less privileged and more oppressed get stuck with the grunt work more often. And even though societal and workplace norms are changing, they aren’t changing fast enough. Persistent, systemic racism and generational conditioning mean there’s still an unfair and inequitable division of labor based on factors like gender and racial status everywhere we turn.

The odds are stacked against us. They have been for generations. We’re the default (or “shefault”) team members in our homes and at work. While some of it is our doing (or just our perpetuating), most of it definitely is not.

You Can’t Control Everything, but You Can Control This

You’re not in charge of the way the world treats you. Try as we might, it’s hard to change how other people operate, at least in a timeframe that meets our needs. We’re not going to end discrimination or bias overnight. That kind of advocacy takes years and sometimes generations of work. But we can:

CHANGE the unhelpful thought patterns that keep us in “servant mode” and out of “delegation mode” right now.

DECIDE if we’re going to keep trying to meet the unhealthy standards the world feeds us for managing our home and work lives or if we’re ready to choose a path that works better for us.

BRING AWARENESS to self-imposed pressure to do it all and be it all.

LEARN TO REST instead of saying yes to toxic productivity .

PRACTICE RADICAL ACCEPTANCE around what our partners and parenting villages are capable of contributing (and their willingness to do so) and make other plans if they won’t step up to the plate.

LEARN how to build more equity in your home and at work.

It turns out you have more control than you thought you did."

Your Next Steps

Want to read more? Check out Doing it All: Stop Over-Functioning and Become the Mom and Person You're Meant to Be in paperback, eBook, and audiobook.

PUTTING LAUNDRY IN ITS PLACE

Thu, 22 Aug 2024 13:30:00 GMT

This week, I'm sharing a sneak peek from Doing it All: Stop Over-Functioning and Become the Mom and Person You're Meant to Be , Chapter 3.

" I’M STUCK IN THE MIDDLE SEAT of a crowded Alaska Airlines flight, headphones in, Beyoncé’s

Lemonade blaring in both AirPods, a lukewarm coffee on the tray table. I’m completely in the zone—focused, caffeinated, and ready to do my best, most productive work. There’s something about purposefully confining myself to a familiar space in familiar clothes with a familiar soundtrack in my ears that tells my brain it’s get-shit-done time.

It’s not just the lack of distractions that sets me free to do deep work. The airline industry has ensured over the past ten years that even the most dedicated solitude- seeking entrepreneur could stay connected with cheap wireless Internet and messaging access in-flight. If I wanted to spend the entire trip sending Bitmojis to my kids and pinging my Modern Mommy Doc team, I could. But I don’t. Because it’s here, in this space—confined, right foot falling asleep, planning my one trip to the bathroom based on my seatmate’s nap schedule—that my brain always knows what to do.

Working on a plane is a habit for me. This is a place where I’ve practiced working, like the bustling coffee shops where I spent hours and hours studying to pass my medical school and pediatrics board certification exams. On an airplane, my mind is conditioned to settle in and pay attention as soon as I stow my jacket and buckle my seatbelt, “Freedom” and “Don’t Hurt Yourself” drowning out the rest of the world for the next five hours. When I need to get to all the tasks I can’t escape as the CEO of my small company, like writing thought pieces or budgeting for the year, up above the clouds in a 747 is my favorite place to be.

We all have tasks on our to-do list that we have to do—some that we don’t mind doing and some that we can’t stand (budgeting, I’m looking at you).

In an ideal world, we would delegate or stop doing these tasks. Unfortunately, we can’t because (a) there’s really no one else to do them; (b) it would cost too much money; or (c) the oversight doesn’t feel worth the time investment. These are the Non- Negotiables: the tasks in your life that are yours and yours alone, for whatever reason. For a manager in a corporate setting, they might include writing emails or completing performance reviews. For a sales associate at a retail store, they might be performing inventory at closing time or organizing merchandise. At home, the Non-Negotiables are tasks like laundry, dishes, making lunches, or prepping dinner, depending on how you divide chores with others in your family or parenting village. Don’t worry—not everything will be yours to do in this model. In the next chapter, we’ll explore the Swappables: tasks you need to automate or delegate to others so you have less on your plate in general.

To deal with the Non-Negotiables, you have to create systems and rely on smart organizational tools that make it easier for you to accomplish the tasks, the Non-Negotiables are all about efficiency and productivity. “Harder, better, faster, stronger”—that’s the way to attack this corner of the Centered Life Blueprint.

I honed my organization and energy conservation skills by necessity, knowing that the stress of keeping countless patients alive and meeting my attending physicians’ expectations during my medical training required it. You learn how to follow a strict set of algorithms that ensure accuracy and speed when you’re checking the ventilation settings and vital signs of a dying infant in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit every four hours. One look on a worried parent’s face assures you that making an urgent phone call to a specialist deserves more time and attention than a pile of paperwork and emails. “Never let a decision that can wait stand in the way of a decision that can kill someone,” a mentor once taught me when I started out in private practice. Those are wise words I’ll never forget and that have profoundly influenced how I manage less important forks in the time management road, as a healthcare professional, as a mom, and as a business owner. But you shouldn’t have to find yourself in a life-and-death scenario to learn how to make the most of your time. That’s what this chapter is for.

The Non-Negotiables look different for everyone depending on their professional and personal circumstances.

Some of the Non-Negotiables in your friend’s life may not be the Non-Negotiables in yours. But no matter what they look like, we all have things on our plates that we’re stuck with, no matter how hard we wish them away. In my home, my husband does the dishes and I take the kids to school. My kids clean their bedrooms, but I clean the bathrooms. At work, my medical assistant rooms the patients, but I have to document their visits.

Laundry was on my client Carmen’s Non-Negotiables list. For a long time, it felt like it literally ran her life. Daily tasks like scrubbing dishes, sanitizing bathrooms, and picking up toys were also on her list. They used to take up the majority of her waking hours with her children. Even if she wasn’t actively performing all her endless household chores, they were still on her mind as she drove to her job at Walmart, to her night classes at the local community college after work, and back home again. So were things like paying her gas bill, getting her dog groomed, and planning her next vacation. Carmen’s to-do list was a mile long, and during times she could have been mentally present with her kids, her mind was usually elsewhere.

That kind of day in, day out mental load takes a toll, especially when family chores and responsibilities are not the only things weighing you down. For the first four years of her motherhood journey, she did it all, and looked good doing it from the outside. On the inside, she was a ball of stress—perpetually tired, always on the verge of snapping, and quite frankly, hardly ever mindful. In order to care for what she really cared about more effectively, she had to decide that the minute tasks of her daily schedule were less important than her Center Points. She had to learn how to put everything in its place, including the laundry.

Tackling the Non-Negotiables

The key to making the Non-Negotiables less overwhelming and time-consuming for Carmen—and for anyone else who feels like revolving daily tasks are at the center of her life instead of her Centered Vision—is to differentiate between responsibilities and projects. This differentiation is organizational business coach Katie Matusky’s magic formula for getting the Non-Negotiables done with the least amount of effort and in the fastest way possible. Once you do, you’ll spend less time on the small, inconsequential, rotating items on your personal to-do list (like tidying up your office every day) and more time on the deeper work you need to do but keep putting off because you can never get to it (like organizing all five of your file cabinets).

Responsibilities are activities in your life that can be defined as:

1. Not having an end date

2. A standard you’ve set for yourself that you need to maintain

Think laundry, dishes, and spot cleaning at home or answering emails and documenting client calls at work. For example, if you’ve decided (either consciously or subconsciously) that at your house, you’ll load the dishwasher after every meal and have every counter clear at the end of the night, that’s the standard you’ve set for kitchen cleanup. It’s a never-ending responsibility. As soon as you finish the task, the dishes start piling up again and your work in the kitchen starts again.

Projects are defined as:

A series of tasks linked to a goal
Action items that fall off of your to-do list once they’re complete

Think organizing your garage, cleaning out your closet, and painting the baby’s room at home or redesigning a website for a client at work. These aren’t to-dos you do every day, all day long. They are larger activities that happen less frequently. Projects make you feel accomplished and satisfied when you tackle them, but they can be overwhelming to start and stick with because they take multiple, small steps to complete, whereas responsibilities are usually simpler and faster. For example, if one of your projects is to complete your taxes, you have to collect all your paperwork, document your deductions, make an appointment with your accountant, and submit your final return. All of that takes planning and time.

Even though it feels amazing to complete projects, often we don’t get to them because while they’re less consequential, our responsibilities eat up more of our time. Frequently, we end our days feeling like we didn’t do much at all, even though we actually ran to and fro for hours. That can make us feel discouraged and unmotivated. Katie’s four-step formula, though, allows us to spend more time on our projects and less on our responsibilities, helping us move the needle forward toward our bigger goals.

Your Next Steps

Want to read more? Check out Doing it All: Stop Over-Functioning and Become the Mom and Person You're Meant to Be in paperback, eBook, and audiobook.

THE STATE OF MATERNAL SUPPORT REPORT WITH MOMCOZY

Thu, 15 Aug 2024 15:00:02 GMT

About the Episode:

May 15, 2024, Momcozy released its annual State of Maternal Support Report shedding light on whether Millennials and Gen Z feel supported in motherhood. The new study surveyed 1,187 pregnant and new moms to reveal that 67% of moms wished for more emotional support and more assistance with childcare or household tasks while 46% craved more social connections.

Listen in as Momcozy's Lalaina Roberts talks more about what the Report found, and why it matters so much for working women.

Episode Takeaways:

Working moms face unique challenges and need support to balance their personal and professional lives.
Maternal mental health is crucial and should be prioritized.
Mom Cozy provides products and initiatives to support moms throughout their motherhood journey.
The study commissioned by Mom Cozy highlights the lack of socialization among moms and the need for more support from partners.
The Mom Cozy Care Program offers resources and support for moms, including educational webinars and a Facebook community.

IT'S NOT ALL YOUR FAULT

Thu, 01 Aug 2024 13:30:01 GMT

This week, I'm sharing a sneak peek from Doing it All: Stop Over-Functioning and Become the Mom and Person You're Meant to Be , Chapter 2.

"DR. WHITNEY?” MY NURSE IS STANDING in the office doorway, looking panicked. “Did you see the phone note I sent you? There’s a very angry mom who says she needs to talk with you right now.” I take a deep breath and flip to my patient panel screen, doing a mental run-through of my appointments from the last week. When you’re a pediatrician, you take care of kids and their parents. Most of the time, it means celebrating first teeth and first steps with collective delight. Sometimes, it means soothing upset, frazzled, and overwhelmed moms and dads.

“It’s Ganeesha Clark,” the nurse says, still shaken. “She hung up on me. That’s so out of character for her.”

I’ve known Ganeesha, a single mom of four, since I started out in private practice eleven years ago. She works full-time at an accounting firm to support herself and her kids. I was there at the hospital when her first baby girl was born. She brought her three-year-old boy to me when he fell over a laundry basket and sliced his forehead on a coffee table. I still remember the hot tears running down both of their faces as I repaired his skin and handed him a prize for his bravery. His were tears of pain and hers of relief.

We sat in the exam room sharing tissues when her youngest son, Booker, was diagnosed at the age of two with a rare rheumatologic disorder, requiring immu- nosuppressants, weekly doctor’s visits, and, eventually, hospitalizations. I was the first person Ganeesha called when the specialists initially learned more about his accompanying asthma and thyroid condition. She didn’t need my advice. She needed my support. She needed someone to remind her she was strong enough to handle this. We’ve been through a lot together.

I scan the nurse’s notes quickly to get a better sense of what’s going on before I call Ganeesha back. I know her oldest daughter, Charity, has been struggling with anxiety and panic attacks, and that months ago, Charity saw one of our in-house therapists for a few sessions. I also know Ganeesha cut back on her hours at work when Booker’s daycare closed. Ganeesha told me during their last wellness visits that the family’s stress levels remain at an all-time high. She has been exhausted as she tries to keep up with her work responsibilities and kids’ needs.

“Dr. Whitney?” I hear Ganeesha’s voice break on the other line. She sounds almost like she’s in physical pain. I take another deep breath, this time out of concern for a mom and kids I care deeply about. “Charity is so much worse,” she begins. “I don’t know what to do. Her panic attacks are escalating. They’re happening every single day now. She has stomachaches. She’s having trouble sleeping. Her head hurts all the time. I asked to set up an appointment with a different therapist at your office because things are so bad, and they said we’d need to go somewhere else in the community for counseling unless we saw the same therapist we saw last time. But that just won’t work . . .”

She pauses. I can tell that she is unsure if she should disclose this next part.

“Dr. Whitney, the last time we met with that therapist, she kept talking with me about how because I placed so much attention on Booker, Charity was suffer- ing. She said this happens all the time with siblings of special needs kids. She didn’t mean to, but she made it sound like it was all my fault. I just can’t . . .”

Ganeesha’s voice breaks again. The weight of that statement hits me full force, pounding against my chest, settling in my bones. All my fault. I’ve heard that phrase uttered countless times from women in my Portland, Oregon, pediatrics practice and in the Modern Mommy Doc community, which reaches a national audience. It’s one I’m all too familiar with in my own life. I used to whisper it to myself as I tried to juggle the heavy expectations of working mom life. It’s what I felt as I operated from the intersection of “I can do it all,” and “It’s all up to me.” I can feel Ganeesha’s pain through the phone. I keep listening.

“I was so upset just now with your nurse, I hung up,” Ganeesha says. “I know I’ve had to pour everything into Booker. I know Charity has gotten the short end of the stick. I think every single day about what life would be like for her if she didn’t have to live with a mom who’s preoccupied by his medical issues. I know I’ve been trying harder than ever to keep my foot in the door at work and at home, to not lose a job I really love, to keep my kids even halfway okay. But somehow none of it is enough.”

If Ganeesha’s story sounds familiar to you, you’re not alone. Countless working mothers today feel stressed, angry, and abandoned. Every day, we’re pulled in a million different directions with demands on our attention, time, and energy coming from a head-spinning number of sources: kids, work, home, friends, self-care, and screens. Then, there’s the systemic challenges: reinforced gender roles at home, the motherhood penalty at work, and a lack of structural or policy changes (like paid family leave or childcare) to relieve the heavy burden. These problems have long existed but have been greatly exacerbated in the last few years. Is it any wonder studies emerge daily citing an increased exhaustion gap, parental burnout, and mom rage? Working moms are conflicted: Too often we feel like we’re not doing enough even while we feel simultaneously like we have nothing more to give.

Ganeesha’s story was familiar to me too. For years I bought the lie that over-productivity, hustle culture, self-martyrdom, and finely-honed perfectionism would be the answer to working mom success. Facing depression and anxiety, a mountain of education and consumer debt, my daughter’s mental health crises, and a broken marriage—all while helping patients every day—brought me to my knees. These challenges exposed my flawed ideas about what it means to be successful in the workplace, as a parent, and as a human being.

Back then, I was exhausted, angry, and yearning for reprieve. At the same time, I was resigned to the idea that unless the systemic issues change, we’ll never have a fighting chance at peace and happiness. The problem is, what if they don’t change? What if it takes forever to change? Are you willing to wait until things get better outside of yourself in order for things to get really, really good inside?

For me, the answer was no. I knew that, systemic injustices aside, even waiting for circumstances in my own home to improve was untenable. I decided that I was not willing to wait. I wouldn’t brush aside grief and disappointment. I wouldn’t ignore injustices and oppression in my workplace and beyond, but I would accept the reality of my more-than-slightly-messed-up life and this completely crazy world while finding solutions that helped me thrive within it. I chose to embrace the concept of radical acceptance: the idea that the sooner we acknowledge a challenge, the sooner we can make a plan to deal with it—a plan for the short- term (what am I doing to address and exist within the reality in my life today?) and longer-term (how can I advocate for change to eventually make it better?).

The benefits of radical acceptance are manifold( less anxiety, disappointment, and resentment for one thing). After learning about it, I decided to start building a more impermeable barrier to life’s second arrows by separating what I could control (my perspective, the way I took care of myself, and the way I spent my time, energy, and focus) from what I could not (basically everything around me). Staying helpless or believing it was all my fault was no longer an option.

From that moment on, I chose to live by this truism: We can’t change what we can’t change. If we can change it, it often takes much longer than we want to make even small progress. But we can do something really, really powerful every single moment of every single day. We can adjust our definition of success away from an idealized fantasy of manifested bliss in a world with no problems and toward a life that’s purposeful and aligned and one that holds true despite the first arrows that keep flying at our faces. "

Your Next Steps

Want to read more? Check out Doing it All: Stop Over-Functioning and Become the Mom and Person You're Meant to Be in paperback, eBook, and audiobook.

CUT THE FLUFF: WHY CLUTTER ISN'T JUST STEALING YOUR TIME, IT'S ALSO ADDING TO YOUR MENTAL LOAD

Thu, 25 Jul 2024 13:30:00 GMT

About Our Guest:

Whitney Casares, MD, MPH, FAAP, is a practicing board-certified pediatrician, author, speaker, and full-time working mom. Dr. Whitney is a Stanford University-trained private practice physician whose expertise spans the public health, direct patient care, and media worlds. She holds a Master of Public Health in Maternal and Child Health from The University of California, Berkeley, and a Journalism degree from California Polytechnic State University, San Luis Obispo. She is also CEO and Founder of Modern Mommy Doc.

Dr. Whitney advocates for the success of career-driven caregivers in all facets of their lives, guiding them toward increased focus, happiness, and effectiveness despite the systemic challenges and inherent biases that threaten to undermine them. She speaks nationally about her Centered Life Blueprint, which teaches working caregivers how to pay attention to what matters most amid pressure, at multibillion-dollar corporations like Adidas and Nike, and at executive-level conferences. She is a spokesperson for the American Academy of Pediatrics and medical consultant for large-scale organizations, including Good Housekeeping magazine, Gerber, and L’Oreal (CeraVe). Her work has been featured in Forbes, Thrive Global, and TODAY Parenting. She is a regular contributor to Psychology Today.

Dr. Whitney practices medicine in Portland, Oregon, where she and her husband raise their two young daughters.

About the Episode:

In this episode, Dr. Whitney discusses the reasons why we feel cluttered, such as the chaotic pace of life, the feeling of control that clutter gives us, and the outward sign of an inside problem. She also talks about the importance of decluttering and how it can lead to more freedom, time, and space. Dr. Whitney provides practical tips for decluttering both our physical and mental spaces.

Episode Takeaways:

Decluttering can help us create more freedom, time, and space in our lives.
Physical clutter is often a reflection of an inside problem, such as anxiety or stress.
Mental clutter can be caused by societal pressure, toxic productivity, and a need for self-worth through over-functioning.
Intentionally scheduling white space and auditing our schedules can help us tackle mental clutter.
A full life isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it's important to prioritize and focus on what truly matters.

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I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I WANT, WHAT I REALLY, REALLY WANT

Thu, 18 Jul 2024 13:30:00 GMT

This week, I'm sharing a sneak peek from Doing it All: Stop Over-Functioning and Become the Mom and Person You're Meant to Be , Chapter 1.

"When my daughters were still young, Portland endured one of the coldest Januarys on record. That year, my family spent way too much time huddled inside our two-story bungalow, staring at its imperfections and feeling cramped. The longer we struggled through “snowmaggedon,” the more and more house listings my husband Scott texted me. I wasn’t surprised—he’d been wanting to sell our fixer-upper and upgrade to a home with more square footage and a better kitchen for two years.

“We’d be happier with more room and fewer creaky doors,” he told me.

I didn’t necessarily disagree. When we bought our first home, in the peak of the 2008 recession, we had the real estate wherewithal of one-year-olds. It was in a good neighborhood, but it was the tiniest excuse for a dwelling place on the block. When we first moved in, we recruited all our friends to paint over the 1980s pastel stenciling in the kitchen and living room and respackle a textured gold wall in the nursery. We eventually upgraded the plumbing, bathrooms, heating, and roof and even refinished the basement, trying to create more nooks and crannies for our kids to escape to on rainy Pacific Northwest days. By the time that snowy January blew in, that pig had just about all the lipstick it could take. I started thinking that maybe we had outgrown it. Maybe it was time to move on—you know, from a practical standpoint.

But I got stuck on the word happier. While Scott showed me dream properties with new roofs, new appliances—a porch even!—it sparked a different yearning in me. Yes, more space would be nice, but even as Scott detailed all the reasons we should relocate, I realized that more space wouldn’t fix what we were really yearning for: a life with less clutter, more calm, and more satisfaction. Those were things that we could have here, in this tiny house, in this life we were living right at that moment. It wasn’t the space and the new appliances he was craving. He was searching for a better existence. I was, too.

If I’m being honest, for a long time, I thought that a better existence meant more than just happiness. It meant perfection. I believed Oprah when she told me The Secret was the answer to all of life’s quandaries—that if I just had enough positive energy, I would attract only positive things in my life, and that I could use the power of positive thinking to achieve anything I imagined. I built vision boards and manifested a blessed life, just like the most renowned self-help speakers told me to. But it never worked because—and this is going to be hard for some of you to hear—life doesn’t actually work that way. Here in reality, life is full of circumstances we can’t control, even if we want to, and sometimes, it throws us curveballs. I learned that in the earliest stages of motherhood with Makena. And, while at first that left me jaded (and downright irritated) with the manifesters, eventually it inspired me to find a way to make vision boards and self-belief work here in the real world.

The trick I discovered was to tweak my manifestation energies away from focusing on concrete statements about what I would achieve, toward intentions about how I would act or who I would be. It was to create a set of goals for my life that didn’t depend on the stars aligning or me attracting the right energy, but rather on me staying true to my values and priorities. I didn’t actually want more money. I wanted to be satisfied. I didn’t need more things. I needed more meaning. A dress size 2 was not the answer. Physical and mental energy were. I wasn’t looking for life to be flaw- less. I was looking for it to be purposeful. How would I know I’d found what I was searching for? I’d know because I would have meaning and fulfillment, not because of my material means or circumstances, but in spite of them.

I started reading scientific literature about cognitive behavioral therapy principles like radical acceptance and listening to academic thought leaders who specialized in goal setting. I learned from experts about using visualization to understand my core values and priorities. Then, I used the idea of a traditional vision board, coupled with the insights I gained from my research, to use my refined visualization techniques to define a life—a real life, not a fantasy life—where I was the mother, partner, professional, and person I’d always wanted to be. I named this vision of a purposeful, aligned life the Centered Vision, and it became the foundation of the Centered Life Blueprint.

Developing my Centered Vision didn’t make me a millionaire, but it did give me this:

Abundance instead of overwhelm
Alignment instead of confusion
Clarity instead of inner conflict
Energy instead of exhaustion
Excitement about the life I lead instead of dread to start the day
Purpose instead of distraction
Peace instead of resentment

What Is the Centered Vision?

Your Centered Vision is what your life would look like if all your values and priorities played out in your life—if what was really important to you aligned with what your life actually looked like. Practically speaking, it’s a visual image—a detailed, inspired snapshot—that represents your aligned, purposeful life. One that, by the end of this chapter, you’ll be able to call up at will, whenever you need a reminder of what’s really important.

To develop your Centered Vision, you need to get honest about what your life could look like if you were at your best, doing what really filled you up, in a life that you love. It’s not about manifesting your way to a full-time personal chef, no-limit credit card, and permanent vacation status—that’s a fantasy. Instead, it’s about imagining a life where you’re deeply connected to yourself and to what gives you meaning and purpose.

Here’s what my Centered Vision looks like:

I’m sitting on a sunlit balcony, again with those cheap Target curtains framing my view. I look out onto a vast, expansive ocean. It stretches to the horizon, an endless sea of possibility. The waves are calm and still. The water laps gently onto the beach below me, almost silent as it lands on the shore. Makena and Mireia leap and jump to an inaudible soundtrack, dancing in the white foam together, then apart, and then together again. They fall and pick themselves up. They suddenly turn and sprint toward me, crashing into my arms. I scoop them up, and we spin around. In a flash, they wave, turn, and revisit their make-believe theater performance down on the sand, just as happy to play on their own as they are to dance with me.

I have a massive mug of coffee in my hands that somehow never gets cold, even though it’s breezy enough to make me wrap a lush, fuzzy blanket around myself to ward off the chill of the morning. I’m focused. I don’t need the caffeine to wake me up today. I drink it for the ritual—it’s keeping me company—a warm, comfy friend. I don’t need to go anywhere or do anything else today. I’m not hungry or tired or worried. A pen and paper sit on the table before me. On my right and my left are women who link arms with me. We are talking together, our foreheads touching, then rising, and then touching again. They form a chain that extends as far as I can see in either direction down the sand (I’m not sure how this works with the whole balcony thing from a physics perspective, but, hey, it’s a make-believe vision, so just go with it, okay?). I experience health, attachment, purpose, connection, and joy—pure, unadulterated joy.

My Centered Vision represents my values and priorities: strong family connection (Makena and Mireia); impactful contribution to other women (our linked arms); physical and mental wellness (my warm cup of coffee); exploration and adventure (the vast ocean); and financial wellness (the cozy and secure blanket).

These values and priorities reveal the tangible places where I want to invest most of my time and physical and mental energy. They are the components that make my imperfect, stressful life whole—that give it meaning, substance, and structure, no matter what’s going on in the moment and no matter what I accomplish (be it a fully-checked grocery shopping list or getting to the C-suite). These are the areas that matter most to me—that energize me and that bring me or allow me to have the most joy. It’s not a manifestation or a fantasy wish list. It’s not a two-hour work day or a spot on America’s Got Talent. It’s the values I care most deeply about in combination with the activities that bring me the most joy. They are the pillars that center me. It’s what I really, really want. Let’s find what you want, too. "

Your Next Steps

Want to read more? Check out Doing it All: Stop Over-Functioning and Become the Mom and Person You're Meant to Be in paperback, eBook, and audiobook.

THE HARM OF CHILDHOOD TRAUMA AND THE HOPE OF RESILIENCE WITH MARC HAUSER

Fri, 12 Jul 2024 01:46:04 GMT

About the Episode:

In this episode, Dr. Mark Hauser, author of Vulnerable Minds: The Harm of Childhood Trauma and the Hope of Resilience , discusses the impact of childhood trauma and the importance of understanding adverse childhood experiences (ACEs). He introduces the concept of the five T's framework (type, timing, tenure, turbulence, and toxicity) to understand how to respond to them and highlights the need for professionals and parents to be trauma-informed and aware of how childhood trauma can affect parenting. This conversation also touches on the role of screens in children's lives and the importance of being mindful of their impact.

Episode Takeaways:

About the Book:
A new, hopeful pathway to understanding children’s trauma and providing effective interventions to build healthier communities. Each year at least a billion children around the world are victims of adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) that range from physical abuse to racial discrimination to neglect and food deprivation. The brain plasticity of our most vulnerable makes the adverse effects of trauma only that much more damaging to mental and physical development. Those dealt a hand of ACEs are more likely to drop out of school, have a shorter life, abuse substances, and suffer from myriad mental health and behavioral issues.

The crucial question is: How do we intervene to offer these children a more hopeful future? Neurobiologist and educator Dr. Marc Hauser provides a novel, research-based framework to understand a child’s unique response to ACEs that goes beyond our current understanding and is centered around the five Ts—the timing during development when the trauma began, its type , tenure , toxicity , and how much turbulence it has caused in a child’s life. Using this lens, adults can start to help children build resilience and recover—and even benefit—from their adversity through targeted community and school interventions, emotional regulation tools, as well as a new frontier of therapies focused on direct brain stimulation, including neurofeedback and psychedelics.

While human suffering experienced by children is the most devastating, it also presents the most promise for recovery; the plasticity of young people’s brains makes them vulnerable, but it also makes them apt to take back the joy, wonder, innocence, and curiosity of childhood when given the right support. Vulnerable Minds is a call to action for parents, policymakers, educators, and doctors to reclaim what’s been lost and commit ourselves to our collective responsibility to all children.

Understanding the five T's framework (type, timing, tenure, turbulence, and toxicity) can help professionals and parents better understand the response to adverse childhood experiences (ACEs).

Being trauma-informed and aware of childhood trauma can help parents avoid re-traumatizing their children and provide appropriate support.

The impact of screens on children should be considered on a case-by-case basis, weighing the benefits and trade-offs.

Awareness of childhood trauma can help parents recognize and address any unconscious patterns of parenting that may be influenced by their own traumatic experiences.

The conversation around mental health and trauma is evolving , and it is important to find a balanced approach that avoids stigmatization while also ensuring accurate diagnosis and support.

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MY HUSBAND KNOWS HOW TO SHARE THE MENTAL LOAD. I'M JUST NOT ALWAYS SURE HE (REALLY) WANTS TO

Wed, 03 Jul 2024 19:51:17 GMT

"But you have to make sure she actually takes her medicine,” I say again, feeling like I want to bang my head against the wall as I try to explain my 10-year-old daughter’s needs—and my husband’s role in meeting them—for what feels like the eighth time this month. I’d just come home from a career-high, three-day work trip the night before, but the low of this moment made all that success come crashing down.

Missed medications in my household are catastrophic events. My child relies on them to navigate her running list of diagnoses: dysregulatory disruptive mood disorder, sensory disorder, anxiety, and autism.

“Even though we want her to be responsible for her own mental health, she’s not ready to be yet,” I remind Scott.

But my husband sees it differently. “I put the medications on her plate with her breakfast. She’s not a baby. She can swallow the pills. If you want someone to put them in her mouth, you’ll have to be here to do it.”

You might think my husband and I are outliers. We’re not. I was in San Francisco last week, presenting at a wellness event for Stanford-trained neurosurgeons and Intensive Care Unit physician moms who are having the exact same experience. Never mind all the life-changing information I had to share with these highly educated, highly competent women about advancing their work-life integration skills. They wanted to know how to get their men to dress their toddlers in something other than shorts in the middle of February. “If I don’t take care of it myself, it just won’t get done right,” they lamented over and over. “And I already have enough guilt as a working mom as it is. I can’t add a freezing child to my list.”

Maybe you think my husband is incompetent—not smart enough to put two and two together: one missed pill equals meltdowns all day and no sleep all night for the next week. He’s not. Scott got a near-perfect score on his GRE. He’s the director of a successful physical therapy clinic. He has common sense.

Or maybe he’s just downright selfish? No. Friends and family can count on him to move their apartments, or send a “sorry your dog died” card, or show up with some beers if they’ve had a bad day. He’s also my best career champion and cheerleader.

You might think we need to read Fair Play , Eve Rodsky’s book that outlines a business-like plan for divvying up family tasks and responsibilities in dual-gender households. We’ve read it. And, while Fair Play ’s approach is both groundbreaking and practical, the idea that all men actually want to carry the mental load in the way that it needs to be carried does not hold water in my family all the time. And while I hope and pray that this isn’t the story my kids (or even their kids) have to tell about their partners, it certainly is my narrative.

Here’s the reality: my husband knows how to share the mental load with me. He just doesn’t always see why, even if he doesn't want to, he NEEDS to so it doesn't all fall to me. In his mind, the kids are old enough to do their own laundry, to wash their own dishes, and to figure out what to do when they’re bored. If they don’t, it’s not his responsibility. The only problem is, while the day may be coming soon when my kids can fend for themselves, I know we’re not there quite yet. Someone has to pick up the slack when the kids don’t act like adults (or face the mental health consequences a few days later), and I bet you can guess who that is in most American households .

When you think about it, men have a pretty great deal. What’s their incentive to change the status quo? A 2023 Pew Research analysis found that working husbands have more leisure time than their working wives, especially if there are children. This same analysis pointed out that while women are gaining more economically by potentially earning equivalent to their husbands, they’re carrying a heavier burden at home. Researchers went on to conclude, “The only marriage type where husbands devote more time to caregiving than their wives is one in which the wife is the sole breadwinner. In those marriages, wives and husbands spend roughly the same amount of time per week on household chores.” An additional point of proof? Same-sex female couples also share the load fairly .

If you ask Scott, he’ll say he’s doing his fair share. And, compared to dads who came before them, modern fathers certainly are . Scott changed diapers right alongside me when our girls were newborns. He picks our kids up from school three days a week. The responsibility for the mental load is shifting, it’s just taking way too long—and taking way too much advocacy from men who get it . As women, we’re seemingly left with two options: wait for the world to change or succumb to depression and resentment. I can’t afford to do either. I have an autistic child who needs both parents in sync, and I want a life I’m happy with.

Advocates like Rodsky agree with me. To convince their partners to share the mental load, women must stand up for themselves in the face of mental load inequities and believe in their own self-worth. It requires continuous, team-oriented communication to be effective. Women have to speak up when their partners don’t meet the mark—or when they don’t step up to the mental load plate at all. I have to win the argument about my unreliable kid reliably getting her Zoloft—and be willing to reiterate it again and again until it sticks. I can’t let it go when it all falls to me.

But will most women really do that? My experience in the working mom world tells me the answer is, unless women believe that they deserve to have the same level of rest, purpose, and respect as everyone else in their families, unequivocally no. Women consistently mop up the messes and pick up the slack to keep their families functioning, even when they don’t want to. They over-function because their self-worth is tied to taking care of everyone and everything else instead of protecting their own peace. They keep quiet because they’re not taught communication tools, like compassionate assertiveness , that allow them to express their needs while earning buy-in toward more teamwork. They keep shouldering the mental load because, in some ways, it feels like such an uphill battle to convince their partners to care the same way they do.

Can we stop pretending like our partners don’t know how to share the mental load—or that they always want to—not because they're jerks, but because it requires a sea-change in perspective and their partners standing up for themselves? It goes against centuries of history. It invalidates the current working mom experience. It’s not going to get us anywhere. Instead, let’s teach women how to push equity forward, even when they meet resistance from their partners, by building a stronger internal foundation so they can fully embrace Fair Play and other amazing tools. Let’s start by teaching women to embrace their self-worth. Let’s empower women with evidence-based communication tools and strategies that allow them to stop over-functioning. We can keep teaching men and women how to share the mental load, but, more importantly, let’s make sure it actually happens.

WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU SIGN YOUR KID UP FOR SOCCER...AND NOW THEY DON'T WANT TO PLAY

Thu, 20 Jun 2024 12:30:00 GMT

About Our Guest:

Dr. Whitney practices medicine in Portland, Oregon, where she and her husband raise their two young daughters.

About the Episode:

Parenting is a journey filled with countless decisions, especially when it comes to encouraging our kids to try new activities and experiences. For those of us with neurodivergent children, these decisions can be even more complex. In this episode, Dr. Whitney shares her personal experiences and challenges in helping her own child to try new activities, and offers detailed insights and actionable advice for parents facing similar challenges.

Episode Takeaways:

Recognize Initial Interest: Pay attention to your child's innate interests. When you are looking to stretch their ability to try new skills or experiences, you’ll often have more success if the activity centers around something they already love. Likewise, if your child has an activity or subject they’re already willing to do (for example, soccer), encourage them to try a “sister” activity (like lacrosse) that’s really similar. Hint: as a pediatrician, this is also how I encourage parents to help their kids try new foods.

Assess for True Overwhelm: If your child is showing signs of severe overwhelm around a new activity, you may have to retry another time when they’re better-rested or more willing to be adventurous, or you may have to consider a less intense version altogether. Unsure? Give it a minute. Let your child calm down with some deep breathing or distraction for a few minutes if they’re amped up before deciding if you’ll bail on the new camp/food/experience you have planned, then revisit your options. That way your child will be less likely to feel cornered into trying something they’re really not into and you won’t feel so stressed, either.

Start Small: Introduce new activities in small, manageable steps. For example, if your child is interested in theater, start with short, at-home performances before enrolling them in a class. Many class studios and programs offer trial sessions or, if you call ahead, may be willing to let you and your child observe once or twice. Starting small makes starting something new less overwhelming for your child, and less frustrating as a parent if it doesn’t work out.

Create a Safe Space: We can’t sugar coat every experience for our kids but, when possible, look for environments that feel safe and supportive when introducing your child to new activities. This can help reduce anxiety and build confidence.

Bring a Friend: Starting a new art class? Sending your child to camp for the first time? Think about asking a friend to join them. Having peer support may help your kiddo feel less like the “new kid” and more like they already belong.

Set Boundaries That Take into Account Your Child’s Unique Needs: Even if your child commits to a new activity ahead of time, they’ll often have more and more anxiety as the first session comes around. To find the balance between pushing your child too hard and respecting their mental health needs, set clear boundaries ahead of time about how you’ll deal with those real emotions. That might look like establishing that they’ll attend at least one class, or setting goals (with rewards) for participating for various lengths of time. Establishing clear boundaries that prioritize your child's well-being can help create a sense of security and predictability. Plus, if you do end up needing to make some compromises with your child in the heat of the moment, you’ll have already discussed the trade-offs and benefits.

Communicate Openly: Have open and honest conversations with your child about their feelings and concerns. This can help you understand their perspective and make informed decisions.

Establish Consistency and Routine When You’re NOT Trying Something New: Consistency and routine play a vital role in parenting, especially for neurodivergent children. They can help create a sense of stability and predictability, which is important for ALL kids, but is particularly beneficial for neurodivergent children. When you’re consistent most of the time, it gives you more leeway to make exceptions that accommodate your child’s unique needs and preferences without creating habits that hurt them. Use visual schedules to help your child understand and anticipate daily activities. This can reduce anxiety and improve their ability to cope with changes. Prepare your child for transitions between activities by providing advance notice and using visual or verbal cues.

Be Mindful of Your Own Emotions and Reactions: When you’re aware of your own feelings and understand how your needs drive your feelings, you’re better able to respond effectively to your child's needs. Prioritize self-care to ensure you have the emotional and physical energy to support your child. Don't hesitate to seek support from professionals, such as pediatricians or therapists, who can provide guidance and resources tailored to your child's needs.

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WE LIVE IN AN ATTENTION ECONOMY. IT'S STEALING OUR JOY.

Thu, 13 Jun 2024 22:15:28 GMT

Ding. A friend posts a vacation-envy-inducing family photo on Instagram.

Ding. A Facebook update that someone’s daughter got into Yale.

Ding. An Atlantic article on the secret to children’s happiness.

Ding. A text seeing if you can make it to book club tonight.

Ding. A note from your office manager asking for baby shower gift ideas for your coworker.

Ding. A TikTok notification that your child just posted . . . during school hours. ��

Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding.

Another notification. Another distraction. Sound familiar? We live in a culture where our attention is constantly pulled in a million different directions. From social media updates to work emails to family obligations, it seems like there's always something vying for our attention. And the more we try to keep up, the more overwhelmed and scattered we feel.

Nobel Laureate Herbert A. Simon once said, "A wealth of information creates a poverty of attention."

How true is that? We have access to more information than ever before, but our attention spans are suffering as a result. Every ding, ping, and buzz pulls us further away from the present moment, making it harder to focus on what truly matters – our families, our work, and ourselves.

The Burden of Attention

As working moms, we often bear the brunt of this attention overload . We're expected to juggle a million different things at once – from work deadlines to school pickups to household chores. While also being reminded to stay fit, but not too thin. To put time and thought into your appearance, but not that kind that draws negative attention. And to work like you’re not a parent, while parenting like you’re not a full-time employee. It's no wonder we feel like we're constantly spinning our wheels, never able to catch up or focus on ANYTHING.

Breaking Free from the Distraction Cycle

So, how do we break free from this cycle of perpetual distraction? How do we reclaim our attention and focus on what truly matters? It starts with awareness. Recognize when you're being pulled in too many directions. When there’s too many things vying for your attention, pulling you like Stretch Armstrong. Only then can you take practical steps to fix it and live a life aligned with your Centered Vision (I’ll talk more about that in a minute.)

When your priorities are really clear, you’re waaaay more likely to be firm about what gets a say for your attention. You can set boundaries around your time and energy, because you don't have to be afraid any longer to say no to things that don't align with your priorities. When your priorities are clear, you get to be the one in control.

When you read that list, it seems like I might be telling you that we can “do it all!” Barf. I’d never do that. Who actually wants to do it all? That sounds exhausting. But when you’re living according to your priorities in your Centered Life, the rest falls into place. You’ve dropped the things that don’t matter. You’ve made room for those that do. You’ve challenged yourself to do the best in all the aspects of your life, but fully embraced that that looks differently for every person in every season.

Finding Balance

Finding balance in the attention economy is all about setting boundaries and prioritizing what truly matters. Take a step back and evaluate where you're spending your time and energy. Are you constantly checking your phone or scrolling through social media? Are you saying yes to every request that comes your way, even if it means sacrificing your own well-being? It's time to take back control of your attention and focus on what truly matters most to you .

The Importance of Self-Care

Another way to really get those attention grabbers in check and to make sure you’re following the priorities you WANT to have, is to ruthlessly include self-care in your routine . Take time for yourself each day to recharge and reset. It doesn’t have to be a whole production! Go for a walk, practice mindfulness, or simply take a few deep breaths–find what works for you and make it a priority.

Earlier I talked about living according to your Centered Vision. And we talk a lot about that here at Modern Mommy Doc. But living out your Centered Life is one of the absolutely clearest ways to deal with the attention economy. Centered Women prioritize their vision, set personal and professional boundaries, make time for their kids, practice self-compassion, and minimize the impact of distractions.

A More Centered, Less Distracted Approach

You know I’m a huge supporter of girl power and women breaking down barriers and adding their voices into conversations that they’ve always been told didn’t have space for them. But I think one of the downfalls of this mindset is that “we can anything!” quickly turns into “we can do everything!” And then the next thing you know you’re overcommitted, under-supported, and plain worn out.

When we can get really clear on what we actually care about, it makes it so much easier to ignore the ding, ding, ding of everyone and everything thinking they need our eyeballs right this second. When we’re living out our Centered Vision , those distractions get quieted to a dull hum. We know what we want and that’s the life we’re going after.

DO YOU NEED TO BREAK UP WITH YOUR THERAPIST? HOW TO FIND A MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL WHO WILL ACTUALLY HELP

Wed, 05 Jun 2024 13:45:45 GMT

What if Apple rolled out a new iphone that could cook all your meals, balance the national budget, and make your kids go to bed without whining, plus all of its regular features…except for one thing: it didn’t actually make calls or texts. I mean, all that other stuff is pretty awesome. But if it’s not actually doing the job it was designed to do, it’s kinda turned into something else, right?

I want to chat about therapy and what it’s actually supposed to DO for you. Not just how it makes you feel. But what are the marks of a good therapist and a good session? Because if it’s not actually doing what it’s supposed to do, you’re pretty much wasting your time (and lots of money).

I talk all the time about being in therapy . It’s so important to have an objective person to speak into your life and offer you support. I’ve seen a counselor with my husband, my own individual therapist, my husband has seen one on his own, and my girls have too. Some of my very best professional friends are therapists. I think it’s a faaaaantastic resource that I wish was more accessible to more people.

But let’s face it: not all therapists are created equal. And why talk about that here? Because sometimes, as the trained-to-be-people-pleasing women that we are, it can be really tempting to take whatever help we can get without really thinking...is this help actually HELPING me? But it's a question we have to ask if we want to start to making sure that we are the lead actors in the movie of our own lives because, to make the movie great, we're definitely going to need a great supporting cast.

I start my latest book, Doing it All , with a story about a well-intentioned occupational therapist who was trying to help my daughter and I, but who ultimately failed us with her assumptions and lack of insight.

“GO AHEAD. BE BRAVE AND TELL YOUR MOMMY.”

We’re at the occupational therapist (OT) for my eight-year-old daughter’s weekly appointment. I usually sit in a double-mirror office room adjacent to the gym, observing while she works with the specialist one-on-one for an hour—a quiet hour that I look forward to each week as a working mom of two kids under ten. We’re only twenty-five minutes into her session when I see my daughter emerge with her therapist.

“Mom,” my daughter starts, “I need to let you know that I think you never have time for me and that you care about my sister more than me. I want to tell you that I think you should stop working and that I need more attention from you because you’re really busy.” She stops and gives me puppy dog eyes.

I see the OT nodding as my daughter talks. The OT then adds, “Makena was having a tough time today, and she opened up to me about how she’s feeling. We wanted to share it with you.”

The air feels thick. I choke back my own tears as I watch them well up in my daughter’s sweet eyes. I’m caught off-guard—not by the emotional confession from my child, but rather the naïve assumptions of a well-intentioned professional whose overreaching comments make it clear she doesn’t understand our family’s story.

Makena is my oldest daughter, and I love her more than anything. She is also a well of need that never runs dry. At eight years old, she has an impressively long diagnosis list: anxiety disorder, deregulatory mood disruptive disorder, sensory processing disorder, auditory processing disorder, and autism.

As a baby, she wouldn’t sleep for more than forty-five minutes at a time without the aid of a loud hair dryer, a perpetual baby bop bounce, or the comfort of a close snuggle. As a toddler, she required constant reassurance that her first dance class would be okay, prolonged consoling when a friend took her favorite doll, and the comforting pressure of my hand on her hand even as she watched her favorite Doc McStuffins episode on the couch. Nights with grandma for a parents-only date night were a no-go unless she was already in bed and in a deep sleep. My twice- weekly workouts sparked immediate meltdowns unless she was allowed to be in the room with me.

At the same time, like an old cat who’s only interested in human contact on its own terms, personal space is often her greatest desire. It’s a roll of the dice as to which kid you’ll get on any given day: clingy, needy, attached-at-the-hip Makena or standoffish, please-remove-yourself-from-my-orbit Makena. On the worst days, we’re locked in a loop of perpetual drama over the slightest missteps. On the best days, Makena is a joyful nymph tinkering around the house, dreaming up complicated plans for a cheerleading squad with her third-grader friends. Her best self is brainy and beautiful—free of insecurities and codependence. She is patient with her sister and cares deeply about other people.

I’ve learned over the years that I’ll never meet all her needs, even though every- thing inside me desperately wants to. It’s crushing to watch your daughter fight herself and everyone else, to not be able to control her own emotions or (some- times) her own body. But I know that while it’s my responsibility to guide her and help her as best I can, it’s ultimately not my full responsibility to determine who she becomes—and it wouldn’t be feasible for me to do so anyway.

And that’s why I was so angry at this OT for parading my amazing, complicated daughter in front of me, insinuating that I wasn’t servicing her needs. Especially because it has taken me so long to get to a place where I know what to focus on and what to let go of. A place where I don’t let guilt reign supreme over my life.”

Even though that occupational therapist wasn’t my therapist (and even though I’ve had some amazing experiences in therapy), her missteps made me think even more about what works and what doesn’t when it comes to getting professional mental health help. It made me realize that giving permission to other moms to re-analyze what works and what doesn't for them when it comes to getting help for their families and themselves could be really freeing.

My #1 tip? T he first goal of every therapist should be to help you be better, not just feel better.

Look for someone who can go beyond lip service to actual HELP. You need someone who will hold space for all of your emotions and thoughts, but you also need someone who will challenge you.We all know that I can make my kid stop throwing a tantrum if I give her ice cream…but that’s not really actually helping her, right? Just like our job is to soothe our kids and to make them feel seen, but it's not our ONLY job, so it is with therapy.

As parents, our goal is to help our kids grow into the best versions of themselves. In the same way, therapy should go beyond just making you feel better in the moment. It’s about equipping you with the tools you need to succeed and aiding you with coping when you’re not on the (virtual) therapist couch. 86% of people who have seen a therapist have said it helped them cope. And you deserve that too! But getting to that point might mean a change in therapist if all you’re getting now is a good listener or a “yes” man or woman.

Here are 3 reasons why you might need to break up with your therapist (and probably find a new one!):

1. You don’t feel supported.

You deserve to be supported in ways that make sense for you and that will actually help you mentally and emotionally. Great therapists challenge you and help you question your assumptions. They aren't "yes men." At the same time, it's no good if you constantly feel way worse after your sessions than better. If you feel like you’re not understood or seen by your therapist, it’s ok to move on. It’s your money, after all.

2. You don’t see progress.

Are you in the same spot mentally that you were 6 months ago? Can you (or your therapist) point to things that have changed for you? Can tell that when you are in similar situations in real life as what you've discussed in therapy sessions that you have more strategies at your disposal? Or that you feel more sure of yourself as you tackle a tough problem you've been working on? It can be micro-steps, but you need to be able to see real change–or at least be headed in the direction of change.

3. You aren’t being given tools.

There’s a huge difference between being wrecked emotionally from a session that accompanied action items and tools for you to move forward versus just pulling up old trauma for again and again. An emotional hangover after therapy sessions does not equal a breakthrough. Continually having the same conversation without knowing how to react differently in your life isn’t helpful. Of course, a lot of therapy is bringing awareness to the faulty thought patterns we have, and to the way we interpret the world and ourselves. But, eventually, all that analyzing needs to lead to real action. And to get there, you need practical tools, not just a philosophy change.

Time for a therapist shift?

If you need a new therapist, it is OKAY. And yes, making a change can be awkward (though I don't know if it's harder than breaking up with your hairdresser —kidding, not kidding). A good therapist will actually encourage you to find the best fit for you, and may even help you identify what kind of help would be better for you. The point of help is help. And if it’s not helping, it’s time to move on (hint: check out some of my prior podcast guests for examples of therapists who are making a huge difference in the lives of women and their families).

YOU DON'T HAVE TO PASS YOUR BODY IMAGE ISSUES ON TO YOUR KIDS

Thu, 30 May 2024 13:30:01 GMT

About Our Guest:

Dr. Whitney practices medicine in Portland, Oregon, where she and her husband raise their two young daughters.

About the Episode:

Dr. Whitney gets personal on this episode talking about body image, weight, and the world’s standards of health. She talks about why it’s so hard for women to have a positive body image even in the movement of body positivity and how we can help break that cycle for our kids.

Episode Takeaways:

There is such a divide in women’s health when it comes to body image and weight. And, as women, we’ve been steeped in diet culture our entire lives. From watching our parents go through a million diet and exercise programs to the way they spoke to us about our bodies (even when their motivation came from the right place!) it really shaped and formed our relationships with our bodies, food, and exercise. And it’s really difficult as parents, now, to navigate that with our kids, knowing how much it has affected us.

I often struggle with hearing all the voices that have spoken into my life about weight. I hear my parents talk about their own body, I hear all the people who told me I looked so great after I lost weight. As a result of those thoughts, it’s really difficult to make my actions line up with my mindset. I want to be as healthy as I can be for my kids, and I want to be the best role model in the area, but I’m a human being and sometimes I fall short.

There are times when I exercise not just for the joy of movement, but to lose weight. I do eat foods and think, “Will this make me bigger?” “Will this make me smaller?” I do look at my body and think critical thoughts. But I’ve learned there’s a difference between thinking a thought and taking it and passing it onto your kids. I can fight those internal demons and still pass on something better to my kids.

When I have those thoughts, I give myself the most grace and self-compassion. When I think critically, I tell myself WHY I’m being critical–because of the way you’ve been conditioned to think for so long. And then I ask myself what I’m going to do with that thought. I’m going to be mindful, I’ll store it away, and move on. And if I do take an action, like eating for restriction or exercising for a version of “health” that isn’t healthy for me, I can still stop and reverse it. It doesn’t have to be the new normal.

Oftentimes, these things aren’t even noticeable from the outside. It’s just the constant mind chatter going on inside your head. That doesn’t mean you can’t be authority on this for your kids. That doesn’t mean you can’t undo all the damage of diet culture. It means that it’s okay that you’re not perfect. That it’s okay that it’s still a struggle. It’s going to take several generations for our kids to unlearn what we learned and to unsee what’s on the internet with photoshop and filters.

Just because your experience was terrible, doesn’t mean it has to be that way for your kids. But they live in the real world, so we have to take those times to explain to them what’s happening, what stereotypes are, what old ideas are out there about what it means to be “healthy,” and what our families are going to do to set our relationships with food and our bodies.

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DOCTOR MOMS ARE DONE BURNING THE CANDLE AT BOTH ENDS. HERE'S WHAT NEEDS TO CHANGE

Thu, 23 May 2024 13:30:01 GMT

6 years. That’s how long nearly half of women physicians stay in full-time medicine. Their reason? The way-too-demanding push and pull of their family lives and their professional duties. That’s two years fewer than most of them spent getting that MD behind their name in the first place. I’ve sat in workshops with these women. I've talked with them over and over at conferences. I've watched their posts on Physician Mom Facebook groups. They have had it. They are having to pick between their dream careers and basic necessities and care for their family. And they are done .

As a working mom advocate, and a maternal-child health expert, I've spent countless hours collaborating with other leaders in the work-life integration space. And, as a fellow physician mom, I've also had countless hours hearing the stories of physician moms from hospital and private practice healthcare systems across the county. Formally and informally, they've spilled all the things they can’t say to their managers, leaders, and of course, medical system CEOs.

Their voices are lost in echo chambers of women and mom’s physician groups, both in person and virtually, throughout the country. There are few, if any, opportunities to voice concerns. But if there was, they’d say — “We aren’t compensated fairly for time off.” “We don’t have anyone to relieve us of our high stress jobs and patients will go without care if we take off for our families.” “The CEO and leaders of our hospital systems are swimming in money while we pay off 8 years of medical school and pay our way through expensive daycare bills and unpaid maternity leaves.” Finally, and most simply, they’d say, “We are burnt out.”

A proven problem, with little action

The research is there to back their valid complaints:

According to a 2019 JAMA study , 55 percent of female providers who were responsible for five or more day-to-day household and parenting tasks considered changing careers. This study also noted female providers were still responsible for the day-to-day household duties within their home, compared to their male colleagues who relied on those female partners to handle things.
A 2022 study lists the specific risk factors contributing to female physician burnout, including time constraints, increased household responsibilities compared to their male colleagues, and health necessities around childbearing, increased maternal age, and mental health.
A 2023 study reported that in 2021, 56% of female providers reported they were burned out, compared to 41% in male physicians due to a lack of resources, less control over their schedules, more time spent with patients than male colleagues, imposter syndrome, gender bias, lower compensation, bias against mother physicians, and challenges in work-life integration.
In a 2017 AMA study , 90 percent of mother physicians felt discriminated against during pregnancy and through postpartum. Pumping time and space is a consistent stressor.

The data speaks for moms. But is the data helping? At least there's some hope: Stanford residents are one group who pushed back and unionized in 2022 . Their success so far was reported by Becker’ s , and might be a rising trend in mom doctors saying, if we don’t speak up, who will?

A medical system that doesn’t align with physicians moms' values

Physicians as a group at-large are deeply committed to helping others, and physician moms are no different. We are natural leaders, healers, and researchers. We want to extend those same values to their families but are forced to choose, leading to burnout. We have increased numbers of electronic medical record demands and requests robbing our patients of face-to-face interaction and care. We have little control over our work environments, often working long shifts on back-to-back days, a schedule incongruent with raising children of our own. The pay for performance demands from insurance nags in the back of our minds, so we hurry up and do more.

And, ironically, the strapped health care system itself causes additional responsibility on providers who can’t refer patients to specialists, as there aren’t enough, especially for mental health care. The person who coined the phrase “between a rock and a hard place” must have been hanging out in the mind of an emergency care provider who some also call Mom.

The high stakes

The medical system is pushing burned out physician moms to keep going, even though we learned from the pandemic that doesn’t work, and has a high cost — to their patients, their families, and themselves. Burnout among physicians is linked to suicidal ideation , alcohol use , increased medical errors , and worse patient outcomes . So, ironically, those politicians, c-suite leaders, and stakeholders refusing to reform will likely face the consequences themselves of an overexerted healthcare system. But, more importantly, female physicians can't operate at the level they were trained to, and that their patients need, under the current circumstances.

Here’s an example: Jenna is a female physician on a pediatric ER floor. She works three 12 hour shifts back to back. Her child tests positive for COVID-19 a few hours before her shift. She knows there is nobody to take her place, no list of substitute doctors to call on. Her choices are:

Ask a colleague for a favor, to cover her, even though she knows they are burnt out too. She also knows they won’t be fairly compensated for picking up an extra shift last minute.

If nobody is available, the same ER operates with fewer doctors, leading to exceptionally long wait times for emergent patients, and others have to triage who will get timely quality care, who will have to wait, and who won’t even get care in time before they leave hoping to care elsewhere.

She comes to work potentially sick from exposure, risking also the daycare provider or family member she left her daughter with, so her patients don’t suffer.

Meanwhile, male counterparts, who cut their work hours at lower rates than women for family concerns, continue forward and upward. In fact, women still take on an average of 8.5 hours more work at home each week than men. It’s a lose-lose-lose.

What would make a difference

We need CEOs, decision-makers, and managers who will see the direct correlation between happy doctor moms and high-quality care (and therefore profit). Mom physicians are speaking up about the clear and necessary asks for them to continue contributing to medicine, a must-have for the healthcare system to thrive.

A people-first working environment

Ask your employees, and mom physicians in particular, what they want and need. Be prepared to meet a diverse set of needs, and a process to strategize how to solve additional problems as they arise. True wellness initiatives that matter must replace hollow attempts, such as wellness apps and evening programming. Instead, ask mom physicians what support they actually need to thrive.

On-site childcare

A few university-based healthcare systems are implementing on-site solutions to those times when a parent has to help a kid for an hour, drop off medicine, deal with a behavior issue, or take care of other in the moment parenting to-dos that would otherwise mean canceling a whole shift. At UC Davis, leaders are considering the addition of on-site childcare.

The University of California Davis Medical Center and University of Texas Southwestern Medical Center have both implemented an allowance program to extend promotion and tenure for parents who take leave. Giving parents back hours of their commute will be hours they can spend on their own well-being, or with patients.

Paid parental leave

Doctor moms will prioritize working for employers on the cutting edge of what every industry needs now — paid parental leave. The University of Michigan expanded its parental leave policy last year, giving birth mothers 12 paid leave, and all new parents 6 weeks of leave. Massachusetts General Hospital allows 8 weeks of paid leave for any parent. If they can do it, why can't everyone else?

Flexible scheduling, reduced paperwork, and remote work options

Move over, brick and mortar medicine. This is where telemedicine outshines you 10 to 1. With more and more options for physician moms to work in their home environments, to manage their schedules with flexibility, and to reduce their workloads by using AI tools, there finally seems like there might be a light at the end of the work-life integration tunnel (psssst....that's why I made the switch myself to Blueberry Pediatrics ).

I have a vision for the future, as do the rising classes of female physicians. It’s a future where they don’t have to pick between struggling patients and their struggling families. Where they can, indeed, “ do it all ” without feeling like they're not doing anything well, and where they can enjoy the fulfilling life they’ve built as they do it.

EVERYBODY LOVES A WOMAN WITH BOUNDARIES...UNTIL THEY DON'T

Thu, 16 May 2024 14:30:00 GMT

About Our Guest:

Dr. Whitney practices medicine in Portland, Oregon, where she and her husband raise their two young daughters.

About the Episode:

In this episode, Dr. Whitney dives deep into why it’s so hard for women to hold their boundaries. We all know that boundaries are healthy, but it’s simply more difficult for women, especially moms, to set boundaries and keep them. This episode gives you practical tips on how to make it happen.

Episode Takeaways:

In the workplace, it’s very common for the buzzword of the week to be boundaries. It’s often discussed how good it is for women to have boundaries and how it makes them stronger. But once the boundaries are set in place and enforced, there’s often a different tune. Women get labeled as too rigid, overbearing, and too controlling. This episode is about why it’s so hard for women to hold their boundaries.

When we talk about women standing up for themselves in their home in regards to sharing the mental load, we’re really talking about setting boundaries. Without boundaries, they’re making sure everyone else is okay before they make sure they’re okay themselves. Without boundaries, you state your priorities and values, but do nothing when they aren’t honored.

More often than not, women don’t hold those boundaries because they’re worried about the reaction of others. They’re worried about the way their partner will react if they hold their own boundary around their time or, even at work, how a boss might react and the consequences that could happen when they make and keep a boundary. They don’t want to be seen as aggressive. And they don’t want to deal with the anger that will inevitably come, so they just don’t set the boundary in the first place.

Even back in the 90s, studies showed that women are judged more harshly when they set and keep a boundary as opposed to men.

How to stop the cycle of people pleasing and set and keep boundaries.
Remember you are a role-model for your kids. We see when they model our behavior all the time, whether good or bad. So ask yourself, what can I show them now so that it’s easier and more comfortable for them to make and keep boundaries when they are older.

Remember that things only change when you do things differently. Nothing changes if nothing changes. If you’re resentful because people are walking all over you and your time, it will continue in that same pattern until you make a change. And change causes friction.

Remember that it’s human nature to resist change, so those that you are impressing the boundaries upon will naturally try to buck that and keep you in your old status or pattern. If they are happy with the status quo, they aren’t going to like the change. Address their feelings when you start the boundary and be willing to accept their feelings.

Practice how you’re going to react to their anger or feelings. You have 3 options when you experience backlash. 1) Stand your ground and reaffirm your boundaries. 2) Compromise 3) Let it go and realize they might not be capable of reacting how you’d like them to.

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FEMALE CELEBRITIES: THEY'RE JUST LIKE US (CONSTANTLY OVER-FUNCTIONING WITHOUT REAL REWARDS)!

Thu, 09 May 2024 13:30:01 GMT

About a month ago, I went on the most epic trip to Japan with my daughter to see Taylor Swift. It was a trip of a lifetime for the two of us and I’m so glad we did it. I’m a huge Swiftie (as is my daughter) and this only served to cement it even further for us.

But after I left the concert, I thou ght about what Taylor’s life must be like. And not in a fanciful, great vacations, private jets, and huge influence sorta way. But in a way that made me be like, “Will it ever calm down?” (See what I did there?)

It got me thinkin g about how life must hardly ever be calm for her. There’s her crazy hectic schedule. And the fact that she flew back across the globe to be at the Super Bowl (if you’re gonna be all negative about their relationship, just stop. Let them be cute and in love). And then flew back AGAIN to do more shows in Asia.

And days before that she was at the Grammys.

Where she announced another album dropping…that she recorded while she was on freaking tour! Oh, and having a very public romance.

That’s a LOT.

I read last year that she can’t sleep after her shows. No kidding! (here's a great post from Dr. Heather Rhodes breaking down the probable hormonal cause for Taylor’s sleep habits).

This is not a fan girl post about Taylor Swift or a breakdown of her love life, though I know that’s what you usually expect from me (for very good reason. She is a BOSS). It’s really about a greater question: why do female superstars have to work so hard to stay relevant—and do they have a role to play in their own over-functioning?

Just think about Beyoncé’s 27-song Cowboy Carter album, her longest LP ever. And her “16 Carriages” lyrics:

It's been thirty-eight summers and I'm not in my bed

On the back of the bus and a bunk with the band

Goin' so hard, now I miss my kids

Overworked and overwhelmed

I might cook, clean, but still won't fold

Or Taylor’s line on “I Can Do it With a Broken Heart”:

“I cry a lot but I am so productive, it's an art”

Or how about Lorde’s album announcement in 2021:

“There’s someone I want you to meet,” she wrote in a letter announcing her third album in Teen Vogue explaining her aesthetic transition from brooding and angsty to light and airy. “Her feet are bare at all times. She’s sexy, playful, feral, and free. She’s a modern girl in a deadstock bikini, in touch with her past and her future, vibrating at the highest level when summer comes around. Her skin is glowing, her lovers are many. I’m completely obsessed with her, and soon you will be too.”

I understand that they love what they do. I totally get that.

I adore being a doctor. But I also see when it’s time to draw lines in the sand with boundaries around my career. I’ve even pivoted from private practice recently because it made the most sense for me and my family.

When is enough, enough? When can you say that you’re proud of yourself and what you’ve done? When can you say that you’ve made it? What’s the reward—just more work?

Look across the industry–men simply aren’t doing this. Patrick Mahomes, Justin Timberlake, Brad Pitt. They aren’t constantly creating. They mig ht be working, but not always in the same “must be doing, must be creating in order to stay relevant” phase we see women putting themselves in.

I can already hear you, “Yeah, well those men don’t have to, because society elevates their contributions above women.” And I fully agree with you. Female celebrities live under the curse of generations of gendered expectations and inequities. If they want to be treated like “The Man,” they have to work harder than any of their male counterparts.

But I can’t help but wonder if all the constant reinventing, producing, and overworking we see female celebrities lean into doesn’t actually work against them–and us. When you build a career on reinvention, doesn’t that mean that you have to keep on reinventing yourself to keep advancing? In fact, the critics’ response to Swift’s The Tortured Poets Department, were pointed about how her relationship with long-time collaborator Jack Antonoff had become “comfortable” and risked “ going stale” because many of her songs sounded too similar to previous work they’d done together, in the critic’s opinion.

How much is enough? How hard exactly do these celebrities have to work? How much joy and rest do they have to sacrifice? When are they enough?

And when you overwork constantly to keep up, doesn’t that teach the young girls that come after you that they also have to sacrifice their wellness by subscribing to over-functioning (and what, in all other circumstances, would be seen as workaholism)?

I’m under no false pretenses that famous celebrities will change their work-life habits based on my opinion of their MOs, and they don’t have to. But let’s not pretend that working and working and working to handle our emotions or to combat inequities is normal or healthy. And l et’s decide that here, in our not-so-famous lives, we want better for ourselves—that we want lives that don’t exhaust us or that we have to keep up with. That we’re okay and enough, no matter how much we make or do.

I just want women, billionaires or not, to hear and understand that our worth does not come from what we create. From what we do. It comes from who we are and the mere fact that we are humans (if you want more on this, check out my new book, Doing it All).

You’re uniquely you and that’s your magical super power. Not the 100 cases you closed in a year. Or the new client that you landed. Or the sold out shows that you’ve performed all across the world.

And if I can teach that to my daughters, then I’m living in my superstar power.

HOW TO GET YOUR KIDS TO ACTUALLY DO THE CHORES ON THEIR CHORE LISTS WITH LORI SUGARMAN-LI

Thu, 02 May 2024 13:30:01 GMT

About Our Guest:

Lori Sugarman-Li believes deeply in the power of families and is a passionate voice in the cultural shift aiming to articulate the value and visibility of unpaid work. Her career as a Communications Strategist, combined with a decade devoted to full-time care of her family, community, and children's charities worldwide, served as the inspirational backdrop for her professional relaunch as a Coach, Speaker, and Author. She is dedicated to fostering meaningful conversations within families, encouraging them to contemplate how they care for one another and their shared space. Lori, her husband, and two sons are Canadian-born and live steps from Lake Michigan in Chicago. Her most recent book is Our Home: The Love, Work, and Heart of Family,

About the Episode:

Dr. Whitney talks with Lori-Sugarman-Li, author of Our Home: The Love, Work, and Heart of Family , about helping our kids understand the value of contributing to the mental load of home care—and getting them to actually do all those chores on their chore lists.

Episode Takeaways:

Lori had a 15 year career in marketing strategy, but when her kids were born, she hit pause on that and focused on what she could do while she was still at home with her little ones. When she was denied a disability claim because they said there was no “loss” since she didn’t make any income, it opened her eyes to the undervaluing of unpaid work. She wanted to make a change, but didn’t feel like she could do it at the highest level of governmental policy change, so she created a business that allowed her to talk to kids, so that they could make change in homes.

It will take an average of 92 years for us to see societal change in this area of equal work in the home. And because women are the drivers of the movement, it becomes one more thing that women have to add to our list to accomplish. So the best way to start is in your home and to invite children into this conversation. This builds resilience in kids by allowing teamwork and ownership of tasks.

Practical ways you can get your kids to help at home:

Change the energy around the tasks. When we call them chores, we are already starting an attitude of menial, tedious tasks. Instead, we can focus on the fact that these are really works of gratitude for all the things we have. When we show them that we hate chores, they’ll hate chores.

Change the attitude from “because I said so” to “let me show you how and do this together.” It’s a huge opportunity for education and connection. When we teach that we have to do the things we have to do in order to do the things we want to do, this then puts work around the house in the category of things that we don’t want to do. Invite kids into the jobs and show them the expectations of what their day will look like BEFORE it’s time to do the tasks.

Give your kids context of why you’re doing the things. It will help them buy-in, so that they actually understand how it all affects them and their family. Then that sense of pride can really come in for them taking ownership in their tasks.

Decide as a family what tasks are valuable to you. What is important to you and what makes the most sense for your family? And then match the kids with tasks that make the most sense with who they are, what they’re good at, or with the way they’re wired.

Lori’s book is called Our Home: The Love, Work, and Heart of Family and is written to kids about the power of families, how we care for one another and the space that we share. The book helps kids:

Remember the small things, like pancakes in the kitchen or family movie night, that make our homes so special.

See that those types of things don’t just magically happen–there’s a lot of work that goes into making those happen and sheds some illumination on the scope of work that allows all of that to go on.

Understand that they’re already doing a lot to make their home special and brings up the question if they could do more.

Feel empowered with the idea that they can be amazing contributors to your family and the amazing space you share.

Ways to connect with Lori:
Instagram: @ourhomeourpride
Website: ourhomeourpride.com

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NAVIGATING PEDIATRICIAN VISITS LIKE A PRO

Thu, 25 Apr 2024 13:30:01 GMT

Your baby wakes up in the middle of the night with a runny nose and a cough. You take her temp and it reads 99.7. Is it allergies? A cold coming on? Is it worth calling the on-call nurse? Will she think you’re just being paranoid and be irritated that you called? What if it turns into something worse by the morning?

Not only have I seen parents encountering this situation countless times in my years as a pediatrician, I’ve actually asked myself the same questions. And once you’re finally in front of the doctor, it can be equally as nerve wracking to make sure that you get the best care for your child. What if your child’s symptoms are gone by the time you get to your appointment? How do you describe that you know something just isn’t “right”?

I want to demystify the process of talking to your pediatrician, so that you can know exactly how to make the most out of your visits with your doctor. Here are 6 things to keep in mind next time you’re making a trip to the doctor’s office.

First things first, trust your gut.

You know your child better than anyone else, so if something feels off, don't hesitate to pick up the phone and call your pediatrician. Whether it's a small cough or a lingering fever, your intuition is a powerful tool in advocating for your child's health. And truthfully, we moms need to start trusting our guts with our kids in a whole lotta areas. Not just their health.

Second, when it comes to choosing a pediatrician, don't be afraid to be choosy.

Look for a doctor who is not only trained specifically in pediatrics, but also someone you feel comfortable with. Your pediatrician should be someone you can trust and who welcomes all your questions and concerns with open arms. Never allow your concerns to be dismissed or to leave an appointment with questions you didn’t ask (or worse, that they didn’t answer or find a resource for!)

Third, there’s lots of times when this applies, but when you're at the doctor's office, honesty is for sure the best policy.

Just like you need to be honest when your doctor asks how much exercise you’re getting or how many drinks you’re consuming in a week, be upfront about your child's symptoms and the duration of their illness. Details matter, and even small differences in symptoms can lead to different treatment approaches. A 24 hour fever is different from a 5 day fever. And I’d ask a lot more clarifying questions at that point as well. Remember, your pediatrician is there to help, not judge, so don't be afraid to share what's really going on.

Fourth, trust that we believe you.

When you say your kid has been miserable the last few days, we get it. You don't need to prove how sick your child is by letting them suffer through a fever until your doctor's appointment. It's perfectly okay to give them fever-reducing medication beforehand. In fact, it can sometimes be easier for doctors to accurately assess your child's condition by how it reacts to those over the counter meds.

Fifth, remember that illnesses can shift day by day, or even hour by hour.

And pediatricians get this. What may seem like a minor issue one moment can escalate into something more serious the next. That's why we give so many after-visit instructions and encourage follow-up appointments if needed. Don't hesitate to reach out if your child's condition changes or doesn't improve as expected.

Lastly, don't be afraid to ask questions.

Your pediatrician is here to guide you through your child's illness and recovery process. Whether you're seeking clarification on a diagnosis or wondering when your child will be back to their usual self, your pediatrician WANTS to help you and to set your mind at ease. So, don't hold back – ask away!

Dealing with a sick child can be one of the toughest parts of being a working mom. But remember, you're not alone. Your pediatrician is here to support you every step of the way. Trust your instincts, be honest, and don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it. Together, we'll get through those doctor visits and get your little one back to their happy, healthy selves in no time.

WHAT I WISH I'D KNOWN WHEN I FIRST STARTED MY PODCAST

Thu, 18 Apr 2024 14:30:00 GMT

About Our Guest:

Dr. Whitney practices medicine in Portland, Oregon, where she and her husband raise their two young daughters.

About the Episode:

Dr. Whitney shares the principles she's learned as a solopreneur in the health and wellness space, the failures she's faced, and the truths she wishes she would have known from the very beginning.

Episode Takeaways:

This is not an episode about “how to grow a multimillion dollar business” or how to double your following overnight. I really shy away from talking about business because it’s disheartening to see that most of the people making online are people who are trying to teach you how to make money online. This is an episode that comes from many conversations I’ve had recently with people who are wanting to start a side hustle or even a full blown business, but are curious how to do that with the rest of life that’s going on around them.

I’ve recently made a hugely drastic shift in my career and have moved from private practice into a company called Blueberry Pediatrics . It is a shift that still allows me to practice medicine as well as still running Modern Mommy Doc full time. The thinking behind this shift really is born out of these 8 tips I have about running a business while you’re working full time or maybe still taking care of your family.

1) Know your why. We’ve heard it a thousand times, but if we don’t know the driving force behind why we want to do a certain thing, it’s infinitely easier to stop doing it when things get hard. Ask yourself why you’re so committed to this one particular area. In my business, my why is to help, support, and encourage women (specifically working moms) so they don’t feel alone in their journey. So when I’m pulled away from my family for a time period or I’m exhausted from traveling, I remember the greater mission behind what I do.

2) Expect that you’re going to fail. I just pulled the plug on a project we had been working on at Modern Mommy Doc for two years: the Modern Mamas Club app. I thought it was going to be so valuable for moms, when in reality it was just duplicating what we already had. I learned so much through that process and at the beginning, I didn’t know what I didn’t know. Failure is a natural part of growth.

3) Prepare to invest in your business. With your time, with your money, with your emotions. People ask me how I grew and I told them it took a lot of time and a lot of my own money. There were times that that was discouraging, but because all of this was tied to my why, I was able to push forward.

4) Figure out what you can outsource and what has to be done by you. At the beginning you might not have any money to outsource with. But set yourself up for success and know what you’ll hand off when you get to that point. Don’t waste time trying to do it all.

5) Network based on what you love & pay for good PR. When you want to grow your business, network with the people that you genuinely connect with, not just because you might get a sale. Figure out who it would be mutually beneficial for you to get to know. And when it comes to PR, you’ve gotta pay to play the game. PR isn’t for instant leads, but is also a long game like networking. You show up, do the interviews, and every once in a while something will pop and you might get a ton more exposure.

6) Prepare for other people to not be on your level and to try to pull you back down to theirs. No one wants the homeostasis to change. That’s why it’s so important to surround yourself (even virtually) who believe in you and/or who are on the same journey with you. It doesn’t have to be in the same industry, but look out for other working moms that you can get to know.

7) Give something back to yourself along the way. If you aren’t making a single dollar and giving it all away to the business, you’re down a quick path to resentment. I understand all the moms who just over-function and grind it out to get things done (I was one!) but you’ve got to get a reward from the thing that you’ve been putting so much into. A small way I do this is by working at a coffee shop a couple times a week. It reminds me that I’m so grateful for my job, that it’s flexible so that I work where I want, and that I’m in control of my life. A big way I do this is through a travel rotation with my kids and husband. Each trip I go on while consulting, I’ll rotate through taking one daughter, then the next, then my husband, then I’ll do a solo trip. These are trips they never would have been able to take on their own, and it’s a cool way my business gets to give back to my family.

8) The way you set up your business is a marker if you will be successful. Not the way you structure it, but the mindset you have around it. In fact, there are so many parallels between the way I run my business and the things I taught in my newest book, Doing It All: trying to build efficiency into how I do my tasks, batching my work, not spending extra time on stuff that doesn’t matter at all, swapping out for what others can do for me, pairing things that aren’t enjoyable with things that are, not letting things contaminate my time, and making sure my desk, home, and calendar are decluttered.

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SORRY TO BREAK IT TO YOU, BUT I'M NOT THAT NICE...AND I BET YOU AREN'T EITHER

Fri, 05 Apr 2024 20:08:51 GMT

Have you ever been in a crowded grocery store during the holidays or on a Sunday afternoon? Where the aisles are so stuffed that there’s no room for carts and you’re sure you might die of suffocation? (Shoutout to grocery pickup and delivery. When I say it will change your life, it will change. your. life.)

And as you’re standing in front of the spices with your basket sucked into your body as far as it will go, someone bumps you from behind as they walk past. What’s normally our first reaction? “Oh sorry! Let me move a little bit.” And then you try to pretend you can actually squeeze your bones closer together. As if you weren’t the one standing there the entire time.

Now, I’m not saying we shouldn’t be polite or try to make allowances for other humans. BUT, I think this is a perfect example of the exhausting cycle of people-pleasing that we women tend to find ourselves in. As a pediatrician and a mom myself, I've seen firsthand how this tendency to constantly put others' needs before our own can take a toll on our well-being.

This isn’t just about sacrificing for your kids, it’s about constantly putting the world’s priorities in front of your own or letting someone else’s opinion of you dictate your worth.

Why do we do it? Why do we bend over backward to make sure everyone else is happy, even at the expense of our own happiness and sanity? Sometimes, it's a form of self-preservation. We fear the other person's reaction if we dare to assert our own needs or boundaries. Other times, it's simply ingrained in us from years of societal conditioning – the belief that our worth is tied to how much we can do for others.

But here's the harsh truth: people-pleasing only hurts the people pleaser in the end. No matter what your motivation is. In the moment, it may feel like we're avoiding conflict or keeping the peace, but at what cost? We end up sacrificing our own happiness, our own needs, and our own sense of self. We become resentful, exhausted, and ultimately, we lose sight of who we are outside of the roles we play for others.

So, how do we break free from the people-pleasing trap? How do we reclaim our time, our energy, and our sense of self? It starts with awareness. Before you’re even thinking about identifying times or situations when you might be predisposed to people pleasing, you’ve got to first admit that you ARE a people pleaser. That you’re lacking some sort of belief about yourself and the validation you get from the people you’re engaging with feeds the need.

You first have to be aware of what’s going on in your heart and mind, THEN you can start to recognize when you're engaging in people-pleasing behavior . Pay attention to the moments when you say yes to something you don't want to do, you don’t give your opinion when it would clearly be helpful, or when you're putting someone else's needs above your own.

Next, it's time to set some boundaries . And if this is the first time hearing this from me, let me be clear: boundaries are not selfish. They're necessary for our own well-being. So, don't be afraid to say no when you need to. Or yes when it's an unpopular opinion. Or simply saying nothing at all. Practice assertiveness and stand firm in your decisions. And most importantly, know your boundaries BEFORE you get in those situations.

You’re not responsible for other people's feelings. Their reactions are their own, and you’re not obligated to cater to them.

Finally, possibly the most crucial step in overcoming people-pleasing tendencies is to cultivate self-compassion. Be kind to yourself, reminding your brain that it's okay to prioritize your own needs and desires. You’re worthy of love and respect, just as much as anyone else, and when you give into people pleasing, you’re not giving yourself that same value. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer to a friend.

It’s pretty easy to convince ourselves that our people pleasing tendencies are just who we are. That we’re someone who wants everyone to get along. That it’s actually a kind service. That our heart is just so kind to everyone, that we couldn’t possibly rock the boat.

Hate to break it to you, but I’m not that nice. And I’m guessing you aren’t either. We have to stop looking at people pleasing as a virtue and start seeing that instead of helping others in our lives, it’s actually damaging to our own sense of self. We deserve to live a life we love, and that includes putting our own needs at the center of our lives. If you want more help doing it, start here .

THE ONE THING THAT WILL FIX IT ALL

Thu, 04 Apr 2024 13:30:01 GMT

Have you ever bought a planner thinking it was going to fix all your problems? Or made a chore chart for your kids, just sure that this would be the thing that would motivate them to do their jobs with happy hearts?

Two weeks in, the planner has never made it out of your purse and your kids are already complaining about which jobs they have to do that week.

Been there.

That’s the problem when we’re trying to solve things in our lives by looking microscopically. There’s a reason that planner isn’t going to turn you into a whole new person. We’re trying to bandage the symptoms rather than digging into what the problem is as a whole.

Instead, we need to find areas in our lives that, when they’re done well, allow pretty much everything else to fall into place–at least in that area. And when we find those, I’d bet a billion dollars that there’s going to be things that we thought would be the thing that aren’t. And that we need to just ease up on.

Determining your “lynch pins”

A lynch pin in your life is what keeps that whooole thing turning. Without it, the whole system breaks down. But when it’s in the right spot, *chef’s kiss.* Now, I’m not saying one habit or system will give you all your heart’s desires, but there’s certainly areas that will fall into place.

Those lynch pins become your hills to die on. The things that are non-negotiable in your day that make your life just work.

One of my lynch pins is going to bed with a clean sink and clear counters every night. I know that sounds over the top or maybe that it can’t possibly be that big of a deal to make such a huge difference. Lemme explain.

I’ve talked before about how visual clutter can raise cortisol levels, specifically in women. If I walk into the kitchen in the morning and see a sink full of dirty dishes and junk all over the counters, I can physically feel my body grow tense. It’s like a sink full of reminders that I’m not living up to my own or the world’s expectations of me. Who knew dishes had such power?

If those dishes are sitting there while my girls are getting ready for school, inevitably, my oldest daughter’s favorite bowl for oatmeal or my youngest’s water bottle for school will be at the bottom of the pile. If there’s backpacks flung everywhere, there’s for sure papers I haven’t seen or reports I haven’t signed. And all of that makes chaos while we try to get out the door.

And a chaotic mom eeeeasily turns into a yelling mom.

The clean sink is what allows us to actually enjoy (as much as we can) the process of getting ready with our kids in the morning. Or at least doesn’t make us hate it.

Maybe you need to find your lynch pin in your finances. Just like clutter invites clutter (if they see someone else’s dirty clothes on the floor, they’re more likely to just drop theirs there too), unwise spending invites more unwise spending.

So one week of eating out every day for lunch makes it 100x easier to just roll that habit into the next week. Or just assuming there’s money left in the entertainment budget without checking helps you justify going to the movies…and then dinner. And then drinks. So the lynch pin is a weekly 15 minute budget check in. Then you’ve set yourself up for success and you can head to sushi after work totally guilt free.

Maybe you need to let go

For me, those are what I hold on tight to. It’s a very rare occasion that we wake up to dirty dishes, but it’s not because I think my house has to look like a museum. It’s because everything goes SO much more smoothly when it’s done.

On occasion, though, it’s actually a good idea to loosen the reins in some areas in a way that will help other things fall into place. Look at parenting. Let’s say you’re trying to work on your daughter making it through dinner, sitting in her chair the whole time. While you normally wouldn’t allow her to talk with her mouth full or maybe have a little toy in her lap, this might be the season to let that slide.

When you’re first starting to make a budget, you might think you need to tell your husband that he needs to cut his drinks out with his buddies, his subscriptions to gaming, as well as cutting cable. That seems like it might get you to your goals faster.

And, well, it might.

But he would be miserable if you took away all the fun. Which, in turn, would make YOU miserable.

What are the things at home, at work, in your marriage, with your kids that you need to just let go of? What expectations do you need to throw off?

And what do you need to put in place in order to get your systems to be running like a machine? That would bring peace into your home?

I write about how to create these lynch pins and how to decide what to let go of in my new book, Doing it All . It just launched and I can’t wait for it to get in your hands!

TELLING OUR KIDS THE TRUTH ABOUT THEIR BODIES

Thu, 28 Mar 2024 13:30:01 GMT

About Our Guest:

Dr. Whitney practices medicine in Portland, Oregon, where she and her husband raise their two young daughters.

About the Episode:

Dr. Whitney tells a personal story of when her daughter asked her the question we never want to hear as parents, “Am I fat?” She breaks down how she answered and why she said what she did, in hopes that you can be prepared for those conversations in your own family.

Episode Takeaways:

There is a needle we must thread with our children between loving themselves and accepting themselves as they are and also taking care of their bodies. There is so much information coming to parents from medical sources about Body Mass Index and obesity and also from society about body love and body positivity.

This stems from a conversation I had with my 10 year old daughter after I had noticed that habits had been created that were not allowing her to be as active as she once was. She would get winded more easily or tired after not asking much of her body. I told her that I would like to see more movement back in her life because I noticed she had been more sedentary. She could easily walk down the hill from our house to school, but the trip up the (steep, but not too bad) hill was much harder for her. When I told her I would love to see her be more active, she responded, “Why, because I'm fat?” Not what I want to hear as a mom, as a pediatrician, or as an author who is literally about to start a project about this very same idea.

All of this makes me consider different parts of who I am. Number one, I am a standard trained pediatrician. I’m an American Academy of Pediatrics spokeswoman. There are new guidelines for pediatricians on how to address issues like obesity and weight issues in our young kids. There are really real risks when it comes to children and obesity, like diabetes, hypertension, higher risk when you have covid. At the same time, I also fully agree that we need to, as parents, pay attention to the quality of feed we are giving our kids, have our kids be active, and model healthy choices of food and movement to our kids.

The other part of me is the fact that I’m a parent to a special needs kid. She senses things more sensitively and has a hard time with choosing movement. She has softer genetics. There are parts of her that I have to consider when thinking about how far I push her and what I need to prioritize as a parent. Yes, I think about her nutrition, movement, and her physical body but I also think about her mental health and her not being so stressed out about me being militant that she moves that she ends up hating it all together.

Finally, there’s the complicated relationship most women my age have with their body and their body image. I watched my parents do yoyo diets. I did crazy exercise routines as a child and in high school. I heard the negative self-talk from my mom or even how she talked about my body. Even though I am dead set about not passing that to my kids and believe fully in body positivity, those pressures still live inside me and color the way I think. On top of that, there’s our culture that preaches body positivity while also showcasing celebrities that have butt filler or botox or breast implants. While all of those are fine on their own, it’s a juxtaposition of two things that cannot be true at the same time: you cannot tell everybody to accept their body the way that it is and have the beauty industry pushing you to literally become a different version of yourself than who you are.

When answering my daughter, I had lots of different ways I could have answered her. I decided what she needed in that moment was the truth. She needed to know that I didn’t want her to move her body because she was fat (which I have never ever said.) I wanted her to move her body because it’s good for you. For your bones, for your gut, for your heart, and most importantly, for your mind. And I want you to be healthy, not a certain size or weight. It’s so important that our kids hear that our focus is on health, even if we struggle with that internally.

I told my daughter that her body was not broken and it did not need to be fixed. I wasn’t talking about movement to fix something. I’m talking about movement because you only have one body and you have to take care of it by giving what it needs to be healthy and strong. You have to give it food to give it energy. You have to give it hydration, rest, and movement. Otherwise it will not function to the best of its ability.

I really tried to tie in the fact that we talk about her neurodivergent brain being different from others, but being absolutely beautiful. Her brain allows her to do different things than other kids, because she’s advanced in certain ways, and struggles in others. So your body is something that you can be proud of, just the way your mind is something that can bring you pride. It might be different from others, but that doesn’t make it not special. Your brain and body change as you get older, and that’s supposed to happen. That’s incredibly important for our girls to hear.

Lastly, I told her that I don’t care how you describe your body, as long as you do it in love. Fat is not a bad word, just like skinny isn’t a bad word. We think of fat as a bad word and skinny as a bad word, because that’s what women have been told in our modern culture. But that doesn’t make it true. A person is not more valuable because they’re skinny or less valuable because they’re fat. We don’t have to play by these rules that were set up by society.

Consider telling your kids the truth. They need to know what they’re up against, but that they can change the narrative. The way we can change that is by teaching our kids to talk differently to themselves than you do (if you struggle with body image) and to model body positivity even if you’re still struggling with how you look. I don’t want my kids to have those same thoughts as they get older as I do, so that modeling starts with me.

Finally, really be modeling what your kids are seeing on social media. Add keywords that you don’t want them to see into the parental controls. Talk with them about the images they see. Watch the content with them. They will see images of photoshopped and unrealistic women. We have to talk about them with our kids. We have to talk about the truth if we don’t want them to carry that same heavy weight on their shoulders that we have for the last several generations.

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THANKS FOR THE COOKIES IN THE BREAK ROOM, BUT I'M STILL TIRED

Thu, 21 Mar 2024 13:30:00 GMT

Picture with me this very common dinner time family scene: Chicken, cheesy potatoes, and steamed broccoli on everyone’s plates. Adults happily eating. One child trying everything on her plate because she’s a first born and “a pleasure to have in class.”

The other child has finished all of their chicken and potatoes and refuses to eat even a bite of their vegetables.

If you’ve been there before, you’ve probably seen the pattern that comes next: sweetly asking your little one to eat their dinner turns to “just 3 bites.” Which eventually leads to, “If you just lick the freaking broccoli, I’ll give you this 3 scoop sundae.”

Now, what’s the goal here? To get the kiddo to eat their broccoli because it’s good for them and you love them so much that you want them to love eating vegetables so they can grow up healthy and strong.

What’s the problem getting in the way? That, to your kid, steamed broccoli tastes like mushy poop. Even though they’ve never tried it.

So, they lick the broccoli. You give them ice cream. Problem solved.

Except that the next time you serve it or another veggie, you’re gonna be pulling out that ice cream carton earlier and earlier.

Nothing was actually solved, except that your kiddo got to eat ice cream for dinner.

Wellness programs have a real problem.

That’s kinda how I feel about corporate wellness programs or the incentives they give their employees in an effort to show them they are cared for and supported.

90% of employers offer some sort of assistance program to their employees . This could range from mental health assistance to health incentives (like a stipend towards a gym membership) or even bringing in speakers to talk about financial planning or work life balance.

Even if it’s not a formal program, it could be in the form of hiring a massage therapist to come to the office for the day to give out free massages. Or bringing in catered lunches once a week to help offset individual costs.

All of those things are awesome.

However.

If once the ice cream is gone, broccoli is brought back to the table, somebody’s gonna end up crying.

I can speak from my experience as a pediatrician and from my conversations with fellow physician moms.

The research is clear about just how thin we've spread working moms.

Just look at the stats about burnout in my specific profession:

According to a 2019 JAMA study , 55 percent of female providers who were responsible for five or more day-to-day household and parenting tasks considered changing careers. This study also noted female providers were still responsible for the day-to-day household duties within their home, compared to their male colleagues who relied on those female partners to handle things.
A 2022 study lists the specific risk factors contributing to female physician burnout, including time constraints, increased household responsibilities compared to their male colleagues, and health necessities around childbearing, increased maternal age, and mental health.
A 2023 study reported that in 2021, 56% of female providers reported they were burned out, compared to 41% in male physicians due to a lack of resources, less control over their schedules, more time spent with patients than male colleagues, imposter syndrome, gender bias, lower compensation, bias against mother physicians, and challenges in work-life integration.
In a 2017 AMA study , 90 percent of mother physicians felt discriminated against during pregnancy and through postpartum. Pumping time and space is a consistent stressor.

And mine isn't the only profession full of people who need more, real support from their workplaces.

Here's what would really help working moms like me:

Paid parental leave for moms AND dads.
Childcare stipends or, even better, on-site childcare for those who work in brick and mortar settings.
Flexible work schedules and work environments
Representation at the highest levels of leadership
Wellness events centered around meeting all the needs the corporation faceshe conflicting needs of the bottom line, people-first culture, and customer.
Education opportunities for caregivers of all kinds about boundary setting, true self-care, efficiency, and delegation.

The “perks” corporations have used for years and years aren’t doing anything to combat overwhelm and burn out . The workforce is different than it was in 1950, and that means the ways the workplace supports it have to be, too.

Getting a 15 minute massage doesn’t help a mom pick up her daughter from daycare at 4:30, when every department chair meeting is at 5:00 each week. A day out at a spring training game or a staff-wide mini golf tournament doesn’t change the fact that women are being overlooked for positions because they have family obligations.

There’s a lot that employers can and do implement to help support their employees that actually do help. But in the end, the system is broken.

Recently, I left my private practice at a brick and mortar physician office and this general idea contributed a lot to it. I love being a doctor. I love being a mom. And I actually really liked where I worked.

But telling us there’s donuts in the breakroom on Fridays doesn’t help me when my daughter who has autism is having a meltdown, so I’m running 30 minutes late to work. And it certainly doesn’t leave me feeling refreshed and energized to see my patients in the capacity they deserve.

The world deserves women in the workplace that are passionate about what they do, are prepared for what’s on their plate, and who are genuinely supported by their organizations.

Those things actually make the broccoli taste better.

P.S. If you want to find out more about what I'm up to now, you can catch me helping parents virtually at Blueberry Pediatrics . Don’t worry, the “Doc” part of Modern Mommy Doc is definitely here to stay!

HOW TO GET YOUR LITTLE ONE TO SLEEP ANYTIME, ANYWHERE

Thu, 14 Mar 2024 13:30:00 GMT

About Our Guest:

Erin Junker is the founder of The Happy Sleep Company and is a professional infant and toddler sleep consultant.

She writes: I am passionate about children’s sleep. I firmly believe that a well-rested family is a happier, healthier family. I am committed to working with tired parents to help them help their little ones get the healthy rest they need – that means getting amazing, uninterrupted nighttime sleep, and taking proper, restful naps, all within a supportive and guided two-week program!

The tools and knowledge gained through a Master’s Degree in health communications and a Certificate in Infant & Toddler Sleep Consulting have allowed me to help hundreds of families gain amazing, healthy sleep for their children. I also have more than 10 years’ experience in the field of health communications.

Here’s the most important part: I’m a Mom. So, I’ve been there. I am the Mom of an amazing little girl, who wasn’t always such an amazing little sleeper (long before I became a Sleep Consultant!). I have seen, first-hand, the difference that healthy sleep can make to a child and to the entire family unit. When naptimes become easy, bedtimes become joyful, and nights become full of restful sleep, this makes an incredibly positive difference in the overall health, happiness, and well-being of families.

About the Episode:

In this episode, Dr. Whitney talks with Erin Junker, founder and owner of The Happy Sleep Company about practical strategies to help parents get their babies to sleep deeper and longer. Sleep is such an important part of having joy in the home, whether you’re an adult or an infant!

Episode Takeaways:

There is no one-size-fits-all approach to sleep or to parenting in general. Every single family has different backgrounds, experiences, and expectations around what their home and culture will be around their family. So each solution is going to look different, based on what you want your family to be like. Co-sleeping might be what you envisioned, but it’s not working for your family. So sleep coaching comes alongside family when what they’ve been doing no longer works for them or they’re wanting something different. Is what you’re doing sustainable? Maybe something that worked for a while for you and for a moment in time is no longer how you want to move forward.

Great foundations of good sleep habits have to be built first, and that’s what allows you to have the flexibility in the future for naps on the go, napping at other people’s houses, etc… But you must put in just a few weeks of dedicated time to really get those foundations laid first, so when things come up that are out of the norm, it’s not as big of a deal to deviate from the original “plan.” You still want to be able to live your life, but it does require some upfront effort.

Healthy sleep habits can look different for everyone. For some, rocking their baby to sleep can be exhausting and frustrating. For some, it’s the best part of their day. So what’s healthy for one, might be debilitating for others. The biggest piece of early sleep habits are removing “sleep crutches”: things or routines that make it so babies can ONLY fall asleep being rocked, held, etc… When those things help the baby get drowsy, but they are falling asleep on their own, then they are able to get back to sleep on their own when they wake up mid-nap or in the middle of the night.

If you are going to have an on-the-go nap, try to make it a later in the day nap. The first nap of the day is the most important, usually the longest, and usually the easiest. So, if you can, don’t jeopardize that one. And try to limit your on-the-go naps to only a couple days of the week. Your baby is more likely to get less restful sleep when they are not in their crib, once they’ve already established their sleep foundations.

For naps at other places, try to simulate as many of the conditions from your home as possible. Portable crib, portable black out curtains, and a portable sound machine all help babies sleep deeper and longer. Which allows you to enjoy wherever you’re at, rather than just getting a 20 minute nap on you. These are all excellent things to have on your baby registry or to get on the Marketplace! Even try to go through the same bedtime routine, bath, songs, etc…

More resources from The Happy Sleep Company:

Website : https://thehappysleepcompany.com/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thehappysleepcompany/ (@thehappysleepcompany)
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/thehappysleepcompany/
Podcast: Sleep Cues: The Everything Baby Sleep Podcast on Apple and Spotify

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I TOOK MY AUTISTIC DAUGHTER TO SEE TAYLOR SWIFT IN TOKYO. SHE WAS WAY MORE READY FOR IT THAN I WAS

Thu, 07 Mar 2024 14:30:02 GMT

“Mom, you can film any other part of this concert you want to,” my 10-year-old daughter told me, jumping up and down as Taylor Swift prepared to take the stage in Tokyo, “But just be here with me in this special moment right now.”

She was right. Three days earlier, we’d boarded a plane in Portland, Oregon, taken a twelve-hour journey, navigated a complicated train system, and were now waiting for her favorite artist to take the stage. As I pulled out my phone to record Taylor’s entry at the beginning of the show, my daughter gently pulled my ear close to her to remind me about the reason for our journey. It was any Swiftie’s dream, a nd it deserved to be honored.

My child isn’t just any Swiftie, though. She’s autistic and also lives with a severe anxiety disorder and sensory processing disorder. Sometimes she barely wants to get up out of bed to take a walk around the block, much less work up the nerve to expose herself to jet lag and culture shock. We’ve left department stores in years past because the smell was “off” (though my exceptionally good sniffer couldn’t detect a thing). She needs plenty of downtime after playing with friends, curling up like a cat in her room for hours just for “personal space.” She is the smartest, kindest person I know, but she’s also the most sensitive and needy—and most likely to meltdown when faced with the unknown.

So why risk the ultimate disaster by planning a Taylor Swift adventure to a foreign country with my super delicate, hard-to-accommodate child in tow? Because I knew it would bring moments like this.

Of course, we traveled overseas to see the Eras Tour for partly practical reasons (though, arguably, taking a tween to a Taylor Swift concert is hardly practical in the first place). The Tokyo tickets were a fraction of the cost compared to U.S. options. The flights were cheaper than expected. We said ‘yes’ to this adventure, in part, for the same reason so many other Swift fans have traveled to far-flung lands for a chance to sing “Karma” in chorus. But that wouldn’t have been enough for me to pull the trigger. The chance to make this kind of connection with my special needs child was.

Life with a neurodivergent kid is not easy—for her or for me. Our lows are often lower than others’ lows. And that’s why, when opportunities present themselves to grab onto life’s highs, we grab them with full force. We say ‘yes’, even though we’re equal parts excited and terrified about how it will all go. It may all go to hell in a handbasket, but it also could be amazing beyond our wildest expectations.

Making sure our adventure was most likely to succeed meant adjusting many of my travel expectations. The first time we ate sushi was at the airport on the way home from Japan (and she opted for the hotel’s American breakfast each morning, much to my chagrin). We never made it to the Meiji Jingu shrine because her legs were too tired 300 feet from the entrance. I wandered through fish markets and tourist spots alone at non-peak times, knowing it would serve us both better if she had the chance to regroup instead of pushing through for the sake of tourism. This was not the fully culturally-immersive experience I usually aim for when I’m abroad.

I’m okay with all of that, though. The way my daughter extended herself to the Japanese people we met, and especially to her fellow concert-goers, was astonishing. Makena emerged from her shell in ways I had never seen before. She exchanged friendship bracelets. She asked about their favorite songs. She bopped and bounced right alongside them to “Style” and “Bad Blood.” She smiled and nodded in understanding at the woman sitting next to her, who sobbed uncontrollably as Taylor played her surprise songs during the acoustic set. The trip solidified our mother-daughter connection in equal measure. The way we bonded over the novelty of bidets (“It washes your what?!?!” she screamed) and matching kimono bathrobes will live in my mind forever.

Our Taylor Swift adventure is the best thing my daughter and I have ever done together, not just because we got to see an amazing concert in an amazing city, but because of how much it changed us both. Not only did her ability to navigate a sensory overload situation at a stadium concert and the crowded streets of Tokyo surprise me, it also educated me about her unique brand of resilience and maturity. It challenged her in the best ways, exposing her to a new culture she would have never known otherwise. As a person with autism, seeing the forest for the trees in daily life will continue to be a challenge for my daughter. That’s the way she’s wired, and that’s just fine. But this trip showed both of us she could also be just a little flexible and adventurous for the right cause. It also reminded me about how brave she can be when I give her the opportunity.

And, whereas I could have taken the trip to see Taylor with older, easier travel partners, accommodating her needs along the way taught me a ton about prioritizing experience over perfection when abroad. I had to be more present and less focused on checking items off a touristy to-do list if it was going to go well. Maybe most importantly, it reinforced my commitment to celebrate my neurodivergent child’s differences and to never place limits on what she can achieve or who she can be.

Our trip to see Taylor Swift wasn’t anything typical. In fact, it was high risk, but man was it full of great reward. Moments like we had in the Tokyo Dome, my daughter’s little hands clasping onto mine, her eyes shiny with happy tears of true connection, belting out together just how sparkling our special night was, will always be truly flawless in my heart. Don’t worry, Taylor, I won’t ever let it go.

DO YOU HAVE THE TOOLS YOU NEED TO MAKE EQUITY HAPPEN IN YOUR HOUSEHOLD?

Thu, 29 Feb 2024 14:45:00 GMT

About Our Guest:

Dr. Whitney practices medicine in Portland, Oregon, where she and her husband raise their two young daughters.

About the Episode:

In this episode, Dr. Whitney talks about the foundational piece that is missing that we must develop BEFORE we start implementing strategies for equity at home and in the workplace: self-worth. We must decide that we are worth fighting for and that we are valuable before we take on the giant systemic issue of inequity. Without it, there’s not much we’re fighting for and we’ll quickly lose steam and settle into societal norms.

Episode Takeaways:

There are so many great tools out there, like Eve Rodsky’s idea of fair play for equitable workloads in relationships, as well as the minimum standard of care, that are helping women take huge strides towards equity in their home and workplace. However, sometimes, those strategies are a great second step and what we need to do first is to change the foundational principles that are actually holding us back from making that change. In 2023, we have to take ownership of our roles as women and realize that, even in the midst of systemic issues, we are either perpetuating the way we are treated in the workplace and at home or changing the game. We have control over certain aspects of our ability to be treated with the level of value that we actually have and bring to the table. There are 4 things we can do, no matter what our work or home situations are like, and no matter what the policies are that begin with the idea of knowing your self-worth.

#1 We have to be aware of the conditioning that women in America have been getting since we were little, to not be too loud or aggressive and to be a “good little girl.” In recent contract negotiations, I found myself having to really be sure of the value and contribution I bring to the table. If I wasn’t, I would fall into making sure that, ABOVE getting my worth, I was kind. That I was well liked. That no one was mad at me. I always want to bring professionalism with me in my work, but if I do all of those things in place of allowing my contributions to be fairly compensated or even acknowledged, I’m perpetuating poor treatment.

For example, let’s look at the fight for work-from-home vs mandated in-office hours. In many cases, employees find that they actually are more productive at home and are able to work more efficiently, but there’s still a lot of tone-deaf pushback from employers to say that people must work from their physical locations, which generally affects women more than men. When we are aware of those inequities, we have to push past the fear that we won’t be liked or that we need to stay quiet, in order to see real change happen.

#2 Really dig into your self-boundary. There are all types of boundaries, such as boundaries around your time, money, or physical space. We often forget about the most important one, your self-boundary. If you have a really poor self-boundary, that means you’re willing to abandon your own needs for the sake of the team or for the sake of someone else, whose needs you’re putting above your own. Without these self-boundaries, you’re going to end up compromising your worth and it’s going to show up in your bodily symptoms (fatigue, headache, anxiety), usually at a pretty inconvenient time.

#3 Treat yourself with self-compassion, which is the idea that you deserve to treat yourself the same way you would your best friend–with compassion and the benefit of the doubt. When you do this, you’re giving yourself grace for when you’re having a hard time, because you know you have a lot on your plate, you were overwhelmed, or because you were over-functioning. As moms, we’re usually terrible at this. Self-compassion recognizes the feelings that you’re having, validating those feelings, recognizing that you’re not alone in those feelings, and then treating yourself with as much kindness and empathy as possible. This allows you to set stronger self-boundaries and not allow people to treat you poorly, because you feel so strongly about what you’re worth and what you need.

#4 Patience, practice and accountability. You can practice this using some compassionate-assertive language when you’re talking with other people. It allows you to show that you have compassion for what someone is going through, but doesn’t allow you to take on the burden of what they’re unwilling to carry. You also have to have that personal accountability piece in place in order to make sure that change is continually happening, not just the one time someone is called out. We had to do this when divvying up the chores in our house. Once we brought awareness to how much of a load I was taking on, my husband eagerly helped me split our tasks. However, he didn’t really fully jump on board to be consistent, until we had our therapist following up, as well as seeing other couples modeling what they were doing as well. It became our social norm. Finally, I just have to have lots and lots of patience. It’s taken us centuries to get to this point where we’re even aware of the inequities. It’s going to take generations until we get to where we want.

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AN OPEN LETTER TO SUMMER CAMP SCHEDULING SEASON

Thu, 22 Feb 2024 17:27:25 GMT

Dear Summer Camp Scheduling Season,

I hate you.

I’ll get to why, but let me first start by saying how much I want to love you.

For one, my Gen X, working-mom heart is enthralled by the possibility all your camps promise: freedom to work continuously during the summer months while my children frolic along nature trails at outdoor camp, compose masterpieces at music camp, and make the best of friends at sleepaway camp. The offerings you describe in your sign-up newsletters sound magical and adventurous all at once—a far cry from the mundane YMCA Day Camp I attended for weeks on end as a suburban eighties child.

Also, I admire your Type A personality. Even though June is months away, you’re getting all your ducks in a row here in February. The spots for nearly every summer camp option will be filled in just a few short weeks. You plan ahead, and that’s to be commended.

That said, our relationship just isn’t working for me anymore.

Most importantly, I find you incredibly overwhelming, if I’m being honest. There’s no central system to navigate you. I’m on my own to find what camps are appropriate for my child’s age range, are available when I need them, and fit my pre- and post-camp childcare needs. Each year, I waste valuable time I could be spending with my kids researching and organizing all the options. I scour the internet, ask my friends, and even read flyers posted in coffee shops. And, since I carry the mental load in my family as a mom, this is a task I perform solo.

Also, there are different sign-up dates for every camp. That means, unless my kids attended underwater basket weaving camp last summer, AND the administrators send me a pre-registration email, AND I remember to add the pre-registration date to my calendar, my children won’t be weaving anything this year. The same goes for vet camp, swim lessons, or even the janky parkour camp down at the park run by a bunch of untrained teenagers. The camp hours are also different, as are the lists of required materials I’m supposed to buy in preparation, the emergency contact information requirements, and the release forms I’m meant to stuff in my kids’ backpacks on the first day. I’m an organized person, but even I can’t keep it all straight.

Plus, you continue to not respect my money boundaries, asking me to shell out money I don’t have right after the holidays. Is there a payment plan, or do I really have to pay $437 per child per week right now to have them occupied and entertained five months from now? And why, exactly, is it so expensive? I understand these small businesses need to make a dollar, but face paint and hot glue sure must cost a lot. My credit card bill will be $5,000 come March 1. I’ll be paying that off for months, and even that won’t fully meet my summer care needs. There are a few cheaper camp alternatives, but we both know those are hard to come by, and sometimes have their trade-offs. I feel the financial pressure you knowingly put on my shoulders each year and I don’t like it. I think you kind of do, though.

I’m irritated, too, about the way you’re two-faced. Your sign-up website shows pictures of kids laughing and having fun, learning new skills, and staying active. My daughter came home last August and reported that cinematography camp really meant just sitting on bean bags watching Disney Plus for hours. I understand a week is a long time, and I don’t expect my children to be academically stimulated every moment of every day, but I have a subscription to that at home.

Don’t tell me you’re one thing, and then be another. If I hadn’t been trying to work while I paid for you to get my kids’ creative juices flowing, I would have asked for a refund. By the time I finished all my to-dos, though, I was too exhausted.

Maybe the biggest reason I hate you, though, is the way you’ve turned my community into the Hunger Games for the entire month. No, I do not usually set an alarm to wake up at 11:50 pm so I can be sitting at my computer by midnight, my hand hovering over the keyboard. Generally, at that time, I am dead asleep, dreaming about my running list of personal and professional tasks that have yet to be finished. I was sure as hell there last night, though. How else was I going to beat my neighbor, Judy, out for the very last third-grade dance camp spot? I tried not to make eye contact with her at the school pick-up line today, knowing I’m the reason little Evelyn will be home, bored and dejected, July 10-17. It’s ruthless on these streets right now, and you’re the only reason why.

In conclusion, Summer Camp Scheduling Season, you are toxic. You stress me out. You make me broke. You hurt all my other relationships. You put even more of the mental load on my shoulders. And, when I find an alternative to you, I’m leaving. The only problem is, no other solution exists. I guess I’ll have to make one up myself. Let me just add that to my list.

~Whitney

HOW TO TEACH YOUR KIDS ABOUT THE MIND-BODY CONNECTION WITH LAUREN CHAITOFF

Thu, 15 Feb 2024 14:45:02 GMT

About Our Guest:

Lauren Chaitoff is the founder and chief visionary of Yogi Beans , a yoga and wellness technology company for children. Already steeped in the modern fitness world as a Pilates instructor, Lauren's perspective shifted when she was taught about yoga’s mind-body-heart connection, catalyzing her pursuit of higher yoga education. After moving back to New York City, Lauren completed her 200–hour yoga certification through YogaWorks and became a registered E–RYT Yoga Instructor and member of the Yoga Alliance. Lauren is also certified to teach Postnatal Yoga through Yoga Mom, Buddha Baby with Jyothi Larson.

In 2007, Lauren designed a novel curriculum that plants the seeds for authenticity and authentic expression in children. With the help of her husband Brian, the yang to her yin, they created a framework for well-being that is the basis for uniquely enriching wellness experiences for children through both content and activity. You can see their values visualized in the Yogi Beans Manifesto . Lauren is a graduate of Northwestern University, wife to an amazing husband, and mother to her own two beans, Vivienne Bell and Juliette Rose.

About the Episode:

In this episode, Dr. Whitney chats with Lauren Chaitoff, author of 108 Awesome Yoga Poses for Kid s and founder of Yogi Beans, a yoga and wellness company for children. They chat about ways to incorporate yoga practices into your daily life with your children as well as ways moms and kids can show up for themselves best.

Episode Takeaways:

Working moms can often feel like they’re being put in a box. “This is the way it feels to be in a C-Suite.” “This is the way it feels to be successful.” Oftentimes, that doesn’t feel authentic to who they are. But when we show up as our real selves, that’s when we are the most powerful and effective.

There is such a huge mind-body connection that is often skipped over. We don’t realize that our kids' stomach aches are actually anxiety in the mind. As adults, we can check in with ourselves and realize what’s going on. We can ask ourselves, why am I feeling this way right now? And then dealing with it with self-compassion.

The goal is to take the yoga off the mat and into your every day life. And it doesn’t have to be a huge, formal lesson. Put a stuffed animal on their stomach at bedtime and have them do deep belly breaths while they’re doing some “I am” statements. You’ve helped them with their breathing and with their self-confidence.

It all has to start from within and ripples out. If we don’t love ourselves and take care of ourselves, it can’t ripple out to others. If you don’t yourself, you can’t love others. And kids see that and emulate it themselves. The way you show up affects your kids and your family.

Lauren’s new book, 108 Awesome Yoga Poses for Kids , is a great resource to help visually teach kids bite-sized ways for them to start the practice of Yoga. You can find Yogi Beans on Facebook and Instagram and on their website .

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WAKE UP, WORKING MAMA. ARE YOU WASTING YOUR LIFE?

Thu, 08 Feb 2024 14:30:00 GMT

We’re seasoned experts in setting boundaries for other people, aren’t we? Especially our kids. We make sure they don't run into the street, we control their screen time, we establish a schedule that keeps them rested and (mostly) sane.

But there's one boundary that we often forget about, because it’s WAY easier to set this one aside. Because it causes a lot less confrontation and requires less intentionality from us when we forget about it.

This is the boundary that defines our relationship with ourselves.

I wanna dig into setting self-boundaries and why they're crucial for our own well-being, as well as for those around us. We talk a lot about being working moms around here, but this one goes for any human really– especially women who are constantly thrown into the role of she-fault parent.

Self-boundaries separate (and prioritize) our needs from the needs of everyone else. We're so adept at ensuring everyone around us is okay, that we inadvertently (or sometimes purposefully) neglect our own well-being. Because it's easy to fall into the trap of trying to please others, making sure they are happy and content. But at what cost?

Remember that show, The Biggest Loser ? There’s a LOT that we could unpack about that show that was extremely unhealthy, but there was also a lot of reality that we saw over and over: moms who stopped taking care of themselves and put the needs of everyone around them first. Each week, we routinely saw binging and other out of control behaviors highlighted.

Setting and protecting self-boundaries is not only crazy important for our success as moms, partners, professionals, and individuals, it’s legit the only way we can make it out in one piece.

When we constantly prioritize others before ourselves, we quickly lose our internal compass. We have no way to know what our True North is when we’re always pointing people to theirs.

This is why women feel like they aren’t themselves anymore after they have kids. Your own sense of self starts to get erased when you’re constantly preoccupied with other people's feelings and well-being. This lack of self-awareness breeds stress, burnout, and even resentment.

So, how do we set and protect self-boundaries? It starts with self-compassion. Just as you’d extend patience and understanding to a friend or your own child, offer the same to yourself. Recognize that it's okay to prioritize your needs, feelings, and self-care. That’s not selfish; it's self-preservation.

Let’s also look at the self-awareness piece. Pay attention to your thoughts and feelings. When you catch yourself overextending to please others or worrying excessively about how you appear to them, it's time to reevaluate. Remember, you’re not responsible for everyone else's feelings or happiness. It's not your job to carry that burden.

The most important thing you can do is to give yourself permission. Permission to think about your needs at the same time or even before the needs of others. Sometimes, you don’t need to think about other’s needs AT ALL #sorrynotsorry.

It's not about neglecting your responsibilities, but about balancing them with knowing how you will be at your best. You deserve to show up at your highest capacity, both for yourself and for everyone else who relies on you.

Society tells us to parent like we don’t have a career and to make our career like we aren’t a parent. Well, I’m calling bullshit. The only way to do that is to literally never think about ourselves, what makes us run the best race we can, what actually makes us joyful, what makes us bring our best. And to only focus on serve, serve, serve.

And when we do that, we’re actually doing the world a dis- service (see what I did there?) When we’re forever focused on everyone else, we show up less and less as our best and more and more as a shadow of our former selves.

When, instead, what the world really needs is moms who are standing in the gap for their kids, showing them that taking care of themselves is actually making everyone around them even better.

Want more? Tired of feeling like you have to do it all to be a good mom? Guess what? You don't! Check out my newest book release here .

MY DAUGHTER JOINS ME ON THE PODCAST!

Thu, 25 Jan 2024 14:30:00 GMT

About Our Guest:

Dr. Whitney practices medicine in Portland, Oregon, where she and her husband raise their two young daughters.

About the Episode:

In this episode, Dr. Whitney has a special guest, her youngest daughter Mireia. They talk about what it’s like to have a working mom, what it’s like to have a working mom advocate for her, how she feels it’s going in the Casares house, and Mireia even gives some feedback on Dr. Whitney’s new book, Doing It All .

Episode Takeaways:

Excerpt from Doing It All: Stop Over-Functioning and Become the Woman and Person You Were Meant to Be from chapter 1, where we’re talking about your Centered Vision. It’s not about the goals you want to manifest in your life, but rather about in 5-10 years, who is the person you want to be? No matter what’s going on in your life, what do you want to define you? One of the things that I tell women to do before they figure that out is to figure out what brings them joy by looking back to previous moments in their lives that they had joy, even in small moments:

Getting Started: How to Visualize a Purposeful, Aligned Life

Before you start defining your Centered Vision, it’s useful to take a moment to remember and/or imagine what an aligned, purposeful life looks and feels like. The best way to do this is by casting your mind back to times in your current life when you already experienced this (even if only for a few brief moments). When I cast my mind back into the past, searching for those small moments of alignment and purpose, the first image that came to my mind looked like this:

I was snuggled up cozy on a snow day with Mireia and Makena in my queen bed. Miniature specks of snow gathered on the backyard lawn through the curtains— cheap, thin, white ones from Target that I bought on a clearance sale. Mireia was pretending like she was a baby about to be born. She hid under the comforter, her body a little scrumptious mound. I could feel the tiny crumbs of bagel she brought with her from the kitchen under my toes.

“Okay, Mama, say, ‘I wonder if my baby is going to come?’”

Makena piped in: “Yeah, Mama, I think my little sister is about to pop out! I bet she’ll be all gooey and hairy.” Her breath smelled like a mix of morning breath and cream cheese.

Mireia tooted, loud and long. Giggles erupted from the bottom-of-the-bed molehill.

“Shhhhh . . . Okay, okay,” I said, holding back my own chuckles. “Hmm, I can’t wait for my sweet, delicious, going-to-eat-her-toes-she’s-so-yummy newborn to pop out like a peanut.”

Her towhead emerged, and she leapt onto my chest.

“I’m here, I’m here, Mama! I arrived. Your fluffy chick baby!” she squealed. We dog-piled and laughed, and there, in my little nest, everything was right: Crumby, and morning-breathy, and right. There was peace, connection, laughter, and joy.

The second image that came to mind was a memory of Scott and me before the kids were born, on a spur-of-the-moment residency graduation trip to Pamplona, Spain. He wanted to run with the bulls. I was terrified he would die. He didn’t. We reveled in youthful invincibility, aware we were about to dive into real life as we finished graduate school, cognizant of impending adulting and incoming student loan payments. We danced to lyrics we couldn’t fully translate in open-air bars, drinking Kalimoxto, wine literally sloshing underfoot until two in the morning, just happy to be with each other. It was new and passionate and exciting. We’d never been to that city. We’d never done that new thing. We experienced adventure, pleasure, exploration, and joy.

In the third image, I was sitting with a new mom, holding her hands in my hands. She was cradling her eight-week-old infant and her three-year-old toddler in her arms. She was weeping, worried, overwhelmed, and tired. Something was not right with her baby—or maybe with her?

“How can I possibly do this?” she asked. “I am not cut out for this. I am not enough.”

“You are everything your child needs. You can, I promise.” I told her. “We will figure it out together.”

That brought me a sense of contribution, empathy, purpose, meaning, and joy. Now, it’s your turn.

Q&A Portion of the interview:

Dr. Whitney: What do you think of the fact that I write books that sometimes tell stories and show pictures of you, your sister, and our family?

Mireia: I think it’s a great way to show your love for our family.

Dr. Whitney: Do you remember that game we used to play where you would pretend to be my baby that was ready to come out? What did you like about it?

Mireia: I loved that every single time I came out, I could see your smile and laughter.

Dr. Whitney: I liked that we were all snuggled up close together. What’s your favorite time that we spend together?

Mireia: Probably Christmas. I like when you cuddled up with me last year on the 24th.

Dr. Whitney: What makes you feel most loved?

Mireia: When we’re cuddled up together.

Dr. Whitney: I think when we have our time that’s just you and I together, that’s when you like it the most. Do you think it’s more important what kind of time we spend together or how much time we spend together.

Mireia: How much time.

Dr. Whitney: Wrong! Just kidding. But answer me this, does it bug you when I’m distracted when we’re supposed to be spending time together? Like maybe I’m working on my computer or on my phone?

Mireia: What do you think?

Dr. Whitney: Straight from the horse’s mouth. I know it’s so irritating to you guys. Mireia is always good about reminding me “no phones!” or closing my computer when we’re supposed to be having time together. And I totally get it. It’s such a good reminder for both your dad and me. What would you tell moms to do to be the best moms that can be? And don’t say something like “buy your kids everything they want.”

Mireia: I won’t! Do the best you can do for them and provide as much as you can for them.

Dr. Whitney: That’s a good thing to say! Do you think that when you’re a mom…well, let me back up and ask, do you think you will want to be a mom someday?

Mireia: Yes

Dr. Whitney: I didn’t want to assume. When you become a mom, do you think you wanna work?

Mireia: Yes

Dr. Whitney: What do you think you want to do?

Mireia: Can I be anything? I think I want to do stunts.

Dr. Whitney: Ooooh like acrobat stunts? You would be great at that! Mireia is great with aerial acrobat stuff. They can’t see you but if they could, you could show them that you can do the splits. You’re awesome at that. Here’s my question, how are you going to do it all? If you’re going to be a mom and do your stunts and maybe have a job…

Mireia: I think I want to be a doctor too.

Dr. Whitney: Oh really? Okay! How are you going to do it all?

Mireia: I’m going to try my best at work and provide as much as I can.

Dr. Whitney: Do you think you’ll do this all with someone else or by yourself?

Mireia: With someone else.

Dr. Whitney: How do you make it so both of you guys help?

Mireia: Maybe to get my husband to work the exact same way I do.

Dr. Whitney: That’s a good plan. Okay what do we do in our family when I make a mistake? Well, first of all, do I ever make mistakes?

Mireia: Yes. Something that you do is cry and plead to us.

Dr. Whitney: Plead to you? What do you mean? Say more.

Mireia: Sometimes you cry and you tell us you’re sorry for what you’ve done.

Dr. Whitney: That’s true. Sometimes I do cry and tell you I’m sorry for what I’ve done, because I make mistakes all the time. It’s not a secret. That’s what I tell all the moms that are listening that that’s what they should do too. That if they make a mistake, they’ve got to say they’re sorry and that will help them out a bunch. What do we do in our family when you make a mistake?

Mireia: Say I’m sorry. Most families do that.

Dr. Whitney: Do we also say, “I love you” first?

Mireia: Yep.

Dr. Whitney: Okay, why do you think moms should buy Doing It All?

Mireia: It has a lot of good advice in it about parenting and being a working mom.

Dr. Whitney: You have been a part of Modern Mommy Doc basically since the day you were born or maybe since you were 6 months old. What do you think I do at Modern Mommy Doc?

Mireia: You try to get people to buy your book.

Dr. Whitney: HA! Well, I guess that’s true. But what do you think I do to try to help people? What’s the point of Modern Mommy Doc?

Mireia: To inform the readers of your book to help people being moms. Not that you guys need help. You’re doing a great job.

Dr. Whitney: No you’re right. It’s to help with being a mom, because lots of moms feel like they’re not doing a good job all the time. And they feel like they have to do all the things all the time. But what I heard you say is that you feel the most loved when it’s just you and me spending time with each other and being together. And that the rest of that stuff doesn’t really matter for being a mom.

Okay some pop questions for you to end things out. Rapid fire. What’s your favorite color?

Mireia: Purple.

Dr. Whitney: What’s your favorite toy?

Mireia: I like my LOL Doll.

Dr. Whitney: What’s your favorite holiday?

Mireia: Christmas, because we get to spend time together.

Dr. Whitney: What’s your favorite candy?

Mireia: Airheads!

Dr. Whitney: And if you could go anywhere in the entire world, where would you go and what would you do?

Mireia: Probably to Hawaii, just me and you. And I would snuggle you. And go shopping!

Dr. Whitney: Can’t forget that last part! Alright you guys, what I read from Doing It All with Miss Mireia here, who’s telling it like it is, was from chapter 1. The book is about 10 chapters long, not including the conclusion, and it starts with you trying to rediscover or redefine what you care about in your life, where do you want to spend your time, energy and focus. Then we go into what makes it really difficult to do that in the world. I could tell you what to do all day long, but you’re going to keep coming back to me and telling me that the world is against you and that makes it hard to do what you do.

Mireia: The world isn’t against me!

Dr. Whitney: I think sometimes moms think the world is against them.

Mireia: Well it’s not against me.

Dr. Whitney: Good! I’m so glad that you feel that way! That means we’re doing our job and making it better for girls!

The next part is all about the strategies for how to deal with all the stuff that shouldn’t define you, but you have to get done. We talk about the non-negotiables, all the stuff that just you have to do. We talk about the swappables, all the stuff that you can give to someone else to do–like you kids doing chores. Then we talk about how to specifically deal with your partner. Then we talk about the contaminators, all the junk in your house that clutters things up or the junk in your schedule.

Then we talk about the heartstrings…and there’s a special chapter that features Mireia called “Boundaries and Booby Snuggles.” And then we talk about how you’re able to take care of yourself in a real, deep enough way to be able to build a strong enough foundation to do all those things I just talked about. And there’s a section on where to start first. And there’s a section on actually parenting on what matters most.

The biggest thing about the book that I want to say is that it can be overwhelming to think of adding one more thing to your life that you’re trying to fix. This framework is designed to give some structure around stuff that you already do and think about all day long. And it’s really to give a nod to the fact that all of this stuff isn’t singular, it’s very complex and all requires complex solutions. And all of it takes practice. So it’s not about adding something else to your plate, it’s about helping you to take more off your plate. And helping you to be more intentional, thoughtful, and purposeful around the way you do it.

Okay, Mireia, is there anything else you want to say before we sign off?

Mireia: Peace out.

Dr. Whitney: Alright, bye you guys!

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SPOILER ALERT: YOU CAN'T MANIFEST YOURSELF TO A BETTER LIFE

Thu, 18 Jan 2024 14:30:00 GMT

“I am at peace with myself. I always have abundantly more than I need. My family is a joy and life-giving.”

Ah, the good ol’ positive affirmation.

Where you focus your attention and thoughts on what you want your life and feelings to be like and not allow yourself to be pulled down by negativity and self-destruction. And then your life magically starts to go in that direction.

Here’s the deal, I firmly believe that if you have negative self-talk, you’re going to have a much harder time pushing through life. You’ll be disconnected from other people, you’ll have a harder time in relationships, and you’ll certainly be more apt to view things in a negative light.

When you’re constantly swirling around negative thoughts and telling yourself those “stories” that aren’t true, you’re almost creating another reality for yourself. Which makes it a lot more difficult to cut through that noise and see what’s really happening.

The longer and more deeply rooted those thought patterns are in your brain, the higher your cortisol level is raised . And higher cortisol levels, over time, cause higher blood pressure and other cardiovascular problems , weight gain, severe fatigue, and difficulty concentrating.

It legit messes with your body.

On the flip side, if you’re training your brain to remember and look for the good things in life, you’ll see the opposite to be true. But this is where it gets messy: affirmations alone don’t actually change your life . And a lot of the time, you’re surrounded by circumstances that just aren’t gonna change. Like your marriage or your job or your kids.

Instead of trying to manifest and escape your way into this new life where things just simply fall into place, what if you decided to view your life with radical acceptance, own the experiences you’re going through, and work within the life you already have? What if you learned to focus yourself on YOUR priorities and what mattered the most to you, so that you could lead a life you love?

My newest book, Doing It All: Stop Over-Functioning and Become the Mom and Person You Were Meant to Be , lays out a framework unlike anything else, on exactly how to create that life, centered on you and what’s most important.

And when I say “exactly how,” I mean it. I wouldn’t be living up to my oath as a pediatrician and my expertise in the public health arena if I just threw some affirmations your way, told you to connect to the universe, and feel it within yourself. Honestly, that stuff falls WAY short of being to make noticeable, long lasting change.

What you need is a framework laid out that gives you step by step how to take the life you have now and to work within it. Not creating a new you or a new reality, but making practical shifts that help you truly thrive and take ownership of the life you’re in NOW.

Instead of:

Feeling like you’re a yo-yo on a string, swinging between everyone else’s needs but never taking care of your own
Rearranging your schedule to accommodate classroom volunteer requests
Working into the night on emails because you left the office one hour earlier for your kid’s dentist appointment
Researching therapists for your anxious teen, blaming yourself for not being present enough in the early years
Feeling like every day is a diabolical game of Whac-a-Mole, with regret and stress the only “prizes”

Imagine your life where you:

Only commit to projects on the job that energize you and provide true value to your team.
Say yes to the committees that will use your skills best, or simply say no for now.
Set personal and professional boundaries around communication and availability to your employer and extended family.
Make room to enjoy and invest in your kids, and have clear, realistic goals for parenting success.
Prioritize time to recharge.

This book is different from any other out there–trust me, I’ve looked. Because it’s not just a chore chart to get your house and kids organized. It’s not just a way to timeblock your days so you can be more productive and effective at work. It takes those types of principals and allows you to customize them to YOUR life. Not the life of the latest podcaster, influencer, or author.

Your life. The one you’ve got right now. But focused where you want to give the most of your time, energy, and attention.

Doing It All comes out January 30th, but there’s still time to get your pre-orders in so you can get those kick-ass bonuses (one of with is a 1:1 session with me!) Grab your copy here !

ONLY SELF-WORTH WILL SAVE YOU

Thu, 11 Jan 2024 14:30:00 GMT

About Our Guest:

Dr. Whitney practices medicine in Portland, Oregon, where she and her husband raise their two young daughters.

About the Episode:

In this episode, Whitney talks about the foundational piece that is missing that we must develop BEFORE we start implementing strategies for equity at home and in the workplace: self-worth. We must decide that we are worth fighting for and that we are valuable before we take on the giant systemic issue of inequity. Without it, there’s not much we’re fighting for and we’ll quickly lose steam and settle into societal norms.

Episode Takeaways:

There are so many great tools out there, like Eve Rodsky’s idea of Fair Play for equitable workloads in relationships, as well as the minimum standard of care, that are helping women take huge strides towards equity in their home and workplace. However, sometimes, those strategies are a great second step and what we need to do first is to change the foundational principles that are actually holding us back from making that change. In 2023, we have to take ownership of our roles as women and realize that, even in the midst of systemic issues, we are either perpetuating the way we are treated in the workplace and at home or changing the game. We have control over certain aspects of our ability to be treated with the level of value that we actually have and bring to the table. There are 4 things we can do, no matter what our work or home situations are like, and no matter what the policies are that begin with the idea of knowing your self-worth.

#1 We have to be aware of the conditioning that women in America have been getting since we were little, to not be too loud or aggressive and to be a “good little girl.” In recent contract negotiations, I found myself having to really be sure of the value and contribution I bring to the table. If I wasn’t, I would fall into making sure that, ABOVE getting my worth, I was kind. That I was well liked. That no one was mad at me. I always want to bring professionalism with me in my work, but if I do all of those things in place of allowing my contributions to be fairly compensated or even acknowledged, I’m perpetuating poor treatment. For example, let’s look at the fight for work-from-home vs mandated in-office hours. In many cases, employees find that they actually are more productive at home and are able to work more efficiently, but there’s still a lot of tone-deaf pushback from employers to say that people must work from their physical locations, which generally affects women more than men. When we are aware of those inequities, we have to push past the fear that we won’t be liked or that we need to stay quiet, in order to see real change happen.

#2 Really dig into your self-boundary. There are all types of boundaries, such as boundaries around your time, money, or physical space. We often forget about the most important one, your self-boundary. If you have a really poor self-boundary, that means you’re willing to abandon your own needs for the sake of the team or for the sake of someone else, whose needs you’re putting above your own. Without these self-boundaries, you’re going to end up compromising your worth and it’s going to show up in your bodily symptoms (fatigue, headache, anxiety), usually at a pretty inconvenient time.

#3 Treat yourself with self-compassion, which is the idea that you deserve to treat yourself the same way you would your best friend–with compassion and the benefit of the doubt. When you do this, you’re giving yourself grace for when you’re having a hard time, because you know you have a lot on your plate, you were overwhelmed, or because you were over-functioning. As moms, we’re usually terrible at this. Self-compassion recognizes the feelings that you’re having, validating those feelings, recognizing that you’re not alone in those feelings, and then treating yourself with as much kindness and empathy as possible. This allows you to set stronger self-boundaries and not allow people to treat you poorly, because you feel so strongly about what you’re worth and what you need.

#4 Patience, practice and accountability. You can practice this using some compassionate-assertive language when you’re talking with other people. It allows you to show that you have compassion for what someone is going through, but doesn’t allow you to take on the burden of what they’re unwilling to carry. You also have to have that personal accountability piece in place in order to make sure that change is continually happening, not just the one time someone is called out. We had to do this when divvying up the chores in our house. Once we brought awareness to how much of a load I was taking on, my husband eagerly helped me split our tasks. However, he didn’t really fully jump on board to be consistent, until we had our therapist following up, as well as seeing other couples modeling what they were doing as well. It became our social norm. Finally, I just have to have lots and lots of patience. It’s taken us centuries to get to this point where we’re even aware of the inequities. It’s going to take generations until we get to where we want.

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HATERS GONNA HATE

Tue, 02 Jan 2024 22:09:32 GMT

When I started Modern Mommy Doc in 2017, I had no idea it would grow to serve the women that it does now. All I knew was that, as a working mom, I was constantly feeling the same thing: the push and pull to be everything at home and at work, while still feeling like I wasn’t good enough at either.

And I knew that everything I was seeing every day in my pediatric clinic confirmed that just about every other working mom out there was feeling the same thing. And I wanted to start changing that.

Since then, I’ve written books with the American Academy of Pediatrics. I’ve spoken to thousands of people on corporate stages at companies like Adidas, Cerave, and Gerber. I knew I was helping create change.

But I was still hearing from women that there was this expectation that they were feeling (whether it was because they were putting it on themselves, or because society as a whole just hasn’t gotten their act together), that they could never live up to. That they were supposed to still be “doing it all” and look good while doing it.

And yet…

An Ohio State University study showed 66 percent of working parents feel like they have nothing left to give. Burned out, desperate working moms are ineffective workers and parents. And a New York Times exposé highlighted how systems-level forces OR personal factors can reduce working mom struggles.

Even if our work cultures aren’t as supportive as they could be, our kids aren’t perfect as we wish they were, or our partners are still learning to pull their weight, we don’t have to keep on suffering. You CAN stop over-functioning, stop blaming yourself, and create a life you love—no matter what your current circumstances. Not everyone thinks so, though.

Check out the haters who commented on my most recent viral Instagram post AND check out my (very nice) rebuttals:

Hater: "What? I'm sorry, I think I took a nap in the middle of that."

My Response: "Probably because you're so exhausted!"

Hater: "These are just complaints because you don't want to work hard. I'm not hearing you describe any work here."

My Response: "It's all about working hard! Just not on everything, all at once."

And Finally, Not a Hater But I Saw This Mama So Fully: "Oh man, seems so obvious reading it like that...that's a lot of work to be doing."

My Response: "That's why I just had to post it. It's incredibly obvious when we see it written out like this but it doesn't feel so obvious when we're living it!"

I write ALL about this in my new book, Doing It All: Stop Over-Functioning and Start Becoming the Mom and Person You Were Meant to Be. It is written for the working mama that is, shockingly enough, trying to do it all. You’ve been there, right? Trying to juggle all the things. Trying to kill it at work. And home. And in your relationships. And you can’t rely on all the things that are outside your control to actually change–and certainly not change remotely fast enough for you to see some real margin brought in your life. Doing It All shows you how to create a framework to organize your stress so that you can finally give your time, energy, and attention to what really matters. This book shows you how I did it and how life-giving (and simple!) those changes can be.

In the book I walk you through this lifestyle shift in 3 concrete ways:

Motivation and Education : I’ll give you the information and encouragement you need to go from Conflicted to Centered using all my expertise and experience in the public health and pediatrics worlds. And I’ll show you exactly how to break through the barriers that you’ll face.

Build Your Framework: I’ll give you actionable steps toward reaching your work-life integration goals.

Live a Centered, Purposeful Life: You’ll get the resources to keep going on your Conflicted to Centered journey long after you finish reading. I’ll give you the tools you need as you head out on this new path toward more purpose and fulfillment.

That’s the basic mission of Modern Mommy Doc: to empower working moms like you to stop over-functioning, and to reprioritize your own needs so you can be the parents, professionals, and people you’re meant to be. And that’s what I’m serving up with this book.

This book is for you if you’re a:

Working mom with your “act together”

You reeeeally want to be perceived like you have it all together. You’re balancing the needs of work, daycare, home, and marriage, and on the outside it seems like you’re doing well. But you struggle with purpose, meaning, self-care, and self-prioritization, and occasionally either blow up or retreat inward.

Sometimes you dream of just running away from it all and really want solutions to make your work feel “worth it.”

“Hot mess” mom

You just can’t keep up. If you get ten minutes to walk with friends, it's a verbal dumping ground of everything you have to do. You’re a walking to-do list, but can never catch up, no matter what you try. You’re known for showing up late to any Zoom call, always apologizing, and you absolutely don’t have time to put on clean clothes and a little makeup in the morning. You’re feeling that victim mentality hard, but don't see a way out of it.

What you really want is some order in your life and you’d love to get out of the fight or flight feeling every single day.

“Coping” mom

If anyone asks you how you’re carrying the mental load, you’ll bust out your elaborate self care plan that you're sure will cure everything. Or you might offer to vent over a bottle of wine, on a weeknight. You’re turning to your vices to cope, and it isn’t working. You immerse yourself in self-care and health, or maybe even cocktail hours with friends a bit too often, hoping to stave off the big questions of motherhood and life. But, you lack meaning and purpose, hiding behind your next half marathon, or your elaborate calendar. And in all of that, you’re pretty lonely.

What you really want is to be seen, explore the big tough questions safely without judgment, and for some real systemic change that makes an actual difference for you.

“Special needs” mom

You aren’t participating in your town’s special needs mom group, because honestly? You’re super pissed to be a “special needs” mom. While you’re mitigating a new tantrum or explaining away unconventional behavior to another play date mom, you’re dying inside wishing for a “normal” kid. But you can’t admit that to ANY one. You’re constantly wondering where to put all this rage, the piles of decisions and appointments, or where to find the endless well of energy needed.

What you really want is a “regular” kid even though you love yours unconditionally, and some serious, real mom empathy from others who get it. And maybe a new set of actually achievable mom standards for how to function in this life that doesn’t always look like other families’ lives.

HR/Culture Team in the corporate world

Your team has noticed that moms in particular are having trouble with the traditional 9-5 schedule they maintain at your company. You’re seeing them asking to leave early or come in late multiple times per week. Increases in absenteeism, in the winter especially, when kids get sick. You’re not sure how to improve company culture and maintain expectations, while empowering the parents you know are normally top performers.

What you really want is an improved workplace environment to support employees without sacrificing profits and productivity but wonder if that’s even possible.

Working mom life balance advocates/leaders

You are the Chamber of Mothers, the doulas and birth workers, the doctors, the authors, and other leaders pushing for change across the topic of work and motherhood.

What you really want isn’t just another mom coach, but someone with a medical and research-driven background.

If you fall into any of those buckets, my newest book, Doing It All: Stop Over-Functioning and Become the Mom and Person You’re Meant to Be, needs to be in your hands. You can pre-order it here …and trust me, you’re gonna want to get those pre-order bonuses!

Bonus #1: FREE LIFETIME ACCESS to the Modern Mamas Club app, including over 30 hours of video lessons on Dr. Whitney’s framework, navigating kids behaviors and emotions, and parenting in partnership

Bonus #2: 1:1 COACHING SESSION WITH DR. WHITNEY: Spend one hour with Dr. Whitney, setting a solid foundation for yourself as you dive into Doing It All.

Pre-order today because those bonuses are only good through January 29, 2024!

MANAGE LIKE A MOTHER: TRANSLATING "MOM SKILLS" INTO "BOSS SKILLS"—WITH VALERIE COCKERELL

Thu, 28 Dec 2023 14:45:01 GMT

About Our Guest:

Valerie Cockerell was born and raised in France where she graduated from Institut Pitiot-Lyon II with a degree in Business hospitality. She participated in the World Showcase Fellowship program at Epcot in 1987/88. After working as an investment advisor for a bank, she eventually joined Disneyland Paris in 1991 as a retail manager and ran multiple merchandise locations in the Resort division. She eventually joined the Merchandise Buying Office and oversaw the assortment planning for all Resort merchandise locations at Disneyland Paris.

Upon moving to Florida in 1997, Valerie worked as the Assortment Planning Manager at Downtown Disney and Epcot Center. She eventually moved to Merchandise Brand Management for both Epcot and the Disney Cruise Line. Valerie left the company and started consulting for outside organizations in the retail world. She returned to Disney in 2013 to become a contract facilitator for Disney Institute. She facilitated professional development classes and custom programs in both French and English. She drew from her international management experience in retail and operations to teach Disney’s approach to Leadership Excellence and Customer Service.

Since May 2019, Valerie has been a keynote speaker and facilitates workshops with her husband Dan. She shares her expertise and methodology in leading teams and delivering outstanding customer service. With her new book, Manage like a Mother , Valerie brings a simple to understand and easy-to-implement take on leadership inspired by a mother's playbook.

You can find more information about her book here .

You can email her at valerie@cockerellconsulting.coma and find out more about her consulting services here .

About the Episode:

In this episode, Dr. Whitney chats with Valerie Cockerell, author of Manage Like a Mother. They discuss how, as moms, we can be (and should be) confident in our ability to lead in the workplace, because we have so much experience leading as moms and because of our “mom skills” that can absolutely be translated into “boss skills.” They also chat about how women can stand out in their workplace by using the leadership skills they’re uniquely gifted in.

Episode Takeaways:

Women who have been in and out of the workforce constantly question, “Am I still relevant? Do my skills still matter?” But what we’ve regularly seen is that what is required to be a “great leader” is not much different than what it takes to be a great mom and what we do as moms. Both require things like healthy relationships with people, emotional intelligence, and coaching and developing other people.

Just like in parenting when you adjust the way you show love to your child, based on who they are and what they like and dislike, we need to adjust the way we show appreciation to those we are leading, based on who they are and how they operate.This is where emotional intelligence comes into play. You have to pay attention to feedback and nonverbal cues to understand them better so you can customize the way you’re showing appreciation.

Generally speaking, men approach leadership much differently than women do. And for decades, women came into the workforce thinking that, in order to be an effective leader and move up the corporate ladder, they needed to lead and behave like men.

Recently, studies have shown that servant leadership and emotional intelligence are better approaches–both of which women are uniquely prepared with, often because of motherhood. Men need to recognize and see the value in that and leverage the fact that women bring a new leadership approach. And when you combine the two approaches, that’s when there is wealth, success, and power.

You are the most powerful when you are yourself. When you show up as your authentic self and when you help to raise up other women to be their most authentic selves in the workplace and to bring everything that they are, that’s when you’ll make systemic societal change in the workplace.

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NEW YEAR, SAME ME

Thu, 21 Dec 2023 19:41:58 GMT

5…4…3…2…1…HAPPY NEW YEAR!

And just like that, I’m now a brand new person who won’t eat the second brownie when she’s anxious or sad, who won’t yell at her kids, and who will journal for 30 minutes every single morning. Pretty weird that the clock striking midnight has such incredible power over us, isn’t it?

That’s obviously not how it works.

I mean, it’d be a lot easier if it did.

But this is the kind of backwards thinking we hear all about this time of year. All the things other people have told us are worthwhile to accomplish are goals we feel compelled to crush. But just throwing out that you’re gonna read a book every week because you saw somebody on Instagram do it doesn’t mean you’re anywhere closer to making that happen.

What most goals and New Year’s resolutions are lacking is any connection to who you are. Any intrinsic motivation and value.

Reading that many books sounds like a great thing to do. But what if your job means early mornings and busy days until you pick your kids up, and then rushing home for dinner before practices? And the first time all day you haven’t been responsible for something or someone else is seconds before your head hits the pillow.

Doesn’t sound like a recipe for some deep reading to me. And it won’t be, because it clearly doesn’t align with the life you’ve created for yourself.

New Year’s resolutions shouldn’t be about setting specific goals around what you’ll accomplish, but rather who you’ll be and how you want to exist.

Your goals need to be connected to what’s most important to you: your priorities and your values. They need to center around what your life would look like if it were aligned with what mattered most to you. Why? Because when you understand what you care about the most, you can be more intentional about focusing more of your time, energy, and attention on those endeavors, just like Stephen Covey talks about in his book, First Things First. At Modern Mommy Doc, we call the five most important priorities + values in your life The Center Point s . In my new book, Doing it All , I walk moms through exactly how to define what those center points are.

Circumstances WILL get in the way.

I'm a mom to a 10-year-old daughter with autism. Her diagnosis affects the way my family functions every single day, but some days (namely if she is tired, stressed, or out of her routine) it outright demolishes any plans we’ve made. When Portland Public School teachers went on strike for a month in November, for example, we were in full-on survival mode. Blog articles weren’t written. Non-essential emails went unanswered. Even if I’d committed to starting a new business venture, it would NOT have happened while I tried to manage my child’s irritability and anxiety. Leaning into radical acceptance about the circumstances you can’t change, or that will be slower to change than you want them to be, is one of the most important skills a mom can learn.

The only resolutions that will stick are the ones that are based on meeting your true needs.

Let’s look at the number one New Year’s resolution topping a majority of lists: weight loss. First, is it weight loss you really want (and if so, why? ) or is it to be healthier? If you’re choosing to adopt healthier habits like eating foods that will give you more energy, or moving your body for better joint health, that’s one thing. If you’re succumbing to society’s pressure to be rail thin, though, that’s quite another (by the way, most of us have been there , so take heart, mama. It’s a very messed up, complicated world when it comes to body love). That desire for thinness comes from outside of you, not from your truest self. And even if you do lose the weight, you probably won’t keep it off, or be any happier when you do.

What to do when you feel like you’re consistently not showing up as your best self and want a change.

Re-evaluate your values and the activities that bring you joy and energy – these are your priorities (aka your Center Points ). This may feel like a heavy lift but investing time auditing how you currently spend your time and energy vs how you want to always pays dividends long term.
Discover strategies for the rest of the to-dos in your life that need to get done but shouldn’t define you. At Modern Mommy Doc, I break these into four categories: the Non-Negotiables, the Swappables, the Contaminators, and the Heartstrings.

The Non-Negotiables: Tasks you have to get done that only you can do.

The Swappables : Tasks that others could and should do for you.

The Contaminators: Tasks or things that clutter your calendar or environment.

The Heartstrings: Tasks you want to do but that, if you give too much of yourself to without healthy boundaries, will ultimately deplete you.

Lean HARD into knowing who you are and taking care of yourself. That means accepting the parts of yourself that you can’t change, honoring your deepest needs , and giving yourself compassion when you mess up , get stuck, or feel lost as a working mom.
Practice, practice, practice. Use this Centered Life Blueprint framework as a North Star you can come back to again and again.

I write about all of these and more in my upcoming book, Doing it All . I can’t wait to share it with you just as the New Year gets underway. Make sure you don’t miss out on the pre-order bonuses we have going right now, too. They include a FREE 1:1 Consultation with me to start you out on the right path from January 1.

"IT TAKES A VILLAGE" LOOKS A LOT DIFFERENT THESE DAYS — WITH GABBY SLOME

Thu, 14 Dec 2023 14:30:00 GMT

About Our Guest:

Gabby is the Co-founder and CEO of Cooper , a parenting mecca offering parents (and parents to be) with the tools and resources to build their parenting muscle and become the parents they want to be. Cooper offers on demand access to leading experts in child development and likeminded parents, 24/7. Group sessions, live events/workshops and “always on” one-on-one support are spearheaded by top tier experts including PhD’s, educators and licensed clinical social workers with decades of experience. Cooper’s mission is to equip parents with more effective ways of seeing and solving parenting challenges at home.

Prior to founding Cooper, Gabby spent her early career working with founding teams at multiple e-commerce startups including Rent the Runway and Primary.com . From there, she founded her first company out of Columbia Business School - Ollie, a DTC subscription dog food company. As Co-founder and Chief Experience Officer she grew Ollie to over 65k members, 100 employees and raised $75M in venture capital financing. During the heart of the pandemic she brokered a large strategic investment which has put Ollie on the path to acquisition, allowing her to step out and move on to her newest venture. As mother to Sasha (5 years old) and Asher (3 years old), and Rayah (8 months old), she knows the challenges parents face and the need for a partner in the parenting journey such as Upright.

Gabby earned her B.A. and MBA from Columbia University and currently lives in New York City with her husband, three young children and dog.

You can more information about Cooper here.

You find out more information about Gabby here.

About the Episode:

Gabby and Dr. Whitney talk about the pressure moms feel to do parenting “right” and how unrealistic (and ultimately damaging) that is for parents and for kids. If you want to be an effective parent, it’s all about paying attention to who your individual child is and to the five major parenting “must dos:”

1. Be sensitive and responsive.

2. Model self-regulation.

3. Set limits for yourself and your kids.

4. Allow space for unrestrained skill development.

5. Support internal motivation and resilience over external motivation.

6. Develop healthy routines.

Episode Takeaways:

There’s no one size fits all when it comes to parenting. All kids are different, so cookie cutter parenting suggestions often fail. What worked 50 years ago (even 10!) just isn’t the same now, and when there’s so much information out there, it’s way too hard to digest on your own and make the decision that’s right for you and your family.

Consider this blanket permission to streamline your efforts with your kids because children really only need a few things for long-term health and resilience: unconditional love, safety, attunement, and a growth mindset. And, if you invest in your children’s well-being in those meaningful ways now, you’ll watch them develop into the successful, unique, world-changing adults they were meant to be and enjoy the strong, life-long connection we’re building with them.

Parents all come into their parenting journey with incredibly different backgrounds, baggage, and stories. So you need to give yourself grace when taking advice from other parents. Just because one person is stellar at bedtime doesn’t mean you should be too.

Finding your parenting village is incredibly important, but it’s not just the people that surround you physically, like your neighborhood or at your kids’ school. It’s more important to “surround” yourself (even virtually!) with people who are in or have been in the same situation as you--like other moms who work/work from home/stay at home like you, or who have kids the same age, going through the same things you are.

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ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOU...DOING MORE AROUND THE HOUSE

Thu, 07 Dec 2023 14:30:00 GMT

Nothing gets me more angry than those stupid Lexus commercials every Christmas. The ones where the man walks the woman outside to a beautiful snowy wonderland with his hands over her eyes. And then when she opens her eyes she sees the brand new car with the big red bow.

Aside from the fact no woman I know would be okay with her partner dropping $60k on a vehicle without consulting her first, the more troubling part is this: we ALL know that these commercials are fake and not rooted in any reality whatsoever. But it still plants this idea that gifts are what every mom wants and needs to make their holiday magical. That one grand gesture makes up for the rest of the year when you’re feeling like you’re all alone in running the house, working a full-time job, and taking care of the kids.

There’s NOTHING wrong with wanting something sparkly under the tree (Scott, if you’re reading this–take notes). I just want a world where the magic of the holiday season isn’t 100% created by moms, and then we also have to source, buy, AND wrap the sparkle.

Moms everywhere are carrying more than their fair share.

If that sounds like a pipe dream to you, you’re not alone. The research is clear : women think more about their family’s needs and are responsible for them. It’s also clear that men, on the other hand, don’t realize how much they’re not doing . No wonder women everywhere feel alone and disillusioned with their partners and their partnerships. In a recent study, 72% of mothers surveyed said they felt invisible and over 90% revealed they felt unappreciated.

Owning your own worth is the first step in creating more equity in your household—and in the world at-large.

I could teach you strategies a la Fair Play until the cows come home (and I think all those strategies are valid) in an attempt to alleviate the deep pain so many moms feel, but how is a mom supposed to start a conversation with her partner about equity when she doesn’t believe that she deserves it? And if she doesn’t believe her need for rest and true partnership are worthy of respect, how will she ever fight back when that conversation ends in gaslighting? I wrote about how much self-worth influences our ability to make changes in our lives at large, but especially when it comes to lessening our mental load, in this recent contributor article in Fortune .

Understanding your needs comes from bringing awareness to them.

Moms tell me consistently that they have no idea what they need (and, often, who they are post-kids). One easy way to identify what’s missing in your life? Pay attention to what you’re complaining about all the time or to what your body is saying. If the kids hanging off your body all day long really irks you, maybe it’s some physical space you’re craving. Or perhaps that headache is telling you to take a mental pause (or get more sleep). The tightness in your chest whenever you have guests over may be signaling that you need some solo time.

Learning compassionate assertiveness will help you communicate your needs more effectively with your partner.

Compassionate assertiveness is a communication style that marries empathetic listening skills with self-advocacy. When your partner tells you he’ll be golfing for the next six hours on a Saturday morning, you can use compassionate assertiveness to respond with, “I completely understand you’ve been working really hard this week and need some time to decompress. Let’s talk about how we can both get time to ourselves for rest and relaxation over the next few days so we start Monday feeling our best.”

This Christmas, I’m not asking Saint Nick for anything too crazy, just the kind of relationship I can feel good about all year long. And the good news is, a relationship that’s more and more equitable every day is not completely out of reach, though I’m not expecting 50:50 anytime soon (even Santa’s not that good), knowing how many centuries it’s taken for women to get where they are today. In my new book, Doing it All , I talk at-length about how you can build the foundation you need to more equity less of a Christmas miracle.

What’s on your Christmas (or Hanukkah or Kwanza) list this year?

YOU CAN'T JUST SHARE THE MENTAL LOAD WITH YOUR PARTNER. YOU REALLY DO NEED A VILLAGE — WITH KELLY HUBBELL

Thu, 30 Nov 2023 14:30:00 GMT

About Our Guest:

Kelly Hubbell is the founder and CEO of Sage Hous, an online platform to help busy Moms have it all without doing it all. My digital courses, eBook and resources encourage building a village and outsourcing the mental load of motherhood so we can be more present, reclaim our time and stop resenting our spouse.

You can find more information about Sage Haus at www.mysagehaus.com .

About the Episode:

This episode, Dr. Whitney is joined by Kelly Hubbell, founder and CEO of Sage House, an online platform designed for moms who want to really value their time and make the most of the hours in their days, focusing the most on what matters to them. They talk through the roadblocks working moms come against when trying to balance the workloads in their families and how we can help prepare our children to do the same in theirs.

Episode Takeaways:

Moms everywhere are on the verge of mental crisis as they attempt to do it all for everyone all alone. Many of the tasks we take on, though, don't have to rest on our shoulders. Not only can they be offloaded, they should be offloaded. The question is, how do we do it without emptying our savings accounts or continuing to ask our partners for help, only to feel disappointment by their lack of enthusiasm or initiation when it comes to building equity alongside us.

Society tells us we should be able to to do it all as working moms, even when it's quite literally impossible to do it. No one can be a domestic goddess, lean in career woman, amazing parent, perfect friend, and awesome lover all at the exact same time. A successful life isn't about balance, it's about giving our time, energy and focus to our highest priorities and most important values, not the opposite.

Old-school parenting villages don't exist anymore, so what's a mom to do? Redefine what a village looks like for us in the modern age, that's what. Maybe it means one person you can tell your deepest, darkest secrets to; one you can rely on for last-minute childcare help, and one you actually pay to offload some of the tasks you hate the most, freeing your time and energy to put toward more meaningful or impactful efforts.

Even though we often think that paying to delegate our chores or responsibilities is only for the rich and famous, small acts of delegation can actually save time and money, no matter what your circumstances. Intentional, mutual delegation like swapping chores with a neighbor is one way to lighten your load without any associated costs. If finding additional assistance at a small price allows you to make even more progress in your business, or saves you money on costly expenses like doctor bills or therapy sessions, though, that spend is well worth it.

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Hot Girl Summer? More Like Working Mom Guilt Summer

Why You're Overwhelmed at Home

Partner Problems: Why You're Getting on Each Other's Nerves

Snapping at Your Kids? Here's Why

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BME (Big Mom Energy): Using Your Most Precious Resource in a Way That Serves You

Moms, Stop Doing Everything: How to Expand the Ownership of Responsibilities in Your Home

How Scott and I Stay Married With 2 Kids + 2 Careers (and That Time We Almost Called It Quits)

THE FORGOTTEN BOUNDARY: SETTING LIMITS AROUND YOURSELF

Tue, 21 Nov 2023 14:45:01 GMT

This is the boundary that defines our relationship with ourselves.

Setting and protecting self-boundaries is not only crazy important for our success as moms, partners, professionals, and individuals, it’s legit the only way we can make it out in one piece.

When we constantly prioritize others before ourselves, we quickly lose our internal compass. We have no way to know what our True North is when we’re always pointing people to theirs.

When, instead, what the world really needs is moms who are standing in the gap for their kids, showing them that taking care of themselves is actually making everyone around them even better.

Want more? Tired of feeling like you have to do it all to be a good mom? Guess what? You don't! Check out my newest book release here .

HOLISTIC HEALTH CARE FOR ALL WOMEN WITH DR. ALISSA EROGBOGBO

Thu, 16 Nov 2023 11:45:00 GMT

Dr. Whitney: Hi everyone. Welcome back to the Modern Mommy Doc Podcast. I'm Dr. Whitney Casares, your host. And today I am thrilled to be joined by Dr. Alissa Erogbogbo. She is medical director consultant at Maven Clinic. And I wanted to talk about Maven Clinic and have her come on because I really think that when it came across my radar, I was like, yes, this is the solution that we've been waiting for, for moms and for kids and for families and really for comprehensive healthcare. So thank you so much for joining us, Dr. Erogbogbo.

Dr. Erogbogbo: Absolutely. I think you put it best. It's a comprehensive service that's available here at Maven and glad to be a part of it. It's something that's moving us into a direction that most people aren't used to understanding. How do I receive care through the internet or through a virtual platform? What does that really mean? And it requires a little bit more of innovative thought and just really looking at your healthcare as a whole and thinking about when you have those questions that you still wanna ask, but you're not sure who to ask.

Maven is an answer for you because it's 24/7, on demand care. And you can talk with a care coordinator and be able to really just understand, where should I go with this question? Who should I talk to? Is it a pediatrician or should I talk to the OB or should I talk to a doula or do I talk to a midwife? Who's this person that I can really just kind of glean some information from to really understand where I am in my reproductive journey.

Dr. Whitney: Yeah, absolutely. And I also saw that there's a lot of mental health support that Maven is providing. Is that right?

Dr. Erogbogbo: That is definitely true and it comes in various ways. Whether you decide that you want a series of appointments or maybe you just want one appointment to understand something of a diagnosis, or maybe you just need some support just to ask a question. I'm having anxiety right now. I'm not sure how I'm gonna make it through this. Can I ask you a few questions?

That's something that is somewhat of a problem, I guess you would say, when you think about those things, because we can always do a chatbot and say, "Hey, does this make sense? What should I do?" And the chatbot will read it back to you. But isn't it kind of nice that you can go to a platform, actually speak with someone, they give you some referrals, some direction and resources, so that you can know whether or not you need to have an in-person appointment? Or do you just put up a series of appointments with Maven?

And that in itself, I think is a huge win for healthcare as a whole, but even for women. And this is where you could be in various stages of your journey. And to really be able to tap into a resource such as this, is a huge undertaking. And it really takes that burden off of us birthing people, women, men, families as a whole, trying to find where I can go for that one-stop care. Or at least somebody to help me coordinate through this.

Dr. Whitney: Yeah. Okay. So tell people, for those who are not as familiar with Maven and haven't been researching it like a maniac like me, what are their options? What are the solutions that Maven provides specifically? And then also how do they access it? Can a person off the street access Maven? Is it through employers, corporations? Talk to me about that part.

Dr. Erogbogbo: Well, it's all of the above. It really is. It's all of the above and it's just a matter of where you sit. It's something to ask your employer, do you have Maven services? It's something that you can even ask your insurance plan. Do you guys have Maven services, where people can kind of tap into various areas? How do I tap into it? And you can definitely go on to the Maven website and look at the app, download it, and then start care that way too. And you can go from your employer, which a lot of employers are there that have it as available in their platform, even for the services for the employees.

But you have to ask the questions too. You may already even have it and just haven't utilized it. That's another big thing. A lot of folks have a lot of access to this, but just haven't utilized it yet. And this is an opportunity for you to be able to go and open it up, look at it, see what services are available, what are you looking for, what have you been looking for? And maybe they can give you that good answer that you're looking for. And maybe you start a good relationship with Maven.

Dr. Whitney: Absolutely. I want to read a few stats from the Maven website about the efficacy of this more comprehensive program. And really when I have been looking at you guys, what I've been impressed by is kind of this more holistic approach. The idea of thinking about fertility, the idea of thinking about menopause, the idea of thinking about women and families who have kids and are trying to navigate childcare for their own children who are already in existence. And so kind of spanning the gamut there.

So a few statistics from the Maven Clinic website: 33% of members better manage anxiety or depression due to Maven. 25% of fertility members achieve pregnancy without assisted reproductive technology. That's huge. And I think actually maybe the most impressive, over 90% of members return to work after they’ve taken leave.

Dr. Erorbogbo: That's a big one, right? This is where it's a huge benefit for employers, because now you've got a return of your workforce and that, in and of itself is a huge return on investment. And of course, decreasing the anxiety. We all know we have anxiety as human beings, but to be able to get some of those answers early on is huge!

Maybe just understanding, what does my journey look like for me and my birthing journey, my reproductive journey, menopause, infertility. All these things that don't necessarily go unanswered, but you are looking for something just a little bit more. Or maybe you need to ask the question three or four times and you just wanna make sure that it's gonna be the same answer every time. And that is where this comes into play.

It's about preventive care and early education. Early education in itself helps to decrease anxiety for a lot of individuals, but even more so for women, because we're thinking of multiple things at times. Because of course there's no one else that can have a baby but us, right? There's no one else that can think about the infertility except for the husband or the partner that's involved as well. But who's the person that's going to have to go through the birthing process? That still could be that birthing person, right?

And then of course when it comes to having to be that strong unit or the cornerstone of the family and deciding when do I go back to work or can I take some longer time? This is where you can really just dig into those benefits and really understand, okay, this is what I can do to support my family. This is what our plan is. Maven supports me through this plan.

That's a huge win for a lot of individuals. I didn't have it when I was having kids. And even now till today, not everybody has that. And that in itself is something that can decrease your stress. Decrease your level of misunderstanding and really being able to get to and ask questions and advocate for yourself.

It also leads into you just being a whole person and being able to do something like yoga. You are not worried about, okay, oh my gosh, where's my time? Okay, I gotta figure this out. I gotta figure that out. You longer have to do those things because it's all figured out for you, and they're working it around your schedule, not you working around their schedule.

Dr. Whitney: I think that's huge for working moms. You know, in my pediatrics clinic, I so appreciate my partners and also the therapists and the licensed psychologists that work alongside us that are constantly talking about work-life balance for us, but then also for the patients that we serve. And so we have a more traditional model there. You know, we're there from 8:30-5. On the weekends, we're there from 9 to 12. We are there every single day of the year, but it's not the same as having 24/7, 365 day a year access for a working mom.

Dr. Erogbogbo: It's very important. And, sometimes we don't necessarily, even as individuals or human beings, recognize that. But then, of course, we take it even a little step further for those who are going through various reproductive journeys or however that is for your family and your partners that are involved in this. Sometimes we take a little bit, I guess you'll say take advantage of, "Oh, you'll figure it out" or "It'll be okay." And sometimes, maybe, you don't need to figure it out. Maybe sometimes you just need to be able to say, let me have someone else help me navigate through this. And then you realize, oh my gosh, I feel so much better now. I can go to sleep at a decent hour. I can do all these other things that come into play to care for my family.

Dr. Whitney: Yeah. Maven I know has a huge emphasis on LGBTAI+ communities and wanting to make sure that you're really supporting them. Tell me about specific initiatives they have or how they do that. How do they make sure they're really supporting minority communities and different communities?

Dr. Erogbogbo: It comes down to the care coordinators. You know, our care coordinators are the ones that are doing the boots on the ground, that first interaction. And you need to be able to identify with that individual because they're gonna help you navigate through that process. Just really understanding who you need to talk to to help you navigate through that process and being able to identify those that you wanna talk to. And so those are some things that are a little different and being able to ask for that.

You can see that on the website. They ask you those questions and I think that's where it's a little different than most places. And just being open and honest and letting someone really be able to ask those questions freely and not feel judgment about it. Because sometimes it's certain things that an individual is looking for and you need to know they can identify with that person. Plus the fact that we have the different languages available on the platform, those are certain cultural things like being able to speak your own mother tongue and being able to express yourself.

Dr. Whitney: Yeah, for sure. Tell me about the interaction between Maven and health insurance. When people sign up when they're with an employer, I'm assuming that it's the employer that's offering it as a benefit. It's separate from someone's maybe individual health insurance, is that correct? Is that the way that it works?

Dr. Erogbogbo: That would be a different question for another person to answer. That really goes into having to talk to other individuals within Maven and get more understanding on what's happening and how that all works and that intricacy. Because things are generally always evolving, it's best to have the ones that know it best to be able to answer those questions.

Dr. Whitney: Okay. No problem. What I did see when I've been researching about Maven is a lot about the way that the platform works, not being in competition with insurance companies. You know, that's not the goal. The goal is to be complimentary. So if it wasn't something that was covered by an employer, then it would be something that would be complimentary. The other thing that I saw that was so neat, and I'll just mention and if you can speak to it, you can, and if not, we can move on, is about the financial dashboard.

I also saw that there's even some resources within the Maven platform that are about health account reimbursement and being able to think about making sure that you're making your money work for you and allowing what your employer actually sets aside for you to be useful to you, in the ways that are helpful to you. Which I think is really a new thing that hopefully working moms are the ones who are kind of pushing this idea of like, it doesn't help me to use my FSA on toothpaste.

Dr. Erogbogbo: I hear you. And that does come from a different department too. Just to really give you the details of things, but you are correct and really looking at that overall picture. And this is where that holistic approach comes into play too. We always say, is it holistic thinking about just the care that I'm receiving? No, it's the whole thing. How do I really navigate through this whole landscape of my healthcare? And that's where I think Maven has done a really good job of trying to answer that for a lot of individuals, depending on where you come from in your health insurance or employee, all of that. But that does come from a different department as well that would give you more details. It wouldn't be me, but trying to make sure you're looking at everything.

Dr. Whitney: Talk to me about your medical director consultant role and then previously medical director role. Tell me about the ways that you really instilled quality care, that emphasis on quality care with the providers that were taking care of patients. Obviously working with the care coordinators, but what were the other things that you were really focused on in terms of the interactions with patients? Because I know that in my private practice clinic, that can be tricky.

I've been the site lead at my clinic and been the one who's been telling other providers, "Hey, that interaction didn't go so well." I've been the person on medical home champion, telling people that these are the things we need to do to make sure, from a systems level, that things are better. So talk to me about Maven in that role and now your consultant role, what are the things you're really focused on that patients need to be the most successful possible?

Dr. Erogbogbo: I think it's just a matter of just understanding efficiency. And making sure, if there's adjustments with time, with schedules, how do we really just make sure we're always meeting that demand? Always engaging, always available, answering questions when needed, whether it's synchronously or asynchronously. But that in itself is something that you can see.

They pride themselves on that and it really is that partnership with the provider and the care coordinator. I think that's the ultimate thing of really making sure there's streamlined communication and them working together to make sure that this particular individual gets the care they need when they need it. And that really does fall on the shoulders of working with the care coordinators.

Dr. Whitney: Dr. Erogbogbo, tell me what you're doing when you are not at Maven. You're a consultant, but then you're also practicing in the actual real world, in person.

Dr. Erogbogbo: I am. So, I work at a hospital here in California, as well. So for me, I guess you'd say I have my foot in both buckets: brick and mortar and then in the telehealth world. But in the brick and mortar world, it still allows everyone, myself included, to really understand what patients really do need on the hospital side and what kind of questions they are asking on the hospital side.

And really just understanding the things that are occurring for someone when they do come to the hospital. How they get their care, how they receive it, how things may change. Because in the OB land, things are very dynamic and it changes all the time. And this is where it kind of just gives you perspective, I would say, on here's what's happening here virtually, but here's also what's happening in person for an individual. And this is what their journey will look like on the other end of it. And then where do you continuously make improvements on both ends to make sure that the care is needed and the care is met for that particular individual.

So I still love it. I haven't given it up yet. We'll see how long this lasts, but you know, it's still a really big thing to just make sure I can continue to give care to patients.

Dr. Whitney: Yeah, I can appreciate that. That has been similar for me, as well. Having kind of my ear to the ground, seeing patients who are really struggling with those early feeding issues, seeing people come in with their baby carrier. What's the thing that they're wearing today? Tell me about that. Understanding what they're buying on the internet for sleep, seeing things in real life sometimes can really be helpful when you're working with someone virtually.

And also I think the other way around. When you're seeing someone virtually, it can help to understand, like you said, what's the path someone's gonna take before they come to you? What's the path they're gonna be taking when they leave your office or when they leave your virtual spot and they go back into the real world in the hospital or have another child or go back there.

I always think it's interesting with my online platform, how that informs my clinical world and allows me to see the broader expanse of what's going on and then vice versa. And what I found the most interesting is, I was really privileged that The American Academy of Pediatrics named me as a spokesperson, and so I get to see some of their policies that come through and I get to be part of that. But sometimes policies are different, as you know in your world, than what happens in the real world, in a clinic setting. And so being able to translate that is so important.

Dr. Erogbogbo: Because we see both sides of the coin and it also brings in that innovation side to that brick and mortar world too, in really looking at the full scope of what patients are dealing with. And this is where we see a lot of hospitals that have opened up telehealth a lot within their own facilities.

A lot of hospitals have now done a lot of asynchronous learning for before you come into the hospital. Use our QR code, go on here, we've got a few videos for you. Right? There's more innovation that's coming. And then of course you look at the AI component of things to be able to kind of see, okay, how does it streamline into our own hospital setting? But, at the same time, how do we best support?

And it's making these algorithms to say, alright, you've come on to our website here at the hospital, you wanna find out more about pregnancy? Oh, here is this link here, try this one. But guess what, we also have this link for other questions. Then here's some resources for you to also look at. Here's an also on demand telehealth platform. Like different ones, like baby scripts or things of that nature that are out there.

Because there's plenty of them, but, of course, Maven focuses on that beforehand. But then it's nice to know that this is some place you come even after you deliver. Here's a place you can also follow up with care. Here's a place that you can follow up with your recovery. Here's something that you can really understand for career coaching now that you delivered. What do I do? How does this work? How do I go back to work? And, now who's the best support person for me?

And these are some of those things I think, for hospitals, they're starting to understand. They're gonna have to start seeding through and bringing some things together. They may even have to start having some more partnerships too. And really understanding, what are the needs of my community and my families here? How do I keep them coming back to my hospital?

So I think it's growing. It's still new because people are like, there's no way you could do telehealth. And it's like, well, you know, pediatricians have been doing telehealth for a long time. They've been doing telehealth forever. Now we should do it for all specialties. Because it's how different modalities look at that care delivery and what you're doing and how you can best support this individual. And a lot of times it's all education. You know, it's really just a lot of education and putting some comfort in, some decrease in anxiety for individuals.

Dr. Whitney: Yeah, for sure. My books with the AAP have both been around moms. And when I talk to physicians at conferences about the books, I'm always talking about this idea: for kids, we talk all about ACEs. We talk all about these Adverse Childhood Events. We talk about resilience, we talk all about ways we can strengthen that and their coping skills and all these things.

But if we're not thinking about the entire family unit, about primary caregivers, about moms, about dads, about grandparents. We have to support those people too. Because if we don't, then it doesn't matter. We can talk till we're blue in the face about supporting kids. It's not gonna make a huge difference if we're all stressed out.

Dr. Erogbogbo: And that's it. That's definitely it. Right? Because we gotta really think about that support system and it really shouldn't matter about your income. About building a support system. We always say with building, I build my family of community around me or my tribe of individuals that I lean on.

Well, a lot of times there should be a way for anyone to build upon a tribe of individuals, with all of these telehealth platforms that we have. With all the things that we have, as far as access. And this is where building and meeting those needs, meeting people where they're at makes a huge difference. This is where we get into, how do we support? How do we answer those questions for you?

Because we do need it. It's ongoing. It's never gonna stop. Right. You're always gonna need support. You're always gonna need something for something that's happening with a kid or your husband or grandmother or aunt, uncle. It brings in that whole family dynamics.

And this is where I think telehealth is trying to do it. Hospitals are trying to do it. We're all trying to answer this call that's happening because we know our numbers are abysmal compared to other countries and it has not improved. So what are we doing? How are we gonna make this difference?

And maybe it's years to come to see what we're doing, how we provide that access, how the equity continues to grow and build. And then for folks just to understand when you're building and supporting, it's not at the cost of something, it's to make it better. And if you make it better for one, you make it better for all.

Dr. Whitney: I love that. I think that's a great place to stop. Dr. Erogbogbo, thank you so much for being here. I hope that listeners, as you're hearing us talk, that you're seeing something. Sometimes I feel like there's a little adversarial thing, like us versus them about the medical system and patients, you know? I hope you're seeing how much heart I think both of us have about really wanting to make it successful for parents and how the intricacies of it will take time. But I think we're actually starting to make some headway with virtual platforms like w . So thank you so much for being here.

Dr. Erogbogbo: Oh, well, thank you Whitney for having me. This is great.

SELF-CARE IS STUPID

Thu, 09 Nov 2023 14:45:01 GMT

Okay, do you remember in the movie Bridesmaids , those amazingly awkward sex scenes between Kristen Wiig and Jon Hamm? There were SO many hilariously cringy parts that make me laugh every single time. I mean, it has to be said that his character is crazy selfish. But that’s part of what made it so good.

They just couldn’t get on the same wavelength in the bedroom. She’s trying everything (and I mean EEEEVERYTHING) to make sure they both have a good time and nothing was working–plus he just kept going back to what he wanted. She tries over and over to do all the things that are “supposed” to work according to every Cosmo article, but it just wasn’t getting the job done, if you know what I mean.

My FAVORITE part is later on in the movie after she goes back to him when she’s feeling all mopey, and he’s a jerk AGAIN. So she tells him she’s probably just gonna invite this other guy (George Glass ��) to her friend’s wedding instead of him. And his reply is, “Okay, but can this George do this to you?” and he starts to confidently and awkwardly grope her boob, sure it was gonna send her into convulsions of pleasure.

And she goes, “Uh yeah. Probably.” I die. It’s the beeest.

Okay, Whitney, what does that have to do with anything? As much as I’d love to talk about the comedic gold that is throughout that movie, I do actually have a point.

Awkward boob grabs trying to get you to the big O are just as effective as random bubble baths and manicures for self care. THEY JUST DON’T WORK.

Now before you come at me telling me how much you love baths and manis, let me clarify by saying that they don’t work if that’s not actually what helps you. If you’re a stressed out mama who is running back and forth between practice pick up and drop offs, throwing dinner on the table at 8:30 after you ran to the grocery store for the 4th time that week, and trying to rehearse your presentation for work while trying to fold socks–adding another “to do” on your list isn’t going to get you anything besides more stressed, no matter how “relaxing” the task is.

Self care is only self care if it actually helps you take care of yourself.

If it winds up making you feel more frazzled when it’s over, not self care. If you dread preparing for it, not self care. If it doesn’t make you a better _______ (fill in the blank: human, mother, partner, employee, employer, sister, friend, etc…) it’s not self care.

Can a bubble bath make you a better mom? ABSOFREAKINGLUTELY.

If time to yourself without any other agenda is what you need, then of COURSE you’re going to come out better. But if what you really needed was to just say no to volunteering at school (and yep, saying no is totally a form of self care) then you’ll only feel more stressed because of the time you spent.

How do you know where to start? Just try things and see how you feel? That’s one way, but it could be a long process to find the right fit (just ask Kristen Wiig).

Instead, you have to focus on what makes you tick. Really get into what makes you feel aligned and gives you purpose. Here at Modern Mommy Doc, we call that your Centered Vision.

You can’t prioritize and focus on what you really need and what will move the needle if you don’t even know what’s important to you. But once you have those areas mapped out, it’s a game changer. You can then see exactly what would hit the right button for you when it comes to self care.

For example, one of my points in my centered vision has to do with financial independence and health. So as strange as it sounds, one huge way I practice self care is by staying on top of our budget. We’ve got software that makes it much less of a chore than entering it in manually, but I’m able to get a really quick picture of where we stand each week.

Armed with that info, I’m a million times less stressed when my daughter comes and tells me there’s a birthday party this weekend and she needs to buy her friend a present and a new outfit for the party–oh and new ice skates too. Because I practiced my self care of just keeping an eye on the budget, I know exactly what’s left in our kids entertainment line item, so I’m not tempted to just swipe the credit card and figure it out later.

Self care can look like bubble baths and manicures. But it can also look like taking a night class on a foreign language to get ready for your trip next year. It can look like a buying a new pair of shoes because they’re pretty or it can look like not hanging out with the other soccer moms during practice, so you can listen to a podcast in your car.

Whatever it looks like for you, REAL self care gives you power. And that’s something you can only find by experiencing it yourself.

Want more? Tired of feeling like you have to do it all to be a good mom? Guess what? You don't! Check out my newest book release here .

IF YOU'RE HAVING A HARD TIME BEING NICE TO YOURSELF, READ THIS

Thu, 26 Oct 2023 13:30:00 GMT

The other day, I read something that spoke more clearly to my life than any other piece of writing ever has.

I mean, it was a meme, but it makes me feel better to say “I read something.” It had words on it–that still counts!

It said:

"I feel anxious today. So I think to make myself feel better, I’m gonna eat this whole cake. Which makes me feel anxious about my stress eating. Which makes me eat more cake. I am now more cake than I am human."

Usually I love to start these blogs off with something light hearted and funny before we dive in, but the topic of emotional eating and drinking is something that hits home for me. And I think it does for a lot of other moms too.

Let me get something clear first. There’s SO MUCH talk out there about diet and exercise. Like a ridiculous amount. And I am in no way an expert, nor will I tell you what I think you should and shouldn’t eat or how to move your body. That’s not what this is about.

What I’m talking about today is not eating cake at a birthday party to celebrate your daughter. Or even having another piece of cake the next morning for breakfast, laughing with your husband over the sink before you kids get up.

I’m not talking about having drinks with your girlfriends simply because it’s Tuesday. Or even about getting smashed at a bachelorette party and having an amazing weekend.

I stand in no judgment of any of that at all. Or any of your decisions that you make for your life, actually. You’re an adult and one of the best (and worst) things about that is that we get to make whatever choice we want.

What I want to chat about today is eating and drinking in order to subconsciously fix something. To make ourselves feel a certain way. To try and numb the noise in our brain with another glass of wine or Oreos in your closet after your kids go to bed.

Like I said, I’m not an expert here. So I don’t even really want to give you “3 Steps to stop emotional eating and drinking.” I think that’s a topic for another day.

What I really just want to bring to light is why we do it in the first place–and I actually think that once we get a hold of that piece, it can really help get us down the “3 steps…” road.

Here’s what I believe it boils down to: control.

When there are so many things we see spiraling around us. When there are choices being outside of our hands. When our house feels like a bomb went off all the time and never feels like we can relax. When we are stretched so thin because we’ve said “yes” to all the things that actually drain us.

When we’re putting everyone and everything in front of our own needs.

We feel like we have no control over our lives. No ownership. No say in where our time and energy goes.

But what’s the one thing we feel like we can control? What goes in our bodies. We’re the ones actually lifting that fork or dumping that bag of chips in our faces.

In a world where we feel like all of our choices have been made for us, food feels like curling up on your couch with a blanket and a classic rom/com. It feels comforting.

And it feels like we’re telling something that we’re the boss.

Here are the times that I feel pulled the most towards emotional eating and drinking:

When I’ve worked an insane day at the clinic stretching over 12 hours
After I’ve lost it with my kids
When I feel undervalued at work and my voice isn’t heard
When our finances are out of control and we haven’t really checked in with the budget in awhile
When my house is too cluttered and I can’t relax in my own home

And I know I said I wasn’t gonna give you steps to stop heading in this direction, but I want to share the questions I have learned to ask myself in those moments.

What am I feeling right now? What am I hoping to feel? Will this ________ (drink, candy, etc…) help me feel like that?

And then I can check in from there. Maybe I’m feeling happy that something happened and I want to celebrate! And that glass of champagne is a beautiful way to connect with my husband.

But maybe I’m feeling overwhelmed with my house and I’d really like to feel supported by my spouse. And eating takeout after my kids are in bed isn’t gonna get me anywhere near feeling like I’m on a team with my partner.

That’s one of the reasons I wrote my latest book, Doing It All . Because that’s what we’re taught, right? You can have it all and smile while doing it.

But if we don’t even know what we waaaaant to have, then there’s no way to know when we’ve got it! But if we can break it down to asking ourselves what’s really important, what we’re really after, then we’ll be one step closer to living a life aligned with who we really are.

Want more? Tired of feeling like you have to do it all to be a good mom? Guess what? You don't! Check out my newest book release here .

BME (BIG MOM ENERGY): USING YOUR MOST PRECIOUS RESOURCE IN A WAY THAT SERVES YOU

Wed, 25 Oct 2023 19:31:28 GMT

Hey guys, it's Dr. Whitney, and today's episode is about your energy. It's about you conserving your energy for the purpose of being able to pour it into the areas of your life and the priorities that you have and the values that you hold dear.

And I wanna talk about that in relationship to other people and this idea that, as moms, we spend a lot of our time soothing other people. And I know this is totally true for me. Of course, the biggest thing that's gonna come to mind, the most obvious way that we soothe people is that we soothe our kids.

As moms, we're caregivers. We are helping a kid who scrapes their knee. We are tending to our child's sobs when a friend doesn't wanna play with them and they feel left out. We are making sure that people feel like things are fair when one kid won the game of Uno and the other kid feels upset about it. So we're constantly caregiving and soothing.

But I also wanna think beyond that, because I think for a lot of women, I don't think I'm alone on this, that we actually operate with soothing as our main mechanism of action in a lot of areas of our lives. And especially for those of us that have anxiety, we spend a lot of energy trying to soothe others, so that everything is okay.

Let's say you get into a fight with your partner and let's say that while you're growing up, your primary points of attachment (your parents, right?) would kind of easily get upset and you wanted to keep the peace. And so you kind of soothe them, or you'd make sure that you were acting like the perfect little lady, or you make sure that you are doing everything right or you're getting good grades, because you don't want to mess up the peace. You wanna keep the peace.

Now, as an adult in your relationships, that might be the way that you operate too. So I find myself when I'm having an argument with my husband, even if it's something that I know that he did "wrong," or something that's his fault, my instinct is to apologize after I've shown up for myself.

So let's say for example, he's supposed to pick up the kids on Fridays and he neglects to tell me that he made an appointment for himself to go get his haircut on Friday, which is totally fine. Totally good that he's taking care of himself, but he forgot to tell me. And so it fell into my lap to do, and at the last minute, even though I had a meeting, I had to cancel it so that way I could go pick up the kids, right? That classic mom jumping in and mom being the she fault parent.

Okay? So I get miffed. I talked to my husband about it. I try to do that in as clear a way as possible and as fair a way as possible, using compassionate assertiveness. If you don't know what that is, you can go back to some of our previous podcast episodes.

But let's say that he still gets upset about it. He gets defensive. Maybe he brings up some other counterpoint about how I don't communicate in a way that's useful to our family, or maybe I put him out sometimes in terms of ways that he has to cover for me. So even though in that situation, it was totally fair of me to bring up this minor transgression that happened in our relationship, I find myself then, because it feels uneasy now and we don't have peace between us, wanting to apologize, wanting to soothe his hurt feelings because I brought something up to him and he didn't like it.

That happens across tons of our relationships. That happens with our kids, sometimes, when we give them a consequence for not listening to us. The other night, my daughter talked back to me in a way that was so rude and she lost her screen time and then she totally lost it emotionally.

And then I felt myself wanting to soothe that upset that she had, that sadness that she had when she said, "I feel sad. I feel really disappointed that I lost my screen time." I, deep in my soul, wanted to make it right, even though I know as a parent I did the absolute right thing by setting a boundary and holding firm with it.

So what do you do if that is your MO? If you are someone who's constantly soothing other people and using your energy to do that?

And the first step to changing it is just noticing. It's noticing what your MO is. It's noticing the way that you tend to want to soothe and to put in energy to that. And then it's also noticing how you feel after you spend all that energy soothing.

Do you feel tired? Do you feel resentful? Do you not have energy now to do all the things that you wanna do when you're with your kids? Do you feel distracted?

For me, when I put a lot of energy into soothing other people in ways that are unhealthy for me, that don't have firm boundaries around them, I end up actually hurting myself. I drain myself so much of energy that now I'm not as effective as I want to be in my relationships with my kids, with my partner, with my colleagues. I'm not as effective as a professional. I can't think as clearly when I need to make decisions. I don't speak as clearly when I'm supposed to be communicating with other people. And so it takes away.

So the first step is, again, becoming aware of when you do this. The second step is recognizing how that makes you feel.

The third step is starting to make decisions in the moment when you come up with opportunities to soothe other people and decide if it's worth your energy. Now, I know that feels kind of a weird way to say it. Like, well, it's not worth my energy to take care of you, right? That feels harsh. That feels cold.

That feels against a way that we're naturally taught to operate as women. I totally get that. That's the way that we were conditioned as little girls is to do that. But when we do that, we're able to actually analyze, is this the way that I wanna operate? Will this be good for me and will it be good for the other people around me?

Because I guarantee you, when you soothe other people's needs, when other people are acting like a baby, throwing a tantrum, whether it's your partner or your kid or anybody else, you ultimately actually don't serve them. It makes it so your relationship is less healthy and you don't have that deep connection and that authenticity, that you breed resentment inside yourself, that you end up the one who actually suffers as a result of it.

Now, a couple things. As you're starting to do this in your relationships, you are probably gonna notice that, for some people that you're in relationship with, it's going to rub them the wrong way. Let's say that in your relationships, you're actually used to operating in a way where you have a lot of high conflict, a lot of high emotion.

So let's say my husband didn't pick up the kids, he couldn't do it. I have to take it over. Maybe I would normally write a nasty email back or a nasty text back. Or when we are talking about it, I would raise my voice or I would get really emotional or maybe I would use name calling or I would just get really upset.

Let's say instead, if I change the way I operate to have less energy going out and instead of getting upset, instead of ramping up, let's say that I am quiet. Let's say I'm calm, but I'm firm and I'd say, "You know, that's not gonna work for me next time. Just so you know, the next time you ask me to do that, I need at least 15 to 20 minutes of a heads up."

Let's say that makes your partner kind of infuriated. You are not engaging in that same old cycle that you normally did.

Maybe with your kids. It infuriates them that you're just holding a line. You are not tending to the tantrum that they're having over and over and over again. Maybe your colleague, who's really needy and loves to have high drama, it rubs them the wrong way when you change your mode of operation.

Because change is hard for people.

So people who have not learned to be healthy about their boundaries, people who have not learned to be healthy about the way that they give their energy to other people, they will have a hard time with you evolving and being a better version of yourself. If you are being a better version of yourself, it's going to be more difficult for those people to accept it at first.

You are going to feel them potentially pulling you back into drama. You're gonna feel them sucking you back into you extending a ton of energy.

And I wanna ask you: at what cost? At what cost? Our energy is the most precious commodity that we have. That ability to be creative, that ability to be excited, that ability to be present. And in the moment when I have the most energy, it allows me to be in deepest connection with myself and with other people. You've lost everything when you give that away.

So my challenge for you this week is to think about: where are places where you are literally giving away your energy for free? Where are places where giving away your energy is harming you and the other people around you?

And what could you gain by keeping more of your energy for yourself? Not in a selfish way, but in a way that actually protects your peace so you are able to be more powerful and to show up as the fullest best version of yourself to yourself and to every other person around you.

GETTING UNFLUSTERED WITH AMBER TRUEBLOOD

Fri, 20 Oct 2023 20:30:00 GMT

Dr. Whitney: Hey everybody. Welcome back to the Modern Mommy Doc Podcast. I am excited today. I have Miss Amber Trueblood with us. We're gonna be talking about getting unflustered as a mom. We're gonna talk about what are all the practical things that you can do and how to have perspective. Amber, thanks so much for being on the show.

Amber: Thank you for having me. I'm so excited to chat with your audience today and hopefully share some real life realistic strategies that they can actually impart in their lives tonight.

Dr. Whitney: Yes, 100%. This is such a huge topic. Yesterday in my office, I was talking with a fellow pediatrician and she was saying, I really feel like parents these days need to get into parenting classes. They have no idea how to parent their kids. They feel like they've just given up. This is a kind of old school doc who's in my practice. And I said, you know, if I am being honest, I think there's two things going on. I think one, parents have so much conflicting information and are pulled on their heart about how they were parented. And then all the new information that's coming out in the new science about emotional regulation and all that, right? So they find themselves caught in this weird middle where they don't know what to do. But I said, we can educate them on that. That's for sure. I was like, but the bigger thing I think is just these moms are coming in and dads are coming in, a lot of times two people working in the home, multiple siblings, out of a pandemic. So many expectations, a lot going on, and they feel flustered. And it's really hard to focus on good parenting when you feel flustered.

Amber: So true. It's so true. And with people who are newer to the parenting world (if they're adopting older kids, that's one thing that has a different set of factors), if you have a newborn in your house, or even a six month old or six month old and a three-year-old, you're dealing with questions like are your basic physiological needs even being met? Because it's hard to have any clarity or decision making skills when you are exhausted. When you're physically exhausted, it's so difficult to keep your patience or think clearly at all.

And so we can share hard and fast some tools around that, because to me, those are completely correlated to and intermingled with your emotional wellbeing and your ability to reduce stress and overwhelm in the moment. It's not separate. It's not like "I'll worry about sleep later." We all know that it's related. But we can often forget when we're out and about and we're feeling impatient and then we're beating ourselves up for snapping at people or snapping at our kids or getting all the way to the park and then realizing we forgot the various snack bags that we just spent an hour cutting up all the flipping pieces of. And kids don't wanna leave the park and go back and get it, but you have all this healthy food. And then we spiral and it's not necessarily shame at that level, but this frustration, this self-judgment and then that amplifies everything else, right?

So we have some strategies I would love to share with you and talk to you about today that I think can help. But I also think too, Whitney, that we gotta start with something that you mentioned earlier. When we're getting all this advice from all these different sources and people who care about us, people who know us, they're not trying to make us crazy, right? For the most part, hopefully, right? And our physicians and our therapists and our neighbors and our cousins and our mother-in-laws, hopefully everybody really is coming at it with the best intentions possible. I like to believe that about people.

But what happens then, especially if it's an age and stage that's new to us, we tend to default to other people's opinions, especially if we respect them. However, in that process, we often forget to lean into what feels right to us and have that balance and that self trust. Because if you make a decision based on, this feels really strong at my core, you're more able to stick to it. Kids can read a mile away if you don't really believe what the heck you're saying or the rules you're making. Or if you're unsure, they can read it and they're gonna respond differently. If you are a vegan household, for instance, and you are clear as all get out of what your beliefs are about food, the kids hear that, they see it, they know this is not a negotiating factor.

And so I think often when we get advice from other people and we're like, okay, all right, I'll try that. You are not fully on board and your kids aren't, and you're gonna get a different response than if you take the advice and you sit with it for a moment. I know y'all don't have a lot of time, but you just check in, how does this feel? Does this resonate with what I really care about? What's important to me? This part does, but this part not so much. Okay. And then move forward from there.

I think in any area, whether that's like a parenting thing, whether that's health and wellness of physical things, whether that's a bedtime, whether that's whether you're gonna give your kids dessert after lunchtime, whatever it is that you're trying to figure out. You have guidelines and oh shoot, now it's summer. Does bedtime change? All of these things. I would just encourage you first and foremost, listen to the advice and before you make a decision, check in with yourself. The more you can get aligned with your decisions, both within yourself and with your partner, any other people that are parenting your children along with you. So it could be your partner, but it also could be a babysitter. It could be a neighbor that watches them four days a week while you're working. You know, it could be a grandparent. The more you can get on the same page, the better. And we can talk about specific strategies that can help instead of like, Hey, this is the new rule. Period. That doesn't always work.

Dr. Whitney: I have so much to say about that in agreement. And also a question for you. It's something that I've grappled with a long time, I think a lot of our listeners do. But first, we have to back up for a second so that when people hear this, then they're gonna take your advice with so much gravitas.

Amber: By the way, my name's Amber. Hi. So my name's Amber Truett. I just jump in, right? I get excited. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist. I'm mom to four boys who are right now ages 10, 12, 14, and 15 years old. We have experienced a lot of different schooling. So we did a lot of homeschooling. We did out-schooling, we did traveling. They're back in traditional school now. We live in San Diego. And I love to write and I love to read books.

So I just published my second book called the Unflustered Mom, and it's about, by and large, anxiety. Not necessarily diagnosable levels of anxiety. It's about the daily stress, anxiety, and overwhelm we feel as humans in a day, in a week, in a month. And the practical strategies that we can use, depending on our specific anxiety style, to work for you in reducing those feelings of overwhelm. Not that they're not ever gonna happen. You're never gonna be completely forever unflustered. But when the fluster moments come up, do you have the tools in your emotional toolbox to deal with it effectively, easily, quickly, and in a way that doesn't necessarily require a whole lot of space and time? Which you may not have.

Dr. Whitney: Yeah. Okay. Awesome. I love it. Thank you. Because then people A) will go out and get the book. I highly recommend it. I was able to go get in and read it before I talked to you, and I really loved it. And B), they'll just understand where you're coming from and kind of the scientific background and the credentials that you have behind your name, versus being potentially another person that's just on the internet with really goodwill, wanting the best for moms, but maybe not understanding the actual way the dynamics work or psychotherapy. So here's my thing about what you said about being able to trust yourself. I think this is one of the fundamental – actually, I'm not gonna say "I think," – I KNOW this is one of the fundamental issues for moms today. Many of us, not that I speak for every single listener, many of us, including myself, we're conditioned as women, as young girls to be pleasing, be yes people, to not make too many people upset.

We're conditioned by society because we're women. You know, try to accept lower pay and to be in a more subservient role. We are conditioned to not be able to trust that we have the same level of worth as other people. That we should have our needs and our feelings met with the same level of priority as other people. And that we don't deserve the same level of space as other people, to be this hot mama kind of meme or mantra that goes around for people, which I make fun of all the time on my social media. So you'll see me being like, "me: yelling at my kids, because I'm literally hanging on by a thread." You know what I mean? So I know that that makes it so hard for people, for women, moms, to know themselves and trust themselves and perpetuates this lack of healthy boundaries that then makes it so that people totally can smell fear on us and not trust what we're saying, because we don't trust ourselves.

So some of the most important work that I deal with moms and that I have done on myself is learning to listen to myself, giving myself the space to be able to listen to what I want and what I need. Which for me comes, I'm gonna give you like a hot tip here, mom, comes from moving my body in nature. Going on a walk in nature. And you don't have to be in silence. You can listen to Beyonce, you can listen to Bieber. You can listen to Dua Lipa. You could pick your brand of relaxation. And then it's getting quiet in my own brain and having a moment to process it, but then it's practicing it in safe spaces, setting those boundaries and then extending it out to other people where it's more difficult.

So I want your take on that, but I firmly believe that this is a huge part of it, this lack of boundaries that moms have not based off their own desire to be that way or because there's something weak about them. But because of how they've been conditioned. And then what happens when you become a mom and your priorities already kind of go to the bottom of the list. Because there's so many physical needs for your kid and your family.

Amber: Right? Yes. So many things. Oh my gosh. Okay, here we go. Dang, there is hope. Yeah. Y'all, there are ways through this. I agree with you wholeheartedly. And I think the people around us do change and can change, but not necessarily when and how we want them to ever, right? So, the old adage that several people I think have been quoted with different versions of this, but essentially, we treat other people how to treat us by how we treat ourselves. Not by telling them how we think they should treat us. It really is modeling to other people how we treat ourselves. And that's so much easier said than done for many of us. I think there's some very real things that we can do to help move in that direction in life.

And when I'm ever talking to clients or on podcasts, I talk about having two different sets of tools at your disposal. One is preventative tools. So these are things like you mentioned. You know deeply for yourself that moving in nature fills you up. That it fills you up, it makes you more emotionally resilient. It helps you physically, it probably helps you sleep, it probably helps your digestive tract. It probably helps all kinds of different things. Your decision making ability, your memory, your ability to concentrate, your ability to remember things, your problem solving ability. It goes on and on, right? And so you already know that. So you can put that in your basket of preventative things. Hey, three days a week or every single morning or whatever it is, two days a week, whatever's realistic. Or, we're on vacation this week, so I'm gonna make sure to do it before we leave for the airport. I'm gonna pack the night before and I'm gonna still take my walk, whatever it is. So those are in your preventative toolbox.

And then I also really want parents to have the in the moment tools. And the way I break them up, just so y'all know, is literally one minute tools. So these are things like neuro hacks, which I am obsessed with because sometimes when you're feeling overwhelmed or angry or hurt or anxious, it's really hard to talk yourself out of it or gratitude yourself out. I mean, it's possible. Love gratitude practices. I love breathing practices. I love meditation practices. I love visualization practices. I talk about them all the time. I teach them all the time. However, they do take a certain amount of time and they need some quiet space. So it's not always possible to do that in the car with two kids in the backseat when you're late for something. Or you're at a stoplight. So I break it up into one minute strategies, 10 minute strategies and 30 minute strategies. And then I don't even go further than that, because if you had time for a longer time than that, go on a retreat.

Dr. Whitney: Okay. Give us the one minute strategies, because I think this is what people are gonna find the most difficulty with in the moment. So tell us some of those.

Amber: Okay. So, and what I would ask for you is, can you hop in with explaining what is happening in our brains neurologically when I do each one of these? Because you'll probably be able to explain it better than I could.

Dr. Whitney: You are speaking my love language. Yes. Go.

Amber: Beautiful. We can tag team it. Okay. So the first one I'm gonna give is chewing gum. I'm gonna explain it in more practical terms and you can explain it neurologically. So when you chew, our bodies think that we are eating, because cavemen didn't have gum. (I don't think they did. Maybe they chewed on bark or something. They could have done that, too, or leaves.) But your body thinks that you're eating. And so your body and your brain thinks that you are safe. You are not about to be chased by a saber toothed tiger. You don't need your body to work as if it's about to go into fight or flight mode. Right? So your heart rate, I'll let you explain that kind of stuff, but you're basically tricking your brain into believing that you are, in fact, safe. So the blood can go back to your brain from your extremities, your heart rate can go down, maybe your respiratory rate can go down, you can breathe more deeply. I'll let you explain more. But that is a great way of kind of going around your logical mind instead of telling yourself, I need to calm down. I have five minutes before this meeting and I'm so upset right now I can't function. It's a way to trick your brain into calming the F down. Do you wanna explain?

Dr. Whitney: Yes, yes. Wait, and let me make this connection too before I explain that. Think about when you chew food, when we go for food, part of that is a calming strategy that we're doing at a very basic evolutionary practice to try to calm ourselves down, because eating is calming. So way better to be chewing food, to be chewing gum, than to grab the cake and stuff it in your mouth at a time when you're stressed out. Right? So basically this is how I explain to people, your brain is super smart, but it's also super dumb. So it thinks that we literally are still in the dark ages, on its basic level, especially when it gets triggered by stress.

We have not changed at all. So even though we would like to think that we are hyper aware and we can think through everything, no. When you get in a stress state, your body basically goes to the basics. And that basic is, I need to get away from this, I need to run, I need to hide, I need to go as fast as possible. Think about, like you said, a tiger chasing us in the woods or in the jungle. So that means our heart rate has to go up, our blood pressure's gonna go up, our eyes are getting focused on the prize and we're not gonna think clearly. All we're gonna think about is getting from point A to point B. We cannot problem solve at that moment. We are just in high stress, one direction mode.

On the other hand, when we're in a relaxed state, our body's think that we're safe, that we're floating in a river from the dark ages and that it's time to eat and that we're all safe and sound. So our digestion kicks in and that's good. That's when our heart rate blows down, our blood pressure goes down, we feel more relaxed. So you can, like you said, trick your brain when you have what I like to call a "paper tiger." So you see a bill from your credit card and you're like, oh no! That's a paper tiger, right? It's not a real tiger chasing you in the jungle. But in modern days, that's a real tiger.

Amber: Can I say one thing about paper tigers? Funny thing is, even if the paper tiger turns out to be a paper kitten, but for a second you think it is--you think it's the bill, you think it's maybe that angry email from your boss or your neighbor or your ex landlord--and it's not, it doesn't matter. Your body still goes into that mode, it doesn't even matter if it's not really the thing that is scary.

Dr. Whitney: Yes. So you can trick your brain by doing activities that mimic what happens when you are in the relaxation state, when you're in your parasympathetic nervous system. So yeah. Okay. So that's an awesome one. Okay. I love it.

Amber: So we'll do two more quick ones, because I think they touch on slightly different mechanisms. So one of them is a cross lateral movement. I don't know if you've talked to your audience about these yet. So the easiest cross lateral movement that's easy to teach from the waist up here, is if you put one hand flat, so say put your left hand flat like a pancake, and you take your right hand and I want you to karate chop across it six times as quickly as possible. And then you're gonna reverse the hands. So you're gonna go 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6.

And I want you to move your top hand only. Because sometimes we only move our dominant hand. You wanna make sure that you're reversing that. And what this does is it facilitates the communication between your right and left hemispheres. So if you're spiraling, you can't let go of something, you're so upset, or you're so angry, or you're so hurt, and you're just kind of stuck in that.

So cross lateral movement and really any movement that cross where you're physically moving your body. So literally like walking, crawling, anything. It crosses the midline of your brain. This is why tapping has become really, really talked about a lot and used so much, that if you do this movement, you do this karate chop, you're gonna go six times as quickly as possible and then six times as quickly as possible. Now make sure that you actually relax your shoulders and breathe, because if you're holding your breath and you're just going in as fast as you can and your teeth are clenched, that's the opposite of what we want here. That's not gonna help. So you do have to purposefully relax your shoulders, breathe in and out through your nose, and then do six and six and six.

And I've had people, Whitney, ask me well, how long do you do it? And it was so interesting because I thought, oh, I've never had to time it. Because you can tell physiologically when you start to calm down. So I will estimate that it takes no more than 30 seconds, most of the time, for you to calm your nervous system. And all of a sudden you're like, okay, I remember what just happened. It didn't cause any sort of self-hypnosis, but it released that visceral, agitated, emotional reaction. And I can look at it with a lot more reason and space.

And I think workspaces should use this before you start a team meeting. If you are in the middle of an argument with your partner and you're not getting anywhere, and it's just cycling, A) don't do it before bedtime, B) don't do it in your bedroom, C) go outside if you can be moving. But one of these cross lateral movements will also help you take a moment and reset your central nervous system.

Dr. Whitney: Yeah, absolutely. Well, there's a couple things happening with that. One, we have a more logical side of our brain and then a side of our brain that's more artistic or creative or whatnot. And so by crossing those two things, it's making it so that we're able to bring more logic into the moment. The other thing that it's doing is releasing some of that energy. You know, they say when you have anger, you have a big emotion. It has to go somewhere. So it could come out and you're spewing out obscenities at people. It could go with you coping by eating something really quick. Or it could go by you moving your body.

It also is a distraction for a second, but not in a way that you have to think about. Like don't think about it. Don't get angry, don't get angry. don't get angry. It's more like I'm gonna focus my attention on this movement that I'm doing. So all three of those things are happening in your brain when you do that. The other thing that happens when you get really upset is you have your limbic system, which is again, kind of your reptilian brain, your most archaic part of your brain. That's your emotion center.

And then your logical brain, which sits in your prefrontal cortex. I always think about it like a fist as the amygdala and then we have the prefrontal cortex on top. And when you are upset, it actually flips your lid, what we call it in pediatrics. And makes it so that the prefrontal cortex all of a sudden has absolutely no control at all. It gets out of the way, right?

Amber: It gets outta the way on purpose, right? Like, you don't need me right now.

Dr. Whitney: Again, kind of with the tiger thing, right? Because it's like, whoa, I guess you don't need me to run purely on emotion right now. Think like adrenaline. What's the thing that I need to do right this second? I mean, think of people who heroically pick up a car, so that they can get a baby out the way. It can be really helpful in situations where there actually is a need for that piece of our brain to work.

Amber: And a lot of times your prefrontal cortex is saying, you can't lift this car. That's not logical. You might hurt your back, blah, blah, blah. You don't need that language. You don't need that.

Dr. Whitney: Exactly. But when we are kind of flipping our lids emotionally, then we do want more of that logic to come down. So that's another way to think about it, is that this sort of activity allows the moment, allows the pause for that lid to come back down and for the prefrontal cortex to be involved and in sync with our emotions instead of them being completely separate.

Amber: Beautiful. Beautiful. So there's a lot of different things that you can do like this. And in the book, I have a whole chapter where I walk people through creating their own. And this is where we circle back to self-trust and really knowing what's gonna work best for you, versus your neighbor, your best friend, your sister-in-law. Because they're gonna come and be like, oh my gosh, I found this thing I'm doing. It's called a cross lateral movement. It's awesome.

Now granted, I think that is one that will work for almost everybody. But, sometimes people suggest things that you're like, oh, okay, I want the result you are getting. So I'm gonna do that same thing before kind of checking in with myself.

I've had people a lot come to me lately and be like, oh my gosh, I'm obsessed with CrossFit. Like I love it. It's changed my life. Yeah. It's so fun. And I feel myself starting to get excited with them. Like, okay, I need to find a CrossFit class. And then I sit back and say, okay, I want the result that they have and you know what? I already know what gives me that result. Because, especially if you're a little older, dance classes, hands down, dance classes do it for me way more than any other type of physical activity I have found to date.

And so instead I say, oh, I want that result. Do I know another way that I already know has worked for me in the past or something I've really wanted to always do and never quite given myself the permission to do. That's what you need to answer.

So anyway, in the book I have what's called, your Emergency Emotional Support Plan. And what I want you to do there is to pick three of the activities, because I suggest a bunch of them, like the ones we just mentioned. I want you to pick three that are in the 60 second range, three that are in the 10 minute and three that are in the 30 minute range. And that's your plan.

Because often when we're in the zone, it's hard to remember. And even if we remember, sometimes we don't wanna do it, because part of us feels validated when we stay mad. It's like, well, they need to know what they did is not okay, what they did. So I'll show them by being really pissy all day.

Dr. Whitney: Yeah. We self-sabotage ourselves basically.

Amber: Yeah. So it's like the whole drinking poison, thinking it's gonna hurt your enemy. Like really, it's mostly hurting you to stay in that zone. So when you create your own Emergency Support Plan and you have it in your phone and you have it on your laptop and you have a printout in your car, or whatever in your purse, and then you check in, you also know your triggers. Like, man, I'm going to that ice cream drawer in my freezer every single time the kids go to bed this week. I know something's up with me. I know I'm being emotionally triggered and I'm soothing myself with ice cream or whatever it is.

Or I know that when I start ranting on social media on people's feeds that I don't even know and I don't even care about, I know for me that's an indication that something's off and I maybe need to start implementing some true, what I call true self-care, not surface self-care. Which is nice in the moment. Totally fine. It's not this kind of lasting deep effect. So knowing your triggers is a big part of the book. Like giving you an idea and then also creating this emotional emergency support plan.

And then understanding, and we haven't even talked about it yet, which anxiety style you are. So I have it broken up and it's based loosely on Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Except for one of them. So it's based on four. I didn't include the one that's the most fundamental, because most of the people reading books like this are not also really worried day in and day out if they're meeting their basic physiological needs. They don't have time to go to Barnes and Noble and get this book or jog and listen to it on Audible.

But there was another category that I felt I was missing, so I added a fifth. And so they are lover, fighter, executive, visionary, and dynamo. And these five all have different triggers that tend to trigger one person more than another. They have different contributing factors. They have different, what I call, superhero traits. Really these amazing skills and abilities that you've developed as a result of this anxiety style that totally serve you.

And we wanna take a moment and celebrate and acknowledge like, oh my gosh, you're such an organized person. You're so loyal, you're very perceptive of other people's needs or moods. You're a visionary, you just have this big picture focus or you really listen to your intuition. You make decisions from this kind of gut, heart-based, position or you're very whatever it is. Let's celebrate that where it's serving you. And then let's see maybe what parts of your anxiety are not any longer.

Because my guess is, at some point, they were serving you. But maybe they're not serving you so much anymore. Or they are protective mechanisms that you put in place at one point in your life when you needed them and now you don't anymore because you are safer, you're in a healthier relationship or you live in a safer apartment complex, who knows what it is.

You can maybe learn to let down and release some of those protective layers that you've put on and move forward from there. So this is a framework that can help people kind of understand, oh, okay, my partner is a lover and I'm an executive. Oh, that makes so much more sense now.

Dr. Whitney: Yeah, I love that part of the book because that's totally how it is for me and my partner. And what you were saying about protective measures that you take that served you maybe previously or that maybe you didn't understand why you were using them previously, but maybe now you have a deeper understanding of who you are and why you operate the way you do. What I find about what we're saying about being mad all day long, icing everybody out, giving everybody the cold shoulder, staying mad or exploding at everybody, is that part of the reason that it ends up self-sabotaging us is because it steals our power. It makes it so that those boundaries are even harder to hold later because then we don't trust ourselves even more. Because we go, man, I get all mad. It ends up that I act like a jerk to everybody. You know what I mean?

When I have feelings about something, when I feel like my priorities aren't met, then the way I respond creates a habit for everybody. So then I shouldn't again assert my opinion or assert my needs, because at the end it comes back to bite me. And so if we can learn healthier ways to, in that moment, calm our nervous systems, and then respond. Respond versus react and respond in a way that's gonna help us and help the other person get our point across, then we build our own power. And we make it so that then people do listen to us and we ask them for what they need or maybe they don't, but we feel okay with that already. Because we feel good about who we are. We know and we trust ourselves.

Amber: I feel like self-trust has been kind of a core thing that's connecting everything that we're talking about. And I have a little mini exercise, a strategy that can help with this. So a lot of people, especially new moms will be, and rightly so, overwhelmed. I'm busy, I have so many things on my list or I now have little kids and I'm taking care of my aging parents. Or they're across the country and I have this guilt about it. You know, there's so many things.

So I encourage people in that situation, especially when it's not like, hey, you have a lot of stuff on your list, you should just get rid of some of it. That's not always possible. And, of course there are a lot of great strategies with how to, check in and see what can you delegate, what can you delay, what can you delete? Those are great.

However, sometimes you're still left with more on your plate than you can emotionally handle. So what do you do then? Here's what I recommend: You're gonna add something to your plate. So I understand that that's counterintuitive, but here's how it works: You look at everything that you're doing, how are you spending your time, what are you attending to, where are your resources going? So it's time, energy, resources, attention.Where's all that going and how aligned is it with what's really important to you?

So two things, what's really important to you and what lights you up? So if you are spending a lot of any of those categories, a lot of time, a lot of energy or a lot of attention or a lot of resources, on things that you do not really care about, take notice. So for instance, we have a bunch of people coming over this afternoon to shoot a music video, because my kids are musicians. I have been an anxious mess this morning, because my house is a mess. My house is a mess, because I live with a lot of people and we're all messy and it's not a priority for me. I would love to live in a spotless, beautiful house. I do not prioritize my time that way. I just don't, I'd rather do five podcasts today than clean my effing house. I really would.

Dr. Whitney: Amber, okay. You walked right into this. So, that's what my entire new book that's coming out in February is all about. It's about doing it all. And the entire book is about how do you define what those things are that you care the most about?

Amber: Yes. Oh beautiful.

Dr. Whitney: So that you can put less energy or say no or delegate or whatever to everything else. So the other piece outside of it matters less, because it's really starting with, like Stephen Colby in, I can't remember the book, but it's about like putting one of the big rocks in, you put the big rocks in first. You know what I mean? So you've gotta fill your life, fill your jar first with the stuff that lights you up and that you love and that you feel passionate about and that makes you excited and makes you whole, gives you joy. And then if the other stuff doesn't get done or doesn't get done in the way you want it or you don't check everything off your list, you're like whatevs.

Amber: So here's my strategy for people who feel like, oh my God, I already put the sand in and there's already the medium rocks and I only have space for two of my big boulders. What do I do? So this is what I recommend: I don't know if the analogy will follow with the rocks, but I will often have people make a list of all the ways they generally spend their day. Okay. Send emails, I run errands. You know, whatever. And you rate them on a scale of one to 10. Eight, nine, or tens are like, oh my gosh, this fills me up. It's a big rock. I love it. I would do this every day. It's so fun.

Five is completely neutral. Doesn't really take anything out of me, but it doesn't really fulfill me either. Like I can take it or lose it. It's not really adding or depleting me emotionally during my day. And a one or two is like, I could never do this again and be totally fine. Making dinner, cleaning the house. But everybody's are different, right? So for somebody else, making a beautiful, healthy dinner for their family is an eight, nine, or 10 for them. That is what fuels them. So this is so personal and what I recommend you do is find something that is an eight, nine, or 10 and you add it to your list at least once a week.

And what I want you to do today is, whatever it is that just popped into your head, that's an eight, nine, or 10. And if you're not sure what it is, if you're like, I don't even know anymore. I don't even know what's an eight, nine, or 10 for me. So you can ask yourself, what used to be an eight, nine, or 10 for you that haven't done in a long time. Give yourself permission to do it again. What have you kind of always wanted to do? Oh you know what, I really wanna learn French. And bonus points if it's something that doesn't add to the financial bottom line of your family, because then you know it's really coming from your heart. You're not doing it for anybody else. And if other people would think it's kind of weird.

You know some people I'll have this conversation with, and they'll be like, I just love getting out in my garden barefoot and planting tomato plants. That makes me so happy. And I'm like, yes, do that. Because I don't wanna do that. You know it's really coming from a deep place and it's only gonna be right for you, probably.

Dr. Whitney: One question you can ask people that you love and trust and you think have your back is to be like, when you think of me at my happiest, when I'm at my best self, what am I doing? Because sometimes you've been so long not doing anything and people see you always upset but they've been your friends for a while, they're your friends for a reason. There must be something that they liked about you. You know? So ask other people if you're really lost. Because I know there's something. I know there's something you love.

Amber: And if they're like, oh, whenever you're talking about books, you're always talking my ear off about books, or you're always talking my ear off about marine biology or whatever it is, go find Facebook groups with people who have similar interests. I mean I have people that literally I can text a sentence, I can say, oh my gosh, this sentence, can you believe it? I just read this sentence. How beautiful is this sentence? I mean, there's not too many people that would be like, please don't, don't text me. Please take me off your text chain. I have a couple people that I can text and they would be like, oh heck yeah. Or this word. Like how cool is this word? I mean, so I know that's just me, right? I'm not making that shit up.

Dr. Whitney: Oh man, you and I, we could talk nerdy to each other and author to each other all day long. Because maybe we're lost soul sisters. I love it. But yes, it's about like, what's the thing that when you say it, it kind of makes you laugh and everybody else laughs too. Those are the things. Those are the things. Those are the things.

Amber: So today, so anybody listening, what I want you to do is today, even if it's 11:30, you're gonna do it before midnight. So today I want you to make a step in that direction. So book the class, email the friend, find that Facebook group, get out the guitar. Like you don't have to do the thing right now, but put it in your schedule for Tuesday morning. Whenever it is. Whatever it is. Make it that much easier to do sometime this week. But take forward action on it today. Within the next 24 hours or before midnight tonight. I like before midnight tonight because that's sooner. I feel like once you sleep you're gonna be on to the next thing. We don't want that. Yeah, do it now. Do it tonight.

Dr. Whitney: We're gonna end there, because you guys have a really, really pressing issue that you need to get to. So we're gonna give you time to do that. Amber, this has been maybe one of my favorite episodes. Tell people where they can find you, where they can find the book, where they can get more of this absolute gold information from you.

Amber: Beautiful. Okay, so I am at ambertrueblood.com . There is an anxiety styles quiz you can take. I also have a quiz called the super sense quiz that can also help you find ways to reduce stress and anxiety depending on your super sense. The book, I highly recommend, is a great resource tool that you can use and go back to over and over again. It's called the Unclustered Mom . It is also on Audible. So if you prefer to listen to your books, you can check it out on Audible.

When you order it, make sure to go to my website and put in what your anxiety style is and like where you ordered the book. I think it might ask you. And then you put in your email address and you will get a bunch of really cool stuff to your inbox. So that'll include a guided meditation specific to your anxiety style, a guided mantra practice that's four minutes, super short, that's specific to your anxiety style. I have my top nine sleep tips for moms on there that are very simple.

Please just pick one at a time, unless you're a fighter anxiety style and you wanna do them all and just throw everything out the window and just start and completely change everything. Which if that's you, awesome. If not, just choose one sleep tip to add. But there's a bunch of amazing resources there that are kind of my "thank you" to anybody who orders and reads the book.

Dr. Whitney: Awesome. Thanks for being here. We'll see you guys next time.

IF YOU'RE EATING OREOS IN YOUR CLOSET, THIS ONE'S FOR YOU

Thu, 12 Oct 2023 13:30:00 GMT

The other day, I read something that spoke more clearly to my life than any other piece of writing ever has.

I mean, it was a meme, but it makes me feel better to say “I read something.” It had words on it–that still counts!

It said:

I feel anxious today. So I think to make myself feel better, I’m gonna eat this whole cake. Which makes me feel anxious about my stress eating. Which makes me eat more cake. I am now more cake than I am human.

I’m not talking about having drinks with your girlfriends simply because it’s Tuesday. Or even about getting smashed at a bachelorette party and having an amazing weekend.

Like I said, I’m not an expert here. So I don’t even really want to give you “3 Steps to stop emotional eating and drinking.” I think that’s a topic for another day.

What I really just want to bring to light is why we do it in the first place–and I actually think that once we get a hold of that piece, it can really help get us down the “3 steps…” road.

Here’s what I believe it boils down to: control.

When we’re putting everyone and everything in front of our own needs.

We feel like we have no control over our lives. No ownership. No say in where our time and energy goes.

But what’s the one thing we feel like we can control? What goes in our bodies. We’re the ones actually lifting that fork or dumping that bag of chips in our faces.

In a world where we feel like all of our choices have been made for us, food feels like curling up on your couch with a blanket and a classic rom/com. It feels comforting.

And it feels like we’re telling something that we’re the boss.

Here are the times that I feel pulled the most towards emotional eating and drinking:

When I’ve worked an insane day at the clinic stretching over 12 hours
After I’ve lost it with my kids
When I feel undervalued at work and my voice isn’t heard
When our finances are out of control and we haven’t really checked in with the budget in awhile
When my house is too cluttered and I can’t relax in my own home

And I know I said I wasn’t gonna give you steps to stop heading in this direction, but I want to share the questions I have learned to ask myself in those moments.

What am I feeling right now? What am I hoping to feel? Will this ________ (drink, candy, etc…) help me feel like that?

And then I can check in from there. Maybe I’m feeling happy that something happened and I want to celebrate! And that glass of champagne is a beautiful way to connect with my husband.

That’s one of the reasons I wrote my latest book, Doing It All . Because that’s what we’re taught, right? You can have it all and smile while doing it.

Want more? Tired of feeling like you have to do it all to be a good mom? Guess what? You don't! Check out my newest book release here .

HOW TO BE AN AMBITIOUS, OUT-OF-THE-BOX CAREER MAKER AND AN ENGAGED MOM WITH TAYLOR RAVEN AND ROSE WETZEL

Thu, 05 Oct 2023 13:30:00 GMT

Dr. Whitney: Hey everybody, it's Dr. Whitney. Welcome back to the Modern Mommy Doc Podcast. It is my pleasure to welcome two women who are working moms, but not in the traditional brick and mortar, go to the office sense, who are doing something really ambitious with their lives. And so I wanted to talk to them because some days we forget about these different parts of the working mom life. So I have Ms. Taylor Raven and Rose Wetzel. Ladies, introduce yourselves. Taylor, let's start with you.

Taylor: I'm Taylor Raven. I'm a mom to a really cute 14 month old, and I am an opera singer, so that keeps my life pretty interesting. I'm on the road a lot and she's in tow with me.

Rose: Hello everybody. I'm Rose Wetzel and I am a mother of a six year old daughter Taylor, who just started kindergarten. And I am a professional obstacle course racer, so I don't do a ton of traveling year round, but I definitely have some bouts with intense travel, some upcoming world championships in Belgium and Abu Dhabi. And I have a very untraditional job in the fact that I have a lot of flexibility, which I appreciate, but I'm also just always on as a professional athlete. You don't really turn it off.

Dr. Whitney: You're constantly on. Yeah. Well, hey, congratulations on the kindergarten moment, because I don't know how you have been feeling once your child went to kindergarten, but I remember, of course, having these mixed emotions about sending my baby off to school, but also this feeling of real freedom. Before when they're doing just little bits here and there, daycare or preschool or whatever, it's so limited. Or when they're in daycare, they can get really sick. But once they go to kindergarten, it's a chunk of time that you have to yourself to get some things done.

Rose: Yes. It's bittersweet for sure. She was ready to go like, see ya. But it was great. She's ready and that's huge. And then yes, these large chunks of time, knowing she's in great hands, learning, is just a game changer.

Dr. Whitney: That's so awesome. All right. Now Taylor, as you said, you have a 15 month old and, yet, you have your little one on the road with you. Talk to us about what that's been like over the last year and a half, because, of course, there's so many different stages that go quickly in the first year and a half. From being this crying infant that needs tons of assistance, up all night. And then once you get into those toddler years, way more active, maybe if you're staying in a hotel or in an Airbnb, you're worried they're gonna break things. So talk to me about what the different challenges are and then maybe what are some of the things that you found that are unexpected moments of joy?

Taylor: Yeah. Oh man. I think in the beginning, the hardest part is just that they need you constantly and they have no independence. And I found that to be extremely difficult, especially with my job, which is very interpersonal. So when I'm at work, I'm not kind of zoning out and going into a task by myself. I'm having to interact with people and be vulnerable and all these things. And then I come home and this little one is like, hold me all day. And I found that to be the most mentally fatiguing and it was really hard for me. I kind of just white knuckled through it, to be honest. I had a lot of support on top of that and it was still so hard. My husband's mother came with us for my first gig back, and she was amazing, but I was full-time breastfeeding, so there's only so much help you can take. But the older she got, the easier it got. She's very independent. She'll just walk off and go and find something to do and I can just kind of keep my eye on her. So it is so different.

The traveling is horrific. There's so many things you have to bring: the travel crib, the car seat, and the stroller, and then you have to bring your things and you have to bring her things. I have a hilarious picture of my husband wearing the car seat on his back and pushing two suitcases and then kicking the travel crib. And I'm holding her and it's chaos.

My husband transitioned out of working remotely into being a stay at home dad and that has been the best thing for us. He comes with me and he takes care of her when I'm at work, and then I give him a break when I get home and it's just more balanced. And I feel we operate better that way. I don't know how sustainable that is, but for now, it really, really works for us. So, yeah, it's just changing every week and you just have to kind of go with the flow.

Dr. Whitney: So two things you said that I think a lot of moms will resonate with. One, is just this idea of your travel things not being your own anymore. My husband is really big on efficiency through the airport. We have the TSA pre-check and he only brings one little tiny bag and nobody gets to over pack. But then when you have the little kids, it doesn't matter what you want. They have to have all the things, you have to bring all the stuff that does get so much better over time. But it is a point of stress to physically be doing it all by carrying all those things as a family and then needing a bigger car to put stuff in and needing a space to put all the things.

And then the other thing that you talked about was this idea, and I'm sure this is probably true for you as well, Rose, is, for all three of us really, the job is so outward facing.

You're constantly in a performance mode. It's glad handing people and saying hi and being on. And for my work as well, being very vulnerable and emotional and trying to be very focused. I get up in front of a group of people and speak to a room of 600 people and then just get to be on autopilot. I have to be very, very dialed in. And so to come home after that is sometimes draining because your kids don't know what your day was like, that you just put in all this effort. You weren't sitting at a computer just clicking buttons. They expect you to be fully there. Rose, have you had that experience where you feel like, man, I just did this crazy obstacle course. I just did this crazy physical thing and now emotionally, I don't know how much more bandwidth I have left?

Rose: Oh, it totally, yeah. When my daughter, Taylor, was two, I was on American Ninja Warrior and actually she knew I was on TV because she was there and she gave me a high five at the starting line. So she knew that I was doing something big, but the reality is that she doesn't really know at two years old and really not even much at six that this is an extra big day. Mommy's gonna be on TV. The thing she's training for all year is today. Maybe it goes really well and that's great, maybe it doesn't go well and mommy needs a moment to focus and figure out what she needs to work on.

But the two, the three, the four, certainly not the zero year old and, and really not even so much the six year old, they don't understand that.They just want you to play. I found it can help if you can learn what their love language is. Are you familiar with the theory of love languages? So apparently it works for kids as well. I've tried to figure out what my kid's love language is, because then I can get more bang for my buck with my effort. So it turns out my kid loves gifts. I am much more of a words person and time. She likes gifts, and gifts are great, don't get me wrong, but they're just not super high on my list.

I was one of nine kids growing up, which there was never enough to go around. I couldn't rely on gifts to feel loved. So I'm learning, I gotta hit up the Dollar Store on the way home and find some trinket for her, and then she can receive that, feel loved, and then go off in the corner and play with that. And that gives me a few moments to gather myself and kind of regroup after a really intense, forward facing, performance type of day.

Dr. Whitney: Yeah, absolutely. You know, on the trinket front, what I have found with my kids, everywhere I travel, I get them a little key chain. And so they keep them on their backpacks now from all the different places that I go. There's an Orlando one and a New York one or whatever. One of my kids is very gift oriented as well. And so that's cheap enough that I can buy it and it's not gonna break the bank, but it's enough for her to feel that this is something really fun that I got from mom on her trip.

What advice would either of you have for moms who have a big dream for themselves, but feel like maybe there's not enough room in being a mom and being a worker to have room for both of those dreams? To have the dream of being an amazing mom and have the dream of pursuing this amazing thing that you care the most about? What's the advice that you would give for someone who’s grappling with feeling like maybe I shouldn't go after my dream?

Taylor: Well, that's a big question. What I thought of when you asked that question was what example I wanted to leave for Jade, for my daughter. And I want her to look at me and it to be a reflection of who she wants to become when she's older and what she wants to do in her life. And I think I want her to look up to me in that way: Mom wanted to do this and she did it. When women choose to focus solely on their kids, that's 100% something that I admire. I just wanna set a good example for her so she knows you don't have to choose as a woman.

And if you choose to have a job and be a mom, you can do it and it's possible. And if you choose to just have a job and not be a mom, that's cool. And if you choose to just be a mom, that's cool. But I just want her to know that she doesn't really have to choose one or the other if she doesn't want to. And so I think that is the big thing. But there's the practical side of needing so much support to do both. So you have to establish that support first, before you go down the path of the balancing act of being a working mom.

Dr. Whitney: I love that. I think a ton about this idea of modeling or imagining what I want life to be like for my kids all the time. I think about that all the time when I think about my husband and how I want my kids to be treated by their partner. And I use that a lot, actually, with my partner and the way I wanna divide up things at our house. Let's think about what we want our kids to experience when they're older. What do we want their expectations to be? Because whatever we do, that's what they're gonna think is normal. That's what they're gonna think is okay. Like you said, everything's fine, but this podcast is primarily working moms that are listening to it. So I think we're safe to say the majority of women that are listening to this podcast do have some other big thing outside of their kids that they wanna pursue and that they wanna be part of or that brings a lot of satisfaction. What do you think, Rose?

Rose: Taylor, you hit the nail on the head and I'd love to build off the last thing you touched on, which is having a really strong base. So the first thing that I thought of was if someone's saying, I'm here right now in my life and I wanna do something else bigger, different, you name it, I recommend stepping back and building an even stronger foundation. However high you want your tower to go up, make sure you've got a strong enough foundation to support the level of the hight that you want to get. So for me, I happen to also have a really supportive husband, and that's huge. Not everyone has a supportive partner. Not everyone has a partner at all. Doesn't mean it can't be done. It just means you need to cultivate a support network with other people and be a support for others.

A lot of what I've found, too, is that you can't overdo the basics. So for me, that's sleep, which I know is hard for a lot of people. But as an athlete, sleep is absolutely crucial. Maybe as a singer, it's even more like hydration. I have to be hydrated or I cannot sing. Whenever I'm like, God, I feeling kinda overwhelmed, let's step back. How am I doing with my basics? What can I cut out that is not a direct line to my biggest goal that I have? And then regroup. So it's nutrition for me, specifically, but really I think everyone can relate to this. Am I taking care of myself physically, mentally? There's some saying I've heard that's something like, "meditate for 20 minutes a day, and if you're too busy to do that, meditate for an hour."

So take care of your basics. And for me it's sleep, it's nutrition, and also supplementation. I've been taking a supplement called Mitre Q that works on the cellular foundation. I'm 41 years old. My cells don't have quite the zip and zest that they did before, because, as we age, our cells start to decline. But I'm lining up on world championship race start lines with people 20 years younger than I am. And when I do things like taking supplements like this one that's a micro antioxidant that really goes in and energizes my cells, then I feel confident that I can mix it up with the best of them.

So nutrition, supplementation, sleep, hydration, meditation, socializing. Some people really need a lot of social time. Some people need a lot of alone time. Whatever it is that you need, find that foundational piece that you can rely on, recoil, and then you can blast off and conquer the world.

Dr. Whitney: Yeah, totally. Okay. So super interesting. And I was telling this to Taylor before we started recording for the podcast today. I was just on somebody else's podcast. And basically they asked me a similar question about if you wanna live a more centered life or a life that has more meaning or satisfaction, how do you do it?

And I was talking about this idea from my new book called Doing It All, where you basically spend some time getting back, zooming out, thinking about what are the things that bring me joy and what are my real values? And trying to have five of each and combining them to create five priorities in your life. And then deciding those are the places I'm gonna put the vast majority of my time and my energy. And then all the other things in my life I'm gonna get them done, but not waste time on them, basically. Try to do them efficiently or give them to someone else or say no to or whatever.

And they go, Whitney, there's no way that women who are overwhelmed can do that. It feels like so much work. And to your point, Rose, I was like, okay, well if you wanna build a house, I guess you could just keep on putting bricks on top of a bunch of sand or not put any foundation on the bottom. But we're talking about if you are feeling overwhelmed, if you are feeling like you wanna pursue something that's you're really passionate about, plus be an amazing mom, I just don't think it's possible without zooming out a little bit and thinking about what are the things that matter to me? How am I gonna set myself up for success?

Now, I'm sure, Taylor, you could speak to this because you're in the thick of it right now even more than Rose and I are, but it's not like you have everything figured out. I'm sure you've learned a ton along the way and it's not like you sat there and created a whole business plan for your work mom life. But is Rose, right? Are there certain things that you do to make sure that you're able to do your job really well, to keep on reaching your dream?

Taylor: It's really interesting to hear Rose talk from an athletic perspective because we opera singers like to kind of go about our lifestyle in a very similar way, athletically. We have to take care of our body, our health. Yes, we have to hydrate, we have to sleep. We have to sleep. We have these little vocal folds in our throat that are the size of a dime and we use them for everything. And they're super vulnerable. And if we don't sleep, they don't recuperate. Like a muscle, they don't regenerate and relax. It's really interesting, I've started waking up an hour before my daughter, which sounds counterintuitive, but she's kind of a late sleeper. All the books say wake them up at seven. But I don't. I let her sleep into whenever she wants.

I get up at seven and I do my 20 minute yoga and have some quiet time. I make my coffee, I sit on the couch, I just have a moment to myself and she wakes up about eight and that one hour in the morning just sets me up. It's just my time to where I'm Taylor. I'm not just a mom. I'm not just a singer. I'm a person. Just to have that moment. I could do better with sleep for sure. I love to stay up late and like doodle bop around my house and do stupid things that I shouldn't do. And I really should sleep more. I need to work on that. But I take that one hour in the morning and my husband knows if Jade wakes up, he goes and gets her, because that's just like my time. So yeah I like to check those boxes too of eating well, drinking water, sleeping. It doesn't always happen.

Dr. Whitney: I had a psychologist on the podcast recently, Dr. Morgan Klip. She has an amazing book that's just best about her phrase that she uses is "Go mom yourself," which I love. Because of course you would make sure your kids get water, you wouldn't let your kids stay up all night long, you wouldn't feed your kids, only junk food, you wouldn't make your kids run around frazzled. But we don't take care of ourselves in that same way. So basically her point is like, you have to treat your little inner child the same way that you would everybody else in your life.

Rose, how do you feel like being a mom has influenced your profession and your work? What positive things do you feel like being a mom has brought? Is there anything that it's taught you? Is there anything that you feel like, wow, because I'm a mom, I'm a better athlete in this way, or I've been more successful in this way?

Rose: Great question. So I use my body to do my job in a very physical manner. So, going through pregnancy and then postpartum clearly got in the way of being able to just get up and go and race and race well and all of that. So after I had my daughter, I had to really evaluate, Is this dream, this goal, this really unique career that I've worked so hard to get to--is it worth all the time it's gonna take to come back as an athlete? Or is it time to just get that office job and sell some stuff and say, you know, gosh, that was fun while it lasted. And I thought hard and long about it. And I wanted to show my daughter what it was like to persevere.

I lost a lot of blood in childbirth, and so I was anemic after giving birth. And that did not bode well for running. It doesn't help anybody for living, but definitely difficult for running. And so I did really dig myself out of the trenches. It took longer than I thought. I was like, I'm gonna bounce back because I'm motivated and hardworking. And it was really humbling. And I think that it made me a better athlete and that there was that kind of "mom strong" that came out. I had a more meaningful reason to do it. It wasn't just about me or inspiring people on Instagram. My daughter is watching and she's seeing me literally sometimes pick myself up when I fall down in a race and slip on mud or whatever. And I think there's a lot of value to that. And so that got me to push through and dig deeper on extra challenging days.

Dr. Whitney: Yeah. Oh, so much about modeling today. I love that this was not the conversation I was thinking we would have, but I do think it's true. And I guess one thing I wanna say, because I'm sure that there's some people who are out there thinking like, well, gosh, "No pressure. Our kids are watching us." Sure, but that doesn't mean you have to be perfect. You just talked about falling down and picking yourself up.

Today I apologized to my kids after I dropped them off. I had to take them quickly to school early so I could make it back to record a different podcast. They were all flustered when they got to school and I go, sorry guys. I know this is because of me that you guys are feeling flustered, so sorry. I shouldn't have planned it this way. Next time I'll know that I need five or 10 extra minutes buffer to make this happen. And they're like, that's okay. But I'm hoping that that type of vulnerability or self-reflection helps them to not be so self-critical of themselves as they get older as they're trying to juggle things. I think that's an important piece of being a mom that we can teach our kids for sure. Taylor, how has being a mom influenced your career?

Taylor: Oh, man, I think I've got this kind of new capacity, but I feel like I'm so much more empathetic. I feel like I read situations and people a little differently now. I think that transfers to my work and as an actress and a singer. I sang Carmen this summer at Des Moines Metro Opera, and I brought her with me. And so my whole family was with me. And it's one of those roles where you're on stage the whole night and you're the title character. My personality as a person is one where I don't want all the attention on me. I love roles where I can support and lift up someone else in a show. And so I was doing this thing for the first time being THE person on stage.

And I found that being a mom totally helped me get through it and manage it. The multitasking that you learn how to do as a mom, it's just super helpful when you have a limited amount of time to practice. And now I'm just like, all right, I've got 50 pages to learn in three weeks, here we go. And I'll do it the hour that she's napping. I'm gonna go into turbo mode here and I'm just gonna get it done. And so my brain is just more task oriented than it used to be. So I think empathy and just an ability to make a plan and to tell my brain, this is what we're doing right now because this is the only time that you have today to do it. So in that way it really helps.

And also I just love when my daughter’s with me and she gets to meet all of my castmates. She would come, I was still nursing her at the time this summer, and she would come to the building and meet all of my castmates and all of my friends that I was working with, and she became like a part of the family there. And I think when she gets older and she starts to really understand what she's doing and who she's with, I think it's just gonna be really a cool part of her life to meet so many people and live in so many different places. And I think it's just gonna keep her open to people and to the world. So I think that's really cool. I'm not quite brave enough now for her to come to stuff. I feel like I'm scared. I don't know. Rose, you said that your daughter comes to your races, but I'm wondering, does your mind ever go into mom mode on accident while you're racing? I'm afraid I'll hear her squeal or something and I'm gonna get distracted.

Rose: Well you know that she's in good hands, right? And so do I. So I know that, yes, even if I hear "mommy," she's okay. I've been lucky, because so far the only times I've ever even interacted with her right before a race has been positive. One time, it was a livestream race, so not on NBC Sports or anything, but still a livestream race. We're lining up, with a minute or two to start and she wants me to meet her new friend. She's almost six and waving at me and trying to get me to come over. I knew I couldn't cross over or my chip will get all messed up with my time. Somehow she gets over to me and gave me the world's biggest hug and I started to almost cry and I was like, I've already won. So I got this huge hug from her and then she ran off. It took all of 25 seconds, filled my heart with joy. Granted, I wasn't up on stage, Taylor, it's a starting line, you know? But still, it was so cute. And I think I got like a turbo boost and then Spartan race filmed it and took the clip and blasted it out on social media. So everything end ended up being great. Someone commented though, yes, you got the the fun side where you got a boost. But if someone had run up and been like, your daughter just hit her head, it's a different story. Your heart lives over here and you're trying to perform and get in the zone. Something wonderful from your kid can boost it, but just as quickly that could've been negative. Being able to compartmentalize is super hard.

Dr. Whitney: Yeah totally. I've had it be that I'm supposed to go on stage and my husband has called me and I've made the mistake of picking up the phone. And it's my autistic daughter, saying, mommy so and so doesn't like me anymore. And she's sobbing, you know what I mean? And I was like, oh, I was thinking this was gonna be something really quick, you know, like five minutes before you're supposed to go on. And it's not. It's this catastrophic moment for her. So I do think sometimes that can be kind of hard, but I've learned now after that that “do not disturb” goes on 20 minutes ahead, 30 minutes ahead. I can't be distracted. That part of my preparation time where I need to do whatever type of meditation or do whatever type of breathing work, do whatever type of, practicing that I need to with other people is so important. So I think there's a hundred percent ways to get around.

By the same token, similar to you Rose, I've had my daughter come in in the middle of podcast recording, and say something that's so sweet or show up and say she wants to be part of a video. My youngest daughter's on the cover of my first book and in the grocery store will be like, my mom's a famous author, which I'm not, but she's my mom's that famous author and I'm the cover of a book and then I'll get a book sale. I'm not out there pedaling my kid, but it is this benefit I think like professionally. It's someone I wouldn't have even thought of making a connection with, honestly. Not even about business. It's about being a mom and the kids absolutely bring out that side where you think, well you look like you're a mom so you should have this information as well here. My mom has some information to tell you. You know? So I do think kids make it, on the whole, a hundred percent better.

Well thank you both so much for being here. As we close out, I would love it if each of you. I'll start with Rose. I could just give one or two practical pieces of advice for people who, from a career standpoint, are interested in doing something like you are doing. So if you have any pieces of advice about breaking into an industry or working in athletic position or Taylor anything about kind of the music world or opera. Just because I think people ask me lots of questions about that too, about being an author, about speaking, how to do those things. So for people that are interested in these out of the box, not in an office careers, what's a piece of advice you might give them?

Rose: Get a coach. I am a coach. I have a coach. Get a coach. Get a coach. So obviously if you're trying to get stronger, get a strength coach. Get better at speaking, get a speaking coach. I have a speaking coach. I need to work on speaking slower, I know, but I'm getting there. I took a life coaching certification and am starting Badass Hot Mess Life Coaching. And I'm working on things on myself first. And the biggest thing that's helped me is just, like I said, stepping back and looking at the foundation. If I had 50 clients tomorrow just dying to be serviced by me, would I even have the capacity to take them on? And so I read the book by Susie Orman called Women and Money and it taught that you know where your money's going and have it work for you. So it's there when you wanna take your business to the next level or whatever the case may be. So to me, money and personal finance goes into the foundational part.

Because it's really very confidence building to have your act together in all the departments, especially that one. So hire a coach, read books that will help with foundational organization like Susie Orman's Money and Women. And then as far as athletics specifically, it's just a matter of what are you both good at and enjoy and what are you willing to be doing many, many, many hours a day? Like even when it's what you enjoy, but it's no longer enjoyable every minute. So have this staying power and are you able to let your hobby turn into a job? Some people are like, I love to paint. You're such a good artist. And sometimes it can be valuable to have that hobby/slash profession where you do art, maybe you make some money or maybe you make a lot of money. That's great, but then you have another job where you actually can pay the bills, so you can let that creative side of you flow out and not always have to force it or force performances.

Dr. Whitney: I love that. That's great advice. What do you think Taylor?

Taylor: Well, there's so many different ways to be a singer and to be a performer and to be a classical musician in general. So I think, to speak broadly, finding how and what way you wanna be a performer or be a singer. Is that as a soloist, is that as a member of a chorus. Do you just wanna be on stage and work as a super or as an actress or do you have an instrument that you play? These are all thing s to consider and then find people or a person who can mentor you. I think mentorship is huge in what we do. Find someone through word of mouth or through research that does what you wanna do and talk to them.

And then on top of that, I think when I found out I was pregnant, the first thing that I did was reach out to moms who I knew had done this. They were performers and they were moms and I've reached out to a few people that were a little older than me and had had their career going and I asked them like, what do I do? One of my friends sent me a list of this journal that she had written from the years that she had been traveling with her kid of just like things that came up. Just very vulnerable and sweet. She shared this is what I was thinking at this point and what I was thinking at that point and all these things and it was just so helpful to me. So I think finding what you want to do and how you want to go about it or how you want to find a mentor and then talk to people who are doing both and kind of immerse yourself in that way of thinking and go about it that way.

Dr. Whitney: Yeah, that 100%. I think kind of the mentorship, but then like-minded people. There's gonna be tons of naysayers. There's gonna be tons of people that say you can't do that or that's too hard. But there are people out there that are like you and those are your people. If you're going for something that's big, something that's different, your people are the dreamers. Your people are the people who understand you. So surround yourself with more people who can support you and encourage you when you feel like stopping, when you feel like not continuing to run, or not continuing to speak, or not continuing to write, or not continuing to sing every single night.

Because you're absolutely right, Rose, that there is this staying power piece of it. Once it becomes a thing that you rely on to keep your house running, to pay your bills, to pay your mortgage, then sometimes it's not always fun every single moment anymore. And so you need that staying power and that encouragement to be able to keep on keeping on and to get yourself through those tough times till you get to the joyful parts again. Alright, thanks you guys so much for being here. Thanks everybody for listening. We'll see you next time.

HOW I MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION, EVERY TIME

Thu, 28 Sep 2023 10:45:00 GMT

If you’ve spent any time around here at Modern Mommy Doc, you’ve heard me talk a LOT about the hundreds of decisions moms make in a day. All the way from which kid gets the cool blue cup in the morning (which reminds me, for the love of everything holy, buy a second blue cup) to what to make for dinner to decisions about summer camps to hiring and firing decisions at work.

Even though they range from things that seem inconsequential to things that could literally be life and death, decision fatigue is real. And when we’re making so many effing decisions in a day, even making those small choices can seem like a lot.

So how are we supposed to know we’re making the right decisions? How are we supposed to be able to trust ourselves, when we aren’t just making decisions that us, but a lot of other people as well? And especially when there are so.many.voices who want to have opinions thrown into our lives?

Real life story time:

I have been crazy lucky over the last few years for me to work in an amazing pediatrics practice full-time, and then part-time in Portland, OR. I love my partners at work. They’re like family to me.

But then my work at Modern Mommy Doc shifted and started taking up A LOT of my time and energy—time and energy I REALLY wanted to give to all of you.

So, I had some tough decisions to make. If I wanted the flexibility I was yearning for, I would have to make some pretty big decisions about how many hours a week I committed to taking care of patients as their primary care physician.

I tried to work through a lot of different options to see how I could continue in the exact same way I had been, but, in my mind, there simply was no way around it: it was time to move forward and change up my work schedule. I had to reduce my hours dramatically in the primary care space. It was clearly the best thing for me and my family.

Well, “clearly” wasn’t so clear to many other people besides myself. My husband did not think it was a great idea (at first). My mom didn’t think it was a great idea (at first). I had a lot of voices telling me that this was not going to work. That I was only making it a LOT harder on myself.

And I began to doubt myself. Questioning whether or not I was making the right decision. Was I going crazy? I felt in my gut that I knew what was best. But what if I was wrong?

Going through this reminded me why it’s SO important to have your own internal compass and to consistently practice listening to that. You must know yourself, your priorities, and your centered vision so well so that when a decision comes along, you have something steady and constant to point back to.

You have to have your True North that realigns you when you get off course from your centered points. Or that helps you to know that you’ve gotten off course in the first place!

Other people in our lives have baggage just like us. And, if we let it, it can keep us from being the best version of ourselves, just like it does them. Which is why it’s so important to be choosy about what voices you listen to. Whose voice you allow to speak into your decisions.

You need those people in your life that can be objective. And sometimes that’s not who’s closest to you or your situation. Sometimes, it’s just you and your intuition.

For me, it was me, my intuition, and my therapist.

What I learned: It’s okay to change your mind. It’s okay to choose one thing and decide that you need to try something else.

Because, at the end of the day, it’s your life. And you are the ultimate move maker in it.

And you are the one who’s left living it.

Want more? Tired of feeling like you have to do it all to be a good mom? Guess what? You don't! Check out my newest book release here .

HOW TO STOP LOOKING AT EXERCISE AS PUNISHMENT WITH RACHAEL BROOKE

Thu, 21 Sep 2023 13:45:00 GMT

Dr. Whitney: Hey everybody. Welcome back to the Modern Mommy Doc podcast. I'm Dr. Whitney, and today I'm welcoming Rachael Brooke. Rachael, I know from Bird Cycle, which is the spin studio that I go to, which really dumbs it down. That shouldn't be how I explain it. I mean, it's like a spiritual experience that I feel like when I'm there, especially with Rachael. So Rachael, welcome to the show and please introduce yourself.

Rachael: That was such a nice intro that I'm very grateful for. I love doing what I do, and I love "teaching fitness," and that's not what it really feels like to me. So it means the world when I hear that people say it's more of an experience for them. I'm so glad we're both in Portland, Oregon. It's so nice to see people in person and know people. I teach movement and fitness and mindfulness, and I used to be so gung-ho on doing fitness in a million cajillion ways, lifting all the weights, using all the equipment, and now I've really honed in my practice to less being more, and I'm so excited to talk about that today with you.

Dr. Whitney: So we are gonna talk about this idea of Americans in particular, feeling this need to be in constant motion and feeling uncomfortable with the idea of slowing down. Tell me how you see that show up in the sessions that you teach.

Rachael: I'll use an example of today. I taught a spin class and it was slow and it was heavy. And you know, everyone's sweating. I don't even teach on the bike most of the time anymore. That's just not how my nervous system and my body likes for me to work out anymore. But I've been doing it for so long. So that's a whole other story. But I'm watching people really be challenged by the depth and the slowness, and I know that's not for everyone. I know some people come to a spin class and want it to be quick and fast, or workouts that are loud, and I still play loud music. We still do fast moments. There's good functions for all of that. But it's a cardio class. It's a conditioning class. It's using this piece of equipment that when I slow people down, I notice it makes people work harder, be more present in their body, be in the experience, and have more long lasting effects--be it their metabolism, or be it their thoughts or be it the challenge that came into their mind and they like worked through energy and motion and emotion. Someone day after class was like, I cried in class. And not that that's my goal, but when we slow down, we can have those experiences versus when we're going quick and fast and loud. And "distracted" would be the word. I used to teach classes that I think were very distracting classes. And I loved them. I loved going to them, I loved doing them. I really think that it was hard for us to not be distracted. We wanted distractions, we wanted flashiness. We wanted to, come in, tune out, and that's it. Versus I think there's a way that you can tune out all the noise and then tap into your own self and your own body, and that can't happen with the distraction. So it's been really fun to see that shift in fitness, see it shift for myself, experience for myself, and now kind of watch it trickle out to other people.

Dr. Whitney: Totally. Did the person who said they cried, were they happy that it brought them to that place? Or did it make them feel uncomfortable, do you think?

Rachael: Great, great question. I look back at my career where I taught at SoulCycle, I taught at Barry's bootcamp when those companies really headlined the boutique fitness scene in some really phenomenal ways. And I'm so grateful that I got to teach for them. I was taught by them. I had mentors at both places, and I built friendships and clients and lifelong situations through that. But I look back at that career and I do look back at some of my training, and I was not trained, and people really weren't trained to hold space for people going through big things. So I do think in the past there must have been many situations where folks might have an emotional release that they're not really held in those spaces.

Again, not dissing them at all. And I think the fitness scene, in general, is changing a lot. I'm seeing a lot of people change. And in that, I do think in the past, yeah, I probably had people cry in class and they were like, this is uncomfortable, or I'm triggered, I'm experiencing something, and I feel unsafe. And I've spent the last three, four years really focusing and learning and getting mentored in and certified in all these different ways to, for lack of a better term, be trauma informed, trauma aware, and be able to still teach my kick ass cardio classes, that are in boutique fitness spaces and hold a more ethical space for people to have those experiences. And that's come with so much time for me. So that being said, I can't speak for that exact person today. They did act and say it as if that was really what I needed, more or less, is what I heard from them, which was really cool. And I do hear that a lot. And my response to them actually was, oh my gosh, I make myself cry all the time too.

Dr. Whitney: Well, the reason that I was asking is, you know, it's funny. I'm the type of person, I love a good cry. I love a sad movie. I love the release of that. I love a good sad song. But I think that sometimes the being quiet, if I'm being totally honest, is really difficult for me, because it faces not just emotion, but my own emotions. It leaves me more with the anxiety that I have underneath it all, you know? Because I have to just be quiet with myself. And that's really hard. It is easier to be distracted, I think, for all of us as moms. And I think the way we live our lives is basically practicing being distracted, day in and day out, that, for me, sometimes it's more work to sit in that space.

Rachael: I'm so the right person to talk to about this right now.

Dr. Whitney: Is it happening for you too, even though you teach classes?

Rachael: Oh my gosh, yeah. You're catching me at the end of two months being totally off. I have not worked out. I have moved my body and I go on walks. I move when my body calls for movement. But to be someone known as a trainer at big studios, I had digital apps myself, I was running a fitness business, and I was dealing with severe chronic pain and severe anxiety and things that I couldn't get diagnosed. And that's after my whole panic disorder and Klonopin addiction that I dealt with for many, many years. Numbing myself. I wanted to be so distracted and I was. I would take a lot of Klonopin and I could somehow run on a treadmill at a Barry's bootcamp class. Like what? Granted I was like 20, 22 and now I'm almost 32. I can barely do even just a normal day that I did when I was 22.

But I really did not want to sit and be with myself. And that all came crashing down. And I'm so grateful for the support and medicine and so many different people and situations that supported me to get to the other side of that. That then was about a month before March of 2020, where we were all in our rooms, not able to leave, had to be with ourselves. My rock bottom happened six months prior to that point, so I had to take those six months prior to March 2020 and learn how to be with myself. And then obviously I was holding space for a lot of other people, and it led to where I'm at today.

But I say that because we can put together the dots when we look back. We can't put together the dots when we look forward. I think I'm an old soul and I look back and I'm like, that feels like 20 lifetimes. How was that just my twenties? I'm so psyched for what's next for this. And really feeling like my purpose, my dharma came from experiencing what I experienced in such a short amount of time and being in the fitness scene. And now here I am. I had all these chronic things. I'm like, wow, it's been three years. I've slowed down so much, and in that slowdown, it's been so uncomfortable and things have changed for me.

And then I look at those old videos of me or photos of me from four years ago. I was doing the most and going and thought that I was not doing enough. And I look at her and I'm like, oh, no. She actually does look unwell. She does look kind of distracted. I can see it in my eyes. And meanwhile that whole time I thought I needed to do more. And here I am, I feel better than ever. I feel healthier than ever. I would love to sweat a little bit more when I want to. And a lot of the chronic pain, chronic illness, chronic anxiety has started to dissipate. And I'm getting my body back to not a totally perfect nervous system, but a nervous system that can respond to stress and then enjoy the relaxation.And the thing that's helped me the most was when I learned to be uncomfortable in quiet and not have the distractions.

I met with this woman who she specializes in the Psoas, which in Chinese medicine, is considered the messenger to the soul. And her name is Liz. And I'm totally blanking on her last name right now. I have a lot of Lizes I've asked for support from, but she's all about connected core awareness. And I met with her at the beginning of this two month journey of mine. I was like, Liz, gimme all the answers. I wanna keep my pain within my Psoas. And I'd finally figured that out. And she was just like, “You're funny. You're trying to go into the next two months, the way that you've been living your whole life. You're going into two months of rest as intensely as you do your whole life.”

She gave me just this one assignment to sit in what's called constructive rest, where you're on your back, your knees are bent, your feet are on the floor, barefooted. And to close my eyes and to just do that every day, while also continuing to do my normal life. I couldn't just go cold-turkey--this is gonna then be a practice in my entire life. And so this was just eight weeks ago. Week one I would try sitting there for 30 seconds. Five minutes in, and I was going wild. Like, I wanted to grab my phone. I craved and needed those distractions. My body itched to move. By week two, I think I cried while I was in it. And then got sleepy and took a nap. Week three, I now notice so many other things I do.

I'm not going on a walk listening to podcasts at the same time. I don't know why I did that. But now I go on a walk and I don't listen to anything. I'm there. I'm present. I cook now without a TV show on in the background. That's in week three, week four, week five, I now notice when I'm in constructive rest, my stomach kind of gurgles because it's digesting in that moment. And I guess all that to say that, yeah, it's so uncomfortable. And yeah, I'm a "movement professional." But for somebody with chronic anxiety, someone with chronic pain, chronic anything, resting has been the key.

It's hot right now to talk about nervous systems and regulating it and there's so many experts, so I'm not even gonna pretend to try to talk about that. But I wanna learn about it. And I think everybody should experience it for themselves. And it will be uncomfortable because we are so conditioned. I'm not a mother, but I see my mom friends, I see my own mother, and I see what I imagine motherhood potentially being for me, being lots of distraction. You have other living humans that you're taking care of their nervous system. You're making sure that they feel safe. So making sure that your own body feels safe has probably, on some scientific level and mental level, been proven.

Dr. Whitney: No, a hundred percent. If you are not showing your nervous system that you are not running from a tiger, basically, it just never slows down. I love what you said too about how Liz said you have to keep on living your life while you do this. Because I think that happens for a lot of us. We think when things are perfect, when my kids are grown, when I have the perfect job, when I move into my new house that's gonna be shiny and new, that's when I'll start doing the things that are really good for me. And that's when I'll start practicing being able to be quiet. It's like, well, geez, you're living your life right now, and however you are now is how you're gonna be once you get to that "perfect" place too. So yeah, that makes a ton of sense to me.

I wanna talk to you about this idea that you talked about in your classes, about exercise not being a punishment and not being something that we have to get through in order to be able to enjoy our lives. Talk to me about that, because there's so many women who feel that way, who feel like this is something I have to do to my body, so that way I fit in or I'm okay.

Rachael: First, I do wanna say her name is Liz Koch. If people look that up and nervous system or Psoas, it's changed my life in a short amount of time. But as far as exercise, I was a professional dancer. I even breathed incorrectly. I would inhale and suck in, versus inhale and let my diaphragm expand. I'm working on that now and I haven't danced in 10 years. And so not just being a dancer, but I think being anyone between the age of 25 and 45 and beyond. Whatever we experienced in the nineties and early two thousands that was teaching us fitness and thinness.

And then we were rewarded when we hit those things. I can't think of the amount of times in my life that I was at my lowest mentally, physically, hormonally, and yet I was the thinnest for my body. And people would celebrate that or congratulate me. Or I would get to be on the poster for the photo shoot. It was rewarded. And that continued to perpetuate. I was gonna choose the option in which I get rewarded, because we all wanna be included. We all wanna be included.

Dr. Whitney: For me, I want to get the speaker deal. I want my husband to be like, "Oh, wow!" when I come to the bathroom. I want my parents to be like, "Oh, you look like you've lost some weight."

Rachael: I want everyone who talks like that, I wanna give them a hug. And I wanna ask them how they feel about themselves. And say it's okay that we were all taught what we were taught. I mean, these ideal beauty standards. I'm in a straight relationship with a straight white man. He came into our relationship so authentic and made me feel beautiful. And it's been the best thing ever. We've had such great conversations of what a man like him has been taught is supposed to be beautiful in a woman. That's been so amazing to hear from him.

We've all been conditioned to find certain things attractive in each other. But in reality, we don't actually find that. What we find attractive is the soul. I mean, now I'm getting into it. It's not about the body, it is the soul. We can say it all day. And until people can be in that kind of relationship that shows that to them or have that relationship between themselves and know that they are not their body. They're so much more than that. And yet, we live in this material world, where we are quite literally are our body. I work in grief a lot, too. So, I'm used to it, even myself included, in grief. I'm like, okay, my spirit understands I'm forever connected, but then my body's going through trauma. Let's hold both.

So somehow that gets back to the idea that we've then been conditioned and taught what beauty standards that our partners will find attractive. And all of that is BS that marketing companies have put out there, so that they make money. Nobody profits off of us being confident. Everybody profits right now off of us being insecure. They profit off of that. Something I did actually on social media was that I unfollowed every person that my old mindset was wanting myself to look like. Women's bodies, fitness trainers, whatever it was. I unfollowed them. Not because anything was wrong with them, but I was feeding my own eyes.

And I started paying really clear attention to women that I followed that I found beautiful, that had bodies that were very different from mine. And that I found their style beautiful. I found their energy beautiful. I found their vibe beautiful. And my whole feed is now that. I had never followed influencers before. I unfollowed a bunch of people I knew in the fitness world and I re-followed all these people that were living life. Of course it's social media, they're dealing with all their own stuff as well. But it just started to feed my eyes this idea of like, wait, wait, wait, Rachael, you actually find THAT beautiful. And it's about so much more than that. And that was just this little thing that I did that changed a lot for me.

And it would just reinstate on days I'd be hard on myself. Or back to your question, about working out as punishment. I was working out a lot to get rewarded or working out because I indulged or lived my life. Now I must work out to earn that. Like all of that. The minute that I would start to hear those thoughts (I'm not perfect in it. I still hear some of those thoughts. It's deeply conditioned in me) I would take a minute and really ask myself, what do I find beautiful? What do I find attractive? What do I find as a quality of life that makes me feel alive?

I would keep leaning towards that. That ultimately meant, I love spin and I love cardio and I love working out, but my body only loves it a couple times a month. It only likes it once a week, maybe. It's taken me a while to feel the call in my body. For mothers, hormones, breastfeeding, giving birth or figuring out your menstrual cycle, whatever that means. And I know that you can be a mother without a menstrual cycle, but all hormones come into play, no matter what human body you are in. And our world's based upon this patriarchal system of a male body. A body that doesn't have seasons and doesn't have cycles and doesn't create life through the uterus. The world is created and designed for that. And fitness is then created and designed for that saying, hey, look like this. Have these tiny little muscles. We're not supposed to have six packs. It's not in our anatomy. And yet we've been conditioned to think that. And it just blows my mind. I'm unlearning every day.

And I find that brings me love and joy and attractiveness or makes me feel gratitude for life. And then starts to feel like a gift and a life force energy. That's what working out should be. That's what breaking that sweat should be. You're taking care of your body so that you can lift your baby. I also teach for barre3 and I love the idea of functional fitness too. It's just my favorite.

Again, there's a lot of moms in that company or around me in that company and it's like lifting up your child, you know? Don't you wanna be able to bend over and do that? So yeah, let's train for that. And I'm always in the back like, “I'll pick up my cat. It'll be great.” And mad respect for people having babies. So fun. I think there's the functionality of fitness, the science behind fitness. Everybody being so unique that we could all do the same workout every day, eat the same thing and we're all gonna look different. We're just all gonna fit a pair of jeans differently. And if we have the same diet and same workout routine. So finding really what actually brings you joy.

I don't think working out should ever be a punishment.I can understand it being a drive for a quality of life that you really want to live. And that sometimes does have to come with that discipline and that drive and a little bit of pushing yourself. But I know you've mentioned to me something you liked about what I talked about in class, which is the idea of checking in with your capacity that day. And if you can check in, if you can get it, be it intuition or hands on your body or just sitting there for two seconds, really asking yourself if you want to do the workout. And then if you get a yes, go to that spin class, go to that Barry's class, lift those weights, do that thing when that yes is loud. But 70% of the time that yes is not that loud.

It's tired, it's hungry, it needs food, it needs water, it needs rest. We have to do that. And I think rest is sometimes more needed for our bodies, for our nervous systems. Something else I did to myself and I watch many, many, many hundreds of clients do this themselves as well is wanting to take cardio classes to lose weight. And they'll stack them on, do doubles of spin classes or whatever it is.

When our bodies are not in a nervous system state that's ‘rest and digest,’ when we're in fight or flight, and we're throwing in cardio in that, our body's like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.I need to stay safe. And now I'm freaking out." If we're restricting our diet as well, the body then will be like, "I need to stay safe. Let me keep these calories." It starts to hoard it all.

Again, I love cardio. I love that kind of movement. But when we're seeing people come in day after day after day, because they want to just lose weight, you're freaking out your nervous system a little bit more. And so actually more people, when they find more time to rest and add in a little bit of cardio for cardiovascular health, strength training for bone density and for muscle building, they will, if their goal was to lose weight, see that as a result because their body will start to feel safer. You'll be able to eat more, because your body will say, "Oh, now I know what to do with these calories. Cool. Gimme more!" And watch that happen.

And you know, I look at me for 10 years and the way that I thought I needed to lose weight and I was so sick and unhealthy. I look at celebrating people coming to my cardio classes seven days a week. And it's like, again, if I could go back and just hug everyone. And then those that also said to me, "You look thin, you look great. Did you lose weight?" And just be like, "No." Together we're gonna gain weight. We're gonna be happier and healthier and feel as good as we can. That's my dream.

Dr. Whitney: Oh my goodness. Okay. I feel like there's gonna be people crying right now just listening to this. I hope so. I feel like that is such gold right there, because I think most people operate in a way that's completely opposite to that. They think that if I am not getting the results I need, what I need to do is push harder. If I'm not getting it in the way I want, if I'm not losing the weight, if I'm not looking the way I want to, what I need to do is keep, again, punishing myself. Keep on thinking that there must be something wrong with me. As opposed to, if we honor ourselves, if we honor our bodies, if we honor the rest we need, being able to be more successful in the end.

And actually, I don't mean successful in terms of weight loss, although I think that is obviously true. But I think more successful in terms of being a more whole person, right? Being a person who's happier in your own body, who's more content with who you are. And again, like you, I am still a work in progress. I don't think any woman in the United States of America hardly anyone that I've met feels that way. And yet we can keep on doing the work of honoring ourselves.

Rachael, thank you so, so much for being on the podcast. It was amazing to have you. Tell people where they can find out more about you if they wanna work with you, if they wanna do stuff on the fitness realm or any other things. Tell them where you are.

Rachael: Well, right now I'm redoing almost everything in my life, which I'm really pumped about. With taking this break and eliminating those distractions, you're able to let the truth come through. And I was like, "Oh wow. There's a lot to change." But right now I'm just on Instagram at @RachaelBr00ke , it gets a little confusing 'cause it's Rachael A-E-L and then B-R-zero-zero-K-E for Brooke. So that's the main way. I do work with clients. I call it personal training, but it's way more than that. We get to do so many other things. And I do digital for Barre3. So I have a lot of cardio workouts on the Barre3 digital app, which I adore. And they're amazing cardio workouts to do when your body's calling you to do it.

And then, of course, Burn Cycle in person. And I teach all over at many different places. Sometimes retreats, sometimes hotels. And that can be fun too, to follow along. Thank you so much for having me. I really, really appreciate it and everything I'm talking about and teaching right now. I'm so excited for this new wave and generation for all of us. We all deserve to feel so beautiful and so good in our bodies and so happy and be holistically, as in like W-H-O-L-E, like whole and healthy in so many ways. It's gonna take a lot of unlearning and a lot of re-identifying our personal standards of health and beauty and success. And there's no better time, I think than the chaos of motherhood and child rearing and your body changing and the lack of control that can come with the most beautiful experience of birth. What an amazing time to also let your life evolve as well, and your opinions evolve as well. And just take in that power of, "I am mother." That's life force energy and I think we're gonna change the world with all that. And if we're doing it in fitness too, that's awesome.

Dr. Whitney: Awesome. All right you guys, we're gonna put all the links in the show notes. Thank you again, Rachael.

HOW TO GET RID OF BURNOUT WITHOUT STRESSING YOURSELF OUT WITH DR. MORGAN CUTLIP

Wed, 20 Sep 2023 21:02:54 GMT

Dr. Whitney: Hey everybody, it's Dr. Whitney. Welcome back to the Modern Mommy Doc Podcast. I am thrilled today to welcome Dr. Morgan Cutlip. She is the author of Love Your Kids Without Losing Yourself: Five Steps to Banish Guilt and Beat Burnout When You Already Have Too Much to Do . Man, could we all use this book? Welcome Dr. Cutlip. Thank you so much for being here.

Dr. Cutlip: Thank you for having me. I'm so happy to chat with you.

Dr. Whitney: Okay, so let's talk first about you r background, who you are, because there's lots of people that write books about burnout and about moms and about self-help, but it really matters to me about people's credentials and kind of what their background is. So talk to me about that.

Dr. Cutlip: Sure. I've been in this field for a very long time. I feel like I kind of grew up in the field of psychology and relationship education. So my dad has his doctorate in psychology, too, and went back to get his degree when I was in elementary school. I attended classes with him and as he grew his practice, he started to notice some trends, actually around partner selection. So that's where he began. So he created a course many, many years ago. We're 25, 30 years out now, where he created a course before people were creating courses. And I started traveling around with him, working the booths at conferences, talking about the content, eventually speaking with him, and being kind of immersed in the relationship education field and conferences around the country.

Dr. Cutlip: And I then went to school because I knew I needed my own credentials and to stand on my own two feet and have my own credibility and my own right. And so, in many ways, it feels like I've been in this field forever, but my niche has been a more recent development, within the last few years. And so for the last 15 years, my dad and I worked alongside each other, developing relationship-education content and really making sure it's practical. That's something that's really important to me. But many, many years ago, I think I was maybe a sophomore in college, I was riding to a conference in the car with my dad and I said, "Someday I wanna do something to serve women. You know, you're talking to singles and couples and all this stuff, but I wanna do something to help women." And, I wasn't sure what that looked like.

Fast forward many, many years, our daughter, Effie was born and she's now almost 10, which is absolutely wild. But when she was born, I really went into motherhood thinking I was gonna be amazing. Thinking I was going to crush it, and know exactly what I was gonna do when I was confronted with a tantrum or a difficult situation. I was like, I have degrees. How hard can this be? I have good parents. I'll be fine. And I don't even know if she was a difficult baby or if it just felt difficult to me at the time. But I regularly, and I mean every single day, felt like I was falling short. And part of it was that my expectations for myself were so far from my experience. I was smacked upside the head by that loss of freedom that I think a lot of us women experience after kids and was just like, what is this? Who am I? I thought I would be good at this. I feel like I suck. And it was overwhelming and difficult. And I felt so lost in it.

It was at that time that I knew, at some point this early motherhood haze is gonna clear a little bit for me. And, when it does, that's when I wanna find a way to help moms navigate this differently with more tools and to feel empowered through this process. And so that's what I've been doing the last five plus years or so is really working to help moms navigate motherhood and the relationships from an empowered stance.

Dr. Whitney: Wow. So I resonate so deeply with this idea of having all the credentials, being really experienced, talking to other people about these topics. Of course, it makes it better in some ways, because you have all the book knowledge about it. You have kind of the framework, but in some ways, I feel like it makes it worse in terms of the expectations that we put on ourselves. As a pediatrician, I felt so much worse when I wasn't able to handle my kids' tantrums, or when I wasn't able to handle colic, or when I didn't know how to get my baby to sleep. Because I was like, this is easy. I see other parents who do this all the time. And I've been telling other people what to do for such a long time that I should be the hero in this regard. I think you're right. The difference between your expectations and reality, that huge gap, is really what creates that feeling of shame and aloneness and disappointment.

Dr. Cutlip: That's exactly it. And yeah, and I think I agree with you. I feel like my expectations were so insanely inflated because of all of my credentials. It can show up even in my own marriage at times where I'm like I know the thing! Why are we here? You know? And so I think that for us that have these degrees and these experiences we are prone, I think, to feel a lot of shame around those moments we feel like we can't fix it or control it or it's just feeling hard.

Dr. Whitney: The other thing I think that comes into this is especially on the relationship stuff for you, I would assume, and for me, this is definitely true in what I do, is of course, I'm not in control of what my partner does. I'm me and I can do all the research and I can try all the things, and I can even be part of educating my partner about things or bringing him alongside me in this learning process, but you're still not that other person. You're not their feelings or emotions, their history. Did that also throw in a wrench in your plans to be this perfect partner, perfect parent?

Dr. Cutlip: I think I've ditched the perfectionism piece a long time ago. I think you kind of have to, so I don't actually feel a lot of that stuff anymore. But I do really resonate with this idea, which is something my husband and I have talked about in moments of frustration of just being like, I know what to do, but you are not cooperating. And I'm sure he feels the same way about me, sometimes in terms of, well, you're not doing the X, Y, or Z. But, I absolutely think that this perfectionism piece is something that shows up for a whole lot of parents during this process and in partnerships too. That can be really, really challenging.

Dr. Whitney: One of the major things that you talk about in your book and that you talked about even on Good Morning America (I mean, congratulations. That's awesome that you're on that stage) was this idea of mothering yourself like you mother your kids. And you said the shorthand version is go mother yourself. What does that mean? I love it, because it's kind of like, go F yourself or go do whatever. So what does that mean and why is that so important for moms?

Dr. Cutlip: Yeah. So it's "go mom yourself." And I actually wanted to title my book that, and it didn't poll well, but I was like, it's a call to action and it's what the main message of the book is. And the idea is that moms are the master managers of all of the people and all of the things. We take care of our relationships. We often manage our social schedules. We manage the emotional wellbeing and physical well being of our children and the research and even our partnerships. You know, research shows us that women are often the ones who are like, we need a date, we need to talk about this. All these things. And so we're really, really good at it. We just don't often turn the same skill sets toward ourselves.

And so in my book, I lay out a framework for how we manage our relationship with ourselves, because this is what we need to get good at. Self-care is not taking a walk and things are better permanently. That's usually a bandaid over deeper issues. But we really have to do the things that we do for our kids. For our generation of parenting, we're all about the cycle breaking. We're all about self-improvement and getting to the bottom of these things and really working to change stuff, but we're not always applying it to ourselves. So we're helping our kids with things like identifying and honoring their emotions. We're helping our kids have a positive self image of themselves, of learning how to assert their needs and boundaries. We have conversations about boundaries all the time. We teach our kids about body boundaries and emotional boundaries and we teach our kids about regulation. These are new conversations. My kids know the words dysregulated, did you know that as a kid?

Self-care is often around the physical, and I think we have to sort of expand the definition of self-care, but our physical bodies, as you know, are speaking to us. They are machines that have good intentions, and they're always sort of trying to correct to keep us in our best health. But a lot of times, we're struggling with deeper issues with our physical bodies that we, as women, are really good at ignoring. And so we teach our kids all of these things, but we need to do the same things for ourselves. And that's really how I think we reach this deeper place of feeling whole in motherhood, of feeling like we're actually really cared for.

Dr. Whitney: Yeah, absolutely. So in pediatrics, we talk about this idea of ACEs, Adverse Childhood Experiences and the antidote to that being resilience. So all the skills that you teach a kid. And the AAP, American Academy of Pediatrics, has gotten very, very into this idea of resilience and ACEs and combating it. And when they came to me to say, "Hey, can you write the Working Mom blueprint? Can you write a book that's for working moms about stuff that they should know about their kids?" I was like, yes! Except for the fact that we cannot talk about ACEs and resilience in kids until we talk about ACEs and resilience in moms. We can't talk about what are the fundamental things that moms need to do to really take care of their deep needs and emotions and core self. Because what I see in my office are so many well-intentioned moms, who I tell them, yes, we need to talk about boundaries for your kids. Or yes, we need to brush your kids' teeth, or we need to feed them healthy foods, and they want to do all of those things. But they are so overwhelmed and stretched so thin, that putting those pieces of anticipatory guidance, we call them in pediatrics, are almost impossible to do on a consistent basis for their kids because they aren't able to take care of themselves. It's so much more difficult for moms to actually employ those tactics when they haven't attuned to themselves, when they haven't taken care of their deep core needs. And so I love that you're trying to teach moms a stepwise plan for doing that.

Dr. Cutlip: Oh my gosh. It's kind of wild. I mean, we all sort of know this idea of modeling too. Our kids are just these sponges absorbing all the stuff we put out. But it is crazy because, we don't often model a good model of how we tend to our needs and care for ourselves. I'm imagining when you were talking and I was having this picture of telling your child to brush their teeth. It's like, well, brush your teeth together. Do things alongside each other. There's simple ways to check some of these boxes where you show your kids. From a young age, I remember saying to the kids, it's time for mom to get dressed. I feel so much better when I've put on a little makeup and I brushed my hair and I'm gonna do that. I'll be back in whatever, 20 minutes, 15 minutes, or something like that. We're really showing our kids that it's important for us to really make sure we are taking care of ourselves and asserting ourselves in really gracious ways.

Dr. Whitney: Absolutely. All right. So walk me through in broad strokes what the five steps are.

Dr. Cutlip: Yeah. So I give a model of relationships. I wanna say that first. So these five steps are built around a model of relationships, and it's a picture of a relationship. This is called the Relationship Attachment Model. It was developed by my dad in the late eighties, early nineties. And it's the core for all of our relationship courses. So we have, of course, for singles, couples, fathers, families. And it's really the foundational piece to all of them, because we have this belief our relationships require regular management. All of them do, including our relationship with themselves. And so I'm saying all this to say, it's been researched, not by just us, but by other universities. It's been in textbooks and peer reviewed journals and all of those things, because I think that's important that it's not just an idea I scribbled on a napkin and then I'm putting it in a book.

I'm giving moms a picture of relationships. So when I say to moms, you gotta mother yourself like you mother your kids, or you gotta go mom yourself, or you have to manage your relationship with yourself, the question is, what are you managing? Like, what does that even mean? And so I give moms a picture of a relationship, so they know exactly what they're managing, because I'm encouraging moms to do these self check-ins regularly throughout their day. And when they have this picture in their head of what this model is, they can quickly run through the five areas, in no time at all. The amount of time it takes to go pee, the amount of time it takes to make a PB and J.

So, then the five steps walk through these five areas. So the first is know deeply. The way the book's structured, I go really deep into a concept, and then I come out and give you practical things. So it's like, if you need to do a deep dive here, this is what you need to get into. And then here is the stuff that's in the moment that you can do. And so know deeply, the premise is essentially if you don't know yourself deeply, you can't meet your needs. Just like, if we don't know our children deeply, we don't love them in the ways that they need. And it's the same concept. And I find over and over with moms that we start to feel like we don't recognize ourselves when we're moms anymore. It's like, oh, I thought it would be really fun. I'm not fun. I'm kind of grumpy. I don't even know who this woman is anymore.

And so this chapter is really about discovering and getting to the core of some of the important things about ourselves that we need to understand and know. And then how do we become more in alignment with the moms that we want to be, so that we feel good in motherhood. And what do we do in those moments where we're like, whoa, I'm really distant from this. And so I help moms also dig into some things that I think are important: what brings you meaning, what's important to you, and when do you feel most aligned with the person you imagine yourself to be, and the mom you imagined yourself to be? So I walk moms through specifically how to do this.

Dr. Whitney: Let me ask you a question about that, because I love Eve Rodsky as a person, and I like fair play and all of that. But her second book, Unicorn Space was about kind of this same thing, in some ways a similar idea, right? Can you differentiate for me, because I think there is a real difference. The difference between kind of knowing yourself and your needs and the things that light you up versus having a unicorn space or a thing that you spend time on, or like a hobby. Can you differentiate those two? Because I think it's a little different, right? Like, I like to travel, so that's something that lights me up. But in reality, sometimes I don't have the budget for that, but there's other things I feel like you can do every single day. And sometimes it's just about the way you talk to yourself or the way you spend your time in the course of a day.

Dr. Cutlip: Yeah. I would say that what I'm describing is almost like an umbrella. It's a bigger picture. And then something like a unicorn space, a hobby, something that brings you up is one area or drop down box underneath the umbrella. I would say even something that we can struggle with a lot in motherhood is that maybe we're not living in accordance with something we really value. And so this is when we can feel like we don't know ourselves where it's like, I value this, but I have none of that in my life. Or I value this and I am not acting at all congruent with that value. And I think that these are also ways that we know ourselves and can feel aligned as mothers and as women and people. And so it's more than a hobby and it's more than carving out that special time doing something that fulfills us. It's actually feeling like we're good with who we are.

Dr. Whitney: I think that's a really important differentiation, because there's nothing wrong with a unicorn space. There's nothing wrong with a hobby. That's so amazing. And also it's part of a larger picture whole. It's a piece of the whole, it's not the whole thing.

Dr. Cutlip: The next one is trust accurately. In this chapter, I talk a lot about mom guilt. I talk about our self-concept, which I think is a really important part of motherhood. And it's one of the most powerful interventions we can do in the moment without requiring any time or space away from our kids, which shifts the way we're constructing our self-concept. I think a lot of us get in this sort of shame spiral where we're kind of worn thin and worn out, and so we snap at our kids, or we lose it completely on our kids. And then we're like, oh my gosh, I am the worst mom. I'm terrible. I can't believe I've now traumatized my children. And so then we layer on more shame and more guilt, and then that makes us less likely to be able to keep it together later on. So we're more likely to snap, but we just kind of get stuck. We get stuck. And then when we think about how we see ourselves, we see ourselves as this nasty, grumpy, a lot of times frumpy person, which is the most negative picture of ourselves in our minds. And so, in this chapter, I explain that concept. I haven't really shared much about this, but in the book, every concept is first applied to a story with my kids. So it's applied to how it shows up in our relationship with our kids, and then I apply it to our relationship with ourselves. I think it's just easier to grasp stuff.

Dr. Whitney: I think so too.

Dr. Cutlip: We're so good at thinking about our kids first. And so it talks about how to shift this, how to change this and it's really, really powerful. The third is rely boldly. So this chapter is all about defining our needs, asserting our needs, getting good at expressing them. One of the most common things I hear from moms is, I don't even know what I need anymore. I get a moment alone and I'm like, I spend the whole time trying to figure out what's gonna fill me up. By the time I figure it out or whatever, the kids are already back. Yeah. So, this chapter is really all about needs.

Dr. Whitney: Yeah. And I find that that is harder, actually. I think that's part of what makes summer so difficult for parents. It's because in the school year, if your kids are old enough to be in elementary school or they're going to preschool or whatever, you have a little bit more time. You maybe have those six hours. So even if it took you like an hour to figure it out, eventually you might come to it and be able to use your time in a way that feels restful or feels fulfilling to you. But in the summer, sometimes your moment that you have is 15 minutes. And so I think that's a part of why parents feel so at their edge by the end of summer.

Dr. Cutlip: This summer, I had the busiest summer of my life and I was like, I'm gonna work only two days a week because I wanna be with my kids. So almost every day this summer I've gotten up when I'm with the kids, except the two days that I'm not, and I've thought about the context of their life. What's going on with Roy? So my kids are Roy and Effy. Roy is seven, Effie's 10. What's going on with Roy and Effie? Okay. Roy's been wanting to go to a baseball field and play some baseball. I've been spending more time with Effie. I need to give him a little bit of attention. Effie, she's 10, she's going through some stuff and she's been a bit more aggressive lately. I need to take her somewhere. She can work out some big energy. I'm saying all this to say, almost every day this summer, I have done a needs assessment on my children and structured our day around what they need. This is what we also need to do for ourselves. There was one day where we're going to the beach. We're spending the whole day with friends. They really needed some time with their community. And I was like, if I spend the whole day about them and then I reach the end of the day, and then they complain at me, I'm gonna be like, I gave you my whole day!

So it's like, okay, if I'm gonna give the whole day to them, I need 40 minutes this morning to do something for me. And so it's about this ebb and flow of who gets priority and whose needs are being met. But this needs assessment is something we so naturally do for our children that we need to get good at for ourselves.

Dr. Whitney: Yeah. 100%. And here's something that I might challenge listeners on. A lot of times I talk about spending a little bit of time in the morning just by yourself. I'm not actually like that into the idea that the morning routine has to be like X, Y, Z, but I do believe in having just a moment to reset and be quiet and not look at your phone and just set your intention for the day. And sometimes when I talk to people about that and I mention the word journal or morning page, people are like, I can't journal. So just be comforted. The idea of journaling could be something like this, could be something like a very pointed structured needs assessment where you're actually spending time thinking about maybe your kids' needs, but also your needs during the day. So taking that moment doesn't have to be like roses and violets and soft music and Kumbaya in the morning. It could be something that feels a little bit more businessy to you.

Dr. Cutlip: Oh, I'm all about it. I'm all about the business. I say it even in our romantic relationships: Put a meeting on the calendar, do the check-in. Who cares? Relationships are serious business. It's fine. The conversation around mom burnout and self-care and all this stuff has been so needed and so important. And I'm in the conversation. And then I think also we've sort of suggested certain things so many times that moms have kind of numbed out to the suggestion. And I think journaling is one of them. The reality is that journaling is really helpful. So is meditation. So is different types of deep breathing. It's kind of a shame with this conversation that we have done that, but these things do work. And so if you implement them in your lives, you're gonna be one of those people who's like, I know it's cliche, but it's changed my life.

Dr. Whitney: Totally. Yes. And you might need it to be in a more structured way for it to change your life. As I would say, most women do who have a penchant for anxiety or for over-functioning. If that's your gateway drug into doing this, is to have it be more structured, by all means, have it be a structured led meditation by somebody else, a guided meditation, have it be a structured needs assessment. That's okay.

Dr. Cutlip: Okay. I'll say one more thing on this one. I say this to couples, but I'll say it to moms. When we're learning new skills, it's usually really mechanical all business in the beginning because it's new and it's foreign and it doesn't come naturally. And so it's okay. If you think about a sport, you don't become an amazing free throw shooter just by stepping up to the line and taking a shot. No, you'll stand there probably for hours and 50, a hundred, 200 free throws over and over and over. It's the same thing in our relationships. Things will be kind of mechanical at first until they become integrated into how we just function in our lives. And it's okay to be that way at first.

Dr. Whitney: Yes. Amen. What's step four?

Dr. Cutlip: Step four is commit wisely. So this chapter is all about how we prioritize. I also talk about willpower. I shove a lot in this chapter. So one of the takeaways is we have to learn how to prioritize in a way that we feel at peace with. I talk about how we're regularly gonna have competing priorities. It's almost every minute of the day we have competing priorities. Right now, I'm prioritizing sitting here talking to you, and therefore I'm not with my children. This is one of the realities that we sort of need to come to terms with, which is that sometimes there's pain in prioritizing, but you can't prioritize one thing without deprioritizing another. And I think as moms, a lot of times we function as if we can prioritize it all at the same time. It's killing us and it wears us out. And so that chapter's big on that, also on the idea of willpower and some of the research around how it gets used up and things that deplete it.

Dr. Whitney: Okay. So I have a story for this that I think will help people. People know from the podcast that we created a situation with our caregiver, my kid's nanny lives with us. She lives in the basement with her daughter, and then we live in the top two stories. And we do a trade and it works out well. So that way we both have what we need. I'm off to the office and traveling a lot. She's here.

But one thing that we differed on that I did not realize before we moved in together, and she knows this is, is about the way we both clean up. She is very much about everything kind of happening relatively immediately in terms of cleanup. So the dishes are in the sink. They go immediately into the dishwasher. If something is out, she buys it right then on Amazon, like the paper towels or whatever.

My style is that when I wake up in the morning, my priority is my work and my kids. I want things to be neat and tidy, so I'm not stimulated from a visual perspective. Otherwise, I'll leave all that stuff until a little bit later once I finish off with my more important priorities and then get to that stuff as fast as I can all in one chunk. It's the way that I help my brain. I batch it all.

And so we came into some serious conflict, as I was trying to think about stuff for Modern Mommy Doc, thinking about stuff for my book, thinking about stuff for my kids. All day long, she'd be like, oh, by the way, we need more of this. Oh, by the way, can you do this? Oh, by the way, there's a load of laundry.

So I think part of your first couple chapters about figuring out what your needs are, knowing yourself really deeply and having an acceptance about your needs will facilitate this more fully. Because what I had to do is stop and be like, "Yo, your need is to have all this stuff happen quickly. My need is this. So what's the way that we can come together so that your need is met and my need is met? Would you like to make a list? And we could have it visually on the refrigerator, so we can both see it, but I can attend to it when it works well for me?" And that happens with our partners too.

Dr. Cutlip: I was gonna say, that's a common thing in a partnership.

Dr. Whitney: So I think knowing yourself fully, though, is what gives you the voice to be assertive, instead of building resentment around it.

Dr. Cutlip: You get it! You're getting it. I'll disclose that one of my insecurities is that I'm not a presenter of information that's like, this is what you do, period. I'm very much a big picture. I'm an integrator. And so sometimes I think my answer is not sexy enough for this. But also, I just don't think that that's always helpful. I'm not prescriptive. I'm kind of like, this is your framework. But you're exactly right that the model is integrative. Everything builds on each other. And it starts to kind of be iterative. So you go back through it. And so you're exactly right. As you know yourself more deeply, you can meet your needs better and more effectively and efficiently and express them better. So you're exactly right. It all works together.

Dr. Whitney: I think you're absolutely right. It becomes more iterative. Then go, oh, that connects to this. And I agree with you. I think actually what we've gotten ourselves into, with social media especially, is this idea that there's five or 10 specific things you can do that are right or wrong, every single time, that make the same result. I hate to say five because I know there's five steps in your thing, and I love your five steps, but it's true. A I do that too on podcasts. It's just the way of the world, where you're like, three things you can do to make sure your kid succeeds in school. You know what I mean? And the reality is that life doesn't actually work that way. I mean, it's about frameworks and principles and priorities and values, but it's not necessarily about, you do thing A and that always leads to thing B, because there's sometimes all this background noise in between A and B that makes that difficult.

Dr. Cutlip: I mean it's something that I find really challenging about social media. It can be harmful when we're not really being thoughtful about how we consume information. We have to remember that the person presenting it doesn't know the context of our life. And not everything applies. I think back to when Effie was little. She had some pretty, epic tantrums. I'm a highly sensitive person. I think my kids both are. How do I get two of you? They're amazing, but it was really hard when they were little. And I remember consuming all the information around "name it to tame it" and, I mean, honestly, I'd named it and it would inflame it. It would get way worse. And I remember feeling like either something's wrong with me, or my child, or the both of us. I'm not doing it right. And so I think that we have to be careful about that stuff. That's my non-sexy answer. I'm the framework gal.

Dr. Whitney: I like it. I like it. And then there's a final step. What's your final step?

Dr. Cutlip: Yeah, it's touch purposefully. And so this one is about our physical self. It's kind of the one part in the book that, if I get anywhere close to traditional self-care, it's here. But in this chapter I talk about lots of different things. I talk about body image a little bit. I talk about stress, because stress is such a key piece to our health. I talk about our physical health. But the main takeaway is that we have to listen to our bodies and respond appropriately. I think, and you could probably speak to this better than I could, about how long I ignored my back ache that actually turned out to be leaky gut and intestinal things. I just can't imagine our daughter coming to me and saying, my back hurts, and me telling her we can get to it in two years. You know? We don't do that for anyone else in our family. For our partners, they're like, I have this weird flutter in my heart. We'd be like, go to the doctor, but we're so bad at doing this for ourselves. And so that's also a piece of this chapter, is our physical health. A little bit about sex too.

Dr. Whitney: I think that's the other piece that goes along with the meditating, journaling, all those things. We've heard almost too many times like, yeah, you need sleep. Yeah. You need to eat well. Yeah. You need to move your body. Yeah, sex that makes you feel really good about your body and about your partnership, that's great. And then we're like, Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh. But the reality is, it's so true. Actually, the science behind cortisol levels and weight gain for women. It's incredible. It's mind blowing.

If I was to postulate, I think one of the reasons that people can't take that in is because they're already so stressed and overwhelmed, they're like, well that's nice for other people, but my life is so stressed and overwhelmed. And so there's a bit of a chicken and the egg situation, I think, that happens for people, which is why books like yours are so important. And actually why I am glad you put those basics at the end, because I think for some people, maybe the starting point for them is those deep emotional pieces. Then that's their chicken and then they can get to the egg over here and then it comes back to the chicken. You know what I mean?

Of course, there's some people on their fitness journeys and financial wellness journeys and that's a thing that sparks this whole revolution for them in their life. But my experience with moms in the clinic and with their kids, is that sometimes it's those deeper psychological aha moments that make it like, oh, I could change my whole life.

Dr. Cutlip: I agree. I think that there's a lot of times these hang ups that we struggle with that we have to break through in order to even get to the physical stuff. Yeah. I think another piece is that sometimes I don't think we believe it will move the needle. So we're like, okay, I'll go to bed an hour earlier and miss out on my TV time, but what difference is that gonna make? And it's like, well, kind of a lot. It's actually probably a big difference. And so I hope what my book provides are at least options for entry points to start making change.

And so, if you don't wanna start there, maybe start with the emotional stuff. But as you have some of these aha moments, these little wins that are manageable wins, you'll start to build some momentum to bring in some of the other practical tips that I share in the book too, or that are just available to us with all of the content creators that put out such amazing information. We do need those immediate little wins to start to feel like, okay, this is worth actually doing.

Dr. Whitney: Yeah. Okay. I have loved, loved, loved talking with you. You guys also, we didn't get to this, but check out Dr. Morgan Cutlips Instagram as well, because I was telling her before we started recording, there's some people that I kind of follow passively. And she is a person that I am like, yes. Oh my gosh. Aha moment. So amazing. So thank you. She's so great. Why don't she tell people where to find you, where to find the book. Say the name of the book again, so people can find it readily.

Dr. Cutlip: So the book is L ove Your Kids Without Losing Yourself: Five Steps to Banish Guilt and Beat Burnout When You Already Have Too Much to Do . And you can find it anywhere you buy books online. So that's where you can do that. You can learn everything you need to know about me from my website , any other courses or information. And then my Instagram , which is Dr. Morgan Cutlip too.

HOT GIRL SUMMER? MORE LIKE WORKING MOM GUILT SUMMER

Thu, 14 Sep 2023 13:30:00 GMT

We’re mid-September now, with kids back in school for a few weeks. Probably at that point where our Pinterest perfect lunches might have morphed into sending those multi-colored Goldfish in order to get our kids to “eat the rainbow.” That counts, right?

Every year I feel the same cycle. By the time May rolls around, I am SO ready to be done with early mornings rushing out the door, with reading logs, and last minute projects where we have to find 15-20 pictures of our family by tomorrow (cool, I’ll just go ahead and go buy ink AND paper for my printer that hasn’t seen any action in the last 18 months. $165 later, we’re in business.)

I can’t wait to have slower days and more times with my kids.

And then I remember that I’m a working mom and have a job to do. And that my kids aren’t going to be cool with my Summer Reading Plan that I printed out (now that I have a working printer) as a means for summer fun. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE my girls. But I’m never more grateful for teachers than I am 2 weeks into summer break.

I look at all the insta-moms that have their videos of just gentle parenting their way through life and I feel guilty for not holding every moment as precious time. And then I’m reminded that we won’t have this time forever. So then I wallow in MEGA guilt, which means I’m less productive at work, because I’m trying to be Fun Mom whenever I’m home. Which leads to more guilt because I think I should be doing more work.

And then the cycle continues every summer until I die or my girls go to college.

Is this how summer is supposed to feel? Is this how our moms felt each year? Like they were so glad for it to come while simultaneously dreading it?

Maybe, but I think it had to be different than what we’re feeling right now. I heard something the other day about parenting and giving your kids grace: you were never their age in this age. So we can’t know exactly how they’re feeling. I think the same can be said for parenting. We’ve gotta give ourselves grace for not parenting like our parents (the good and the bad) because they never parented in our same situation.

Here’s what I’m taking away from this past summer, what I’m bringing with me into next, and what I’m leaving behind.

Leaving Behind: Guilt about screen time

Should you just let your kids’ entire summer be a free-for-all when it comes to screens? Probably not. Will the 10 weeks of summer with cough::much::cough looser rules about screen time kill them? Take it from a pediatrician: No, no it will not.

For years, I felt guilty knowing that while I worked, they were watching a show or a movie (or two!) And I definitely sprinkle in times where there’s no screens. But kids need time to zone out, just like we do. They need to have a safe space where they don’t have expectations put on them to always be DOING something.

Plus, there’s definitely a difference between watching hours of Netflix (which I actually secretly love) and watching a Youtube video that teaches them to draw their favorite character. Or a nature show on Disney.

Oh, you just learned that a platypus is a mammal that lays eggs? DEAL. I’ll take that all day long.

Leaving Behind: Feeling the need to entertain my kids 24/7

Fun Mom can trap us all. Sure, let’s go to the zoo and then lunch and then grab ice cream at that little boutique place. And then we can go to the trampoline park and grab pizza on the way home. FUN MOM. Except that you’ve just spent $250 and your entire budget for entertainment is dooooone for the month. Oh, and Fun Mom has left the building and been replaced by Whined At All Day When She’s Trying To Make Memories With Her Kids, Overstimulated From All The Noise Mom.

And don’t get me started on summer camps. First of all, they’re a bajillion dollars. Per day. Per kid. Plus you’re still packing lunches, trying to get them out the door on time, and have to pick them up in the most inconvenient times and places. Which is what you were looking forward to being done with over the summer.

AAAAAND you have to sign up and know your entire summer itinerary by February 17th. Or you're stuck sending your kid to geologist camp (which sounds pretty great, by the way) when they really wanted to go to theater camp.

I’m over it.

One. That’s how many camps I will let my girls choose each summer. I refuse to go into debt for my kids' entertainment. And it’s not worth it if they’re going to be burnt out messes by the end of the week–and me too.

They can be bored over the summer for a little bit. That’s okay. That’s actually a great thing.

Taking With Me: More grace for myself and all the other moms out there

I’m not saying we just throw in the towel and accept the fate of feral children for 10 weeks. But I’m not allowing myself to feel like crap for being a working mom. Do dads feel guilty when they have to go to work? Not that I’ve heard. Do they feel guilty running through the drive-thru because they didn’t have time to go grocery shopping? Hard no.

Everyone feels the guilt of summer not being a magical experience with your kids. And guess what, even if you had the time and money to make that kind of thing happen every moment of the summer, your kids would eventually revolt and be over it.

I had friends who took their kids to Europe this summer for an INCREDIBLE trip, jam packed with so much history and culture. By the time they got to the Sistine Chapel, the kids were like, “Cool. A painting. Just like the other 973 that we saw today.” And were done in 4 minutes. Mom and dad ended up watching a documentary about it back at the hotel room, 10 minutes down the road from the actual thing itself.

Kids are gonna kid and life is gonna life.

All we can do is give ourselves some mindful self-compassion knowing we’re doing our best with what we’ve got in that moment.

Want more? Tired of feeling like you have to do it all to be a good mom? Guess what? You don't! Check out my newest book release here .

HOW TO CREATE A WORKPLACE CULTURE THAT SUPPORTS PARENTS

Wed, 13 Sep 2023 23:37:34 GMT

Dr. Whitney: Hello everyone. Welcome back to the Modern Mommy Doc Podcast. We're so glad to have you with us today. We are talking with Sandy Abdallah. She is the CEO at MAM USA, and I'm so happy to have her here. We're gonna talk all about creating a culture that is positive for families. We're gonna talk about MAM and what they offer, how they support moms, how they promote breastfeeding, and how they promote healthy connections between families and their babies. So welcome to the show, Sandy.

Sandy: Thank you Whitney. Excited to be here.

Dr. Whitney: Okay. So tell us first a little bit about who you are, about what your background is, why you chose to be in your role at MAM, and who MAM is.

Sandy: So I have been in consumer goods over 20 plus years. I was at L'Oreal for 15 years and spent a good portion in a host of different roles there. And then I left L'Oreal to go run three acquisitions and merge them into one, where Global Brands Group became centric. Spent about two and a half years there and got a call in regard to MAM. And it always happens when you're not looking. And I just had such a deep connection with everyone I met with. It was the most organic process, meeting wise and I believe in this brand. And I think that's really what's important to me. Anything that you're representing, you authentically have to connect with it. So it was an easy decision and here I am. It's been about two and a half years. Time flies when you're having fun. So I run North America and have a team here in New York and a team spread in different parts of the country, depending on where the retailers are.

Dr. Whitney: Awesome. And tell us, for those who aren't familiar with the brand itself, with MAM, tell us what you provide. I know, but I want people to hear about it.

Sandy: Yes. So MAM has been around for 46 years. It is an Austrian brand, still family owned and operated, which is so important with this type of product, because every single thing we do, we do it to perfection. And we're very specific. We're not a company who launches every year. So our core pillars are soothers, pacifiers. We have five different franchises, but we are the number one brand here. Globally as well. We've got baby bottles. Our key baby bottle is our Easy Start Anti-colic, which is so spectacular. And then we also have breast pumps. We also have oral care, teethers, et cetera.

Dr. Whitney: When I was looking through your catalog of products that you offer, I was the most excited actually about the teethers and like the little toothbrushes, because when I would go to take my kids when they were babies to the dentist, I would ask them, is there some magic product that you can tell me about that will help my baby actually let me get in their mouth? Because parents come to me all the time and say, I have such a hard time actually brushing their teeth. And so I love that you guys have some unique products that are actually aimed at trying to get in there.

Sandy: You know, Whitney, thank you for that. Just from a personal standpoint, I remember not even taking my kids to the dentist until they were two because I just didn't know. And I think, as moms, these are things that you just think like, oh, they don't have teeth, or they don't have a full mouth. They don't need to go. You're actually supposed to start taking care at birth, because of the milk and wiping it down. And so I have to tell you, this is a huge priority for us in 2023/2024, because it's my obligation as a parent and as this brand to do a better job educating parents about this. Like you said, you didn't know and you're a doctor. You didn't even know. So think about all us regular moms out there. And our product is amazing because it really teaches the child how to do it, how parents can help. And it's a collaborative effort until they're ready to do it on their own. So we have different stages as they grow.

Dr. Whitney: Well, and that's important too, because I definitely did not clean my kids' gums right from the very beginning. I mean, just being honest. I knew the policy, but again, it was too hard. I was doing all the other things. If I'd had something that would've made it easier, that would've helped me and my child. Because what actually happened is I went to my own pediatrician, who is a partner in my office and said, hey, my 18 month old, I'm basically having to get her in a Full Nelson hold and get in there. And she's really traumatized every single time. And I said, do you have any tips or tricks? And she's like, no, that's what you have to do. And my philosophy has always been that I wanna do the preventative care. I wanna help kids, but I want it to be so that you're not making it so that something that's so good for them becomes a terrible chore. And that they hate it.

Sandy: And that's fundamentally what we believe. If you start this off as an early habit, it's just natural. I will confess, I didn't do it with my first one, to be honest. He had two cavities at the age of four. Because I didn't know. And I probably took him to the dentist. Now my daughter is constantly flossing, she's doing it. So it's our obligation to educate and to help parents and to make it a fun experience.

Dr. Whitney: And what I saw on your website was that, of course, you have your products, but that you also have a lot of educational resources for parents. So to that end of trying to make it so that you're actually meeting families where they are, and of course promoting the things that you're selling. But it looks to me like you're really focused as a company on making sure people actually know the information that they need to know to be successful.

Sandy: Thank you for bringing it up. I can tell you, this is what's so special about working for a family-run global business. It isn't just about selling products. It is a family's belief to really help parents. Parenting is hard. So we want to help provide information wherever you are in the journey of a parent. Whether you're celebrating milestones or whether you're even considering having children. And that's really important to us as a brand. It's not just about products. It's about being a resource hub and helping just answer some questions.

Dr. Whitney: Absolutely. I wanna ask you about a picture I saw of you. You were on another podcast and the title of the podcast episode was "CEO Sandy Abdullah leads MAM to be a family first company. So it sounds like in terms of your consumer facing efforts, of course that's family first to think about resources. But how are you making it a family first company for your employees, for everyone who works for you? Talk to me about that.

Sandy: So one of the reasons that I struggled in different roles was because I had to separate my identity. I had to be the strong-willed woman who was showing up, who didn't have any personal interests, hobbies, outside of work. And I struggled with it. I struggled, personally, when I was married. And for me, as I moved up the corporate ladder, one thing that I realized is we have to allow people to bring their authentic selves to work. And whether that's an athlete, whether that's a parent, because you get the most out of your team when they can be who they are. It's okay.

My daughter comes on half my Zoom calls. We're constantly like, oh, I just got a call from the school. My founder, who is in Vienna, my COO literally arranges their calendars based on when I have to drop my kids off at school. And for me it creates a commitment. It creates an opportunity for people to feel more invested. You're not good at work unless you're good at home. I fundamentally believe that. Because then when you're at work, you're not thinking about it. You're thinking about all the other things. So if I can just allow people the freedom and the flexibility and the ability to be like, guess what? My kid's sick. It's okay. It's okay, because things come up.

I can tell you that in my prior lives in different organizations, I really struggled with this. And so many parents struggled with this. And I saw a woman leaving the workforce because of it. And it fundamentally bothered me. And it's one of the reasons that I took this job, because it was something I talked a lot about in the interview process. And it's something two and a half years in, that I'm really happy and proud of to have created this environment and this ability to be flexible.

Dr. Whitney: So tell me about the components that you've put into place or about the culture you've created. What are some of the more specific things that you do to support caregivers? It sounds like flexibility and that common understanding that, hey, if there's an emergency, we get it. You might have to reschedule a meeting, that type of thing. Is there anything beyond that that you feel you're really proud of that you guys have done?

Sandy: So I would tell you this. I think that we tend to use this term "work-life balance." I don't believe in balance. because that means it's 50/50. We can all agree to that. It goes in ebbs and flows. There's times when we're preparing for board meetings, there's times where we have a retailer presentation where we're all in. And then there's times where it's a little bit slower. My motto is, I don't care if you're sitting on the beach. I don't care if you're at the daycare. Just get it done. Get it done.

So we have incorporated flexibility not only in the days that you can be there, but in the times and the hours and allowing people to say, you know, I gotta drop my kids off. I can't start meetings till 10, or I don't wanna deal with the rush hour. So three o'clock is my time where I have to leave. And it's all flexible. I believe in providing a framework. And then there's flexibility within the framework. So the hours are one.

Another thing that we do is a No Meeting Zone Friday, so that you have time to go to the dentist. You have time to take your kids to things. So that day you don't have to worry about getting bombarded with meetings. You can just put your head down, do that type of work, or you can schedule all those things that sometimes you can't.

Dr. Whitney: To me, it's about trust. It's about hiring people and instilling in people who know that I care that the work gets finished. I trust that you will find the way to get it done, in a way that works for you. And if you can't, then, of course, maybe you're not the right fit for the organization. If you can't actually get the work done. We're not talking about a free for all where you just get to do whatever the heck you wanna do and perform. But that we can trust that women, who are amazing at juggling a lot of things and who can actually do it really well if they're given agency to do it in a way that works for them.

Sandy: You know, I love that you used the word trust, because that's one of my trigger words. It's a trigger word, because there's so much depth to it and has so much meaning. And you have to trust until you give me a reason not to trust. So I think that's precisely it. Someone once asked me, how do you recruit? What's important to join the MAM company? I will tell you our number one priority is culture. We can teach anyone anything, we will help you. But if you can't embrace this culture and won't be a fit within this environment, then it's just not gonna work.

And so it's interesting, because whether we're interviewing someone for a finance role or something else, we have every single function meet with them, because you have to be able to work collaboratively. We wanna make sure that the integration would be there, that connection. So for us, that's the number one thing we look for. Is this the right cultural fit?

Dr. Whitney: What advice would you give to women who aren't in such a supportive culture like yours? Maybe they have a supportive manager or they are a manager in their job, but it's not coming from the top. The CEO is not having all of these discussions, you know? I'm thinking about a lot of the banks that told people like kind of mid pandemic or end of the pandemic they had to get back to the office or else.

Do you have any advice for those women who are trying to climb the corporate ladder? They care about their careers, but they also are starting to realize that wellness matters and they will actually be able to perform better if they're taking better care of themselves.

Sandy: Yeah. You know, it's interesting because this was a big topic when I was at L'Oreal and I worked on some transformation there. One of the big learnings was, we have to set our own boundaries and we have to trust them. If a company says, you have to return five days a week, and you know you just cannot do it, you have to be willing to say, this is what I can do and this is how I'm gonna offset it. And you have to trust me. At the end of the day, we all just want results. If you can deliver the results and prove it out, done deal. And maybe you just ask for it as a test for a period of time and you align. But for me, I've heard of so many women in particular, men too, who are afraid to speak up. And in fact, it's quite the opposite. We want our teams to speak up, because what we pay you to do is to have an opinion. So have an opinion about yourself, trust in yourself, and trust what you're bringing to the table. Right. I know we all say everyone's replaceable, but it's a lot harder finding someone new than it is investing in the great resource you have.

Dr. Whitney: You know, I've been doing some research for a presentation we're doing for a group of physicians. And it's about provider burnout. It's about providers who are women and what happened to them during the pandemic. And we have so many more women who are physicians that are leaving the workforce en masse in the pediatric space, in OB/GYN, and in family medicine. And it's interesting, because those aren't actually the ones that in the pandemic, you would think would've been affected the most. In my mind, you would think it'd be emergency room doctors. Intensive care unit doctors. All these people that were watching people literally die in front of them.

And this article that I was reading in Forbes, as I was doing research, was talking about this idea of more women being in those fields. In OB/GYN and pediatrics and family medicine. And then it was looking at women who are working in that intense space where they're having to really be in charge of families’ expectations and take on a lot of the emotional burden, especially during the pandemic where it was heightened. But then having that second shift at home, where they went home and were responsible for all the work when they were there. That just became so maddening to so many physicians, female physicians in particular, who are highly skilled, highly trained, put in all the time for the education, paid all the money for the student loans, just like their male counterparts, you know? And it came to light even more, and was even more of an aha moment, that they were getting duped. In your organization, or for you personally, how have you managed that cultural expectation of the double shift, either for your employees or for yourself?

Sandy: You say double shift. I say that it's actually four to five shifts a day. This morning, I'll give you a perfect example. Woke up at five 30 and I'm working with a global company so in Europe the emails are going. Seven o'clock, the kids wake up. My husband has already left for work, because he had an early meeting, so I had to get two kids ready for school. This is shift two, getting two kids ready for school. Lunches packed. By the way, they go to two different schools, so I get them to two different schools. Then come home, get myself ready for a work day. And then at four o'clock, I'm on shift number three where they're home prepping for dinner, doing whatever and then they go to bed and I'm on shift four, which is back at work.

So I allotted four shifts. This week was the first week that we were back at the office, because we had moved offices. Monday, I went in and I came home after being there a full day. I'm being fully transparent with you. I was wiped. And then I had my two children. One is five and and one is seven. But the five year old said, mommy, I haven't seen you all day. Can you play with me? I want to be present, right? And I'm like, I just need five minutes to transition. I need five minutes or 10 minutes. I just need a transitional point. So to be honest, it's something that I personally have to work through, because we've been remote for so long that this transition was easier.

But now, physically being in an office, coming home and having to be fully on after your day is hard. And sitting in my chair, everyone wants to talk to you. You're going to the bathroom, someone's chasing after you, which is okay. I always say that it's a privilege, but it's this transition. And honestly, I'm a work in progress on it. I'm figuring it out. I'm figuring it out. I had it down with the four shifts when it was fully remote. But I have to figure out this formula for me. One of the thoughts that I had was that maybe I just need to leave a half an hour earlier and walk home and use that time to just decompress. That was kind of the thought that I had. And so I'm gonna try that and see if I'm any better.

Dr. Whitney: I love that. Well, first of all, thank you for your honesty, because I think there's a lot of female leaders who would feel the need to shine it up and seem like, I also have that all dialed in, you know? And I think that it's a work in progress. For all of us at Modern Mommy Doc, our entire framework is built around trying to help moms organize their stress and cope with their stress, so that they can create a life they don't need to regularly escape from or recover from. And this idea that we deserve to have a life that we don't have to recover from all the time, just like our male counterparts.

And not to be stereotypical, there are plenty of men who have stress as well, but it's just a little different for female leaders and for women in the workforce. And yet, I came home the other day and my daughter was like, I need a "you day," all day long, because I wanna spend all day long with you. It's mommy daughter day. I'm like, okay, great. I took her to the roller rink. I took her to breakfast. I took her to get her ballet outfit for her new little class that she started. I did all that. I came home and then she goes, we need to have dinner, just us together. I'm like, oh my God, please gimme 5 minutes.

There's a couple things that I do in that moment, and no one's perfect at it. One, I give myself so much self-compassion of like, I bet I'm not alone in this. Sandy's feeling this way. I'm feeling this way, my neighbor's feeling this way, everybody's feeling this way.

Second, I also have really learned in those moments where I'm feeling highly stressed and I want to connect with my child so badly at the end of a busy day or at the end of a busy week, but I almost find myself resentful of my child and angry with my child that she needs me so much to lean on my husband. So I have a partner, my husband works full-time too, but he was home on the weekend.

We've developed a communication system where, even though I'm of the she-fault parent, as Eve Rodsky talks about a lot in her work, and we're working on that, that I look him in the eye and say like, this is the moment. This is the moment that I need you to step in. I want to love this child so badly. And I'm at risk of losing it with her on a day when I'm really trying so hard to connect with her. Can you please take over for a minute and then he'll do something wild and crazy to like shift her attention basically to him.

The third thing I do, because sometimes even our partners, either you don't have a partner or your partner hasn't stepped into their power of stepping up (I mean, we have plenty of moms at Modern Mommy Doc that has not happened yet, so I'm not gonna pretend like we all live in a fantasy world) is reaching out to other moms who are in the same boat as you. I mean, I don't know if you have a support group or a board or a coaching group that you reach out to, but I have a group of women that I can bounce things off of to say, like gosh, you see me all the time? Am I really diving way too headlong into work right now? Do I need to back up? Am I creating this? And getting that reassurance of like, no, you're fine.

Sandy: Just a reset, just a level set. You know, the other thing that I was gonna say, because I went through this when my husband was traveling and and I was alone, and at that point where you were, where I'm about to lose it. And I said, you know what, mommy just needs a timeout for 15 minutes. And I went in the room and I just kind of sat there and took a couple deep breaths and came back out. And sometimes it's just simple as saying, mommy needs a timeout, and they get it.

Dr. Whitney: They do get it. I also think our kids are capable (I'm gonna put my pediatrician hat on) resilience wise, and that it's good for them to get gentle truths back to them. So I would never say to my daughter, well, mommy has work. You get over here. Get on the side. Mom my has to work.

Sandy: I may have said that today.

Dr. Whitney: Well, no, I do tell her, mommy has to work right now, so you need to wait for me. But I mean, I would never say to her, my work's more important than you are.

Sandy: Of course.

Dr. Whitney: I know you would never either. But I'll say very directly to her: mommy wears a lot of hats. Mommy is a mom to your sister. She's a food buyer. She's a house cleaner. She's a school-taker-to-person. I do a lot of things and I have to sometimes take care of myself, because that helps me take better care of you. Our kids can handle that.

Sandy: They can handle it. It's funny you say this, we were on vacation and my husband and I just wanted to go out alone. The kids, they could not handle it. And they're like, what do you mean? What do you mean? So we had to say, mommy and daddy need to connect in the same way you need just one-on-one time with mommy or you need one-on-one time with daddy. We need one-on-one time with each other. So, they will learn. And now they're like, oh, are you going on a date? It's cute. But yeah, it's important. And it's important to be able to say that to them, because, you're right, they do get it.

Dr. Whitney: They get it. And I'm always thinking about, what do I want to model? What do I want the parents that I work with to model to our kids? I don't wanna model guilt. I also don't wanna model rage all the time. But I do wanna model humanity. I wanna model the fact that it's okay that sometimes you have that inner conflict. That is part of being a human. And part of navigating a world where systemic forces are literally in opposition to us for us to have an integrated work life situation. So I'm hoping that that kind of fires things up for my kids and helps them. I am on a mission to make it better for them and for their kids and for their kids after them.

Sandy: I think it's good for our kids to see us wearing multiple hats. I especially see this with my older one. This need to be the perfect basketball player. The perfect mathematician. And by showing that sometimes I forgot about this. It shows that you're human. I don't want to be perfect for my children and have everything figured out, because I don't want that pressure on them. They wanna be just like us, right? At this age.

Dr. Whitney: And it sounds to me, bringing it back to MAM, like you're doing that in your workplace, as well as a leader. Trust is the word that keeps on coming to my mind. And then that authenticity that people are allowed to show up as their authentic selves. That they're able to be fully human, they're able to be a parent, they're able to be maybe someone who loves rock climbing on the weekends, whatever, you know.

Sandy: Exactly. And you know, it's funny because I know we're talking about parenthood, but one of the things that I realized is so many organizations are like, for parents you get X. But you may not be a parent, but you may wanna go to your Pilates class; you may be training for a marathon. Go do you, whatever that is, right?

Dr. Whitney: Yes, exactly. It's about creating equity, right? For all of our employees. It's not about equality. It's not about every single thing being the same for every single employee. It's about making it work for employees so that they can come to work as their best selves. They can do the work as their best selves.

Sandy: Precisely.

Dr. Whitney: I love it. Thank you Sandy, so much. I know that especially working moms are gonna glean so much from this and having a shining example of someone who is doing her best and integrating and leading and also fully human is so valuable and powerful to our audience. Will you tell people again where they can find out more about MAM and more about you?

Sandy: Yes, mambaby.com . My handle on IG, although I'm awful at it, is @SandyAbdallah , but you can see all our latest products, follow us on Instagram. We have some really useful materials, and then obviously our website. So yes. Thank you.

Dr. Whitney: Awesome. All right. Until next time.

HOW PEDIATRICS-FOCUSED TELEHEALTH IS CHANGING THE GAME FOR PARENTS WITH BLUEBERRY PEDIATRICS

Thu, 24 Aug 2023 17:30:00 GMT

Dr. Whitney: Hi everyone. Welcome back to the Modern Mommy Doc Podcast. I'm your host, Dr. Whitney Casares, and I am here today with a fellow pediatrician with Dr. Lindsey Garbi, Chief Medical Officer and co-founder of Blueberry Pediatrics . And so we're gonna talk all about telehealth, we're gonna talk all about making health work for working moms. Dr. Garbi, thanks so much for being here.

Dr. Garbi: Thanks so much for having me. Very excited to get into this.

Dr. Whitney: Alright, so let's start first just with your journey. How did you decide that Blueberry Pediatrics needed to be on the scene? What were the needs that you were seeing from parents and patients?

Dr. Garbi: Yeah, so I guess I'll give you two perspectives. One, which I think is the most important one, is the mommy one. Just a little more background on me. I am a board certified pediatrician. I'm also a mom of three kids, in the real thick of it. So, seven-year-old, four-year-old, one-year-old. And when we were creating our practice, I had just the seven-year-old. He was maybe one. So I was facing those new mommy questions, issues, fears. Questioning my own parenting. And as a pediatrician, I know a little more about this stuff, but I still have all those same fears and questions that other parents do.

Dr. Garbi: But I think, as a parent, that really just speaks to my answer. Your kid has a fever in the middle of the night and you're scared. It is scary. And a lot of the times I wondered if my child was okay. It was also secondly, what support system do I have? What do I do right now? I felt very alone and that's a horrible feeling. I have a great pediatrician for my kids, but even knowing that I was going to be waking them up in the middle of the night so they could answer my call. And then you question what fear is valid to raise in the middle of the night to wake your pediatrician up.

I feel like every parent really deserves a hand to hold in those situations. And no matter how big or small the issue is, being able to reach someone who knows you know more than just Dr. Google and ask things like, “My kid has a fever of 103. When is it too high? Do I need to go to the ER?” So I wanted to give parents a place to be able to ask these questions and have a hand to hold. When you're reaching out to Blueberry, it's always going to be a board certified pediatrician you're reaching. So whether we're gonna tell you it's okay and give reassurance, that reassurance is worth just so much in terms of what it gives that parent or to know what to look out for.

So at least I have the parameters in my mind as the parent at home, nervous about what's happening. Do I need to wake him up every few minutes? Do I need to keep taking the temperature? When should I wake him up to give him medications or should I just let him sleep. So many questions. So you get all those answers and we don't go away. You always are frazzled on the phone or whatever it is, but we can continue to be present and answer questions and that's why we make ourselves available 24/7. So the long answer is support to parents that I think is deserved. Kids do not come with a manual and they don't follow the rules of even whatever you might read online. I think giving parents a doctor in their pocket who was almost like family was just so important.

Dr. Whitney: Absolutely. And the board certified pediatrician part matters so much. I mean, it matters to me so much as a clinician, right? I see patients part-time in my clinic and then also do my Modern Mommy Doc stuff. And when people come to me and say, oh, my friend told me to do this, or this other healthcare provider person told me. But they don't really know what their credentials are. To have a board certified pediatrician be able to say, this is the thing to do is a really big deal. Now there's lots of other pieces and parts of a healthcare team and of a community, but there is something about having that reassurance from an expert that makes a huge difference for parents.

You know, one thing really struck me about what you said. Parents feel alone more and more and more. That is the crux of the issue that I feel it comes down to, for moms specifically. So what I find is when I put up a post, for example, on Instagram that's funny, it has Paul Rudd and it says something about, this is me with my friend because of life and the second shift and kids' illnesses and school breaks. And it's Paul Rudd and somebody else going, oh my gosh, we got together. Oh my gosh, we did it. We're really here. We did it. That's funny. But I think that speaks to this feeling of moms feeling like 99% of the time, they're doing it on their own. Dads feel like they're doing it on their own, that they are alone in the world. And that's probably what our society has done to us. It's created a lot of isolation. But what I see you saying is technology can also be the thing that makes it so people don't feel totally alone all the time.

Dr. Garbi: Yeah, absolutely. There's no need to feel like that with technology now. We have each other. We have a resource for you to reach out to. I've experienced that feeling myself. It's a terrible feeling. No one has to go it alone. There are resources, there are ways, there are answers to questions and hopefully Blueberry can provide that. That's our goal.

Dr. Whitney: The other thing you talked about was this idea of parents feeling maybe a little bit unsure of themselves about whether this is the moment that I actually should reach out to a pediatrician. Is this worthy of a call? So I think that's huge as well, because a lot of people don't wanna bother people if they're sleeping. But Blueberry, because it's set up as being 24/7, it's basically like you're not bothering anybody because this is their job at this moment to be available to you. Can you talk about what the majority of calls are that you get? Is it mostly sick calls? Are you getting behavioral calls? Do you get a lot of calls at three o'clock in the morning? Because I wanna reassure parents who might be thinking about adding you to their team and reaching out to you of the things that are totally normal for you to get calls about and that you feel happy taking care of.

Dr. Garbi: So many points I can touch on there. So what do we get called about? And yes, we are getting messages in the middle of the night for sure. It really runs the gamut, but I think viral symptoms are the most common things for when you have a young child or even older. But for the most part it's that runny nose, cough, congestion, ear pain, eye gunk, the lingering cough. These are things that happen all the time to everyone, especially if they're kids around in the world and daycare, school, whatever it is, camp. Now those are all very common.

Through Blueberry, you can reach us two ways. One is through a visit where you're going to end up speaking with a pediatrician and you can send over videos and messages and just extra little pieces of information. We send home a kit, so that you have an otoscope, which is what you use to look in an ear like your pediatrician's office to see the eardrum and the canal. We send home a pulse oximeter, so that tells us how much oxygen there is in the blood and the heart rate and we send home a thermometer. So with those tools, we're able to make more diagnoses from home.

The second way to reach us is by messaging. So you text as if you're texting with a friend. And so that's actually the greatest avenue for the parents who are like, I don't know if this is worth it. Or I just have a little question and I don't need a trip to a pediatrician. I just need to ask, how do I figure out the dosage of Tylenol? Or is this little picture of how I nicked my kid's finger when I cut the nail, is this okay? Or maybe it's, do I need to start a whole visit and have you on the phone and send you images, because I'm not sure. So that's the perfect modality for these other questions. My passion is that sweet spot of that new mom. Even if it's not your first time being a mom, you have a baby and that time can be very intimidating to a lot of parents. So to be able to answer the little one-off questions about sleeping, about nippling, about how they play tummy time. Yeah, those are for sure where we get a ton of questions and we're so happy to be able to field those as well.

Dr. Whitney: Yeah, I love that. Honestly, there are times when at our office with in-person pediatrics where people have questions, they either A) feel bad about asking the question because they feel like they're bothering someone or B) the question that they're asking is something simple like, how much tummy time does my baby need? Or how do I actually make them like tummy time? They hate tummy time. What are some ways so I'm not torturing them? How long do I do tummy time? And to be able to not have to wait on a response for a day, but instead be able to text in real time with someone about that question before you forget to send the email is huge. It's so much more convenient on a phone or on an app, or on a desktop feature to be able to get the response right then, because as moms, we have so much on our brains, so much of that mental load that sits with us. I mean, half the time you forget to send an email or to ask the question when you're on the visit anyway, you know.

Dr. Garbi: Yeah, absolutely. I mean I couldn't agree with you more. I would love to just touch on the point about having board certified pediatricians. A portion of the population for Blueberry that we're so proud to be able to help and serve is people who are in rural communities who don't have access to pediatricians as easily. We are helping people who are one hour from a doctor's office who are adult trained or an urgent care versus three hours to a child pediatric hospital. When resources are limited, we're so happy to help. A lot of people don't know that when you go to the urgent care down the street, you're not always guaranteed to be seen by a person who's trained in pediatrics.

We always say in pediatrics, children are not little adults. They are a very separate and specialized population that we as pediatricians train for three years in residency. And then even subspecialization is three years beyond that. It's a really important thing to see someone who's pediatric trained. So maybe there’s an urgent care down the street and maybe they're staffed with someone, but you also never know what you're gonna get when you walk in anywhere. So at least you can have us in your pocket, should you have to go in person, as that first layer of support. We are there, we're reachable, we're gonna get back to you super fast within an hour., And then we can help you navigate the medical field around you as well, which is completely valuable within itself too.

Dr. Whitney: Yeah. How does that work with the kit? So in terms of the otoscope specifically, I'm wondering, does it take a picture and that gets sent to you or do the parents learn how to use the otoscope? Are they able to look at it themselves and describe it to you? How are you guys using that?

Dr. Garbi: Yeah, so it's actually a wireless scope that is put in the ear and can see the image that it's reflecting. It's just like you're taking a video with the camera. It's just the camera's tinier than the ear and then video is recorded and then they just upload it to our site so that we can look at it and make the judgment call as to whether there's an infection or not. It can be very difficult even in office for a pediatrician to get into an ear depending on the child, the situation and the parents. It can be difficult sometimes. So we do give coaching, we send pictures, but it's certainly a valuable tool if we're able to get the proper images.

Dr. Whitney: Oh my gosh. When you have a child who's sick and who's febrile and who's not feeling good and having terrible ear pain, to get them in an office to let someone look in their ear can be traumatizing for the patient. But if the parent is actually able to get a good enough image that the person doesn't have to leave the comfort of their home to go to a visit, that's amazing. Now, I know that you also collaborate with other pediatrics offices, so that obviously it's not a replacement for all things pediatrics. You want people to be with a primary care physician. It can add an extra layer of care, an extra part of that team. Is that correct? Am I getting that right?

Dr. Garbi: Yes, that's exactly how I would put it. It's an extra layer of help and support. We very much wanna focus on keeping families within their medical home, which is a pediatrician. Hopefully out of the ER, hopefully out of urgent cares, especially those that are not staffed with pediatricians. And we love to collaborate with pediatricians. They usually will get a report if the parents have given us their consent so we could send the information to the pediatrician about the child. We absolutely are not meant to be a replacement for the pediatrician. We are augmenting that.

Dr. Whitney: I really feel so deeply in my heart and my soul that this has to be the wave of pediatrics. If we really want care to be patient-centered, it needs to be with things like you are doing, where there's augmented care outside of normal hours. Outside of hours where parents are working and maybe they only have two seconds to get home and get that picture of the ear or have their childcare provider take the picture of the ear and then be able to send it to them and they can send it to you. I think that you have to be thinking outside the box if we actually wanna meet parents where they are and to be able to speak the language of parents.

Dr. Garbi: I agree. We work so hard, as parents with kids with work, to provide for those who have jobs outside the house. Often they're taking a half day or even a whole day for a sick kid to get to the office. I've experienced it myself with my own kids to have to do that. Some parents are home with three kids and then what do they have to lug all three kids into the office for that one sick child? Which is just so hard. So yes, there are better ways. I agree. I think that this is just the beginning of the wave of the future.

Dr. Whitney: Yeah. That's so great. What is up next for Blueberry Pediatrics? I don't know how many providers you have or how you're growing. I'm hoping that you're getting all kinds of funding because what you're doing is so powerful. I mean, on a basic level, providing care, but also I think on a empowerment level and a bigger societal level of, again, creating change and more support for working parents in particular.

Dr. Garbi: So right now we're available in 18 states. We're working on opening up in 11 more, so that would cover 29 states across America. And that covers, I think, I don't wanna say the wrong number, but it's upwards of 75% of the population of children across the country. So we're working on that. We also would love to create more partnerships with insurance companies. We think there's a big win-win there to keep children out of the ER and urgent care, lower the cost of medical care, and reduce the burden on pediatricians. So I think that there's a lot of work to be done. We are so excited about how we could contribute to the medical field of pediatrics and help families across America.

Dr. Whitney: Yeah, absolutely. If people wanna find out more about signing up for Blueberry Pediatrics, tell us about that. Does it have to be through an employer? Can it be an individual person who accesses Blueberry Pediatrics? How can they get involved?

Dr. Garbi: So we are primarily direct to consumer, which means you just go to our website and you sign up www.blueberrypediatrics.com. We're $20 a month, which is for unlimited access to a board certified pediatrician. There's a one-time kit fee and then nothing else added. So you have unlimited access to us. And then you can look at us on Instagram and Facebook, Blueberry Pediatrics, on both of them. We are available through some employers, not many. And then right now, we are starting to become available through insurance companies but that will take time.

Dr. Whitney: Yeah, absolutely. Well, it takes time. I think the healthcare insurance companies have to see the data, right? Well, like, show me the money. So we have to show first that this will, in fact, reduce hospitalization and it will reduce ER visits, reduce healthcare costs. Although, obviously, it's a no-brainer. The middle of the night, the weekends, the days when people cannot come in to see us, those are the times when people are utilizing the ER because they're scared, because they feel alone, because they need help right then, because they have to get back to work, because they're paying for childcare, and they don't wanna miss out on the opportunity for their child to be there if they don't have to. So I'm so excited about what you guys are doing and I'm so happy that you were here today.

Dr. Garbi: Thank you. Thank you so much. I'm so glad I could be here.

Dr. Whitney: Yeah, tell me exactly where people could find you. So tell me what the Instagram handles are, where people can find you on the internet.

Dr. Garbi: Yeah, so our Instagram is @blueberrypediatrics , and then if you're on Facebook, it's just Blueberry Pediatrics . And then at the website, www.blueberrypediatrics.com. There's a list of states where we're available in the FAQ at the bottom if you wanna look that up.

Dr. Whitney: Awesome. Thank you so much Dr. Garbi, really appreciate you being here.

Dr. Garbi: I so appreciate the invitation. Thank you.

WHY YOU'RE OVERWHELMED AT HOME

Thu, 17 Aug 2023 15:00:00 GMT

How do you feel when you first step into your house after work? It doesn’t matter if you had the best day or if it was crummy, what does the image of walking through your door bring up in you?

Or what about when you wake up on a Saturday morning and don’t have much to do outside the house? Does staying in your home make you feel excited? Do you love being in your space? Or do you feel anxiety start to creep in? Do you feel like there’s just SO much going on…even if it’s just an average day at home?

Feeling overwhelmed at home is so common for moms. It should be a place that brings us comfort and makes us feel safe. But instead, it feels like an overwhelming, never-ending to do list.

You can’t relax because you know that you’re already behind. You can’t just fill up your time with tasks around the house because then you’ll feel guilty for not spending enough time with your family.

But if you don’t do anything, you’ll have this voice shouting inside your head, that you can’t shut off, that tells you you aren’t good enough.

Why the hell do we feel like this in our own homes?

Do men feel like this when they’re at home? No man-bashing here, but I just don’t think they do.

I think we feel like this because there’s too many things screaming (almost literally) for our attention all at once when we’re at home. Too many things that “need” our hands on them to be taken care of.

The laundry. The dishes. Quality time with your kids. Quality time with your partner. Bills. Friendships. Homework. Toilets that need scrubbing. Floors that need vacuuming. Socks that need finding before you rush the kids to their practices on opposite ends of town at the same time.

Oh, and keeping it nice and tight. AND making sure you’re mentally healthy.

When all of these things “need” us, no wonder we feel overwhelmed. No wonder our home doesn’t feel like a safe haven, but instead feels like THE source of stress that keeps our cortisol levels waaaay higher than what’s good for us (for real though. It’s science.)

I’ve got two ways that can help you feel some peace in your home that you can do TODAY.

1) Not your momma’s decluttering. Actually, I have no idea what our mom’s decluttering was like, but I just want you to know this hack isn’t what you’ll typically hear from me or decluttering experts.

I am ALL FOR taking a systematic approach to getting your entire house decluttered. Less stuff really does equal less stress. I mean it. And if you’re in the tiny human years where your floors are covered with toys, I mean it times a billion.

But sometimes we need a quick win.

Choose one spot that you can tell makes you feel “triggered,” for lack of a better word. When you walk into a room and you can feel your blood pressure rise because you can see all of the kids' shoes shoved in a corner by the front door. Or the dishes that are piled all over the counter.

For me, it’s the mess of papers that get left all over the table at the front entryway. Kids school stuff, mail, random receipts, all get set there. It’s what you see when you first walk in and it immediately makes me feel angry and twitchy.

My quick win is taking all of those papers and putting them in a bag and then taking that bag and putting it on a shelf in the closet next to it. YES, that’s prolonging the problem. BUT it helps me walk in my house and feel more peaceful.

When I have more time, I can go through that bag and sort out what really needs to be kept and filed. If something comes up where I needed one of those papers before I sorted it out, I know they’re in my closet.

It’s 100% kicking the can down the road, but when you’re feeling overwhelmed, you need that shot of dopamine that can really help reset you. Plus, when you see an area that looks organized and makes you feel better, it’s absolutely motivation to get to decluttering for real.

Bonus: if it’s something like the overwhelm of dishes or laundry, learn the magic of a closed door or throwing a towel over the sink until you can take care of it. Again, I’m not saying this is a forever solution. I’m just saying that sometimes you gotta work with what you’ve got.

2) Find THE thing that if it gets done in your day will make you feel like you’ve got your ish together. And hand it off.

Literally find someone else to do it. Your kids, your partner, pay a college student on your street in home cooked meals (or pizza!) or delegate it out to a service.

What would make you feel like you’re winning at life? Not having to panic every morning about packing lunches? Teach your little ones to do it themselves (or do it with you if they’re really little) and make a week’s worth at a time.

Is it getting dinner on the table? Simplify, simplify, simplify. Find 7 EASY meals (or maybe 3-4!) that you can make on repeat and go to town. Cereal Saturdays? Done. Meatless Mondays where you just have to boil pasta and toss on some butter? Yes please.

Technically you didn’t hand that one off to another person, but if you’ve got a plan, then you’re handing the responsibility of remembering what you’re supposed to fix to the calendar on the wall. Boom.

You’re feeling overwhelmed at home, mama, because we, as a whole, have over complicated things. Kids are still gonna have tantrums. Pipes are still gonna burst. You’re still gonna feel crappy two days before your period.

But if we can take the things that we CAN control and get them as simple as we can, things will feel so much better at home.

HOW TO CLAIM YOUR CONFIDENCE AS A WORKING MOM WITH LYDIA FENET

Fri, 11 Aug 2023 23:30:00 GMT

Dr. Whitney: Hey everyone, welcome back to the Modern Mommy Doc podcast. Today I have Lydia Fenet. She is the author of Claim Your Confidence and I'm excited to have her because she is a fellow hustler. We were just talking before we started recording the podcast about all the things we've done to try to put ourselves out there, and then follow through on these commitments that we've made to bring ourselves to new heights. And I think that for a lot of moms, Lydia, we're constantly reaching. We're trying to get to new heights. And part of the thing that really holds us back actually from meeting our true potential is this idea you talk about which is the super parent. There's this myth that moms, but parents in general, can do it all, can be it all. So welcome to the show Lydia. So glad you're here. It's just our pleasure to have you and it's always my pleasure to be with other moms who have kind of the same ilk. So Lydia, tell us a little bit more about your story--it's a very interesting story-- and how you got to the place you are right now.

Lydia: Well, I grew up in a small town in Louisiana, if we start at the very beginning and I am one of four siblings. We have sort of grew up in a rock tumbler of a family, where we were always being allowed to try things and fail with so much fun. And I think as a result of that, over the course of my life, it has led me down the path where I'm really willing to try a lot of different things. And that came about in college when I read an article about a place called Christie's Auction House, this mythical auction house in New York City. And it was a place where they transact art. It wasn't a museum where you go and look at art. It was a place where they're literally buying and selling art. And the article was about Princess Diana's dresses being sold there and how this beautiful glamorous group of people showed up on Park Avenue. And all of these amazing women in their gorgeous dresses and their scarves were walking around, because they worked at this auction house and they traveled around the world.

And it seemed so glamorous that I just felt like I needed to be there. And it really became this obsession that I would work at Christie's Auction House without really having a family that was an art collecting family. I didn't really know anything about auction houses. Neither of my parents did. Our friends didn't. And it was just a series of things that finally led me there. I applied for an internship, they said no, I kept asking. I finally got it just by sheer perseverance, going back time and time again. And once I got in the doors, I didn't wanna leave. And when you work at an auction house, an amazing byproduct of that is that you see this world of auctioneering. And I've always loved the stage, I've always loved being in front of people, but I didn't really know what I was ever gonna do with that love.

I loved singing when I was younger, but I'm not a singer. In your adult life, at some point, if you're not gonna take that path, it kind of passes you by. But auctioneering really appealed to me and I tried out. I made it. I was very young, I was, in many cases, probably 10 or 15 years younger than most of the people and really one of the only women. And I passed a four-day class, where they just cut people day after day after day. And finally I was allowed to get on stage. And once I started getting on stage, I wasn't even good at what I was doing, but I just felt like I could get better. And that challenge kept me going up there time and time again. And so I was taking charity auctions by the end of my second year-- probably 80 to a hundred a year on top of a full-time job.

It became so much a part of my personality that my friends always knew that during the peak Gala season in New York City, they weren't gonna see me until 9:30 or 10 o'clock at night. But that really laid the groundwork for so many lessons that I've learned over the course of my life and ultimately became the reason I wrote my first book, The Most Powerful Woman in the Room is You. Because every time I got off stage, there was a young woman standing there to tell me how much they hated selling and how they couldn't sell what they made. And how people rejecting them was them being rejected. And I just felt like there was a niche and a moment to write this book about selling as a woman.

And so that became my first book. And as you mentioned, I just finished my second book on confidence, which came out two weeks ago. And it's called Claim Your Confidence. And it's really about furthering that journey and telling those stories about continuing to find your voice and as a parent to find your footing. I have three children and, as many of us know, if you are a mom and you have a career, whether you're in the home or not in the home working, the bottom line is, you have to find your footing and you have to find your voice.

Dr. Whitney: So many pieces that I wanna dig into from what you said. First of all, let's go back to your childhood, what you were saying about being in this kind of environment where you were allowed to fail so much. What do you think your parents did that fostered that idea? Because now, looking back on your childhood, that's what you can clearly see they were doing. But of course in the moment, you didn't know. So tell me some of the ways that they raised you so that you felt like you were able to actually have resilience and you were able to actually overcome when you fell down.

Lydia: It's so funny that you asked this question, Whitney. So this morning, my eight-year-old son plays squash. And he went into a game that he really thought he was gonna win. He hasn't played a lot of matches and off he went with so much confidence. And my husband texted me on the way home and he said, "So Henry lost the match." And he came home and he came in and he was so upset. He sort of sat down, put his head in my lap and he was pretty near tears. And I opened my second book and I read him a chapter called Never Give Up, which was about when I was growing up. Everyone always knew that my family had these golden rules and one of them was never give up. And it was really something we always talked about as children. And, I said in the chapter, I learned that rule in middle school, because I played on three sports teams for four years that never won a game, literally never won a game. And I said the most amazing lesson for me was that I always thought we were gonna win the next game. And my parents, instead of saying, "You lost 50 to two this basketball game, so you're not gonna win next week." What they would say instead was, "Oof, that was a really tough loss, but I think you're gonna win next week." And I was like, "You know, I do too. I think we're gonna win next week." And it was just this amazing thing. And we never won. There was no marching off the field, "we finally did it" victory that I can remember. It was just we tried and that was enough. We got out there and we tried it.

I left that small school to go to a boarding school in the northeast. My mom is British and so boarding school was very much a part of her life. She talked about it from a very early age and I became obsessed with going to boarding school. And I arrived at the school in Connecticut, which is called Taft. It's a beautiful school, an amazing campus. And a lot of the kids come from the northeast and the competition was fierce. And a lot of the people on the sports teams had been playing sports I'd never even heard of, like field hockey and lacrosse. And I'm also almost six feet tall. So you can imagine field hockey's not a great sport if you have to bend in half while you run down the field. And I remember getting on the third team, which is basically the intermediate team. And we lost early on and one of the girls on the team threw a stick And I remember I was eating an orange slice on the sideline and I was like, what on earth? You know, I am so competitive. But having lost so many times, it almost gives you this invincibility where you're like, God, we tried so hard but we just did not win. I really credit my parents with just letting me play on those teams and God bless them for sitting through those games because they were there every single time.

Dr. Whitney: And letting you lose. I actually think that's really interesting. I have a similar story that happened to me as I was applying for medical schools. I am not the best standardized test taker, which on the path to medicine, it's all about standardized tests. I was the valedictorian, 4.0 GPA, I'm a hard worker, I'm relatively smart. But when it came to taking all those standardized tests that get you into medical school, I just wasn't the person. And so I applied and I applied and I applied and I was rejected and I was rejected and I was rejected. And I finally got accepted to one school. And I remember the night before I got accepted my dad said, "What's plan B? What's gonna be plan B if you don't end up getting into medical school?" And my mom looked at him and she goes, "There is no plan B." And my mom is not a dance mom. She wasn't pushing me if I didn't want it, but she knew that's what I wanted. She knew that was the thing that I had visualized to be, this is the person that I wanna be. And she believed in me and she believed that the failures that I had didn't define what my success would be later. And that's what I hear you saying about building confidence: having experience with losses, having experience with failures and getting comfortable with that.

Lydia: Yes. And not being afraid to put yourself out there. Because that's the other thing: the beauty of all that failure is that you realize you survive it. It doesn't define you and it doesn't kill you. So, at the end of the day, does it feel great to lose? No. Does it feel great to fail? No. But at the same time, as you get older, every single time you do that and the stakes get higher and greater as you get older and these things are becoming bigger and bigger and bigger in your life. You've sort of built up this immunity and staying power and this resilience. When you start a business, one thing I've learned over the years is you have to almost be egoless in the failure process. If you try something out and it doesn't work, then you let the part that fails fall away and you just let it go and you move towards the things that do work. And I think the same can be said in life. If things aren't serving you over time, you can let them fall by the wayside. And again, if you just let your ego go and be like, that did not work. It did not serve what I was doing at that time or did not serve me. Let it go.

Dr. Whitney: So that was gonna be my next question, kind of differentiating, being dogged about something, going towards something when you keep failing. Where they say, doing the same thing and having the same results over and over and over again. What's the definition of that? Crazy? How do you keep from going at something full force when it's not working and you keep failing, versus shifting to something that will? And I think what you just said is you be egoless enough to look at it objectively. To say, that's not a part of my identity. Is there some other way in which it should work?

Lydia: Exactly. I'm sure that you have come across over the course of your life as I have: friends who work in jobs that they hate and it can be years long in their hatred of what they do. They don't like it, they don't like their boss. And it is the same conversation year after year after year. And that could be anything you do in your life if you keep doing it over and over and over again with the same result, you're right. It's crazy. So my point is, as a child in a very safe environment, in a sports environment, there is something set up that's a structure you cannot change. We were a small private school. We were playing huge public schools. We were gonna lose pretty much every time and that was what it was.

But in the course of life, that is rarely the case. There is always room to let things fall and to pivot. And when I say never give up, I mean never give up in the pursuit of a goal. But also remember that the standard of a goal, what you set as a goal, oftentimes is not what it's gonna look like when it hits its final success point. I've seen that in my own career, where I think that something's gonna end up one way. Where I think, this is how success looks, this is what it's gonna look like. And then when I actually get to the point where I hit the goal, it actually doesn't look anything like I thought it was going to. And that's because I let the things that don't work and don't serve me go by the wayside.

I'll give you an example. I launched a masterclass during Covid. My husband at the time had lost his job and I was the sole breadwinner of the family at that point. And also I had taken a major pay cut for my company and I thought we need to make money fast. And the easiest way I could think of doing that is through thought leadership. People need to learn things online. I have a lot of skills that all can be translated if I put a number on it. So I launched this masterclass series on four different topics, sales, negotiations, networking and public speaking.

And I did sort of a sample sale model. I was like, I'm gonna throw this out on a Sunday night. It's gonna be 25 people in a Zoom class. Here's the price. The first one sold out in less than two hours. The second one, same thing. Third one, same thing. Fourth one, same thing. Great. So I've done all four classes, so I did it again. And the first one, great, sells out. The second one took about two days to sell out and the third one was the same as the fourth one. And then I decided to do it again. And guess what? The first class did not sell out. And all of a sudden I was like, okay, so this doesn't work anymore.

But what have I learned from this? And what I learned was people were having problems with the timing because we were kind of coming to the point where people were doing things outside of Covid now. It wasn't just that we were all at home. People and the world are evolving. So the model then became, come to the masterclass if you can, if not, I can send you the video. So was it a failure? I mean, kind of. The masterclass wasn't gonna work the way it had when I set it up. It was a great success for three runs, but then it wasn't. But instead of being like, oh my god, these people aren't showing up, I would say, oh okay, if they're not showing up, they don't have to be there. Which means I can do a smaller class, I can be more tailored to those. And then eventually as we came out of Covid, that just became coaching. And all of that was five great clients, as opposed to doing these masterclasses, time and time again. I had these amazing people that have continued to work with me even through today. But that's what I mean. Never give up, right? That's all. It's all working towards something and we're letting things fall away as they don't serve us.

Dr. Whitney: I think there's so many moms who can find themselves in that statement in their working lives and also in their parent lives. I think about my daughter who has autism and what I thought success would be as a mom with her before I became a parent, especially as a pediatrician. We have a nanny who is excellent with my kids and they respond to her in a way that's different than they do to me. And so, for a long time, I felt less than because this person was able to actually have my kids act in a way that was what I originally thought would be success for me.

And I had to change my perspective to say my role in my kids' life is the attachment piece. It's the piece of me giving them the feeling of, I'm constantly here, I will never ever leave you. It's me giving them all these enriching activities. And there's other people in my life that have other functions for them. She's amazing at school dropoff and pick up. I suck at school drop off and pick up. I'm way too impatient for that. I want them to get in the car and go. I have a meeting, let's go! And she's amazing at it. And so I think for so many moms we have this vision in our head. I don't know where it comes from. Instagram. It comes from maybe our parents who were Betty Crockers and the kitchen with warm cookies when we came home. But something about how they're gonna be as a mom and then it doesn't look like that for them and they have to grapple with this idea. Of course never give up on being a good parent. But also maybe I need to change my definition of what success is.

Lydia: Someone said this to me years ago and I will just say it to everyone listening right now: give yourself grace. It is not easy to be a parent. I have three children and they are so different. Literally each of them has their own personality. Their own ups and downs within an hour of a day. Within a minute of a day, sometimes, I think. And there are times where I feel like I'm really doing a great job as a parent. And then there are other times when I'm just like, oh God, if someone was watching me right now, I would get an F in this job. Straight F. The day's been long and I'm losing my patience because nobody seems to ever want to get in bed when they're supposed to be in bed. My mom is British, so I think we all went to bed at 6:00 PM every night. And so I don't know why I can't seem to get my son to fall asleep before 9:30. It's just all this stuff that we put upon ourselves over the course of our life, the artificial timeline issue that we all do. We're like, by the age of 30, I'm gonna have this. By the age of 40, I need to be doing this. What is this timeline? What does it matter if you do it at 41? Does it matter if you do it at 38? I mean, I don't know, but I don't think so. And it's the same thing with kids. There is that version of the mom we all thought we were supposed to be because that's what TV put out there. That's the messaging that we heard from the magazines or the books that we read when we were little about the role and the job of a mom. And I often think it all the time now, and I say this a lot when I'm speaking on panels, that we have been given a really false bill of goods as moms about what the priorities are in our life and what they should be. I have seen so many people, and have friends even, who are so fixated on getting their Easter decoration set up. And while they're doing this, I honestly sometimes think to myself like, you don't even know how to use an ATM card.

Why do you care about your dinner table setting when you have no idea what is going on in the finances of your family? Where did we end up getting that message? We, as independent people, should understand everything about our life. And yes, it's awesome to have a beautiful home, and that's so fun and great, but that is not the most important thing. And I think that was what was sold to our parents. Certainly that was sold to my mom and I think she would say that, without a doubt. But now in this world that we live in now, we have the ability to have these conversations and to open this up about what motherhood can look like and that it is not, in any way, shape, or form, bad to want to live the life you wanna live. And you know what you just said about pickup, like pickup is not your thing. You have a thriving career. You have childcare who can help you do that and take away that particular point of something that you do not wanna do and don't have time to do. Then you are living your best life right now. You are living the life you wanna live and that is your gift in life to yourself.

Dr. Whitney: Yeah, absolutely. I think too, the more that you step into these pieces of this is who I am, this is the thing that gives me energy, this is the thing that drains me completely, that helps you in business and in parenting. We talked about that idea of not giving up. We talked about the idea of being able to pivot and to see from an egoless perspective. What are the other things that you think moms or women need to know when they're in a sales position or a business position about having confidence? What are the other things that make them the best version of themselves in that world?

Lydia: There is one thing that I often hear moms say. And I think it happens with moms specifically, because there does seem to be a loss of confidence, especially if people take back seats and roles that they have or they step out to be a parent. Sometimes they go back in. And they say, what do I know? I'm just a mom. I'm just a mom. Like you birthed a child! You have kept a child alive for multiple years. I'm just a mom. No you are a mom and that is part of your history and part of what you are and who you are and what you're gonna do with your life. So I see that as the thing that we should be using to boost our confidence, because it is not easy to be a mom where everyone is relying on you all the time. And it is not easy to live the life you want, when everyone is relying on you 24/7 for everything. I think a large part of us owning our power and stepping into that power and claiming that confidence is really refocusing that word and what that means in a business environment. I'm a mom, which means I CAN. Not, I'm just a mom. There's no such thing as just a mom. Like you're a mom. Step into that power.

Dr. Whitney: Yeah, absolutely. 100%. The other thing I was gonna come back to on the whole energy draining or energy giving, is thinking about as a business woman myself, making conscious decisions around where I wanna place my energy for my team members, for other people in my family, in the world. Deciding within myself, is it worth the energy to soothe this person's anxiety or to soothe this person's needs in order for my business to move forward or my family to move forward? I learned this a lot in my pediatrics practice because we have a lot of parents who, totally understandably, are totally anxious when they come in, right? Their kid might have an ear infection. They're worried about it and sometimes that person's energy or that person's vibe, is so easy to take that on myself. And, as women, I think we do that a lot. We are caretakers and so we are being trained and conditioned to really think about others' needs above our own. But when I can stop and separate someone else's needs from my own needs or separate what's best for my business from what someone as an individual needs while still holding it with grace and honoring that person, but being able to prioritize myself first, has really helped. Have you found that on your journey as well?

Lydia: Yeah. I talk in my second book, in Claim Your Confidence , about sprints and plateaus. And one of the things that I talk a lot about is that over the course of your life or of your career, there are moments that things really feel like they're out of control. And I call those sprints. It's like, so much inbounds. So much is happening. I've gotta just get all this stuff done. It's a crazy time of year. I'm sure a lot of the moms out there can relate with those times of the year that there just seems to be a non stop barrage of everything. And then things calm down again. And what I say often with this sort of sprints versus the plateaus is you almost have to think of it and mentally think about this time where everything is getting condensed and you're feeling very overwhelmed is a time to really prioritize yourself and the things that are important to you and let everything else go. So you know, if I'm looking at you right now and you're walking into a crazy busy day. And you walk into that first meeting and there is someone completely spiraling, you have to match that with the fact that you have a very, very busy day as well. And so you have to know that part of you being there is to be there for them, but also to be able to keep on track and keep moving forward because you're in a sprint. So how do you do that? You prioritize yourself at that point and you take what they have, you condense it, you hand back the information and you keep moving. And so, for me that happens a lot in work where I'll have just an insane period. I've come off of six weeks of straight travel, to the point where I was like, "Hey guys, I'm your mom. I dunno if you guys are familiar with my face, but this is who I am in your life." And they're all like, "Oh mom, we know." But I said to them before that I'm going a into sprint, it's gonna be very busy. And then when we're done, we're gonna have a great plateau. We're going on our spring break, I'm gonna be home again, and it's gonna be fine. So anything non-essential, like podcasts or panels, I don't do. I push all of that to the side until it's a plateau, so I can prioritize the things that are important to me at that time. Otherwise, I get completely burnt out and then I'm short with my children when I do see them and I'm short with my husband and all the things that happen when you aren't fulfilled or you aren't feeling in control. You have to literally get them back and take ownership of that and make it on your terms.

Dr. Whitney: So I think this applies whether you're a business person or not. I'm exactly the same. When I'm on a sprint doing a book tour or when I'm in a PR season, those people hit you up for things that need to be a 24 hour turnaround. My head's down, I'm working. Today you sent me an email asking if we are doing video, because I need to know if I need to have makeup on. Same here. I mean, they can't see me, but my hair's not done. I just came off from doing a workout. I don't care. My laundry's sitting there in my room, because I'll get to that later. It doesn't matter right now. Like you said, the Easter decorations, is that really something your kid's gonna remember? If it's something that brings you a lot of joy and energizes you and you love the target Easter aisle, amazing, you go for it. But if it's something that you're putting on yourself as an obligation and you have more important things that you should be doing with your time and energy, please, for the love of God, just focus on those things as opposed to what you think you should be doing. And I think this truly is that idea of the supermom that we are trying to get rid. We can't do it all. We have to prioritize what matters.

Lydia: Yeah. There IS this supermom myth, but the bottom line is, people are always like, you can't have it all. You cannot. But what is your "all"? That's what you have to find. And sometimes, just a simple pencil piece of paper and a pencil are gonna be the things that are helpful in that conversation, because everybody's "all" is different. I have a schedule and a life that, for most people, probably seems manic and completely without any interest for a lot of people. It's so fast paced, it moves so quickly. There's so many things. It is what I want. I love it. I thrive on being busy. I thrive on hopping on and off of planes and traveling for one day to California and coming back to be with my kids.

Yes, I get tired at times, but this is what I want. So if I am tired, it's okay, I'm in pursuit of a big dream, that's fine. But what is your "all"? And don't let Instagram define your "all." What is your "all"? Is it that you wanna be with your kids seven nights a week on the couch eating popcorn? Do it. You wanna be an incredible pediatrician killing it as a parent? Do it. What is your "all"? Figure that out. Don't worry about what other people are doing. It has nothing to do with you. And one of my favorite quotes in the world is "Comparison is the thief of joy." And I say it to people all the time as they're complaining about someone else. Comparison is the thief of joy. The bottom line is, it doesn't matter what other people are doing. It has nothing to do with you. It's not your path. It's not your journey. It's not your dream. That's great that that person's doing that. That has nothing to do with you. Let it go. Move on.

Dr. Whitney: We're just gonna leave it there, because that was a huge mic drop. I love it. Lydia, thank you so much for being here. Tell everybody again the name of your book, where they can find it, where they can find out more about you.

Lydia: So my book is Claim Your Confidence: Unlock Your Superpower and Create the Life You Want. I am on Instagram at @LydiaFenet. Facebook same thing. So if you need to find me, I'm very active on Instagram especially. So if you have questions, feel free to DM. But yeah, get out and buy the book. It's on Amazon. It's also in independent bookstores everywhere. And I always prefer people that buy through bookstores, because I love a good bookstore.

Dr. Whitney: Awesome. Thanks for being here.

Lydia: Thank you so much for having me.

WHY WORKING MOMS ARE EXHAUSTED ALL THE TIME

Fri, 04 Aug 2023 19:15:00 GMT

One of the oldest arguments in the motherhood community is the one between working moms and stay-at-home moms.

Who has it harder? Whose job is more exhausting? (Just an aside, I KNOW not every mom decides to jump in this fight…I’m just saying that if you haven’t said it out loud, you’ve probably thought it at one point or another.)

Working moms think stay-at-home moms have it easier because they don’t have to balance motherhood AND a career. Stay-at-home moms think working moms have it easier because they get to escape the monotony of home life when they go to work.

And today, we’re gonna settle it once and for all.

Just kidding. There’s no debate.

All moms are working their asses off and doing the best they absolutely can with what they’ve got, mmkay? We’re not gonna be adding to the ways moms already feel like they’re not doing enough by pitting them against each other in some sort of comparison competition.

So we’re all just gonna agree that motherhood is hard. Period.

Here at Modern Mommy Doc, we know that all moms are doing important work. But we focus on helping career-focused moms organize their stress so they can live purposeful, aligned lives. So that’s the question I wanna tackle today:

Why are working moms so damn exhausted at work?

You weren’t wired to leave your work stress at work and your home stress at home. Which means you’re feeling all the stress all the time. The way men and women operate and compartmentalize is pretty remarkably different. Have you heard of the waffle brain vs the spaghetti brain? Men are waffles; women are spaghetti.

Just go with me on this one.

Think of the way syrup hangs out on a waffle. All of it stays in its own little compartment (unless, of course, you pour it on like my 9 year old and drown it in syrup. Then there’s no hope.) This is how men’s brains separate all the parts of their lives (this is a generalization, I know, so please don't come at me about how some men don't operate this way. =)) They have their work compartment. Their home compartment. Their marriage compartment. Their friendship compartment.

Women, on the other hand, are like spaghetti (again, a generalization, I know, but a generally true one). There’s no keeping things separate. Everything in the bowl gets all mixed together and jumbled into one saucy dish. Our work bleeds into our marriage which bleeds into our friendships which bleeds into our parenting.

That’s why when you’ve just finished putting your kids down for the last 45 minutes, facing battle after battle, you want nothing to do other than zoning out with some wine and Netflix and your husband is ready to Get. It. On. In our minds, there’s no WAY you’re gonna be in the mood. You’re emotionally drained from the war zone you just came out of. In a man’s mind, he’s closed the parenting box, put it away on the shelf, and opened the sex box. Err. Uuuh. You know what I mean.

This, of course, affects the way we are at our jobs. For the most part, men are singularly focused on their work when they’re there.

We don’t have that luxury.

Our brain jumbles it all together so we aren’t just thinking about the presentation we have coming up, but we’re also worried about how we’re going to get our kids from the babysitter to their practice tonight, what we can grab to eat on the way there, what uniform they’re supposed to wear, whether or not it’s clean, are you the snack mom, when’s the last time you had sex, and what time you’re supposed to pick up your mother-in-law’s birthday gift.

Which is exhausting just writing, let alone actually living it.

Cool, Dr. Whitney. So I guess I’ll just be deliriously drained at work all the time. Coolcoolcooooool.

Not so fast, mama.

There’s another huge reason you’re feeling this way.

You’re doing it all. And you’re doing it all alone.

That’s the deadliest of combos.

Remember that whole mess of responsibilities from before? The one that’s a mile long and no un-super human could ever accomplish? Somehow we’ve convinced ourselves that every single thing on that list is of the same tippy top priority. That if one ball falls, we’re an utter failure.

When in reality, it’s the system that’s failed us. The system that’s been set up for us to fail. And the system that we’ve bought into.

Barbie’s America Ferrera said it the absolute best:

It is literally impossible to be a woman. You are so beautiful, and so smart, and it kills me that you don’t think you’re good enough. Like, we always have to be extraordinary, but somehow we’re always doing it wrong.

You have to be thin, but not too thin. And you can never say you want to be thin. You have to say you want to be healthy, but also you have to be thin. You have to have money, but you can’t ask for money, because that’s crass. You have to be a boss, but you can’t be mean. You have to lead, but you can't squash other people's ideas.

You’re supposed to love being a mother, but don’t talk about your kids all the damn time. You have to be a career woman, but also always be looking out for other people. You have to answer for men’s bad behavior, which is insane, but if you point that out, you’re accused of complaining. You’re supposed to stay pretty for men, but not so pretty that you tempt them too much or that you threaten other women, because you’re supposed to be a part of the sisterhood. But always stand out and always be grateful. But never forget that the system is rigged. So find a way to acknowledge that, but also always be grateful.

You have to never get old, never be rude, never show off, never be selfish, never fall down, never fail, never show fear, never get out of line. It’s too hard! It’s too contradictory and nobody gives you a medal or says thank you! And it turns out, in fact, that not only are you doing everything wrong, but also everything is your fault.

There’s zero percent chance of ever living up to that.

And THEN when you try to do all of that without any help? Fuhgettaboudit.

Women in two income households are STILL doing more than their fair share of household responsibilities. And I don’t mean just cleaning. There’s so many emotionally and mentally draining tasks that have nothing to do with cooking or laundry.

It’s the literally hundreds of decisions you have to make every single day as a working mom.

If you don’t parent in partnership and create a system that aligns with your values, you WILL end up lost and overwhelmed without any sense of how to get back to who you used to be.

Mama, I’ve been there. And I wanna help. That's why I wrote Doing it All , my new book. It goes step-by-step through the Centered Life Blueprint Framework we use at Modern Mommy Doc .

If you want to stop feeling so exhausted all the time, check it out !

HOW TO TRAVEL THE WORLD WITH KIDS AND NOT LOSE YOUR MIND WITH KID AND COE

Thu, 27 Jul 2023 17:45:00 GMT

Dr. Whitney: Hey everybody, it's Dr. Whitney and I'm so happy to be here with you today. I have Nicole Pounds from Dot Com Therapy. She's sitting with me and we're gonna talk about all things kids' mental health, which as you all know, if you have been listening to this podcast for any length of time, is near and dear to my heart. I have anxiety. My husband has ADHD. My one daughter has Autism. My youngest daughter has OCD. So we're like alphabet soup over here. And I have benefited personally from the help of therapists, personal therapists, from couples therapists, and also for therapists for my kids. So I love what Dot Com Therapy is doing. I invited Nicole on to talk about that, but also to talk about how to help families who are maybe struggling to find someone to go see for their kids, who are struggling with trying to think outside the box of just traditional therapy. Like, what are the other things they need to be considering for their families? And then also if they've decided they wanna do therapy via someone in their community, with someone at their primary care doctor, or with something like Dot Com Therapy, how to help their kids and really make the most of the opportunity. So Nicole, welcome to the show.

Nicole: Yeah, thank you so much for having me. I'm excited to be here.

Dr. Whitney: All right, so start with telling people you know who you are, what Dot Com Therapy is all about, why you created this, and why it felt like there was really a need in the marketplace.

Nicole: So like Dr. Whitney said, my name is Nicole Pounds. I work for Dot Com Therapy. I've been with this company since really close to the inception of it. Our founder, Rachel Robinson, started Dot Com Therapy in 2015 as really a need-based company, because she's a speech language pathologist. I'm also a speech language pathologist by trade. And as she was working with kids and clinics and hospitals, she realized that there were huge waiting lists in order to see a therapist. And so, in order to address that need, she started Dot Com Therapy, which is a primarily teletherapy company.That's how it started-- to meet this need, to get more access to therapy services, because we know that those wait lists are incredibly long. So Dot Com Therapy provides speech therapy, occupational therapy, and mental health therapy. Obviously with the pandemic the last few years, we have seen a huge mental health crisis come about for kids and teens especially. Really everyone, but you see this huge crisis when it comes to our kids.

And so we've really stepped in to provide extra resources in the mental health space especially. And so we partner primarily with school districts, but also employer organizations or other community-based organizations to be able to provide resources to families, including direct therapy services. So my personal role within the company is the director of community and content. So I am one of the people who get to put together all of our programming and resources for families. And then, as I said, I am a speech therapist by trade, so I've also done a lot of direct therapy prior to moving into this role. I'm also a parent of four, so I think that's relative to this conversation today. My oldest two are adopted through the foster care system and have some special needs. My second child has Autism and then my oldest is pretty complex medically. I know you kind of mentioned sensory sensitivity, but he has a lot of sensory needs as well. So we're kind of navigating all of that as a family too. So topics like this are near and dear to my heart. Just helping families find resources and get access to resources that they need.

Dr. Whitney: One of the biggest things on my heart always is so many of the career-focused women that I work with feel like it's all their fault. They feel like they're failing every day. They feel like they're trying their best and they're working so hard to make their families work and to make their jobs work and to make their homes work. And at the end of the day, they feel disappointed. They feel resentful, they feel sad, they feel like it's just not working. And so I'm really excited about resources like yours that hopefully help parents to work a little smarter, not harder, at finding solutions for their families, so that way they don't feel like they're just running on empty constantly, right? The goal is to find solutions and systems that actually work for you, not against you. So I love this. Now you mentioned speech therapy, occupational therapy, and traditional mental health therapy, like psychotherapy. So tell me about that, because of course, there was a need just for straight up mental therapy, but you guys really wanted to focus on something more holistic, the broader range of things. Talk to me and to people who maybe are listening who don't really understand what that's all about, like the why behind that and then what that actually looks like for families.

Nicole: Absolutely. So when we're looking at a child, their needs are so holistic and everything sort of plays off of one another. So when you're looking at a child who maybe struggling with something like anxiety, you really have to look at the root cause of what's causing that anxiety. And maybe that has something to do with the fact that they can't communicate appropriately, or maybe that has something to do with the fact that they are really sensitive to stimulation. And those three things that I just said include all three of those disciplines: So communication in the speech side, sensory sensitivity with OTs or occupational therapy and, in anxiety with mental health. And so everything is so connected when we're really looking at a person holistically. If you talk to some of our mental health therapists at Dot Com, they'll talk about building blocks of self-care, building blocks of mental wellness. And often the things that they talk about are things like sleep, things like nutrition. These things that sometimes you would find in what you would think of more as a medical resource, but they affect your mental health so much. So everything within just being a human being is so interconnected. And so we definitely have a heart to treat kids holistically and really focus on those developmental milestones, helping kids develop the areas of their life that they need help with. And we've just found that it's so interconnected.

Dr. Whitney: You know, in medicine we talk about this idea of genes plus environment and there is some wiring that people have, right? There's wiring that I have that's passed down from generations of anxious women in my family, that I'm never gonna get away from that. That's just the way I'm wired and actually, there's some pieces of that that have made me very driven and that've been helpful to me, right? And if I was living in a caveman world, it would've been super helpful for me to be really anxious because I would've been on my toes constantly. In this world, not as much, but still. So there's genes, but then there's also environment. And for me and my family, you guys can see me now, I'm in my office here. This is a new house that we just moved into and I wanna let you guys know about a personal story .

We had lived in a little shoebox house for a very long time and it was fine. No shade to shoebox houses, but we've been there for 12 years and we had our dog. It was a 40 pound dog. And then we had one kid and then we had another kid and then it's Portland. So then you really can't be outside most of the year because it's raining and whatnot. And over time it made it really difficult actually for my kids (who are both highly sensory seeking and also really sensitive to noise) to be able to relax and be in their own spaces, right? Someone would be loud, not even intentionally in a bad way, but just be kind of loud and it would be really overwhelming and you could see everybody kind of wind up, myself included.

And in this new home that we have, there's a bit more space. And I knew environmentally that everybody having their nook and cranny that they could retreat to if someone was having a tantrum, and my ability to pull that person over to someplace where nobody really could hear it very much, that that would be helpful for my entire family. Similarly, actually, we paired with another woman and her child we've known for a long time and they live in our basement now and they help to take care of my kids. And so we have this situation now, where environmentally I'm doing all the things that set us up for the most success. Environment's not gonna change everything, right? If you never change the thought patterns, if you don't address the speech issues or the sensory issues, it's not gonna change everything. You can't just go on vacation and move to Hawaii and everything's gonna be amazing, right? But I do think that environment, that sleep, that nutrition, that exercise, that fresh air, all those things, they make such a huge difference for parents, but also for kids. We can't minimize that. It's huge. So I love that you guys are focusing on that.

Nicole: Absolutely. And I think when we really think about what the root of what therapy is, it's looking at a person and individualizing our care path for them and being able to address the things that that family needs. And yeah, sometimes that is environmental things. That's things like finding social support, that's things like removing things from your physical space, like you're talking about with your family. Being able to have a space where if a child's having a meltdown, you can remove that person. So I think environment is very crucial when we're looking at a child's holistic wellness. And then when we're working with a therapist, they're able to teach these other skills that they need to learn.

If it's in the mental health space, maybe that's skills of positive self-talk.Maybe that's implementing practices like meditation or positive affirmations or like I mentioned, finding community or social support. You know, maybe that's helping a parent learn how to emotionally regulate themselves to be able to help their child emotionally regulate themselves. And all of that feeds off of one another. I was talking with an OT one time on the podcast that I host, Helping Kids Thrive with Dot Com and the OT mentioned during our conversation that parents have sensory sensitivity too. And it was this light bulb moment for me as a mom. No wonder I feel so overwhelmed all the time!

Dr. Whitney: Absolutely! Think about all the touching our kids do on us. It's terrible. You know, my little one still has this sensory thing where (I write about it in my book, so I'm not divulging too many of our secrets) she wants to still put her hand down my shirt and she's too old for it. She's almost seven, right? So I'm like, oh my God. But even the act of me having to constantly say, "Get off of me!" That's so taxing to a parent. The over touching, the smooching, the kissing, the smacking, all the things that happen with a kid when you are a parent. Not to mention the yelling that kids do to each other, the squabbling, the whining, all of those things, those build up for a parent too. Talk to me about this idea of some people, adults and kids, being highly sensitive. Because I think some people can just roll with it. My friend, the one that lives with us, people will be screaming and yelling and she's unphased. She might get to her edge once a year, but otherwise, it's like she's wired to not really care at all. Versus people start yelling, and immediately my senses turn up.

Nicole: I do think too, your past experiences have a lot to do with how sensitive you are, because I feel like my sensitivity has increased probably as I've added more children to my environment, really. So kids that are highly sensitive, or even just people in general who are highly sensitive, another kind of word or term for this is sensory processing sensitivity. So you'll hear this sometimes from mental health professionals, like a psychologist. But you'll also hear this in the occupational therapy space. I think occupational therapy, in my opinion, is one of those areas of specialty that sometimes a lot of people don't know about, but they're so important, because they deal with everything that is the day-to-day life of a child or a person. So when we think about occupations, it's not so much job relatedness, necessarily. But just the tasks that you're doing on a day-to-day basis. So for a kid, that would be school that would be cleaning your room or getting dressed, all of those kinds of things. So one of the things that occupational therapists work with a lot is sensory processing and helping kids be able to process this sensory stimulus that's in their environment.

So when we're talking about a highly sensitive person, it really is a person who has just this personal disposition to being sensitive to subtleties in their environment. A lot of times they're overly aroused easily by external stimuli. So you'll find that a lot with people who are highly sensitive. It's about 15 to 20% of the population who fall into this category. So it really is a good chunk of people. And like you're saying, when you're a mom or a kid, especially if you have a lot of people in your family, this can be a really huge issue. And they are just more aware of subtleties. My oldest son, I classify him as being highly sensitive, I need to be aware of even just small gestures of affection. But on the flip side, if I have a flicker of emotion because I'm upset, my son picks up on it immediately.

Dr. Whitney: 100%! It goes both ways. They're highly attuned if you have a sad look on your face and they go, are you okay? It's crazy.

Nicole: And you're like, I didn't want you to know that I wasn't okay. I didn't mean for you to pick up on that.

Dr. Whitney: What you were talking about with the idea of your past experience, it influences this. There is a trauma response that happens as well. So for the moms out there who maybe had a colicky baby or a baby who didn't sleep well and that trigger was that you heard them crying in the middle of the night and then now you hear crying from your kid and that it really triggers you. It brings you back to that moment when you didn't sleep and you felt so worried. Or maybe you have a kid who's in the middle of having a lot of meltdowns and so now maybe that's past and every time I hear somebody have a meltdown, it triggers me. Or maybe there's something in your own personal past, like your childhood, that something happened to you or you lived in a really conflictual household.

So now when people yell or people fight or they even just raise their voice or they have a stern look on their face that triggers you and you feel really sensitive. So all of these experiences accumulate. So if you're feeling something like, I feel terrible that I'm this highly sensitive person, gosh I need to just get it together. It might also be part of your learned experience and the way that your body and your nervous system tries to protect you, because it's had these more traumatic experiences and it's trying to tell you: we have to get out of this, this is dangerous for us, it's no good for us.

Nicole: Absolutely. I love that you bring up that trauma response too, because I think that adds in, and it's a whole other layer. It goes back to what I was talking about earlier about how integrated everything is when we're talking about just the human experience. I would say trauma is a different thing than being highly sensitive to external stimuli, but they go hand in hand. And if you've had some kind of traumatic experience, which by the way, childbirth can be incredibly traumatic. So if you're a person who's dealing with that, my heart is with you. But you know, if you've had these traumatic experiences in your life and then you're also a highly sensitive person who has all of these external stimuli in your life, those two things together can just create this sort of internal storm.

Dr. Whitney: Okay, talk to me about the therapy part because you guys are providing online virtual mental therapy and occupational speech. Talk to me about parents who are trying to get their kids motivated to come to the sessions, parents who are trying to get their kids to be more engaged in the sessions. Because that can be really difficult too. You're sitting here with the computer open, you paid the money, you want your child to participate and they're walking outta the room. Talk to me about that. How do we make this successful for parents and for kids when they're trying to engage in these sessions?

Nicole: Yes, absolutely. I'm glad that you asked this question. Dot Com Therapy does provide all teletherapy sessions. So we actually don't have any brick and mortar space.So everything we do is via teletherapy and our goal is really to work with families in that direct therapy space. But then also we just wanna support families holistically. So providing resources and training for families, providing support via parent coaching and working with families that way. I think those ways are also very supportive of families, which is great. When we're talking about a teletherapy session especially, I think that it's interesting that you bring up this conversation, because it can be an issue. And I think when we're talking about teletherapy for families, sometimes families get concerned about how it will work.

Will it be engaging for their kids? Will this be something that they will like to do? And I am a teletherapist and have been a teletherapist for several years. So I've sat on this side of the computer giving teletherapy, but I also have been the recipient of teletherapy personally and for my child. So my kids received occupational therapy via telemedicine. And so I've kind of sat on the parent side of things too. So I love this conversation. I think that number one, you need to find the right therapist and the right company to work with because teletherapy can be so engaging. It doesn't have to be something that's boring or hard.

But I feel especially when we went through the pandemic, all the schools went online. Everybody was pivoting to teletherapy. I know we had some of our therapists that worked for the school district that were suddenly pivoting to this and some of them pivoted very well and did a great job. And then some of them really, it was obvious, didn't wanna be providing teletherapy. It's just some people like it, some people don't. And it's not for every therapist and it's also not for every child. But if you are working with the right person, it can be engaging and it should be engaging. And that can be via the activities that are happening via the screen. So things like games online or flashcards online, even just the therapist holding up a book and working through your kids' emotions with that.

All of those kinds of things are techniques that you can use, but it can also be really engaging physically. And I always encourage therapists to include movement when they can. So I want families to know that it doesn't have to look like your child's sitting at a table with a therapist. When we had our therapists, I used to run around with my cell phone tracking them as they did obstacle courses in our house that we set up and they would go over the pillow forts and all kinds of things. So there's all kinds of ways that you can use teletherapy. So I think having the right therapist that's engaging and that's working with you and making this an individual experience for your child is important. So depending on their goals, that will look obviously different, depending on what they're looking at and the age of your child. If you're working with a teen, you might not be making a pillow fort. So I think the age of your child makes a big difference too.

But finding the right therapist and really engaging your child in an individualized manner is important. You can also do things like finding a quiet space for them to work in a separate room anytime that the parent can be there. Especially if you're working with a young child. If your child is an adolescent and they're doing mental health therapy, that might not be as appropriate. Especially young kids, it's lovely if a parent can be there just facilitating things, helping redirect their behavior, but also learning from the therapist. I absolutely actually prefer doing teletherapy with my own kids, because as a parent, I find it so empowering to be able to see what the therapist is doing, how they're queuing my kids, what they're working on every single session versus going to a clinic. Sometimes clinics will have that parent interaction and if they do, that's amazing, but sometimes they just wanna take your kid back to the room and you sit in the waiting room and then you don't even really know how to help your kid once they get home.

So I think having that interaction with the teletherapist right there in your home is so crucial and important and empowering as a parent. And, because it happens in the home environment, I think there's something extra special about that, because it's that child safe place. They are naturally more comfortable in that space. They naturally are more aware of the things and just familiar with the things that are in their environment, which I think makes a difference. And then when you're working on things like a picky eater or something like that, they can sit at their own table, they can eat their own food. They can be with their parents who are going to be sitting at the dinner table. So it makes a lot of sense, especially in certain situations and working on certain things. I just personally really love that. Because I think it's very empowering for families to be able to be involved in their kids' therapy like that.

Dr. Whitney: I think the other thing for working parents is just the travel time. You don't have to take your kids out of school for as long. You don't have to travel to an office. You don't have to make sure that you're there 20 minutes early so that you don't miss the appointment. It's so much simpler to jump on a zoom, even on your phone or on your computer. But that has been amazing for me, as a pediatrician, to be able to have more telehealth visits, and also for the therapists in my office. But I also love this idea, just for more access. Also for people who maybe live in a community where they don't have behavioral health providers really available. They don't have occupational therapy. It would take forever to get into speech. Those types of issues are really a big thing too. So tell me, in terms of access for you all, is it with insurance? Is it pay out of pocket? Are there super long wait lists? Talk about that piece of it. Because people, they're getting excited right now, thinking, oh my gosh, there's a resource with actual people that know what they're talking about online .

Nicole: I love that you bring that up. I actually feel like I forgot the most practical reasons why teletherapy is important. Being able to cut out that commute is huge. Being able to even step out of the room and toss clothes in the laundry while your kid's having a therapy session is huge. In terms of access, this is a huge reason that teletherapy is so important and is such a great resource for families, because, like I mentioned earlier, there are really big wait lists, especially for certain areas of specialty. Some therapists have more experience in a specific area or they have an additional certification or additional training in a specific area. So being able to match with therapists that have an extra area of expertise in what your child needs is also incredibly important.

So I can speak kind of from Dot Com Therapy’s perspective to the questions that you're asking about wait time and whether we take insurance and those kinds of things. Those are going to vary depending on the teletherapy company that you're working with. At Dot Com Therapy, we are matched with the insurance companies. So we do accept some forms of insurance. Obviously, we're not in-network for all insurance, as is no one. But we're continually adding to that list. And so we do accept insurance or you can pay out of pocket if we are out of network or that works better for your family for some reason.

We also have been working on a new model. We're moving into providing mental health therapy on a wider basis across school districts. So we actually are partnering with school districts and the school district is saying, "Hey, we recognize that mental health is a priority for our kids and our families and it needs to be a priority, but we need help being able to provide that therapy service." So they are agreeing to pay for X amount of therapy sessions for all of the students in their district. So some schools that we're partnering with are providing that access to care, which is really cool. To see that school district kind of come behind saying, "Hey, this is important. We wanna provide access to this." And then also working with them, we have access to all the families. It's not just kids on an IEP or kids that have been identified as having behavior problems or something like that. This can be for all kids, which is really cool in a district.

But we work with school districts and families and employers or organizations across the country. So we have therapists that are licensed kind of all over the place. So it will vary a little bit depending on where you're located as to which therapists from Dot Com you'd be able to work with, because they have to be licensed in that state of course. But yeah we service across the nation.

Dr. Whitney: I know that there are so many of you that are out there like, "Oh, I can't believe this resource is there and that I could potentially have my child meet with someone, sooner than later. I sit there in my office and give people referrals all the time. And more often than not, they come back and they said they were full. Or it's a one-year wait list. And so to be able to have a larger network, I think for people to consider accessing in a way that is more approachable for people is amazing. I'm sure you're not the end all, be all or the solution for every single family, but this type of solution I know is the wave of the future and is so helpful for families, especially since you're also holistic. I wanted to point people to your blog that is about highly sensitive kids on your website and also they can find out more about resources there. Is there another way they could access you? Any place else that they should be listening? You mentioned your podcast. I just want people to have all the cool resources about taking care of their kids and themselves.

Nicole: Absolutely. So yeah, the main place to find us dotcometherapy.com . That's our website. Like you said, we have a blog. We have parent resources on there. All of the information about how to partner with us, especially for schools and organizations. And yes, we do have a podcast. It's called Helping Kids Thrive. You can find us anywhere that you find podcasts. So Spotify, Apple Podcasts, all of those. Or you can find us on the website too. There's links to our podcast there too. And we do a podcast every other week. I actually host that podcast and we interview some experts in the field. So it's usually on a topic of child development, mental wellness, sensory sensitivity, all of these kinds of things we talk about on the podcast. Communication disorders, developmental milestones, anything in that parenting resource space. So yeah, those are great ways to find us.

Dr. Whitney: Awesome, Nicole. I love it. Thank you so much for being here. I know there are parents out there feeling so much more hopeful. Again, Nicole Pounds from Dot Com Therapy and we'll see you next time. Thanks Nicole.

PARTNER PROBLEMS: WHY YOU'RE GETTING ON EACH OTHER'S NERVES

Thu, 20 Jul 2023 18:30:00 GMT

In every relationship, there’s seasons where things just feel off. Where you aren’t connecting and you feel like you’re constantly on each other’s nerves. Or you’re always a little bit mad at each other.

Even better (or maybe worse) yet, one person is mad and the other has no clue. Which makes you even more mad. The worst fights I’ve had in my marriage have been when I’ve been mad for days and my husband doesn’t even know it. You better believe I’ve had some epic shower arguments in my head.

I always win.

It’s kinda like when you have a dream that your spouse cheated on you and you wake up mad. It’s not fair. It doesn’t make any sense. But that’s just the way it feels.

In any of those times where things just aren’t clicking, before you can make things right, you have to figure out WHY you’re actually feeling that way. I’m certainly not a marriage counselor, so, in the same way when a friend tells you to take tylenol for a headache that isn’t ACTUALLY medical advice, this isn’t meant to replace getting professional help if that’s what the situation calls for. If you’re not safe, you need to get out.

However, for those times when you’re about to lose your ish because he put the ketchup back on the wrong side of the refrigerator, let’s look at a few reasons why you might be on edge:

You’re having a silent competition over whose life is harder.

Silent is the key word. You aren’t actually having discussions to let your partner know that work was rough or that the kids kept you up all night. All you’re doing is just keeping tally in a competition where no one can win.

When there’s clearly a poopy diaper scent lingering in the room and he doesn’t immediately go to check it out and you remind yourself of the 4 you’ve changed since you got home. When your 8 year old has a bad dream and wants to crawl into your bed, but only wants to snuggle with you (which we all know means bruised ribs in the morning), you go through all the things you’re going to have to do in the morning before you head out the door that will be made infinitely harder with less sleep.

And while you’re clinging to the last 2” of your mattress and hear your husband happily snoring away, you only imagine smothering him with your pillow twice (for legal reasons, this is a joke.)

When these types of things are left unsaid, you’re only going to breed resentment. Which turns into anger. And before you know it, he leaves a sock next to the hamper and you lose your ever loving mind.

Be upfront when you’re having a hard day. Speak your truth when you’re making dinner about how it would be helpful to have help corralling the kids. Our partners are our partners and that means working together for each other’s good. Sometimes we have to be the one to take one for the team because they clearly communicated that tomorrow they have to be up early for a meeting. Or it can mean that you speak up to say that having him do bath time would really help you calm down from the day.

But clarity is key. They aren't mind readers and, as much as we’d like them to, aren’t always going to see that having just one kid in the bathroom while we try to pee isn’t exactly the same thing as self-care.

You’re not assuming the best of their intentions.

Have you had those conversations with your kids where you’re working through friendship issues with them that are so shockingly simple to us as adults?

“Milana didn’t sit with me today at lunch. I think she doesn’t want to be friends anymore.”

“Hmmm. That seems pretty unlikely because you’re a pretty great friend. Did you talk to her about it?”

“Well no. But then she was playing with Jayden at recess, so I bet she hates me and wants to be her best friend now.”

And then when they do finally talk about it, your kid realizes her friend was actually comforting someone else at lunch who wasn’t feeling well and by the time she got to recess she didn’t see your daughter so she joined in another game with someone else.

And you wanna be like, “Yeah. That seems about right.” It makes total sense when you can see people’s hearts and intentions in a situation. And, as adults, it’s a lot easier to have that perspective about our kids’ friends.

But in adult relationships? Much harder.

For weeks, I kept finding my husband’s water glasses sitting next to the sink on the counter. It was driving me crazy. Every time I would pick them up and put them in the dishwasher. Finally, one day I said (obviously very respectfully and rationally, yeah right ), “I can’t keep picking up after you. You have to put your glass in the dishwasher.”

And he said, “I always do. When I’m finished with them. But I’ve really been working on trying to make sure that I drink enough water every day so I’ve been leaving my glass by the sink to remind me to fill it up. But most days, my glass is always gone. So I just grab another one.”

Well shoot.

Obviously we BOTH could have communicated better on that one. But instead of just assuming he was being lazy and intentionally trying to make my life harder, a simple conversation could have changed everything about that.

I know that’s a silly example about cups, but it transfers to so many areas. When he buys you a treadmill for your birthday (I know, rocky ground), it’s really easy to make up a whole situation in your head that he thinks you're out of shape and is going to leave you for a skinnier, younger version.

When in reality, he had been actively listening to you talk about how you wish you had more time to work out and it was really hard to find time to get to the gym between work and the kids and how you really missed running like you used to when you were in college.

Assuming the best about your partner’s intentions, remembering why you are with them, and why you love them diffuses so many arguments before they even start.

So when he makes a remark during dinner that his mom used to make lasagna with beef instead of turkey, you can remember that he doesn’t have a passive aggressive bone in his body and he’s probably just remembering his mom fondly. Rather than telling him where he can put his lasagna.

You don’t each have your own things that interest you.

This is such a big one. I’m all for having common interests and activities that you can do together. That’s actually super healthy.

But if you don’t have AAANYTHING that you both enjoy separately, it’s way too easy to lose your own identity, especially as a mom. When your whole self is wrapped up in this person and taking care of your kids, you can forget what makes you, you.

And the same goes for your partner.

Being so enmeshed in each other’s lives is a beautiful, beautiful thing. As long as you can still remember and love who you are as an individual.

These seasons of just feeling pissy are totally normal. But when you try to keep these areas in check, you’ll find that they are much milder and much farther between.

Want someone who’s got YEARS of experience in this area to come alongside you and walk you through step by step how to make this happen in your life? Check out my 1:1 Coaching.

GETTING YOUR KIDS THE HELP THEY NEED WITH DOT COM THERAPY

Thu, 13 Jul 2023 18:15:00 GMT

Nicole: Yeah, thank you so much for having me. I'm excited to be here.

Dr. Whitney: All right, so start with telling people you know who you are, what Dot Com Therapy is all about, why you created this, and why it felt like there was really a need in the marketplace.

Dr. Whitney: 100%! It goes both ways. They're highly attuned if you have a sad look on your face and they go, are you okay? It's crazy.

Nicole: And you're like, I didn't want you to know that I wasn't okay. I didn't mean for you to pick up on that.

Nicole: Absolutely. I love that you bring up that trauma response too, because I think that adds in, and it's a whole other layer. It goes back to what I was talking abou t earlier about how integrated everything is when we're talking about just the human experience. I would say trauma is a different thing than being highly sensitive to external stimuli, but they go hand in hand. And if you've had some kind of traumatic experience, which by the way, childbirth can be incredibly traumatic. So if you're a person who's dealing with that, my heart is with you. But you know, if you've had these traumatic experiences in your life and then you're also a highly sensitive person who has all of these external stimuli in your life, those two things together can just create this sort of internal storm.

SNAPPING AT YOUR KIDS? HERE'S WHY

Thu, 06 Jul 2023 18:30:00 GMT

If I had a nickel for every time I heard a mom say that they wished they didn’t yell so much at their kids, I would be a gazillionaire.

Psssh.

Gimme a penny and I’d still be able to retire by the time I’m 40.

As a pediatrician, I hear it all the time. You wake up each morning already feeling like you don’t have enough to give to your kids. They push your buttons as you get ready all morning. You snap at them because they left toothpaste on the counter. You snap at them because they were fighting. You snap at them because no one can find socks.

By the time you get to work you’re feeling hella guilty and tell yourself you’ll be so much more patient when you pick them up this afternoon. That lasts 4 minutes into the car ride until everyone is too loud, you realize you don’t have dinner at home, and your boss calls to tell you to come in early tomorrow.

I’ve lived this life.

It’s full of a constant cycle of shame, disappointment, and regret.

But here’s the deal: You aren’t snapping at your kids because you’re a terrible mom. You’re snapping at your kids because you’re burnt out because you don’t have the tools and systems set up in your life to be the amazing mom that you absolutely can be.

If I’ve learned anything from being a working mom, I know that having those systems in place is LIFE. Here are three areas that, when they’re dialed in, make the biggest difference for me and allow me to feel like I have SO much more margin.

Parenting in Partnership

One of the quickest ways to burn yourself out is to try to do all the things, for all the people. If you’re the one responsible for meals, cleaning, chauffeuring kids, the budget, making appointments, AND maintaining your job, you will quickly lose steam. Which, for me, brings out the rage monster.

Having a conversation with your partner to divvy up responsibilities based on gifts and time will take such a huge weight off your shoulders. If every morning you didn’t have to pack lunches for day care AND find the kids clothes (that you washed) AND make breakfast, things like toothpaste on the counter is a lot less likely to trigger you.

When my girls are in school, I’m responsible for their lunches and my husband makes our breakfast. Because I pack them the night before, that frees up my time to be able to keep the kiddos on track for getting ready. But I don’t have to worry about figuring out what they’re going to eat or getting in on the table before we fly out the door. Not my problem :)

If you’re solo parenting, give yourself grace upon grace. But also be creative in looking at people in your village that you can split responsibilities with. Carpool is an easy one, but maybe there’s a neighbor that you can even do lunch swaps with!

Nighttime and Morning Routines

I’ve said it before, but it’s worth noting again: you don’t have to get up an hour before your kids in order to be a calm, caring parent. But I do think that having SOME sort of structured routine is going to give you so much more peace in your home. Lazy Genius author, Kendra Adachi uses a “magic” question to give herself more productivity without having to be doing 24/7: What can I do now to make something easier later?

What can you do in this moment that will help “later you”? Setting up the coffee pot the night before, setting out kids clothes, pulling meat from the freezer, checking the pantry before you head to the store. All things that will take 4 seconds to do, but make a huge difference.

That’s how I view nighttime and morning routines. What can you do now that will help you later? Planning out a week of car-friendly snacks to have on hand when you pick up the kids so that the hangry battles don’t take over in the car. Reviewing your meeting schedule the night before so you can have all your documents prepped. Little things like this don’t have to overwhelm you–and they make the biggest difference!

Planning Your Self-Care In Advance

Nothing activates Screaming Mom Mode in me more than not taking care of myself. When I can feel The Yells coming on, I almost always can take a look back and realize I haven’t had a moment by myself in a few days. Or it’s been a week since I’ve moved my body more than from the car to the house and back.

If your self-care looks like a girls night once a month, get it on the calendar. And if it falls through, go hang by yourself. If it’s hiking once a week, make sure you’ve got childcare arranged and back ups ready to go. If the biggest thing that helps you is 5 minutes in your car before you head in the house after work, set a reminder on your phone (“Siri, remind me every day when I get home to sit and relax.” Seriously, get those location services turned on. It’s the best.)

Snapping at your kids isn’t about the things in the moment. Sure, the mess is obnoxious, the noise is a lot, and the pressure can add up. But when you snap, it’s usually about all the things bubbling underneath that left you depleted of your coping skills.

But by consistently taking care of yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally, you’re getting ahead of all that. You’re filling yourself up so you can be at your best when others need you. And there’s nothing selfish about that.

I mean, sex is great. But have you ever had all the laundry done in your house at once? Toe Curling.

Want someone who’s got YEARS of experience in this area to come alongside you and walk you through step by step how to make this happen in your life? Check out my 1:1 Coaching.

HOW TO CHOOSE THE RIGHT GEAR FOR YOUR NEW BABY WITH BABY LIST

Tue, 04 Jul 2023 22:40:13 GMT

Dr. Whitney: Hello everyone and welcome back to the Modern Mommy Doc Podcast. I am Dr. Whitney, your host, and today I'm here with Karen Reardenz, Director of Editorial and Brand for Baby List. Karen, welcome to the show.

Karen: Thank you. It's so nice to be here.

Dr. Whitney: So we are going to talk today about all things baby gear and find out what the must-haves really are that people need when they have young babies and children. But we're also gonna talk about supporting moms and dads and caregivers on their journey when they have little ones. And I know that Baby List is all about that, in addition to providing suggestions for things that people can buy or asked to be gifted or put on baby registries. So Karen, as we start out, why don't you introduce yourself? Tell us about who you are, your journey toward being in this position, and what you do at Baby List.

Karen: So I come from a career of journalism. I worked at the San Francisco Chronicle in San Francisco for many years on the digital side. I learned a lot and have a deep love of providing people with service content. So I worked in the lifestyle departments, but still it was focused on things like, how do you spend your time? How do you spend your money? How do you really help people? And I loved it. And then I got kind of burnt out on the 24 hour news cycle. It's really exhausting. You're working really long hours. The media business is a tough business to be in from a financial standpoint. We had lots of layoffs. And at the same time, I'm also a mom. I think my daughter was about six when I moved positions.

I was commuting into the city and it was just a lot. So I started asking myself, where else can I go? What can I do? Because I'd been doing it for a long time. I started bouncing around to a few different marketing roles that were more general marketing roles and just wasn't quite the thing for me. And I really missed that sort of service aspect of really helping people with content. And I found Baby List and it was a really perfect spot to sort of reset. It's a brand, but it's a brand that really has a deep respect for content, for service journalism, and for really helping people. And so it was really exciting. It was a very, very small team at Baby List at the time, but an even smaller content team.

And we were really able to sort of build what that looked like and the brand voice and our mission. And that's really to create content to help people. Obviously it has business objectives. But at the end of the day, it's really helping serve this audience of new and expecting parents who really need guidance. And there's a lot of content out there. Some of it is noisy and just trying to get you to buy things. Some of it is a very strong point of view that might be trying to make you feel bad about yourself or your decisions. And so we really wanted to put forward medically accurate, medical-based content product guidance that is really about you and your decisions and arming you with the facts and things that you need to know. And then you can make the decision that's right for your family. Whether it's a decision on to how to feed your baby or whether it's what stroller to buy.

Dr. Whitney: I can totally appreciate what you're talking about in terms of career shifts or changes for myself. That's how I feel about my job as a physician. There's just this rigmarole of procedures over and over and over again. Of course, illnesses never stop. People never stop growing up and needing care. And so you just feel things repeating over and over and over. And when I found Modern Mommy Doc, I was so excited because I'm getting to actually dive a little deeper and feel like I do deep work every single day. That really matters. So I still love seeing patients, but this part of my life just feeds me so much. So I can appreciate as you moved over to Baby List, wanting to be in that space where you can say, hold on, let's just pause for a second and think about what would be really useful to people--as opposed to what do they need to know right now?

Karen: Or chasing page views or writing about a Kardashian, which, love them, but it's a lot.

Dr. Whitney: Yes, absolutely. The other piece that I'm so interested in knowing about is you talked about making Baby List recommendations, making sure that they're medically accurate, making sure that they're actually gonna be helpful for people, so people don't end up spending their money or getting gifts that actually are gonna be harmful to a baby or that won't actually work. What's the process you all go through to make sure that happens? Is there a research process? Because there's lots of stuff on the internet. People could find a list of things to buy anywhere and everywhere.

Karen: Yes, totally. So from a gear and product perspective, we have a team of editors. Our gear editor is amazing. She's a mom of two. She always says," My husband's getting a little upset because the garage is filled with strollers and car seats." So she's constantly getting new products to test, really testing them out, giving them to friends, different lifestyles, and different kinds of families. And then does a lot of research and does user reviews. We also do user surveys of our own audience annually to get their feedback on what their favorite products are and why. So we're taking in all of this different data. Then we have data of what people are registering for, what people are buying, what is on registries. And so we kind of take all of that and then make our product recommendations.

Something like car seats, strollers, baby monitors, carriers, these heavier decision items, we do a lot more research on. Baby clothes are maybe a lower lift because, sure, we want cute stuff and as long as they're safe, that's all that matters and they're regulated. So, that's kind of our process for gear guides and product guides.

And then from more of our health and wellness content, we talk to doctors, we talk to experts and we include that in there. We cite medical research within the articles so we can try to give a balanced point of view. We're not saying if you do X, you're a terrible parent, but here are the pros and cons of these different things. And now you're armed with the information to either go talk to your doctor or your healthcare provider or to make the decision yourself.

Dr. Whitney: That really matters, because I'm always torn. I love that we are living in a world where everybody gets to have an opinion, where people can be self-advocates, and that people can make choices. I hate the idea of paternalistic medicine. I think we did a lot of harm to people with that. And at the same time, I think sometimes what gets lost when it's a free for all on the internet is that there's no standard by which to judge a product, to judge gear, to judge something medically. So I love the idea of you all putting out content that says there might be some cons you need to consider. Or here are the pros you can consider. And then yes, please, please, please come talk with us at your doctor's office, at the pediatrician's office. The American Academy of Pediatrics puts out a lot of information about recalls to us, so we hear about that first. We also hear about when they say policy changes, where they don't want people using certain types of gear. The Rock-and-Play was a good example of that. For a while everybody was using Rock-and-Play. I used Rock-and-Play with my kids. And then we had to tell everybody really quickly, do not do that, because at this point, The American Academy has said, please don't.

Karen: I think the sleep space is really so confusing for parents because it's such a visceral time. You have this new baby, no one's sleeping, no one understands one another. You're like, I have this baby, I don't know what to do. If you gave birth, you just went through this very large life change and physical experience. You're exhausted, you're hormonal, and you're really desperate. You just want your baby to sleep. There are all these products on the market like the Rock-and-Play that people think are going to be the magic bullet. But then there are these safety issues. And I think we see that a lot with some of the recalls or the safety guidance coming out now that makes it very confusing for parents.

Is it okay for my baby to sleep in the car seat? What if they fall asleep? All of these things I think are very confusing to a new parent. And then they're thinking, how do I weigh that I really need to get some sleep versus the baby's safety. And we take that seriously, so we have safe sleep guidelines within our own organization, but at the same time, we know the baby's gonna fall asleep on you or the baby's gonna fall asleep in the car seat. We wanna be able to present that information to people where we can say, here are the guidelines if this happens. Wake up, move them to the bassinet or the crib. You don't wanna make people feel judged or guilty for things that they do, but you really wanna arm them with the decision making and feel empowered to make the decisions for themselves.

Dr. Whitney: Yeah, for sure. You know, one thing that I always remind parents is it was not evolutionarily the way that it is now, thousands and thousands of years ago, right? Even hundreds of years ago, we all slept with our babies. We slept in like a hut in one room together and there were children that died in that situation. So we don't recommend that, but everybody slept a lot better. And we didn't have the same decisions that we have to make now, back then when everyone was sleeping in that really cozy way. So it makes sense that sleep is difficult as our bodies are evolutionarily wired to be connected to our babies 24/7, basically in that fourth trimester after they're born. So that makes sense. The other thing I tell people is separating out your sleep needs from your baby's sleep needs is one of the most important things you can do. The old adage was sleep when your baby sleeps. And that works for some people, but for a lot of people it makes more sense to find someone else to take care of your baby when they're awake, when you need to sleep. So that way, you get the rest you need and you don't have this expectation on your infant who is not developmentally ready to actually sleep for the extended periods of time that you hope and wish and pray and see in social media. Because a lot of that's just not real. They're unicorn babies.

Karen: I'm a hundred percent in line with what you're saying, particularly around prioritizing yourself in that time. I think in general with motherhood and parenthood, you have to make sure that you are still a person and you're still your own person. You change so much during parenthood, in many different ways. But at the end of the day, you're still your own person and you still have your own interests and you still have your own needs and priorities. If you are not taking care of you and not just your sleep, but you as a whole person, you're not giving your best. You're not taking care of your baby. You really have to prioritize yourself in certain ways and it feels selfish. It feels like you're just supposed to be here to care for this new human. That's true, but you need to care for yourself too or ask for help or find people who will also help care for you too.

Dr. Whitney: You have a lot of content about that on Baby List as well, right? I mean you have content that's about the gear itself, the products themselves, but then also on supporting parents and giving information about what's normal and what's not for babies as well.

Karen: Yes, definitely. Obviously the product guides are sort of our bread and butter as a registry company. But we definitely have a lot of content to help support people if they're pregnant in their pregnancy journey or the fourth trimester. We're building out a ton of content around that. And then we're expanding into parenting content. So for at least through two years,we really want to help support both the parent in that journey, but also understanding what's happening with your baby, what questions to ask, and then what to look for both from product guidance as well as from a mental health perspective too.

Dr. Whitney: I love that. And of course you guys can head to ModernMommyDoc.com for more of that from us too, for all of the self-care info from babyhood and beyond. So I wanna hear from you, because you've been doing this for a while and you're the expert at it. Are there certain products that you all see parents gravitating toward that you see as such a huge waste of money? Either a category or things that you find that people really wanna spend money on, but it doesn't matter. And then vice versa. What are the things that you find that are so helpful to parents that again and again and again, you're including on your list?

Karen: We talk about this a lot, particularly around what is a waste of money. And it's so funny because one person's trash is something that another person could never live without. Like baby warmers. This is a super unpopular opinion amongst the Baby List crowd, but I could never get the hang of a breastfeeding pillow. I just could not understand how to make it work. Everyone else on the Baby List staff, it's among their top five and tell everyone you need one for all these different areas of your house. And so it just really goes to show how individual those things are. In the early stages, I think swaddles are amazing. There are many different kinds out there. I, as a parent, could never really get the hang of the muslin swaddles. I couldn't figure out how to wrap them myself.

But that are others that are the two-in-ones that are great! You just make them so cozy and then you get the amazing post-swaddle baby stretch, which is just the cutest thing in the world. I think that those are amazing. I think that there are a lot of really tried and true brands out there. I think particularly in the car seat space, you can get a ton of really good, affordable, safe car seats. Carter's clothing is amazing. It's affordable, it's cute. They have body suits with two-way zippers, which make things so much easier for diaper changing. They're soft. You can wash them a ton.

Dr. Whitney: The other big thing I would tell people is when you're going out with your baby, less is sometimes more. I remember the first time we went out to lunch after my baby's checkup at the office when she was a week old. We went out to lunch and I had a travel breastfeeding pillow, a full diaper bag, and a little mini hand pump. I mean I had so many things from the car into the restaurant and I just made it actually even more difficult to be there. It was so uncomfortable and difficult and I couldn't find my things. And so I've learned, over time, to minimize as much as possible. Store that stuff at your house, for sure. But just be selective about what you're bringing out with you, because the more you're carting around, the more difficult that it can be.

Karen: And it also makes it stressful for you too, having all of those things. Are you going to pump at lunch? Do you need three different blankets? Babies come with a lot of stuff, but it makes it harder when you've got it all out with you.

Dr. Whitney: Now I saw you live in Alameda, California. I'm from the Bay Area, as well, and I have always lived on the west coast or east coast. I went to medical school on the east coast. And so I wonder also, do you all see differences in terms of what people are into when they're bicoastal or when they're in central? Urban settings versus less urban settings? What's been the difference there?

Karen: We see some brand differentiation on the east coast versus west coast. We started as a west coast based Oakland, Bay area company. So from a west coast perspective, we're always like, oh, I never see that brand. And then we'd go to New York and you just see them everywhere. So definitely a brand differentiation. And we definitely see differences in urban versus less urban.

We see lightweight strollers, baby carriers, things like that in urban settings where you are almost using your stroller as a car in certain ways. You need a good basket, so you can go to the local store and fill up on groceries. You also wanna lightweight stroller if you're in a walkup apartment. Storage is definitely something important in cities because of smaller spaces, so people are looking for high chairs that fold really easily or strollers that fold really easily that you can store places or self self-standing fold.

And then from a more suburban area, you see things where people are using jogging strollers and bigger strollers because they can put it in the garage or they just store it in the back of the car. And then terrain too. People are using them in different settings. And then obviously weather affects choices in clothes, stroller accessories, your winter muffs, things like that that.

Dr. Whitney: Awesome. Well Karen, I think this has been amazing. I think a lot of people, actually myself included really, probably didn't know how vast a resource or how broad a resource Baby List was and how you all are providing more support. But then also I love how intense you are about trying to make sure that the content is actually really helpful and that it's well researched, so that it's safe for parents. Because, like I said, there's so many sites out there, so we wanna make sure that people are going to sites that are actually gonna be reputable and provide them with helpful recommendations versus just ways to squander money. So thank you for being here. How can people find more about Baby List? How can they get on their registries? How does it work in terms of them accessing all the information that you have?

Karen: So anyone can access the content information. You don't have to have a baby registry. You can Google "best car seats" and we come up. If you wanna create a Baby List registry, you can go to babylist.com and sign up there and create your registry. We have amazing emails that are both for the expecting parent and the new parent audiences, full of lots of great information that really helps meet them at the stage that they're in. You can follow us on social. We have an amazing TikTok with tons of really fun, entertaining product information. Also emotional content that makes you laugh, makes you cry. We also have the Baby List app, which if you have a registry, you can do a lot of research and add things through that.

Dr. Whitney: All right, thank you so much for being here. And you guys head on over to babylist.com or check them out on social. Until next time.

WORLD'S MOST BURNED-OUT MOM: THE TITLE YOU NEVER KNEW YOU DIDN'T WANT

Thu, 22 Jun 2023 12:15:00 GMT

This year’s winner burned the candle at both ends. She got up at 5am every day so she could have peace and quiet to herself, made her kids’ breakfasts and lunches each morning, got them to school on time, and worked at her job harder than anyone else – so that there would be no question of her abilities and loyalty when she left to pick her kids up from school every day.

She never quite believed that everyone saw how hard she worked, so after she did homework with her kids, got dinner on the table, got them to practice, and did bath and bedtime, she took a few hours before she went to sleep to put in some more time for her job. She had to make sure that all those times she had to duck out a few minutes early for a kid’s appointment or to watch their play at school were not going to keep her from moving up the corporate ladder.

As if that all wasn’t enough, this year’s winner was exhausted from the time she woke up to the time she went to bed. She never put any priority on taking care of herself – always making sure everyone else had everything they needed. She’s short with her kids when they ask to spend time with her and she’s so run down, that she definitely doesn’t have time or energy to have a real connection with her husband. What an example for all of us.

She is the epitome of what a Burned Out Mom should be. This year’s winner of the World’s Best Burned Out Mom iiiiiiiissss…

You.

Me.

It’s all of us.

We know there’s no ceremony like this (and if there was, we’d still be getting the kids ready, running around with half our hair curled, while trying to get our daughter to PLEASE just put on the dress), but yet most of us moms are acting day in and day out as if we were in the running to get this very prestigious award.

I have to take a second to remind you that your kids aren’t better off the more burned out you are. Your house isn’t better off. Your marriage isn’t better off.

Maybe I’m not burned out. Maybe I’m just tired. Kids are tiring.

True.

But there’s a difference.

And before you can take steps to correct it, you have to identify it as a problem.

A burned out mama:

-feels short tempered with her kids or partner a LOT.

-feels emotionally depleted like she’s got nothing left to give.

-feels guilty about her thoughts around her family and how much she does/doesn’t do and their reactions towards her

-Has EXTREME mental fatigue or physical exhaustion. Sun up to sun down.

-Feels disconnected from those around her, including her family

-Never feels like she’s enough

There’s lots of ways to combat burnout, including really being open with your partner and those in your village, asking for help, and learning to delegate. But I think the biggest one that moves the needle for moms is finding pockets of time that are just for her.

I’m not saying you need to find a quiet hour in your home every day. That’s simply not possible. But can you stay in the bathroom for 5 extra minutes to splash some water on your face? Can you take the first 10 minutes after your kids go to bed to stretch and get in some movement? Can you sit in your car for a few minutes before you head into work, put on your favorite dance jam, and just let go?

These extra minutes don’t solve it all. Absolutely not. But they set your day on a course that lets you have more margin. And THAT will take you from burned out to a life you love.

Want someone who’s got YEARS of experience in this area to come alongside you and walk you through step by step how to make this happen in your life? Check out my 1:1 Coaching.

TURNING OUR KIDS' DIFFERENCES INTO SUPERPOWERS WITH AUTHOR MONICA BERG

Mon, 05 Jun 2023 16:00:00 GMT

Dr. Whitney: Today we’re talking with the author of The Gift of Being Different, Monica Berg and it’s a fantastic book for kids that teaches them that their differences make them strong. So welcome to the show!

Monica: You know, it definitely is a book for kids, but I’ve gotten so much feedback from parents and adults that after having read it, they’re really relating! They’re able to process things that happened in their childhood now as adults and we’re noticing that this doesn’t just affect kids. It’s an issue we all have.

Dr. Whitney: I think every single human has thought things about feeling different. That they don’t seem to be like everyone else or they don’t have their life together like everyone else.

Monica: When we actually acknowledge our differences, it allows us to be more cohesive. But when we’re just trying to blend in and be the same as everyone else, that’s when we notice differences more and start to judge each other. It’s really backwards.

Dr. Whitney: Tell us about the inspiration for the book. Why did you want to write it and how did it come about?

Monica: When my youngest was 8, she was really struggling to read and write. Where most of her classmates were starting to get into chapter books, she was struggling with single sentences. But on the flip side, she could create these complex thoughts and problem solve in a way that kids her age couldn’t understand. So teachers were really confused and it wasn’t immediately clear that what she was struggling with was dyslexia.

When we got that diagnosis, I really wanted to make sure I understood it so that I could present it to her in a way that didn’t make her feel less than. And in order for her to see that it was truly a learning difference, she had to understand what a difference was. Because of a lot of life circumstances happening around us, I hadn’t had a chance to sit and explain it well to her.

So one day we were getting ready and she asked me, “Am I getting all of this extra help because I’m stupid?” And I obviously had to take that moment right then to explain to her. And that became the book, which is one in a 10 part series. These heart to heart conversations on life and how to approach these things, transitioning the thoughts around what you think is your worst thing and how it’s actually your best thing.

Dr. Whitney: I will circle back around to that in a second, but first tell me about getting the diagnosis. As a pediatrician, I know it can be tricky to jump through all those hoops. Was it easy to get it? Did you struggle with it?

Monica: I think the first thing parents need to do is be informed. You want to be able to talk to your kids about what they’re going through because you don’t want them to feel ashamed or like they have to keep it a secret. They’re going to notice learning differences between themselves and their peers so if you can have conversations about what makes everyone different as a good thing, they’re able to feel more confident in it. So when you’re informed, you have options and you can decide what to do with the information.

And it really allowed me to frame it for her in a way that empowered her. She could see people that had dyslexia too and step into the fact that this is her superpower.

Dr. Whitney: I love that. We had a similar situation with my daughter when we got her autism diagnosis. Before we had the official word, she talked about having this “Elsa” inside of her. And that when she got angry, her ice went everywhere. But when she could harness it, it created something beautiful.

Once we got her diagnosis, she told us she wasn’t autistic and she didn’t want to have it because, to her, that was the same as the kids who had lots of behavioral problems at school or who couldn’t talk (which we know those kids are just differently and beautifully wired as well). But I started to research other people who were wired similar to her and wanted to show her this list of all these great people that are doing great things, BECAUSE of the way their brains worked. And so when we started reading books about these people, she was able to relate and feel valuable and seen.

Monica: The way differences have been viewed for a long time is that we need to help these people become more comfortable in society. When in reality, the rest of us need to become more tolerant and conscious of the fact that everyone is different, but some people’s differences are more obvious. I would guess that once you got the diagnosis, she probably started to behave a little bit differently. You had less expectations on her and she felt seen and heard. And she had a place to be the beautiful girl that she is.

And that’s the point of the book: enough of this cookie cutter idea that people need to change in order to make us feel more comfortable or that they need to change because that’s the way the world is or how it’s always been.

Dr. Whitney: You’re absolutely right. Her behavior changed and my behavior changed. We were able to help her articulate where she was in a decision making process. Do you not want to go to the party because you just don’t want to be in a crowd? Or because you know you probably would enjoy yourself when you’re there, but the thought of going makes you feel anxious? One we’re going to push through and one we’re just going to let it be.

Monica: Love that. I listened to a conversation between my daughters where she was asking for help with math homework for a friend who was over. She said, “I don’t understand it. Can you help us?” There wasn’t any negativity or self-loathing message, which is how differences were framed when I grew up. But when we can help them see that we’re all different and some are just more noticeable, we’re creating healthier adults!

Dr. Whitney: Tell me about writing this with your daughter. Were there parts that you had to rewrite because her experience was different than yours? Or things that she really wanted to include?

Monica: What’s really cool is that she is the narrator, but it’s just based on life. So it’s our conversations, it’s our experiences. So there were parts that she would say, “I wouldn’t say that” or “I’d do that differently”, but we were able to do things in this very messy, organic way that I think is magic.

Dr. Whitney: It’s been so interesting to see how this generation of parents are being really intentional about the care they’re giving to their children. And seeing that mind-body connection. I imagine that undiagnosed dyslexia could give her anxiety or depression if she was feeling stupid all the time and no one was telling her that she wasn’t.

Monica: There was only a few months from the time that we really noticed the problem until we got her diagnosis, so I don’t think she was hanging out in those kinds of feelings for very long. But now that the book is out, I’m hearing stories from her about how she felt at school that I’ve never heard before. And it’s been really great to open up those conversations about it.

Dr. Whitney: Has she gone on any promotional tours with yo u?

Monica: Not yet, we are pitching it though. She’s done podcast episodes and even interviewed my husband myself on our podcast and is loving it. When we do book signings or we are sending a book to someone and enclosing a letter and she misspells a word, she can see it as her uniqueness and beauty. And the letters we get from kids and parents are so wonderful! We’ve been able to bond with strangers over this because everyone is going through something hard and that’s part of life. Every challenge there’s a beautiful gift waiting, but you have to be able to change the way you see it.

Dr. Whitney: So many kids are able to see themselves as the awesome superheroes they are because of these types of books and conversations. Where can people find out more about you and the rest of your books?

Monica: You can purchase all my books on Amazon. My podcast is Spiritually Hungry and they can also find me on i nstagram or on my blog .

YOU'RE NOT A FAILURE. YOUR SYSTEM IS

Mon, 22 May 2023 16:30:00 GMT

Last night we were snuggling as a family and watching a show with our kids before they went to bed. I hopped up to go to the bathroom at a commercial and, when I came back, my youngest asked me if she could have a snack.

I said, “Did you wait for me to come out of the bathroom so you could ask me for a snack? While you literally snuggle up to your daddy? You know he can answer stuff too, right? He understands how snacks work.”

Her answer, “Well, you just know where everything is.”

I think my eyes are still rolling.

It got me thinking about our roles in our house and how some re-teaching has had to be done ov er the last couple of years. I’ve had to re-teach my kids that mommy is not the only one who knows how to open fruit snacks, tie shoes, and fill water bottles.

But the b iggest thing was re-training ALL of us that I am not the end all, be all when it comes to managing our home. I’m not the sole-keeper of our schedule. Or the only person who knows how to run the washing machine. Or get groceries for our family.

And that’s not me bashing on my husband as a lazy, good for nothing dude. Far from it. He’s incredibly hard working. I just got into the habit of taking it all on. Of being in charge of everyt hing. And then doing all the execution as well.

Why would anyone do that? Simple: I didn’t know any different. I thought I needed to take it all on because I assumed no one would want to or be willing to help. So my only option was me.

But the result wasn’t pretty. I got resentful. Angry that no one was helping me, furious that they weren’t reading my mind about how overwhelmed I was. My husband got too detached from being an integral part of our family and having that close connection with our kids that he craves. And then he ends up feeling resentful as well–like he’s just a houseguest in his own home.

To keep us both sane and happy, we started having weekly family meetings to divide and conquer on “The Swappables”—all the tasks and responsibilities I’m so tempted to take on, but know I shouldn’t. And that doesn’t mean just handing off the things I don’t want to do to my husband. It’s a combination of things like delegating to our kids, dividing household tasks based on strengths and desires, and deciding what we can automate, hire someone else to do, or what we can opt out of.

For us, some of that looks like this:

Scott takes care of all things dog maintenance and feeding.

I tackle all the monthly bills (and have every single recurring one on autopay).

The kids have to clean their own rooms before they start any screen time.

Don’t feel like you have to jump into all of this at once. If you had to think of ONE thing that is your biggest time suck, what would it be? Do you HAVE to be doing it? Or could you hand it off to someone else, automate it in some way, or simply opt out of it altogether?

Need some specifics on how to help team meetings with your significant other? Check out our Parenting in Partnership Lesson in the Modern Mamas Club App !

OPTIMIZING YOUR METABOLISM AND YOUR HEALTH WITH COLLEEN CUTCLIFFE, PHD, FROM PENDULUM

Fri, 05 May 2023 20:45:32 GMT

#sponsoredepisode

Did you realize how much your gut microbiome influences your metabolism, your weight and your overall health?

Dr. Whitney talks with Colleen Cutcliffe, PhD, CEO and Co-Founder of Pendulum Therapeutics about how the gut microbiome works, optimizing the way your body handles the nutrients you consume, and choosing a probiotic that really works.

Colleen Cutcliffe, PhD, is the CEO and Co-Founder of Pendulum. She has over 15 years of experience leading and managing biology teams in academia, pharmaceuticals and biotechnology. Prior to starting Pendulum, Colleen was the Senior Manager of Biology at Pacific Biosciences and a Scientist at Elan Pharmaceuticals. Colleen received her Ph.D. in Biochemistry and Molecular Biology from Johns Hopkins University and her B.A. in Biochemistry from Wellesley College.

About Pendulum :

Pendulum optimizes the metabolism of sugar and carbohydrates, reducing sugar cravings and energy slumps, boosting sugar and carb metabolism, AND supporting a healthy weight.

Pendulum understands that whole-body health and wellness is tied to the complex ecosystem of microorganisms that is the microbiome, and that addressing imbalances in the microbiome transform people’s lives from the inside.

Their mission is simple: to improve the lives of millions through microbiome products. To that end, they create products that have the power and efficacy of a pharmaceutical with the safety and accessibility of a probiotic.

To accomplish their mission, they developed an entirely new product–a medical probiotic. Medical probiotics are the bridge between nature and medicine, helping restore our bodies to their peak balance.

To learn more about Pendulum Therapeutics AND to get 20% off your first month of Pendulum membership, go to www.pendulumlife.com and use code MODERN20.

PODCAST NOTES:

Dr. Whitney: Today we’re talking with Colleen Cutcliffe, PhD from Pendulum and I’m really excited because there’s a personal connection in here for me. Colleen, tell us about Pendulum and how you got started. It’s a really exciting story!

Colleen: I’m always excited to talk about the latest and greatest in microbiome research. I have a background in basic science research, I have a PhD in biochemistry and molecular biology from Johns Hopkins, I did a pretty traditional postdoc at NorthWestern, and then I moved out to the San Francisco area where I worked for a pharmaceutical company, developing drugs for Parkinson’s Disease. Then I joined a startup DNA sequencing company that went through rapid growth while also founding this company with two co-founders. At the heart of microbiome science and research is being able to DNA sequence the microbiome, so we had really strong technical knowledge about mapping a person’s microbiome and how that microbiome relates to that person’s body.

From a scientific standpoint, it was the ability to create new data and really understand the role that the microbiome can play in health. On a personal level, the more I learned about the microbiome, I learned that my daughter was very likely impacted by her microbiome experience. My first daughter was born almost two months prematurely at 4 and a half pounds. I got to hold her for a few seconds before she was taken to intensive care. She was hooked up to all these machines and monitors for the first month of her life and received multiple treatments of antibiotics–not because she had any type of infection, just because she was so fragile that they were trying to prevent her from getting any type of infection.

One of the things that I noticed about her as she got older was that she had these food sensitivities that the rest of our family didn’t have. She had a hard time with dairy and even as a 5 year old, she was looking for plant based foods because she knew that otherwise, it would cause her GI distress. I read this publication that they looked at all these infants and showed that those that had multiple rounds of antibiotics were more susceptible to obesity and diabetes. It started with being sensitive to certain foods but then when the study was repeated by The Mayo Clinic, they showed it went beyond that and obesity and diabetes and also made these children more susceptible to asthma, allergies, and autism.

So early in life when you take an antibiotic, you decimate your microbiome and you are set up for a lifetime of depletion. When I was seeing all these connections, paired with the knowledge I had, I saw we could help millions of people, including my daughter. And that’s how we got started in this space a little more than 10 years ago.

Dr. Whitney: I love the microbiome because I’m a science nerd but I’ve also been geeking out on how the microbiome influences so many things. Having a c-section can influence a child’s microbiome. If you had antibiotics, if the baby had antibiotics, it can all influence it. There’s so many people that are in this space and trying to help people. What makes what you do at Pendulum different?

Colleen: We aren’t all that different in the way that we are approaching things. We’re doing DNA sequencing, biochemical essays, preclinical and clinical trials, and trying to understand what the pathways in the microbiome are that affect human health. Compared to the probiotic companies that are using the already on the market lactobacillus and bifidobacterium strains, we are quite different. We’ve invested a lot of money into clinical trials and creating novel interventions.

I’d say the biggest difference is that we’ve honed in on a specific problem, which is how our body metabolizes food and the gut metabolism axis. I care very much about the metabolism of food. We can all remember a time in our lives when we could eat or drink whatever we wanted, but as we age our metabolism is affected differently. We don’t need a doctor to tell us our metabolism has slowed down. But what we aren’t usually aware of is that as we age, we lose certain gut microbes. As we go through times of stress, we lose certain gut microbes. When we travel and our circadian rhythms are messed up, we lose certain microbes. As women, when we go through menopause, we lose certain gut microbes.

There are things that we go through or just because we are a human being, that cause us to lose these gut microbes. And it turns out that one of the key things is how our bodies metabolize sugars and carbs, and that’s been the thing we’ve focused on. How does our body metabolize sugars and carbs and how can we help replenish these gut bugs that are literally doing the metabolizing for you?

Dr. Whitney: Let me doctor-splain this to our audience that is less nerdy than you and me so they can understand what this means. The first thing I heard you say is that not all probiotics are created equal. They can vary greatly on the effectiveness based on what’s actually in the probiotic. The other thing I heard you say is that what Pendulum is aiming to do is really focusing on metabolism. I’ve heard you explain it this way: you can put great gasoline in your car, but if you have a shitty engine, it’s not going to make much difference as to whether the car runs well. Talk more about the basic components of a probiotic that make it work well and what things are on the mainstream market that have become generic that won’t work as well for people.

Colleen: There’s some vocabulary that is sometimes confusing. There’s prebiotics and probiotics. Prebiotics are literally the food that feed the probiotics and probiotics are the bacteria themselves. When you go into the aisle with pre and probiotics, things are usually mixed together. So when you see things like fiber and polyphenols, those are prebiotics. When you see things with “live bacteria strains” or CFUs, those are probiotics. If you start to look at the label of these, you’ll start to notice a pattern, which is that almost everything out there starts with lactobacillus or bifidobacterium. That’s it. That’s a very small category of microbes compared to all the microbes that are actually in our gut biome. Those strains do certain functions. And maybe you’ve looked at these and thought, “What is the difference between these probiotics?” Well, there might not actually be any difference because the ingredients are more or less the same.

What we’re really focused on are some of these novel strains that you won’t really find anywhere else. One of the key ones is akkermansia muciniphila which is really emerging as a keystone strain. It’s the only bug that lives in your gut lining–and think of that lining like a fence. There’s all the planks of the fence and then the glue between each of them that keeps it really strong. Overtime and with weather, those planks can really start to weaken, that glue can start to weaken, and planks can fall down.

Your gut lining is the same way. You have these planks, these cells that are held together by glue called tight junctions and mucin. And you have this mucin layer, the glue, that has to be regulated. Akkermansia’s job is to sit there at that fence, all day and all night, and strip the old glue off and put new glue on and to keep the planks really strong. So this strain, it’s the only one known to live in the gut lining and the only one known that that’s it’s job–to keep the gut lining healthy and strong. If you are depleted in it, that is correlated to things like obesity, diabetes, increased inflammation, lowered immune response, and even bad skin, which is associated with the inflammatory response. So it’s such an important thing to have a fortified gut lining. I know the word “akkermansia” is such a mouthful, but hopefully, over time, people will realize that’s something they want in their gut.

Dr. Whitney: Talk about the piece of how this plays in with metabolizing sugars. I know that at the beginning, you had started to develop this with the thought of helping the diabetes community, but now you’re seeing that it can help the population at large.

Colleen: When you think about it, everything that you eat goes to your gut to be digested. So you have these bugs in your gut that literally help you digest your food. There’s certain foods that we all eat that we can’t digest on our own. We need the bugs to digest them. And we found that some people are missing these bugs entirely. So when we think of metabolism, there is metabolic health and trying to be as metabolically healthy as possible, the other end of the spectrum are metabolic disorders or syndrome, which is Type 2 Diabetes.

So we started our research with diabetes, where they’re missing these functions where they cannot metabolize sugars. We created a formulation that helped people with diabetes actually be able to metabolize sugars and lower their A1C. And from there, it turns out, we’re all a little bit on the spectrum of metabolic health. And so having those good levels of bug in our gut doesn’t just help those with diabetes but all of us who are wanting to stay as healthy as possible. There’s basically two ways to stay healthy: don’t eat sugars and carbs or find a way for your body to metabolize them. We’re in that second camp.

Dr. Whitney: A lot of the work I do here at Modern Mommy Doc is showing moms how to work smarter, not harder. There’s things in life that we can’t control like having to get the kids out the door for school or a pandemic or work I have to do for my job. But there’s things that I can do to make those things more efficient. I can make sure I’m not in a rush in the mornings, I can make sure to take care of myself by taking walks during the pandemic, I can look at productivity hacks to get my notes done faster at work. And I really view this in the same vein. Moms can’t control the hormone shifts you go through after having a baby. You have a different body; that change in metabolism is going to happen and you can’t control it. But you can control what your body does with what you consume. And to be honest, I don’t want to give up sugar! We do the best we can, but life happens. So this is a way to optimize your microbiome in light of those things. Is that what you’re saying?

Colleen: Yes! It’s really a life hack to get through those things that are depleting your microbiome and giving yourself back these good bugs and helping your metabolism. If you’ve ever been on a diet where you’re trying to cut back on your sugars and carbs, it’s super hard. But people will tell you that when they do, they experience things they didn’t realize would happen. They had so much more energy, or slept better, or didn’t have as much brain fog. Those are outcomes that are actually of a better metabolism.

So we understand that Girl Scout Season comes along every year and we’re going to be consumers of Thin Mints. But this just gives yourself permission to live your life, while also metabolizing things better. We can’t feel when we’re metabolizing things correctly, right? But 70% of our consumers say they have less sugar cravings. Because there’s a connection between our gut and our brains: when we’re metabolizing sugar correctly, we don’t feel the need for more of it. And you no longer have to feel that guilt from hearing that you just don’t have the strong willpower to not consume these products. Biologically, you’re being told that you’re hungry! So giving yourself these hacks to improve that is what we want to bring to the world.

Dr. Whitney: Let’s talk about that guilt piece. I know it happens to me and so many moms. Those sugar cravings and just feeling like you’re not strong enough to stop. I was having a discussion about health and weight loss with my husband and what types of workouts to do because I wasn’t seeing the results I wanted and he was–all while I was drinking a smoothie and he was eating fried chicken! So there is something biologically to this! We end up feeling so guilty because we can’t find a solution to fix it.

I tried your products and I’m really selective about who I bring on the show to make sure that everything is based in research and science. And I have to say that my energy levels are significantly higher and my sugar cravings are significantly lower. I just feel better. My stomach looks flatter. So I’m not surprised that your customers are saying those same things.

Colleen: This is why I think metabolic health is going to be something we talk more and more about because when you solve for that, it shows up in all of these different areas. When we were first creating these products, I wore a continuous glucose monitor so I could really track. And I took placebo pills and I took the real products but told my team not to tell me which was which. And each time, I knew when I was taking the real thing. I had way more energy. My workouts were so much better. And the sugar cravings are such a huge component. I’m not saying it solves all of it, but any little boost we can get on that front is helpful.

Dr. Whitney: Tell our listeners about some of the organizations you’ve worked with. I know you worked with Mayo Clinic, so now you have these clinical studies that show that these products can be really beneficial to certain people groups.

Colleen: When we started this company, every investor that we took money from, we told them we’ll never commercialize a product unless it actually works. That was a leap that our investors took with us. I decided a long time ago that health was where I wanted to make my mark. We’ve always been really grounded in scientific evidence and wanting to transform health. So as a result, we’ve ended up with really great backers. The first people that invested in us were the Mayo Clinic and they’ve invested in every one of our rounds. We’re in the pharmacy at the Cleveland Clinic so we had several people over there that tried the products and then really wanted to make it available to their patients and have it in their pharmacy. We also are used by Kaiser physicians and collaborators with Johns Hopkins, doing basic science research with them. So we’re very much embedded with medical institutions because this is still a new science and we’re trying to uncover new ways for people to optimize their health. It’s been really great to partner with the best of the best to get all that knowledge out there.

Dr. Whitney: This is my plug for all my listeners out there…make sure you know about the products you’re taking. Look at the research behind them and who they’ve collaborated with–not just for these, but any product you’re taking!

You have two main products. Tell the listeners about the differences between them and what moms can do to get started optimizing their metabolism.

Colleen: Let me actually ask you first, do you have any tips for people as they look through products to find out if it’s actually scientifically proven or science backed or not? I even have a really hard time parsing it out!

Dr. Whitney: Number one, if someone is recommending it and you check it out and it ONLY talks about patient experience, that’s a red flag. Patient experience is great, but it’s not the only part. It’s an augmentation of what the data says. So make sure that you’re not only basing it off of customer reviews. Number two, look at what organizations have associated with the product. If it’s associated with The Mayo Clinic, Stanford, Johns Hopkins, it’s at least a company trying to be legitimate. Number three, you can also do your own research and ask the companies for their studies and the links to their research. If you don’t understand the research yourself, ask a doctor. I’ve had plenty of patients ask me to look over something that’s a product for their child.

Colleen: That’s super helpful. So in terms of what we’ve created, the first product we created was for people with Type 2 Diabetes. We ran a placebo/control/double blind/randomized trial published in BMJ (which is one of the premier clinical journals) showing that for people with Type 2 Diabetes that were on this product (which we call Pendulum Glucose Control) were able to, compared to placebo, see that they lowered their A1C by 0.6. And, just for a frame of reference, that can be the difference between having diabetes and not having diabetes. So it lowered A1C by 0.6, it lowered blood glucose spikes by 33%.

And so if you have Type 2 Diabetes or you've got Pre-Diabetes and you want to kind of avoid crossing over into Type 2 Diabetes, or you're really worried about your A1C and your blood glucose spikes, Pendulum glucose control is the formulation for you. It's a clinical dose that has all of these hard-hitting lowering of A1C and blood glucose spikes people report back. We used to give people free A1C testing when we first started, because we really wanted to see if it was working. And now we advise people to get your A1C tested and I think it's really important to know what you expect to get out of your probiotic. And we have the money back guarantee. If you take this thing and you don't get those outcomes, we're not here to fleece you. We'll give your money back. So that's if you have Diabetes.

If you are somebody who wants to just optimize your metabolic health, and you want to metabolize your sugars and carbs better, we have Metabolic Daily. That is literally the exact same formulation as Pendulum Glucose Control, but it's at a lower dose. So if you don't have Type 2 Diabetes and you want to improve the way you're metabolizing sugars though, Metabolic Daily is for you.

If you want just this single strain akkermansia that we talked about earlier, because you've taken a gut test and it came back and told you that you're low in akkermansia or you realize you have these issues that you think are associated with your gut lining and you just wanna take that one strain, we also offer akkermansia as a single strain.

If you have a physician or registered dietician or somebody that you're working with on your gut health and your whole nutrition system, that's another person that you can ask for what's right for you. But it's really about which problem you're trying to tackle personally. I'm actually on Pendulum Glucose Control, because that's the one that I started with. It's got the highest dose, even though I don't have diabetes. But if I were starting now, I'd probably kick into Metabolic Daily because I think that's a great way to get started.

Dr. Whitney: And it's safe for people to take the Pendulum Glucose Control even if they don't have diabetes, right? I just wanna be clear about that for listeners.

Colleen: Yes, it is safe for anyone to take, even if you don't have diabetes. It's really just a different dose, but it's still a safe dose for healthy people too.

Dr. Whitney: Awesome. And for those of you who are wondering what A1C is, I realize we should back up and talk about that, too. Hemoglobin A1C is basically how much sugar is on your red blood cells over the course of about three months. So people use that to make a diagnosis of diabetes and also to track sugar control, because it's a more accurate view because it’s a wider lens, more long-term lens versus looking at just what your sugar is today before or after a meal. If you are in the general population, you might have never had a Hemoglobin A1C taken in your entire life or maybe one time. Of course if someone has diabetes, they have their Hemoglobin A1Cs tested regularly. So that's what we're talking about, about the Hemoglobin A1C drop.

But that's a significant difference. I mean it is really true. The kids who are in my clinic who have Hemoglobin A1Cs and they’re 0.6 below that threshold for saying diabetes, I mean that's the difference between telling them to go to a dietician, keep on exercising and eating healthily, versus going to the endocrinologist and having a diagnosis of diabetes and having to get on insulin. It's a huge difference. So we're talking about significant scientific differences here.

Colleen: Thank you for explaining that A1C number. I think at a high level, whenever we eat anything with sugar in it, the name of the game is for your body to metabolize that sugar as quickly as possible. Because when it doesn't do that, the sugar is literally just permeating through your entire body, hanging out, wreaking havoc on all of your organs. Everywhere your bloodstream goes, that's where the sugar is going. So we're constantly trying to figure out how to enable your body to metabolize that sugar, get it to where it's actually going to provide benefit rather than just sort of floating around in your red blood cells, going to all of your organs. And so this is the thing about why when your body is able to reign it in and get those sugars metabolized quickly, you feel so much better on all these different fronts. It's because you don't have all this sugar just circulating in your body. You don't get this really big sugar high followed by this sugar crash, because you're now a lot more regulated.

Dr. Whitney: And if it doesn't get used, then it has to be stored somewhere, so it can be stored as fat. So that's a lot of times what makes it so that then we end up holding on to the sugar, then we end up holding onto fat and have more weight gain. So these things are all really scientifically based. I always really hate it when people come out with a new fad diet about, “do this, do that,” because we know the science already. We already know. It's very, very simple, actually, how our body uses foods, uses protein, uses fat, uses carbohydrates, and then what it does with those things when we have an excess in our bloodstream and the body needs to do something with it. So don't be fooled if people are talking about crazy fad diets that seem like they're new, because there's nothing new under the sun when it comes to that. There is something new under the sun that we have now talked about for the last 30 minutes or so when it comes to optimizing the metabolism of those sugars and making it so your body can use them more efficiently.

Colleen: Absolutely. Absolutely. And I think there's so much more to uncover around gut health. I think one of the things that people are going to realize is over the next five to ten years, there's going to be so much more that comes out around gut health. And it's not just actually about, “I have GI distress” or “I have bloating.” It's also about your metabolism, which is what we’re focused on. But it's also about your immune response and your inflammation and even your brain function. And so I think it's an exciting time to be in the microbiome because there's new science coming out every day. I mean it's even a target now for Parkinson's disease. It's just an explosion of knowledge coming out and so I'm grateful to you for helping to bring some of this knowledge to everybody and help them understand, because it is a challenge to keep up with it and to know what's true and what's fact and what's fiction.

Dr. Whitney: Yeah, absolutely. Alright, so if people are listening to this episode and they want to find out more about you and Pendulum, where should they go?

Colleen: We would love for you to come visit our website, pendulumlife.com and it will have all the products on there, but it also goes into the science. You can get access to clinical papers and you can guide your doctor to go to pendulumlife.com , because we actually have a whole section, which is for healthcare professionals that really gives them all the information so that they can then help you understand from a clinician's point of view how these products might benefit you. If you just want to go buy the products, you could also buy them on Amazon. So, pendulumlife.com or Amazon and we actually have a special discount code for all of your listeners. So if you use MOMMY20, you will get 20% off your first month of any membership. So hopefully that helps people get jump started.

Dr. Whitney: Awesome. And how long should they expect once they start taking the product to see results, to feel different, or for it to be working within their system? So that way we set expectations appropriately for everybody.

Colleen: Well, it varies from person to person. It really has to do with what your starting microbiome is like, and if there's a lot to be gained or if there's only certain things that you're benefiting from. So for some people, they can feel benefits as soon as a couple of days in. But what I tell people is to take a 90 day challenge, because it actually takes about eight to 12 weeks to really, fully change your microbiome. We are not asking anybody to change your diet or do some kind of a cleanse ahead of time, we're just saying start taking the pills and it has to get into your ecosystem. It's like in your garden when you plant something new. It depends on how crowded your garden is, whether that new thing is going to thrive or not. So it varies for different people, but I always say give it 90 days. If you don't feel anything in 90 days, go off the product. Don't take things just to take them, but you should feel something within that period. And for some people, it's really fast.

Dr. Whitney: Yeah, I saw results within a week or two. There was a tiny adjustment period, just to be honest. It took a second for my gut–it must have been really mad. It was like, whatcha doing? So definitely an adjustment period. But nothing that was unreasonable. I was actually in Hawaii when I was doing it, so it didn't affect my vacation or anything like that. But it took a second, and then I've absolutely seen results after that. Thank you so much, Colleen, for being here! Again, it's pendulumlife.com . You can put MOMMY20 for the 20% discount.

NAVIGATING CAREGIVING FOR ALL STAGES OF LIFE WITH DR. MADHAVI VEMIREDDY

Thu, 04 May 2023 16:00:02 GMT

Dr. Whitney: Tell our listeners about yourself and how you came to be where you are now.

Dr. Vemireddy: I am a physician by training in internal medicine, but I’ve been in digital health for the last 20 years. I started my career at a company that was really trying to give the best evidenced based care for individuals with chronic health conditions and, eventually, became the Chief Medical Officer there and was building programs that were really focused on supporting people with chronic conditions.

About 12 years ago, I had my oldest son who had congenital heart failure and needed open heart surgery when he was 9 months old. When he was 5, he was diagnosed with being on the autism spectrum and that was the first time being an active care giver that I was really struggling, even though I had my medical background. I was still trying to figure it all out and get a support network put together. I realized if we’re struggling as physicians, everyone else would be too. The support that is out there, is for the people that need the care. There wasn’t anything for the families that are supporting those who need the care.

That was what led my husband and I to start a company called Care Tribe that was designed to help give support to caregivers of all ages. Earlier this year, I was in talks with CLEO and realized we were both after the same goal. We wanted to bring support to caregivers regardless of what stage they were in, regardless of medical condition. So that’s how I ended up joining forces with them and becoming their Chief Medical Officer.

Dr. Whitney: There’s people who are caring for children and then those caring for an elderly parent. And there’s a lot of us that are doing both. There’s tons of research on the “sandwich generation.”

Dr. Vemireddy: There’s over 12 million in the sandwich generation and we know that number is going to grow with our elderly population and it’s 60% women that are doing that caregiving. So they’re often having to leave their full time jobs in order to do it, which will impact their retirement as well. When the time comes that they need help, they might not have the financial means to pay for it. It’s a vicious cycle.

Dr. Whitney: I don’t think it stops there either. With more and more women dropping out of the workforce, it’s showing young girls less women in leadership. And we know we need representation in order to get our voices heard. Recently I was having a conversation on a pediatrics board that I sit on and a lot of people are transitioning off of the board with pregnancies and all of that and it was suggested that maybe I wanted to transition as well because I’m so busy (I double checked it wasn’t because they thought I was doing a bad job!) I am the only one who is a female parent, caring for my children on that board. And if we’re to be helping families, it’s so important for me to be able to have that voice for families and moms. With everything that happened during COVID, a lot less people are given that opportunity.

Dr. Vemireddy: The research tells us that it’s only 50% of employees that are caring for someone at home that actually tell their employer. Because we know that if you raise your hand and say, “I’m a parent of someone on the spectrum” or “I’m caring for a parent with Alzheimer’s” it can possibly tell them that you’re going to be distracted. So employees are hiding it.

But if companies are proactive and tell their employees, “We know that if you have a family, you’re caring for someone,” and they’re having open communication about caregiving and what that looks like and options for those that are in that situation, it becomes easier for everyone. And when they are partnering with companies like CLEO, they’re going to be able to stand in the gap for their employees and let them know how supported they are.

Dr. Whitney: There is a quote that you said you live by, from Bob Marley, “You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.” That hit me so hard and brought me back to a time when my daughter was in a super dysregulated state–she has autism–and during COVID we had moved in with my parents for a time. And then when we moved back, we had painted the walls a different color. And it completely threw her off. She felt like the whole house was different and everything had changed. One really hard day, she threw a ceramic vase at me and I had to constantly tell myself, “She has autism. This is not her fault. She is dysregulated. This is not because of who I am as a parent.” What in your parenting experience has made this so fierce for you?

Dr. Vemireddy: It started when I was trying to start a family. I went through multiple rounds of IVF, several miscarriages, and lost twin boys at 21 weeks. And then once we were pregnant with my oldest it never stopped. He was born prematurely and we were in and out of NICUs and PICUs and fighting to figure out what was wrong with him and find a treatment plan for him. And by the time he had his successful heart surgery at 9 months, it was such a sigh of relief. And then we began to see slow progress by the time he was 2 and then we were hit again with the autism diagnosis. So it took us a while to get our minds wrapped around what our life would look like. We’rre still fighting to get him the best care possible and continue to get the scaffolding built up around him. Because it’s on us.

We moved from New York to California right before the pandemic hit and we struggled with that transition. We really had to start over, and then what little support I had built up was taken away during the pandemic. So we saw lots of acting out and new behaviors popping up and we had to do the same thing–remind ourselves that he’s dysregulated. That it had nothing to do with us as parents.

And families that have to deal with that day in and day out, it can be really wearing on them and can cause anxiety and depression. 70% of caregivers are experiencing mental health symptoms. And I was one of them.

Going back to that quote, we often think that we can’t get through something. And as caregivers, we just keep going. We will stop at nothing to get the best care for our loved ones. And even when it’s hard, we just push on. And it’s way more difficult when you don’t have experts or support on your side. So when employers start hearing from their employees about the struggles they’re having supporting their family, they can begin to look for those resources.

Dr. Whitney: So much of the burnout for caregivers comes when they aren’t taking care of themselves as well. We put everyone else’s needs above our own until we can’t keep pushing through. I’d love to hear more about the resources that CLEO offers for caregivers and their families.

Dr. Vemireddy: When you join CLEO, we try to establish where you’re at in your family journey to see what resources and support would be best for you. Going through IVF, just had a baby, adoption, babies and toddler, feeding your baby, potty training, raising kids with adoptions all the way to caring for a sick spouse or elderly parents. We’ll curate the content and resources depending on your specific needs. Whatever stage you’re in, we’ll connect you with an expert guide and their expertise is for exactly where you’re at.

They’re there for you to help you find the right resources and to help take things off your plate. We do all that navigational research while also checking in on the caregiver themself. Do they need community? Are they experiencing anxiety? Can we connect them with others that are going through the same thing?

Dr. Whitney: Can an individual employee sign up for CLEO or is it the employer who needs to purchase it for all employees?

Dr. Vemireddy: Right now it’s the employer who can purchase it and offer it as a free benefit to all employees.

Dr. Whitney: If you are an employer, listen up. This would be an amazing benefit for your employees. If you’re an employee on the leadership team and have an opportunity to speak up about these things, CLEO is such a great resource. I have been so excited to hear from you and about your company. Where can people find more about you and CLEO?

Dr. Vemireddy: CLEO is the best place for them to get the resources they’re looking for. They can also follow us on Instagram and Facebook and LinkedIn . I’m on LinkedIn as well.

MANAGING EVERYTHING AT HOME? TRY THIS INSTEAD

Mon, 01 May 2023 16:00:06 GMT

I said, “Did you wait for me to come out of the bathroom so you could ask me for a snack? While you literally snuggle up to your daddy? You know he can answer stuff too, right? He understands how snacks work.”

Her answer, “Well, you just know where everything is.”

I think my eyes are still rolling.

Why would anyone do that? Simple: I didn’t know any different. I thought I needed to take it all on because I assumed no one would want to or be willing to help. So my only option was me.

For us, some of that looks like this:

Scott takes care of all things dog maintenance and feeding.

I tackle all the monthly bills (and have every single recurring one on autopay).

The kids have to clean their own rooms before they start any screen time.

Need some specifics on how to help team meetings with your significant other? Check out our Parenting in Partnership Lesson in the Modern Mamas Club App !

AN IMPORTANT DISCUSSION ABOUT PERINATAL MENTAL HEALTH WITH DR. KAT KAENI

Thu, 20 Apr 2023 16:00:14 GMT

Dr. Whitney: Our guest today is Dr. Kat Kaeni, an expert in perinatal mental health. Tell us about your background, how you got started, why you’re so passionate about what you do.

Dr. Kaeni: I became an expert in this field because I experienced it. I already was a psychologist and had a planned pregnancy. There were a few bumps through the pregnancy and, looking back, I can see that’s where my anxiety began. I began thinking about really big things. And then after my long labor and delivery, my anxiety really started to be noticeable in my life. My daughter aspirated a little bit of meconium during labor and that triggered the hypervigilance and overwatching, constant worrying.

At that point, I really didn’t know anything about perinatal mental health. So, for me, a few weeks of heightened anxiety turned into depression and then eventually into OCD with intrusive thoughts (those thoughts that pop into your head randomly that are very disturbing or intense, like “What if I drop the baby?”) and then was doing everything I could to avoid those “what ifs.” I was a prisoner to what was going on internally and this went on for a year.

After I finally came to terms with what was going on, I did a lot of research to help me understand what was happening. And I got angry because I felt like I should have been taught this and I knew nothing. Which means that there were people out there feeling alone too. Since then, I’ve had this passion to make sure that no one suffers alone.

Dr. Whitney: What was the moment that helped you come to grips with everything?

Dr. Kaeni: There was always a part of me that knew that something wasn’t quite right and another part of me that didn’t want there to be anything wrong. And I struggled with that for a long time. It started to impact my functioning more and more. I couldn’t focus and pay attention. My anxiety got so bad that I couldn’t do normal things like walking my daughter in the park in her stroller.

And one day I was doing an intake with a patient where they have to answer these 10 questions to determine if they’re depressed and I decided to take it and be honest with myself. And lo and behold, I was depressed. It really helped to see it clinically in front of me without any of the emotion behind it.

As I started doing research, I was reading about the OCD and intrusive thoughts and it was so validating to know that it wasn’t just me. This was happening to so many other people. So the combination of those two things really helped me move forward.

Dr. Whitney: I’m curious if you ever felt this way, because I certainly did–when you were helping people while you were still having a hard time…did you ever feel like a fraud? Like how can I be helping these people when I can’t even fix myself?

Dr. Kaeni: Oh absolutely. But what I do know about health professionals is after you’ve been trained for so many years and have experience, you can treat people in your office and still do a good job and then when they leave, melt down. Which is so draining. But that’s really what our medical training teaches us to do–to turn our own self off while we’re treating our patients.

Dr. Whitney: When you realized you were having anxiety, you got treatment. What did that look like for you? Or is there anything you wish you did differently during your treatment?

Dr. Kaeni: I started with a therapist that I had seen previously and she basically told me I didn’t have depression. Which just made me shut down and withdraw because all those things like shame and embarrassment then creep in. And I felt like I couldn’t go see a specialist because I was afraid it would be weird when they were my colleagues (which is not true, I absolutely could have gone, but anxiety can make you feel like your choices are limited.)

So I started looking into other options. I saw a naturopath. I did acupuncture. I learned my thyroid was off. I kind of winged it and tried to rely on the training I already had. But once I started getting specialized training in it, it was so validating to see myself in the things I was learning about.

I wish I had tried to continue with therapy and I probably should have gone on an antidepressant, just based on the range of symptoms I was having. I wouldn’t have suffered for as long had I gone that route, for sure.

Dr. Whitney: Now that you’re on the other side, what would you recommend to people so that they can get help early on and not have to suffer for a long period of time?

Dr. Kaeni: I would say, especially if you have a history of mental health issues or even family history, be proactive. Start with a therapist that specializes in this. Even before you have the baby. They can really make sure that you have a plan lined up for after delivery so that you’re as supported as you possibly can be. If you’re starting to feel like something is off, don’t assume it’s in your head. It’s not. Ask for help.

Dr. Whitney: I know that therapy costs a lot and it’s not usually covered by health insurance. I just wish I could show new moms that paying for your mental health and getting your movement in is WAY more important than the fancy crib or stroller.

Dr. Kaeni: Absolutely. Definitely look at your benefits, because a lot of us do take insurance. Or if you have a PPO, you can get reimbursed. And there are great resources out there that can help too. Postpartum Support International is a great organization that has a therapist directory with therapists that are specialists in this field and they offer online support groups for free. They also offer a peer support option so you can be paired with someone who’s in a similar situation as you. If you’re feeling uncomfortable with a group setting, I encourage you to simply check it out. The validation and acceptance you’ll feel knowing that there are so many other women going through the same thing as you is SO helpful.

Dr. Whitney: I get asked how long this “season” of perinatal can last. How long can we pin the way we feel on the fact that we just had a baby?

Dr. Kaeni: Within the profession, we look at a couple of different parameters. We say that postpartum is forever, but there are some factors to qualify that. In terms of when perinatal related mental health issues usually show up, it’s within the first year. And that can be because of the stresses of the new season of life or can be giant hormonal shifts like when you get your period for the first time or stop breastfeeding. It can even be due to trauma during pregnancy and childbirth. And they can show up in anxiety, depression, or OCD like it was for me. Or even, for some, the onset of bipolar symptoms can start here as well.

But if it’s left untreated, symptoms can really peak around the time that child is 4 years old. And when you’re suffering for that long of a time, it really impacts the type of parent that you can be. It’s hard to be affected that way and be the best parent you can be. Which is why it’s so important for you to get the help that you really need, which can come in many forms.

But there is help. And when you know your options, it can help you feel so much more empowered to make a decision.

Dr. Whitney: How can others get in touch with you if they’re resonating with what they’re hearing today?

Dr. Kaeni: My practice is called Well Mind Perinatal and I’m also on instagram at @momandmind and my podcast is on Facebook at momandmindpodcast . We have tons and tons of episodes. They’re sometimes personal stories of people who’ve gone through similar experiences and sometimes we have experts on so they can hear the clinical side of things. On my website, I have a free mini-course: 2 Skills to Manage Anxiety and Worry, plus another self-paced course that’s built for someone who’s having a challenging time with the transition to parenthood with lots of resources and support.

And to reiterate, anyone can go to Postpartum Support International for free resources!

A LOOK INTO A WORKING MOM'S HEART

Mon, 17 Apr 2023 19:15:00 GMT

At Modern Mommy Doc, we talk a lot about the push and pull of working motherhood. The feeling that we’re constantly trying to decide what needs our attention–and how to do that without dropping all the other things that need to be taken care of.

And it’s really hard not to feel that when one thing is flourishing, something else is suffering. We see it all over the place in motherhood.

If you’re killing it at work, your house is a mess.

If you’re feeling like you and your spouse have been really connecting lately, your kids feel neglected.

If you make homemade, organic, vegan brownies (��) for one of your kid’s bake sales, you don’t have time to help your other one with their science homework.

And for me, one of the most consistent pushes and pulls I’ve felt is feeling like I cannot give my best to both my work and my kids.

Here’s how I sum it up: If I go to work, my heart aches; if I stay at home, my head aches.

I think the two best times of day for a working mom are the moment she gets to walk into work, knowing she gets to do what she loves, and the moment she walks back out that door, knowing she’s headed to her family.

We can love both things, want to do both things to the best of our abilities, and still acknowledge that both of them are really hard to do well. Especially at the same time.

When you’re at work, your heart aches. You’re wondering what your kids are up to. If they remembered to bring their lunch. What’s making your husband laugh today. What you’ll do on the weekend with them to “make up” for things you couldn’t do during the week.

But when you’re at home, your head aches. You can’t finish up any work because your kids have decided to put on a recorder concert. You worry that others at work are getting more facetime with the boss because you have to leave every day at 3:30 to pick your kids up from school. You can’t even get in a thought to yourself because you’re constantly trying to be present with your family, while prepping the house, your kids, and yourself for the next day.

Motherhood is full of these “contradictions.” These things that feel like they’re diametrically opposite and can’t possibly be true at the same time.

Learning to navigate them while still maintaining your own sense of self is one of the biggest pillars we talk about in the Conflicted to Centered Coaching . So that you can live a life you love as a working mom, without drowning in the stress and exhaustion.

My signature coaching program gives you the framework to re-prioritize your values and yourself, while creating sustainable solutions for everything else you have on your to-do list. This is the step-by-step guide you need for integrating your personal and professional life seamlessly, no matter what’s weighing you down or how stuck you’ve become.

Check out all the info here (as well as the bonuses you can snag!)

HOW BOUNDARIES WILL CHANGE THE WAY YOU THINK ABOUT MOTHERHOOD

Thu, 06 Apr 2023 16:15:00 GMT

As moms, we often feel like we’re failing because there’s something wrong with us, not because there’s something wrong with our systems. And it’s usually our systems that are actually broken! So the whole way that we approach being a working mom is working against us, not for us.

The system that we use at Modern Mommy Doc is the Centered Life Blueprint and it’s a framework that shows working moms how to change their systems so they’re working FOR them. There’s a ton of different components to it, but the one I want to focus on is setting boundaries around your time, energy and focus.

You do this by first deciding that you are worthy of spending your time, energy, and focus on the things that matter to you.

The things that are important to me are what I call my Centered Vision, almost like a masterplan for my life. Not a manifestation, but the things that I really want to focus on–my values and priorities. For me, that’s contribution, financial freedom, family connection, health, and world travel. These are the things that I want to be able to say ‘yes’ to all the time, but in order to do that, I have to spend much less time, energy, and focus on things that don’t matter nearly as much. In order to do that, I have to set some healthy boundaries.

The first step is to understand what an unhealthy boundary is or what it feels like when my boundary is crossed. How does it feel in my body? It could be fatigue, rage, lack of motivation to get out of bed, or just feeling generally unhappy. There’s two sides of unhealthy boundaries: those that are way too flexible (where you’re getting walked all over, sharing too much, etc…) and those that are much too rigid (where you’re being withholding, lacking connections, etc…)

Once you’re aware of what that’s like when boundaries are crossed, you’re going to become more aware when it’s occurring. So when you start to notice those things in your body, you’re going to realize a boundary has been crossed (or that there was never one to begin with) and you can set a healthy boundary and change the game.

There are a few ways to do that:

Empathize with the other person. This lets them know that you see where they’re coming from, they feel understood, lowers their defensiveness, and makes everyone feel like they’re on the same team. Both sides can acknowledge that what’s being said might be offensive to the other side, but that’s not the intention.

For example, if your mother-in-law keeps making comments about your kids needing to bundle up, you can start the conversation by using “I feel (emotion) when you (action).” “I know this isn’t what you mean, but I feel really judged when you talk about things that are my parenting responsibilities.”

Clarify what you’d like to see in the future. This is you setting the boundary. You can also express appreciation for them already honoring that boundary. “In the future, I’ll decide what she wears and I really appreciate you letting me make that decision.”

Maintain that boundary. You have three options for how you’d like to hold that boundary when it’s crossed in the future: ignore it, create a consequence, or to make a compromise. Sometimes ignoring it really is a healthy option if it’s not that big of a deal. Creating a consequence lets them know what will happen now that they’ve crossed the boundary. (If MIL says again that they need more layers, you can say, “Well, then I don’t think we’re going to be walking to school together again because it’s obvious that it’s going to be causing too much stress for everyone involved.) Compromises with boundaries just let each side give a little (“How about a hat and a scarf instead of a jacket?”

Boundaries are only one piece of the puzzle to create systems that work for you!

Boundaries fall into the category of Heartstrings–the things that we really do love and want to take care of (like relationships) but know that they only way they work is if we have healthy boundaries around them. But there’s also the Contaminators, the extra things in life that we just don’t need and are working getting in the way. There’s also the Non-negotiables which are the things that fall into your plate and absolutely have to be done by you, but you can make sure you do with efficiency. Lastly, there’s the Swappables, the things on our plate that don’t need to be there (or don’t need to be done by you) that we can be delegating and giving to other people or other automations.

When you build strategies around these to allow yourself room to deal with all of that stuff, you give yourself more time and space for your Centered Vision to expand rather than just collapsing around you.

Here’s our evidence-based solution that we use here at Modern Mommy Doc to give you the personal solution to your needs–because every mom is different: our Conflicted to Centered On-Demand Coaching . It’s the way you’ll feel less resentful towards your partner and want to blow up at them less, you’ll be less likely to erupt at your kids or feel like your heart hurts when you’re at work, but your head hurts when you’re at home.

You really have two options: have a system that works against you and leaves you feeling overwhelmed and frustrated or to have a system that’s simple, effective, and works for you.

Our on-demand coaching gives you:

7 one-hour video sessions with me, Dr. Whitney that you can watch at your own pace.

Space for reflection so you can discuss and implement those systems with your partner

Skills you need to build more productivity and efficiency into your life so you can manage all those Non-negotiables

An audit of your calendar and responsibilities and be able to identify what you can take off your plate and give to someone else or remove entirely

An audit of the things in your home so it feels less cluttered and you have less to take care of–plus a framework so you can continue that system moving forward

The necessary skill of setting boundaries so you can learn why you’re let people walk all over you, how it benefits you, and how to maintain them in the future

Skills to truly take care of yourself as a working mom

This coaching program comes with:

Audio lessons so you can listen to them on the go, like a podcast

Downloadable workbooks

3 months of access to a private chat group within the Modern Mommy Doc (one of the most helpful parts for moms when they join because we all thrive within community!)

Twice weekly live Q&A sessions with me where you can get answers to your questions that came up while you were going through the coaching sessions

Plus access to your entire video library in the app about navigating kids’ emotions and parenting in partnership

Imagine for just a second how it would feel at the end of your week to be content, purposeful, enjoying being with your kids, not having been caught thinking about something else over and over again when you’re with them. You feeling excited to start your day. Feeling like you’ve got a navigational beacon for your life. Not feeling like a failure every single day.

Things won’t be perfect, but on the whole, feeling like you’ve got a system that will work for you and not against you.

To get all the details you can check out the show notes, go to our website , or attend one of our free webinars .

I invite you to just take a step to having more hope. To feeling like you’re moving in the right direction that will serve you.

It’s okay to not feel okay, but it’s not okay to stay there.

DO THIS IF YOU WANT TO ENJOY SUMMER WITH YOUR KIDS

Mon, 03 Apr 2023 16:15:00 GMT

We’re in a season of the year that I like to call “no man’s land.” It’s kinda like that week between Christmas and New Year where no one has any idea who they are or what they’re doing.

This season is past the rush of the holiday season and before kids get out of school for the summer. While it seems like that should be a working mom’s sweet spot, it used to always make me feel just weird.

I didn’t feel like I could slow down, because I knew that in a couple of months, my girls will be home and I’d feel like any spare time was gone. It was also hard for me to just press in and put my “get ish done” hat on sometimes, because I didn’t want to be an exhausted mess when my girls were out of school.

I know I’m not the only one who’s ever felt like this–and not just right now in the “no man’s land” season. I hear from working moms all the time who really struggle with knowing how to prioritize all the things.

When do you just keep pushing at work? When do you know it’s time to make your family time a priority? How do you fit in all the rest of the stuff that HAS to get done but you just don’t have energy, bandwidth, or maybe even the skills to do?

And can you do all of it while still being a kind human to the rest of the people you encounter without losing your identity (or your mind?)

At your job.

To your husband.

With your friends.

To your kids.

AND manage to squeeze in some self-care?

As moms, we're the last ones we think about taking care of and the first ones whose wellbeing gets put on the back burner.

And mama, I can stand here today and tell you confidently that it doesn’t have to be like this.

You can create a more centered, less stressed life that you LOVE.

Introducing Conflicted to Centered : a 7-part on-demand coaching series to help you organize your stress, clear your mental clutter, and make more space for what really matters in your life.

I created this coaching program because too often moms are running away from their life instead of creating a life that they love!

And it is 100% possible to do–even if you’re not living in it right now.

When you’ve got unorganized stress, you can’t show up as your best at your job, for your family, or for you! Which means you’re always running on that hamster wheel of motherhood, caught between the needs of everyone else, and never prioritizing your own.

And when you’re stuck in that cycle, you’re missing out on the things, people, and experiences that you really love. And you’ll stay waffling in indecision and constant juggling, unfulfilled and exhausted at the end of the day.

In this coaching program, you’ll get:

Seven on-demand coaching sessions with Dr. Whitney, pediatrician and mama wellness expert
Seven weekly Q&A Zoom calls with Dr. Whitney (Tuesdays from 10-11 am and Wednesdays from 12-1 pm PST)
PDF downloadable workbooks with challenges, prompts, and reflection activities
Skills to tackle obstacles that come your way
Instructions for building your framework and maintaining your system
Coaching session replays for when you’re on-the-go (Like a podcast!)
Continual access to the program workbooks and program replay videos
To revisit what you’ve learned IRL on the Modern Mamas Club app

What would be different in your life if you could show up confidently with direction, intention, and purpose–even on your hardest days?

Get all the info on the group program (including the bonuses you can snag right here )!

TEACHING YOUR KIDS ABOUT MONEY WITH INTENTION

Wed, 22 Mar 2023 14:00:00 GMT

Dr. Whitney talks with Paige Cornetet, author of “My Dad’s Class,” about her upbringing and education around money and how it has shaped how she teaches it today. They also dive into really practical advice on how moms and families can pass on generational financial skills.

Main Points:

Dr. Whitney: Tell me how you came up with the idea for this book. What’s your story that brought you here?

Paige: I started my own business when I was 26 and I really felt prepared going in. I knew how to handle money, what questions to ask my accountant, etc. And I knew that because I was taught all of these amazing things from my parents about earning, saving, spending, and investing money. And I realized I wanted to be able to share this with my future kids and other families, so out came a book.

Dr. Whitney: Tell me more about your family and their expertise when it came to money.

Paige: My parents were very intentional when it came to finances with us kids. My dad was a third generation business owner, so there was so much that he had to offer. And he had a lot of life lessons from his grandparents and parents that he wanted to share with us. I say my dad’s class was every Saturday with a pen and notebook, but my mom’s class was every day because she stayed at home with us and taught us so much.

Dr. Whitney: There’s probably a lot of women who didn’t have that kind of education in their home. If there are some things you could pull from the book that were the core things your parents taught you, what would those be?

Paige: First, we intentionally spoke our values out loud every day. So we knew where our priorities were. Second, we had this thing called the Cornetet Family Bank. And my parents held the money, but we had ledgers and withdrawals and had to reconcile everything. So we were very familiar with how all of it worked. That way, by the time we were ready to get actual bank accounts, we knew about interest and savings and how everything should work.

And as far as what education you got from your parents, even if you didn’t get something like this, you still have your own story. This is an entire family situation and so you can tell your kids, these were the stories and beliefs we had around money growing up and we’re going to do things a little differently.

Dr. Whitney: Regardless of what the education or story was, you really need to get down to finding out what that experience taught you about money. Good or bad. Because you’ll operate out of that space.

Paige: The first few chapters of the book, I don’t really talk about finances. I talk about your priorities and values because if you aren’t clear on those, you won’t really know where to spend your money. I love shared experiences, but my husband loves fine dining. And we should both feel good about spending money on that. And that allows us to not have any shame around spending it when it comes time for that.

Dr. Whitney: I think the bottom line is deciding what’s important to you, so that you can say yes to those things and no to others. If shared experiences are important, you’ll say yes to brunch with a girlfriend, but that means you’ll probably say no to buying something at Target the next day.

Paige: Your budget shows what’s important to you. It’s not about limiting your spending, it’s about spending money on the things that are of value to you. So I won’t feel bad when I’m spending with intention.

Dr. Whitney: What advice would you give to those who are trying to climb out of debt and maybe model for their kids a different way of life?

Paige: First, you have to work through and take the emotions out of it so that you can really tackle it. So you can really do things differently and have a game plan that you can commit to. Then, you’ll want to pay off the most expensive (highest interest rate) debt first. You want to get out of that hole so you don’t owe anything to anyone. I even love the idea of talking about it with your kids. If they’re old enough, they’re picking up on things anyway. So let them in on the plan!

Dr. Whitney: When my husband and I were paying off our graduate and medical school debt, we moved in with my parents so that we could really pay it down quickly. And we had a running tally sheet of all our debts in the bathroom that we kept track of so our kids could see it. When I made that final payment, I was on speaker phone so that my kids could hear it and we all celebrated together. I wanted them to see all the hard work we had done and paid off.

Paige: And you were teaching them a lesson through that. They’ve already seen that through their parents' eyes so it’s really ingrained in their minds and maybe they’ll make different choices for their own future.

Dr. Whitney: What are some really practical things we can teach our kids on a daily basis? I get questions all the time about chores and should those be paid?

Paige: In my home, we had chores because we were a part of our family. It was a given and there was no reward for them. But my dad was great at making things a game, so for the allowance side, it was it’s own thing and went into our “banks.” And we were taught how to manage that. It was a hands on lesson every single week. And there were extra chore opportunities to earn money, like washing the car.

Dr. Whitney: There’s so many tools out there now for kids’ debit cards or bank accounts that really make it so much easier for kids to have more experience with their money. And it allows you to easily break it, ⅓ in your savings account, ⅓ in your checking account, and ⅓ to somewhere you want to donate.

Paige: They are great. I think the more tactile and hands on you can be with them, the better. They should know how much money they have and what is available. I’d rather them spend all their money on something stupid as a kid so you can have those conversations. “How did that $200 pair of jeans make you feel? Was it worth it?” Those trials are way better to have at 10 than when they’re 18. That way they know all those free credit card offers they’re getting aren’t really free and they want to steer clear.

Dr. Whitney: Talk to me about this idea that I really feel has been prevalent in the last 15 years. The hustle culture for moms tell us if you just work hard and buy this course or start this business, you can make 10k a month. What is a litmus test or how do you draw the line when it comes to that? There are things we can or should invest in for our businesses that could really help us, but how do we know if we should make that step rather than just keep the money in the bank?

Paige: I think you really have to look at the sacrifice and cost that comes with it. When you’re choosing to have a side hustle, is it taking away all of the time from your family? Is it taking you from the things that really matter to you? Do you have to choose that path? Is it something really important to you or are you doing it just because culture tells you that you should? You only have a select amount of time and energy and you have to think about the give and take of that.

Dr. Whitney: I often get asked how I do it all and the truth is, I don’t. I delegate to other people and almost always, that costs me something. My nanny watches my kids and that costs money. My content writer who helps me out with social media and the blog costs me money. I had someone help me with the book and that cost me money. There are things I choose to give up time for so I can save money, but other times I’d actually be losing money if I did it because it would take so much of my time. So in the moment, I have to realize everything costs time, money, or energy and I have to decide what is the most important for me to keep right then.

Paige: Absolutely and pay for your time and energy. If you try to do it all yourself, you will burn out.

Dr. Whitney: Where can our listeners find your book and follow you so they can continue to get more tips for themselves and their family?

Paige: “My Dad’s Class: An Intentional Structure to Teach Your Kids About Money and Life” can be found on the website or amazon and you can find all my social info on the website as well.

ENDING THE RESENTMENT CYCLE FOR GOOD

Mon, 20 Mar 2023 13:00:13 GMT

Saturday morning you wake up in a panic, remembering that it was your week to bring snacks for after your kiddo’s basketball game. Realizing you haven’t made a grocery run in a hot minute, you head to your fave place to inspire you while simultaneously shame you, and search Pinterest for some way to turn a half a cup of pretzels, 6 juice pouches and 4 stale marshmallows into a charcuterie board.

You show up to the game and realize not only was it NOT your week, but this week’s mom brought in homemade donuts with each kid’s name on them along with freshly squeezed orange juice from their tree at home. So, same.

Monday morning, you make breakfast that only half your kids eat, pack their lunches, pull some clothes out of the dryer (and some from the dirty hamper…whoops), get them dressed, sign reading logs from the weekend, repack lunches when they decide they all want something different, and head to the car.

On the way out the door, your oldest yells, “Thanks for my lunch, dad!” as he grabs the bag from your husband.

**Cue internal rage screaming.

When you get to the office 5 minutes later than your boss, but still earlier than the actual start time, she tries to joke with you, “Well I guess it’s hot mess mom o’clock.”

And then your email chimes in. Addressed only to you, from your child’s teacher, “I’d really love it if you could spend 30 minutes with your son reading each night. He’s falling behind and it’s so important to get that time in every day. Oh, could you also chaperone the field trip on Friday?”

That’s enough to make anyone lose their ish and that’s the kinda stuff we’re facing every day as working moms.

Constantly feeling like we’re not doing enough, but having absolutely nothing left to give.

We’re on the continual cycle of doing all the things, feeling resentful for it, blowing up, and then trying to do all the things to make up for it. And the cycle continues.

So how do you resist the ever-present push and pull? How do you stop chasing this elusive work-life balance? Because it seems like if you stop, even for a moment, everything would fall apart.

If you decide to take a longer lunch so that you can walk around the block to get sunshine and lower some stress hormones, you feel like you have to justify it by staying 30 minutes late at the end of the day.

Which means your kids have to go to after school care.

Which means you’re going to have a bigger bill at the end of the month.

Which means you’re going to be stressing about your budget.

Which means you’re going to WANT to take some time to take care of yourself so that you’re not bottling up those emotions with nowhere to go…so you think of taking a walk around the block.

And if you give a mouse a cookie…

Mama, when your stress load sits there like a tangled heap of worry, there’s no way you can enjoy a purposeful, aligned life.

I’m so deeply passionate about helping moms take control of their lives in this way, that I created a program that would take them from Conflicted to Centered. This 7 week coaching series helps you organize your stress, clear your mental clutter, and make more space for what really matters.

If you’re looking for:

Peace instead of resentment

Energy instead of exhaustion.

Abundance instead of overwhelm

Joy instead of fleeting happiness

This program is for you.

Click here to get all the details (and about the 2 bonuses you’ll get just for signing up!)

PELOTON, MINDFULNESS, AND MOTHERHOOD WITH KRISTIN MCGEE

Thu, 09 Mar 2023 15:15:05 GMT

Dr. Whitney chats with Peloton yoga instructor, Kristin McGee, about how she got started in yoga, how she landed at Peloton, and how she practices mindfulness as a working mom.

Main Points:

Dr. Whitney: Tell us how you got started in the yoga space and how you landed at Peloton.

Kristin: I actually got started through drama! I was studying theater at NYU and we did yoga as a regular warmup and I really began to see how much more connected I was with my body when I was practicing yoga. Which led me to taking classes all the time and eventually teaching. I auditioned for an MTV yoga video and that really opened the door to so many other opportunities, including my own DVDs, and then I eventually started working with Peloton. My favorite thing about teaching here is that it’s so well-rounded. You can hop on the bike or take a stretching class or strength train, and you’re still going to connect and learn more about your body, no matter your season or fitness level.

Dr. Whitney: There’s so many more things available now, specifically for moms who are pre or postnatal. It used to be that there was one video that you had to play on loop, but now it’s endless. After I had my second daughter, I sprained my ankle because I didn’t pay attention to all these changes that my body had gone through and how they would affect me even after birth. But I love that there’s classes that take that into account.

Kristin: And it’s community building too! You can look at the leaderboard and know that there are other women out there just like you who are experiencing it together. And I love that we’re able to even help those that aren’t moms! I’ve heard from families who’ve been struggling with loss or a child that can’t sleep and the meditations have been really powerful for them. I love that at Peloton, we really can become a supportive community for people.

Dr. Whitney: Do you feel you can get to that contemplative state easier when you’re moving? As someone who’s anxious, I have a hard time meditating and I feel like when I’m moving, I can get deeper into that. Is that something you hear from others?

Kristin: I think that’s a great starting point and if it helps you get to that point, that’s amazing. But I also think that sometimes we shy away from what we really need–and maybe that is to just sit and be still and be in the moment. Sit with those meditative thoughts. And just like you have a running routine, you end up with a meditation routine.

Dr Whitney: It is a great starting point and then you can ask yourself, “Why do I feel like I need to constantly be in motion? And how can you bring yourself to that place where you are still with your thoughts? We love the Modern Mommy app for those quick meditations or Morning Pages to get your thoughts out.

Kristin: We are human beings, not human doings. And that’s where meditation comes into play. I don’t mind if you have racing thoughts. That's your brain processing things. The effects of meditation are actually more profound and noticeable while you’re not meditating. The meditation allows you to feel like you have the tools and outlet to process everything that’s going on in your life better, so you’re at your best and much less reactive.

Dr. Whitney: It’s very true that when you’re not doing the things to take care of yourself, you don’t show up as the best version of yourself. Just this morning we were in go-mode to get everyone out the door and my husband asked me where something was. In that moment I was so irritated and had to take a second to step back and evaluate. Why was I so mad? What conversation did I need to have with him to make him understand how I was feeling and what could I do throughout my day to come back and feel more refreshed?

Kristin: Absolutely. When you’re not being mindful, when you’re not doing those things that you know keep you in a better state of mind, it doesn’t just affect you. It affects the way you show up. And in our families, it definitely affects how we’re setting ourselves and our kiddos up for success. Or whether or not we even have the bandwidth to do that.

Dr. Whitney: What do your kids think about yoga? Do they understand that you’re this guru and think that they should listen to everything you say about mindfulness? Or are they over it?

Kristin: They see me do it all the time, so it’s definitely normal for them. As they’ve grown, they’re less on the mat with me and kinda learning who they are and what they love doing. I really try to honor that, even though Pokemon drives me crazy. It’s important to teach them boundaries with that but also it’s great to do something that you love. They’ll still randomly do yoga poses or sit next to me on the couch while I finish my meditation.

Dr. Whitney: You’re someone who’s a public figure, teaching mindfulness on the screen. How does that play into you as a working mom? Are you able to practice that in real life? How do you balance all the responsibilities and roles that you have? How is that at Peloton? How welcoming are they to having that level of integration that we know working moms need?

Kristin: I think this is the only place I could be doing what I do and still have the level of relationship I have with my kids. Most days I’m still able to pick them up from school, which is great! I teach morning classes a few days a week, but I’d rather sacrifice that morning walk to school (thanks to my awesome nanny!) than missing dinner, and books, and bedtime. So they work around that! I really try to bring my kids into my practice as much as possible, so they see me on the mat, they help me pick out songs. I love my job so much so it doesn’t feel like work most days. Peloton also has incredible maternity leave and gives a ton of pre and postnatal support.

Dr. Whitney: One of the things that I love about Peloton is that they recognize the women and moms in the classes and that’s amazing. But there’s also still this energy of, just because you’re in your 40s doesn’t mean you're finished. Let’s still listen to the hip hop music and take the fun class.

Kristin: Something that Robin from Peloton once said really stood out to me. She was talking about that being a mom is part of who we are, but it’s not our whole identity. And we are still a well-rounded woman with lots of other interests and things we bring to the table. I think that’s so important for even my kids to see, so that when they’re grown and out of the house, I don’t feel like I’ve lost my entire purpose.

Dr. Whitney: Another thing I love is that there seems to be something for everyone. Lots of different classes to choose from with different purposes. And on-demand workouts are so great for working moms because it saves so much time!

Kristin: What’s so cool is seeing people, including myself, discover things they might not have otherwise done without Peloton. Bikers who discover yoga or weight lifters adding cardio. It’s great to cross-train and to be able to keep your mind and body healthy.

Dr. Whitney: Where can people find you if they’re interested in finding out more about you?

You can find me on the Peloton app, which you do not have to have the hardware to do all the classes. And there’s a two-month free trial for new users right now! I’m also on instagram at @kristinmcgee and I’d love to see you on the leaderboard. Shoot me messages there if you’ve got any questions!

LIVING A CENTERED LIFE MEANS MORE JOY FOR YOU, MAMA

Mon, 06 Mar 2023 19:26:05 GMT

Are you sitting down?

Because I’m about to drop a knowledge bomb that’s gonna blow your mind:

An Ohio State University study showed 66 percent of working parents feel like they have nothing left to give. That’s two-thirds of career-focused parents who are burned out and desperate.

Now that I think about it, though, maybe that’s not all that surprising for you to hear.

Maybe you’re living it. So reading that just makes you go, “YEP. Same.”

I know that after I had my two girls, I was in a much different spot than before I had kids (and all the moms in the world said, “Yeah, no kidding.”) What I pictured my working-mom life to be was waaaaay different from how it was playing out in my real life. Even as a Stanford-trained pediatrician, I just didn’t have the tools that were clearly necessary to navigate motherhood successfully.

Let alone adding a full-time job on top of it.

And trying to have a thriving marriage.

And be a good friend.

And keep our house from looking like the aftermath of a tornado.

And feed my kids that don’t come from the blue and orange box every night (don’t get me wrong…we love mac and cheese in our house. But it prob doesn’t need to happen for multiple meals a day.)

Oh aaaaand maybe take a minute for myself.

As moms, we're the last ones we think about taking care of and the first ones whose wellbeing gets put on the back burner.

And mama, I can stand here today and tell you confidently that it doesn’t have to be like this.

You can create a more centered, less stressed life that you LOVE.

Introducing Conflicted to Centered On-Demand: a 7-part virtual coaching series to help you organize your stress, clear your mental clutter, and make more space for what really matters in your life.

I created this coaching program because our kids deserve to have moms that are able to show up consistently as the best version of themselves. That aren’t disappointed at the end of every day. That don’t want to escape from the life they’ve created.

Hell, we deserve to live that life!

When you’re constantly living in the push and pull of the pursuit of work-life “balance,” you’re unable to give the best of yourself to either! Which means you’re always running on that hamster wheel of motherhood, caught between the needs of everyone else, and never prioritizing your own.

You’ll lose the precious moments you could be spending on the things you love, including your kids, your passions, and yourself. And you’ll stay waffling in indecision and constant juggling, unfulfilled and exhausted at the end of the day.

WITH CONFLICTED TO CENTERED ON-DEMAND, you’ll get:

Seven weekly Q&A Zoom Sessions with Dr. Whitney, pediatrician and mama wellness expert, and other like-minded, career-focused moms
(x7) PDF downloadable workbooks with challenges, prompts, and reflection activities
Skills to tackle obstacles that come your way
Instructions for building your framework and maintaining your system
Coaching session replays for when you’re on-the-go!
Continual access to the program workbooks and program replay videos
To revisit what you’ve learned IRL on the Modern Mamas Club App

What would be different in your life if you could show up confidently with direction, intention, and purpose–even on your hardest days?

Get all the info on the group program (including the bonuses you can snag!) right here!

HOW TO REGULATE YOUR CHILDREN’S EMOTIONS BY REGULATING YOURS

Thu, 16 Feb 2023 14:45:00 GMT

Dr. Whitney chats with Seed and Sew CEO, Alyssa Blask Campbell, about how as parents, we can’t react logically and appropriately to our children or at work when we’re already dysregulated. They chat through how to regulate your own emotions, so that you can help your child regulate theirs.

Main Points:

Dr. Whitney: Welcome! Tell us about your company and your story about why you created it.

Alyssa: I have always worked in Early Childhood Education. I have my Masters in Early Childhood, I’ve worked in kindergarten all the way down to infant. I was a nanny, mom, and preschool teacher, so I have been steeped in Early Childhood Ed. I was working at a school where we could do research and a colleague of mine and I started to dive into what we were doing differently at our school and why we were seeing different results. We were asking ourselves how could Early Childhood Ed look different? We ended up creating the Collaborative Emotional Processing Method (CEP) and researching it across the US. So Seed is really bringing the CEP Method to everyone. Seed has 5 components: self awareness, self-care (taking care of our nervous system), scientific knowledge (what’s happening neurologically for us or our kids), uncovering implicit bias (undoing our social programming), and adult-child interactions (what we actually do in the moments with our kids). That last one is really what people come for but they end up staying for themselves.

Dr. Whitney: As a pediatrician, that’s what people come to me for. What do I do with my kid? How do I get them to not do X,Y, or Z or how do I get them to do X,Y, or Z? And one of the reasons I started Modern Mommy Doc was because I realized that, yes, it matters what we’re doing for our kids. But we also have to take care of ourselves if we want to show up for them at our best. Let’s go back to when you started your company. What was the ah-ha moment when you realized that you were doing something different? What were other early childhood education companies doing?

Alyssa: So much of the curriculums are focused on the kids and their behaviors. How we can get them to be pro-social beings and thrive in society. What we noticed was that at our school, so much of our focus was on us as educators, knowing that if we aren’t regulated, we aren’t able to show up and help these kids like we’d been trained and loved to do. And then there’s the emotional side. How are we able to teach these kids self-awareness skills and then social regulation skills, so that they are able to access social skills like empathy? Because those are secondary.

Dr. Whitney: What I hear you saying is that you’re a Master’s level teacher. You have all the training. You know what to do for children in those moments. But none of that matters if you can’t regulate yourself in that same moment.

Alyssa: We’re looking at shifting the adult experience of children’s emotions, rather than trying to change the child. When your child is doing something that is inconvenient for you, your initial feelings are valid. What we’re trying to do is work on the pause between your initial reaction and your secondary response.

Dr. Whitney: You said Seed has 5 components. Talk about that self-care piece. What does it really mean to take care of yourself as a parent?

Alyssa: For us, it’s really about your nervous system, so it’s going to be different for every person. I’m a person who really benefits from having time to do the work that I want. So I struggle when my son is home because I can’t do that. We all have basic needs that regulate our nervous system: food, water, breaks from work, movement. So you have to ask yourself what regulates your nervous system proactively. We wouldn’t wait till our kids were hangry to give them food. Same thing for us. We need to think through our own nervous system and what pours in to make us feel more balanced. There are things that naturally drain us–what fill us back up?

Dr. Whitney: I think we all need to realize how individual we are. We all have unique needs. And so sometimes that feels high maintenance or being extra. But if we don’t recognize what we need before we need it, we’re going to be in that state of being depleted all the time.

Alyssa: A lot of us grew up in homes where asking for help was not how we were shown or received love. So we have a hard time stating the fact that we have needs. So we ask ourselves if we’ll be worthy of love if we need help? Am I loveable when I have needs? And I think two things about that. One, we need to acknowledge that part of our childhood that makes the way we currently feel make sense. And two, we’re modeling for our kids the way that we take care of ourselves, so that they can do the same for themselves.

Dr. Whitney: And it’s always going to give us opportunities to model making things right with our kids or spouse. Because we definitely are going to mess up and become dysregulated and act out. How does Seed talk about that?

Alyssa: The goal isn’t regulation all the time. I wish that’s something that was talked about more. The goal of practicing self care or learning tools of regulation isn’t to stay regulated all the time. Otherwise you wouldn't feel things like excitement, which is a sign of dysregulation. The goal is to create a safe space and model what it looks like to feel your emotions and then come back into regulation. We have different colored zones that we talk about that match different ways you’re feeling. So we want to hover between blue, green, and yellow all day, avoiding red when you’re totally out of control. When you're self-aware and know what to do when you’re feeling dysregulated, then you have enough left in your battery to bring yourself back down.

Dr. Whitney: What I love about your message is that it’s not black and white. It leaves so much for humanity. Curriculum in schools is so much more binary. How are you getting this into schools or into parents' hands?

Alyssa: We have certifications you can go through to learn the CEP Method that teaches you all 5 components and teachers have ongoing support through that, so they can lean on us and other teachers. You can go to our website to find Seed Certified schools near you and all the families at those schools have access to our Tiny Humans Big Emotions class so they can really practice it at home. If you’re looking on the website and there isn’t a certified school near you, you can reach out to us at support@seedandsew.com and we can reach out to other schools in your area to try to make that happen for you. We have a podcast, Voices of Your Village, and a really active instagram community . Our flagship program is called ReParenting, which is the “us” side of the equation, plus our Tiny Humans Big Emotions course and we sell those as a bundle because we have seen how important it is for those to go together. If you head to our website and click on the parents tab, you’ll see all of our resources that we have there.

HOW TO MAKE VALENTINE'S DAY NOT SUCK

Tue, 14 Feb 2023 20:54:58 GMT

February 14th. The Day for Lovers. Valentine’s Day.

Okay that second one made me throw up a little bit. Whenever I hear that word, I just picture Jennifer Grey in that scene in Dirty Dancing and it’s just weird.

Regardless of what you call it, it’s here.

And I think most people are pretty split on their feelings about the day. People either really get into it, don’t care about it at all, or there’s the third category of people (and I’d venture to say that most of these are women) that act like they don’t care about it, but get their feelings hurt each year when it didn’t go like they actually pictured it.

If you and your partner are both on the same page, giving each other the same level of thoughtfulness when it comes to gifts (one of you didn’t go kinky lingerie and one got a set of chip clips) AND are on the same level of romance when it comes to sex, then you’re the magical unicorn of couples and we all tip our hats to you.

OR if you and your partner BOTH don’t REEEEEALLY care (not that fake indifference) about the day, then enjoy your very normal day on Tuesday.

More than likely, though, there’s a discrepancy between how you and your partner feel. One has high hopes and expectations, one doesn’t even know the holiday is coming up. One dreams of breakfast in bed, while one wants a quick handy before the kids get up.

I realize that’s taboo to say out loud, but I’m just being real. Ha!

If you want to reclaim Valentine’s Day and make it a day that is actually enjoyable, I’ve got three tips for you.

Clear communication with your spouse or partner. Once again, this is my go-to, because it can make everything so much easier on everyone. If when you were dating, you told your boyfriend that you don’t really get into Valentine’s Day, because that’s what you thought he wanted to hear, but then when you got married he didn’t flip a switch and automatically shower you with roses, then that’s on you. #sorrynotsorry

Most of the expectations we put on our partners are ones that they’re completely unaware of, so it’s really unfair for us to assume they’ll meet them. If you actually love all the romantics of the day, don’t tell them that you’re just happy with having dinner together. Because that’s probably something you do very often, and you’re just asking for disappointment.

Same thing goes for sexy time. Clear communication will be the real winner here. It’s unfair for moms to work all day long (in or out of the home), cook dinner when they get home, do all the homework help, do bathtime, get the kids down, and then to have to snap her fingers and all of a sudden be super turned on. But if you have the conversation to say that, yes, you’re really excited to connect with your partner after the kids go to bed, but what would really help you be able to relax so you could get in the mood is for your partner to take X, Y, and Z off your plate.

Trust me, they’ll be doing those dishes with a happy heart ��

Remove the pressure from the day.

Nothing is a bigger libido killer than unmet expectations and heaping amounts of pressure. If you both have really packed schedules that day, make plans to connect during the weekend. If one of you (genuinely) has a headache, schedule in some afternoon delight the next day.

Don’t let the date on the calendar dictate the way you feel in your relationship.

But, again, make sure any and all expectations of future together time are very clearly communicated from both sides.

Even for gifts, allow both of you the freedom to give gifts that make the other person feel special and appreciated–it doesn’t have to be a huge romantic gesture. The goal is for each of you to feel loved.

Be your own Valentine.

This is in no way encouraging you to be passive aggressive, so stay with me on this one. Think about what would make you feel amazing that day. Fresh flowers? A pedicure? An orgasm?

Go buy yourself flowers and have them out.

If your partner asks, you don’t need to respond with, “I figured I wasn’t getting any from anyone else, so I got some,” Instead, you can say, “Don’t they look pretty? I saw them at the store and they made me happy.”

Go get a pedicure because it relaxes you and makes you feel beautiful. And I’m sure your husband won’t be sad when your soft feet rub up on him later.

Plus, both of these are helpful hints for them the next year!

Break out the vibrator earlier that day.

I’m not saying anything hidden from your partner, but a frisky text of, “There’s something about today that just gets me going. Thought I’d start the fun early,” reeeeeally sets the tone for the day. You get to be in charge of your pleasure, but you’r e inviting them into your moment, and then later on, you’ll be a little bit more open if Valentine’s Day actually means that your jaw hurts the next day (wink wink).

Valentine’s Day can be REALLY fun, but only if you relax and focus on making both you and your partner feel loved and cared for. What would it mean to shift your perspective with a new attitude? What would your day look like?

THE MODERN WORKING MOM IS STUCK. HERE’S WHAT WE’RE DOING ABOUT IT.

Mon, 06 Feb 2023 18:57:35 GMT

The last three years have been unlike anything I’ve ever experienced as a woman, a mom, or pediatrician. And I know I’m not the only one who’s felt it.

We’ve fought for our kids’ education. Their health. Their emotional awareness.

We’ve fought for our own mental health. For higher pay. For fairness in the workplace.

We’ve fought for our marriages and for our independence.

And yet, even with all the progress we’ve made, we’re still miles from where we want to be. Most of us still struggle every day to walk through the circumstances we face, because we’re overworked and overwhelmed.

In the last few years, I’ve seen hundreds of working moms stream through my pediatrics office and reach out online describing their desperation. They have no idea how to organize the stress of integrating their professional and personal lives.

Add in systemic forces in direct opposition to their success and they stay trapped in their defeat. With no foundation to stand on and no framework to fall back on, it’s almost impossible for them to implement the parenting advice I give them meaningfully or to say yes to the self-care suggestions they see everywhere – much less to have the frank conversations they need to create equity in their households or to schedule prioritizing their own needs.

The modern working mom is stuck.

And that’s why we created the Modern Mamas Club app last year. So moms could start to learn a system and a foundation that would allow them to stop trying to find some elusive work/life balance. But rather a harmony between the two. Where both feel like they get the best of you. And you feel like you bring the best to each area.

This app has led women to be in community, talking to other moms who are going through the same experiences they are. They’ve been downloading lessons about different parts of their centered life, about parenting with equity in their homes, about taking care of their babies and themselves. We’ve had guest speakers come in for our panel discussions in our Momversations that have blown me away.

Seriously, this app has been so chock full of so much goodness.

And we’re about to make it even better.

The boring, behind-the-scenes details are that we’re transferring to a new platform that will give everyone a better experience and will make finding what you’re looking for a lot easier.

But the thing I’m most excited about is something different.

Remember those Choose Your Own Adventure books from when you were a kid? If you want the main character to try and climb over the boulder, turn to page 22. If you want them to go around, turn to page 84.

That’s what we’ve cooked up for you in our new app!

There will be daily mental health check-ins each day and you get to respond with how you’re feeling. Based on your answers, if it seems like you’re struggling with resentment towards your partner, you’ll be directed towards resources on that. If you’ve answered that you’re overwhelmed with all the things on your plate, you’ll be directed towards ways to delegate.

As a busy working mom, it’s hard enough when you’re feeling overwhelmed, burned out, or underappreciated. You don’t have time to pour through blogs or video lessons, searching for the things that will help you. With our new app, you get to jump right in exactly where you’re at.

Along with this cool new change, the app will also house all of our podcasts and blogs. It’s all in one place!

You can also book time to talk to experts spanning several different fields–including booking a 1:1 with me, Dr. Whitney! ��

Because you are worth putting the work into having a life that you love. Having a life that is fulfilling. A life that you want to fully experience.

Let’s build that together!

CREATING A WORKING MOM LIFE YOU DON'T WANT TO ESCAPE FROM

Thu, 02 Feb 2023 14:50:05 GMT

Working moms are feeling the pressure. The post-pandemic burnout is real and today I'm diving in to all of the factors that really contribute. I'm giving some serious transparency on my own opinions on what employers, and decision-makers can do to create equity in the workforce in order to accommodate caregiving workers instead of creating blanket statements for all.

I saw a post on instagram that said, “True self-care is not salt baths and chocolate cakes. It’s making a choice to build a life that you don’t need to regularly escape from.” When I thought of that in regards to the moms that I work with, I thought it was true. We don’t want a life that we need to regularly escape from, but we also don’t want a life that we need to regularly recover from. I spent a lot of the first 3-4 years of my daughter’s life simply recovering from the work it was taking to take care of her. Instead of maintenance, it was recovery. I hadn’t created space so that even if I was having a hard time with her, I was still okay. I know that this is something you’re facing right now. A new study just came out that said more than 59% of workers are facing burnout, higher than pandemic levels. We are still feeling it now! I think there’s a few reasons why:

1. There’s high expectations from employers to get back to normal. All of our flexibility for parents and caregivers have been taken away.

2. There’s a lack of people-first culture in a lot of workplaces. We have to prioritize employee listening as a strategic mechanism for success. We can’t just ask the questions, but we have to follow up on what we hear from them, so they feel loyal and a part of the team.

3. There’s a lack of childcare. When families are expected to be able to just jump back into normal work life, but nothing has changed to make it easier for them to be able to leave their kids, of course burnout is going to happen.

4. Caregivers are caught in the middle as a part of the sandwich generation. They’re trying to take care of their aging parents as well as their kids. And women feel that pull even harder, so they feel like they can’t make a successful decision. They either have to leave the workforce altogether or lessen the amount of work they’re doing.

5. Sexism continues to play a role at home and the workplace. Women are still dealing with being the she-fault parent at home, while still feeling all the pressures at work. We like to think that there’s been huge leaps made in the workplace for women, but because women are disproportionately taking on the load at home but still not getting accommodations at work, there’s a chasm that’s created where women simply aren’t able to show up how they want.

Caregiver burnout doesn’t just affect caregivers personally, but it also affects businesses in tangible ways. It’s not just a “nice thing to have” when you are attending to your workers’ needs, but it also affects the work that your employees do. Performance suffers and then the workplace suffers. 46% of people say that mental health negatively affected their performance at work which is up from 34% in 2021. 51% of employers are recognizing that mental health has impacted their workplace over the last year. As we’ve said, women are more greatly affected by this, but certain socioeconomic and racial groups are hit harder as well.

When I speak to heads of HR and large corporations, I tell them that if you want to create a work culture that prevents burnout and supports caregivers, you need to think about helping your caregivers on your team figure out ways that to create a life that’s like that original instagram post I was talking about. Help them create a life that they don’t have to run away from or recover from.

Think about it like this: imagine the “work hard, play hard” crowd from colleges. If they party all weekend long, then they have to really work to get it together during the week. But they have to work so hard because they’re in the middle of college that they just want to zone out or lose themselves over the weekend. And the cycle continues. This leads to all sorts of mental health issues and it’s the same for caregivers in the workplace.

When companies want to support their employees but also get the best work out of them as possible, they have to actually invest in their employees personally. Treating them like humans, model authenticity, trusting them to get their work done.

You also have to practice what you preach and stand behind the values you say you have. This includes equity not equality. Not every person needs to leave at 4pm, but some might have one day where that’s really important. Blanket statements don’t work, you have to listen to what they need.

Parenting out loud. It’s the idea from Mary Beth Ferrante, that when you’re in leadership and you talk about yourself as a whole person AND a parent where you allow people to see all facets about you, it allows your employees to do the same for themselves.

Promote individual work life integration practices. You have to teach them how to organize their stress because this is not something we’re taught how to do! Something I did recently for my own life, was change how I was working out. I was doing my Peloton rides, my yoga, all the things that really help my mindfulness, but I didn’t think they were doing much to help me feel good in my body. I was working so hard, but they weren’t giving me the results that I wanted. And my husband told me it was because the activities I was doing were too much hard work and it forced my body to recover even more intensely. So I was burning muscle, feeling tired, and eating more food to recover from that hard work load.

And we do that in the workplace too. People have to work so hard that then they feel like they have to recover all the time. And if we can just create a life and work culture that doesn’t require us running away and recovering constantly we are going to feel so much more satisfied as well as produce better work. As a mom if you’re struggling to keep all the balls in the air, but at the end of the day you’re not satisfied with the results you’re getting, maybe you’re doing it wrong.

That’s how the Conflicted to Centered Blueprint came about. To give you a way to take every single bit of stress in your life and give it its own space. I want to give you permission if you feel like you’ve been working so hard to find “balance,” maybe you need a new way to do things. A new path forward that will get you so much less stuck.

If you're a working mom looking to 'find the joy' and begin on that journey of advocating for yourself, first you need to know what it is you're going to ask for. Please begin my FREE daily email series, The Joyful Working Mom. Here's the link, mama!

NAVIGATING SICK SEASON AS A BUSY WORKING MOM

Mon, 23 Jan 2023 14:00:07 GMT

As a mom, you know that in “cold and flu season,” the operative word is “season.” We’re not one and done here. It’s more like all and forever.

One kid gets another one sick, who passes it to everyone else. Lots of snot. Lots of hacking.

And then for four glorious days, everyone is healthy.

Until another kid comes home with a fever. And it starts all over again.

And it’s not usually the type of sick where they just wanna lay on the couch all day. It’s that level of sickness that somehow gives them more energy (I have zero medical or scientific evidence for why this happens. But it’s straight #momfacts.) They run around and cough all over each other, making it impossible for you to get any work done.

Because we know you’re not ACTUALLY taking a day off when your kids get sick. You do as much as you can so that you’re not totally behind when you’re able to go back to work. You have to make sure that people know you’re a valuable employee, right?

But what happens when YOU start to get that scratch in the back of your throat? When you realize that the 2pm slump has actually moved to 9:30am because you feel like you just got hit by a truck?

It’s one of the most panic-inducing feelings for a working mom: you know you’re starting to get sick.

Most of us try to chug a bunch of OJ, take an extra one of our kids’ multi-vitamins and hope for the best. But here’s the deal: you’re actually making it way worse on yourself by not paying attention to what your body actually needs.

The science is clear: you’re more likely to get sick when you’re not taking care of yourself. And you’re more likely to stay sick longer when you’re not taking care of yourself WHILE you’re sick.

This is one of the reasons I stress self-care so often. It’s not just so you have time for yourself. By lowering your overall stress hormone load, it actually makes you less susceptible to getting sick. Pretty crazy what some long walks and deep breathing can do, right?

Here’s my top 3 (probably pretty obvious) things busy working moms can do to stay healthy in the midst of cold and flu season:

GET ENOUGH REST

If you’ve got young babies at home, you’re probably laughing (or maybe crying) right now. I know that seems like a high measure when you’d even love a solid 20 minutes. But sleep is critical to your immune system. When you’re running on empty, you’re begging to get sick.

If getting 8 hours every night isn’t really feasible in your season, think about who you can ask for help. State your needs to your partner, ask your parents or inlaws to watch the baby for a few hours, or even a teenager from your neighborhood who can be there while you’re still at home.

If you’re not in babyland and are at home with older sick kiddos, getting rest is equally as important for you. Resist the urge to work every second you’re not wiping a snotty nose. Taking the time to slow down, even shutting your eyes while Netflix keeps your kids contained, can be so helpful! At night, especially if you’re feeling drained or like something could be coming your way, hit the hay as early as you can in order to give your body plenty of time to recuperate.

WATER, WATER, WATER

It’s one of the EASIEST ways moms can take care of themselves and it’s basically free. You don’t need a fancy Stanley to get your ounces in. Although, I will say, finding a glass or bottle that you love will up your chances of drinking enough throughout the day, simply because you’ll like looking at it.

Staying hydrated while you’re sick or trying to prevent illness is kind of magic. It keeps your kidneys functioning in order to help properly filter out waste and balance electrolytes. It allows your blood to flow properly bringing all of those germ-fighting cells where they need to go. It even helps your mucus membranes act as a barrier for bacteria trying to enter the body!

So, for real, drink plenty of fluids.

EAT FOOD

Actually eating 3 meals is one of the first things to go on a busy day. And if you’re not eating, your body gets depleted of all the nutrients it needs in order to keep doing its best at keeping the germs at bay. So you can’t just make sure your kiddos have food and call it a day.

But I’m not just talking about a cup of coffee and a muffin.

Your body needs balance.

Break it down in terms of macro nutrients (carbs, fats, and proteins) and try to pair two of those together at a time. So don’t just eat an apple (carbs) but add a scoop of peanut butter to your slices (fats). Don’t just eat some yogurt (protein) but throw in some granola or fruit on top (carbs). Sprinkle on some chia seeds (fats) to make the perfect trifecta!

I know that when you or your kiddos are sick, Gatorade and ramen seem like they’ll save the day. But I promise, everyone will feel so much better (and so much quicker!) if you can plan out a little bit of nutrition to go along with it.

As moms, we are tempted all the time to put our needs on the back burner for our kids, especially while they’re sick. And I’m not saying it won’t take some sacrifices. But in order to keep everyone at their healthiest mentally, physically, and emotionally, you’ve to make sure you’re taking care of yourself, too.

WHY SELF-COMPASSION NEEDS TO BE THE #1 CHANGE IN YOUR LIFE

Thu, 19 Jan 2023 14:00:00 GMT

This week, Dr. Whitney chats with Dr. Carla Naumburg, author of You Are Not a Sh*tty Parent: How to Practice Self-Compassion and Give Yourself a Break and How to Stop Losing Your Sh*T With Your Kids. They talk about the importance of practicing self-compassion as a means to move through hard moments in life.

EPISODE Highlights:

Dr. Whitney: Tell me about how your latest book, You Are Not a Sh*tty Parent, came about.

Carla: When the pandemic hit, no one knew what to do. We had no idea how to parent while we were working a full time job at home. No one knew how to school our kids while worrying about a world wide virus. No one knew how to do any of it. And our options were between bad and worse, only we didn’t know which was bad and which was worse. And we had to continually make these decisions for our kid that was choosing between one of those. School or home. Work or parenting.

So I was very aware that we needed to treat ourselves with self-compassion. And by that, I mean noticing when we are suffering and responding ourselves with kindness. Because we’re bombarded with ways that our kids are behind and loaded with all of this guilt, so I knew this was the topic I needed to write about.

Dr. Whitney: The idea of common humanity from Dr. Kristen Neff, is the idea that we aren’t alone in our sufferings. That we shouldn’t feel bad about the way that we’re feeling, but that there’s a million people feeling the same way as us. That helped me a ton in regards to self-compassion. Did you ever feel that way?

Carla: Absolutely. Social media can be a great thing that bridges us together, but it can also be the thing that makes us feel isolated because we don’t feel like we’re doing it as well as others. But the idea of common humanity is incorporated into my self-compassion practice, especially when I lost it with my kids. Instead of assuming that I’m the only one who ever yelled at her kids, I started telling myself that parenting is hard for everyone. And just because something is hard doesn’t mean that you’re doing it wrong. In my book, I call it connecting. So either connecting with yourself to remind yourself that you’re not alone or connecting with friends or professionals who can help you see that.

Dr. Whitney: This reminded me of two things: a moment where my husband was fed up about a lot of stressful things that were happening and totally lost his temper and also when my daughters were being mean to each other and shattered this mirror everywhere. When I was talking to my friend about it the next day, I was kind of having a “this only happens to bad moms” moment and she told me “everyone gets to behave badly.” We all have moments like that, right? We lose our temper, we act meanly. We’re humans. But her telling me that was such a relief.

Carla: What a friend! That’s the voice of compassion we all need to hear. We all have miserable days, we just don’t all share them on instagram. So when we do have them, we feel like no one else has ever felt this way.

Dr. Whitney: Are there practices that you’ve added in your self-compassion journey? What worked better than others or was it just the awareness piece? I always think of it as awareness, validation, and then the common humanity. Can you expand on that?

Carla: My practice is a little bit different, but that’s what’s great about self-compassion–it’s very flexible. For me, the first step was learning that self-compassion even existed. I learned about mindfulness as a last ditch effort to get my own emotions under control. So I learned that it’s not just this oooey gooey thing, but it’s actually an evidenced based practice that helps you move through difficult moments and lowers anxiety and depression. So even acknowledging that that was helpful was step number one for me.

But in the book, I outline 4 steps: First, notice when you are suffering and how it presents in your thoughts. Notice the voice that is beating yourself up and telling self-deprecating stories. The second step is about connecting with someone who is going to help you frame those stories with a lens of non-judgement. The next step is curiosity around your own experience. Maybe in a bad moment, ask yourself, “What is actually happening right now?” Now what your thoughts are telling you, but what is actually happening. Curiosity is about getting a handle on what’s happening and what you need. And then take those answers seriously. The last piece is kindness, which the biggest way is speaking to yourself with kindness. I don’t have to be a perfect parent to be a great one. Everyone gets to behave badly. Just because it’s hard doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. You show up for others with kindness when they are suffering–do that for yourself as well.

Dr. Whitney: As you’ve practiced this more, do you find that it bleeds over to other areas of your life besides parenting? Do you notice yourself practicing that compassion more now, rather than having to find it in someone else?

Carla: YES! Learning to treat yourself with compassion is just like learning a new language. It won’t happen overnight, but it takes time and practice and you will get there. And once you learn Spanish, it’s not like you can just speak it with your kids. You can start using it at work, with your partner. And that’s how treating yourself with compassion feels. Rewiring your brain for self-compassion starts to bleed into every other area of your life.

Let’s talk about practicing it yourself versus going to someone else for it. If you can’t speak the language, you have to go a native speaker. If you aren’t there yet, you have to fake it till you make it. Repeating the messages and keep practicing. Even when it feels weird, I promise it gets better. You’re rewiring the neurons in your brain and that takes time!

Dr. Whitney: I don’t think you HAVE to have any extras to do this, but if any of you are struggling with how to start, Mindful Mamas is my go to and it’s all mom-centric. I think that talking to myself with compassion has been the biggest thing that’s changed my life. It certainly hasn’t changed my circumstances, but absolutely changes the way I cope with them. And I’m a much better parent, wife, doctor, friend because of it.

Carla: This reminds me of the Buddhist story of the two arrows. There’s an arrow that comes at us. Could be a job loss, a diagnosis, a child’s behavior, whatever. These first arrows are unavoidable. They’re going to come. And then immediately after, a second arrow comes and hits us right in the sore spot. That second arrow is however we respond to whatever just happened to us. We blame ourselves, we shame ourselves, we get angry. All of these things that make the moment worse. The first arrow is the pain of life; it’s unavoidable. But we can put down that second arrow. We don’t have to get struck with it.

So you lost your temper. That’s a first arrow thing, it’s going to happen. After that first arrow hits, are we going to stab ourselves with the second one? More pain, more sorrow? Or are we going to immediately start the work of repair for yourself and those that are affected?

And so much parenting advice focuses on the first arrow problems. Bad sleeps, tantrums, picky eaters. But those arrows are going to come. But we choose to pick up the second arrow and tell ourselves that if we were good parents, this wouldn’t be happening. That’s second arrow BS right there. We have to let go of that and combat it with self-compassion.

Dr. Whitney: Tell us again the name of your book and where people can get it.

Carla: It’s called You Are Not a Sh*tty Parent: How to Practice Self-Compassion and Give Yourself a Break and it published in September of 2022. You can get it independent book shops or at your favorite online retailer.

THE ULTIMATE MOMMY “ME TIME” GUIDE

Wed, 11 Jan 2023 20:27:03 GMT

There’s no doubt about it, being a mom is a hard job. Whether it’s one kid or multiple, the daily tasks can take a toll on a mom's mental and physical health. Mothers deserve to have some “me time” to decompress and care for their own well-being. Every mom is different when it comes to what they need to destress and how much time it may take but we have some tips and tricks that all moms will love. Read on for the ultimate guide to mommy “me time”.

Declutter and Organize

Decluttering and organization are things that typically need to be done on a regular basis. Consider this time “me time” as you’ll be fully focused on these tasks instead of your typical mom duties. It’s known that cleaning can help with anxiety and help manage stress. This can be a form of mindfulness — which we will further discuss later on — that can help take your mind off the stress and focus more on the task at hand. For example, while you’re washing the dishes, focus on the warmth of the water and how the soap feels on your hands. At that moment, you may start to feel a sense of relief.

Not only can doing your typical household chores help calm you, but finally working on managing your money can significantly decrease your financial stress. Finances can be one of the most stressful and difficult things to deal with depending on your comfortability with money and personal situation. Prioritizing the time to work out your finances and develop a management system you can maintain will help immensely. Start by paying any and all bills to keep your credit score in line, then move onto working on a savings account and a strict budget to keep your finances in check. All these tips are elements of a proper financial management system that can help you approach future investments with confidence and reduced stress. Should you plan on purchasing a new home or car in the future, knowing your qualifying credit score and budget limits ahead of time will help avoid financial stressors from cutting into your “me time.”

Find a Safe Space

Finding a safe and comfortable place to decompress in your home is extremely important. You need a room where you can be alone when you have free time, even if it’s for five minutes. Many moms use their bathroom in order to shut themselves off for a few minutes, but others try and dedicate a room just for them. In these rooms, you should figure out what triggers you and remove it. It may be noises, certain harsh lights, or even clutter in general. You want this room to be as calming as possible.

Not only should you remove the negative things in your safe space, but add the positives. Try an essential oil diffuser or a Himalayan salt lamp to create a peaceful atmosphere. Maybe a calming sound machine that you can listen to for a few minutes while you take some deep breaths. These techniques could help you avoid a mama meltdown and bring you back to a calm place.

Work on Mindfulness

As we discussed earlier, mindfulness is an amazing technique that can help transform motherhood . When overwhelmed, it’s common to feel like there’s nothing that you can do to settle down which sends you into a meltdown. Maybe the simple exercise of deep breathing isn’t helping and you need to try something a little different. Mindfulness is an act of meditation where you become fully present in what you’re doing and notice the sounds, feelings, and sensations of your surroundings. Being mindful of all these things can help you recenter yourself. This may take some time to master, but once you’ve become an expert at mindfulness, your life will definitely change for the better.

A few mindful activities you can do to help ground yourself are eating, walking, taking a shower, and drawing. While you eat, pay close attention to the smells, tastes, and textures of your food. When walking, breathe in the scents around you and feel the fresh air on your face. In the shower, be mindful of the warm water rushing through your hair and the feel of the shampoo in your hands. When drawing, pay attention to the way the pen feels in your hand and the way your drawing comes to life. A simple task like this could take mere minutes, but can significantly decrease your stress level.

Not only will these tips help you when you’re feeling stressed, but can also be a preventative activity during your mommy “me time”. Of course, your kids are your top priority, but that doesn’t mean you can’t take care of yourself too. Make time for yourself so that you can be the best mom you want to be.

OOPS, WE DID IT AGAIN. CHILDCARE SHORTAGES ARE BACK.

Mon, 09 Jan 2023 18:28:22 GMT

We’ve got a childcare crisis happening here in the United States.

And no, you’re not reading an article from 2020. It’s happening again. Well, I should say, it’s STILL happening. It’s just made worse by another round of illness hitting our kids, which, in turn, hits our whole household.

2020 was an outlier based on every statistic imaginable. If you were comparing trends for just about anything, you’d have to throw out 2020 because nothing made sense then. Everything was new for everyone and parents were having to navigate things they never even dreamed of.

Childcare was not only impossible to find, but if you found it, it was astronomically priced. So more and more parents were having to take time off work in order to take care of their sick kids or stay at home and educate them.

I was really hoping all of that was behind us.

Yet, in October of 2022, we hit even higher record numbers of parents missing work due to issues with childcare–numbers that reached higher than the peak of the pandemic! 100,000 parents were unable to come to work because they couldn't find anyone to help watch their kids. The difference between now and then is that we’re in the middle of a recession and things are even more strained financially for most families. So time off of work is a really big deal.

I have heard from countless women that are dealing with this.

So, as busy working moms, what can we do to make this slightly easier on ourselves?

I think the name of the game is being proactive. We can’t wait till our kid comes home with a cough and a runny nose before we take action. Here’s 3 places ways I think you can start getting things lined up for yourself TODAY:

DON’T FORGET YOUR VILLAGE

We did it in 2020 and I know we’ll do it in 2022. Families banded together to make things work. How can you think outside of the people in your home? Start having those conversations now so that you have a list ready to go that you can work through when illness hits. Here’s just a few ideas:

Extended family that lives in the area
Your datenight babysitter list (and your friend’s list as well!)
Retired couples in your neighborhood
Homeschooling families that might have more flex in their day
Families from your kids extracurricular activities
Other school families
Families from church

Those last 3 are great to swap with…especially if their kids are home sick too! Not that you really want to be taking care of MORE sick kids, but we know that phase of sick that kids get to that’s “too sick for school because no one wants to hear hacking all day, but definitely not sick enough to lay down and watch movies.” If kids from the same class caught the same cold, might as well band together so moms can get some work done.

But don’t forget that this is a swap–you’ve got to make the offer to watch their kids as well.

USE TECHNOLOGY TO DELEGATE

Apps need to be your best friend when you’re overwhelmed and there’s a lot that can help you now, even if you don’t have a sick kiddo at home while you’re trying to conference in to work. While these apps won’t actually watch your kids for you, they’ll make all the other stuff you have to get done a little bit easier.

Here’s just a few:

Yohana : this is like having specialized assistants in every area of your life. They check things off your to-do list so you don’t have to.
Maple: this app helps you to spread out the responsibility in your home to everyone so that mom doesn’t end up doing everything
Grocery delivery: enough said

TALK TO YOUR BOSS

I can’t stress this enough: if you wait until your kid is sick to have this conversation with your boss, you’ve waited too long. Having an open dialogue with them even from the time you get hired will set up such a better culture when the day comes that you can’t come in.

If you haven’t made them aware of needs you might have, no one else is going to do it for you. You can let them know backup childcare options you have in place, but that there might come a time when you will have to work from home. Ask them if there are any systems set up for virtual work or if you could help develop them. You might even find that your boss has some ideas or resources when it comes to childcare.

Don’t wait on this one, mama. We’re all only one kid’s sneeze away from the whole family getting taken down. And actions you take now can make that whole process so much easier on you!

HOW TO CHANGE YOUR MINDSET AROUND MOTHERHOOD

Thu, 05 Jan 2023 14:00:00 GMT

EPISODE Highlights:

Dr. Whitney: Today I’m speaking with Amy Grechniel, founder and CEO of Corporate Mom Coach. We are both really aligned with what we want for moms: more ease and a more reclaimed sense of self in motherhood. So I can’t wait to hear from you. Tell me about your story and how you became so mission focused.

Amy: I had always been focused on my career and really wanted to get ahead in it. Which was great. And then I became a mom and a very real, internal shift happened within me. I was becoming curious of how I should show up in this new role as a mom. Because the tools I had for showing up in my career didn’t always apply in motherhood. So I had to learn new tools and techniques and I became hooked on personal development, specifically within motherhood. So I created this brand and company to help women, based on what I went through myself.

Dr. Whitney: Tell me a little bit about your career before this shift. I’m sure there were some pain points happening within that role that pointed you in the direction that you wanted to go once you became a mom.

Amy: I was in management consulting for ten years after college and then I went into financial services and was a VP of a banking institution before I left to start my own businesses as a coach. But I loved my corporate career! It was just that when I entered into a new role as a parent, it was a punch in the gut. I didn’t know how anything was going to look or work now. Mom culture tells us that everything has to be overwhelming, but I didn’t want to subscribe to that. I wanted to lean into it and see if there was a way to make it enjoyable.

Dr. Whitney: Let’s talk about the difference between therapy and coaching. I know you believe, and I do too, that there’s a time and a place for both of them.

Amy: With therapy, they focus so much on the past. What happened in the past and how it affected you. And if there’s any changes you need to make today because of it. But what I found with therapy is that you tend to go over the same things over and over and over. It wasn’t creating any lasting awareness or change. But when I started working with coaches, I saw this shift that was more encompassed around goal orientation. I realized I get to choose how I think, how I feel, and I’m not a victim of my past. So we took what we knew about the past and reframed it for what you want out of the future. When you learn the mindset tools that can give you the goals that you want in life, it’s life changing. It was so powerful, but no one was talking about it! So I wanted to give people that forward momentum.

Dr. Whitney: I wanna hear about additional tools that you’ve learned or ones you’ve talked about with your clients. Ones that you don’t want any other woman listening to this podcast to live without.
Amy: The most powerful mindset tool I’ve learned is called the TFAR model and stands for Thoughts, Feelings, Actions, Results. You would think of a circumstance or fact (the baby woke up early), and then look at your thoughts and feelings around them. We as humans get to choose our thoughts about a circumstance. If we’re in the habit of filling ourselves with negative thoughts, that’s going to change the way we feel. You get to choose how long you remain with those thoughts and feelings. So controlling and managing your mindset is one of the first things that can change your outcomes.

Connect with Aimee

HOW THE BODY DEALS WITH STRESS AND HANDLES TRAUMA

Thu, 22 Dec 2022 14:00:02 GMT

EPISODE Highlights:

We’re going to look at the idea, based on the book from Bessel van der Kolk called “ The Body Keeps Score: Brain, Body, and Mind in the Healing of Trauma ,” which talks about the price we pay physically and emotionally when we don’t pay attention to our needs, to the core of who we are, to when we need rest, and what matters most to us. The author speaks about how trauma really stays with us in our body until we actually deal with the trauma itself. When he’s talking about trauma, he’s speaking about major trauma like loss of a parent at a young age, a physical violation of your boundaries, or seeing something extremely traumatic in front of you. However, the topics can be applied to both major and minor traumas alike. Trauma not only affects our mind and what and how we think, but our body as well, and how it operates.

The science is clear: you’re more likely to get sick when you’re not taking care of yourself. Stress and headaches go hand in hand. Poor sleep and headaches go hand in hand. The more we work in a way that isn’t balanced and integrated and push ourselves beyond our limits in ways that are unhealthy and don’t take care of ourselves, the more collateral damage we’re doing to our bodies and our stress hormones. And as a result, this requires more work to take care of ourselves because of all the stress.

As women, sometimes we have to unlearn a lot of the “grind” because we end up behaving in ways that aren’t healthy in order to prove to others (and sometimes ourselves) that we deserve to have a spot at the table. Or that we’re smart enough. Or hard working enough. And it creates more stress, which creates more unhealth, and then we work to overcompensate for that, and the cycle goes on and on.

When you think about how you want to spend your time, think about your vision for your life. What are your goals? Not just your KPIs in your business, but what are the priorities that you want to focus on? What do you want it to feel like when you achieve those goals? That you’re connected to your kids? That you’re not stressed about money? That you feel good in your body? That the work you do is meaningful? If those are your goals for 5 years from now, how can you make decisions now that align with that? Whatever you’re practicing now will be what you’re experiencing in 5 years.

Let’s break down the science of how and why our bodies “keep score.” We all know that stress is a part of life and a certain amount of it is actually good. It keeps us rolling and making decisions rather than just being so relaxed that we don’t feel the need or pressure to move the needle. It’s the tipping point that is the problem. As you worry and have stress, a chemical is built up in your body called cortisol. And cortisol is a part of the “fight or flight” response in your body that gears you up to respond physically to a problem or run away. That’s why you feel physical reactions when you’re stressed: rapid heart rate, nausea, headaches, stomach aches, etc. And cortisol signals your body to release glucose because your muscles need sugar in order to have energy to operate. And then when the threat is over, your cortisol levels go back down. So in small instances, cortisol is actually extremely helpful for your body. But if your levels remain high all the time and your body is just constantly producing sugar and your vessels remain constricted because you’re stressed, it’s terrible from a physiological standpoint. It leads to all the symptoms we mentioned earlier: headaches, stomach aches (we see this all the time in anxious kids!), sleeplessness, etc… If cortisol levels remain high, you’re constantly in threat mode and the body and mind start to operate in ways that we don’t want it to.

What can you do? First, come back to your priorities. We call it your Centered Vision at Modern Mommy Doc . What are the things that you want to be focusing on in 5 years? Start making actions and decisions towards that now. Second, exercise! Move that energy outside your body and give yourself a way to process those stress hormones. Third, practice mindful self-compassion. Fourth, choose a schedule that gives you enough white space to be able to take care of yourself. You deserve to live a life that, at the end of it, feels like it meant something.

IT’S THE MOST CLUTTERED TIME OF THE YEAR: HOW TO HAVE A CHRISTMAS SEASON THAT DOESN’T ADD JUST ADD MORE STUFF

Mon, 19 Dec 2022 14:00:06 GMT

Dec 25th: Beautifully decorated tree with wrapped presents beneath, just begging to be opened.

Dec 26th: Wrapping paper everywhere. Boxes everywhere. All the tiny pieces to all the toys everywhere. Mom’s sanity? Can't be found.

I’ve heard from a looooot of moms lately that one of their least favorite days of the year is December 26th. All of the anticipation of Christmas is gone. The magic has vanished till next year. Kids have been up early and to bed late for several days. They’re on sugar rushes and stimulation overloads.

Pure chaos.

Plus, there’s stuff EVERYWHERE.

No one is in the mood to clean up, so there’s dishes left from all the meals.

I’m usually desperately trying to straddle the line of letting my kids relax and play with their new stuff and also making piles of everyone’s presents so they can take them and put them away in their rooms (while I remind them all that “away” doesn’t mean on the floor every 5 minutes.)

Christmases like this leave me feeling depleted and entirely stressed out. I hate asking my kids to stop what they’re doing and help me put the house back together. But I also hate heading back to work while my house still feels like a wreck at the end of the week, which is what usually happens.

And all of it centers around clutter. Too much visual noise in my home. I know I don’t function at my highest like this. And you don’t either (it’s actually science, I promise!)

But how do you still have the magic of Christmas (which usually involves some sort of gift giving) without bringing in SO MUCH STUFF?

I asked Shira Gill , a globally recognized author and organizing expert, that same thing. Her answer was really practical (which you know I love!).

She said, “The holidays leading up to the new year are a great opportunity to clear some space, reset, and start fresh. Consider setting aside a few hours to do a sweep of your home so you can declutter and reset your space”

Essentially, before you bring a bunch of new things in, clear out the old! When we don’t, that’s how the clutter becomes exhausting and unmanageable.

But what about kids? It’s their stuff that’s usually the problem (at least that’s what we tell ourselves). Shira says, “[This time before Christmas is] also a prime opportunity to help your kids make decisions about which clothes, books, toys, and games they have outgrown. If you are met with resistance you can remind them that they'll be receiving exciting new things for the holidays and need to create space to store them.”

If you don’t think you’ll have time before the holidays, I’ve heard of a lot of families doing a great clean out the day AFTER Christmas and instituting a 1 in, 2 out rule. For every one new thing you got, we’re going to give away two.

So how do you manage the actual gift giving if you don’t want to bring in a bunch of clutter?

First, find out what’s on the top of your kids’ lists. If they tell you 10 things that they want and you pick and choose, you might not be hitting those faves for them. And that means they’re less likely to get played with later, which leads to more clutter.

Second, be ready with specifics when it comes to aunts and uncles and grandparents who want to buy for your kids. If they’re left to their own devices, they’re more likely to buy things that a) won’t get played with longer than a week or b) have 8,795 pieces that will make you lose your ish. Amazon wish lists can be your best friend.

Third, remember that you’re the parent. Yes, Christmas is a joyous and magical time. But even if the number one thing my kid wants for Christmas is noisy, messy, and not going to be worth the money, that’s a hard pass from me. You know your kids better than they know themselves, so even if they SAY they will play with the lifesize Sven from Frozen doll, you know better. It’s just gonna become a clutter magnet.

Your home can be peaceful this Christmas (and the days after). It can actually feel like a place you can relax in. But it’s going to take intentional work on your part in order to make space (literally and figuratively) for what really matters.

Grab Shira’s clutter-free gift guide here .

Read her blog about how to deal with unwanted gifts here .

WHEN THEY DON’T GET WHAT THEY WANT: HOW TO WORK THROUGH BIG EXPECTATIONS WITH YOUR KIDS AROUND CHRISTMAS

Mon, 12 Dec 2022 17:08:37 GMT

It’s Christmas morning. You’ve just sat down with your favorite mug to watch your kids open their presents. It’s chilly outside, but you’re feeling so cozy and grateful for this time. Nothing could ruin this moment.

And then the tears start.

“I didn’t get the art set I wanted! That’s what I wanted the most! I hate Christmas!”

Well, that’ll snap you back into reality.

As much as we’d love it if they could, kids don’t automatically fast forward into maturity just because it’s Christmas time. Disappointment, overwhelm, and exhaustion are all normonal feelings for kids to have in this next month. And they’re probably not ready to handle that on their own just yet.

Can you imagine? “I think I’m going to lie down for a bit. All of the people and the noise are overstimulating me. So I’m going to take some time to rest so I can come out later and be at my best.”

Every mom would fall over dead.

So how can we help set our kids up for success when it comes to their expectations and emotions around Christmas?

Be very clear on what you know.

There’s so many surprising and unexpected things that happen in the month of December. Drop-by visitors, seeing people you only visit once a year, later bedtimes. All of this can throw kids for a loop. And while you want to maintain as much of the magic and mystery that you can surrounding the season, if there are concrete things you can tell your kids, do that!

Let them know the schedule for the day/week/month in advance. Help them to see when new things have been added to the calendar and where you’ve got nothing planned so they can recharge.

If things will look different this year for Christmas, it’s best to be upfront about that too. Lots of families are feeling the stretch of their budget not going as far right now, and buying gifts only makes that worse. Although you probably don’t want to delve into the ins and outs of your portfolio with your kids, don’t be afraid to have those conversations.

If this year there’s only room for either Christmas morning gifts OR the lots of little things you add in throughout the month, let them choose. That way they still feel like they’re getting what they want out of the holiday season. Or if you can only afford 1-2 gifts per child, ask them to tell you their top items on their Christmas list so you can avoid meltdowns on Christmas morning.

Ask for their input.

Not only do you want to find out their top gift ideas, ask them what an ideal Christmas season looks like. Is there an activity that they love that makes it feel like Christmas to them? Planning out things for your Elf on the Shelf to do every day makes NO sense if your kid couldn’t care less and only wants to bake cookies and watch Christmas movies.

It’s also a great idea to talk to them about how they’ve experienced their emotions about Christmas in the past. And don’t be afraid to be truthful with them–it will only help both of you understand how they feel. I have one daughter who would be disappointed on Christmas no matter what I do. If she got a pony, she’d be sad she didn’t get a horse. It’s not really about entitlement, that’s just how she processes all the things that the holidays bring.

So this year, I’m trying to have a conversation with her about it. Something like, “A lot of times, it seems like you’re disappointed with how Christmas turns out for you. What else could we do, besides more presents, that could help it feel more special?” You’ll be surprised what they come up with!

Practice Radical Acceptance (and help your kiddos with it too!)

As much as I’d love to give you advice that will work every time so your kids end every Christmas season by running to give you a big bear hug and a huge “THANKS mom for all you do! You’re the best!”, that’s just not gonna happen. Kids are still kids and most of the time, THEIR reactions also don’t live up to OUR expectations.

So you also need to go into this season with the mentality that some days are going to be great. And some might suck. But that’s okay. It would make sense to feel stressed when money is tight. It would make sense to feel sad when you’re missing family. It would make sense that you’re disappointed not to be able to attend your favorite event of the year.

But the sooner you can accept those feelings as good and valid, the sooner you can move forward. Same with your kids! Help them to see that all their feelings make sense, but [X] is how to move forward.

Then you BOTH can have a very merry holiday season.

MOMS, STOP DOING EVERYTHING: HOW TO EXPAND THE OWNERSHIP OF RESPONSIBILITIES IN YOUR HOME

Thu, 01 Dec 2022 16:50:39 GMT

EPISODE Highlights:

This week we’re chatting with Michael Perry, founder of the Maple app , designed to help make managing your home easier by expanding the ownership of responsibilities to more than just moms and creating a “back office” for your home.

Dr. Whitney: This week we’re chatting with Michael Perry, founder of the Maple app , designed to help make managing your home easier by expanding the ownership of responsibilities to more than just moms and creating a “back office” for your home.

Women are afraid of asking for help because they don’t want to appear as nagging. Maple really serves as that middle man and kind of does the nagging for you, right?

Michael: There’s been the same examples for us of motherhood and fatherhood for millions of years and we easily slip into those patterns when it comes to household responsibilities, even if it doesn’t make sense for our families anymore. There’s twice as many families with two working parents than there were in 1940, so things are different. But most people just avoid those conversations to ask for help and suffer in silence while most men honestly don’t realize the poor division of labor. So Maple can really be a lightbulb moment for many to realize exactly how much each partner is doing. We owe it to ourselves and our families to step up in these seasons.

Dr. Whitney: Can you walk us through how the app works? I know it’s a division of labor, but how does it work?

Michael: The goal is to have a more shared responsibility in your home, so when you sign up, it immediately allows you to add a life partner or nanny (whomever you want to share responsibility with) to the app. Then it asks you the one thing you want to get started working on, whether that’s grocery shopping, bills and finances, household chores, birthday parties, or planning summer camps. Anyone you invite has access to those topics. Within each of those, there are four tools: calendaring, to dos, a shared notes area, and a messaging area. Everyone sees everything that’s put in so the entire home can get a real clear idea of what needs to be done and who is assigned to what tasks. This allows you to run your home as efficiently as you would a business, and, like any business, everyone is expected to participate.

Dr. Whitney: When you treat your home like a business, it elevates the work from being just seen as “housewife work” to being seen as work that has value. And if it doesn’t have value, we shouldn’t be doing it.

Michael: Exactly and at the end of the day, our children are our life's work. That’s what we will care most about at the end of our lives. We take the tooling we built for homes very seriously because our promise to our users is that with our app, they’re going to do their best work in terms of caring and raising our families.

Dr. Whitney: I think that’s where the “lean in” movement gets it wrong. I’m all for women rising up and working hard and getting c-suites, but it can’t be at the expense of having great relationships with our families and kids.

Michael: I can’t name the most influential person in 1900 or the best selling book of 1920 or even 2020. But I can tell you that I miss my grandfather who recently died. And I will miss him for the rest of my life. But it wasn’t how much money he made or what he accomplished that I will miss. It was the time he spent with us. The world won’t miss me. The world won’t miss Maple. But my children will miss me the same way I miss my grandfather. We don’t really matter that much to the world, but we matter a lot to certain people, most often our children. And we wanted to be able to create that for more families.

Dr. Whitney: Where can people find you and the app so people can take the contention out of these conversations and really get centered on what matters most in their lives?

Over on instagram and Twitter for my personal stuff as well as instagram for the app. You can also find us at our website at growmaple.com.

WELLNESS RESOLUTIONS TO MAKE THE NEW YEAR BRIGHT

Tue, 29 Nov 2022 18:18:12 GMT

It’s no secret: the holidays can be stressful. As much as we love the tinsel strung with care, the

bright wrapping paper and time spent with loved ones, it’s not always that simple; especially for

a mom who is responsible for stringing the tinsel with care, buying and wrapping those presents,

and coordinating the festivities. For a mom with (already) too much to do, the added stress of

these obligations can definitely leave you feeling more burnt out than merry by the time the new

year rolls around. We’ve compiled a list of self-care tips to help you beat holiday burnout, enjoy

the festivities, and kick off 2023 with your best foot forward.

Tip #1: Say “No”

Sometimes, prioritizing self-care means saying “no” to things that don’t bring you joy and rest,

so that you have more time to say “yes” to the things that do. Whether it’s a company work

party, a kid’s play-date you aren’t crazy about, or even the super time-intensive dish your mom

wants you to whip up for the festivities—it’s okay to say no. This rejection can not only save you

from burnout, but it can allow you the freedom to make decisions that serve you. In fact, saying

no can even make you more successful , because you are freeing yourself from the obligation to

make other people happy at the expense of your own wellness.

It’s understandable if this feels like an impossible habit, especially as a mom. Often, we avoid

saying no because we are trying to avoid potential conflict or fallout, or because we are

disappointed in hurting someone we care about. As moms, those pressures can feel even more

prominent, especially when saying no to our kids. It might take time and practice to build

confidence in saying no, so it could be helpful to seek backup from friends and family and look

for tips on how to practice mindful decision making . Even though it can be hard work, setting a

resolution to say no in 2023 might help you learn how to say yes to yourself.

Tip #2: Start Next Year’s Wish List

As a mom, the “magic of Christmas” can get lost in the rush; wrapping and buying and traveling

and baking and worrying about work left undone, and repeat. Still, even though we don’t get

visits from Santa anymore, it’s important that we also feel appreciated and loved around the

holidays. Like many moms, it can feel overwhelming when, in the midst of your holiday panic,

someone asks you what you would like for Christmas. It’s easy to avoid using the brainpower by

saying something glip, like socks or a clean house (or even for the kids to not argue over

something silly for one holiday), but this strategy often means that we end up feeling a little

disappointed when it’s time to unwrap those socks. To help prevent this cycle, take some time

now to start building a list of things you actually want, and keep it somewhere convenient so that

you can update it throughout the year.

If you haven’t made a wishlist in a while, you might find it difficult. So often, we are locked into

give-mode and keeping track of all the things that other people want and need from us that it

becomes difficult to recognize things that we ourselves may be in want of. If this is something

you find yourself struggling with, it could be helpful to brainstorm things that you want to be,

achieve, and work towards, rather than things you want. Often, as moms, the things we want

can’t be wrapped and put under the tree . For instance, maybe you’ve been meaning to hit the

gym; in that case, a good gift might include portioning out dedicated times for your partner or

loved ones to manage childcare so that you can do those things without worrying. If you’ve been

wanting to spend more time on your personal grooming, a gift certificate to your favorite salon or

stylist could be a perfect way to say “I love you.”

Tip #3: Ask For Help

Life, like the holidays, can be challenging to navigate. It’s okay if sometimes you can’t do it all

alone; no one really can. It’s important to ask for help when you need it, and to always know that

the people who love you–the same ones who make your Christmases full of joy and noise–will

be there to support you in any way they can. If you are feeling overwhelmed, depressed, or

anxious, it could be a sign that you need to seek help from family and friends, or even an

outside source like online talk therapy . These issues won’t resolve themselves on their own.

When you sit down to make your resolutions for 2023, take time to reflect on the moments of the

last year that have made you smile the widest; those are the moments that you should be

chasing as the new year starts. If you’re like most people, those moments likely don’t happen on

their own. Instead, they are filled with people, places, and things that mean the world to you.

By making your resolutions something you feel free to ask for support on, you are inviting more of

those moments into your life.

SELF CARE AT TARGET? MAYBE.

Mon, 28 Nov 2022 14:00:07 GMT

Recently TikToks and reels keep showing up in my algorithm about how going to Target is a form of self-care. It’s mostly been tongue in cheek about how it’s their home away from home, where they feel most relaxed, and where they get their wine.

But then I saw this article in The LA Times . The author talks to a few different women and how they use the retailer as their regular form of self-care. And not just in a “messy buns and Target runs” kinda way. In a purposeful, rejuvenating way.

All the women spoke of their different experiences going through Target and what exactly about it made them feel soothed. The ability to grab coffee, to browse things that were beautiful, to know that most anything in the store is accessible price-wise (versus window shopping at a designer store on 5th Avenue), and to mindlessly wander without fear of judgment or other tiny humans (and big ones for that matter) needing something from you.

It made me think. What these women were describing did sound like self-care. They were carving out a sustainable, relaxing, and meaningful routine. They were making time for themselves. And when they left, they said they felt better than when they walked in.

And I’m all for that.

But it made me wonder two questions:

1) What is the thing for me (and other working mamas) that makes us feel this same way? Does a trip to Target actually make you feel less stressed? Or is it a long walk through your neighborhood with no music, no podcast–just nature? Or is it a really hard workout and a massage? Whatever it is, FIND THAT THING AND DO IT.

2) Does mindlessly shopping at Target make us focus on joy or happiness? Are we just looking for our next shot of serotonin when we essentially “add to cart” that Magnolia throw blanket (when we have a whole basket of them next to the couch) or that $20 candle that we’ll burn once before we forget about it?

Is Target REALLY lowering our stress or are we just buying things to kinda numb ourselves for a couple hours? I know for me, it totally feels good to toss something beautiful in my cart. But that feeling is nowhere in sight when I take a look at my house and know that it’s over cluttered with stuff I definitely don’t need.

That’s what I really want to remind you (and myself) as we’re in the midst of holiday shopping season. Are we buying the things that we know our kids will love and really use past the first of the year? Or are we sending stuff to our front door via our favorite 2-day shipper just because it’s on sale? Or because we have to have the tree full of gifts to put out that family photo on the ‘gram?

Again, I’m all for beautiful and meaningful gifts that are bought with intentionality. But one woman in the article said that she went into Target “for shower cleaner and a cooler and is leaving with $271.01 in merchandise — and a mellowed mood.” But how long does that last? Until the credit card bill comes?

I can’t emphasize enough that I sit here with zero judgment. If it TRULY gives you lasting joy, you do you mama!

I just want you to know that the holidays (and everyday life, really) can be fulfilling and what you’ve dreamed of without buying your happiness with every swipe.

Love you mama!

xoxo,

Dr. Whitney

SELF-CARE WITHOUT COLLATERAL DAMAGE

Thu, 24 Nov 2022 16:35:06 GMT

EPISODE Highlights:

We all see memes on the internet, and we’ve even said similar things here on Modern Mommy Doc, that tell us self-care isn’t selfish. But I feel like we need to be very clear on this subject. Are there forms of self-care that can be selfish? As a maternal and child public health expert, I have to say there absolutely are. A new study in 2021 showed us that moms with children under 5 saw alcohol consumption increase a startling 323% from 2020-2021. Granted, a lot of people drank more during the pandemic, but moms were the group that saw the biggest increase. This same group stated having more than 7 drinks in a week or 3 or more drinks at a time.

So I wanted to dig into what could be behind this. Why is it a coping mechanism? The study gave a few reasons why we might have seen this stat. One was this social media trend of “mommy wine culture” that normalizes using alcohol to deal with parenting stress. The other was the accessibility to alcohol through delivery options like DoorDash and Post Mates and to-go options from restaurants.

We have to start differentiating between coping in ways that will cause harm to us and our family and self-care. If you don’t have a problem with alcohol, having a drink at the end of the day can be harmless. Going out with a friend and having a glass of wine is just as simple. In the same way, it’s fine to take a trip away from your kids to be with your partner. But it gets excessive and points to a deeper issue when you need so much time away that being with your kids seems impossible. You cannot sustainably have a strong connection with them or speak into their lives when you’re never with them. Or if I choose to stay late one day a week at work so that I can make the most of the other time with my family, that’s great. But it’s when I’m constantly gone that becomes the problem.

True self-care is about taking care of yourself in the most intimate ways and building connection with yourself to understand who you are. We are all interconnected with everything in this world. And the best way we can use our unique skills and talents that we were gifted with is to be as aware and connected with ourselves as possible. The best forms of self-care are the ways that allow you to do that.

What does self-care look like that doesn’t cause collateral damage to you or your family? That could be incrementally taking 5 minutes in the car before you come into the house. Or going to a concert with a friend. Or buying store bought cookies for the bakesale instead of making them at home. It could be setting a boundary like not staying the entire time at a birthday party. Or giving a task to someone else. Or carving out some time just for yourself. Journaling. Practicing self-compassion when things are tough.

What are the ways that you take care of yourself that don’t actually lead you to the outcome that you want and what are the ways that you cope that are actually supportive to you and others around you? Is it causing collateral damage because you’re doing that form of self-care in excess or is it the thing itself that needs to go?

Let’s address the idea from memes that basically say “if you think you’re a shitty parent, you’re not.” It’s this blanket statement that lets you off the hook. If it talked about making mistakes and showing yourself grace, that’s a different story. No one wants to be a bad parent, but if you’re CONSISTENTLY showing up with your kids in a manner where you’re yelling at them, constantly short with them, or reactive instead of responsive – and that’s just your M.O. for months and years at a time – that’s going to cause collateral damage with your kids. So we have to think about the actual cause and effect of our actions and how we’re taking care of ourselves.

There are things that are out of our control (systemic issues and injustices) but there are also things that are within our control. There are responsibilities that are ours to bear. No matter what the circumstances are, you’re at least able to be curious. You won’t automatically be a perfect parent. It’s a journey for everyone that requires a lot of grace. You can learn to be kind and aware enough of yourself and your circumstances to recognize that you do bear responsibility.

So in light of the circumstances that you live within, what steps do you need to take to set yourself up for the most success possible while causing the least amount of damage to yourself and those around you? When you are curious enough, give yourself grace and time to know yourself better, and care for yourself in ways that have a lasting positive impact, there is change that’s possible. There is hope, it’s not all your fault, but there IS something you can do about it.

RADICAL ACCEPTANCE JUST MIGHT BE THE KEY TO A HAPPY HOLIDAY SEASON FOR BUSY WORKING MOMS

Mon, 21 Nov 2022 14:30:02 GMT

We talk a lot about radical acceptance here at Modern Mommy Doc . And for good reason. Radical acceptance flies in the face of toxic positivity that says “everything is going to great and if it’s not, I can just will myself into feeling good about it.” Toxic positivity is constantly telling you to find the good in a situation.

Which has its benefits, for sure.

Because what you fix your mind on, you’ll see more of in the world. Not in a woowoo manifest way, but it’s actually science. If you tell yourself that you’re dumb and worthless, your brain looks for evidence of that and reminds you of and emphasizes mistakes you’ve made.

But if you give yourself grace and tell yourself that you’re learning and growing and capable of great things, your brain is going to look for evidence of that. And all of a sudden you’re in a different head space.

But here’s where it’s toxic: When you ignore the red flags. When you push to the side any negative thought or feeling and don’t allow yourself to work through those things critically. You only allow yourself space for the positivest of positive thoughts. No time for thoughts of “well, yeah, that day sucked. How can I choose to make the rest of my night better?” It’s simply “good vibes only!”

And then you’re left in a place where your real life expectations don’t match up with reality. When things go awry, you have no way to cope or move forward. If it’s not sunshine and rainbows, you’re stuck.

Here’s why this matters as we’re heading into the holiday season:

raise your hand if your holidays have ever fallen short of what you hoped they’d be?

��‍♀️��‍♀️��‍♀️��‍♀️��‍♀️��‍♀️��‍♀️��‍♀️ X a million.

My hand will probably forever and always be raised. BUT, there’s a (really big and really important) difference between having a holiday that sucks but gritting your teeth and saying “SMILE FOR THE CAMERA OR NO PRESENTS!” and one where you allow yourself to feel the feelings and move forward.

I just read this quote about radical acceptance from therapist Andrew Harris that I just loved: “Radical acceptance is a distress tolerance skill that is designed to keep pain from turning into suffering. While pain is part of life, radical acceptance allows us to keep that pain from becoming suffering. By accepting the facts of reality without responding by throwing a tantrum or with willful negligence. In other words, it is what it is.”

Who doesn’t need more of a “it is what it is” mentality during the holidays?!

That doesn’t mean when the kids are losing their minds because they don’t want to wear their itchy fancy dinner clothes that you shrug and let them scream. It doesn’t mean that when your mother-in-law makes a remark that she’s so glad you were able to make it because she doesn’t get to see grandchildren very often that you just smile sweetly but sulk about it all night.

It does mean you can have your boundaries and when they’re broken, not let it ruin your day. You can reinforce the expectations and still decide that you can have a peaceful evening when they aren’t met.

We don’t have to run away or avoid the hard things. We can choose to take them on knowing there will be parts that suck and then it gets better.

I was reading Between Two Kingdoms by Suleika Jaouad and she said, “What if I stopped thinking of pain as something that needs to be numbed, fixed, dodged and protected against? What if I tried to honor its presence in my body, welcoming it into the present?”

OOOF.

So how do we apply radical acceptance when it comes to having a happy, peaceful, fill in the blank with whatever you want out of it, holiday season?

It all starts with doing some internal work (sorry, I know that’s usually my first answer. But it’s true, sis.)

I suggest you start by journaling through some questions:

—What would my perfect Christmas/Thanksgiving/holiday season/time off look like?

—Why do I feel like it has to be this way?

—What can I actually do to make it feel special?

As you work through them, apply radical acceptance to your answers being aware of the things that you actually have control over. It might look something like this:

What would my perfect Christmas/Thanksgiving/holiday season/time off look like?

If I could wave a magic wand, we’d spend our entire vacation together. We’d have lazy mornings watching movies and playing games. All the baking would be fun and not stressful and my girls would create memories of our family being together.

Why do I feel like it has to be this way?

I suppose I want it to feel peaceful and low stress because we have a pretty busy life normally and I’d like a break from that. I probably have some mom guilt that I need to work through about not being around as much as I thought I could be (but I’m actually really glad I get to be away too. More guilt.) So I guess my biggest concern is that my girls will grow up and not have memories of me being fun mom–just angry, “get your shoes on!” mom.

What can I actually do to make it feel special?

I’m a doctor and sometimes that calls me away from my kids. And that’s okay. So I can choose to be fully present while they’re home from school on break and make sure that I’m not distracted by work when I’m there. I know that making memories is way more than Pinterest-perfect crafts and Martha Stewart-level baking sessions. Plus, those stress me out anyway.

So I’m going to focus on the fact that my girls love movies, pajamas, and popcorn. And anytime they ask for it, it can be movie night while we’re on vacation. I can even let them each choose a special add-in candy that they want to throw in with their popcorn. Memories made and I get to sit down! Win!

We don’t have to avoid the hard issues. Or pretend they don’t exist. Or even try to just be happy about it. Through radical acceptance we can see that pain coming our way, but choose not to let it push us into suffering. We can feel the feelings and move forward.

HOW THIS COMPANY IS SUPPORTING BREASTFEEDING MOMS WHILE THEY TRAVEL WITH SASCHA MAYER

Thu, 03 Nov 2022 13:00:02 GMT

Dr. Whitney talks with Sascha Mayer from Mamava about her innovative business that helps support moms have a positive breastfeeding experience while they’re at the airport and many other public arenas. They also chat about how companies like this can r eally help make a difference in the number of women that choose to breastfeed past those first few weeks after their baby is born.

EPISODE Highlights:

Dr. Whitney: Today I’m talking with Sascha Mayer, founder of Mamava, and she helps mamas while they’re traveling. Sascha, tell us what inspired you to start Mamava and how you help support breastfeeding moms.

Sascha: When I had my babies, I wanted to be able to breastfeed after I went back to work. I was able to pump at my office but noticed that when I traveled anywhere, the only place you could really count on to be able to do that was in a restroom. With Mamava, we created freestanding lactation suites that are most often seen in airports but really have been placed everywhere moms work and go including healthcare centers, stadiums, and distribution centers. It came from a personal belief that we could do better and that good design can help facilitate good decisions by employers and help parents.

Dr. Whitney: How long have you guys been doing this as a company?

Sascha: We had our first prototype in 2013 and our first employees at the end of 2015.

Dr. Whitney: Let me talk about the stats of breastfeeding moms in America for those that choose to feed their baby this way or who are able to. America comes in last as far as industrialized countries when it comes to mothers being able to breastfeed their babies for any extended period of time. It’s recommended by the American Academy of Pediatrics that children are breastfed exclusively for the first 6 months and then recommended to continue breastfeeding for the first year. Our numbers drop off extremely after the first few weeks. And there’s lots of reasons, including lack of support, no paid parental leave in the United States, and even economic discrepancies. I see your product as really being able to drive those rates back up higher. Is that what you guys were thinking about when you were starting the company?

Sascha: Absolutely. It’s infrastructure that supports this natural human function. Women want to have an authentic choice when they have children. Even our design is very intentional. It doesn’t blend in or look like other structures. Beyond that it’s about the broader conversation with those employers or the facilities managers. When I was breastfeeding it felt very hidden or something that you had to apologize for when you needed to take a break in the business context. So we love it when we see the numbers of women who are breastfeeding going up.

Dr. Whitney: Tell me about the design inside and whose responsibility it is to clean and sanitize it.

Sascha: We sell our units outright. And they’re designed almost with a food prep mentality. So they’re made so that they can be wiped down and cleaned very easily. The expectation is that the facility or employer would maintain them but our hope is that parents that use them are also using them responsibly and we leave calls to action within a visible checklist so they can leave them ready to go for the next person.

Dr. Whitney: How accessible are these units as far as cost? Employers are realizing even more that they’ve got to take care of their employees if they want to keep them around. They really need things that will make being a working parent easier.

Sascha: In the private sector, they start at $10,000 and go up from there with customizations. They install in just about 2 hours, so the change can really happen quickly in a workplace. We definitely recommend a designated lactation space like this because it can create a lot of tension when areas have to be shared.

Dr. Whitney: Have you experienced any pushback while you were creating this product? What’s the conversations you’re hearing about supporting women this way?

Sascha: It’s been really positive. Even from men in the industrial sector who you might not necessarily think would be supportive, really are. They’re a parent or a grandparent and see the need. In the very beginning, there was more education we had to do around the fact that we are trying to give women a choice. We aren’t trying to hide breastfeeding. We’re trying to give women as many choices around how they feed their baby as possible.

Dr. Whitney: Are there things you’ve had to work with as far as chest feeding or transgender or non-binary parents?

Sascha: Yep, we’re a work in progress. We’ve changed a lot of the wording to be more inclusive. Our mirrors used to say, “Looking good, mama” and now they just say “looking good” because we know not everyone identifies as a mother.

Dr. Whitney: Within your app, you have a Mamava locator so moms can really plan out their trips. If they’re going to be traveling or heading to a stadium, they can plan ahead.

Sascha: Yes! And it also includes about 4000 other public lactation rooms that aren’t just Mamava locations. The app is also how they’re able to access it. The app is totally free, but early on we realized that we didn’t want anyone to be able to just go spend their layover relaxing in the pod. So this helps just provide a little bit of friction so that the people who need to use it are really the ones who have access to it.

Dr. Whitney: Tell me about your dreams and goals for Mamava. I see this as such a revolution for mothers so I’d love to know your plans.

Sascha: I think we’ve really only scratched the surface of fixing the problem. Especially for those that are working with hourly wages and situations like that. We know the rates are much lower in the BIPOC population, so we’re focusing on areas surrounding where they typically work. We are trying to continually influence legislation to show how important it is. We want to see more pods in more places and expansion of the app to make it a more functional tool. We really want to elevate the conversation around this fundamental experience and function that women should be able to have if they choose it.

Dr. Whitney: Where can people find more info about what you’re doing or how they can request to get a pod at their place of employment or even their local stadium?

Sascha: Our website has all the resources but they can also follow us on Instagram, Facebook, and LinkedIn with a lot of content on the HR side of things. For parents, we have a lot of content on our website surrounding compliance for the law that shows state by state what they need to know. Plus they app lets you find all of our units, those extra lactation spaces, and has lots of great content as well.

HOW TO STOP WORKING MOM BURNOUT BEFORE IT STARTS

Thu, 20 Oct 2022 13:30:00 GMT

Dr. Whitney has a crucial conversation with Dr. Jacqueline Kerr about the realities of working moms and the emotional and physical burnout they’re facing, as well as what it would look like to really have an environment in a workplace where burnout wouldn’t even exist.

Dr. Jacqueline Kerr is a Behavioral Change scientist, host of The Overcoming Working Mom Burnout Podcast, and recently gave the TedX speech called “ How to Stop Burnout Before It Starts .”

Baked Alaska analogy at the beginning.

EPISODE Highlights:

Dr. Whitney: What is your background? What made you so interested in burnout?

Dr. Kerr: I was in a school of medicine, focusing on the public health side. Within that construct of the school of medicine, women can face a lot of struggles and bullying. It can be really toxic for women within those sectors. I wasn’t even really aware of the environment I was in while I was in it. Much like a fish doesn’t know it’s in water, I didn’t see everything that was happening around me. I gravitated towards an environment where competition was really fierce, which is great, but can be really destructive. And in the current day and age, it hasn’t gotten any better. It’s only gotten more intense. And we want students in medicine to have role models and women to be researching health problems. Because when there aren’t women looking into those things, women’s health issues aren’t studied.

And when I was in that environment, I rose up. I was at the top of my class. Millions of dollars in grants. But when I became a mum, I didn’t like myself. I didn’t like the way I was parenting, but didn’t know a different way. I took on more and more leadership at the university and led my own research groups trying to prove myself. So there were definitely a lot of things I brought into my own burnout but that’s how it got me started down this path and looking into what I could do through my own research and coaching.

And I realized that at a certain point, the struggle of motherhood and career was too much. And I was wrapped up in all the emotions of what it would mean to leave that career I had invested in for so long and eventually had suicidal ideations–I felt like a failure. I was able to reset my mind and body, but I never wanted another mum to go through what I did. So that’s what I’m hoping to help solve through my research on burnout for working moms.

Dr. Whitney: Tell me about the scientific findings you came to to help working moms not have to get into that space.

Dr. Kerr: One of the biggest pieces of framework is that mums can’t just try to avoid burnout. Much like dieting isn’t just a matter of willpower. You have to have support at home, access to healthy foods at a cost that makes sense for you, and not be surrounded by tempting foods. Some of the conditions that cause burnout are lack of reward, lack of flexibility, and injustice and value conflicts in your workplace. And when those arise, that’s an environment ripe for burnout.

But it’s not necessarily something that goes away once you leave that job. If you don’t work on your mindset, you’re going to end up in the same place–which is why we offer coaching surrounding your mindset that bolsters your emotional intelligence, boundaries, and great communication skills that you need in the workplace.

A comprehensive workplace solution, for me, is 3 parts. First, when the workplace sees employee well-being as a Key Performance Indicator, because then it’s accountable all the way up to the board level that the priorities, investments, and the evaluation all stem from that. And then you’d start to see that a lot of the self-care and mental health benefits are just short-term solutions. Yes, we need to process stress and get it out of our bodies, but those are so limited at the population levels.

Second, when you can align all of the guidelines the National Academy of Medicine has made with your DEI strategy, you can institute fair pay and psychological safety. That will really improve the situation for people of color and other disadvantaged people, which will allow them to do their job without feeling like they have to reprove themselves and constantly feel like they have to earn their value.

Lastly, there needs to be learning collaboratives. This allows you to institute change within the workplace and constantly be checking where the barriers are, who is in charge of the workflow, how things are working (or not working) smoothly. You’re all learning from each other in a more cohesive way.

Dr. Whitney: Tell me more about the National Academy of Medicine and the guidelines that they have come up with. What are they suggesting?

Dr. Kerr: There are two pieces of their guidelines. First, there’s taking action against clinician burnout which is a systems approach to professional well-being. Second, is preventing clinician suicide which they really highlighted during the pandemic. They wanted to ensure that a physcian’s mental health does not reflect on them losing their license. They have a lot of resources on how to talk to your colleagues if you think something might be off.

The 6 goals of their guidelines were to have a positive work environment, a positive learning environment that supports the goal that everyone is has an open mindset about learning around well-being, reducing administrative burdens, enabling technology solutions, providing support to clinicians and learners (access to coaches, therapists, etc…), and invest in research.

Dr. Whitney: If someone is starting to experience burnout, what do you recommend?

Dr. Kerr: First, pay attention and track how you’re spending your time. How much time are you spending on things that are not core to your business and that you don’t love? How much are you saying yes versus no? Then you can start to get control over it and take a look at what you really want to be spending your time on.

Dr. Whitney: So much of motherhood we wear our busyness as a badge and really just want everyone to see all the things we’re volunteering for and how worn out we are because we can see all the things all the other moms are doing.

Dr. Kerr: Right, we’re comparing ourselves to the moms that are feeling the burnout just like we are. Instead, what if I compared myself to my husband and the things that he says yes or no to, completely guilt free? That’s a much better place to see holes in how you approach a situation.

Dr. Whitney: Tell everyone where we can find your podcast and your TedTalk.

Dr. Kerr: My website, jacquelinekerr.com , has links to all my things, including my podcast, Overcoming Working Mom Burnout , and my Ted Talk, How to Stop Burnout Before It Starts .

WORKING MOM GUILT IS THE NEW BLACK

Mon, 17 Oct 2022 13:00:04 GMT

Mom guilt is not a new concept. Almost from the time you find out you’re pregnant, you can experience it. You’re already inundated with the thoughts of whether or not you’re getting enough rest, taking the right prenatals, or eating the right foods in order keep your baby as healthy as you can.

It kicks up about a thousand notches once that baby makes its arrival. You can feel guilty because the house isn’t spotless, but also when you are cleaning. You feel guilty about not spending enough money on the “best” stroller and are reminded of it every time you buy yourself a coffee. You feel it when you want time alone away from your child but then feel guilty when you resent that you can’t.

We can even feel guilty that we feel guilty. Have you ever experienced that? When you’re upset that your baby isn’t napping well, you feel guilty because you know other moms aren’t getting any sleep at night. Or when they’re fussy because they’re teething, you feel guilty because you know other moms have a chronically ill child and your issue seems small comparatively.

Mom guilt is real and it is POWERFUL.

And then there’s working mom guilt. This is not to say that moms who chose not to work (in the “I have a paying job” sense…OBVIOUSLY all moms wooooork) don’t experience intense guilt. Like I just mentioned, it starts even before the baby is born.

But working moms can sometimes experience something different.

Working moms can feel guilty because they want to work. Or because they don’t want to work, but that’s not in the financial cards for their family.

Working moms feel guilty when they can’t go on field trips. Or feel guilty that they don’t want to go on field trips and would rather be working.

Working moms feel guilty that they actually enjoy their time at work. Or that their kids have to stay at the after school program instead of getting picked up at normal dismissal.

Working moms feel guilty when they’re at home because they should/could/need/want to be working. And they feel guilty when they’re working because sometimes they want to be home.

I wish I could title this blog, “3 ways to get rid of your working mom guilt fast!” but I can’t. I don’t even have 3 ways to get rid of it slowly. But I do have a few ideas to help you process through it.

Accept the emotion. Fighting your way through it and just telling yourself to “stop feeling guilty” is the equivalent of telling a woman to “calm down” when she’s angry. It’s not going to help anything and it’s probably going to make things worse. When you feel guilt starting to creep in, have a conversation with yourself that gives room for that feeling.

“Ugh. Feeling mom guilt again. That totally makes sense. I hate that I missed my daughter’s play this morning and I’m really mad that I couldn’t take the time off to see it.”

When you can have that conversation, you’re allowing yourself to start to process that emotion rather than pushing through or pushing it aside. It normalizes the feeling rather than making you feel even more uncomfortable because you had it.

Figure out a game plan. Is there anything that you can do now that would make you feel better? Could you plan a special time with your kiddo while they tell you all about the play? Could you let them stay up late that night for a special treat? We know that it’s not REALLY about watching your kid be a tree on stage. It’s about the connection and letting them know how proud you are of them (and seeing how proud they are of themselves!) and showing them that you’re there to celebrate them.

Remind yourself of the badass that you are. You don’t have to be a c-suite exec to be a ballin working mama. Every mom who goes out and does ANYTHING to help provide for her family does it because she loves them. When you’re feeling guilty about being a working mom or about what that means you have to sacrifice, take the time to write out all the positives of your situation–even if you don’t want to be working in the first place.

It can be as simple (and hugely valuable) as paying for groceries and housing. It can be that every day your kiddos see you fight for yourself and your ideals at work. It could be that you’re setting an example for what hard work and working towards a goal looks like.

Mom guilt of any kind will probably never go away. I’m sure we’ll still feel it in our 60s wondering if we did it all right. But the biggest thing I’ve realized is that if I didn’t love my kids like crazy, I wouldn’t feel guilty. So in reality, mom guilt is just a reminder that you’re a great mom.

That you’re a mom who sacrifices for her kids every single day.

And there’s no guilt in that.

HOW TO TALK WHEN KIDS WON’T LISTEN WITH AUTHORS JULIE KING AND JOHANA FABER

Thu, 06 Oct 2022 13:00:06 GMT

Dr. Whitney speaks with Julie King and Johana Faber, authors of How to Talk When Kids Won’t Listen . They discuss tools parents can use to communicate with their kids so that both sides feel seen and heard. They give practical tips for specific situations parents are facing right now.

EPISODE Highlights:

Julie King and Johana Faber are authors of How to Talk When Kids Won’t Listen and give parents tools on how to communicate with their kids so that both sides feel seen and heard. They give practical tips for specific situations parents are facing right now.

Dr. Whitney: Talk to us about the philosophy behind the entire How to Talk brand and all the workshops and education you do alongside it.

Parents think they want their kids to listen but what they really want is for them to do what they tell them to do. The first big foundation of everything we do is that there is a connection between how kids feel and how they behave. So we ask ourselves how we can help them feel better and to accept their feelings. It’s tricky because they often have feelings that we don’t want them to have.

Dr. Whitney: We feel that deeply in our house. There’s a lot of feelings that make me uncomfortable and I simply wish they’d go away because they’re inconvenient for me when my kids have them. But I’m seeing that the more I can just accept the fact that those feelings are there (not necessarily changing anything because of them) the easier time everyone has.

The fear is that if we don’t address them head on right away that it will make them worse. But usually addressing it in a confrontational way is what actually compounds the situation. When we can help our kids identify what they’re feeling (“You really don’t like ______ because _______.”) that’s when we can really help them calm down, think more clearly, and move forward. And then you have a kid who is working with you instead of against you.

Dr. Whitney: Let’s get into the practical questions. Can you give us any tips on teeth brushing and how to handle that with kids who just don’t want to do it?

We have to go back to asking the why behind it. Why don’t they want to brush their teeth? And the why will determine how you approach the behavior. Maybe they just don’t feel like it or are bored by it. So you can make it a game like looking for zoo animals in their mouth. Make the toothbrush talk. Have fun.

Maybe they don’t like the taste or the feel of the toothbrush or how it feels when someone brushes their teeth for them. So you look for ways to give them control back. Change the toothpaste. Take turns brushing their teeth. But you have to look to the why first in order to decide how you approach the behavior. Meet the child where they are.

Dr. Whitney: I’m glad you said that because I know there’s going to be a lot of moms who hear that and think it sounds exhausting. Which it really can be. But first, you have to recognize that meeting your kids where they are is literally the only way to see positive change. But also, take a look at WHY it’s so exhausting. What’s going on that you have no bandwidth to deal with it? Do you need more rest? Less things on the to do list? So that way when these things come up, you have more that you can give.

Kids ARE exhausting. It’s actually scientifically proven that the more playful you are with your kids throughout the day, the better they’ll respond when you do have a harder request (like needing to stop an activity they like in order to leave the house.) If they are constantly ordered around, they eventually see less reason to comply.

A parent recently asked me, “Don’t they just need to learn that there are things they have to do that aren’t fun”? And yes, that is true. But what a life skill to be able to take something you don’t enjoy and make it more enjoyable. Think about when you fold laundry. You put on a podcast or music. You find a way to make it more enjoyable.

Dr. Whitney: Let’s talk about transitions. Getting out the door, getting the kids in the seats and buckled up. Lots of parents have struggles with transitions and getting their kids to listen to them. Why are transitions so difficult for kids and what are your tips for them?

They’re hard universally for anyone. No one wants to be told to stop what they’re doing and do something that someone else wants them to do. If we can make the transitions a game, that can be really helpful. Things like “How many steps will it take you to get to the car? If you take really long steps can you get there in 10 steps?” or “Let’s fly to the car like butterflies!” Kids love pretend and fantasy. When they’re older, you can still play. “Your old mom is going to beat you to the car!”

In the morning, every parent knows the struggle of telling their kids what they need to do to get ready. Shoes, teeth, backpack, breakfast. And every time you tell them to put something else down to do what you’re telling them, it creates resistance. To get around this, create a master list of all the things they need to do that they can check off as they go. And then you never have to be the bad guy. And it gets them involved in their own productivity and responsibility. It makes them feel in charge and gives them autonomy.

Dr. Whitney: This is so great. We all need to go buy this book and read it for all the practical tips. Can you tell our listeners where they can find out more about you?

Our website is how-to-talk.com and we’ve got the books, workshops, and an app! Plus a Facebook and an Instagram presence as well. They can also email us if they ever use any of our tips. We love to hear it. They can find our email at our website.

HOW MENTAL CLUTTER IS KEEPING YOU STRESSED AND WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT

Mon, 03 Oct 2022 16:08:38 GMT

Have you ever watched that show Hoarders ? I don’t even know if it’s on any more, but whenever I’ve watched an episode, it’s one of those “car wreck” situations that I just can’t look away from. People who don’t just have clutter, but whose lives have been ruined by it.

Obviously they pick the worst of the worst–that’s what makes good TV. But there’s a difference between someone’s grandma’s house that has too many glass chachkies and someone who has saved every (dirty) take out box from the last 20 years, right?

And that’s kinda where our mind goes when we think about clutter. To the counters full of papers and dishes. Or the closets stuffed with old clothes. Or the playroom overflowing with toys. And if you’ve been around here for a hot second, you know I’m a huge believer in decluttering your stuff simply as a way to reduce stress in your household (check out my podcast ep with Allie Casazza to hear some really practical insight on this.)

Less stuff = less choices

Less choices = less overwhelm

But what happens when your clutter isn’t the stuff you see?

It’s not what’s jumbled on your counters, but what’s jumbled in your mind. As much as having a cluttered home can really be a huge source of stress and spiking cortisol levels for moms (seriously, it’s science), I think we don’t talk as much as we need to about mental clutter.

Mental clutter is when you’ve got too many things, thoughts, or ideas going on in your brain at one time and it causes you to lose focus and clarity, making it really hard to process events and emotions. Can’t remember that person’s name that you’ve met 12 times in the last two months? Have a hard time actually finishing a single task or project without getting pulled (by your own brain) into something else?

That’s mental clutter.

And it makes being a working mom infinitely harder because it throws a wrench in our productivity, efficiency, and even our mental, emotional, and physical health.

Here are four easy ways you can reduce mental clutter:

Brain Dump:

You know I love a good brain dump! When you’re feeling that overwhelm start to slip in because you have too many things to remember or get done, get it all down on paper. There’s something magical (and scientific!) that happens when you can actually see all the things you’re thinking or worrying about.

If you just leave it in your mind, it leaves room to be forgotten or for it to live in the land of overwhelm. When you get it written down, it becomes concrete. You can assign it a time that you know it’s going to get done and your brain automatically feels that burden lifted–even without you having actually accomplished it yet!

Turn off your notifications:

This is one of the most freeing things you can do. When you have so much input coming at you all day long from that tiny screen, it only makes sense that finishing projects is difficult. BingBingBingBing. No one can concentrate when that’s going on. PLUS, it’s training your brain to want that dopamine hit that you get when you see your screen light up (again, totally science!)

You’ve gotta break that habit and teach your brain that it can focus for longer stretches without getting distracted. Turn off the notifications from all the apps that you don’t absolutely need. On the iphone, you even can set different levels of focus and choose which apps you want to hear from. For example, on my “work focus,” I have it set that I only get texts and calls from my husband and calls from girls’ school.

And that’s it. No other apps, nothing. BEST THING EVER.

Journal/Meditate:

These two go hand in hand. It really doesn’t matter which you choose, you just need to give your brain silent space to do nothing. Not scroll your phone, not read a book, not watch a show. Silent space to do nothing. And if you want to keep a notebook next to you in case anything comes up that you need to journal through, go for it!

Create a solid morning/evening routine:

I do have an episode about why I don’t think everyone should have a morning routine in the traditional sense, but hear me out. There is something to be said for having a routine that opens and closes your day. That allows you to incorporate things like mediation, brain dumps for the next day, etc. So it doesn’t have to be something that starts your day off at 5am every morning (no thanks), but when you give you mind space to get prepped for the day ahead, you’ll have so much more freedom once you start getting into work.

Because then you’ll know what’s really important for that day and what you can let slide.

Need help really nailing down what those center points are in your life? The things that anchor you when everything feels wonky? Check out our 14 guided lessons in the Modern Mamas club app that take you from Conflicted to Centered.

DITCHING THE BUSYNESS BADGE AND GETTING MORE EFFICIENT

Thu, 29 Sep 2022 13:00:00 GMT

Dr. Whitney shares really practical tips on how to boost your productivity and efficiency in your personal and professional life–all without doing it just for productivity’s sake.

EPISODE Highlights:

In the Centered Life Blueprint, we define your non-negotiables as things that have to be addressed with productivity and efficiency because they’re things that HAVE to get done and they have to be done by you. My non-negotiables are going to be different from yours. And there are some that COULD be swapped out (we call them swappables) or delegated to someone else, but in my life, they’re my tasks. Like laundry vs dishes. My husband does the dishes and I do the laundry. Doesn’t mean that’s the only way to do it, just the way it works in our family.

Based on work from Katie Matusky from Entropy Organized, you first have to differentiate all your tasks by responsibilities and projects. Everything in your personal and professional life falls into either category. Responsibilities are things that don’t have an end date and are a standard you’ve set yourself that you have to maintain (like dishes or laundry or, for me, patient notes). You have to find time to get them done.

The key to responsibilities is to designate a specific time and place on your daily or weekly calendar. Without this, we feel busy all the time without feeling like we’re getting anything done. With laundry, I only do it one day a week at night. I don’t spend all week thinking about it, but have it set for that specific time. Katie told me, “You are the gatekeeper for your 168 hours a week. It’s up to you to put anything that doesn’t serve you on the chopping block.” Laundry doesn’t serve me but has to get done, so it’s my responsibility to decide how much I will let it impact my life. And I only let it impact me one night a week.

This allows me room for projects and other things that mean more to me and I want to have a bigger impact. Projects are a series of tasks that are linked to a goal and fall off your todo list once they’re complete. These are one-time tasks. Projects are easier to push to the side but they’re what actually move us forward.

Write down all the projects and responsibilities on a list. Put those responsibilities on your calendar and give them time. Then focus on your projects and compare them to your centered points. What projects deserve the most attention? Which projects serve you and your goals the most? Where do you want to spend your time, energy, and focus? What do you want to complete and why?

Then make each of your tasks as an action item. “Clean the garage” is too wide. Break it down into much smaller actionable items like “remove broken bikes,” “sweep the floor,” or “spray off lawn furniture.” This not only helps you move the needle, but lets you know when you’re done. You need specific action items that you can check off your list.

At the end of the day, take a look at what you’re able to produce with compassion and curiosity. Did you take on too much? Did you allow a task to creep in that shouldn’t have been there and could have been at a different time? Did you put an intense project when you had no energy? This moment of reflection allows you to set your days in the future with more intention.

Embrace selective mediocrity, meaning not every non-negotiable task needs to be done with the same level of excellence. Give 80% of your effort to the things that mean the most and 20% to the things that don’t really matter (bringing cookies to the bake sale vs a project that’s really important…it’s totally okay to bring them store bought.)

Use protocols and shortcuts to streamline repeating tasks. At home this could be simplifying weekday meals (we eat chicken kabobs, broccoli, and a baguette every wednesday and it’s so freaking easy). At work, this could be templates for communicating within your team or even keyboard shortcuts to make your repetitive tasks faster. Think about Zuckerburg and Jobs wearing the same outfits over and over and over so they have less decisions to make in a day.

Make sure you’re single-tasking when you need to do deep work. Stop switching back and forth between tasks because you’re exhausting your brain. “Multi-tasking” only works when you’re pairing two low-brain activities, for instance folding laundry and watching TV. Deep, meaningful work requires single-tasking. And in order to do it, you’ve got to practice. Start by removing your distractions for just a few minutes and then build from there.

Be intentionally unproductive so you can have more energy when it’s time for those heavier tasks. Pay attention to when your peak energy times are and plan to get your most meaningful tasks done then.

WHY WORKING MOMS ARE BURNED OUT…AND FEEL GOOD ABOUT IT.

Mon, 26 Sep 2022 13:30:05 GMT

Okay, we all have our thing. That thing we do that we know is weird, but we justs can’t help ourselves.

My thing is lists. I love them so much. I love making them. I love crossing things off of them. I love creating lists for other people, too (I’m a giver. What can I say?)

But one day, while staring at my color coded system of beauty, I caught myself thinking, “Man, there’s a lot of things on that list. I must be a great mom, because look at all that stuff I’m doing!” It became this symbol of pride for me. It was like my worth written down on paper.

Not so much the busyness of it all, but just the sheer number of tasks on there.

Was I exhausted after getting my list done? Yes. Was I probably grouchier after having accomplished them all? Absolutely. Were there things added to the list after I was done…which meant I was never really done? 100%.

But if I was so drained, why did I feel so good about myself?

I think it’s what a lot of moms feel sometimes. We get stuck in this false belief that the more we do, the more we’re worth.

The more our family can look to us and think, “WOW! My mom is the best!” must mean that we really WERE a good more. It’s like we’re trying to convince ourselves that we’re actually equipped to do what we’ve been called to do and that we’re doing a good job at it.

So I guess the question remains: what’s it going to be? Will you keep running yourself ragged into burnout and exhaustion just to validate yourself? Or will you take another way?

Let me give you some perspective. One of the things that I had on my plate was the girls’ lunches. Ignoring the advice that I have counseled thousands of women on, I felt a desire to be a fun mom with their lunches. I thought that my girls would love little faces made with their fruit. I thought they would feel so loved and appreciated with the little notes I wrote every day.

But it became a thing I dreeeeaded. What would I write today? I did a knock-knock joke yesterday, so I better write something inspirational today. What face could I make that would be recognizable and simple?

I was just sure that this would be the thing that would make my daughters’ school years simply magical and they’d talk about it as something so fondly remembered to their kids. So I HAD to keep doing them.

Wrong.

I was throwing lunches together one morning as we were headed out the door (again, ignoring some of my own advice) and no one got a cute sandwich pig and no one got a note. And neither of them said a word about it.

Was it a fluke?

I simplified lunches the next day and the day after and literally haven’t heard a single thing about it.

This is not an attack on those that go all out for things like lunches. If you love it, you do you. This is to simply point out that often when we’re so focused on “achieving” for achievement’s sake, we get wrapped up in things that don’t matter at all. Or ones we THINK will matter to our kids and they could not care less about them.

So we’re running ourselves ragged, trying to wave our flag of, “Look!! I did it! I provided for my kids and I worked a full-time job and I was a great wife and I baked cookies for the bake sale! They were organic!”

And we’re the only ones who care.

What if, instead, we looked at our whole list and chose the things that a) really did make our kids feel loved b) made our spouse feel loved and appreciated the way they receive that kind of care and c) allowed us to show up as our best self.

Ask your kids. Have conversations with your partner. Find out what really matters to them.

Maybe your kids would prefer that you got to pick them up from school a couple days of week rather than be the room mom. Maybe your husband would much rather sit and have a conversation after dinner rather than you slaving over a home cooked meal and then having to do all the dishes together (even though you THOUGHT that’s what he wanted because that’s what his mom did.)

If we’re trying to achieve simply for achievement’s sake, then we’ve missed the mark. We’re toiling in vain. Get back to your center points to really take a look at what means the most to you and go after THAT with all you’ve got.

We talk a lot about our centered vision and how to make that happen in our lives in the Modern Mamas Club app –join us to see what it’s all about!

PRACTICAL TIPS ON PRODUCTIVITY, EFFICIENCY, AND ORGANIZATION WITH BRIANNE MCKENZIE FROM GET SHIT DONE

Thu, 22 Sep 2022 13:00:00 GMT

Dr. Whitney talks with productivity expert, Brianna McKenizie, on how you can make yourself the most efficient possible (in very practical ways!) in order to get more accomplished in your day.

EPISODE Highlights:

Dr. Whitney: Tell us what you’re doing in your business and how you got started.

Brianna: I’m a mom of 4, my husband and I are both teachers, and I was constantly feeling like I wasn’t doing enough. I was exhausted and overwhelmed and realized that every day my to-do list started over with the same things from the day before, plus everything I didn’t get done. I got to a point where I said “enough” because I knew it couldn’t keep going like that.

So I had to make sure my expectations I was putting on myself as a parent matched up with the season that I was in as a parent. I started jotting down the ebbs and flows of that and that’s what the framework for what I’m doing came out of.

Dr. Whitney: You really pair the practical strategies with the mindset pieces. Moms have to understand the season they’re in before they can implement the strategies, otherwise they’ll just be more upset that they can’t do it all. What are some of the practical things you teach?

Brianna: First thing, Prioritize: What are the top 3 things that you need to do today in order to feel like you’re really accomplished for the day? 5 minutes in the morning to get your day structured so that those three things can be accomplished. Put them in blocks of time through the day and figure out how long each of those should take. This intentionality lets you have the flexibility to take care of things that come up throughout the day but the structure to make sure they get things done.

Dr. Whitney: How can people know in their day when it’s time to switch priorities?

Brianna: It’s so much about checking in with yourself. When you feel that bodily reaction and anxiety hit, you need to ask, “What REALLY needs to get done in this moment?” so that you can make the decision based on what matters to you, not just putting out fires.

Dr. Whitney: What’s the second strategy?

Brianna: Recognizing your peak energy times. You can pair this with your priorities throughout the day. If we pay attention, we are going to notice a few different times in the day when we’re going to be more efficient and productive. We will be able to pair this with the things we want to get done so that something that should take 15 minutes doesn’t take 2 hours.

Dr. Whitney: What about all the things that we want to procrastinate on? How do we get things done that we really don’t care about or want to avoid?

Brianna: We all have things like that and often it’s things that we have to do all the time. We have to find a way to make them more enjoyable. So find something that you like and pair it with the chore: music, podcast, TV, audio books. Whatever will distract you. And add a timer to go along with it so you know you’ve got an out once that timer goes off.

Dr. Whitney: Talk to us about multitasking. I know our brains are actually terrible at multitasking. As moms, we think we’re so good at it. But we’re actually just switching between tasks, not doing them simultaneously. And research shows you’re way less efficient when you are trying to do more than one thing at a time.

Brianna: There’s actually a lot going on there. There’s decision fatigue, where every time you’re asking your brain to think about something different, you’re just depleting your energy even quicker. And you’re making yourself go slower because you’re not able to give yourself completely to one task. Plus, you’re also way more apt to be triggered by something small if you’re already trying to spilt all your energy between multiple things.

Dr. Whitney: Where can people find you if they want to learn more?

Brianna: You can find me at @thegetshitdonemom on instagram and I have lots of resources available in the links in my bio. I have a free challenge starting soon and you can find all the info there. The Get Shit Done Podcast can be found everywhere you listen to podcasts and I give lots of tangible productivity tips for moms that they can take and implement really quickly.

THREE SIGNS YOU’RE FEELING RESENTFUL IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP AND HOW TO PREVENT IT IN THE FIRST PLACE

Mon, 19 Sep 2022 13:00:00 GMT

When you get married, everyone has an idyllic picture of what their life will look like. Most people think of the dinners together, the sleepy Saturday mornings, and lots of sex. We all assume that the fights over money, housework, and whose turn it is to go rock the crying baby will never enter the threshold of OUR home.

That happens to THOSE people. Who aren’t as madly in love as we are.

And even if those disagreements did creep in, they’d be talked about in a mutually respectful manner where both sides feel seen and validated. And the makeup sex would be fierce.

(insert uncontrollable giggling)

That’s what everyone’s marriage looks like, right?

There’s not the underlying tone in every argument of whose day was harder. Or who’s doing more of the work. Or whose mother is more intrusive.

Marriage is HARD. Even the healthiest and strongest of marriages take lots of work. ALL the time.

Because it’s one flawed human being who’s raising other flawed human beings with another flawed human being.

It’s kind of a recipe for disaster if we aren’t always trying to better ourselves and our relationship.

One of the biggest silent killers of a healthy relationship is resentment–where one partner feels they’re being treated unfairly by the other. And, believe me, when left untreated, it can create huge holes that you have to climb out of. That are much bigger than the original offense.

Before we can get to the root in order to address it, we first have to even be aware that that’s how we’re feeling. It can often be really difficult to spot and can mask itself with a lot of other emotions–and we end up acting out of those emotions, none the wiser that it stemmed from resentment.

Here’s a few signs you might be feeling resentful towards your partner:

You experience negative thoughts on a regular, recurring basis about your partner. I’m not just talking about being annoyed because they didn’t take the trash out or loaded the dishwasher wrong. I’m referring to times when you’re really even having a hard time finding any positive qualities about them. Or when you’re brought back to that same thought about them, again and again.

You keep replaying a conversation or situation between the two of you. Especially if it’s essentially been deemed resolved in your relationship, if you’re having a lot of trouble moving on, chances are, you feel like you didn’t get to speak your mind or weren’t clearly heard. And when this happens repeatedly, resentment grows.

You find yourself not wanting to be close, physically or emotionally. Hugs used to be your love language, and now you don’t want to be touched. Normally, you really appreciate opening up to him in conversation, and now you’re avoiding it. You’re pulling away because you don’t like how it feels to be close.

So what do you do if you’re feeling resentful towards your partner?

The first step towards restoration is getting to the root of WHERE the resentment is coming from. Can you pinpoint a situation, discussion, or event where you first started feeling this way? This is so key in order to move forward because you can’t expect your partner to apologize or change things in the future if they don’t know (or you don’t know!) exactly what you’re upset about.

Next, you’ve gotta give your partner and yourself lots of grace. People are going to mess this up. I’m not even talking about the actual injustice, necessarily. People mess up this part of making things better. Which can lead to more conflict!

But when you can remember that, again, we’re all just flawed human beings doing our best, you’ll be able to move forward much quicker and are way more likely to be able to show some empathy, rather than holding it over their head for years to come.

Lastly, have that hard conversation. As much as you can, try to use those tried and true “When you _, I feel _.” statements. Be as clear as you can without diving into the “you always” or “you never” games. And pick your timing for that conversation wisely. Right before bed or right after they get home is probably not going to give you the best shot for both of your minds being ready to tackle it.

How can you prevent resentment from creeping in in the first place?

The number one way to keep resentment at bay is open communication. (I know, your mind is blown that I just offered you this brand new, never heard of before piece of advice for relationships.)

But there’s a reason why there’s hundreds and hundreds of books written about the topic: IT’S A BIG DEAL. When you let things fester, what would have been a simple conversation, turns into a huge argument.

When your feelings are hurt, tell them. Don’t allow a miscommunication to create a divide in your marriage–one where other voices can easily work their way in.

Keeping a relationship healthy year after year requires sacrifice and hard work. But doing preventative work like THIS can make it juuuuust that much easier.

You've got this, mama!

For help with intimacy and parenting in Partnership, download the Modern Mamas Club App to get access to the Parenting in Partnership Daily Dose Guided Lessons so you and your partner can get back on track and enjoy each other again.

PARENTING YOUR KIDS BASED ON WHO THEY ARE AND NOT BY FADS

Thu, 15 Sep 2022 13:30:00 GMT

Dr. Whitney chats with Alexandra Scherzer, parenting guide and Co-Founder of Wise Parenting, about how parents can raise their kids from a different perspective. They discuss new-parent overwhelm as well as what it looks like to parent based on who your child is and what your parenting abilities are.

EPISODE Highlights:

Dr. Whitney: Tell us about who you are and how Wise Parenting came about.

Alexandra: I am really passionate about helping parents in this current state we’re living in where doubting yourself and whether or not you can handle it all is the norm. That’s how I started my parenting journey and it shaped where I wanted to go. I combined my proper knowledge of child development with practical guidance on how to live intentionally. And that’s how I help parents.

Dr. Whitney: How did you find yourself drowning as a new mom or seen it with other moms?

Alexandra: Mine came from breastfeeding and sleep. None of it went how I thought it would go. And when it did, I got told from sources all over that I was doing it wrong. So most of the time that feeling of drowning comes from the differences of expectations and reality and information overload when you’re trying to reconcile those two things. And you get tied into all the negative emotions that come with that experience.

Dr. Whitney: That’s a really common experience. And we know we can control the way we react in a situation, but we can’t control anything about any other person. And that doesn’t change if they’re babies or pre-teens.

Alexandra: This notion that if you do A, you will get B makes parents believe that if that doesn’t happen that there’s something wrong with them or their child. That leaves no room for biology or environment. Your baby’s in-born genes are driving your baby’s behavior from the second they’re born, by way of their own unique way of expressing their emotions. They’re feeling emotions just like any other kiddo. And it all comes out in their behavior.

The idea that parents are causing every single behavior in their child is incorrect and damaging. You can’t parent your way into making your baby a certain way. Things like mood, sleep needs, food needs, and energy level are areas that just ARE they they way they are, having nothing to do with the quality of parenting they’re getting.

Dr. Whitney: What are the framework pieces for WISE?

Alexandra: W stands for WHO. Accepting and respecting who your child is is paramount to moving forward with them. And that can be difficult for parents to do, especially if the way that comes out is through behavior that parents aren’t really comfortable with. Accepting and respecting who they are from the very beginning is what will set them up for success in the future, even into adulthood.

I stands for INSIDE . What is going on inside their brain? There is SO much development that goes on from 0-6 years old that affects you even into adulthood. And when you look at your child in terms of where they are developmentally can be tremendously helpful as you weed through all of the parenting advice out there that mostly doesn’t matter.

S stands for SELF AWARE . This looks at where you’re coming from as a parent and all the perspective and experiences you bring, even from before you were a parent. This also takes into account your own temperament, which CAN flow into your child’s temperament, and looking at how your goals as a parent might differ drastically from how you were raised.

E stands for execution. Putting it all together and how it interacts together. Looking at all the factors of who your child is, where they are developmentally, who you are as a parent, and figuring out how you can use that as your parent your child. This allows you to know what is important, what’s not, and what you can do as a parent within your abilities.

You can find Alexandra at thewiseparentingacademy.com where you can sign up for her email list where she does free workshops every 4-6 weeks.